Married to Distraction: Restoring Intimacy and Strengthening Your Marriage in an Age of Interruption

by Edward M. Hallowell, Sue George Hallowell, Melissa Orlov (Contributor)

Are you more distant from your spouse than you’d like to be? Do you sometimes get into big struggles over what amount to mere administrative details? Do you or your spouse waste time “screensucking”—mindlessly viewing email or surfing the Web? Welcome to the club! Modern marriage is busy, distracted, and overloaded to extremes, with ever-increasing lists of things to do, superficial electronic connections, and interrupted moments. Now Edward M. Hallowell, the bestselling co-author of the hugely popular Driven to Distraction and Delivered from Distraction , teams up with his wife, Sue George Hallowell, a couples’ therapist, to explain the subtle but dangerous toll today’s overstretched, undernurtured lifestyle takes on our most intimate relationship. The good news is that there are straightforward and effective ways to maneuver your marriage out of the destructive roadblocks created by the avalanche of busy living. Just thirty minutes of effort a day for thirty days can restore and repair communication and connection, resurrect long-buried happiness and romance, and strengthen—even save—a marriage.

We deal with overload by tuning it out, but the repercussions on couples and commitment are serious. Without attention, there is no intimacy. And without intimacy, there is no connection. So how do couples find their way back?
 
• Observe the natural sequence of sustaining attention, time, connection, and play.
• Develop and nurture empathy—the essential building block to healthy communication.
• Carve out small moments of uninterrupted attention for each other.
• Identify the pressures that our crazybusy lifestyles put on love and marriage, and fight back with tenderness and appreciation.
 
    All of us who have been part of a couple for more than a few years will recognize ourselves in this reassuring book. Complete with scripts, tips, specific communication and interaction techniques, and a detailed 30-day reconnection plan, as well as inspiring real-life stories from relationships that were brought back from the brink, Married to Distraction will set couples on a course of understanding, healing, and love.

Genres: Adhd, Nonfiction, Marriage, Relationships, Self Help, Audiobook, Psychology

240 pages, Hardcover

First published March 16, 2010

About the author

Edward (Ned) Hallowell, M.D., is a child and adult psychiatrist, a NY Times bestselling author, a world-renowned speaker and a leading authority in the field of ADHD. He has authored twenty books including the 1994 ground-breaking New York Times best-seller on ADHD, Driven to Distraction. In aggregate, Dr. Hallowell's books have sold more than 2 million copies on various psychological topics including how to: raise children into happy adults, manage worry, develop focus, forgiveness, connecting on a deeper level and how to inspire the best from employees. His most recent book was his Memoir, Because I Come From A Crazy Family The Making Of A Psychiatrist. His next book, ADHD 2.0 releases on January 12, 2021. Pre-order your copy today.

He is the host of “Distraction,” a weekly podcast that offers insights, strategies and tactics for coping and thriving in this crazy-busy, 24/7 over-connected modern world.

Reviews

[Janet R.]

If anyone is thinking this is another book in the "Distraction" series, it's not. It has one chapter on ADHD, but really pretty skimpy Didn't tell me anything I don't already know (we're all busy and everybody's overusing electronic gadgets).

I really didn't understand the point of this book. If it was anyone but this author who made his name writing about ADHD, I don't think it would have been published.

[shirley]

This book started out strong with practical, and for me, helpful, strategies and ideas to think about. But about 3/4 of the way through, out of nowhere, "God" was dropped into the picture and there s/he remained till the end of the book. A turn-off for me. Upon finishing, I felt like the book lacked nuance and depth.

[T.C.]

Whatever success we have in our marriage is sort of an accident. We did counselling and studying before the wedding but we're too busy nowadays. The marriage just happens. This book is changing that with all its lists and ideas. Here's one: Go on dates! Wow. What a concept. It's helping so far.

[Carrie Brownell]

I'm more like a 3.5 star rating for this book but I'll round up because I don't want to accidentally persuade someone NOT to read this book who maybe should.

