She Looks Just Like You: A Memoir of (Nonbiological Lesbian) Motherhood

by Amie Klempnauer Miller

After ten years of talking about children, two years of trying (and failing) to conceive, and one shot of donor sperm for her partner, Amie Miller was about to become a mother. Or something like that.

Over the next nine months, as her partner became the biological mom-to-be, Miller became . . . what? Mommy's little helper? A faux dad?

As a midwestern, station wagon-driving, stay-at-home mom--and as a nonbiological lesbian mother--Miller both defines and defies the norm. Like new parents everywhere, she wrestled with the anxieties and challenges of first-time parenthood-including neurotic convictions that her child was chronically ill and the muddled confusion of sleeplessness. But unlike most mothers, she experienced pregnancy and birth only vicariously. Unlike biological parents, she had to stand before a judge to adopt her own daughter. And unlike most straight parents, she wondered how to respond when strangers gushed, "I bet Daddy's proud," or "She has your eyes."

Miller began searching for a role that would fit her experience, somewhere in the unexplored zone between mother and father, gay and straight. Sometimes she felt like a dad in drag, other times like a lesbian June Cleaver. Through it all, she and her partner became something new--even as the presence of a baby rattled the bones of their eighteen-year relationship.
Part love story, part comedy, part quest, Miller's candid and often humorous memoir is a much-needed cultural roadmap to what it means to become a parent, even when the usual categories do not fit.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, LGBT, Parenting, Queer, Lesbian, Biography Memoir

256 pages, Hardcover

First published May 1, 2010

About the author

Amie Klempnauer Miller’s writing on parenting and gay families has appeared in the anthology, Confessions of the Other Mother: Nonbiological Lesbian Moms Tell All!; on Salon.com; in Brain, Child Magazine; in Greater Good Magazine; and in Minnesota Women’s Press. She has spoken about gay and lesbian families at the annual Rainbow Families conference (the largest gathering of gay-, lesbian-, bisexual- and transgender-headed families in the Upper Midwest), at high schools and colleges, and on the radio. Miller lives with her partner and daughter in St. Paul, Minnesota.

Reviews

[Julie Franki · Rating 4 out of 5]

Yes, I gave this book a high rating, but I should qualify my bias by mentioning that I am the exact person for whom it is written. Thus I have trouble judging whether its quality transcends the subject matter. Klempnauer-Miller definitely does the subject matter loads of justice though! This is a moving, brutally honest account of being the non-breastfeeding mom, the legally-not-a-parent-until-adoption-papers-are-filed mom…in other words: “Mama”.

Much like the fantabulous, amazing-for-anyone-to-go-see new film out now “The Kids are Alright”, this book is as much about a marriage as it is being a parent. Not just any marriage, but particularly a long-term, lesbian marriage—one might even say one Midwestern in temperament (they reside in Minnesota). Let me quote the author as she describes a moment in which a familiar-yet-enigmatic tension erupts between them. The author’s been nagging Jane, her pregnant spouse, to get more sleep. When Jane tells her to back off, Klempnauer-Miller apologizes:

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know I had upset you.” This is bullshit. I know Jane well enough to know exactly when I am pushing her too hard, but I continue for reasons I do not fully understand.

Klempnauer-Miller is also very good at capturing those funny little moments when parenthood exposes how crazyily upside-down your priorities now are. When the author becomes the transitional object for her daughter, and consequently the only one who could put her to sleep (her daughter, Hannah, constantly needed to pull at and play with her Mama’s hair), the author writes:

I’d consider shaving my head and weaving it into a wig for the one stuffed animal she seems to like, a squishy pink pig. I might be bald but at least I could sleep.

And then there’s this wholly unique aspect to being a lesbian parent: the challenge of finding a daycare that’s not weird about a family with two moms. Klempnauer-Miller includes a snippet of one exchange with a daycare worker:

“Hannah has two mommies. Do you talk with children about how people come from all different kinds of families?” “Well,” [the daycare worker:] said, “I guess we would answer questions if they came up.” To my ears, this had faint echoes of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell…I don’t plan to sequester Hannah on Planet Lesbian, but I would like her to think for as long as possible that the composition of her family is just one of a multitude of options.”

