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Connected Parenting: Set Loving Limits and Build Strong Bonds with Your Child for Life
Read Jennifer Kolari's posts on the Penguin Blog. A groundbreaking, counterintuitive parenting approach to create deep, empathic bonds with challenging children A child and family therapist for more than twenty years, Jennifer Kolari began her career working with children who suffer from severe behavioral problems. That experience taught her an invaluable It wasn't "tough" discipline that helped these kids change their behavior and build self-esteem. It was unending compassion and empathy. Now Kolari applies these lessons in her work with all families, teaching them how to take a non-defensive stance through even the most heated moments. Filled with heartfelt advice, Connected Parenting helps set limits and change problem behaviors for good lower the child's anxiety level stop the endless battles over homework, routines, food, and more learn how to keep cool in any situation Powerful and inspiring, Connected Parenting includes incredible stories from families who have experienced miraculous transformations- often in just a few weeks-using Kolari's parenting approach. It is a dynamic blueprint for bringing peace and loving connections into any family for life.
320 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2009
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Displaying 1 - 27 of 27 reviews
July 23, 2014
Mirroring is amazing. The mirroring you think you're doing is not the mirroring you need to do.
March 9, 2020
What I liked about the book:
- I think the mirroring technique as described is a simple and effective method of reflective listening, which is good practice in all relationships. The author even recommends using the technique on your partner as a way to strengthen your relationship as well as practice. This technique would be especially good, in my opinion, for parents who are practiced at sportscasting, but are struggling as their child grows out of that strategy and finds it patronizing or babyish.
- I really appreciate the suggestion to mirror your child’s positive emotions, as well as negative, to build relationship and share in their joy and excitement.
- In the section about neurodivergencies and learning disabilities, she points out that children who struggle with attention, such as anxious or adhd children, may receive and respond to the mirroring less because they are also receiving so much other stimuli, but that this means a parent should put more effort into mirroring.
- Some of the other strategies she described could also be useful tools in a parenting toolbox. I will list the ones I personally found helpful.
— Baby play: because mirroring is instinctual with babies, playing that an older child is a baby can help to strengthen relationship. This can be as extravagant as literally feeding or swaddling a child while pretending they are a baby, or as simple as singing a lullaby you used to sing when they were a baby, or looking at baby pictures and cooing over them, such as “oh, weren’t you just so cute in that outfit.” The author explains that even teenagers will most likely enjoy being cared for and nurtured, as long as you do it in a way that connects with them, perhaps with humour, or in small ways, and definitely not in front of their friends.
— Frontloading: making clear the parent’s agenda and expectations with a particular task or situation. For example, before going to a restaurant, listing exactly how you expect the child to behave (sitting, eating, indoor voices), what the order of events will be (order drinks, order food, wait eat, order dessert, eat), and what will happen if they cannot meet your expectations (leave).
— Intervention: doing a practice run of a common difficult situation, with frontloading and following through on leaving if they cannot meet expectations. I think this could be useful if truly used as a practice run, but I think it could also easily veer into setting the child up for failure.
— Narrative therapy: helping a child, especially an anxious child separate their identity from their emotions by personifying and naming the emotion. For example, the Worry Bug, or Thunderstorm Guy
— The traffic light system: red-light behaviours are those that may be truly damaging such as hitting or hurting someone’s feelings. They are never ok. Yellow-light issues are things that need to occur with some regularity, but no one will be hurt if they get skipped sometimes to make everyone’s life easier. Examples are bathing, brushing hair, brushing teeth, eating vegetables. Green-light issues are things that parents tend to get frustrated about that really don’t matter in the scheme of things, such as wearing matching clothes, or jumping in puddles. The author recommends talking to your child about this system with your child and deciding together what common issues are red, yellow, or green. Then later, if a situation arises, you may be able to say “that’s a red light” to help your child understand that something is non-negotiable.
— Using humour, imaginative play and rough-housing to diffuse situations
— For anxious or explosive children, she recommends helping them draw a picture of a volcano and labeling inside the volcano things that make them feel like they are going to explode. Then label some pressure vents with examples of soothing activities they can do to help them feel better before they get to the point of exploding, such as asking for a hug, listening to music, or going for a run.
Things I didn’t like or disagreed with:
- The first trouble I had was in the subtitle and was a theme that ran all the way through: the author regularly uses phrases like “transform” or “change” your child or “like a new child”. I understand that the author means to change the child’s difficult behaviour, but for a parent who could already be struggling to accept and understand their challenging child, this language reinforces that the child is a problem and makes it more difficult to see them as a whole and complete human being deserving of respect.
- A few of the strategies offered in the second part of the book included different types of rewards (such as sticker charts, earning a day out, or earning puzzle pieces each time a specific action is completed) even while the author acknowledged the research that indicates that using rewards to motivate behaviour decreases the child’s intrinsic motivation to perform the desired behaviour.
- Along the same lines, throughout the book there was an unacknowledged belief that threatening or enforcing a consequence or offering a reward would somehow magically teach a child self-regulation and impulse control.
- On top of that, some of the consequences she used as examples from her own parenting were incredibly harsh, in my opinion. It was very difficult for me to continue reading after she described how she didn’t allow her 8 year old son to pet the manta rays at sea world as a consequence for his having a meltdown when he couldn’t fold the map up the same way it had been before he unfolded it. It was so unnecessary, in my opinion, to punish a child for being unable to self-regulate in an overstimulating, extra-exciting environment. He needed support, understanding, and a break from the excitement, not punishment.
In conclusion, I really appreciate the step-by-step how-to of this specific style of reflective listening. I have always felt quite awkward attempting both sportscasting and reflective listening. This encouraged me to try again, and I have with some success in really connecting with my child’s emotions. The author even offers a small script if your child tells you that you sound weird! Some of the other strategies in the book may also be helpful for me to keep in mind. Like most parenting systems, though, I will take what I like and leave the rest, especially the harsh consequences and unnecessary rewards.
- I think the mirroring technique as described is a simple and effective method of reflective listening, which is good practice in all relationships. The author even recommends using the technique on your partner as a way to strengthen your relationship as well as practice. This technique would be especially good, in my opinion, for parents who are practiced at sportscasting, but are struggling as their child grows out of that strategy and finds it patronizing or babyish.
- I really appreciate the suggestion to mirror your child’s positive emotions, as well as negative, to build relationship and share in their joy and excitement.
- In the section about neurodivergencies and learning disabilities, she points out that children who struggle with attention, such as anxious or adhd children, may receive and respond to the mirroring less because they are also receiving so much other stimuli, but that this means a parent should put more effort into mirroring.
- Some of the other strategies she described could also be useful tools in a parenting toolbox. I will list the ones I personally found helpful.
— Baby play: because mirroring is instinctual with babies, playing that an older child is a baby can help to strengthen relationship. This can be as extravagant as literally feeding or swaddling a child while pretending they are a baby, or as simple as singing a lullaby you used to sing when they were a baby, or looking at baby pictures and cooing over them, such as “oh, weren’t you just so cute in that outfit.” The author explains that even teenagers will most likely enjoy being cared for and nurtured, as long as you do it in a way that connects with them, perhaps with humour, or in small ways, and definitely not in front of their friends.
— Frontloading: making clear the parent’s agenda and expectations with a particular task or situation. For example, before going to a restaurant, listing exactly how you expect the child to behave (sitting, eating, indoor voices), what the order of events will be (order drinks, order food, wait eat, order dessert, eat), and what will happen if they cannot meet your expectations (leave).
— Intervention: doing a practice run of a common difficult situation, with frontloading and following through on leaving if they cannot meet expectations. I think this could be useful if truly used as a practice run, but I think it could also easily veer into setting the child up for failure.
— Narrative therapy: helping a child, especially an anxious child separate their identity from their emotions by personifying and naming the emotion. For example, the Worry Bug, or Thunderstorm Guy
— The traffic light system: red-light behaviours are those that may be truly damaging such as hitting or hurting someone’s feelings. They are never ok. Yellow-light issues are things that need to occur with some regularity, but no one will be hurt if they get skipped sometimes to make everyone’s life easier. Examples are bathing, brushing hair, brushing teeth, eating vegetables. Green-light issues are things that parents tend to get frustrated about that really don’t matter in the scheme of things, such as wearing matching clothes, or jumping in puddles. The author recommends talking to your child about this system with your child and deciding together what common issues are red, yellow, or green. Then later, if a situation arises, you may be able to say “that’s a red light” to help your child understand that something is non-negotiable.
— Using humour, imaginative play and rough-housing to diffuse situations
— For anxious or explosive children, she recommends helping them draw a picture of a volcano and labeling inside the volcano things that make them feel like they are going to explode. Then label some pressure vents with examples of soothing activities they can do to help them feel better before they get to the point of exploding, such as asking for a hug, listening to music, or going for a run.
Things I didn’t like or disagreed with:
- The first trouble I had was in the subtitle and was a theme that ran all the way through: the author regularly uses phrases like “transform” or “change” your child or “like a new child”. I understand that the author means to change the child’s difficult behaviour, but for a parent who could already be struggling to accept and understand their challenging child, this language reinforces that the child is a problem and makes it more difficult to see them as a whole and complete human being deserving of respect.
- A few of the strategies offered in the second part of the book included different types of rewards (such as sticker charts, earning a day out, or earning puzzle pieces each time a specific action is completed) even while the author acknowledged the research that indicates that using rewards to motivate behaviour decreases the child’s intrinsic motivation to perform the desired behaviour.
- Along the same lines, throughout the book there was an unacknowledged belief that threatening or enforcing a consequence or offering a reward would somehow magically teach a child self-regulation and impulse control.
- On top of that, some of the consequences she used as examples from her own parenting were incredibly harsh, in my opinion. It was very difficult for me to continue reading after she described how she didn’t allow her 8 year old son to pet the manta rays at sea world as a consequence for his having a meltdown when he couldn’t fold the map up the same way it had been before he unfolded it. It was so unnecessary, in my opinion, to punish a child for being unable to self-regulate in an overstimulating, extra-exciting environment. He needed support, understanding, and a break from the excitement, not punishment.
In conclusion, I really appreciate the step-by-step how-to of this specific style of reflective listening. I have always felt quite awkward attempting both sportscasting and reflective listening. This encouraged me to try again, and I have with some success in really connecting with my child’s emotions. The author even offers a small script if your child tells you that you sound weird! Some of the other strategies in the book may also be helpful for me to keep in mind. Like most parenting systems, though, I will take what I like and leave the rest, especially the harsh consequences and unnecessary rewards.
April 26, 2021
This book was recommended to me by my pediatrician because my daughter has some anxiety issues, and at times it is hard to know how to calm her fears. Kolari's CALM technique (which is basically empathy) works really well.
Connect
Affect (your voice/manner should match your child's without being comical)
Listen
Mirror
When you do this, you are essentially "mirroring" and helping to de-escalate your child. After your child is "calm" and not in "fight or flight" mode (rational), you tell your child the behavior you expect, and then you follow through with a consequence when needed. This technique of showing empathy is very affective...and it's something I **thought** I was already doing with my child, but I wasn't. Furthermore, I have also been trying the CALM technique with my 11 year old sonl, and I hope to see more positive effects with him (so far it seems to be working, and we're trying to "re-connect").
Simply put, this book offers some good parenting tools and would help in almost any situation if applied correctly. Kids need to feel connected to their parents and be treated with respect, but they also need boundaries and to know their parents are in charge. It really is common sense when you think about it, but also not necessarily intuitive. In addition to liking the CALM technique, I really appreciate what she says about not being your child's "cheerleader."
Example: "Mom, I'm really sad because at lunch I thought we were having tacos, but instead we had cheese quesadillas!" Me: Instead of saying, "Oh, that's not that big of a deal! You like cheese quesadillas, too!" If I was mirroring and using the CALM technique I'd say, "What? You didn't have tacos? You were so excited to have tacos today - that must have been very upsetting!" Who knows exactly how my daughter will then react, but at least I am validating her, and likely she will cease to be upset. It takes more thought, but I think it's the love, compassion, and connectivity our children need. It's not perfect, and there are some grey areas, but it is definitely a good technique and achievable. I am listening to her podcast to hear more pointers and get some more refreshers.
Connect
Affect (your voice/manner should match your child's without being comical)
Listen
Mirror
When you do this, you are essentially "mirroring" and helping to de-escalate your child. After your child is "calm" and not in "fight or flight" mode (rational), you tell your child the behavior you expect, and then you follow through with a consequence when needed. This technique of showing empathy is very affective...and it's something I **thought** I was already doing with my child, but I wasn't. Furthermore, I have also been trying the CALM technique with my 11 year old sonl, and I hope to see more positive effects with him (so far it seems to be working, and we're trying to "re-connect").
Simply put, this book offers some good parenting tools and would help in almost any situation if applied correctly. Kids need to feel connected to their parents and be treated with respect, but they also need boundaries and to know their parents are in charge. It really is common sense when you think about it, but also not necessarily intuitive. In addition to liking the CALM technique, I really appreciate what she says about not being your child's "cheerleader."
Example: "Mom, I'm really sad because at lunch I thought we were having tacos, but instead we had cheese quesadillas!" Me: Instead of saying, "Oh, that's not that big of a deal! You like cheese quesadillas, too!" If I was mirroring and using the CALM technique I'd say, "What? You didn't have tacos? You were so excited to have tacos today - that must have been very upsetting!" Who knows exactly how my daughter will then react, but at least I am validating her, and likely she will cease to be upset. It takes more thought, but I think it's the love, compassion, and connectivity our children need. It's not perfect, and there are some grey areas, but it is definitely a good technique and achievable. I am listening to her podcast to hear more pointers and get some more refreshers.
Read
April 26, 2021This book was recommended to me by my pediatrician because my daughter has some anxiety issues, and at times it is hard to know how to calm her fears. Kolari's CALM technique (which is basically empathy) works really well.
Connect
Affect (your voice/manner should match your child's without being comical)
Listen
Mirror
When you do this, you are essentially "mirroring" and helping to de-escalate your child. After your child is "calm" and not in "fight or flight" mode (rational), you tell your child the behavior you expect, and then you follow through with a consequence when needed. This technique of showing empathy is very affective...and it's something I **thought** I was already doing with my child, but I wasn't. Furthermore, I have been trying the CALM technique with my 11 year old son as well, and I hope to see more positive effects with him as well.
Simply put, this book offers some good parenting tools and would help in almost any situation if applied correctly. Kids need to feel connected to their parents and treated with respect, but they also need boundaries and to know their parents are in charge. It really is common sense when you think about it, but also not necessarily intuitive. In addition to liking the CALM technique, I really appreciate what she says about not being your child's "cheerleader."
Example: "Mom, I'm really sad because at lunch I thought we were having tacos, but instead we had cheese quesadillas!" Me: Instead of saying, "Oh, that's not that big of a deal! You like cheese quesadillas, too!" If I was mirroring and using the CALM technique I'd say, "What? You didn't have tacos? You were so excited to have tacos today - that must have been very upsetting!" Who knows exactly how my daughter will then react, but at least I am validating her, and likely she will cease to be upset. It takes more thought, but I think it's the love, compassion, and connectivity our children need. It's not perfect, and there are some grey areas, but it is definitely a good technique and achievable. I am listening to her podcast to hear more pointers and get some more refreshers.
Connect
Affect (your voice/manner should match your child's without being comical)
Listen
Mirror
When you do this, you are essentially "mirroring" and helping to de-escalate your child. After your child is "calm" and not in "fight or flight" mode (rational), you tell your child the behavior you expect, and then you follow through with a consequence when needed. This technique of showing empathy is very affective...and it's something I **thought** I was already doing with my child, but I wasn't. Furthermore, I have been trying the CALM technique with my 11 year old son as well, and I hope to see more positive effects with him as well.
Simply put, this book offers some good parenting tools and would help in almost any situation if applied correctly. Kids need to feel connected to their parents and treated with respect, but they also need boundaries and to know their parents are in charge. It really is common sense when you think about it, but also not necessarily intuitive. In addition to liking the CALM technique, I really appreciate what she says about not being your child's "cheerleader."
Example: "Mom, I'm really sad because at lunch I thought we were having tacos, but instead we had cheese quesadillas!" Me: Instead of saying, "Oh, that's not that big of a deal! You like cheese quesadillas, too!" If I was mirroring and using the CALM technique I'd say, "What? You didn't have tacos? You were so excited to have tacos today - that must have been very upsetting!" Who knows exactly how my daughter will then react, but at least I am validating her, and likely she will cease to be upset. It takes more thought, but I think it's the love, compassion, and connectivity our children need. It's not perfect, and there are some grey areas, but it is definitely a good technique and achievable. I am listening to her podcast to hear more pointers and get some more refreshers.
August 1, 2018
This is a game-changer book, so 5 stars for content!
I cried when I read the introduction. I apparently have a difficult child. He’s got so many great qualities, one of which is that he is a “gladiator:” it doesn’t matter how firm I am on something this guy challenges it over and over and over, making transitions pretty difficult for us. But since reading this and having my parenting be more in line with what Kolari recommends, we have a much easier time and better relationship. I think reading half of the book was good enough to get what I needed out of it. This is different from anything I've read, but totally in line. I with every parent would read that first half!
Here are my highlights:
- The premise is that you "mirror" your older children just like we did when they were infants (like in Baby Hearts), then after you basically show them you really are listening and understand where they're coming from, you present the problem and offer/come to solutions.
- Mirroring is: You get on their level. You align your body language & tone of voice with theirs. You commiserate with them a little. What you say is important, getting the examples from the book is helpful to understand what to say. Basically you are validating their feelings but not necessarily taking them on as your own, showing them you understand what they’re saying so they can stop trying to make their point.
- Mirror for good things! The more you mirror in good situations, the better your connection with your kid will be, they less they will need you to mirror in tough situations.
- Baby play – be playful. Feed the child within.
- Limits are super important. Think of walking around blind in a room trying to find where the walls were. If the walls were constantly moving (very flexible or inconsistent limits) then it would be super anxiety-inducing. But if you always knew where the walls were, that would be comforting. Anxious children feel terrible and make your life painful. Having firm limits is kind.
I cried when I read the introduction. I apparently have a difficult child. He’s got so many great qualities, one of which is that he is a “gladiator:” it doesn’t matter how firm I am on something this guy challenges it over and over and over, making transitions pretty difficult for us. But since reading this and having my parenting be more in line with what Kolari recommends, we have a much easier time and better relationship. I think reading half of the book was good enough to get what I needed out of it. This is different from anything I've read, but totally in line. I with every parent would read that first half!
Here are my highlights:
- The premise is that you "mirror" your older children just like we did when they were infants (like in Baby Hearts), then after you basically show them you really are listening and understand where they're coming from, you present the problem and offer/come to solutions.
- Mirroring is: You get on their level. You align your body language & tone of voice with theirs. You commiserate with them a little. What you say is important, getting the examples from the book is helpful to understand what to say. Basically you are validating their feelings but not necessarily taking them on as your own, showing them you understand what they’re saying so they can stop trying to make their point.
- Mirror for good things! The more you mirror in good situations, the better your connection with your kid will be, they less they will need you to mirror in tough situations.
- Baby play – be playful. Feed the child within.
- Limits are super important. Think of walking around blind in a room trying to find where the walls were. If the walls were constantly moving (very flexible or inconsistent limits) then it would be super anxiety-inducing. But if you always knew where the walls were, that would be comforting. Anxious children feel terrible and make your life painful. Having firm limits is kind.
September 28, 2017
Just about to finish this excellent book on parenting. It avoids the pitfalls of the child centred approach — where kids feel untethered because they have no boundaries — and the authoritarian approach to parenting — where kids feel unheard, misunderstood and forced to fit in with the parents agenda. The writer argues that parents must have clear expectations and follow through with discipline but she says that must be done in the context of emotional connection with your child. The writer uses the acronym CALM as her approach to building emotional connection:
- Connect emotionally
- match the Affect of the child
- Listen to what he or she is really saying
- Mirror or reflect the emotion back to show true understanding
The book is a mixture of helpful theory and practical examples which show how to implement the model with your own kids.
It's not a Christian parenting book, and I disagreed with a couple of things, but overall it's very helpful and has already changed our parenting and marriage (the CALM model can easily be used for any relationship) for the better. Highly encourage everyone to read it.
- Connect emotionally
- match the Affect of the child
- Listen to what he or she is really saying
- Mirror or reflect the emotion back to show true understanding
The book is a mixture of helpful theory and practical examples which show how to implement the model with your own kids.
It's not a Christian parenting book, and I disagreed with a couple of things, but overall it's very helpful and has already changed our parenting and marriage (the CALM model can easily be used for any relationship) for the better. Highly encourage everyone to read it.
May 2, 2023
Pg xxiii mirroring-reflecting what your child is feeling without defending or explaining yourself-
- Don’t say “you must feel…”
- Don’t try to fix or observe instead JOIN with them in the experience
- Don’t speculate on what they’re feeling-you don’t know
Pg 31 CALM
- Connect-be as serious as they are, not “it sounds like” or “that must make you feel…”. DON’T give examples from your own life-don’t make it about you.
- Affect-match the urgency of their display of emotion, body language, tone of voice, etc
- Listen
- Mirror not “that must be really hard for you” but “wow-how frustrating that happened! You were just trying to __ and suddenly had to __when you weren’t prepared.” Be in their shoes having the experience (but not out of control)
HONEST OPINION
This is bullshit.
I can’t do this so it won’t work.
Bye.
- Don’t say “you must feel…”
- Don’t try to fix or observe instead JOIN with them in the experience
- Don’t speculate on what they’re feeling-you don’t know
Pg 31 CALM
- Connect-be as serious as they are, not “it sounds like” or “that must make you feel…”. DON’T give examples from your own life-don’t make it about you.
- Affect-match the urgency of their display of emotion, body language, tone of voice, etc
- Listen
- Mirror not “that must be really hard for you” but “wow-how frustrating that happened! You were just trying to __ and suddenly had to __when you weren’t prepared.” Be in their shoes having the experience (but not out of control)
HONEST OPINION
This is bullshit.
I can’t do this so it won’t work.
Bye.
February 26, 2019
Best parenting book I’ve read so far. Effective techniques that evoke the best of ourselves and children. Mirroring is an incredible social strategy, one that calls on our deep empathy for others and helps us navigate them through tough, but momentary emotional challenges.
July 31, 2020
I think this would have been a much better tool when my kids were younger. I did find the idea of the techniques very helpful and they were presented in a clear way.
Read
December 4, 2020Parenting books are tacky and I hate them.
December 24, 2021
How I wish I had this so much sooner. It’s an amazing parenting and relationship text. Kolari’s podcast is also excellent.
June 19, 2022
So many great ideas in this book to mirror with your children and connect with them!
April 29, 2014
I actually went to a parenting lecture where Jennifer Kolari was speaking and it was fantastic which is why I read the book to gain a greater understanding of mirroring and I found this part of the book excellent. I have used this skill (although I'm still practicing) with amazing effect. I really loved this part of the book and found it much more helpful then some of the techniques from How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk.
However, I did find the consequences step convincing and it doesn't look like she researched the effects of consequences (light punishments) and rewarding children as she did to why mirroring works. She has a degree in psychology but did not research the many articles on how punishments and rewards actually harm children and adults. She only cites one article that fits with her theory.
Another criticism, I have with this book is that a lot of it deals with how to control your child but not how to work with your child. For example her scenario of a parent trying to have her child put on her raincoat in order to go to the store. She reminds the parent to do her three mirroring statements then demand the child to put on the coat. Throughout the book most of the problem solving come from the parent. Why does she not encourage the parent to help the child problem solve with them? This technique is used in both books How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk and Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason. Perhaps the child could come up with a reasonable solution to the problem, but throughout the book Kolari always has the parent presenting the solution.
The other problem I had with this book was I found she used sweeping generalizations on boys and girl. Such as girls love to decorate these with stickers and boys like to call their emotions names like 'volcanox' etc. And I found the section on gifted children particularly annoying....I'm not sure this was written with any factual references as it read as anecdotal generalizations.
I will keep mirroring, but I will not use any of the other advise she gives in the books. The books 'How to talk...' and 'Unconditional Parenting...' will be my point of reference.
However, I did find the consequences step convincing and it doesn't look like she researched the effects of consequences (light punishments) and rewarding children as she did to why mirroring works. She has a degree in psychology but did not research the many articles on how punishments and rewards actually harm children and adults. She only cites one article that fits with her theory.
Another criticism, I have with this book is that a lot of it deals with how to control your child but not how to work with your child. For example her scenario of a parent trying to have her child put on her raincoat in order to go to the store. She reminds the parent to do her three mirroring statements then demand the child to put on the coat. Throughout the book most of the problem solving come from the parent. Why does she not encourage the parent to help the child problem solve with them? This technique is used in both books How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk and Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason. Perhaps the child could come up with a reasonable solution to the problem, but throughout the book Kolari always has the parent presenting the solution.
The other problem I had with this book was I found she used sweeping generalizations on boys and girl. Such as girls love to decorate these with stickers and boys like to call their emotions names like 'volcanox' etc. And I found the section on gifted children particularly annoying....I'm not sure this was written with any factual references as it read as anecdotal generalizations.
I will keep mirroring, but I will not use any of the other advise she gives in the books. The books 'How to talk...' and 'Unconditional Parenting...' will be my point of reference.
October 22, 2011
I heard a lot of positive reviews about this book, but in the end, it taught me nothing I didn't already know. I found the author did not add original perspective to anything. It was a regurgitation of what's already out there. My hunch is that it got a lot of positive reviews because it tries to find a happy medium between the tension parents experience in building connection with their kids and also having kids meet behavioural expectations. But she is shallow and does not go into the contradictions inherent in her advise. Overall I found it to be very shallow without much critical thought. A waste of my time.
March 26, 2013
A-MAZ-ING! I will be purchasing this book asap. I loved this book in the way that I loved Hold Onto Your Kids. It presents a philosophy that reinforced what I already believed and tried to do on an instinctual, basic level, but fleshes out actual techniques and examples. I love Kolari's view of parenting and child behaviour. She also deals with special situations such as anxiety, bedtimes, ADHD etc. An amazing book that will really help you to create strong, lasting bonds with your children.
July 22, 2009
This is a great book on parenting. Kolari does a wonderful job of explaining how to deal with children in difficult situations. She explains the process you should go through and gives examples of how to use her techniques in different situations. I'm not a parent yet, so I don't know whether any of these techniques actually work, but I certainly hope to give them a try.
February 12, 2013
Thankfully, I don't have problem children, but I still found this book incredibly enlightening. I really connected with the mirroring and responding with empathy aspect. I've noticed when I use these skills with my 6 year old boy, he really responds well. Kids really need to feel heard, and this book just gives you that kick in the butt we need to realize how important that is.
February 7, 2016
This is truly a life changing book for me as a parent and in a teacher role at work/camp. She gives excellent skills to help you deal with challenging children and build bonds for life. I cannot recommend this book enough and I had the privilege of hearing Jennifer speak at a conference which only made reading this an enriched experience.
June 2, 2012
An OK parenting book. It has a concept of 'mirroring and matching' the child's behavior as a vehicle to connect with the child's emotions and consequently influence their behavior in a positive way. A few nuggets, lots of repetition and case examples throughout the book.
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September 6, 2023Remember to play, show empathy and compassion, apply the golden rule, choose your battles, maintain boundaries, and respect the little person in your life..If only it were so easy. Which is why I like this book. So far it's given me some great strategies.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
July 6, 2015
This is my favorite of all parenting books! And I've read many. I have three highly spirited, creative, emotionally intense children and nothing has been more helpful, wise, or practical for me in helping me to walk this path of helping them become adults. I highly recommend reading this!
Currently reading
March 25, 2010Reading this for work -- NOT b/c I plan to be a parent anytime soon. It's a very kind and compassionate approach. If I was a parent...I'd try and follow her advice...
December 5, 2011
Not quite finished, but I already love this book and have ordered a copy so that I can reread it again.
March 15, 2015
Every parent should read this and keep it for reference forever.
May 15, 2015
I NEVER read this kind of stuff. This really gave me a lot to think about and I am going to read it again.
April 21, 2016
Good reminders and easy-to-follow strategies.
March 10, 2012
One of my favourite parenting books.
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