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Polyamory: Roadmaps for the Clueless & Hopeful
Tony Ravenscroft leaves behind the speculation, the guesswork, and the Utopianism that only confuse the discussion. Polyamory: Roadmaps for the Clueless & Hopeful begins from the absolute basics of intimate relationships, and clearly lays out the pitfalls and problems that await everyone who embarks upon this difficult and highly rewarding way of life.
Polyamory (the book) is for everyone with any interest in the subject. Whether you're merely curious, or already embroiled in a complex responsibly nonmonogamous life, you will find a greater understanding of what is going on. Even if you are happily married for the rest of your life, you will improve your relationships with the other people in your life.
Even a book this large can only hope to answer half your questions. Tony Ravenscroft does that, and shows you how to find your own answers for the rest.
294 pages, Paperback
First published July 1, 2004
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251 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews
May 3, 2020
This is the *worst* book on polyamory I ever tried to read. I bought it in about 2005, when there was still not much out there yet, especially in the way of research or expertise. The author acknowledges this in his introduction but takes the approach that since there are no experts, he’s as good a person to write a book as any. And that he won’t spend time boring you with data. Is that a red flag yet? It should be.
What follows is a journey through one man’s narrow perspective presented as if it were universal truth. Even the tongue in cheek tone isn’t enough to save it from serious problems with presenting personal anecdotal experience like it’s fact, riddled with condescension and self-aggrandizement. In his further reading section, he notes that he has not read the Ethical Slut but lists it anyway because it was suggested to him. Yeah, he didn’t even read one of the better books that was *actually available* at that time.
It’s the only book I have ever recycled instead of donating, because letting it go free into the world seemed irresponsible, like a bomb waiting to explode with inaccurate impressions for the unsuspecting reader new to this subject.
But you don’t have to take my word for it. Here are some excerpts:
—
(1) Remember that piece about not being boring by referring to any data?
“Let me pull up some observable demographics. If a given person identities with the term "polyamorous," chances are that she or he is a citizen of the United States, raised in a middle-class household by a nominally Christian family with moderate-to-poor communication skills, where folks were loving and supportive but not great at showing how they felt. (Not so long ago, I would've stated that 95% of people who know the word "polyamory" and apply it to themselves would be purebred European stock, but that has changed in recent years, and I'd say it's now relatively safe to guess 75%.) He or she is most likely of high intelligence, has spent two or three years in college, is conversant in technology and the Internet, and has distinct entrepreneurial and artistic leanings. This person is probably a self-described bisexual, though recent sexual experience with lovers of both genders may be lacking. They love the members of the family into which they were born, but are probably not "out" to them, and have found that a few visits per year seems to leave everyone an adequate comfort zone; given an opportunity, they prefer to live in a different city from their parents. As far as jobs, they aren't usually very career-oriented, though they sometimes seem to stumble into long-term job situations by sheer force of their overall curiosity and competence. In fact, their job status and income level might seem to be inversely proportional to their education.
A distinct subgroup does exist: these are members of the Society for Creative Anachronism, avid readers (far more than the 2 to 6 books per year variously estimated as average for people in the United States), especially of the science fiction and fantasy genres, and professing the Wiccan religion or a sort of "Earth-centered" optimistic agnosticism. The reason such a cluster exists is simple enough: someone who is willing to "go public" about being slightly outside of the mainstream (as with dressing up in medieval garb to attend SCA events, for instance) is more likely than the general population to consider other non-mainstream lifestyle choices as potential options. This "expansive" tendency doesn't necessarily go both ways - there are plenty of people who live in what could be called a polyamorous fashion, but are extremely unadventurous; to put it another way, being open-minded and curious tends to lead toward nonmonogamy, but the reverse doesn't seem to hold at all well. “
(2) I’m just going to leave this here…
“69. Time out: sex has limits
Sex demands energy, and it gives energy. I once had a persistent case of bronchitis, and I was amused to notice that I could make love with my partner very strenuously, sometimes for two hours, with absolutely no trouble other than a little minor wheezing. But, like clockwork, I would go into spasmodic coughing shortly after orgasm. On an emotional level, great sex frightens many people. A woman who considers herself not very sexual (a conclusion reached from lack of exposure to both the affectional and erotic possibilities of sexual interaction) might appear to cool toward her lover after an extraordinary sexual experience. Yes, I've had this happen a few times, and I was startled to discover the cause, as my other lovers would have considered my skills to be above average but hardly a transformative experience. Still, if your lover is used to rather second-rate sex, and you are very attentive and in-the-moment, this might be a bit of a shock to his or her system. The cooling-off reaction is an attempt to step back for the sake of objectivity, and have a long think. When I quizzed one lover, she explained that it had been such a change from how things had been during her married years that she'd been flooded with nagging questions about all that wasted time, and whether her attitudes toward sex hadn't been seriously damaged. She wanted time to think these things over, rather than either attach this upset to me or bury the feelings altogether. “
—
Bottom line: Avoid this book. If you see someone else reading it, carefully remove it from their hands and redirect them to something by Clementine Morrigan, Meg-John Barker, Tikva Wolf, Tristan Taormino, Kevin Patterson, Elisabeth Sheff, or Kim Tallbear, to name a few.
