The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage

by Al-Anon Family Groups

Every aspect of a relationship takes on the nature of a dilemma when one or both partners are alcoholic. Here, the relatives and friends of alcoholics openly and honestly talk about their marriages and dealing with problems primarily involving sex, communication, maturity, feelings, personalities, security, and independence. Together, these Al-Anon members encourage the reader to "let the understanding, love, and peace of the [Al-Anon] program grow in you one day at a time."

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Addiction

100 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 1971

Reviews

[Brendan Butts · Rating 5 out of 5]

I had heard about this book from one of my Al-Anon daily readers. It was quoted a ton. I found it at a used book store and purchased it right away.

It's not a long read, in fact I read it in about two sittings. It took about an hour and a half. However, it is so chalk full of useful information and practical examples that I know I will read it in it's entirety several more times.

Mostly it's written from the perspective of a Woman dealing with her Husband, though there is a chapter devoted to men. Some of the examples are dated but if you can get past the somewhat antiquated way men and women are discussed you can really get some worthwhile knowledge and help from this book.

You don't need to be married either. I'm not. The information, advice and stories in this book can be applied to much more than just marriage. It can apply to friendships, courtships, relationships, and recovery when the alcoholic is in your life, or not.

It touches on codependency without really referring to it by name (possibly because the word had not caught on yet). All in all, for a book that is several decades old, the information within it still holds true.

It's a much easier read than a lot of the other Al-Anon and 12-Step material I've had occasion to consume. I recommend this for anyone who has suffered due to someone else's drinking.

[Minoka Dillow Richter · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book seems to blame the sober wives of alcoholics for their spouses drinking. It also is fairly appalling in regards to women's rights issues. There was actually a bit that encourages women who aren't interested in intimacy with their alcoholic/newly sober spouse for good reason to basically lie back and think of England as it were (with no regard to the long term consequences on the sober spouse) because if the male spouse felt "manly" he would remain sober. Yeah. No. Nevermind the fact that the sober spouse in this equation already likely has some pretty severe trust issues due to having to deal with the alcoholic spouse for whatever amount of time prior, and long-term, it's not emotionally feasible to have sex with some one you don't/can't trust. The book overall had a blame the sober spouse feel to it. I honestly wouldn't recommend this book to someone, especially a wife dealing with an alcoholic spouse. Watching someone commit suicide on the installment plan as well as the day to day of dealing with that is horrible enough without being told it's your fault and you're the problem(which you are likely already getting from some people)& it being reinforced by a book like this.

[Marv · Rating 4 out of 5]

Alanon for two! Two drunks don't make a right. Good counsel, and strategy for an almost hopeless situation.

[Paige · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found the first part of this book helpful but there is a fair amount of dated/sexist content at the end of the book. Take what you like and leave the rest…

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

To appreciate this book, I think you have to be open to the idea of it not being easy to see (when you are up to your eyeballs in drama) that there is a difference between recognizing the toxic elements of a relationship, and accepting responsibility for your own role in it, vs. taking on blame and guilt for someone else's behavior. Accepting responsibility doesn't mean you are saying you haven't been harmed or that the other party doesn't also bear responsibility for the toxicity. Accepting responsibility isn't synonymous with tolerating what shouldn't be tolerated. Accepting responsibility is how you begin to understand the situation and yourself in relation to it. It's a step toward protecting yourself, walking away, changing what must change, and creating something new.

This book is trying to talk to many people so it's ok to leave what doesn't ring true for a particular situation, person, or experience. But there's also a good chance there will be at least one worthwhile take-away.

[Rebecca · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book can come across as dated and heternormative. It does mention that for simplicity's sake it's going to refer to the alcoholic in male pronouns and titles and the non-alcoholic as femal pronouns and titles. It did feel like it was relevant to my life at times. Did it give you all the answers? No. That's not what it's about. Did it give me comfort? Not really. If anything it made me realize that choosing sobriety isn't the magic solution. It's helped me realize that it's going to be an uphill battle. I find myself thinking and reflecting on the readings and my al-anon meetings often while having conversations with my Q and those around us. It's making me see just how deep we are in this.

