It's Only Too Late if You Don't Start Now

by Barbara Sher

So here you are--with more than half of your life behind you and not nearly so many of those goals you once had accomplished. Or maybe you've reached all of those goals and are lost as to what to want next. Never fear--the "second life" as Barbara Sher calls it, can be just as good, in fact even better than the first. With Sher leading you step by step through the process of renewal and rediscovery, you learn how to identify what it is you want and exactly how to go about getting it.



In fact, the second life can be a great learning period and getting it right can save you years of confusion and prevent desperate acts like divorce, affairs, and dropping out. Beginning with the empowering notion that everyone has a future, regardless of his or her age, Barbara Sher first shows you how to identify where you are and the illusions that are holding you back. Then, using enlightening exercises like tracking your dreams and impressions throughout your life, beginning with infancy, and constructing a plan for the next 30 years, whatever your age, Sher shows you how to tackle your new life.



It'S Only Too Late If You Don't Start Now is a positive guide to recovering your individuality and mapping out your second life. Barbara Sher's trademark warm, engaging tone and lead-by-the-hand technique are sure to make it a self-help classic.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Personal Development, Psychology, Personal Growth, Audiobook

Audio Cassette

First published January 1, 1998

About the author

Librarian Note: There is more than one author in the Goodreads database with this name.

Barbara Sher was a speaker, career/lifestyle coach, and best-selling author of seven books on goal achievement. Her books have sold millions of copies and been translated into many languages. She had appeared on Oprah, The Today Show, 60 Minutes, CNN, and Good Morning America and her public television specials aired regularly in the United States. Sher lectured at universities, Fortune 100 companies and professional conferences all over the world.
Sher's latest book, Refuse to Choose (Rodale 2006) is a step-by-step program designed for "scanners", people with many interests who are unable to decide on a single direction for their lives.

wiki courtesy

Reviews

[Christina Pilkington · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'll be turning 45 this year, so about 5 more years until 50. It's hard not to look back and wonder why I haven't already accomplished some of the things that I thought I would have accomplished at this age. It's also hard not to think that some of my dreams are becoming less attainable because I'm getting older.

Barbara Sher did a great job of showing me that I have (unless I develop a disease or get into an accident)a lot more of my life yet to live and more than enough time to follow my dreams.

She showed me how my life choices, many of which I am proud of (homeschooling my kids, traveling with them to 8 countries and 42 states, starting websites and blogs among other things), will only help me on my journey to doing what I was born to do.

I personally found this book very encouraging and would highly recommend it to anyone age 40 or older.

[Pamela Wells · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a fun book for middle-age Seekers who are really tired of waiting for their lives to begin! Barbara says it is never too late unless you don't start now. So start by reading this light-hearted book that keeps the to-do list simple yet wonderfully inspirational.

I also don't mind saying I read this book before turning 40. It is now part of my permanent collection of inspirational wisdom books. I think this book can be relevant to anyone at any age who is ready to begin a life of purpose and passion! Barbara is a wonderful guide and motivational writer.

[Leanne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such an insightful book! Barbara Sher has convinced me that "coming of age" should mean when you are finally at the age where your own will, instead of biology, can actually determine what you do with your life.

Sher is extremely clear that we need to stop dreading aging and see it as a fairly modern gift. She bases this argument on the point that as long as we are involved in reproduction and the survival of the species, we live lives programmed simply by biology. Instead of viewing aging as a slowing down of life and as a type of loss--Sher promotes the idea that after 40 is when life can become the most exciting and interesting. It is after 40, after we have reached the age least important to the survival of the species, that we can become "less conventional in our choices" and actually live our lives in our own unique way.

Her words: "You can't emerge a true original until you're free of the grip of youth." pg. 88

What a positive, powerful way to view getting older!

Sher spends a lot of time re-framing ant-aging biases with clear-eyed chapters on beauty, love, and power. It's like talking to a wise friend who challenges your worn-out ideas and gives you a fresh view on life.

In letting go of our desire to have it all and be it all, she writes: "Once you drop the burden of omnipotence, you stop being responsible for the universe, and you become responsible only what you can actually DO." Sher claims it isn't getting older that makes us tired, but but trying to be omnipotent.

When you no longer pretend to have complete control over the outcome, your job becomes very clear: you must try your best to do 100 percent of 50 percent--that is your share before fate steps in--and take pleasure and pride in your work. The other 50 percent doesn't belong to you anyway." pg 220. You can then fall in love with the world as it IS, not as you wanted it to be. That's a lot of freedom right there.