Yep. Couldn’t have said it better myself. This seems to be just about the only book out there with this particular viewpoint. Thank God it’s great. Way to represent, sister!

[Gabby Kessler · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked this book, and I’m having a hard time thinking about it objectively. It’s an interesting peek into a motherhood familiar and unfamiliar to me; while I did not have many of the same experiences Amie describes as a lesbian mom who isn’t their child’s biological parent, I could related to things she was describing about her partner’s pregnancy, the way having a child changed their lives, and the fact that they gave their daughter the same name as we gave ours.

I would absolutely recommend this book to anyone expecting a new child in their family. I also think straight people should read more by lgbtq+ authors.

Subjectively, I’m not sure how much I really enjoy memoirs as a genre, which obviously isn’t Amie’s fault. I think some parts of the book hit closer to home than I would’ve liked. My next read should probably be fiction.

Did I mention that I’m pregnant and parenting a toddler, and this book was a whole lot of feelings right now?

[Marjorie Ingall · Rating 4 out of 5]

I know, we are all SO SICK OF PARENTING MEMOIRS. Hello, navel-gaze much? But this one's worth reading for two reasons: 1. It's very funny and 2. I don't think a lot of us have read anything from the perspective of a lesbian mom whose partner gave birth to the child. I was interested in her comparison of her own role to that of biological dads -- observing the changes in her hormonal partner, figuring out the division of labor. But then there are the differences. As Klempnauer Miller points out, some people say that "parenthood erases lesbians" -- even if you look butch, you're suddenly seen as a glowy mommy when you've got a baby in a Bjorn strapped to you. How does that affect identity?

The author's description of struggling with the exhaustion and confusion of new parenthood, and how it affects the couple's relationship, will resonate with all parents, gay and straight. (My fave paragraph: "Jane tells me that I always seem angry. My response, which I keep to myself, is Fuck You. This may be an indication that she is right. This makes me angry.") Her descriptions of lesbian processing are hilarious -- their waffling about whether to have a child, their constant state-of-the-relationship talks. (It's not often that I see the upside of being married to a dude who communicates in grunts and expresses his love by upgrading my computer.) The book's a bit long and meandering, but Klempnauer Miller is such good company and so likeable as a narrator, I didn't really mind. (I did wind up skimming a bit.) I wish she'd gone into her feelings about her own inability to get pregnant, despite repeat inseminations, before her partner got pregnant on her first try. Did she feel the same sense of despair so many infertile straight women feel? The cursory treatment of adoption and why Amie tried so many times to conceive before Jane volunteered left me wanting a little more depth...but in general, I was so grateful for all the humor, I was fine with the balance of funny/glib and Deep Thoughts.

[Melodie Roschman · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this - the author’s reflections on motherhood and bringing a child into the world felt universal even as I enjoyed the particularities of her discussion of being a lesbian parent in the early 2000s. I was also reminded of how quickly things have changed for gay rights in the US - and how fragile those protections can be. The first half of the book is stronger than the second - near the end it kind of peters out into a lot of exhaustion and fights with her wife (typical one year old child raising experience) without much strong arc, but it was a good read over all.

[Groovycol · Rating 3 out of 5]

Parts of this book I really, really loved. Maybe because it reflects so much of my own life, but it was well written and funny. I felt like the title was just wrong. I guess I felt like this would explore the 2nd mom role, and while she did discuss it, it was mostly a we got pregnant, here's how, and here's what the first year with baby was like. I guess I expected, from the cover and description, a book that covered the first several years of the child's life and the Author's experience of mothering both privately and publicly.

[sylas · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was not particularly inspiring, nor insightful. I appreciated a few aspects of the book - like when Amie gets real about some of the hardships of her experience as a parent. However, I'd hoped for more depth, more insight, a more raw look at what's wonderful and terrible about being the non-biological parent in a queer, baby-making partnership. Are there other (read: better) books like this in the world? Or is this as good as it gets?

[Kyla · Rating 4 out of 5]

Despite the seemingly specialized slant of this book, it's actually one of the most generally well-written, honest and incisive memoirs about motherhood that I have read in some time. Hits the right balance between frank and TMI and sheds light on the real inequalities and strange social navigation that gay parents face. But I'm sure any Mom of any persuasion would get a lot out of it.

[Lucy Allen-Goss · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am the target audience for this book, and I was glad I read it. Miller writes as much about her relationship with her partner as about her evolving identity as a mother, and I found this really helpful. I also liked the way Miller reflects on wider networks of family and friends, and it was so, *so* nice to finally read any account of non-bio lesbian parenting where the non-bio parent was not butch or read as butch by others: I've found this vanishingly rare.

For me, it didn't quite hit five stars. I loved the way Miller very honestly explained how sleeplessness led her and her wife to 'pick' at each other, but gave the impression that they still had a lot of hope for their future. But I also thought she could have balanced her account by acknowledging that her child slept relatively well. I'm still not quite clear whether she was trying to give readers a sense of how new parents lose perspective (as she clearly is with her self-conscious descriptions of her own love of 'processing'), but for me it didn't work.

[Casey Bodnar · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly recommend!

As a newlywed, married to another woman, about to start a family of our own.... I absolutely loved this book. I finished it in one swoop. It was refreshing to read about another person who has traveled the road so parallel to which I am about to travel. All I have to say to this author is THANK YOU for being so raw and open. If you’re wondering if you should read this book, I say go for it. It wasn’t always sunshine’s and rainbows, but neither is life. Again, thank you for this book!!

[molls · Rating 4 out of 5]

i’m really grateful for this book. i’ve tried to become invested in stories about step-mothers, hoping to feel connection to them, but this was the first story of motherhood that i saw myself in. reading about being a non-biological parent who has been there from the very beginning of your child’s time on earth finally filled the hole i had in my chest. amie’s guilt and confusion as she tried to place herself in a category in hannah’s life, the balance of home and work life, and the turmoil that a baby brings to a relationship rings so true. this is what i was looking for.

[Marcia M · Rating 3 out of 5]

Three stars means I liked it. I really did. Bought it years ago and finally the timing was right to read. Outdated ( thank goodness) in that it was written before same-sex marriage was legalized. Regardless it is certainly a portrait of a marriage. Unique and interesting because of the author’s voice.

[Heather Rixen · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’m a Bi cis gender woman married to a lesbian and am born and raised in Minnesota.
This book was an important read for me. I plan to carry our children but will not be the genetic mother as we will be using my wife’s eggs. Though our situations are not identical I think this book gave me a lot to think about and I loved being able to read a memoir from someone who is the non genetic mother.

[Kj Lee · Rating 4 out of 5]

Slow start but I fell in love somewhere between chapters 2 and 3. I think I just got used to her writing style. It’s just a story of a life. It’s not as intense and suspenseful as fiction because it’s someone’s reality. Definitely my cup of tea, but understandably, not everyone’s.

[Carl Hendy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I appreciated the authors vulnerability. I think anyone who is or is going to be the nonbiological parent can relate to the authors candid fears and concerns from attachment to how the world will see them. I found great comfort in this book.

[Sharnna · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love this book!! It made me feel so many emotions, it made me feel warm, happy, sad, it made me laugh. As a wlw couple looking into starting a family, this was a lovely read. Even though the times and our countries are different, it still resonates with me.

[Emily Sirois · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this book for a nursing school maternity class. I thought it was an interesting perspective from a nonbiological mother’s point of view.

[Linda Drozd · Rating 1 out of 5]

Yawn...self indulgent
...boring af dont waste your time!

[Chase · Rating 5 out of 5]

this book convinced me to break up with my girlfriend bc we don't and will never have something as good as this

[D · Rating 4 out of 5]

Liked this book very much! Reading it strengthens my commitment even more to my loving partner. I am now pregnant via IVF and we are so looking forward to the birth of our child late this year:) Highly recommend this memoir to anyone in a F/F relationship. XOXOXOs to Amie for writing it.

[jess · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a super deep-lez (in a non-ironic way) look at parenthood from the non-gestational perspective. Amie Klempnauer Miller (henceforth to be called AKM in this because her name is too long, sorry) and her partner have been together for about 20 years before they decide to have a baby. They have processed every possible option and decision related to this. They are very processy. AMK implies that one of her favorite hobbies is processing the Major Issues of their Relationship, especially on long drives when her partner cannot escape (which her partner does not appreciate).

