Growing Up in Public: Coming of Age in a Digital World

by Devorah Heitner

The definitive book on helping kids navigate growing up in a world where nearly every moment of their lives can be shared and compared

NATIONAL BESTSELLER
With social media and constant connection, the boundaries of privacy are stretched thin. Growing Up in Public shows parents how to help tweens and teens navigate boundaries, identity, privacy, and reputation in their digital world.
We can track our kids’ every move with apps, see their grades within minutes of being posted, and fixate on their digital footprint, anxious that a misstep could cause them to be “canceled” or even jeopardize their admission to college. And all of this adds pressure on kids who are coming of age immersed in social media platforms that emphasize “personal brand,” “likes,” and “gotcha” moments. How can they figure out who they really are with zero privacy and constant judgment? Devorah Heitner shows us that by focusing on character, not the threat of getting caught or exposed, we can support our kids to be authentically themselves.
Drawing on her extensive work with parents and schools as well as hundreds of interviews with kids, parents, educators, clinicians, and scholars, Heitner offers strategies for parenting our kids in an always-connected world. With relatable stories and research-backed advice, Growing Up in Public empowers parents to cut through the overwhelm to connect with their kids, recognize how to support them, and help them figure out who they are when everyone is watching.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Technology, Audiobook, Family, Self Help, Education

304 pages, Hardcover

Published September 12, 2023

About the author

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Dr. Devorah Heitner is the author of Screenwise: Helping Kids Thrive (and Survive) in Their Digital World and her book on navigating privacy and reputation with kids and teens, Growing Up in Public will be out Septmber with Penguin Random House.

Dr. Heitner’s work has appeared in the New York Times, The Washington Post, The Wall Street Journal, and CNN Opinion. She has a Ph.D. in Media/Technology & Society from Northwestern University and has taught at DePaul and Northwestern. She is delighted to be raising her own teenager and she lives with her family in Chicagoland. You can follow her on Twitter @Devorahheitner and on Instagram @devorahheitnerphd.

Reviews

[Champion Dahlia · Rating 2 out of 5]

Wow, I have polarized feelings about this book. On one hand, I appreciated the non-fear-mongering approach to digital tools and call to action for parents to look at their own digital habits and set a strong example. The appeal to create healthy boundaries and strive to foster virtue and self-efficacy in ourselves and our kids is great. However, the laissez-faire approach to some very serious topics and lack of objective data was really disappointing. Overall I would give this book 2.5 stars. The reason I bumped it up rather than down on the rating is that there were some pearls that will truly help inform decisions we make as a family regarding how we engage digital resources, but there was enough chaff that I won’t be recommending it to anyone.

Edit: it’s been two months and I’m back to drop this down to two stars. The thing I keep coming back to is my distaste for what felt like a lot of pandering to modern sentiment and anecdotes rather than real information, and honestly, the very loose addressing of serious topics like teenage sexting. This woman has a wide platform and teaches at schools, her take on things seems shockingly cavalier. Possessing images of minors (even if you are the minor, and created the image yourself) is a felony for a reason. There are certain things that we should collectively as a society be protecting children from, but it gets treated in the same vein as being sensitive of posting about college acceptance. I decided rounding down to 2 is a more real representation than 3 stars.

[Farrah · Rating 3 out of 5]

I felt like this was pretty basic. Maybe good for parents who are new to digital tech and haven't considered most of this before? I found myself skimming a lot of it. Here are the parts I found interesting. I'm conflicted about her saying parents should monitor kids tech. I don't necessarily agree with everything she says on that front, but I thought her commentary was worth capturing. Maybe you start off by saying, "I trust you until you lose my trust," vs. monitoring from the start? I'm really not sure though because kids and teens can be exposed to a lot and some issues are much harder to unwind after the fact than taking down a silly social media post...I'm sure tons of research will come out in 20 years and tell us all that whatever we did was wrong. : )

"Mentoring is better than monitoring if we want to set our kids up for success. We want our kids to make good decisions, even when we are not right there. I emphasize, “We want to teach kids to do the right thing, not catch them doing the wrong thing.”

“Before you start reading all of their texts, ask yourselves what you are looking for,” I advised. “Can you withstand living through middle school again by getting a play-by-play of each interaction your child encounters? If you plan to monitor their phone covertly, what will you do if you see something concerning?

