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Finding Shiva: An Inner Journey of the Performative Experience
What if I could imbibe my life with the clarity of thought, precision, control and simultaneous surrender that I am able to wield as a performer? Wouldn’t life change inexplicably for the better?
I, Rukmini Vijaykumar, wanted to work with a friend who could perhaps capture moments that I am completely unaware of during the performative experience. In 2020, Anup and Vivian joined me on tour and captured our journey during a series of Shivaratri performances. We created two books that describe this journey from two different the performer’s perspective and the viewer’s perspective. Finding Shiva is written from the performer’s perspective while Discovering Devi conveys the viewer’s perspective through a selection of photographs.
I refrain from saying “experiencer of dance”, as the one dancing and the audience both experience the dance, therefore this phrase does not distinguish one from the other.
I, Rukmini Vijaykumar, wanted to work with a friend who could perhaps capture moments that I am completely unaware of during the performative experience. In 2020, Anup and Vivian joined me on tour and captured our journey during a series of Shivaratri performances. We created two books that describe this journey from two different the performer’s perspective and the viewer’s perspective. Finding Shiva is written from the performer’s perspective while Discovering Devi conveys the viewer’s perspective through a selection of photographs.
I refrain from saying “experiencer of dance”, as the one dancing and the audience both experience the dance, therefore this phrase does not distinguish one from the other.
172 pages, Paperback
Published December 10, 2021
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Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews
September 13, 2022
Rukmini Vijayakumar is a choreographer, Bharatanatyam dancer, yoga practitioner, and actor. She runs dance academy also. She has fallen in love with Shiva repeatedly, while dancing 'padams' and 'varnams', embodying 'nayikas' and 'bhaktas' in love. She saw Shiva first through her dance and then began to understand Him slowly through the years. The writer thinks of Shiva as the one who brings resolution to a process, not as one who destroys. According to her, He appears at the end of a cyclical journey to take everything back, before that begins again. Rukmini has written, the book, Finding Shiva, from the performer’s perspective.
According to the Natyashastra, the purpose of every artistic work is meant to be the evocation of 'rasa' – the aesthetic experience of any art. 'Rasa', considered to be a divine experience, is supposed to mentally transport a person experiencing art from a realm of perceived dualities into one of unifying surrender. 'Rasa' can only be experienced when an artistic work – with depth, honesty, and an integrated process – relates to the viewer and elicits empathy. According to the accomplished dancer and writer, the mind needs to be focused with minimal external disturbances in order for the moment of surrender to occur, and there must be intimacy and camaraderie between the music, the musicians and the dance. Though there could be many external factors out of dancer’s control, internal factors like the dancer’s knowledge or grasp of technique, rhythm, musicality, physical precision, the lyrics, and the subject are all things that the dancer can studiously strive to have mastery over.
The writer spent waking hours of her 'sadhana' days traveling from one teacher to another, and realised with each passing day that her knowledge of dance, though seemingly extensive considering the years of practice, was very limited. Every dance discovery and unravelling of technique left her ravenous for more. The long practice hours were tiring but the youthful obsession kept her pushing through physical fatigues most days.
Though surrendering to dance parallels the act of falling asleep, according to the writer, there is a stark difference between the two types of surrender in terms of awareness. When in deep sleep people are completely unaware of themselves and their surroundings, but when dancing a heightened sense of awareness is necessary in order to surrender. Awareness during dance is something that she began to investigate and understand slowly. ‘Finding Shiva’ is her story of dedicated, rigorous, and layered training as a Bharatanatyam dancer and how see began to investigate and understand this awareness during dance slowly.
A Glossary has been provided at the end of the book which helps in understanding non-translatable Sanskrit words used in the book. This book is highly recommended for young dancers and dance-students so that they could imbibe their lives with the clarity of thought, precision, control, and simultaneous surrender as the writer has been able to wield as a performer. A brilliant piece of work.
According to the Natyashastra, the purpose of every artistic work is meant to be the evocation of 'rasa' – the aesthetic experience of any art. 'Rasa', considered to be a divine experience, is supposed to mentally transport a person experiencing art from a realm of perceived dualities into one of unifying surrender. 'Rasa' can only be experienced when an artistic work – with depth, honesty, and an integrated process – relates to the viewer and elicits empathy. According to the accomplished dancer and writer, the mind needs to be focused with minimal external disturbances in order for the moment of surrender to occur, and there must be intimacy and camaraderie between the music, the musicians and the dance. Though there could be many external factors out of dancer’s control, internal factors like the dancer’s knowledge or grasp of technique, rhythm, musicality, physical precision, the lyrics, and the subject are all things that the dancer can studiously strive to have mastery over.
The writer spent waking hours of her 'sadhana' days traveling from one teacher to another, and realised with each passing day that her knowledge of dance, though seemingly extensive considering the years of practice, was very limited. Every dance discovery and unravelling of technique left her ravenous for more. The long practice hours were tiring but the youthful obsession kept her pushing through physical fatigues most days.
Though surrendering to dance parallels the act of falling asleep, according to the writer, there is a stark difference between the two types of surrender in terms of awareness. When in deep sleep people are completely unaware of themselves and their surroundings, but when dancing a heightened sense of awareness is necessary in order to surrender. Awareness during dance is something that she began to investigate and understand slowly. ‘Finding Shiva’ is her story of dedicated, rigorous, and layered training as a Bharatanatyam dancer and how see began to investigate and understand this awareness during dance slowly.
A Glossary has been provided at the end of the book which helps in understanding non-translatable Sanskrit words used in the book. This book is highly recommended for young dancers and dance-students so that they could imbibe their lives with the clarity of thought, precision, control, and simultaneous surrender as the writer has been able to wield as a performer. A brilliant piece of work.
July 29, 2022
Finding Shiva is a beautiful autobiographical account of the author's journey as a Bharatnatyam dancer and the profound spiritual experiences she has along the way. The author, Rukmini Vijayakumar, is a Bharatnatyam dancer and teacher based in Bengaluru. Her devotion to dance also takes her on a sojourn to find Shiva, which she eventually does, through the art. The book begins with her fascination with the dancing Natraja form of Shiva right from childhood. We learn about the preparation that goes into becoming an adept classical dancer, which I believe also applies to any art form one wishes to master. The book also describes the author's interactions with her Guru Swami Dayanand Saraswati.
As the author immerses herself in her dance practice, many spiritual insights unfold for her. In one place, she illustrates that the success of her performance depends on her absence from it at a metaphysical level. She adds that one must let go of the sense of ownership during the dance. It is during these moments of surrender that the dance and dancer are set free. This author has lived and experienced the principles of Advaita through her dance, making the words even more powerful and authentic.
The book beautifully blends prose with poetry by the author. The prose, too, has a lyrical quality to it. The author, through her words, transports the reader to the Shivaratri festival in Tamil Nadu temples, where she performs yearly. The book describes the sights and sounds of the festival with perfection and beauty, a quality that the author in most certainty has imbibed from her dance practice.
Finding Shiva offers a good glimpse of the life and journey of a classical dancer. At the same time, it takes the reader on a more profound journey within and lets them find their truth.
As the author immerses herself in her dance practice, many spiritual insights unfold for her. In one place, she illustrates that the success of her performance depends on her absence from it at a metaphysical level. She adds that one must let go of the sense of ownership during the dance. It is during these moments of surrender that the dance and dancer are set free. This author has lived and experienced the principles of Advaita through her dance, making the words even more powerful and authentic.
The book beautifully blends prose with poetry by the author. The prose, too, has a lyrical quality to it. The author, through her words, transports the reader to the Shivaratri festival in Tamil Nadu temples, where she performs yearly. The book describes the sights and sounds of the festival with perfection and beauty, a quality that the author in most certainty has imbibed from her dance practice.
Finding Shiva offers a good glimpse of the life and journey of a classical dancer. At the same time, it takes the reader on a more profound journey within and lets them find their truth.