On finding the courage to live your own life: "It means you have to roll up your sleeves and do the right thing for yourself. No more excuses. The era of complaints and pleas for justice is over. You can't expect people to be fair just because you request it, especially when you've allowed them to get away with their behavior for such a long time.
"You'll have to take what you need; that's why it takes courage.
"That means you'll have to stand strong and allow people to disapprove and be upset. I don't mean you should abandon your family--you've made promises, and you won't have a clear mind if you don't keep them--but that doesn't mean that you must carry your dependents so high that their feet never touch the ground.
"It also means that you can't ASK people to see you as a person with rights; you have to BECOME that person and let them see whatever they choose." pg 250.

I should memorize that passage.

Finally, and what I constantly repeat to myself these days, is her prescription for turning the years ahead into "the sweetest time of your life": An original mind. An intense interest. Great patience."

[Claudia Taller · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read it’s only too late if You Don’t Start Now in preparation for the February retreat. Barbara Sher. There was a lot of great advice in the book that I was able to use at the retreat. Sher suggests that many of us reach middle life and realize all of a sudden that we’re not immortal. “In other words, you start to live your life to suit who you really are.” We might start paying attention to what time we have love, because it’s life we love, not people, not necessarily. We grow up, as Bob Dylan sang, “But I was so much older then, I’m younger than that now.” In middle age “you stop being driven by instinct and wake up to a different level of consciousness—complex, subtle, and intense, loaded with revelation and insight.” I want to know why people don’t tell us about this.

[Emma Sea · Rating 5 out of 5]

I actually really, really loved this. Especially the part about romantic relationships and sex i.e. I don't want any. The way Sher discusses the biological functions of attraction and desire totally resonates with me. The book has also helped me get over the endless screwups I've made in my life. "Mistakes were what your first life was for . . . you have reached the age of great undertakings."

Recommended

[Timofey Peters · Rating 5 out of 5]

Прекрасная книга о трудном «переходном» возрасте взрослых дяденек и тетенек — кризисе среднего возраста. Почему случается такой кризис, что происходит, и, самое главное, что с этим делать. В книге масса полезных упражнений. Оценка 5/5.

[Irene · Rating 4 out of 5]

Saw Barbara Sher on a PBS fundraising promo - it was a filming of her speaking engagement promoting this book. I was glued to the TV and by the end of the program I felt motivated to take a look at my life/dreams/goals and realizing that the only thing stopping me from pursuing my goals was ME. And the only reason someone else intimidated me and inhibited me was because I'd ALLOWED it. The had come for me to take ownership of myself. A very liberating - at times scary - process. Everyone's "second life" is different and sometimes doesn't include career or lifestyle, per se. Dreams and goals don't have to be accomplishments or accolades. They can be as simple as feeling happy (which, for some is not so simple). It can be taking a trip - or extensive trips. It can be learning to play a musical instrument or foreign language, or giving back to the community through volunteering or working with troubled teens or the elderly. It can be anything we feel passionate about, be it a hobby or career path, or a personal challenge that we set for ourselves (climbing Mt. Everest or running a marathon). For me, it's writing. One cannot be a writer unless one writes. I can't get published if I don't start pursuing that path. Meanwhile I must write for fun, as a hobby. Keep a journal, write poetry, essays, letters to friends...Anything. Everything. Before it's too late...

[Barry Davis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Subtitled “How to Create Your Second Life After 40,” an extraordinary book on embracing what many call the midlife crisis as a call to excellence. Written in a disarming style with pertinent questions inserted directly into the text, the author challenges beliefs on aging, death, love, power, etc. Exercises at the end of each chapter are intended to inspire and unsettle the reader. Sher says your first life belongs to nature, the second life (after 40, give or take some years) should belong to you. Encourages “barbarian awe” and “innocent wisdom.” End of the book has some exercises around grieving lost youth, etc, that may be a little over the edge, but still an extremely helpful book. This is a must read for virtually anyone who feels that their life and dreams have passed them by.

[Stella · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this first in 2012 and it didn't resonate with me as much, although I loved it. It's because I wasn't even 40 yet back then. I am 42 now and this book has cured me of my midlife crisis and sent me on my way to freedom. Thank you!

[Constant · Rating 3 out of 5]

Sher addresses the notion of a midlife crisis for readers 40 years and older.

You’re in a transition, not a decline it’s very important that you know the difference if you can see this upheaval for what it is, you can avoid making some costly, unnecessary mistakes and wasting precious time period if you don’t understand what’s happening, you can’t help wanting to go back, trying to find some way to retreat from the future (p2).