Parents who limit or avoid tracking and monitoring their teenagers often find that the kids’ awareness that their parents trust them enough to not surveil is sufficient to foster two-way trust: “I know you can surveil me, but I appreciate that you don’t, so I will honor your trust by not doing things we’ve agreed I’m not supposed to.”

Surveillance only gives us one parenting tool: catching them in the act after they’ve done whatever it is we don’t want them to do. It doesn’t give us the chance to mentor and guide them, or to help them develop good judgment and make safe choices before they make a mistake and get caught.

We never want our kids to be so afraid of getting in trouble or of being humiliated that they keep secrets—that make them even more vulnerable to exploitation.

Planning for independence in college:

Establish whether it is fair to make getting good grades at school or not skipping classes a condition of paying tuition.

Knowing important information: Many students still text parents for their social security numbers. Your college students will need this number and need to keep it private, so texting you for it is less ideal. Before they leave home, think about helping them set up a folder for important documents and numbers. If they keep it on the computer, it can be password protected and even encrypted. Managing their own finances: Many undergrads have parents deeply involved in their financial lives (beyond paying tuition). Parents are holding passwords for banking, for example. They are helping students set up accounts.

Communication skills: Does your teen know how to answer an email or send one seeking information in a polite way? Could they reach out to a department head to ask for a meeting? Do they know how and under what circumstances to email a teacher or professor? Can they leave an appropriate voicemail? Have they set up the voicemail on their phone?

Problem-solving: Do they know how to ask for help or to make use of help that is available? Do they know how to research the help they need, like where to start if they need tutoring and office hours?

[Alanah · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a really important read for all parents, especially as our kids grow up in a world with increasing surveillance. It was challenging and thought-provoking.

[Andrea Martineau · Rating 5 out of 5]

#RecentlyRead

Growing Up in Public: Coming of Age in a Digital World by @devorahheitnerphd

I would classify this as a must-read for anyone raising kids in this social media age. Even as a younger parent who partially grew up with many of the social media platforms our kids are still using today, there are so many grey areas and concerning areas I stress about when it comes to how our kids use social media, how we help them navigate it, and how much we share of our children on our own social media pages.

I like that Devorah references the stats and lays down the facts, but with none of the fear-mongering (I accidentally typed that word as "fear-momgering" at first - I guess that's technically not wrong either!). You know what I'm talking about, those clickbaity articles or news clips that include a scary stat about the damage social media does to kids, that gets parents are worked up and immediately trying to track and monitor every inch of their kid's life. Devorah explores that urge to track, monitor, and micromanage, and puts forth a solid argument as to why those tactics can utterly destroy your relationship with your child.

The book overall circles back to helping kids develop their character and conscience, and preparing them from a young age to be able to think critically about their online actions and become independent, functional adults.

I felt reassured by this book and also felt like I had left with more knowledge and plenty of discussion tools to hopefully better prepare my kiddo for their own online obstacles.

Growing up sucks, and growing up with social media sucks even more, but we can give our kids the tools they need to make it through and give them a trusting place to land when they do need extra support.

#SocialMediaSavvy #ParentingBooks #ParentingAndTech

[Charles Reed · Rating 1 out of 5]

0%

The biggest Pro to this book is a practice in tolerance, I might be able to tolerate listening to anything after going through this entire story.

Talking about false narratives here, the author is completely crafted one and she doesn't rely on rigorous scientific data that we have before us, incredible.

This book talks about psychological tiptoeing, over people, with a large prevalence to the idea of paranoia from Big Brother watching.

Coming from such a, radical left viewpoint, the author is blatantly obtuse to her writings being extremely opinionated and damaging to Mental Health and the upbringing of children, as this writing directly opposes all of our current thoughts and studies on children's mental health and development.

The others weirdly trusting children, when she talks about the fact that children fuck up, and just says Hey roll with it, well some of us actually are prepping our children to go to Ivy League colleges and get full rides.

The author's viewpoints of social media completely are in conflict with what we have studied and know about the addictiveness and cognitive damage that is applied from Modern social media which is very well documented, much more successful writers than her will not go on to social media in fact because of the cognitive impairment that is a part of the package.

So while trying to combine her desire for people to stay private and to stay on social media she comes off making a weirdly hypocritical statement that leaves a lot of confusion on her actual Viewpoint here, I'm trying to advocate for a hard left and hard right approach is insane.

The author is clearly obsessed with personal opinion and mentally unhealthy, this is not a book that you should be reading for advice.

[Stephanie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Really 1.5.

There are some good parts in here about privacy, parents talking about their kids online, grade management, and the way schools handle behavior issues. However, it is almost overwhelmed by the absolute permissiveness the author recommends tweens and teens are given. There's a whole chapter on how sexting is going to happen so teach your kids to do it right. Um, excuse me? There are also a few other things regarding not checking up on kids' social media, life360, etc that set off some alarm bells.

The book essentially contradicts everything peer reviewed research is telling us about kids and technology. None of her sources are peer reviewed. It's a lot of quotes from her friends and anecdotal evidence.

I want so badly to recommend this book, but I don't. There has to be better books out there on this topic.

[Chelsea · Rating 5 out of 5]

Anyone who loves a child should read this book.

[Lizzie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I quickly learned this book was not targeted at me (Gen Z looking to read more into online safety for kids) and instead it’s more of a survey of issues kids may face for parents to use as a guide. That being said, each chapter gave some nuggets of good info but I feel like the first half could EASILY be much much longer and way more expanded on (should I write a book?)

[Laura Maxwell-Scott · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was an informative read and while a lot of the book is about helping kids and parents navigate a digital world including social media and educational apps, certain sections would be useful to any adult online.

[Callen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good questions. Didn’t love how it read like a series of unconnected blog posts.

[Emily · Rating 4 out of 5]

Particularly interesting due to being a former teacher. It’s one I’d want to revisit when I move into the world of parenting a teen or preparing for a kiddo to leave home.

[Lorie · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a fan of young people, I read this book in order to understand a little more about their world

[Rebecca Felt · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such an important read for educators and families. Heitner expertly emphasizes the importance of directly teaching tweens about privacy, boundaries, character, and reputation as they navigate the digital landscape. I read this after I read the Anxious Generation and this felt more hopeful and strategy driven. Needless to say, as a school administrator working with tweens, we need more resources to support children as we all come to terms with the realities of tech. I really enjoyed the chapters that spoke about educational apps that communicate grades and reinforce behavior. Heitner brings up important questions about intrinsic vs extrinsic motivation that resonated a lot with me.

[Leah Downey · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was... terrifying. But also really good and important information. I'm fairly terrified of having to raise my kids in this world of rampant social media, so I'm trying to get a good amount of info and various perspectives on how to deal with and balance it all out. This is definitely a book I'll need to come back to as my kids get older too.

[Greg Talbot · Rating 4 out of 5]

The 1990s were a magical time. I recall dancing and "surfing" on the internet highway for a class performance and feeling we were on the frontier of our collective knowledge. I doubt any adults there were worried about privacy settings, vulnerability of online data, oversight of minors online, bullying, sexting, or reputation lost for us kids. It was a largely joyous occasion, and all the more for it, since there was no social media to post the performance too.


Devorah Heitner's "Growing Up in Public: Coming of Age in a Digital World" is a thoughtful and empathetic bridge between childhood exuberance and adulthood oversight She states her mission "as a parent and former college professor with tremendous affection and admiration for young people, I want to build more empathy for adolescents doing all their messy, chaotic and stressful growing up in public (p.5)". 


Admittedly, there is a large range of tech issues that can be irritants between parents and kids, but Heitner does a great job of tying parenthood wisdom to the digital realm. "Mentoring, not monitoring" may be the most impactful wisdom imparted. It may seem obvious, but citing a study online monitoring, she explores how many parents intrude on the privacy spheres of kids (61% check web browsing, 48% look at phone call logs, 43% have access to teens password; 16% track location through phone). The larger cultural frame she explores is that fostering trust can not occur if a child is tracked in all their endeavors.


