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368 pages, Paperback
First published February 3, 2022

Grandad used to scrawl on newspapers, envelopes and scraps of paper left around the house. He had spidery close-together writing and never tired of scribbling his name. It was like a barometer; the letters became more condensed and jagged when trouble was imminent. He’d mumble to himself and become fastidious; counting his money, checking through bills and insurance policies. He moved around the furniture, agitated, twigs cracking in an internal bonfire. He was turned in on himself, as if he’d swallowed a thunderstorm and it was pressing against his skin.
I can recall days where nothing much happened but, paradoxically, everything happened because I was in a heightened state of awareness through a particular book. Over the course of a freezing day during the Christmas holiday I read The Outsider by Albert Camus. I had a cold. I stayed in my pyjamas all day. I felt like I was living a parallel life: part of me on the sandy streets of Algiers, drinking strong coffee at Celeste’s restaurant; the other slightly feverish in snowed-in Rochdale. Camus wrote exquisitely of the fig trees, the red sky, the old men sitting on chairs outside the tobacconist’s and the trip to a nearby beach where the sea sent ‘long, lazy’ waves across the sand. More than this sense of place, there was a deeper geography at work in the short, sharp sentences and the rhythm of ordinary acts of living expressed until it became hypnotic. I loved this altered state of thinking induced by a book, how it transcended mere story or characters, to become elemental.
My dad considered reading and writing to be predominantly a feminine pastime, much the same as, say, sewing or netball...Dad didn’t know any writers or anything about them. The men he knew worked with their hands, fixing cars, building houses or toiling at lathes. They married young. They played sports together, drank together. They didn’t retreat to their bedrooms, choosing solitariness ahead of the street, park or pub.
Around that time, in my thirties, was probably when I began to accumulate books at a rate considerably greater than my capacity to read them. Life, much as we try to keep it at arm’s length or delude ourselves that it falls under our dominion, often ‘blindsides you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday’. The big stuff – bereavement, divorce, illness, heartbreak, a global pandemic – crashes randomly before us, splat, and reading becomes impossible with a head and heart weighed with pain and worry and regret. And the good stuff can impact our reading, too: a new relationship, an urge to travel, an exciting project or an irresistible call for reinvention of self.
Books don’t mind. They are patient. They await your return.
On one hand, by having such a collection and planning to read all these books, you are making a fantastic statement of hope and revealing an investment in future self,’ she said. ‘Even if you recognise you probably won’t have time to read them all, you are already forming a relationship with mortality which we all must do at some point in our lives. The snag is the frustration you say you feel that comes with this relationship. This is something you need to deal with and accept. I sense that some of this dissatisfaction is because, for whatever reason, you have not read as many of these books as you’d have liked and you spend a lot of time projecting yourself into the future: a time and a place where and when you will finally do all the reading that you’ve always wanted to do. I also think that you see books subconsciously as a safety net. Everyone has a primal fear of abandonment and you have suffered this twice in your life. Most people experience this or similar and the pain is such that, in many different ways, they make preparations so that it either doesn’t happen again, and that can go as far as avoiding future relationships altogether, or setting down to themselves a clearly defined coping mechanism. I think, to you, books are metaphorical friends and part of the reason you have so many is that, ever so slightly and in a perfectly normal way, you have lost a little bit of trust in the world.
I have arrived her – 3,500 books – be stealth. It’s easily done if you acquire books on a regular basis, seldom discard any and are lucky enough to live into your mid-fifties….
If, for the sake of simple maths, it is assumed I began amassing the books at the age of thirteen, it means that in the intervening 2,236 weeks I have added, on average, just over 1.5 books to my collection per week; it suddenly doesn’t seem such a remarkable tally. In fact, I am mystified how anyone can go through life and manage not to bring home 1.5 books per week.