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Pagan Polyamory: Becoming a Tribe of Hearts
The term "polyamory" describes non-monogamous relationships based on honesty and affection. Presenting a fascinating peek inside the polyamorous lifestyle from a Pagan perspective, Raven Kaldera offers practical insight and spiritual depth into a vastly misunderstood way of life.
Relating polyamory to astrology and the elements (air, fire, water, earth, and spirit), the author addresses all aspects of the polyamorous life, including family life, sexual ethics, emotional issues, proper etiquette, relationship boundaries, and the pros of cons of this lifestyle. Kaldera also discusses polyamory as a path of spiritual transformation and shares spells, rituals, and ceremonies for affirming one's relationships and spirituality.
Relating polyamory to astrology and the elements (air, fire, water, earth, and spirit), the author addresses all aspects of the polyamorous life, including family life, sexual ethics, emotional issues, proper etiquette, relationship boundaries, and the pros of cons of this lifestyle. Kaldera also discusses polyamory as a path of spiritual transformation and shares spells, rituals, and ceremonies for affirming one's relationships and spirituality.
288 pages, Paperback
First published November 1, 2005
10 people are currently reading
467 people want to read
About the author
Raven Kaldera
89 books107 followersA female-to-male transgendered activist and shaman, Raven Kaldera is a pagan priest, intersex transgender activist, parent, astrologer, musician and homesteader. Kaldera is also the author of "Hermaphrodeities: The Transgender Spirituality Workbook" from XLibris Press. The founder and leader of the Pagan Kingdom of Asphodel and the Asphodel Pagan Choir, Kaldera has been a neo-pagan since the age of 14, when he was converted by a "fam-trad" teen on a date. Since then, he's been through half a dozen traditions, including Gardnerian, Dianic, granola paganism, Umbanda, Heithnir, and the Peasant Tradition. He is currently happily married to artist and eco-experimentalist Bella Kaldera, with whom he co-founded the Institute for Heritage Skills.
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Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews
August 2, 2018
I have read Pagan Polyamory multiple times. This book is a fantastic resource to have if someone has questions about polyamory. There aren't that many sources on polyamory. Those that do exist focus more on the morality of being polyamorus. While this book focuses on establishing a poly relationship and how to maintain the relationships. In addition, Kaldera discusses moving in with lovers, forming a family, raising children, and dealing with the death of a family member.
As one can see this book discusses Paganism and includes spells,but they aren't necessary the most important part of this book. Spell or rituals can be skipped if the reader is an Atheist. Overall this book has great advice and insight. Many of the exercises and spells focus on trust and honesty. No relationship whether poly or monogamous will last if there is no trust. In addition, Kaldera does not shame people for choosing to be monogamous or polyamorus. He also believes in body autonomy. No means no. Overall, one of the best books on the subject that I have read.
As one can see this book discusses Paganism and includes spells,but they aren't necessary the most important part of this book. Spell or rituals can be skipped if the reader is an Atheist. Overall this book has great advice and insight. Many of the exercises and spells focus on trust and honesty. No relationship whether poly or monogamous will last if there is no trust. In addition, Kaldera does not shame people for choosing to be monogamous or polyamorus. He also believes in body autonomy. No means no. Overall, one of the best books on the subject that I have read.
January 9, 2012
Communication is the major emphasis in this book, and the information on effective communication in romantic relationships is worth more than its weight in gold and applies even in monogamous relationships. The rituals included (the primary parts that make this book geared for Pagan) are helpful guides for those who have never written or done a ritual, but not likely to appeal to experienced practitioners who have already developed their own style of practice.
January 19, 2010
If you are pagan and poly (or considering it), read this. If you call yourself pagan and poly, read this. (These are not necessarily the same thing.) Interesting sociological considerations there.
It's not the be-all nor end-all of poly thinking. But it has some interesting rituals and frameworks, and is a fun read, to boot.
It's not the be-all nor end-all of poly thinking. But it has some interesting rituals and frameworks, and is a fun read, to boot.
May 14, 2018
I thought I'd published a review here several years ago, but it seems I did it for another site instead. Re-reading that review some 10 years later, I find that my views have changed a little - not necessarily concerning polyamory, but more toward paganism and "religion" in general.
If you can get past the whole pagan religious proselytizing all throughout the book, it's a rather good insight into the world of polyamory, what to expect, how to deal with the myriad of problems that can (and will) pop up, how to approach partners, etc. I just found the whole pagan dogmatism within Kaldera's writing to be a little off-putting, even back then, when I was a bit more enthralled with pagan practices - then again, it is a book about pagan polyamory.
That said, I would almost tell you this should be a "must-read" for anyone considering the poly lifestyle. It certainly answered some questions I'd had as well as gave me direction in many of the things I'd done incorrectly in the past concerning the poly lifestyle as well as giving me much to think about before I enter into another.
Reading something written from the perspective of a person that has not only lived that lifestyle, but has done so rather successfully can be very helpful when attempting to engage in that behavior yourself. As they say, forewarned is forearmed.
Really, if you can get past all the pagan references, it IS quite good. It is, by far, one of the more "readable" and less text-bookish studies on the subject that are out there. That isn't to say it is the "best" by any means, but it is very good.
If you can get past the whole pagan religious proselytizing all throughout the book, it's a rather good insight into the world of polyamory, what to expect, how to deal with the myriad of problems that can (and will) pop up, how to approach partners, etc. I just found the whole pagan dogmatism within Kaldera's writing to be a little off-putting, even back then, when I was a bit more enthralled with pagan practices - then again, it is a book about pagan polyamory.
That said, I would almost tell you this should be a "must-read" for anyone considering the poly lifestyle. It certainly answered some questions I'd had as well as gave me direction in many of the things I'd done incorrectly in the past concerning the poly lifestyle as well as giving me much to think about before I enter into another.
Reading something written from the perspective of a person that has not only lived that lifestyle, but has done so rather successfully can be very helpful when attempting to engage in that behavior yourself. As they say, forewarned is forearmed.
Really, if you can get past all the pagan references, it IS quite good. It is, by far, one of the more "readable" and less text-bookish studies on the subject that are out there. That isn't to say it is the "best" by any means, but it is very good.
October 21, 2019
I appreciated the many points of view represented in this exploration of the intersections and interactions of polyamory and paganism. The pros and cons of each topic—from legal considerations to household chores to safe sex practices to the terms folx use and so on—were given space, with Kaldera keeping things moving in a coherent direction.
I saw many reviews here that criticized its "proselytizing" or overly-religious nature, which baffles me. Um, it's a PAGAN book about polyamory, there WILL be references to the tenets and practices of pagan tradtions in here, folx. If it were a Christian book about monogamy, i would expect the author to draw meaning from the texts and tenets of those religious traditions. I didn't see any attempt to convert non-pagans into pagan (there weren't even any attempts to convert monogamous folx into poly folx), who might not ever pick up this book, anyway. And who is handing this book out on street corners or door-to-door?
I saw many reviews here that criticized its "proselytizing" or overly-religious nature, which baffles me. Um, it's a PAGAN book about polyamory, there WILL be references to the tenets and practices of pagan tradtions in here, folx. If it were a Christian book about monogamy, i would expect the author to draw meaning from the texts and tenets of those religious traditions. I didn't see any attempt to convert non-pagans into pagan (there weren't even any attempts to convert monogamous folx into poly folx), who might not ever pick up this book, anyway. And who is handing this book out on street corners or door-to-door?
April 26, 2020
I think he could have gone into more depth about the spiritual/neopagan aspects of polyamory - mostly what he seemed interested in discussing were rituals for poly handfastings, settling arguments, etc. and how it interacts with neopagan culture. Overall a really interesting book with some fresh perspectives that I enjoyed.
February 15, 2009
Kaldera collected questionnaires from over 100 self-identified Pagan poly people, and folds those stories into this book. This was very similar to the research done by Tristan Taormino for her book Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships (a book I would highly recommend to anyone). There is an important difference, though, in the approaches the two writers take. Taormino takes the role of a social scientist, attempting to offer up the collected information with minimal interaction with her own agenda, and clearly naming when she was offering her own opinion. Kaldera eschews the role of sociologist and moves instead from a role of clergy in the faith, which shapes his book in a number of ways.
1) He shapes the information according to a faith-based structure, relying on astrology and elemental associations and sorting the collected stories into previously defined categories. Alongside the exploration of the topic and sharing of stories, he offers corresponding spells that support the Pagan household. I would think this could be very valuable to those working from that faith.
2) He also "sermonizes" in his writing (though I used to be Pagan, I don't remember a term for the Pagan analog of this Christian action). Kaldera has some accumulated wisdom from several fields in psychology, and he shares some of this. The information shared, however, is firmly intertwined with his own experiences, to the point where it is unclear where proffered theory ends and his musings begin. As an example, since I have some training in group dynamics, I know some of what he shares without cited sources does indeed come from a researched field of study. There are certain benefits, drawbacks, and natural tendencies to relationships of various numbers of people (2, 3, 4 and more). But other information woven through his writing doesn't come from that field, and it is unclear whether he is summarizing trends seen in the surveys, or (as I suspect) he has certain assumptions and understandings from his experience that he is offering up. I love the art of the sermon, as one educated person's perspective. But I think mixing a sermon in with a sociological experiment in book form is confusing and misleading.
An important element of any book on poly, for me personally, is how they interact with monogamous relationships and people who identify as some form of mono. Kaldera has a lot of respect when dealing directly with mono bonds and mono people, throughout the book. He also biases his seemingly theoretical information toward poly relationships. To return to my previous example, he shares several benefits of a triad, finding the dyad dynamic inferior by comparison; he completely ignores the natural tendencies of triads that are challenging, and that are nonexistent in dyadic relationships. Also, he assumes that more people in a relationship equals more self-awareness in the mix. That... is a dangerous assumption that I am not willing to make.
These challenges aside, there is a lot of information here, and those who pick and choose what they take from it could be rewarded. I think it may be valuable food for thought for Pagan poly folk, if they're willing to question the content and mine the best information from it.
1) He shapes the information according to a faith-based structure, relying on astrology and elemental associations and sorting the collected stories into previously defined categories. Alongside the exploration of the topic and sharing of stories, he offers corresponding spells that support the Pagan household. I would think this could be very valuable to those working from that faith.
2) He also "sermonizes" in his writing (though I used to be Pagan, I don't remember a term for the Pagan analog of this Christian action). Kaldera has some accumulated wisdom from several fields in psychology, and he shares some of this. The information shared, however, is firmly intertwined with his own experiences, to the point where it is unclear where proffered theory ends and his musings begin. As an example, since I have some training in group dynamics, I know some of what he shares without cited sources does indeed come from a researched field of study. There are certain benefits, drawbacks, and natural tendencies to relationships of various numbers of people (2, 3, 4 and more). But other information woven through his writing doesn't come from that field, and it is unclear whether he is summarizing trends seen in the surveys, or (as I suspect) he has certain assumptions and understandings from his experience that he is offering up. I love the art of the sermon, as one educated person's perspective. But I think mixing a sermon in with a sociological experiment in book form is confusing and misleading.
An important element of any book on poly, for me personally, is how they interact with monogamous relationships and people who identify as some form of mono. Kaldera has a lot of respect when dealing directly with mono bonds and mono people, throughout the book. He also biases his seemingly theoretical information toward poly relationships. To return to my previous example, he shares several benefits of a triad, finding the dyad dynamic inferior by comparison; he completely ignores the natural tendencies of triads that are challenging, and that are nonexistent in dyadic relationships. Also, he assumes that more people in a relationship equals more self-awareness in the mix. That... is a dangerous assumption that I am not willing to make.
These challenges aside, there is a lot of information here, and those who pick and choose what they take from it could be rewarded. I think it may be valuable food for thought for Pagan poly folk, if they're willing to question the content and mine the best information from it.
November 16, 2007
An interesting, rambling collection of thoughts on polyamory, with the occasional pagan ritual thrown in. There is a backdrop of how well paganism takes to polyamory, but even non-pagans may enjoy this book.
While polyamory is widely covered from relationship styles to sex to thoughts on living collectively with children, the style wanders more like a scattered stream of consciousness than a logical exploration of each chapter. If you're interested in revisiting certain subjects, you are going to need plenty of bookmarks.
However, the quotes from various poly folks about how they see and manage aspects of their own relationships is valuable reading, and the section filled with sample ground rules and agreements that can contribute to a healthy relationship is well laid out. There is more ambition to cover advanced subjects and relationship tools than introductory books such as The Ethical Slut.
The addition of the classic essay "A Bouquet of Lovers" by Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart, who coined the term Polyamory adds light with its compact yet thorough 'Rules of the Road' for attempting successful polyamorous relationships. While this book is probably not the clearest introduction to the world of polyamory if you aren't familiar with it, any new book expanding understanding on the subject is a welcome one.
While polyamory is widely covered from relationship styles to sex to thoughts on living collectively with children, the style wanders more like a scattered stream of consciousness than a logical exploration of each chapter. If you're interested in revisiting certain subjects, you are going to need plenty of bookmarks.
However, the quotes from various poly folks about how they see and manage aspects of their own relationships is valuable reading, and the section filled with sample ground rules and agreements that can contribute to a healthy relationship is well laid out. There is more ambition to cover advanced subjects and relationship tools than introductory books such as The Ethical Slut.
The addition of the classic essay "A Bouquet of Lovers" by Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart, who coined the term Polyamory adds light with its compact yet thorough 'Rules of the Road' for attempting successful polyamorous relationships. While this book is probably not the clearest introduction to the world of polyamory if you aren't familiar with it, any new book expanding understanding on the subject is a welcome one.
January 12, 2009
I really enjoy this book. Plenty of diverse viewpoints from real people all over the world, and some solid explanation of how to make poly relationships work, and how actual poly relationship work for some pagan people. I also like the spells and rituals included to help paganfolk with their relationships.
February 4, 2011
I have always been fascinated by polyamory in relation to humans, mammals and genetically programmed sexual behavior. I do believe relationships like this are possible and have seen a couple of successful examples. This book is a great eye opener and teacher for those who feel a call to this lifestyle and are of the pagan persuasion.
January 11, 2008
Lots of anecdotes, so you can see how things have actually worked for this subgroup of the poly community.
Want to read
November 28, 2014Have this book haven't had the time to read it yet seems very good though will have to start soon.
Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews