Raising Adopted Children: Practical Reassuring Advice for Every Adoptive Parent

by Lois Ruskai Melina

In this completely revised and updated edition of Raising Adopted Children , Lois Melina, editor of Adopted Child newsletter and the mother of two children by adoption, draws on the latest research in psychology, sociology, and medicine to guide parents through all stages of their child's development. Melina addresses the pressing adoption issues of today, such as open adoption, international adoption, and transracial adoption, and answers parents' most frequently asked questions, such as: Up-to-date, sensitive, and clear, Raising Adopted Children is the definitive resource for all adoptive parents and concerned professionals.

Genres: Adoption, Parenting, Nonfiction

400 pages, Paperback

First published July 1, 1986

Reviews

[Robyn · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book assumes that all people who adopt are unable to conceive, and it is overly "PC". In regards to infertility, the book really does heap it on about how people who can't conceive need to grieve, and may think that they won't be able to love another's child, and so on. We're not infertile, but I would be just as offended if I were. Infertility and adoption do not always go hand in hand, and Melina forgets that.
I also found the writing to be hyperbolic, as in "You MUST" do this, or, my favorite, "All adoptive parents" fear that their children will love their birthparents more than the adoptive parents. Use of such imperatives, "All," "must," "will," instead of more realistic words like "Many," "should/need," and "might," makes the text sound like a user's manual for computer applications.
That negative said, the book itself does contain a lot of useful information, which I haven't seen in any of my previous adoption-related readings. I would absolutely recommend it to people who are going through the adoption process. I think there are better books for people who are wondering whether or not to adopt (such as "Is Adoption for You?"), but that this book directly addresses the fears and questions for people who are about to become adoptive parents.

[Alicia Fenney · Rating 4 out of 5]

So begins our adoption education journey with this book, an easy if not slightly repetitive guide to everything adoption.

Unlike some books, there is not a religious focus (which we are not) nor an assumption of infertility (which we are not). Where there were chapters on infertility or sections we knew would not be relevant (like infertility, adopting an older child, internationally, or from Foster care), we could skip over them and not fear missing out on vital embedded information.

This was required reading from our agency, and the least offensive of the outdated reading list, at least of those I was able to get a free sample on Google Play Books. Melina recalls different tried-and-true studies on adoptive children and their families, in addition to being an adoptive mother herself. It's a nice blend. Most of what Melina writes is echoed elsewhere in blogs like adoptivefamilies.com, where her newsletter is also published (and free, I think). So if you are not interested in paying the money, you might start there rather than read a 400-page book. I'm glad to have read her book cover to cover (minus the irrelevant sections) even if the information is repeated for free elsewhere.

[Carrie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book gives a longer overview of adoption, both in the growth of the child and in the history it has been viewed, as it is an older book. For those just starting the adoption process this is a good foundational book, just be ready to have your own takes, opinions and get more current information from other sources.

It is not a book written with a religious view either, which I personally find to its detriment. Also, as every adoption is unique there are parts of the book that won't pertain to individual cases and parts that could have been more fleshed out.

[Nicole Shum · Rating 2 out of 5]

The amount of information this book has that doesn’t apply to us was a let down. I skipped and skimmed to get to the parts that pertain to us. It would have been much better if they separated some of the larger topics into completely different books. With that said, this book did contain a lot of useful advice for adoptive parents and will serve as a good guide for people trying to navigate adoption such as ourselves, but there are other adoption books I’d recommend before this one.

[Erin · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm glad this book was recommended to us when we were still early in our adoption reading. We struck out with many other adoption books early on, but this presented a great primer on important life-long considerations for a family that adopts. Fast, easy read. A little outdated and perhaps a bit narrowly focused on infant domestic adoption but overall one of the best overviews I read from the common adoption book lists.

[Kimberly Patton · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a good resource for adoptive parents. It answered questions I didn’t know I had, especially right after Eden came home. It was slightly too traditional in some areas and also out of date. But not too much. I found it to be very honest and straightforward, not skipping the hard topics. I will probably be picking up more books like this as Eden gets older!

[Sarah M · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great resource book: practical and informative in an easy to access format. A good mix of expert advice, scientific data and anecdotal experiences make this very useful for someone like me looking to learn more about raising an adopted child.

[Danielle · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 could use some updating but pretty thorough

[Kelly]

When this book Raising Adopted Children by Lois Ruskai Melina released in 1986 it was the first book to really look at the issues faced by adoptive families after a child comes home. In this new edition the author of two adopted children addresses the changes that have affected adoption over the past 10 years and also offers her own knowledge. She has a lot of research in child development, psychology, sociology, and medicine, readers will discover the facts about open adoption, prenatal drug exposure, and international and transracial adoptions, as well as the answers to critical questions: When and how should you tell your child that he is adopted? How do children “bond” or form attachments to their adoptive parents? Thought provoking, informative, and helpful, this up-to-the-minute handbook is a must have for every adoptive parent and parent-to-be. It is a required at many adoption agencies.

I recommend this book to anyone adopting.

This was a good book addressing many hard questions. Something that I am struggling with and was hard to see in this book was how many people assume that if you are adopting it is because you struggled with infertility. Yes my husband are trying to become pregnant. No it is not happening. Yes we are adopting, but that is not why. We are adopting because we believe that is what God is calling us to. It was hard to read some chapters that say how we need to grieve that there won’t be more children and so on. I was a little offended and felt hopeless.

I liked some of their suggestions on how to deal with so many questions. When you are adopting you experience a lot of questions and you want to keep things private but it almost feels like you need to answer the questions.

Overall this was a good book as an introduction into adoption. It had a lot of practical and helpful information. My favorite part of this book were the chapters on how to talk to our children about adoption. Especially since we are adopting an infant of the same race. I don’t want it to be a surprise but its hard to know how and when to bring it up. This book had good examples on how to introduce it early on and in a casual way. It doesn’t have to be a serious and deep conversation.

I rate this book a 4 out of 5 stars.

[Brenda · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is the second book I read on adoption. It does cover quite a wide range of topics and many of the issues that might arise during the adoption process. It gives specific examples of answers to tough questions or attitudes. It also provides quite a lot of anecdotal evidence and stories. It is like talking to a friend... a friend who assumes that you want to adopt because you are unable to conceive... but a friend nonetheless. Another minor thing that drove crazy throughout the book was the lack of inclusive language.

Anyway, I found the reading quite useful (I am unsure about wanting to adopt now, though). I would recommend it for people who are considering adoption and would like to get an overview (just please consider that many things are US-based).

[LeMira · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was a good first adoption read for me. I did learn some good things, but it was definitely an overview of adoption. It tried to cover every aspect of adoption without going into a lot of detail. It didn't focus on one type of adoption, but rather glossed over all types: infant, foster care adoptions, special needs, and international. I probably wouldn't even use this book as a reference guide, just an introduction guide. The next adoption book I choose to read will be more specific to a question I have.

[Stephanie · Rating 3 out of 5]

We were assigned this book as a part of our adoption home study process. I found the book to be a very practical guide to adoption and a good acknowledgement of the fears that adoptive families may have when preparing to adopt. I especially appreciated the chapter on sharing with others about adoption. I am a very open sharer and my husband is very introverted and private. It was a great chapter that prompted us to discuss and agree on how we would approach what details were private to our immediate family.

[Lorri · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book for adoptive parents to help prepare you for parenthood. Adopted children will have a few different emotional needs than biological children and it is helpful to have a head start on the issues. However, I disagree with some of the issues raised. I think troubling information (if there is any) should be held from the children until they are old enough to understand. But I do recommend the book.

[Kate · Rating 4 out of 5]

A decent overview of some concerns of adoptive parents and adopted children. It reinforced some of the things we'd learned in training classes, and brought up some new issues for us to consider. This was the first "adoption" book we'd read, and I think it was a good starting point. It is not a book I would recommend to anyone who has already dug into the topic thoroughly, but for a newbie it provided some basic context for further reading and education.

[Jan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Just as the title suggests it is practical. This was the first book I "adoption" book I read and I thought it was pretty good. It dealt more on infertility issues and infant adoption than I needed and was very lacking on older child adoption. Obviously she is writing from her own experiences which are different than my needs. Overall, I would recommend it to anyone who is considering adoption. It is a good "primer" adoption book.

[Peter Krol · Rating 1 out of 5]

This was an interesting book to read while we were in Uganda, although I eventually had to "shelve" it and not finish. It was just a bit too detailed for me. It is a nice reference, though, for particular questions about adoption. This book really helped us figure out how to transition our twins into our family in a way that would really serve them!

[Meg · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good overview of many different types of and situations in adoption. A little more geared toward domestic versus international adoption. If you have specific areas of interest, it would be better to seek out more focused books, but again, this is a good broad overview of things to know about adoption.

[Jennifer · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was okay, but I didn't like it as much as I liked Attaching in Adoption. I can't really put my finger on why, it just didn't seem as informative or helpful through most of the book. I one thing I did appreciate was more of an acknowledgement and understanding of the fact that in many adoptive homes it isn't economically feasible for one parent to stay home with the newly adopted child.

[Polly · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a required book from my adoption agency. I believe that this is a good introduction to adoption but not exhaustive. It seemed light on certain subjects, but was an eye opener in other areas. Although I'm not entirely swayed to do an open adoption, I think I learned how to have a more meaningful semi-open adoption for my (future) child.

[Meagan · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is extremely informative and covers a wide variety of issues. As I read, however, I had to remind myself regularly that any child I adopt may have one or two of the issues but will certainly not have all of the issues discussed. As with anything, the possibilities of what could go wrong are daunting and almost overwhelming if considered too carefully.

[Kerry Bradshaw · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was recomended as the "adoption bible" by our caseworker. I thought it had some good insights and things to think about but the topic takes on a whole differant meaning if looked at through the eyes of religion. None of that came to play in the book.

[Amanda · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good basic book with basic information. It was a good first book on my journey into "adoption" books. It focuses a lot on parents who cannot have children, which is not relevant to us. There is a nice section on supporting internationally adopted children.

[Carrie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought this book had good overall information on adoption. I was slightly frustrated that the author seemed to write only from her perspective at some points. However, the book has some practical advice for adoptive parents and I was thankful for that information.

[Julee · Rating 1 out of 5]

Finally finished with this book. I did not identify with the author's viewpoint on adoption and don't think her viewpoint will contribute to the health of the adoption community. Glad to be finished.

[Crystal · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was required by our agency. It wasn't bad and had tidbits of good advice, but even the revised and updated version is 17 years old. I feel something written more recently would have been a better choice, as so much has changed in the adoption landscape.

[Shari · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read for those who are adopting and a really good read for anyone who may know someone who is adopting (especially if you are family) or who was adopted.

[Briannaheldt · Rating 3 out of 5]

Pretty good basic primer on adoption. I'd recommend for anyone starting the adoption process.

[Gemma Alexander · Rating 4 out of 5]

Another one of those books that I'll be reading again every couple of years. At least this time through, I got to skip the chapters on severe issues.

[Corvus · Rating 4 out of 5]

The cover says 'practical, reassuring advice' and that seems pretty accurate. Seems like a good read for anyone considering adoption.

[Hannah]

some good advice on many different topics, but it felt quite out dated