January 2, 2022
Impossible to pigeonhole the contents of this book into one category- part autography, part philosophy and wholly engaging, the author transports you into her mind's eye. I won't be exaggerating when I say this was a truly unique experience as I can't recollect having been in the protagonist's shoes with such clarity before. The visual detailing transports you and to the author's world with as much efficacy as the emotive qualities of this work. Hence, the reader is truly meant to feel one with the author. The depth and nuances of the performative experiences- both on and off stage are certainly to be achieved only by dancers of the author's calibre, but most people with some experience in performance, of any kind, are sure to relate.
What I enjoyed the most was the breakdown of what it means to be in this state of flow, drawing parallels between this and Vedantic philosophy. While performing, the dancer exists as an Observer- in an imagined reality that he/she is fully aware of, yet detached from as she can switch between different emotional states effortlessly and can no longer perceive herself as the "dancer" . Hence, she temporarily loses a sense of identity/ego and as a result, the misconceptions and burdens that come with it, cease to exist.
I also love how the narrative doesn't work chronologically, flitting between different timelines just as our memories jump around when we think about our own past. It is also rare to find books that articulate what an Indian classical dancer goes through, and since there are so many of us around, I think it's lovely to now have this book to serve as both a companion and an inspiration. The trials and tribulations of taking up dance as a profession in a society that doesn't seem to value it's place as a profession as much as it would a career in IT are immense and it takes great strength of character to be able to make it a success, let alone have the ability to articulate the experience, not just physically, but at emotional and philosophical depths.
I thoroughly enjoyed the rhythm and flow of not only the prose, but the poetry too. The authors words describe precisely how she moves while dancing and the ability to articulate these celestial movements in words only reflects her clarity of thought and precision in manifesting movement.
I'd recommend this read for everyone who seeks to dig a little deeper and learn more about themselves, in addition to the performative experience of an Indian classical dancer :)
What I enjoyed the most was the breakdown of what it means to be in this state of flow, drawing parallels between this and Vedantic philosophy. While performing, the dancer exists as an Observer- in an imagined reality that he/she is fully aware of, yet detached from as she can switch between different emotional states effortlessly and can no longer perceive herself as the "dancer" . Hence, she temporarily loses a sense of identity/ego and as a result, the misconceptions and burdens that come with it, cease to exist.
I also love how the narrative doesn't work chronologically, flitting between different timelines just as our memories jump around when we think about our own past. It is also rare to find books that articulate what an Indian classical dancer goes through, and since there are so many of us around, I think it's lovely to now have this book to serve as both a companion and an inspiration. The trials and tribulations of taking up dance as a profession in a society that doesn't seem to value it's place as a profession as much as it would a career in IT are immense and it takes great strength of character to be able to make it a success, let alone have the ability to articulate the experience, not just physically, but at emotional and philosophical depths.
I thoroughly enjoyed the rhythm and flow of not only the prose, but the poetry too. The authors words describe precisely how she moves while dancing and the ability to articulate these celestial movements in words only reflects her clarity of thought and precision in manifesting movement.
I'd recommend this read for everyone who seeks to dig a little deeper and learn more about themselves, in addition to the performative experience of an Indian classical dancer :)
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
July 28, 2022
It's refreshing to see a Bharatnatyam danseuse who is openly Dharmic with a deep reverence for Hindu Devatas . So many modern day practitioners of the dance form are 'woke ' and can only interpret the underlying philosophy behind the dance through a narrow ideological lens .Rukmini largely steers cleer of this 'skewered ' way of viewing Bharatnatyam and her reverence and Bhakti for Lord Shiva as well as her Advaitic understanding of the Cosmos shine throughout the prose .
While I wouldn't call this book an auto biography , the initial part of the books does slightly resemble one . The narrative simultaneously shifts between the past events and present I.e Rukmini recounting her life history and her current experiences while travelling through the temple towns of Tamil Nadu . For a first time author it's unexpectedly well written .
We learn of her longing to take up Bharatnatyam from an early age , the arduous hours of practise put in through her adolescent years , taking a break from it while pursuing her studies abroad in the United States before finally returning to embrace it full time as a profession . I'm describing it reductively for the sake of the review but the book details it extensively . Recounting not only her external experiences of taking exams , being tutored by her Gurus and being supported by her family but also her rich inner life . The latter in particular is volcanic with vivid descriptions of her intense emotional states through out all her life experiences outside of dance as well .