What follows is a journey through one man’s narrow perspective presented as if it were universal truth. Even the tongue in cheek tone isn’t enough to save it from serious problems with presenting personal anecdotal experience like it’s fact, riddled with condescension and self-aggrandizement. In his further reading section, he notes that he has not read the Ethical Slut but lists it anyway because it was suggested to him. Yeah, he didn’t even read one of the better books that was *actually available* at that time.
It’s the only book I have ever recycled instead of donating, because letting it go free into the world seemed irresponsible, like a bomb waiting to explode with inaccurate impressions for the unsuspecting reader new to this subject.
But you don’t have to take my word for it. Here are some excerpts:
—
(1) Remember that piece about not being boring by referring to any data?
“Let me pull up some observable demographics. If a given person identities with the term "polyamorous," chances are that she or he is a citizen of the United States, raised in a middle-class household by a nominally Christian family with moderate-to-poor communication skills, where folks were loving and supportive but not great at showing how they felt. (Not so long ago, I would've stated that 95% of people who know the word "polyamory" and apply it to themselves would be purebred European stock, but that has changed in recent years, and I'd say it's now relatively safe to guess 75%.) He or she is most likely of high intelligence, has spent two or three years in college, is conversant in technology and the Internet, and has distinct entrepreneurial and artistic leanings. This person is probably a self-described bisexual, though recent sexual experience with lovers of both genders may be lacking. They love the members of the family into which they were born, but are probably not "out" to them, and have found that a few visits per year seems to leave everyone an adequate comfort zone; given an opportunity, they prefer to live in a different city from their parents. As far as jobs, they aren't usually very career-oriented, though they sometimes seem to stumble into long-term job situations by sheer force of their overall curiosity and competence. In fact, their job status and income level might seem to be inversely proportional to their education.
A distinct subgroup does exist: these are members of the Society for Creative Anachronism, avid readers (far more than the 2 to 6 books per year variously estimated as average for people in the United States), especially of the science fiction and fantasy genres, and professing the Wiccan religion or a sort of "Earth-centered" optimistic agnosticism. The reason such a cluster exists is simple enough: someone who is willing to "go public" about being slightly outside of the mainstream (as with dressing up in medieval garb to attend SCA events, for instance) is more likely than the general population to consider other non-mainstream lifestyle choices as potential options. This "expansive" tendency doesn't necessarily go both ways - there are plenty of people who live in what could be called a polyamorous fashion, but are extremely unadventurous; to put it another way, being open-minded and curious tends to lead toward nonmonogamy, but the reverse doesn't seem to hold at all well. “
(2) I’m just going to leave this here…
“69. Time out: sex has limits
Sex demands energy, and it gives energy. I once had a persistent case of bronchitis, and I was amused to notice that I could make love with my partner very strenuously, sometimes for two hours, with absolutely no trouble other than a little minor wheezing. But, like clockwork, I would go into spasmodic coughing shortly after orgasm. On an emotional level, great sex frightens many people. A woman who considers herself not very sexual (a conclusion reached from lack of exposure to both the affectional and erotic possibilities of sexual interaction) might appear to cool toward her lover after an extraordinary sexual experience. Yes, I've had this happen a few times, and I was startled to discover the cause, as my other lovers would have considered my skills to be above average but hardly a transformative experience. Still, if your lover is used to rather second-rate sex, and you are very attentive and in-the-moment, this might be a bit of a shock to his or her system. The cooling-off reaction is an attempt to step back for the sake of objectivity, and have a long think. When I quizzed one lover, she explained that it had been such a change from how things had been during her married years that she'd been flooded with nagging questions about all that wasted time, and whether her attitudes toward sex hadn't been seriously damaged. She wanted time to think these things over, rather than either attach this upset to me or bury the feelings altogether. “
—
Bottom line: Avoid this book. If you see someone else reading it, carefully remove it from their hands and redirect them to something by Clementine Morrigan, Meg-John Barker, Tikva Wolf, Tristan Taormino, Kevin Patterson, Elisabeth Sheff, or Kim Tallbear, to name a few.