Time isn’t going anywhere, it’s passing simply got visible. But because time’s behavior feels very new to you, you need to sit down and do some thinking before making any emergency decisions. When you’re in unfamiliar territory, it’s better to have no map at all than the wrong one, because if you become frightened by this new face of time, you might start running in circles just when you’re finally free to start moving ahead. That would be a costly mistake (p46).

But hope can cut both ways. Sometimes it can harbor a chronic refusal to enjoy the present – or to improve it. If you’ve been using hope to replace action, the passage of time has caught you unprepared (p60).

But being invisible (due to age) puts a great power in your hands, the power to be yourself. Being invisible lets you swipe something a lot bigger, the freedom to do as you please. Because when people stop seeing you, they lose control over you (p84).

Rule Number One: Don’t decide you’re too old to do something before you really are (p89).

One day it hit me: “I was measuring my insides against their outsides,” a client said to me.

When you no longer pretend to have complete control over the outcome, your job becomes very clear: you must try your best to do 100 percent of your 50 percent – that is, your share before fate steps in – and take pleasure and pride in your work. The other 50 percent doesn’t belong to you anyway (p220).

I want to do ______ (fill in the blank with the dream), but I can’t because of _______ (fill in the blank with the obstacle). The idea is to generate ideas to address the identified obstacle.

Structure and support are essential to help us pass through this electric field that separates the two universes. We need to know someones there and something is expected of us at a certain time, to make us feel a bit safer. Structure and support will lower the animal apprehension that rises in us whenever we embark on unknown journeys, no matter how delightful they may be (p310).

** Big Questions (p16)
Where am I going?
Did I do the right thing with my time so far?
What’s ahead?
What are my greatest fears?
What do I really want in my future?
What do I definitely not want any more of?
What regrets would I hate to have when I look back on my life in later years?
Why am I on this planet?

** Defining Success
If you don’t feel successful yet, you might be thinking, Will I ever make it? Should I cut my losses and give up?” if you’ve achieved some of your goals, you might be wondering, “Have I made it yet? And if you feel you have achieved success, you still sometimes think,“Is this it (p144)?”
Unfortunately, this need for approval can be endless because instead of providing you with a permanent sense of well-being, it has a way of disappearing down the well of self doubt, which was originally dug by disapproval. That’s a basic dynamic behind the desire for success, and it’s part of the early training of every child (p146).

** Failure
Failure that can be seen as the distance between what you expected and what you got - if and only if you define your worth by the opinions of others (p163).

** Escape to Freedom
Why is it when mid-lifers talk of fulfilling their life long dreams before they’re too old to do them, they’re always talking about escape dreams: adventure, romance, running away to sea (p171).
The problem is, when you have road fever you don’t want to think of newness turning into day-to-day anything. Never ending novelty is the whole point. The hope that nothing will ever again be “day-to-day” is as seductive as the destination. Radical impulsiveness is an essential.
It isn’t hard work you hate. But the responsibilities you carry have done something far more damaging to your ability to love your life, they have focused all your thoughts on your day-to-day survival. The dulling routine of your days has stolen away something precious that once made life worth living (p178).

** Fear and Power
Did you ever wonder why we’re all so scared at interviews, auditions and first dates? You might assume that we fear rejection, but if we were so sure of rejection, we probably wouldn’t be so scared. We’d give up and relax. No, the reason we’re afraid is that we’re sure that somewhere inside us we have the power to make really important things come out our way, but we’re not sure how (p197).
Do you have private rituals, like using your left hand to open the door or refusing to give yourself some kind of treat? That’s because the more helpless we feel, and the more vulnerable to danger we imagine ourselves to be, the more rituals we need to protect ourselves. It’s all part of trying to control the universe that’s starting to look as chancey as a roulette wheel (p207).

** Complaining and Selfish People
Chronic complaining is a substitute for action (p232).
There’s a class of people, however, who never grow up and who have no idea why they should. I call them “ people who eat people.”
If somebody else always comes before you, you’ll never grow into who you really are (p257).

** Dreams
Compile a list of dreams over various periods of your life and then shorten the list (outdated, no longer fit, daydreams or driven by the wrong motivations such as pride or revenge).
Be careful to observe whether anything on the list is someone else’s dream.
(1) You outgrow them
(2) You didn’t take yourself seriously
(3) Something happened to stop you, and you never got started again
(4) The pressure to conform was too great
(5) You chose one path and didn’t get to take others
(6) Your dreams have been tied to someone else’s happiness
(7) You’re still waiting
(8) You tried and failed
(9) You never dared to try
(10) You had to give it up to support your family
(11) You’ve never had enough money
(12) You’re too old to do it anymore

** Quotes
“Everything so anticlimactic. I mean, my life’s okay, but I always look to the future period now I can’t see anything there.”
“ The body is at its best between the ages of 30 and 35: the mind is at its best about the age of 49 (Aristotle).”
It’s said that Charles de Gaulle never answered the phone. “ If I wanted to talk to someone, I would have called them.”
“Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret (Ambrose Bierce).”

