On Marriage

How to Find God #2

by Timothy J. Keller

There are few events as significant and life-altering as birth, marriage, and death. These are the moments in which we experience our greatest happiness and our deepest grief. And so it is profoundly important to understand these events and their religious and spiritual significance in the course of our lives.

In On Marriage , Timothy Keller and his wife, Kathy, take us on a journey into the Christian meaning of marriage. With wisdom, joy and compassion, the Kellers teach us to understand marriage through the lessons embedded within the Bible.

The perfect gift for anyone thinking about marriage, On Marriage is a short, powerful book that gives us the tools to understand its meaning within God's vision of life.

'A Christian intellectual who takes on the likes of Nietzsche, Marx, and Freud.' The Wall Street Journal

Genres: Christian, Marriage, Christian Living, Nonfiction, Faith, Theology, Relationships

106 pages, Paperback

First published March 3, 2020

About the author

Librarian Note: There is more than one author in the Goodreads database with this name.

Timothy Keller was the founding pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian Church in Manhattan, which he started in 1989 with his wife, Kathy, and three young sons. For over twenty years he has led a diverse congregation of young professionals that has grown to a weekly attendance of over 5,000.

He was also Chairman of Redeemer City to City, which starts new churches in New York and other global cities, and publishes books and resources for faith in an urban culture. In over ten years they have helped to launch over 250 churches in 48 cities. More recently, Dr. Keller’s books, including the New York Times bestselling The Reason for God and The Prodigal God, have sold over 1 million copies and been translated into 15 languages.

Christianity Today has said, “Fifty years from now, if evangelical Christians are widely known for their love of cities, their commitment to mercy and justice, and their love of their neighbors, Tim Keller will be remembered as a pioneer of the new urban Christians.”

Dr. Keller was born and raised in Pennsylvania, and educated at Bucknell University, Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary, and Westminster Theological Seminary. He previously served as the pastor of West Hopewell Presbyterian Church in Hopewell, Virginia, Associate Professor of Practical Theology at Westminster Theological Seminary, and Director of Mercy Ministries for the Presbyterian Church in America.

Reviews

[Natalie Grubbs · Rating 5 out of 5]

Started and finished this book in one sitting. So good and highly recommend. I’ve heard there are some differences of content between this and the Meaning of Marriage (which I have not finished) but even if it actually is just a summary, it was more manageable to get through. I was so encouraged.

[Alexandra · Rating 5 out of 5]

There is no Timmy K + Kathy K book that doesn’t sit so well with me! This is a more practical look at the perception, beginning, sustaining, and ending of a marriage. It feels like an appetizer to the Meaning of Marriage but also takes a different approach for how to teach the heart in different seasons of marriage. I really loved this! I am definitely going to be using bits of this in discipleship this year- it seems great for someone about to enter a marriage particularly (in my unmarried opinion) based on how it reads. There’s a great balance of primarily Scripture, citing other theologians and believers to learn from (including their personal experience), but also practical guidance. The Meaning of Marriage was an emotional undertaking, this one worked with my brain more easily with the structure, succinct and clearly sourced advice, and it def helped I already had read Meaning of Marriage so some bits lost their shock factor. For what it is and how it was made, ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️!

[Annie Riggins · Rating 4 out of 5]

Like a primer for Keller’s “The Meaning of Marriage”, this book emphasizes the parallels between our union with Christ and earthly marriage. And how, with our eyes fixed on the former, the latter will flourish.

[Theophilus Firtandi · Rating 4 out of 5]

This short book covers a biblical perspective for common fears/doubts about marriage and an encouragement to those already married.

Key takeaway:
Whenever you are ready to give up on a difficult spouse, remember Jesus's patience with you. In order to really stick with a marriage you need over and over and over again to look at your spouse and say, "You wronged me, but I wronged my great spouse, Jesus Christ, and he kept covering me and forgiving me, so I'm loved enough by him that I can offer the same thing to you." That's the only way you'll have patience for the journey. - Timothy & Kathy Keller

[Barry · Rating 4 out of 5]

Another great little book in this series. It may seem at first take to be more theological than practical, but there is much wisdom in this small package. In fact, anyone who invites me to their wedding this year can expect to receive a copy!

[Brian · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent! Probably my favorite from this series.

[Staci · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a great tiny book to introduce Biblical marriage. The content was well-written, compelling, and full of Biblical truths. I just wish it was longer. I know that isn't the point of this series, though. It definitely made me think about some things in a new way. And it also made me want to read his longer marriage book.