I picked this up (again) because it was sitting in my stack of marriage books and I didn't remember what I thought about it. In an effort to cull my books down to the Best of the Best, if you will, I wanted to give it another go. If I were to summarize this book now I would say: life proves to hold many distractions for all people everywhere. Would you like a good relationship with anyone at all? Then be aware of how easy it is to allow the world and its distractions in. I'm a Christian and although the authors also appear to share my faith, it didn't always seem that we had the same worldview. I don't require that the author I read have the same worldview exactly and I certainly found things to glean in this re-read. But I also suspect there is another book out there that would pretty much encourage the same thing: to eliminate distractions in life so that you can focus on the people who matter to you to the best of your ability. Know them. Find ways to love and bless them. I would say the first part is more analytical in dissecting people and relationships. The second part is full of practical tips and advice. The third and final part is a message of hope to encourage you to keep on trying to pursue a good relationship with your spouse. (Or, one might say, with anyone you are really close to.)

I didn't dislike this book but neither did it WOW me so I'm probably going to clear some shelf space after re-reading it.

[Anne Young]

This book felt like it was written by an academic and a poet. Someone who is religious and non-religious. Someone who is hopeful and maybe has experienced an existential crisis once or twice.

Overall, I enjoyed the book.

I found myself smiling as I read through the 30 day challenge and I’m excited to give it a shot!

[Kimberly]

I have read Hallowell's other books (Driven to Distraction; Answers to Distraction) to help me understand my son's ADHD, but this book I read for my own benefit. It helped me understand the roles of O (Organizer) and D (Distracted Partner) and how to compensate for and overcome challenges associated with distraction, especially in this age of digital (double) distraction. It made me more aware of how distraction can detract from relationships and how to develop strategies for coping. Some reviewers were annoyed by the author's introduction of God and spiritual relationships into the equation, but I found it refreshing to hear an honest sharing of how spirituality comes into play in a marital relationship. I found discussion of the Kolbe method for analyzing one's instincts interesting, and I plan to pursue this further. I think this could be a good tool for understanding other people better, and this can only lead to improved relationships. If you are ADHD or just a person who has a propensity towards distraction, this book will be a good read.

[Shannon Kaneaster]

Get that moment when you are checking your phone & your kid is saying Mom! Mooommm! And realize you've been ignoring him? Sit side by side with your spouse, both chatting with other people online & you haven't had a real conversation for days? This book is an eye opener. Very helpful info, applicable to most families these days. It's worth a read, and a reread.

[Peggy]

Helped me realize my husband's ADHD. Made me understand his way of thinking to strengthen our relationship.

[Eli]

The book offers some good pointers scattered throughout the short chapters, but it drags on a bit. Also, it discusses "The Internet" as if the Internet were some kind of foreign entity that forces people to do its will. It's almost not worth mentioning that the book is heterocentrist (the title does include the word "Married"), but on top of that, the authors assume that men cheat and women don't and that porn is something that only men consume while feeling alone and guiltily so. All of that isn't so surprising when you get towards the end of the book and the authors start waxing poetic on how believing in the Christian god is some sort of amazing and scary challenge for only the brave, just like how they think marriage is. If I wanted a Christian book, I would have gotten an explicitly religious one, not one that does not denote itself as such; furthermore, in a society dominated by the religious and where atheists are the least trusted minority despite evidence that we commit far fewer crimes than religious people, it's far scarier to be an atheist than a mainstream Christian theist. If there were a Jesus fish on the cover of this book or some similar sort of warning, then this book would have escaped my negative review and low rating, but as it stands, I wish I hadn't wasted my time on it.

[Andy Bigley]

What appeals to me about MTD is the authors explore new areas and present alternative ideas about what makes relationships tick. Whereas many marriage/relationship books delve into personality types, neurotransmitters, tips on how to be present, communicate, etc. I found the concept of ‘connection style’ and marriage as a process to be novel. At the same time, this new bit of data appears to confound the ‘marriage model’ by introducing yet another variable into the mix. However, the authors offer website resources for the motivated reader to access, take a short survey, and then gain understanding into their own connection styles. To tie everything together, an excellent post-read summarization of the book by the authors is given. The recommendation plan is value-added but may only work if both spouses are able (or willing) to work on it together.

[Kate]

I feel like the authors tried, but for one of the author's having ADHD, I don't feel like he is able to write very well for that audience. I just couldn't focus at all to finish this book. I also didn't like the way they tried to separate distracters and organizers as I feel like most people don't fit neatly in those boxes....personally, I'm both, so how do I even apply here? They also talk a bit about OCD in relation to the the organizer. I have been diagnosed with OCD and it is a common comorbidity to ADHD so it seemed really cliche and like the authors did not have a very accurate understanding of the condition if they assumed it fit more the organized than the distracted. Overall though, the formatting just didn't work for me and I'm too bored to continue. The book is a bit dated, so maybe that played a part, but I think there are better books on the topic.

