Why Can't You Shut Up?: How We Ruin Relationships--How Not To

by Anthony E. Wolf

“You forgot to buy milk!”“You never said anything about milk.”“Yes, I definitely did. You never listen.”“I do too listen. You never said milk.”“No, I did say milk. You just don’t listen.”We’ve all been in situations like this one–when a loved one unintentionally provokes a confrontation. What do we do? We stand our ground, push our point, and underscore our reasons. We do it because we know we’re right. What is it, deep inside our being, that refuses to budge, to give in, or to shut up before we’re embroiled in a fight we don’t want? Meet your baby self. According to Dr. Anthony Wolf, this childish personality comes out at home, at work, and in social settings–with spouses, significant others, colleagues, and even friends. The baby self doesn’t know when to back down, it doesn’t compromise, and it can lead you to make rash and, usually, wrong decisions. In this humorous, helpful, and eye-opening guide, you’ll learn how to deal with your baby self when it wreaks havoc on your life. Dr. Wolf provides alternate ways of responding to others when your baby self is ready to It’s not fair! It’s not my fault! You are wrong! He offers ways to avoid the traps that sabotage all relationships, helps us recognize the false reasons we trick ourselves into thinking we are right, and teaches us how to let our mature side do the talking. With scores of examples of how innocent day-to-day conversations can erupt into conflagrations, Dr. Wolf shows you how to disengage fast and easily. The result? Peace, positive dialogue, and happier relationships all around–even if deep down you know you are right!From the Hardcover edition.

Genres: Nonfiction, Parenting, Psychology

192 pages, Kindle Edition

First published March 7, 2006

About the author

Published in the UK as Tony Wolf

Reviews

[Ietrio · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very interesting read. I feel some confirmation bias, as I have come to the same conclusions years ago, yet this book comes with the reasoning and explanations for the acts.

The dialogue is so realistic, it becomes boring. One can certainly identify with the described situations, but I still feel a rewrite would have helped the book readability-wise.

[Jesse · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think this guy must have set up camp in my brain for a month and then written about it. How embarrassing! While this resonated with me for many reasons, I think most people wandering this planet could benefit from reading this - not only to help them understand themselves, but others as well. I can't believe how well this guy nailed it.

[Troy Blackford · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the first ebook I have ever checked out of a library. I mention this because I basically only read it because it was one of the few books that wasn't checked out that came up under 'Psychology.' It's more of a relationship guide than a psychology book, but it is written by a (clinical) psychologist and seems to make a fair degree of sense. It also seemed longer than it needed to be, even though it's very short. It felt like the book was treading water, in order to make a book-length work out of something that might have been a meaty chapter in a larger book. Also, it wasn't for people interested in psychology, which is ironically why I read it, so it was kind of a mismatch. But it was still sort of interesting. Get ready to read the phrase 'Baby Self' about fifteen million times. Couldn't he have tried to explain what the scientific term for whatever it was he was conceptualizing as the 'baby self' at least once? It wasn't like he was running out of room in the book. But he didn't: I wonder if there even is a scientific term, or if this is just something he's made up. It seems plausible, but the lack of reference to studies or other authors in this book has made me dubious of his ideas' provenance. He might simply be writing about verified things for laypeople, or he might be just making up a lot of semi-plausible BS and trying to peddle it to folks who don't care about referenced sources and the like. Either way, I was left feeling, as I said, rather dubious.

[Sam · Rating 4 out of 5]

How and why to shut is a lot easier to say/write about than it is to do. Excellant guideline on when to make comments and when keep them to yourself. Of course for my brother it only showed more he needed to fix about me; didn't seem to apply to him, tho (ha)!

[Michael Lortz · Rating 3 out of 5]

Mediocre at best. I flew through this in a week. Dr Wolf claims most faults are about a "baby self". There is very little backing to this theory and little mention how he developed this theory or who he read. Just a bunch of scenarios and situations of people in conflict. Could have been a pamphlet.

[Kathy Andre Mohler · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was so practical!

[Katherine · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is an average self-help book. Like many self-help authors, Wolf has found a hammer, and he insists that all problems can be solved with just that one hammer. In this case, the hammer is the theory of the "baby self". It's a helpful analogy, but that's all Wolf really has. While the book is designed to unfold different aspects of the "baby self's" workings, after a couple of chapters the examples and explanations were just so much more of the same.

Wolf advances the theory of the "baby self" and the "mature self" by arguing that the "baby self" isn't all bad, but you wouldn't know it from the rest of the book: as far as I could see, there was no indication of the "baby self" being good or helpful (though Wolf repeatedly claims that it is what allows us to be open, intimate, et cetera).

A major turn-off for me was the excessive vulgar language in the example conversations. I understand the desire to be realistic, but this amount of usage seemed to be over the top.

In the end, the book isn't horrible, and it may be helpful...but in my opinion, one doesn't need to read more than a couple of chapters to grasp what wisdom there is in the theory.

[S · Rating 3 out of 5]

Hilarious at times and the content is relevant to most people in most situations. I was under the impression that this book is about how do you deal with someone who talks too much during conversation, however, I discovered it to be more of a self-help book on keeping peace between two people during dialogue.

[Mary Alice · Rating 3 out of 5]

Was looking for interpersonal communication resources to supplement a class I'm teaching. Was a good read and reminder on the art of argument- full of examples and explanations- but not quite what I hoped.

[Gello · Rating 2 out of 5]

Highly entertaining, though not terribly deep. A nice metaphorical explanation of why we get stuck in arguments with people we love.

[Sheryl · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book answered so many questions. It gives me the understanding I need to change a behavior that I have long thought was unchangeable. And it is funny as well.

[Jill Minor]

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