[Brian Parks · Rating 4 out of 5]

Quick read; Abbreviated version of “The Meaning of Marriage”

[Ryan Chan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Basically a summary of Meaning of Marriage 😆, so have seen most of what was in here.

[Mary Town · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a wonderful little book! My appetite is wetted for more and I am looking forward to reading their larger work, the Meaning of Marriage.

[Caleb · Rating 5 out of 5]

Like the Meaning of Marriage but condensed to 100 pages and filled with more life and a lot more of Kathy’s voice making the messages feel very fresh; highly recommend to anyone who liked the Meaning of Marriage and anticipate giving this away as a present in the future.

It feels almost like as if they invited you over to dinner and you asked for both their perspectives after 45 years of marriage they wrote down their answer. Great book.

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

MODERN DAY CULTURE

2 things that discourage marriages today:
- economic stress (belief that one must be financially secure, when in reality marriage was historically a means TO attain this bc of all the benefits. also the perceived cost of raising a child, when in the past people married to surmount this challenge together)
- individualist culture (being very picky with finding a partner, treating it like “shopping” in our information overload age, also the narrative that partners compromises our individuality and “change” us, eg. in moana where following “the voice inside is who you are” is touted above her family/tribal collectivist identity, which is how most people in the past derived their identity!)

MAN & WOMAN (Gen 2:18)

“Ezer”; Hebrew translates to “helper”, which is used to describe God when He offers army strength to Israel, to mean a supplementary strength that only one can uniquely provide.

“suitable”; Hebrew origin is two words “like opposite” that mean something like “rightly different”. imagine 2 puzzle pieces that are not the same, but perfectly different to fit together. this is how man and women were created.

Eph 5:25-27 as “Genesis 2 reversed”, because originally the women’s role was to complete man, but here we see the man’s role is also to perfect woman by “[giving] himself up for her to make her holy… as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish”

interesting observation that Adam & Eve were theoretically complete in Eden, yet God still made marriage for them. keller suggests it’s not bc God was incomplete/insufficient (since they were by all means in perfect union), but rather that it was made for our benefit, that humans were created to need others and enjoy fellowship with each other.

also, in response to “God being selfish for creating humans to worship him”: this scene quite clearly God did not need us. yes He was already in perfect triune fellowship, but also it COST God to send Jesus to restore us. it came at a personal sacrifice (and much grief!) to win our hearts back to Him.

MARRIAGE

our marriage to God is the foundation for our marriage with everyone else.

our problem is not that we love people too much (CS lewis poses we can not). it’s that we love God too little, in relation to that. it’s impossible to, if He is the supreme source of love.

unique theory on Matthew 22:27-30 about the woman who remarried 7 times bc of her dead husbands, that we won’t be given in “marriage” not bc it will be lesser in heaven but rather it will be greater– and no word can describe how our earthly marriages will not only reach perfect union, but we’ll also share this perfect love with others & Jesus, without any jealousy, envy, selfishness, etc.

similar to how when Jesus returned after resurrection, it took a sec but everyone recognized all his friends, and his friends recognized him. that’s an image of how relationships will carry into heaven.

SECOND COMING

this is the true marriage feast we await, what our marriages hope to even reflect on earth.

Jesus; Second Adam
Church; Second Eve

[Thomas Kuhn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Awesome little primer on marriage that is packed with biblical truth, yet accessible to those who are new to the Christian faith. Three chapters: 1-beginning a marriage. 2-sustaining a marriage. 3-the destiny of marriage. This will probably be my standard premarital counseling book from now on.

[Jayne · Rating 5 out of 5]

This very fast read makes a compelling, practical guide to marriage for singletons to experienced married couples. I would recommend everyone read this sometime in life, married or single.

[James Bunyan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Quite robust and some great insights. Expensive though and not sure I could give it to my non-Christian mates.

[Kaylee Robertson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Short and sweet with practical advice grounded in scripture

[Charlotte Lovell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Listened to this driving back from Melbourne. Will never rate a Keller book any lower than 5 stars.
Very thought provoking and challenging.

[Samuel Kassing · Rating 4 out of 5]

Almost reads like the cliff notes for the Meaning of Marriage. Or why marriage is worth it and viable for secular people.

[Amanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

A straightforward explanation of Christian marriage — this is a good resource to get everyone on the same page because it’s so clear and positive and gospel-centered. I found it helpful 17 years into marriage, too!

[Shane Williamson · Rating 4 out of 5]

2024 reads: 21

Rating: 4.5 stars

Somehow in this concise book the Kellers are winsome, pastoral, and apologetic all at once. On Marriage was very encouraging; a book one might even give to unbelievers?

[James Brixey]

A great book, short and thoughtful

[Josh Miller · Rating 4 out of 5]

Years ago, I read the Keller's book "The Meaning of Marriage." Of the dozens of books on marriage I have read over the years, that book remains my favorite book on the subject. The subtitle of that book is "Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God." Truly, marriage is a complex relationship. I believe a long-term commitment requires the wisdom of God.

In this short book on marriage written by Tim & Kathy, it is apparent that their audience is a secular audience. That makes sense as this short booklet comprises one of the books in a three part series on "How To Find God." However, although the authors deconstruct the secular viewpoints regarding relationships today and point people to God's way (a much better way), Christians would be helped also by the truths contained therein.

Three short sections are contained in this booklet:

1) Beginning a Marriage
2) Sustaining a Marriage
3) The Destiny of Marriage

I like this book for a variety of reasons. 1) The book holds to a traditional, Biblical viewpoint without speaking "down" to the viewpoint of secular society. 2) The book addresses head on one of the main gods within relationships today - sex. The Kellers approach this subject candidly and yet quite biblically with truths I had not considered before reading this booklet. Again, this will capture the attention of the secular reader and really make him/her think about their approach to sex in the 21st century. 3) The Kellers wrote this book toward the twilight of their life and after 45 years of marriage. In my opinion, anytime someone can speak on a subject with personal experience, it adds that much more authenticity to the subject at hand. 4) The authors continually point the reader to the gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ. They make it clear that no matter how wonderful of a person your spouse (or future spouse) is, that person cannot fulfill you completely. One needs Jesus Christ to do that. Without focusing on Him, the pressure becomes overwhelming on a spouse to meet every need of the other spouse.

I would recommend giving this book away to those folks who are married and those considering marriage.

[Frank Peters · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is another terrific, but small book. It was even better than the first volume on death. I was and am impressed with the amount of teaching and wisdom that the Keller’s were able to insert into such a short volume. They even tackled at least one unusual topic – that of how marriage fits into the new heavens and earth. I am impressed with their treatment.

[Sophie Prestifilippo · Rating 5 out of 5]

Short, sweet & so helpful!

[Bill Pence · Rating 5 out of 5]

On Marriage is book 2 in Timothy Keller’s How to Find God series. This book is co-written with his wife Kathy, and I found it to be the most practical of the three books in the series. The book is dedicated to Dr. R. C. Sproul, who performed the Keller’s wedding forty-five years ago, and got both their theology and marriage going in the right direction. This is the Keller’s third book on marriage, following 2011’s The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God and 2019’s The Meaning of Marriage: A Couple's Devotional: A Year of Daily Devotions.
The authors tell us that younger adults in Western countries today postpone marriage at unprecedented rates. Nearly a third of all millennials in the United States may stay unmarried through age forty, and 25 percent may not marry at all, the highest proportion of any generation in modern history. They look at two reasons that so many marriages never begin: economic stress and the rise of individualism in culture. These two mistaken beliefs about marriage are that it is a drain economically and it is an impediment to the full realization of our freedom and identity.
The book of Genesis tells us that God established marriage even as he created the human race. Marriage was made for us, and the human race was made for marriage. Yet, a fear of strife and marital failure keeps many people from seeking a spouse. Some people assume that if their parents divorced, their own future marriage is much more likely to end in divorce.
The authors give three helpful suggestions on how to begin a marriage:
• Look for another believer, if you are a Christian.
• Look for someone who will still attract you when they lose their youthful looks.
• Get advice from others about your relationship before you proceed to marriage.
They give five helpful suggestions on, once married, how to begin to lay the foundation for a long, rich marriage:
• Never go to bed angry.
• Pray together as your last words of the day.
• Give each other sex often.
• Make deliberate decisions about your family life and traditions.
• Learn each other’s “love languages.”
The authors look at Genesis 2:18–25 to learn what we need for a good marriage over the long run, over decades. They address at how to avoid expecting too much, or too little, from marriage.
They look at how sex, like marriage itself, points to something beyond itself. If we don’t see that and set our hearts on that future, sex and marriage will always bitterly disappoint us. They tell us that it is only if you look beyond the end of your earthly marriage to your union with Christ will you love your husband or wife well.
As to the end of marriage in Heaven, they tell us that everyone will be in the closest possible love relationship with everyone else, because Christ’s perfect love will be flowing in and out of us like a fountain, like a river. The end of your earthly marriage will be nothing less than an entrance into an endless feast, where you will be joined to your earthly partner in ways you could never realize in this world, as well as with all others and with Jesus, “Lover of your soul.”