[R. C. · Rating 4 out of 5]

Most surprising fact from this book: we have midlife crises when we reach the age our parents were when we first became aware of our parents' age. By that definition, I should have hit one at age 28. There definitely was some turbulence that year, but I think this book's message of "reframe - it's actually great to be [thing you are afraid of]" was already pretty solidly in my coping skills basket. The practical advice assumes a 1950s middle class existence, too. I'm part of a generation that watched their parent's retirement benefits stolen. We need a totally different book about living on purpose while old.

[Kate Arms · Rating 3 out of 5]

Like most of Barbara Sher's books, the theoretical portion is better than the how to take action portion of this book. But the theory is well worth reading.

Sher argues, effectively and with hard hitting directness, that the best things about midlife is that aging takes you out of the mating game and experience has taught you that romantic love is a fantasy of disastrous proportions, so you have an opportunity to create an authentic life based on who you are inside as opposed to based on what you look like and your biological drive to have children.

One of my favourite arguments for embracing age as early as possible.

[Katherine Ruth · Rating 2 out of 5]

I suspect this was written for my parents rather than my generation

[Apryl Anderson · Rating 3 out of 5]

If you've read one Barbara Sher, you've read 'em all...but that's not true. Her message of living life to the fullest extent is the touchstone in every one of her books, although the presentation changes to suit her intended reader. With that in mind, I really expected that this one would speak to me, the demicenturian. Her Freudian arguments about our ages and stages are theoretically relevant, but there's an angry delivery that tastes of bitterness. Okay, I assume she's doing this to draw out those who've been flummoxed by cultural assimilation. Fine, but that's why I almost tossed out the aging baby with the bathwater. It all feels like so much of an overly enthusiastic sideline coach.

The ultimate take-away for me in this one was in Chapter 10: The Courage to Live Your Life and Chapter 11: Turning Dreams into Goals. Not that this is original material, but that the Freudian drivel has an excellent application, after all. Even as I've spent the last 40 years undoing all the lies I've believed about me, I'm distracted by all the lies the world keeps living. Oops, there I go again, mistaking the mirror for a window. Doing Sher's exercises has given me new insight and fine-tuned my focus, although it's done nothing for my networking. That's up to me. Anybody fancy some art therapy-coaching-life enhancement workshops in Provence?

[Viber · Rating 2 out of 5]

Over the past few years I've found Barbara Sher and have read almost all of her books. While dated because some of them were published many decades ago I have enjoyed reading them and finding the great advice. This book, although one of the later books published (although still about 30 years old) this book is just too dated with its references and content. I imagine it was pretty great for it's time but I ended up skimming it because I cringed at too many parts.

If you already do own this book because you are looking for a way to find out what dreams to pursue and some direction how, the last 2 or 3 chapters do offer you some great advice without the cringy stories you'll find in the first 3/4 of the book.

[Stefanie Dettmers · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Größe ist kein Ziel, das man erreichen kann; sie ist lediglich eine Begleiterscheinung wahren Glücksempfindens."

Der einflussreichste Ratgeber meines Lebens. Barbara Sher hat es geschafft, dass ich mir wieder glaube, so jung zu sein wie ich mich fühle. Die Tür zu seinen ganz persönlichen Begabung ist immer offen, wenn man den Mut hat, hindurchzugehen, und damit aufhört, die Meinungen anderer lauter als die eigene Stimme zu hören. Diese Kur hat gewirkt!

[Carole · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is another book I read long ago, and did the exercises. I can't give particulars, I do remember it helped me when I was nearing 50 and needed to edit my life and obtain a better vision of what I needed to do, career wise. This is another book I can't part with even though I don't need to refer to it any longer.

[Dide · Rating 5 out of 5]

I bookmarked a lot in this book so certainly I will be rereading. It has so many nuggets of information and life experiences and many relatable situations...I nodded, considered, got inspired and felt surprised I reached the end so quickly.
I am curious to want to see other books that hopefully speak to me by this author.

[Granny Swithins · Rating 3 out of 5]

Felt very much that this was written for American Boomers, most of it just didn't resonate that much. It's much more about mindset rather than practicalities. If you're in the book's target audience, it'll be a great read, but if your situation is more out of whack it's of limited use, particularly if you're struggling financially.

[Anna K. Lindegren · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am glad I read this book in my 30es.