Heitner helps us reconnect to that time in life when we are all more peer-focused. Social media, as she states, is an "intensifier" (p.45). One-third of girls and women won't post unaltered photos. 40% feel pressured to post "likeable" or attractive content. Easy sharing and the permanence of digital content imposes the cruelest trajectories - viral success or ostracization; followers or haters; connection or humiliation. As a non-digital native, it seems like a hellish nightmare. And yet, she is so correct when she writes "what we experience as discomfort, they experience as empowering" (p.167), referring to the activism, romantic possibilities, friendships, and esteem that can be built from online exposure.


My only real issue with the book is I think there should have been more criticism of the platforms (tiktok, facebook, insta). In fairness , she does refer to a Facebook whistleblower case and a study about the damaging effects on young people. The role of activism to hold these platforms accountable (by parents and students) seems like a healthy and needed solution. Often, it seems Heitner takes the path of least resistance - pornography is everywhere, your kid is going to do what she wants anyway, it's up to the parent to get with it.


Overall, a solid read.

[Kristiana · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’m a fan of parenting books, and Growing Up in Public is a thoughtful look at raising kids in a very online world.

Devorah Heitner outlines all the ways parents and schools monitor and report on kids, from tracking locations to posting grades. She also looks at how kids post about themselves online.

There’s a lot to think through in how we encourage our kids to show up in the world. This book offers a lot of helpful insights. It doesn’t provide clear answers, but is an outline to think through what courses you will choose to take as a parent.

The idea of monitoring vs mentoring is introduce in the first chapter. That while parents have the ability to monitor much of their children’s lives and locations, a better route is to mentor them in how to best use devices and tools. At the heart of the book is the push for parents to help teach their kids how best to use their phones, their data, their online presence. And that it’s a parents job to help their kids stand on their own.

There is some attention paid to kids with disabilities and how the scaffolding required for those parents may look different for those families. But apart from some asides, the book does not address racial, economic, or abilities in depth.

How much I choose to monitor and mentor my kids is something I’ll have to consider. And I’m thankful for this book for bringing a lot of these issues to the forefront.

[Julie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have no doubt that parents - particularly those of elementary and middle school children - will find this book helpful in navigating conversations about the use of technology and consent with their kids. However, the use of almost exclusively anecdotal evidence to show Heintner’s points felt cherry-picked to me and lacked real insight. The sources listed at the back of the book are almost devoid of academic journals. I was expecting a better blend of science and anecdote so I was disappointed.

Most parents will walk away from this book either more paranoid about their child’s social media use, or give themselves a pat on the back for not being one of the parents in the book who made mistakes. Either way, the simple message of this book is talk to your kids.

[Michelle Ciulla · Rating 5 out of 5]

Full transparency: I know Devorah Heitner and think she is amazing. I have read her writing and heard her talk many times over the years. I have always found her approach to be reasonable, relatable, authentic, and refreshingly human. I appreciate her new book so much especially because it comes at a time when there is a lot of cultural conversation about social media and teens that tends to lean toward the protectionist approach and limiting, punitive solutions. I love Heitner’s reframing of the conversation - “we want to teach kids to do the right thing, not catch them doing the wrong thing.” This book touches on many topics but one theme is very clear - the need for parents to be engaged and communicative with their kids rather than rely on tools that monitor and lessen kids’ independence. I appreciate her approach - mentor, not monitor. The book covers topics such as sharenting, academic surveillance, privacy, sexting, damage control and college process dilemmas in the digital age. She covers these important topics in “a more positive, less fear-based approach.” In Growing Up in Public, Heitner has created a helpful, informative, and action oriented guide for parents. Every parent should read it.

Some passages that stood out to me:

Today, we can track our kids’ every move with apps, see their grades within minutes being posted, or fixate on their digital footprint, anxious that a misstep could cause them to be “canceled.” But how can they figure out who they really are when they have zero privacy and constant judgment?

What I’ve observed through interacting with thousands of parents and kids is that a fear-based approach - i.e., a consequences-based approach - can breed more secrecy and distrust. It makes our kids feel like they are being watched but not seen; mentioned but not understood. Instead, we can focus on helping our children build character (who they are) over threatening consequences (the bad things that can happen to them) to enable them to independently and reliably navigate their own boundaries, privacy, and reputation. We can mentor our kids in digital spaces by focusing on empathy and thoughtfulness, by being accountable, and repairing when things go wrong.

Checking our offsprings, every move and keeping tabs on what they are writing to their friends might be antithetical to building a relationship of trust, one that shows we have confidence in them, and believe them to be honest and reliable.

While the ability to maintain contact with our loved ones can be a good thing, our ability to constantly “check in,” especially when it isn’t mutually chosen, undermines our trust in our kids and their trust in us.

We should focus our energies, not on catching and “cleaning up” unwanted behavior, but on helping our child to become as good a person online as they are in their in-person relationships. We need to talk to them about empathy. We need to model ethical behavior and expect it of them. We need to teach them how to balance their rights with those of others in a sensitive way. We need to show them how to respect and treat themselves and others well. We need to teach them that being a decent human being is its own quiet reward. No badge, blue ribbon, or Ivy acceptance comes with it – and that is okay.

[Jung · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Growing Up in Public: Coming of Age in a Digital World" by Devorah Heitner provides insightful guidance for parents navigating the challenges of raising responsible digital natives. As children increasingly engage with technology, the book encourages a shift from control to communication, emphasizing the importance of mentoring over monitoring.

The first section discusses the potential pitfalls of tracking children's digital activities. While parents may be tempted to employ monitoring tools for protection, the book suggests that excessive surveillance can hinder the development of autonomy and self-reliance. Instead, it advocates for open discussions about values, expectations, and challenges. The focus should be on fostering responsible behavior through supportive guidance, gradually reducing monitoring as children demonstrate maturity.

The second section explores adolescence in the digital age, highlighting the impact of social media on teenagers' self-esteem. While acknowledging the benefits of online expression, the book emphasizes the need for parents to encourage open discussions about the curated nature of social media. It underlines the value of mentoring over monitoring, allowing teens to control their own narratives while guiding them through the challenges of online life.

The third section addresses the phenomenon of "sharenting" and the balance between parental sharing and child privacy online. Parents are urged to respect children's autonomy and dignity by safeguarding their privacy rights. The book suggests creating a family media policy to outline guidelines for sharing family information online and encourages conversations about privacy in both small and large contexts.

The fourth section delves into guiding children in setting online privacy boundaries. Rather than suppressing self-expression, parents are encouraged to engage in conversations about thoughtful sharing. The focus is on helping children understand their motives for sharing, their audience, and the potential reactions to their posts. Parents are advised to prioritize mentoring over monitoring, respecting their children's autonomy and providing guidance on responsible sharing.

The final section discusses helping kids recover from online mistakes. Parents are guided on how to approach hurtful online mistakes with compassion and guidance. Shaming is discouraged in favor of modeling accountability and safeguarding a child's dignity. The book recommends addressing problematic views with education and therapy, emphasizing character development, and fostering a sense of healthy guilt rather than shame.

In summary, "Growing Up in Public" provides valuable insights for parents navigating the complexities of raising children in a digital world. It emphasizes the importance of open communication, mentoring, and character development in fostering responsible digital citizens.

[Mike · Rating 4 out of 5]

Intro
* Closest comparison to all kids lives these days from the past is celebrity
* Social media is quite possibly the greatest social experiment of all time
* Ask why you're posting and how it benefits you loved ones

Chapter 1 Tracking
* Monitor (location tracking, communication overview) vs. mentor
* How much should parents even share about their children?
* Kids not getting a chance to make mistakes is a huge mistake
* Could be worth monitoring kids who are being cyber bullied
* I think I'd like to say, "look, I'll only geo-locate you if you're not home when we agreed you would be" and I will not go through your communications hoping you can come to me with what's important when you need to."
* Parents were able to foster relationships before social media and then bolster them on social media. Kids will be fostering relationships in life and online.
* Looking through texts and geo-locations can make confusing data... don't know the context, location can show as one place when there are more on different stories in the building
* Culture Reframed helps talk with kids about porn / hyper sexualized society

Chapter 2 Growing Up in Public Eye
* Parents worry about kids "crowd-sourcing their personality" in social media
* Constant comparison is difficult for kids to handle
* Girls in particular are susceptible to poor self esteem regarding bodies in particular in social media. Most vulnerable for mental health concerns after period of intensive social media use at certain points in their life are 11-13 girls and 14-15 boys.
* Social media is an "intensifier"
* Likes, follower numbers etc. quantify life for kids
* Brand vs. person

Ch. 3 Sharenting
* It's not just our story we're stating when posting about our kids.
* Big privacy vs small privacy. Everyone vs. small group / direct sends.
* Posting creates narrative which can put pressure on kids

Ch. 4 Too Much Info, Classroom Apps
* Class Dojo etc gamify school behavior and give nearly instantaneous parent updates
* Doesn't change behavior with incentives.
* Encourages mindless compliance. Is random too depending on what a teacher notices
* Often no space for individualized teacher feedback
* Points over learning
* Monitoring kids grades and responsibilities outsources worries to parents
* Ally vs. Enforcer role for parents
* Who gets access to data?

Ch. 5 Boundaries
* Digital self bullying to get attention
* Communities of support for things like eating disorders and actually reinforce the behavior

Ch. 6 Sexting
* Rather than saying, "Don't do it," explain consequences of it so they make their own choices in what they post and how they react to others' posts.
* Maintain trust and openness so you can help... shaming them only makes things worse
* Teach passing on vulnerable post is harmful as well even they they didn't post originally
* Teach what consent is (sharing an image is not consenting others seeing it as well, don't send sext without consent)
* Empathy over power
* Ask kids to think about what will happen to photos if the relationship ends... what will they do if someone starts pressuring them to share sexting photos etc.
* Keeping secrets makes a kid more vulnerable to exploitation
* Sometimes the girl whose photo was shared by boy gets in more trouble than the boy

Ch. 7 Damage Control
* There are no boundaries anymore between the digital and real world
* Newton North had some kids ride around school with Confederate flag. Visible action needed when such incidents happen at school.
* Online dis-inhibition has people say things online they wouldn't in person
* Schools can punish victims like a black wrestler who shared racist post of white teammate with another black wrestler
* Punishing the one offender doesn't fix their community
* Yes, it's a crisis but also a chance to address the issue
* Guilt (you did a bad thing) vs. shame (you're worthless)
* Shunning can make youth more susceptible to recruitment to hate groups
* "Empathy for those we feel least deserve it is the only path towards change" - Christian Picciolini
* Parents encouraging kids to hide and go silent leaves no changes being made
* Only post your story and not others with dramatic exceptions like Floyd's murder
* Why are other people's stories often shared? Often to legitimate poster's feelings.
* Shame spiral prevented through trust and openness
* Teaching kids with boring, dry response (unsatisfying) kills gossip ("I saw you vaping in a video." "Yeah, that was a long time ago and I'm not talking about it.")

Ch. 8 Who's Looking at You Kid?
* Can be overestimated how much colleges are looking but they do look at students' online footprint
* Saying swearing on social media etc. could keep them out of college is dishonest... it's more about what the parents want. Focus on character over brand.
* In reality, colleges look students over very briefly and don't look at social media
* Parents can think kids are oblivious to importance of what they post and effects on their digital footprint but kids actually are hyperaware of such things.
* College student didn't fight back to preserve digital reputation over her own body
* Companies do review social media profiles more than colleges and can actually not be interested in someone with no profiles
* Making Caring Common Project looks at character in Performance (grit, discipline), Intellectual (passion), Ethical (personal behavior), and Civic (do you think about the larger good?)
* Sell your pain for personal brand in college essay can backfire... must make clear you are doing well in revealing a diagnosis as the college doesn't want more issues to handle in their student body
* Naviance helps guide college applications but encourages comparison and preference for colleges doing more marketing than education best matching the student and signs up student for tons of communication from the schools. You see the older students (anonymously) at your school and where they went to school, compares you to them, and then recommends where you should apply.
* Behave online as you would in person
* Less brand focus, more character focus

Ch. 9 How to be a Thriving Adult
* We shouldn't check in as much once the kids are in college... we shouldn't do things for them... they need to advocate for themselves
* College students can flounder if the reason they were working was parental motivation
* By age 12 or so, encourage the kids to have time with pediatrician away from parents. HIPPA will do this as well by 13. Look for doctor who encourages emerging independence
* Students will need phone skills so they don't miss important medical calls etc.... yes, that's among other things literally answering the phone
* Colleges will not talk to you like primary education did... very little if at all really... biggest shock to IEP families who have been very involved until college
* Kid must build up skills to make independent decisions

[James]

The definitive book on helping kids navigate growing up in a world where nearly every moment of their lives can be shared and compared With social media and constant connection, the boundaries of privacy are stretched thin. Growing Up in Public shows parents how to help tweens and teens navigate boundaries, identity, privacy, and reputation in their digital world. We can track our kids' every move with apps, see their grades within minutes of being posted, and fixate on their digital footprint, anxious that a misstep could cause them to be "canceled" or even jeopardize their admission to college. And all of this adds pressure on kids who are coming of age immersed in social media platforms that emphasize "personal brand," "likes," and "gotcha" moments. How can they figure out who they really are with zero privacy and constant judgment? Devorah Heitner shows us that by focusing on character, not the threat of getting caught or exposed, we can support our kids to be authentically themselves. Drawing on her extensive work with parents and schools as well as hundreds of interviews with kids, parents, educators, clinicians, and scholars, Heitner offers strategies for parenting our kids in an always-connected world. With relatable stories and research-backed advice, Growing Up in Public empowers parents to cut through the overwhelm to connect with their kids, recognize how to support them, and help them figure out who they are when everyone is watching.

[Jill · Rating 1 out of 5]

I read this book in preparation for the author’s visit to our school district. Our community has become increasingly aware of the growing body of research and concern surrounding smartphones, social media and their effects on youth. Unfortunately, I found Growing Up in Public difficult to get through. Heitner tends to gloss over the serious risks associated with social media, sexting, and online platforms such as Discord. Her tone often minimizes legitimate concerns and overlooks an important perspective—that parents can, in fact, choose to delay or forgo introducing certain apps or devices until their children are developmentally ready.

I did agree with her point about not excessively tracking children at home or at school with GPS trackers. I also liked that she did t agree with schools tracking behavior on apps like Class Dojo. However, the overall tone of the book felt more like it was written from the lens of a media scholar than someone who works closely with children in educational, clinical, or developmental settings.

Her live presentation at our district was particularly concerning. She dismissed research linking violent video games to increased aggression by saying, “Otherwise we’d all be dead,” and suggested that parents should be just as proud of a child who excels at Minecraft as one who develops a real-world skill or hobby. These statements felt dismissive of the very real challenges families face in helping children balance digital life with genuine, offline experiences.

Since the book’s publication, the U.S. Surgeon General has issued a public health advisory recommending warning labels for social media—an acknowledgment of the growing evidence of harm. In light of this, Growing Up in Public already feels outdated and misaligned with what we now know about technology’s impact on youth mental health and development.

[Synthia Salomon · Rating 3 out of 5]

empower teens in the digital world.

As children grow up glued to devices, parents face a new challenge: how to raise responsible digital natives in an overexposed online world. This is particularly important as it turns out that trying to control and monitor teens’ technology use is often counterproductive.

The solution to this conundrum is granting your children supported digital autonomy. After all, children thrive through communication, not control. By mentoring social and behavioral values instead of policing social media use, parents can encourage good judgment rather than rebellion and secrecy. 

Far from scaremongering, is a reassuring guide to empathetic parenting in the digital age. In it, you’ll learn that with care and courage, parents can model resilience and responsibility while teaching their children to use technology humanely.

much of the language is focused on “parents”, sometimes

children are raised by close family friends, grandparents, or other guardians.

the terms “parents” and “guardians” interchangeably while recognizing not all guardians are direct parents*

[Alicia · Rating 4 out of 5]

I needed this book as both a parent of teenagers and as a public educator/librarian. Some of it stands as a reminder and some of it was new or allowed me to think differently. Either way, I was schooled by my one son several months ago when he asked me not to post a picture to my social media. I was annoyed but then when I thought about it, I realized he was speaking up for himself and that whatever gratification I would get from posting was not necessary. So I was ready for a book like this.

Heitner dives in to a range of topics from the standard sexting and general social media elements, but also about school apps that focus on grades and behavior and how that affects parenting. She also talks about the social side, the technological side, but also the relationship side where communication is key. Surveilling your child on social media is not a substitute for parenting and communication. And trust.

Her approach is the best because it doesn't oversimplify or overcomplicate the message. She even bolds certain points she wants to make to make sure they're made.

Thank you for writing this.