While narrating her various performative experiences the reader is introduced to variety of terms that are common knowledge to a Bharatnatyam practitioner .
This is most useful to those who have little knowledge of the dance form and it's terminologies (me included ).Each term is well explained and there even exists an excellent Glossary at the end with words from both Sanskrit and Tamil .
Many are often ignorant of the due diligence , discipline and determination required to excel at Bharatnatyam (or any creative discipline for that matter ) . This point is underlined through the many examples in the book from both her childhood and her performative experiences as an adult . One such comes to mind .
It's evening time and Rukmini is due to attend her daily Bharatnatyam class with her mother about to drop her off .
Before she leaves , she enviously watches her brother casually playing cricket without a care in the world . Why enviously though ? Simply Because she lacks that freedom of leisure that he enjoys not having to worry about being at a specific place at a specific time .She would rather miss her daily classes .
However her mother refuses to entertain any excuses and insists on her attending .Although Rukmini herself was the one who volunteered for classes in the first place her eagerness to learn has given way to a weariness . Multiple instructions and constant correcting by her Guru have sapped her of her initial enthusiasm. She still loves Bharatnatyam but not as intensely as at first . As a fellow creative I can sympathise with her younger self for not wanting to stick to practice on some days when there's little to no motivation . Yet over time I've come to learn that you simply have to persist with your practise regardless of whether you feel motivated /or are inspired . The pursuit of excellence comes only from continual practice , refinement and being willing to accept constructive critique . Over the years it seems that Rukmini too has learnt this lesson . Towards the end of the book we see her undergoing arduous preparation and enduring some degree of discomfort while performing to the lead up of Shivratri . She does it for the sheer joy of dance as she eloquently describes it
"
There will be times when my racing heart and fatigued body beg me to stop , as I pull through the last performance of the night , and times when discomfort and hunger are only dulled by the fullness of dance .There is no logic to the joy this madness brings , no specific reason as to why I repeat this experience every year , but I find myself on this journey again and again , even though I truly believe each time that it might be the last "
There is a chapter within the book that describes her interactions with Swami Dayananda Saraswati (to whom she also dedicates this book ). She looks upon him as a grandfather figure and continually learns of Vedantic teachings by listening to his discourses . His humour and spiritual wisdom throughout the lectures keep her continually engaged although she is honest enough to admit that she's still learning to grasp some of the subtle philosophic nuances. She reflects on the teachings throughout her life and has come to understand that knowledge of the Self is not so much as a "sudden ' epiphany or realisation as much as " understanding Ishwara requires consistent questioning of the nature of this world & mindful daily actions " ( pg 155 )
Across the entire book, pages are interspersed with both photographs and poetry . The photographs are pictures of her (often in the midst of a performance pose or with her hands folded in reverence ) . The cover image of her standing resembles a shadow of a side silhouette . It's a striking image and is well chosen . When it comes to the poetry my reaction is a little ....mixed . Some of what she has pened down is of stellar quality (particularly the poem on page 16 in praise of Lord Shiva ) . But others (especially towards the end of the book ) felt random and didn't feel connected to the narrative of the chapter they were included in . The book does lag at some parts where it feels like the author might be 'rambling ' These are of course minor quibbles since there's little else to criticize about the book .
For a long time I've longed to read of the experiences of an adept Bharatnatyam practitioner from A Dharmik lens . For a first time author it is unexpectedly well written and the Advaitic insights peppered across the book are only an added bonus .
The last chapter in particular 'Aware, Alive & Awakened ' is one I would like to re read at some point in the future. Highly recommended . Do get this book .
While I wouldn't call this book an auto biography , the initial part of the books does slightly resemble one . The narrative simultaneously shifts between the past events and present I.e Rukmini recounting her life history and her current experiences while travelling through the temple towns of Tamil Nadu . For a first time author it's unexpectedly well written .