This book has no advice. It might not have anything you didn't already know. It truly doesn't even scratch the surface. But it does give you perspective and what to keep in mind during the 12 steps AND your marriage.

[Aljan · Rating 2 out of 5]

There are a few pearls to be found, but overall, I didn't care for this book as much as I have others from Al-Anon. This one feels really dated, for the position of women in particular. I feel that there were many times when excuses were made and a complete lack of responsibility for one's action was encouraged. Not my favorite.

[Tanya Harrison · Rating 4 out of 5]

To me this is one of the most useful books if you are in a relationship or living with an alcoholic. This book can bring much serenity to your life and answer a lot of questions you had concerning your relationship.

[Anna · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book shed so much light on the dynamic of my relationship.

[Jonathan Tennis · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not in an alcoholic marriage but read this to better understand the impact alcoholism on relationships. Great, short read.

[Pixel Rainbow · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a good book! It is so helpful with such difficult personal feelings and situations, how many other books touch base on these complicated close to heart matters!? Great points are made and empathetic experiences shared. At no point does it ever feel like it’s telling you what is right or wrong and rather just explains anecdotes and tools. I took what I liked and left the rest. :) My only desire is that the book would be longer, it is super short. I think it could have been more in-depth and gathered more personal stories to share.

[Donna · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found this book at a local book sale and bought it as part of researching the dynamics in alcoholic families. It is short and very readable and, although the perspective is a little dated, it has some good advice for any marriage. Each person in a marriage needs to have primary responsibility for themselves. It gives many examples of how the dynamic in the relationship can play out. It is evident from the content and the long print run how many families this book must have helped.

[Meghan Hodgin · Rating 3 out of 5]

I’m honestly torn on this book. It’s definitely an outdated way of thinking and at times irritated me that the spouse seemed to be blamed the majority of the time. I agree the spouse needs to be in control of their own actions - not the actions of the alcoholic. However, this books has a tone to it that suggests the spouse is solely at fault.

[Christopher Pokorny · Rating 3 out of 5]

Insights from an Alcoholics Anonymous perspective on how to resolve marriage dysfunction. Discusses incorporating 12 steps into the relationship and explores how a spouse may react to the alcoholic in an unhelpful fashion.

[Lesa Hudak · Rating 2 out of 5]

Read it. It is OBVIOUS that this book was written in the 1970s with comments like "allow the husband to take his place as the head of household again." I tried, really tried, to look past the comments and focus on the message, but the obvious patriarchy made it challenging.

[Wendy- Lynn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Although this book was written decades ago, and is definitely outdated regarding gender and role equality, it speaks to many of the challenges one might have after one of the partners sobers up. A quick, short read, but could be used to reflect and apply to self, as long as one has an open mind!

[Erika Boyer · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book extremely validating of my own experience and helpful in ways I hadn't considered. Highly recommended.

[Cassie Gilbert · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing read even though my spouse and I are not married I still highly recommend this book!

[Joanna Fox · Rating 4 out of 5]

More than a bit dated but the final chapter on the application of the steps is worth a frequent rereading.

[Tiffany McElmeel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very insightful to the effects on a marriage and offering guidance. It’s a quick read and a great start.

[Hannah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Poignant

[Andra · Rating 1 out of 5]

Very poorly written

[Sandy.l_f_ · Rating 3 out of 5]

There are many things I like about this book and took onboard. The dated social context was what I didn't like, but that aspect was what I left behind. The references to the 12 steps are useful.

[Jennifer Flint · Rating 4 out of 5]

Pages 48-52 are exactly what I needed to hear: to understand the mothering relationship of an alcoholic in my life ~ with his music partner. I thought that description of the dependency issues was especially well done.