[Mir Shahzad · Rating 4 out of 5]

Navigating the digital world as a parent involves more mentoring than monitoring. It’s crucial to respect children's privacy and autonomy, balancing the joy of sharing their milestones with their right to control their own digital footprint. Discussions around privacy, both in small community settings and in larger online contexts, are key in preparing them for the digital world. Adolescents need guidance in sharing online thoughtfully, understanding the impact of their words and actions. Parents play a vital role in educating children about the historical and social context of their online behavior, especially to prevent hurtful mistakes. When mistakes do occur, compassionate guidance and reflection are more effective than shaming. Fostering a sense of healthy guilt rather than shame in children encourages positive change and growth. Ultimately, raising digital citizens requires open communication, understanding, and a focus on character development, helping adolescents navigate the complexities of their online and offline lives.

[Jessica Layman · Rating 3 out of 5]

I thought this book was going to be more scientific study aimed at the generation who grew up with the internet and less parenting book for scared parents whose children are growing up with Internet. However, I stuck with it because it was interesting and written well. I was surprised at how quickly the book was going, because it was an easy-to-read style.

Content-wise, I thought most of it made sense. The facts about how the internet affects kids was really interesting, as someone who grew up both with and without the internet. I've read reviews that said this book doesn't actually draw from a lot of scientific studies, more from interviews the author has done. I think that taking the book with a grain of salt, just like with any parenting book, will suffice. There were a lot of interesting thoughts and tactics about mentoring versus monitoring your kids.

Overall, I did get some value from it, and it wasn't a slog to read, but it's not the best parenting book I've read lately.

[Don · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book provides an exploration of the impact of technology on children's development and the dynamics of parent-child relationships in the digital era. Heitner skillfully navigates through the complexities of constant connectivity, communication, and surveillance, prompting readers to reflect deeply on these crucial issues.

One of the book's strengths lies in its ability to provoke thoughtful contemplation. Heitner examines how the omnipresence of technology shapes the way our children grow and how we engage with them. Her insights prompt essential discussions on how this digital landscape influences not only our children's development but also our relationships with them.

A weakness I felt the book had was its reliance on anecdotal evidence. While anecdotes can be illustrative, a more balanced approach incorporating empirical research would have strengthened some of the book's arguments and guidance.

Regardless, the writing is solid and accessible, making it an easy and engaging read.

[Julia · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is most useful for parents of American teenagers ages 11-18 in 2024, and has excellent research, advice, and perspectives of youth throughout. Would definitely recommend. As parents, we grew up in such a radically different time period when it comes to digital privacy and the Internet. Simply following the norms of other parents or going off of what we know as adults today is not good enough. Seeking the advice of experts, who both do research and teach on the subject, is necessary, and this book is digestible enough for most people to be helpful.

My kid is almost 4, so this book wasn’t immediately helpful for me. It did give me some ideas of how to prepare myself and my kid for their middle school and high school years, but the Internet and norms might change rapidly before we get there. This is not a fault of this book, but just know that it’s not relevant for all parents.

[Tessa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hietner has made some convincing arguments. I’m not a parent, but I work together with teenagers and parents. Her thoughts on gps monitoring and “sharenting” were particularly poignant. Aka, don’t do it permission/consent. Which is basically what the whole book is about - kids’ privacy and room to make mistakes has been diminished, why are we contributing to that? The question she poses is a great one - why are we trying to catch them in the act every time? Why not prep them for a worst case scenario, let them make mistakes and push boundaries in private, and catch them if they fall.

One counter thought, the books doesn’t necessarily take into account kids who may have developed a screen addiction, who have been diagnosed with adhd or learning difficulties and that may be impulsive or vulnerable.

Nevertheless, the book feels like a great conversation starter. And I appreciated the involvement in teenagers in the formulation of her arguments.

[Amanda Reid · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was somehow more than what I was expecting and had missing pieces all at the same time. It lacked data and hard truths of the negative impact of social media on developing content. But at the same time, I have already used the content in my work with clients and their parents, educating them on the unintended consequences of monitoring vs mentoring. One of my biggest takeaways was how adolescents are navigating identity formation while simultaneously figuring out the reactions from everyone around them and that’s a lot. While I think there’s a lot of helpful nuggets, I hesitate to fully recommend when there’s so much missing.