They decide to have a baby. AKM has a lot of unsuccessful fertilization attempts. Her partner tries one time! and gets knocked up immediately. AKM processes being the non-birth-mother, having a pregnant partner, and the way their relationship evolves during the first sixteen months of their daughter's life. Like many parents of infants, their relationships suffers, but because they are 2 lesbians, their relationship suffers in a particularly delicate, over-processed kind of way, with a lot of longing and regret and questions.

There is a fairly brief Cliff Notes version of their conception journey - the failures, the doctors office, the turkey baster. AKM also discusses their decision about daycare and how lesbian and gay families should be present in their daughter's life. Most of the story revolves around the emotional journey of parenthood, and not on the daily differences of gay parenting vs. straight parenting. I would have liked to read more about AKM's insight on this matter, since her writing style & humor bring a lot to the literary genre of "humorless lesbians processing their relationships." Of course, her kid is an infant. Maybe she'll have more of an opinion on it in 5 or 10 years.You could have a very neutral position toward gay people and their parenting, and you would not be offended by this book. There is almost no political or legal discussion at all, and most definitely no gay sex to be offended by.

If it sounds like I didn't like this book, that's not accurate. I did enjoy it, but it was a little emotional and sensitive for me to dig my hooks into and really love. It's a worthwhile read if you love parenting memoirs or if you are on a path toward lesbian parenthood. The perspective is sincere and no emotion is left unexamined.

[Carly Thompson · Rating 2 out of 5]

This memoir looks at pregnancy and motherhood from the perspective of a lesbian nonbiological parent whose partner is pregnant and gives birth. Miller writes movingly at times about the decision to have a child, her own failed attempts to conceive, Jane's (her partner)pregnancy, and the first year of their daughter Hannah's life. Miller writes that lesbians like to process things and that is certainly true of this memoir. 230 pages are filled with Miller dissecting her emotions, motivations, and thoughts as well as those of Jane and after a while it becomes a bit too much. Miller documents how a very close lesbian relationship becomes distant and strained during Hannah's first year as the moms struggle with a demanding baby who doesn't sleep regularly while dealing with their own adjustments to motherhood. The couple is at various times depressed, stressed, anxious, haggard, unhappy, sick, and they loose any sexual desire for each other. For a non parent like myself it certainly didn't give me anything to look forward to.

The memoir stopped when Hannah was around 16 months (she is now 6) and I felt that the book would have benefited if fewer pages were spent documenting the first year and a half of the family's life so thoroughly and added sections as Hannah grew and developed and family life wasn't so new and disruptive. There is a short epilogue describing the family's life at the time of the writing.

I think this book would appeal more to parents who would find a lot to relate to in Miller's account; it didn't impress me that much but it wasn't a bad book.

[Sarah · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really appreciate the perspective that this author brings and as a nonbiological bisexual woman looking to have kids, perhaps I was looking for a bit of guidance in her story. But I'm not really sure what the point of this book was. It is pitched as "A memoir of nonbiological lesbian motherhood" but she spends very little time talking about how she feels as a non-biological mother. She focuses on her feelings of being the non-bio mom while her partner is pregnant in the first half of the book, but then the second half is spent focusing on her relationship problems and minor parenting vignettes. She doesn't answer any questions about how it feels to be a non-bio mom or how she handles it. In the end, this is a book where nothing seems to happen. She has complex feelings about being the non-bio mom while her partner is pregnant and she does nothing. Later she worries she is an inadequate parent but does nothing. Then later it becomes clear her relationship is in trouble but she doesn't do anything. While I will cheer any non-bio mom getting their story out there, the subtitle misleads you into thinking that this writer has something to say on the subject when in reality, the book just doesn't seems to say anything.

[Molly · Rating 3 out of 5]

What I loved and appreciated about this book was its stark honesty. There were some painfully familiar moments (as someone who had to undergo infertility treatments for my first, I understood the very un-romantic elements of trying when involving the medical realm and charts and whatnot; as someone who underwent a very unwanted c-section, I curled back at the description in fear of this impending second birth, etc.) and some unfamiliar (I admire her ability to peel back her relationship as she does--in my own, the daughter seems to only have made us closer, etc.). I admit to getting bleary eyed when the author and her partner stand before an unknown judge, hoping the adoption will go through without a hitch, and the judge tells the crowd that he loves these cases, as everyone leaves "a winner."

The writing was fine--unremarkable, perhaps a bit like reading a very edited blog or diary or long letter. I wonder if it were presented as such, if I would have enjoyed it more, as if editing for language then became less urgent and getting the timing right became key. I also wonder about books such as these, as our society changes, if they then become historical markers or simply fade.

[Sam · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this for a bookgroup discussion with a lesbian moms group. I am a biological mom, and my wife and I plan to have a second child which she will carry.

It was very useful to see the other side of the equation, especially Amie's struggle to determine what her role is/was in the realm between mother-father-non-bio mom. The omnipresent reality for two-mom or two-dad families is the necessity to be specific about roles when there is no automatic social or societal assumption about who "mommy" or "mama" are in the family dynamic. While the day to day realities are not all that different from say, mom and dad who both work or a stay at home parent and a working outside the home parent the need to identify the roles that individuals take on is necessary as their is not a societal default. This is especially true when the mom whose staying home may not be the biological mom, or, as is increasingly the case when both women in the relationship are biological parents to one or more children.

I also found it very helpful to hear how Amie's wife reacted to returning to work, as she was the biological parent.

[Marcia · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this memoir quite a bit. Amie Klempnauer Miller writes with honesty and tenderness about her relationship with her partner, Jane, their decision to have a baby, and the arrival and infancy of their daughter, Hannah. For me, this book was a lovely affirmation that families can come in all shapes and sizes, and the relationship between the three of them is beautifully depicted. Sometimes the writing can be a bit dry and overly analytical, but it really is a good read. Recommended not just for LGBT individuals and allies, but also for those who are looking to expand their understanding of what makes a family and be more open and accepting of loving, nontraditional families.

[Michelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm not a memoir fan but this was a beautiful recollection of courting, romance, love, pregnancy and motherhood. Amie's account of her relationship will remind you of what it was like to fall in love-no matter who you chose to love. I cried and laughed as they struggled to become parents and later as Hannah is born and they have to redefine their roles as mothers and partners. It brought me back to the early days with my children-you fall in love with this little being, demanding all your attention. The only reason I didn't give it 5 stars is it is wordy-she goes into great detail often and sometimes where she didn't need to.

[Jennifer Heise · Rating 5 out of 5]

A good book about parenting is, to me, a book that I can relate to, that encapsulizes those moments good and bad that we experience.

This is such a book. I want to photocopy Miller's description of being home with an 11-month-old for my friend who is a stay-at-home mom of a 14 month old. I want to share this with everyone.

And yet it's also a window into someone else's experience: that of a lesbian in a committed partnership going through the becoming-parents process in a way that's different from mine. And I'm ok with that. Miller is a little self-depreciating, a little honest, about her status as not-the-bio-mom, not-the-dad.

[Liesl · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'd give this 3-1/2 stars if I could. I enjoyed this journey to and through motherhood. Brought back many of my own memories of pre- and post-baby and how starkly different one's life is as an individual and a couple. What I really appreciated about this book was how challenging it is to be a same-sex parent with all the legal and societal complexities. Indi's best friend at school has 2 mommys and it doesn't register as something different to her which is great. I hope during my lifetime everyone will have equal rights as individuals and as parents.

[Stacy Natal · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this because it is by a local author and because we have close friends that have a non traditional family such as the one written about in this book.

This was a lovely memoir of courting, romance, love, pregnancy and motherhood. The author's account of her relationship will remind you of what it was like to fall in love-no matter who you chose to love. I identified with the writer as she struggled to redefine her roles as mother and spouse after the baby was born. It brought me back to the first days with my babies and all the love and demands that they entailed.

[Janet · Rating 4 out of 5]

I completely enjoyed spending time with this couple as they made their way through pregnancy and the first year of their lives as parents. I liked the thoughtful and funny tone the author used to describe not only her burgeoning love for Hannah, but how it changed her relationship with her partner. I want to hear more from her about their trials, tribulations and successes; the short epilogue that takes their daughter up to age six was simply not enough.