May 22, 2014
While trying to catch up on listening to Polyamory Weekly (I am horribly behind, still working through 2007), I heard a discussion of Polyamory: Roadmaps for the Clueless & Hopeful by Anthony Ravenscroft. Those involved in the discussion seemed to be put off by the author, but still found a decent number of helpful tidbits throughout.
I have to say, I agree. Ravenscroft is sharp, and has clearly spent a lot of time observing people and relationships. His commentary on poly dynamics is really dead on; I found countless situations that I've experienced or witnessed reflected in his writing. There is no campaigning for polyamory, no sweeping the difficult aspects under the carpet. He presents polyamory as another valid relationship option, not a superior one, and fully acknowledges (almost obsessively) the tricky dynamics that can be involved. Ravenscroft encourages his readers to take the time to think about the possibilities that aren't pleasant, the negative consequences, the potential pitfalls, etc… While this can feel pretty depressing, I think it is a good suggestion to help prevent being blindsided when a relationship doesn't go quite as planned. (And really, how often do relationships follow our happy little scripts?) He is blunt to a fault, and this line pretty much sums up his writing:"I prefer prickly honesty over the ticking time bomb of dishonest comfort." He doesn't pull any punches, and that's rather refreshing!
As with most books, I don't agree with him on everything. His perspective on safer sex/condom use doesn't match my experience at all - to him, trust in a partner should be enough that we shouldn't need to specifically lay out our safer sex plans, to the point where he categorizes people who make a big deal about safer sex (condom usage specifically) as fear mongers using their superior ethics to get more partners while not actually being any more likely to strictly practice what they preach. This may be because my primary experience has been within the BDSM and queer communities, but that part of the book did not ring true at all.
At the beginning of the book, Ravenscroft admits to his blatant bias: he's a heterosexual white guy, and that's the only perspective he knows. You will not find much if any discussion of same-sex relationships (other than girlfriends of his female partners) or race/class issues. Despite this, there are a ton of good ideas and they are written in a very down-to-earth style. I especially appreciate his emphasis on not "trying out" poly because it's different or cool, and on taking the time before you jump into poly to develop your relationship skills and good, deep friendships.
Be forewarned, however: the author's ego is readily apparent throughout the book. By the end, you'll be very aware of how good his communication skills are and how well he satisfies his partners in bed. Every once in a while I had to put the book down to get away from the self-aggrandizement. This, and the unbelievably tiny print, were why it took me so long to make it all the way through. If your eyesight isn't great, get out the reading glasses, a magnifying glass, or campaign for a digital version so you can increase the font size.
All in all, I would recommend this to anyone who is tired of the fluff written about "alternative" relationship styles and who tends towards the snarky side of life. This is definitely one to add to any collection of books on nonmonogamy and polyamory, just prepare to stifle your gag reflex when the author waxes on about himself.
I have to say, I agree. Ravenscroft is sharp, and has clearly spent a lot of time observing people and relationships. His commentary on poly dynamics is really dead on; I found countless situations that I've experienced or witnessed reflected in his writing. There is no campaigning for polyamory, no sweeping the difficult aspects under the carpet. He presents polyamory as another valid relationship option, not a superior one, and fully acknowledges (almost obsessively) the tricky dynamics that can be involved. Ravenscroft encourages his readers to take the time to think about the possibilities that aren't pleasant, the negative consequences, the potential pitfalls, etc… While this can feel pretty depressing, I think it is a good suggestion to help prevent being blindsided when a relationship doesn't go quite as planned. (And really, how often do relationships follow our happy little scripts?) He is blunt to a fault, and this line pretty much sums up his writing:"I prefer prickly honesty over the ticking time bomb of dishonest comfort." He doesn't pull any punches, and that's rather refreshing!
As with most books, I don't agree with him on everything. His perspective on safer sex/condom use doesn't match my experience at all - to him, trust in a partner should be enough that we shouldn't need to specifically lay out our safer sex plans, to the point where he categorizes people who make a big deal about safer sex (condom usage specifically) as fear mongers using their superior ethics to get more partners while not actually being any more likely to strictly practice what they preach. This may be because my primary experience has been within the BDSM and queer communities, but that part of the book did not ring true at all.
At the beginning of the book, Ravenscroft admits to his blatant bias: he's a heterosexual white guy, and that's the only perspective he knows. You will not find much if any discussion of same-sex relationships (other than girlfriends of his female partners) or race/class issues. Despite this, there are a ton of good ideas and they are written in a very down-to-earth style. I especially appreciate his emphasis on not "trying out" poly because it's different or cool, and on taking the time before you jump into poly to develop your relationship skills and good, deep friendships.
Be forewarned, however: the author's ego is readily apparent throughout the book. By the end, you'll be very aware of how good his communication skills are and how well he satisfies his partners in bed. Every once in a while I had to put the book down to get away from the self-aggrandizement. This, and the unbelievably tiny print, were why it took me so long to make it all the way through. If your eyesight isn't great, get out the reading glasses, a magnifying glass, or campaign for a digital version so you can increase the font size.
All in all, I would recommend this to anyone who is tired of the fluff written about "alternative" relationship styles and who tends towards the snarky side of life. This is definitely one to add to any collection of books on nonmonogamy and polyamory, just prepare to stifle your gag reflex when the author waxes on about himself.
Read
June 12, 2009This book is bizarre. The author seems to genuinely know a lot about polyamory, and he has the sort of inquiring mind that lends itself to interesting discussion. But. The book has an inescapable air of “here are my thoughts on yaoi” (to borrow a phrase). The author also gives advice that I find mildly insane. Example: you should spend some time thinking long and hard about all the ways that your lover might hurt you, so that you are not blindsided when the worst happens. I am no proponent of ‘The Secret’, but I still think positive thinking is probably better than needless worrying!
I might finish reading this at some point, but I do not feel especially inclined to do so. (Please note, the book’s font size is painfully small, which hardly an incentive to read more!)
I might finish reading this at some point, but I do not feel especially inclined to do so. (Please note, the book’s font size is painfully small, which hardly an incentive to read more!)
May 25, 2009
Even if polyamory is not your thing, this book offers a lot of useful advice that could potentially help any relationship become more sound.
Ravenscroft doesn't hide the fact that he is a white, middle-class man, and that he can only truly speak from that point of view, but he is also thoughtful, logical, and has interacted with a great variety of people which gives breadth to his personal limitations.
Ravenscroft doesn't hide the fact that he is a white, middle-class man, and that he can only truly speak from that point of view, but he is also thoughtful, logical, and has interacted with a great variety of people which gives breadth to his personal limitations.
September 8, 2022
Has some real gems, but the real draw is the cynicism. The table of contents alone is a laugh riot to experienced polyamorists. If you want to have a crusty old man try and talk you out of the poly lifestyle, this is the book for you. Make it to the other side and you’ll be just fine.
March 4, 2022
Did the job to explain the basics of polyamory but felt like the point of view is fairly dated. Most of the context is based on personal boas and experiences. "Statistics and poll" are never sourced with a footnote. And most of the triadic relationship explanations are very cishet oriented. Plus the author boasts a little too much about himself for my liking. Otherwise you get the basic lingo. But all in all it just feels like you're talking to a middle aged guy at a tiki bar. Points for explaining but some removed for the patronizing narrative/ego.
June 13, 2008
Ick, rather unhelpful. The writer is a Caucasian upper middle class man who can't seem to manage any advice that would be useful to anyone who isn't. It does; however, give you an interesting overview of the politicking of the polyamory community and a guideline of sorts for becoming part of a larger polyamory network. By and large The Ethical Slut is a much more friendly, all-purpose reference on this topic.
December 9, 2016
Highly recommended to everyone interested in building human relationships, even if you're not interested in polyamory at all. Well-written manual on communication and conflict-solving in the context of romance (and more).
Read
June 2, 2008Rambling style, but seems good so far...
Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews