Raising Real Men: Surviving, Teaching and Appreciating Boys

by Hal Young, Melanie Young

"Six boys!" folks say in mock horror, "Well, better you than me." We answer them cheerfully - we love our boys and they're a gift from God...a reward. Privately, though, we admit to ourselves it's not always rosy. Teenaged boys put away a startling amount of groceries. Young boys can be downright destructive. They're noisy, unconcerned with personal hygiene, and the dog has a longer attention span - or so it seems, some days. If this is God's chosen gift to us, then why does it seem so hard? How can we prepare these boys to serve God when we can barely make it through the day. Isn't there a better way? The answer is yes. Raising Real Men looks beyond the untied shoes and dirty jeans to what the Lord means your son to be. Learn how to help him focus on schoolwork, find real heroes, stand alone when he needs to, and become a real man one day. Don t just survive raising boys, succeed at it and learn how to love them as they really are.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Faith, Christian, Christian Living, Family

256 pages, Paperback

First published January 29, 2010

Reviews

[Melanie Young · Rating 5 out of 5]

We wrote it, so I'll have to give it five stars :-)

[Havebooks Willread · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was pleasantly surprised by Raising Real Men by Hal and Melanie Young. I've owned the book for almost two years, but just never felt like reading it. I've read so many books about raising boys in the last 17ish years, and couldn't seem to get excited about reading another one.

But I actually think this is one of the better books about rearing boys that I've found. It's easy to read, the writing is conversational in style, and they address both practical and philosophical points. One of my favorite chapters was entitled "Who's in Charge Here" and was about leadership. It highlighted both the struggles young men have with submitting to authority and the need for them to rise to servant leadership in a way that they can "carry the burden of leadership without creating a dictatorship of 'me'" (98) and I think I'm going to have Destry read this chapter.

As a believer in everyone pitching in to make the household run, I especially liked their admonition that "every job in the Air Force was meant to support the larger purpose" (191), so it isn't just Mom and the girls' job to take care of housework. They further supported their point with I Samuel 30:24 and say "any service that advances the family's mission is worthwhile and needs to be valued" (192). I think this is especially relevant as I've seen some families so concerned with making their boys be "men" that they relegate all household maintenance to the women and end up with lazy, inconsiderate slobs.

Now as my firstborn son approaches independent manhood (he'll be 18 in just four short months), I really got a lot out of the last couple chapters about launching arrows. "This is why we work to raise real men. There is a time to protect our sons and a time for them to start protecting others. There is a time to teach and disciple and control the influences our sons face, then there is a time for them to instruct others and to meet those influences and conquer them" (230). We're in this season.

I was convicted by Hal's admonition to Melanie "If you don't have time for devotions, you don't have time for school" (132) as I have been remiss this year in putting our Bible study time after academic studies. I need to get my priorities back into shape.

A couple other quotes I liked:

"If he hasn't faced the trial yet, or he's in the midst of it--encourage him. If he's been to the wars and is limping home wounded--comfort him. Once the wounds are bound up, encourage him to rise and face the fight again" (54).

"God made men to be warriors, some with sword, some with the pen, all with the will to resist temptation and strive for righteousness" (78).

[Stephanie · Rating 2 out of 5]

I wouldn't recommend wasting your time on this one, #boymom's. It truly reads as one family's perspective on raising boys with small universal nuggets of insight scattered here and there. But you'll have to filter through quite a lot to find those. As far as research goes, it's very light.

It also takes some rather concerning liberties. For example, one chapter describes the family playing at a park and noticing a mother and her sons having a picnic. They are shocked to observe that the picnicking boys were "sitting like girls," and this story is used as an example of a mother unintentionally "feminizing" her sons. This is just one example of the book not being based on research, and clearly formed by the author's cultural perspective.

There are also parts of the book that use "shaming" to shape behavior. A portion sticks out where the author is bathing her son and explains to him that it's important not to linger on his privates while washing. She tells him, basically, that lingering too long while washing would be sinning. And then follows it with, "You don't want to sin against God, do you?" I see the underlying principle here, but no...this is not a healthy way to handle the conversation about how God made our bodies and the limits therein. Poor kid is going to be afraid of soap, thinking a big mean God is up there counting the seconds while he scrubs!