We learn of her longing to take up Bharatnatyam from an early age , the arduous hours of practise put in through her adolescent years , taking a break from it while pursuing her studies abroad in the United States before finally returning to embrace it full time as a profession . I'm describing it reductively for the sake of the review but the book details it extensively . Recounting not only her external experiences of taking exams , being tutored by her Gurus and being supported by her family but also her rich inner life . The latter in particular is volcanic with vivid descriptions of her intense emotional states through out all her life experiences outside of dance as well .
While narrating her various performative experiences the reader is introduced to variety of terms that are common knowledge to a Bharatnatyam practitioner .
This is most useful to those who have little knowledge of the dance form and it's terminologies (me included ).Each term is well explained and there even exists an excellent Glossary at the end with words from both Sanskrit and Tamil .
Many are often ignorant of the due diligence , discipline and determination required to excel at Bharatnatyam (or any creative discipline for that matter ) . This point is underlined through the many examples in the book from both her childhood and her performative experiences as an adult . One such comes to mind .
It's evening time and Rukmini is due to attend her daily Bharatnatyam class with her mother about to drop her off .
Before she leaves , she enviously watches her brother casually playing cricket without a care in the world . Why enviously though ? Simply Because she lacks that freedom of leisure that he enjoys not having to worry about being at a specific place at a specific time .She would rather miss her daily classes .
However her mother refuses to entertain any excuses and insists on her attending .Although Rukmini herself was the one who volunteered for classes in the first place her eagerness to learn has given way to a weariness . Multiple instructions and constant correcting by her Guru have sapped her of her initial enthusiasm. She still loves Bharatnatyam but not as intensely as at first . As a fellow creative I can sympathise with her younger self for not wanting to stick to practice on some days when there's little to no motivation . Yet over time I've come to learn that you simply have to persist with your practise regardless of whether you feel motivated /or are inspired . The pursuit of excellence comes only from continual practice , refinement and being willing to accept constructive critique . Over the years it seems that Rukmini too has learnt this lesson . Towards the end of the book we see her undergoing arduous preparation and enduring some degree of discomfort while performing to the lead up of Shivratri . She does it for the sheer joy of dance as she eloquently describes it
"
There will be times when my racing heart and fatigued body beg me to stop , as I pull through the last performance of the night , and times when discomfort and hunger are only dulled by the fullness of dance .There is no logic to the joy this madness brings , no specific reason as to why I repeat this experience every year , but I find myself on this journey again and again , even though I truly believe each time that it might be the last "
There is a chapter within the book that describes her interactions with Swami Dayananda Saraswati (to whom she also dedicates this book ). She looks upon him as a grandfather figure and continually learns of Vedantic teachings by listening to his discourses . His humour and spiritual wisdom throughout the lectures keep her continually engaged although she is honest enough to admit that she's still learning to grasp some of the subtle philosophic nuances. She reflects on the teachings throughout her life and has come to understand that knowledge of the Self is not so much as a "sudden ' epiphany or realisation as much as " understanding Ishwara requires consistent questioning of the nature of this world & mindful daily actions " ( pg 155 )
Across the entire book, pages are interspersed with both photographs and poetry . The photographs are pictures of her (often in the midst of a performance pose or with her hands folded in reverence ) . The cover image of her standing resembles a shadow of a side silhouette . It's a striking image and is well chosen . When it comes to the poetry my reaction is a little ....mixed . Some of what she has pened down is of stellar quality (particularly the poem on page 16 in praise of Lord Shiva ) . But others (especially towards the end of the book ) felt random and didn't feel connected to the narrative of the chapter they were included in . The book does lag at some parts where it feels like the author might be 'rambling ' These are of course minor quibbles since there's little else to criticize about the book .
For a long time I've longed to read of the experiences of an adept Bharatnatyam practitioner from A Dharmik lens . For a first time author it is unexpectedly well written and the Advaitic insights peppered across the book are only an added bonus .
The last chapter in particular 'Aware, Alive & Awakened ' is one I would like to re read at some point in the future. Highly recommended . Do get this book .