[Connor Keaveney · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a short, incredibly rich primer on marriage. I needed to be reminded of everything in the book, and found the discussion on eternal relationships relative to marriage as extremely profound.

Helped me see that only the gospel causes me to not idolize my spouse as the ultimate thing while also empowering me to continually love my spouse in an increasing way. The reason is that by being reconciled to Jesus, He is the ultimate treasure in my life not my spouse, while also supplying steadfast love and forgiveness towards me that empowers true love and forgiveness in our marriage, especially when we don’t deserve it.

Also helped me see how highly the Bible speaks about sex. To call it a gift from God that is to be enjoyed/given only in the context of a full life commitment (marriage) puts to shame the view of sex I used to have, where I viewed it as a commodity that didn’t require all of me. You don’t share something so sacred with just anybody.

The book left me realizing that marriage is a journey of continually growing in understanding each other and how to love one another. I should expect marriage to continue to get better as we grow in understanding how to effectively love each other. “I’m 40 years in and we just now think we’re starting to get the hang of marriage”.

Overall, would HIGHLY recommend.

[Sinai C. · Rating 4 out of 5]

A short, little book on marriage. As a relatively newly married woman and a cradle Catholic, it was great to read this Christian perspective of marriage from two people who have been married a looooong time. I like their affirmation that no marriage will be perfect, but we're on a life journey together towards heaven (hopefully!)

My key takeaways were:

1. You don't have to be "you" in this fully formed and perfect way before you're married. You'll be growing and changing over time, WITH your spouse and because of them, and that's normal.

2. Find your own family traditions - you come from one family and your spouse comes from another. Neither way is "correct." You can choose what parts of each to incorporate into your new family.

3. Your spouse is not your end-all-be-all. Only Jesus can truly fill every void in your heart as the perfect bridegroom. But, just like you are human and make mistakes, so is your spouse. Love them as much as possible, but don't put the pressure on them to be perfect because no one is.

4. This one would be more for me, since my husband isn't Christian, but I need to keep God as my rightful center around which to orient the rest of my life and remind me of my ultimate goal, which is perfect marriage in heaven.

[Joe Koehler · Rating 3 out of 5]

I love Keller's writing. And if I'd read straight through this book, as any normal reader would do with so short a book, I'd probably have rated it higher.

This book is helpful, like many other Christian marriage books in setting the goal and direction of marriage not on temporal happiness, but on how it prepares both spouses for eternity. Keller has a way of provoking thought that's helpful here. I acknowledge but still wrestle with this idea of not being married in heaven, and Keller's explanation near the end of the book was thought provoking, at least. I'll need to revisit and think more on this.

One way he argued it was by quoting C.S. Lewis, who said that when one of his two closest friends died, he was never able to see that part of his remaining friend that only his deceased friend was able to draw out. This was Keller's way of whetting one's appetite for heaven, where the fullness and sweetness of someone's soul is drawn out in perfection by the whole host of the community of saints. Will need to think through it more.

Definitely a good read, considering how much depth there is in so few pages.

[Nicholas Schenken · Rating 4 out of 5]

Quick read but it was good. A few points:

1. It is easy for marriage to become an idol because it is easy to turn a great thing into the ultimate thing in your life. “This can lead to many fears, humiliation, and grief. How? You put intolerable pressure on your spouse to always be healthy, happy, happy with you, and affirming. Yet nobody can bear the weight of that level of expectation. Criticism from your spouse can crush you. Problems with your spouse can devastate you. If anything at all goes wrong with your partner, your life may begin to collapse.”

2. The term “helper” does not mean assistant, but rather someone who has a supplementary strength that you don’t have. (I thought this was a cool definition)

3. Sex in marriage is both a pointer to and foretaste of the joy of that perfect future world of love.

4. “…only if you look beyond the end of your earthly marriage to your union with Christ will you love your husband or wife well.”

[Rachel Mellema · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely brilliant. It's incredible how much wisdom, truth, and knowledge is packed into such a small book. Every page is full of insight. Tim Keller has such a clear, compassionate view of marriage and communicates this so well. I wish everyone would read this, it would completely transform how we understand love, relationships, and commitment. A must read for anyone, married or not.

Favourite quotes:
"To be loved and admired but not truly known is only mildly satisfying. To be known but rejected and not loved, is our greatest nightmare. But to become vulnerable and so fully known and yet accepted and fully loved by someone we admire, that is the greatest possible satisfaction."

“I wish we could view consent as something that’s more about care for the other person, the entire person, because I don’t think many of us would say ‘yes’ to the question: Is it ok if I act like I care about you then disappear?”