That said, the authors come across as a bit... naive. I wanted so badly to love this book and champion their work. I appreciate the effort! There were moments that I laughed, and empathized. But as stated, there are landmines. Also, the title made me believe that there would be more pages attributed to TEACHING boys--but only about 20 out of 243 pages are dedicated to actual home education.

My advice is: save your time and skip this one!

[Patty Betts · Rating 5 out of 5]

Superb read for mothers with little boys!! I had my two daughters first, then came my sweet boys. This book was a comfort and an encouragement for my teaching, nurturing and everyday moments of raising my sons to become godly men! I really needed this book and I am very grateful for the Young family sharing what God has showed them as they raised their little boys into godly men!

[Nicolette Feltman · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good practical read!

[Steve Blackston · Rating 5 out of 5]

In 2012 my wife got this book for me and it made me wake up and pay a bit more atten­tion to how I was rais­ing my sons and what I wanted them to become, real men. The authors Hal & Melanie Young go through dif­fer­ent exam­ples of real men through­out his­tory. They show you how to look beyond the worldly view of your son and see the view of what God wants your son to be. Real sto­ries of how young sons became heroes and how their life was changed at an early age. It gives you ways to help your son be able to stand on their own when the time comes, ways that will improve your son’s learn­ing abil­ity and why it is impor­tant to build a work ethic. This book will chal­lenge you to release your child to his dan­ger side to climb tall trees, jump ditches and test the lim­its of being brave. One of the thoughts through the book is bib­li­cal responsibility.

Luke 16:10
Who­ever is faith­ful in very lit­tle is also faith­ful in much,…

From com­pe­ti­tion to finances to doing “woman’s work”, it’s all in here and how it relates to your sons. Don’t just sur­vive rais­ing boys, suc­ceed at it and learn how to love them as they really are.

No mat­ter how much moth­ers and sons may be alike, they are likely to be very dif­fer­ent in some impor­tant ways that will really impact their home­school­ing together. (p. 153)

Our focus must be on lead­ing our sons into godly man­hood, not just try­ing to man­age them to make our lives con­ve­nient and more pleas­ant. (p. 25)

Some folks would feel sorry for the poor kids giv­ing up their free time to work, deny­ing them­selves all the fun they could have had with that money. Some­how, it’s doubt­ful Christ would share that per­spec­tive. (p. 122)

We need to be care­ful of think­ing or say­ing that a deci­sion is prob­a­bly right because that’s the way it’s always been, or that’s the way we were raised, or the way our par­ents did it. We’re called to live lives that are holy, set apart from the world’s expec­ta­tions, so we have to ques­tion things more than our neighbor.(p. 189)

So I chal­lenge you to read this book and get your­self ready to start “Rais­ing Real Men”

[Megan Troxell · Rating 2 out of 5]

I think there may be some valid points in this book but I could not get over the judgmental tone of it throughout. It seemed to be a pattern to comment on something the authors observed in culture and to follow it up with a phrase like "No thank you!" or "How pathetic." It also seemed to be all about their family and didn't have many examples of other families who were living similar ways of life to them (at least in the first 60 pages of the book that I read). I just can't read a book that's so critical of culture. I need something that is more positive towards counter culture (likely achieving the same result but in a more positive way).

[Anna Mussmann · Rating 3 out of 5]

I didn’t agree with everything in this book, but reading it was like hanging out with a fellow-homeschool family with some worthwhile ideas to share. For me the biggest takeaway was the encouragement to embrace the idea that in raising boys one should be consciously and deliberately thinking about molding good, honorable men--not just good people.

[Teya Miller · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book! We have three awesome boys, and I'm glad I read this book while they're still rather young.

[Laura Lane · Rating 3 out of 5]

If only I'd known... boys really will be boys... they have to be. How else will they become men? I have learned so much reading this book. It's really okay for Michael to play rough. It's really okay to be fascinated with guns and hunting and fishing and other icky stuff. I thought I was doing great as a boy
mom. I could handle the snakes and lizards and toads and frogs... in their happy hands in the house! But, so much of the boy stuff just seemed so so so unkind and harsh. Wrestling, fighting, bossing his sisters and me, I just cringed. Now I realize that these behaviors are not only normal, they are good for boys when channeled properly. So many of the things that my boys have done that have iritated me aren't just annoying habits, they're normal boy habits. Boys think differently, learn differently, act differently than their sisters and mother. They are not being bad or suffering from attention deficit disorder. It's just how their bodies are wired. They are wired for movement, action, focus. Girls are wired to be relational. Boys are about action. Girls are about feeling.

So, what good is all this? First of all, I feel better about my boys. Second, Hal and Melanie Young have given me a lot of practical advice on how I can not only understand and tolerate (smile) my sons, but how I can help them to become godly men. Topics covered include helping your son find good heroes, adventure and recklessness, responsibility, weapons and violence, leadership and obedience, competition, doing real things, teaching them diligently, handling money, teaching your boys, manners, work roles, love and war, becoming a man, and many other related topics. This is the best book about raising sons that I have ever read. Many books come and go in my house. This one is here to stay for a long long time... at least until both my boys are men.

I received this from Timberdoodle for review.

[Jaclyn Knight · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is very good at applying Scripture to raising boys & also helping you to understand how to frame your speech & interactions for raising boys. As a woman who grew up with only a sister I found this especially helpful & unlike other books I’ve read. For instance saying “Your soldiers are waiting for orders” referring to the washing machine or dish washer to make the task man appropriate. This book is written from a very conservative homeschooling perspective so if that isn’t your reality you may have some trouble identifying with that perspective at times.

[Lindsey Stomberg · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a must read book whether you have one or many sons. It is obvious that Hal and Melanie know what they are talking about it when it comes to raising boys. The information spans from raising little boys to mentoring young men. I found their wisdom very helpful. This is not a dry parenting guide either. The way it is written is very relatable like you are sitting down to a cup of coffee to talk with a friend. I really appreciated this resource and will recommend it heartily to friends.

[Jenny Hartfelder · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book had been long in the finishing, but I found it generally helpful. Some of the examples seemed very limited in application though. (Very unique opportunities from their own family set up as examples for others to attempt to follow.) Overall though, it had some good ideas for helping grow boys into men of character. May God help us in that task.

[Kasey Werner · Rating 5 out of 5]

I got Hal & Melanie’s book after hearing them speak at a local homeschool conference! They have such wisdom and practical, Biblical advice for raising boys. So thankful for this book! I’m sure I will come back to it over and over. I also love, love their podcast - Making Biblical Family Life Practical!

[Abbi]

I’ve been a reader of Hal and Melanie’s blog and social media for years and heard them speak at a homeschool convention years ago! This book covers thoroughly much of what I have read from them in the past. So great to learn from veteran parents who are farther down the path than we are!

[Bryan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good book with some insights on boys vs girls, but not what I was expecting. Very much a Bible based lesson book on raising boys, which wasn’t what I was looking for. While I did like some of the tips, most of it was common sense.

[Abigail Westbrook · Rating 4 out of 5]

I appreciate Hal and Melanie’s conservative but very balanced approach to raising boys. Their years of experience shows them to be well-qualified, and this book is full of very practical guidelines for handling all sorts of things related to raising boys, especially in the teenage years.

[Whitney Frasier · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not groundbreaking or anything. It was a good book about raising boys in a Christian home. You will have things you agree with and things you’re like ummmm no. Overall it was good and I’d recommend you Christian boy moms but with the caveat that I don’t agree with 100% of the things.

[Christia Colquitt · Rating 5 out of 5]

I needed this reminder. Just this week my boys were driving me crazy. This book gave me purpose and helped get me back on the path to Raising Real Men.

[Shauna Spriensma · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great resource! I didn't agree with every single thing in this book, but it has a lot of really solid ideas.

[Ivan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Practical and encouraging, even when I don’t always agree with some of the applications.

[Dwain Minor · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a very good and practical book on the topic of raising boys from a couple who has done a lot of that. I greatly appreciated their insight.

[Stefanie Clark · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such awesome truth and biblical references to back it up. I learned so much and will be implementing it in my own small family.

[Evelyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Growing up as I did, with two younger sisters and no brothers, boys have always been somewhat of a mystery to me. I am not confident enough to say with Miss Pole from Cranford, “My father was a man; I think I know the sex.” Being a mother of a boy for eight years has taught me a lot, but I don’t like the idea of figuring everything out after the fact when it’s too late for the oldest son. So yes, I read parenting books. Lots of them. And my oldest boy is always the one who inspires me to read more of them.

I’ll give the biggest caveat of any parenting book first. Take what works and don’t worry about the rest. If you get a few good ideas that work wonders in your own home, then the book was worth it. I agreed with most of what the authors said in this one, but not everything.

This one is very Christian-based. This book has a specific view-point which I found quite helpful. They talk about the role of men as leaders, heads of households, soldiers, physical laborers, and the like. (Yes, girls can and do follow those roles as well, but we’re just focusing on boys here.) They argue that boys have been given God-given traits to help them in these roles, but in childhood and adolescence (and in adulthood as well if they are not trained otherwise) those traits manifest themselves as arrogant, reckless, noisy, destructive, aggressive, defiant, violent, unbounded energy. It takes training and effort (on both the parents’ and the child’s parts) to turn those into the leadership skills, courage, and strength (both physical and otherwise) that the man will need to fulfill his various responsibilities in life.

A few ideas I particularly liked: Give boys the opportunity to take ‘risks’. No, don’t let them play in the busy street, but allow them to do things that make them feel strong, responsible, daring, and adventurous.

I love the idea of using history and literature to find good heroes rather than sports and popular entertainment. (They specifically mentioned William Wilberforce in a list of historical heroes!) And I only read the first few pages of the chapter on toy guns and swords because they were basically reiterating what I already thought. (Boys should be allowed to play with toy weapons, but also taught to respect and handle them properly to train them for the real thing.)

I liked the chapter called ‘Who’s in charge here?’ They talked about how to begin developing leadership traits by giving responsibility and emphasising that future leaders must ‘pay their due’. In other words, they must learn to obey before they can lead. Most great leaders, generals, etc. in history paid their dues by working as clerks, soldiers in the infantry, and what have you, and they learned many skills in these positions that helped them later on. But as parents, we also can help them learn to be leaders by letting them take charge in certain situations, giving them more and more control as they show they are ready for it.

They covered manners and hygene; striking the proper balance between being a smelly, burping slob wearing five-day-old underwear and being a magazine cover fop with his hair just so. They covered sex education, and how to help young men deal with temptation, and they ended with a chapter on how to help young men prepare for college life, marriage, and adulthood in general.

There were too many helpful pointers in this book to really go through them all. I am glad I read it, and I would recommend it to any moms out there who want to be better equipped to understand and raise their sons to be strong, upstanding, virtuous men.

[Mandy J. Hoffman · Rating 5 out of 5]

Biblical, amazing, real, fresh, practical, helpful, encouraging...

These are just a few of the words I would use to describe this newly released book for parents of boys.

Raising Real Men is written by Hal and Melanie Young who are parents of 8 children, the oldest 6 being boys. The daunting task of raising little boys into God-fearing men is more of an exciting adventure than a frustrating duty as shown in the pages of this book.

Hal and Melanie talk about the difference between boys and girls and give practical tips of how parents, Moms in particular, can raise boys to be strong and real men with out going crazy through the process. They address such issues as: boys and their play, the need for good heroes, when to comfort and when to encourage boys, responsibility and freedom, guns and weapons, obedience and authority, healthy competition, manners, finances, education and college, and the topic we like to avoid and blushingly call "the birds and the bees".

All the issues and topics in this book are approached with a Biblical mindset and their thoughts and convictions are well written out and shared with the reader in a kind and friend-to-friend manner. While Raising Real Men is also written from the view of a homeschooling family, I found all the concepts still applicable to those of us not homeschooling our children and those of us with smaller families or fewer boys. I know that not everyone who reads this book will agree with all of what the Youngs share, but I do think it is a book well worth any parent's time due to the thoughtful and thorough nature of the contents.

I personally give this book 5 stars, not because it is the most well written book I have ever read, but because it is one of the very few Biblical, honest, and refreshing parenting books I have ever read. While Hal and Melanie share openly about where they stand, they do not come across as forcing their beliefs down the throats of their readers nor do they overdose on tips and how-to's that can differ so much from family to family. Instead, I felt as if I were sitting in their living room, chatting with them as a couple about the journey of parenting boys.

My book is well highlighted, underlined, starred, and dog-eared. I appreciated much about each chapter, but my favorite chapter was titled "Love and War". In this chapter the did a tremendous job of talking about raising boys to be pure - from birth to marriage. They handled this topic with such dignity and respect all the while being open and honest. I was impressed with their approach in teaching their boys about the differences between boys and girls and how to handle specific situations dealing with this general subject.

As a parent of three children, wife of a pastor, and an avid reader and learner, I want to encourage all parents to read this book. Even if your husband won't read it, I still highly suggest mothers read it to get a better understanding on boys in general that Hal and Melanie so wonderfully explain. And if you happen to be a homeschooling parent, I recommend this book to you even more highly!

* * * * *

I want to thank Hal & Melanie Young for the copies to review and giveaway.

[Danette · Rating 3 out of 5]

A great encouragement to parents of boys. As the title states, we are raising men. Let's raise them to be real, Godly men.
A parenting book.

[Madonna · Rating 4 out of 5]

Raising Real Men: Surviving, Teaching and Appreciating Boys is a very practical guide for parents of boys written by a pair of “experts.” Authors Hal and Melanie Young boast a family of six boys and two girls. They admit that experience is their single greatest qualification and they draw on many personal stories throughout this book to illustrate their points.

This book covers a wide range of topics and the challenges parents face. The subjects include:

The importance of heroes in a boy's life (including his father and Christ),
preparing your son for independence,
developing leadership qualities in your son,
cultivating an environment for learning at home,
skills for managing money,
the appropriate use of competition,
encouraging your son to use proper manners,
and how to launch your son from the home ready to succeed.

Plus(es):

Style – Raising Real Men reads like a conversation overheard in the Young's' living room. The writing is very conversational and fast paced. Their advice is for both fathers and mothers and for parents of young boys and young men alike.

Here's a quote that I appreciated. When addressing the thought of allowing their sons to take risks and pursue adventure and how to handle the jitters the Youngs offered this advice:

"It may be that mothers have a hard time discerning between when sons need comforting and when they need bucking up. Here's a rule of thumb: If he hasn't faced the trial yet, or he's in the midst of it — encourage him. If he's been to the wars and is limping home wounded — comfort him. Once the wounds are bound up, encourage him to rise and face the fight again."

Tone – I greatly appreciated the Youngs' tone throughout the book. They are equally humble and helpful, avoiding the trap of sounding preachy or pious. They also do a great job of giving practical advice while offering some guiding principles. But maybe what I appreciated the most is the frequent and thoughtful use of scripture to support their approach to parenting.

Overall, I strongly recommend this book to any mother and father raising boys. It has challenged me to think about some things differently and will serve as a guide for my husband and I for years to come.

[Lexi Zuo · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book! It provides many helpful insights for mamas on how to encourage our sons to grow into REAL men. Definitely recommend this for anyone with sons.

[Renee · Rating 5 out of 5]

An informative read, made completely enjoyable by the authors' humor, candor, and the Southerner's gift for turning a phrase. Having hosted the Young family, including their 4 youngest sons and 2 daughters, I can attest to the fact that their children are as polite, well-spoken, and boisterous as this book claims. My 5 year-old son has never enjoyed overnight guests more!
I appreciate all the wisdom and experience they've packed into the chapters, but I would spread it more equally across both genders. Plenty of girls (my younger self included) would also benefit from their advice on raising children who thrive on competition, have energy to burn, and need to be raised to be a strong advocate for their own beliefs sooner than our culture generally assumes. On the other hand, it's refreshing to read a parenting book that addresses the differences in the sexes that do generally hold true. For example, they specifically address the male brain's ability to completely focus on a task at hand...no matter what mom's saying 2 feet away. Their statement that this is simply a trait of the boy's brain (as well as his father's!), not a deliberate act of disobedience or sin, and the need to treat the behavior with grace accordingly, was a palm-to-forehead moment for me.
As a pacifist, I was especially appreciative of their nod to my convictions following the discussion of boys and weapons, as well as a later chapter's honest discussion of military life and the challenges it may present any Christian.

[Tammy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was such a blessing to me! It is filled with tons of advice for raising young men. Sometimes I feel so lost, and I appreciate the advice within this book. The advice concerning guns and heroes was especially useful in my current stage of parenting.

There's advice from childhood all the way to college. A great deal of the book doesn't apply to me right now, but I know I have this book to turn to when that time comes. Of course, I don't share all the same opinions and beliefs as the authors, but there was still plenty to gain from reading it.

This book is written with homeschooling moms in mind. I officially started homeschooling Grasshopper last month, so I'm glad I got to read it at the start of our journey.

This is an excellent book for homeschooling moms of boys! I don't hesitate to recommend it. I'm looking forward to listening to some of audios the Youngs have recorded!