[Stephi K. · Rating 3 out of 5]

I like her ways of thinking about the second part of a person's life.

[Сусанна Барабанова · Rating 4 out of 5]

One of two best of her books.
Good read before sleep, soothing, wise, inspiring, not only for those who goes through the midlife crisis. And even for those who always knew it all)

[Dana Mitra · Rating 4 out of 5]

Author of many books. Her strength is the queries and exercise she gives. It's not a read me book it's a workbook to learn about yourself

[Lauren Klein · Rating 5 out of 5]

I reread this upon the recent death of Barbara Sher. RIP Barbara. This book had a major impact on my life. I read it after I was downsized and the title became my call to action.

[Billye · Rating 4 out of 5]

It’s Only Too Late If You Don’t Start Now is an insightful book that presents useful ideas in an easy, relatable format. I think there is valuable information here and at the same time, I do not agree with all of the author's advice or ideas. I mainly agree that the 'first life' is primarily focused on serving one's family and this often leads to the delay or death of one's early dreams. It is interesting and reassuring that the 'second life' presents an opportunity to revisit and pursue some of those lost dreams. The book provides a path and a method to help the reader to regain the lost dreams and act on them. My issues with the author's take are twofold. First, the author presents the very unhealthy and dangerous idea that people in their so-called second life should be totally unconcerned about their health and appearance. At any age, your body is the place where you dwell and you can and should take care of it by eating well, exercising, and grooming. These are not vain or desperate measures to maintain youth, they are essential components to health and well being. My second concern is that the entire book is aimed at the more privileged members of society. This is not intentional; however, because the clients mentioned in the success stories are privileged, their outcomes are exaggerated. Listing these exaggerated outcomes in turn has the unintended effect of making the reader feel even more hesitant to identify and act upon lost dreams. Part of this issue comes from the time that the book was written. At that time, there was little or no discussion about privilege and making vague references to biology and specific references to famous success stories were much more popular and respected. Overall, I would recommend this book as part of the journey to make dreams into actionable goals.

[Renee M · Rating 3 out of 5]

(Actually 3.5 stars.) Barbara Sher continues the conversation about finding the work (and life) which brings us joy; bringing it to the "second life" possible in our middle years. The tone is practical and the advice useful if the reader-of-a-certain-age is ready to move past the motivations of his/her earlier life stages to embrace the possibilities in rethinking goals and potentials for creating something rewarding and new.

I have not yet begun to employ the suggested activities, but having learned so much from reading/using Wishcraft nearly 30 years ago, I expect to achieve a similar focus and insight from this. Which is what I would expect for anyone who goes into Sher's books with a commitment to create a more rewarding future.

I'm just starting to think about what I want my life to look like in the next five years, and whether I'm ready to retire into a "second life" after nearly 30 years of teaching. I still love the teaching, but the pressures of the business give me less and less time to do that... Which is rather heart-breaking. So, before my heart actually breaks, it's time to figure out what my next steps should be in creating what I want next. I will probably revisit Wishcraft as I make my plans. It was a very powerful book.

[Andrew · Rating 4 out of 5]

This took a while to read because it was a little too real. I took one long halt when I hit the chapter on work, for example. The book was recommended to me by a good friend who had loved the book from long before she hit midlife—and I think it could be helpful reading (and rereading) at any age, just like the title promises. Very interesting to read a perspective on human purpose and identity from a very atheological standpoint—her spiritual anthropology is largely based on the premise that we are driven by biological imperatives and the downward slope to death that is midlife has a lot of potential liberatory power.

[Milka · Rating 3 out of 5]

Barbara Sher suggests you read this book if you feel you may be going through a midlife crisis but I think many people who feel their life needs a change will enjoy her book. Like a few of her other books I've read, she includes a lot (too many) real-life examples, which can be helpful if you need those, but can also make the book longer and make you lose track of her points. So if you need, skim through it as I did and read the parts that speak to you. There's definitely some valuable information in there.

[Barbara · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ein Zufall, dass ich dieses Buch genau im 40. Lebensjahr lese (stand im Regal einer Freundin), also bestes Timing. Barbara Sher schreibt direkt und gut lesbar, was sie zu sagen hat, und wie in I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was: How to Discover What You Really Want and How to Get It sind einige für mich brauchbare Impulse dabei. Ich mag ihren Stil und finde ihre Überlegungen hilfreich.

[Kasey]

Although somewhat date in terms of contextual references, this is a great book for redefining age--and living fully after 40. For Sher, this truly is "the time of your life," when you stop being the plaything of biology, and start living a life you define. Lots of exercises to make each chapters insights pertinent to the reader, with the usual Sher humor and warmth.