[Ellen Dickson]

I got this book thinking that it was part of the other distraction books written by Hallowell and Ratey, but it wasn’t. There was 1 chapter on ADHD, which is fine- I enjoyed the rest of the book! Some of it is repetitive, but I think that is done to drive certain points home. If you want to deepen your relationship with your spouse (and are ok with a little comparison to religion near the end) read this book! All about how important attention and empathy are in a modern world. I enjoyed reading through their sources in the back as well as the bullet point summary at the end. :)

[Sean]

I thought the book provided solid advice and helpful suggestions on how to stay connected in our modern fast paced digital age. The most powerful ideas were the simplest, paying attention, sharing time for each other.

My critique is that much of the text focuses on marriage, and having children together. However, most of the book is still useful for any couple, regardless of coupling relationship or form or lack of parenthood.

[Meredith Gardner]

3.5 stars. This is not a bad marriage book, it's just not what I was expecting, which is a book primarily about ADHD marriages. It's a pretty basic discussion of the importance of connection in marriage and the things that keep us from giving our spouses the attention they need.

[Amanda Miller]

Read at the recommendation of the doctor who diagnosed my husband with ADD. Some good tips in there. Not all of it resonated with me - a lot about having kids, and the end makes a lot of religious analogies, but interested in reading more of Ned’s books on adults with ADD.

[Zinnia]

I didn’t really bond with this book.

[Bridget]

Fine book. Some insight but mostly just reminders to lean into your marriage

[Sheila Cameron]

Some good tips for reconnection. I haven't tried the 30-day challenge at the end yet, but I plan to!

[Aubrey]

I had hoped for something much more focused on ADHD in marriage, but there were some generally helpful, good relationship insights.

[Madhawi]

I think every person in a relationship needs to read this book!

[Daniel]

Very helpful for either partner in an ADHD marriage. Really appreciated the activities at the end.

[Shana]

It's fine and interesting, but I didn't really learn much other having various kinds of potential trouble areas identified and described

[Jon Webber]

if you want to fall in love or stay in love or rekindle love this book is for you. Great argument about a distracted world. And a caring and wonderful solution for it. I recommend it.

[Rachael Marsceau]

I was very pleasantly surprised with this book! Honestly I expected it to be a bunch of secular psychological mush from a godless worldview, but I believe the authors have some sort of Christianity, as they made many good parallels between faith and love.

I found many of their ideas of how to connect again with your spouse to be practical and non-intimidating. I thought the inclusion at the back of the book of a "summary list" of the highlights of their tips through all the chapters was brilliant! I know I can finish a book like this and think, "Well, I liked it, but I should've taken notes because I barely remember a thing."

And at the VERY end of the book is something very much like "The Love Dare," except with a specific emphasis on spending 30 minutes a day for 30 days with your spouse. I'm looking forward to implementing some of the ideas Ned and Sue shared in this book.

[Pat]

I found this suggested, not didactic help for couples to be just that - very helpful. The logical suggestion that today's constant distractions are a big cause to the problems facing couples today, rings so true. Too much information bombarding us at every turn, and not enough one on one time with the people we love equals disconnection. I would highly recommend this to every couple, whether in crisis, feeling disconnected, or just trying to cope with everyday life in today's fast-paced world.

[Lily]

It is a great book for couples in the their 40s. I found it very insightful for the possibility of being married to someone who has ADD. But It is more of a description of how to work on your marriage with todays many distractions. There is some information of having ADD and how to do deal with a spouse with it.

[Muriel]

The book gives practical tactics to get more organized and less distracted in life (turn off devices) -- and so much more. It allows me to accept that attention is a scarce and finite resource, even (especially?) in family life. It also gives me the ah-ha that we could approach family life with organizational disciplines, instead of letting it run unattended.

[Otto]

In Married to Distraction, the authors tackle the modern challenge of staying connected in a relationship amid tech and work distractions. They wisely promote tech boundaries but often revisit familiar advice like spending quality time, having date nights, and active listening, which, while foundational, may not be revelatory to all readers.

[Eric]

This book has some interesting sociological comments on modern culture, but lacks substance and follow through on the 'advice' presented. I would not recommend this book to a couple looking to strengthen their marriage.

[Scott Freeman]

One of the best marriage books I have read. Very current and relevant to today. And no proof-texting!