December 17, 2022
This book outlines a passionate dancer's journey from the beginning to the present day. The book begins with her journey to different temples in Tamilnadu for Shivratri performance and interspersed within that journey are excerpts from her earlier years as a student of Bharatnatyam, how she gradually evolved as a dancer and came to love the art. I have seen this author's performance in very popular videos and i used to wonder how she does it so effortlessly! And i found the answer in the book- her hard work, dedication and passion that made her strive for hours on end starting practice at 4.30 am and learning under 3 dance gurus and a yoga teacher. And then practicing again at home. She has a very deep understanding of her artform and years of rigorous practice. That's probably what makes it look so effortless. Also interspersed in the narrative are beautiful short poems written by the author. I especially loved the ones in the last chapter! I liked her perspective on Ishwar and what it means to her.
December 30, 2022
Through the integration of journaling, Indian Darśana-s, and the performer's perspective, this book takes you on an enlightening journey.
Through the use of vivid imagery, you witness the author and every state she goes through while performing, and with the integration of Rasa and the Paurāṇika lore, you get to see a side of the Indian tradition manifest itself in the performer's domain, and see the rasa theory translated real time into the performative sphere, which every performer of any performing art will be able to connect to, and appreciate, while also realizing the deeper meanings that run beneath the aesthetics.
An enlightening, pleasing and an inspiring read, especially for a performing artist.
Through the use of vivid imagery, you witness the author and every state she goes through while performing, and with the integration of Rasa and the Paurāṇika lore, you get to see a side of the Indian tradition manifest itself in the performer's domain, and see the rasa theory translated real time into the performative sphere, which every performer of any performing art will be able to connect to, and appreciate, while also realizing the deeper meanings that run beneath the aesthetics.
An enlightening, pleasing and an inspiring read, especially for a performing artist.
November 8, 2022
Rukmini was one of the artists I discovered during lockdown. I recently went to one of her performances, and was mesmerized by the experience. The lights dimmed and a hush fell over the auditorium, and it felt like everything else ceased to exist. As I was leaving that evening, I noticed this book kept on the counter outside. I was curious and decided to give it a read. The book is a mix of memoir and deep instrospection, and I found both equally insightful. The idea of being fully involved without being attached is something she stresses on as one of the most important aspects of performance, and I think that applies to life too. Nice read!
February 22, 2023
The book is a collection of personal anecdotes that offer unique perspectives and knowledge pieces on different areas occupying the world of dance. While the content may be of interest to dancers, it is also accessible and engaging for a wider audience.
April 3, 2023
Goosebumps! It’s the first thing that comes to mind when I think of what my reaction as I read it. The poems here and there simply added to the narrative. Seems like she writes like she performs! Loved it!!
May 9, 2025
Filled me with a strange sense of fulfillment despite not knowing the first thing about Bharatnatyam. Emphasized the importance of taking one's art/craft seriously, not in a militaristic way but through surrender and absolute flow. Definitely cherished it.
January 7, 2023
Honest, insightful and deeply touching. I am mesmerised by Rukmini's dancing and glad this book showed glimpses of the thought process and truth of the art form from a performer's perspective.
October 16, 2023
Amazing book, talks about her journey in dance as well as in the spiritual path.
I was there, I was her, I was dance, and yet not at all.
I was there, I was her, I was dance, and yet not at all.
December 8, 2022
It is a beautiful biography with 13 chapters, each chapter revealing the self awareness towards the dance and God, finding oneself to be aware, alive, and awakened from the sub-conscious mind.
The book deals with the finding of God through the dance form and finding one's identity. The author uses the dance form of art to attain her purity of soul, bliss in dance and connect to the Lord Nataraja.
I was engrossed while reading the experiences of the author to find herself in such a mesmerising way. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it .It will be very good experience to understand the way we are perceived. I recommend this book for the one who is in love with dance and awakening spiritually.
The book deals with the finding of God through the dance form and finding one's identity. The author uses the dance form of art to attain her purity of soul, bliss in dance and connect to the Lord Nataraja.
I was engrossed while reading the experiences of the author to find herself in such a mesmerising way. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it .It will be very good experience to understand the way we are perceived. I recommend this book for the one who is in love with dance and awakening spiritually.
Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews