The Five Minute Iliad Other Instant Classics

by Greg Nagan

Was Homer really blind, or was that just his shtick? Was Dante a righty or a lefty? Why aren't there any pictures of Jane Austen in a bikini? What made Oscar so Wilde? How much did Hemingway? These are just some of the many great questions of Western literature ignored in this book.

From the author of A Prairie Home Companion's beloved "Five-Minute Classics" comes The Five-Minute Iliad and Other Instant Classics, a witty and profane lampoon of the Western literary canon — the Spinal Tap of literature.

"I will never write such wordy trash again," Leo Tolstoy said of War and Peace after reading Homer in the original Greek. Tolstoy's pledge inspired humorist Greg Nagan to whet his double-edged verbal sword and offer this gleefully twisted take on what contemporary readings of the Great Books say about our society today.

From The Iliad to On the Road, these fifteen parodies provide a riotous romp through Western civilization (one version of it, anyway) from Homer to Kerouac, from Ancient Greece to Postwar America, from the Lyrical Epic to the Breathless Gush. Nagan's mirthful mayhem will delight those who've read the Great Books, and those who haven't read them will find these literary caricatures entertaining in their own right.

Genres: Humor, Classics, Fiction, Books About Books, Literature, Historical Fiction, Short Stories

224 pages, Paperback

First published August 28, 2000

Reviews

[Trekscribbler · Rating 3 out of 5]

THE FIVE MINUTE ILIAD is definitely funny if ... you've read the classic upon which the 5-minute translation is based. If you haven't, THE 5-MINUTE ILIAD AND OTHER INSTANT CLASSICS still provide plenty of merriment -- with maybe a touch of confusion. (In particular, Bram Stoker's "Dracula" is an absolute howler and George Orwell's "1984" might even have you running to pick up a copy of the original to find all of the hints.) While a few of the 'instant classics' do feel like one-note jokes that go on for several pages, it's still all in good fun at no one's expense ... other than a few of civilization's most revered authors. Nagan's observation's about Western Civilization and the expanse of its subsequent culture, however, are perhaps the finest notes of pure mirth in the book ... I'd almost wish he'd dedicate a book to that subject alone!

[Kate · Rating 3 out of 5]

This got a bit tiresome by the end (but that also might be because the books being parodied got a bit tiresome too (no offense!!): The Old Man and The Sea, On the Road). But some of these did make me LOL, such as the 5-minute Sense and Sensibility, A Christmas Carol, and Crime and Punishment. I think these worked for me largely because I already kind of knew the stories, and Nagan threw in some genuinely funny twists.

Anyway, thanks to Ari for introducing this old favorite of his, so I could read something light between *serious* books.

[Linda · Rating 3 out of 5]

Having read this, I no longer feel the necessity to read Beowulf, Ulysses, and other so-called "classics". Thank you, Mr. Nagan.

A few notes: "June 16 came and went in Dublin." Shortest synopsis in history. Re: Ulysses.

Re: Madame Bovary. I'm not sure whether this was intentional, but the author consistently used the word "chapeau" (hat) where "chateau" (castle) should have been used. Rather annoying.

[Trudy Nye · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very clever and humorous (although often very subtly) treatment of 15 classics of literature. Students: do not let this be a substitute for reading the Cliff's Notes or even (gasp!) the actual works themselves.

[Dwayne Coleman · Rating 3 out of 5]

Funny, if a little silly in places.

[Shar · Rating 3 out of 5]

Amusing for an English Major who has already read the works discussed, but not sure it holds up if you haven’t read the pieces discussed. Ends up being a long inside joke.

[Vikram Nijhawan · Rating 4 out of 5]

A more comedic -- albeit less informative -- alternative to Sparknotes.

[behsforensics]

Cutting is for 1984 by George Orwell
By Greg Nagan

[Tracy Yim Lee · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don't think I've ever laughed so hard at brief summaries of the classics. Hilariously accurate recaps that poke fun at the greatest stories and novels of our time. I occasionally re-read this and it's STILL FUNNY each time.

[Stephen Gallup · Rating 3 out of 5]

I began with mixed feelings about the idea of irreverent summaries of classics of Western literature. But I'm not above having fun with the material, and noted the author's effort at preserving something of the original language use, and so enjoyed the first few selections.

From The Iliad:
"Achilles loved Patroclus--not like that,
but you know, the way guys love each other--
and he didn't want Patroclus to die,
so he told him: 'Listen. Take my armor. Take my men.
Fight the Trojans, kick their butts. But I won't fight,
I can't fight, until Agamemnon say's he's sorry--
and he can't just say it, he has to really mean it.'
And Patroclus was like, 'Okay, cool.'
And Achilles said, 'One more thing:
don't mess with Hector. I mean it.'
And Patroclus was all, whatever.

Then, from Paradise Lost:
"Saieth Adam, 'Thou hast sealed thy Doom,
Brought the Disfavor of our Creator
Upon thyself, O wretched woman!"
Saith Eve unto him, 'Yes, mine love,
Yes! 'Tis true, I am wretched, I am weak,
And therefore cannot suffer this alone:
If you really loved me you'd eat some too.'"

Humor, however, is tricky. This kind can pale after a few pages, especially if the author lets slip hints that he might feel a little superior to his subject matter. Perhaps if I'd read this in small doses I'd have been more tolerant.

My smiles began to feel strained during the send-up of Sense and Sensibility. And my biggest single gripe? Nagan ought simply to have skipped Ulysses altogether if, as appears to be the case, he didn't feel equal to the challenge.

On the other hand, the treatment of A Christmas Carol was probably his most clever. The ghosts who visit Scrooge bring not scenes from past, present and future but rather excerpts from other Dickens novels. I was reminded fleetingly of Jasper Fforde's "Thursday Next" series.

In the end, I still have misgivings about this project in general and Nagan's supposedly witty commentary about Western Civ in particular. This, I presume, has the general flavor of today's humanities college curricula, which might be connected to the plummeting interest being shown in such majors. Meh. Better get down off the stump before this degenerates into more of a rant.

[Paul Sand · Rating 3 out of 5]

[Imported automatically from my blog. Some formatting there may not have translated here.]

Another deep dive into the non-fiction TBR pile. (I'm really making inroads! Only 15 books on there now!) The copyright on this book is 2000, and I think I got it for a Christmas present sometime after that. Thanks much, to whoever gave it to me.

It is a collection of 15 brief parodies of literary works, starting with—guess what—the Iliad. Each is written (sort of) in the style of the parodied work. I had previously read 7 of the target texts, but this didn't seem to affect how much I was amused by Nagan's takes, one way or the other.

I found the results uneven, but I wouldn't be surprised if other readers were amused (or not) by pieces that left me cold (or found me chuckling). Humor is funny that way. In addition to humor being funny in the "ha ha" way.

For example, I liked this from the 1984 chapter:

WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH
BUT DIAMONDS ARE A GIRL'S BEST FRIEND

… but I got all the way through the Sense and Sensibility chapter without cracking a grin.

Also good: The Divine Comedy written in limericks. The inscription on the gate of Hell:

COME THROUGH ME TO THE SORROWFUL CITY.
COME THROUGH ME AND FORGET ABOUT PITY.
 EVERY LAST DOPE
 MUST ABANDON ALL HOPE
WHEN THEY PASS ON INTO ETERNITY.

This made me wonder if Nagan had written anything else. Nothing I can find. Maybe he's living off the royalties of this book; it's still in print. He has a long-defunct website justmorons.com, and seems to have moved to Denmark. (Maybe he's researching a parody of Hamlet.)

[MsBrie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Did you skip reading Crime and Punishment, 1984, and Sense and Sensibility? Have you made it your personal goal to never read the Iliad? Then this book is for you. Nagan expertly cuts all the unimportant stuff out of the classics, shortens them so you can read them in only 5 minutes each, and adds a bit of humor so you actually want to read them. I tested my new familiarity with the classics by discussing The Iliad with a friend who was taking Great Books. She couldn’t tell I’d never actually read it! This book allows average people to experience the classics without actually reading them. The 5 Minute Iliad was hilarious and I feel 1000 times smarter after reading it. Now I can expertly discuss the plots from Dracula, The Old Man and the Sea, Catcher in the Rye and other ordinarily dull classics. Whether you’ve never read these novels or you’d like to read the short satirical versions, The 5 Minute Iliad is an excellent read.

[Jen3n · Rating 3 out of 5]

A very cute and highly intelligent sum-up/send-up of some of the great works in Western Literature. Some of my favorites from this book include the condensed version of Dante Alighieri's Inferno (written in limrick form), and James Joyce's Ulysses (summed up for this book in one sentence.

A quote from the back flap calls this book gentle and weird, and to that I'd like to add clever and suprising.

Recommended, if you like this sort of thing.

[Alex · Rating 3 out of 5]

Putting humor in long-form becomes problematic for me because once you "get" the joke, you keep rehashing it page after page after page, so there was some staleness to 5-Minute Iliad once I got into the pattern of Nagan's humor. On the other hand, since it was broken up into short stories it minimized the monotony of the humor. On a third hand, if I were some three-handed beast, the final chapters about "On the Road" and "Catcher in the Rye" felt like his weakest efforts, so I kind of ended the book with not the best warm and fuzzy feeling. And if I had a bonus hand, this book really makes me wanna read Dorian Gray because it sounds awesome!

[Kate N · Rating 3 out of 5]

I picked up this book for my kids to read, thinking it would be a brief telling of some classics. I'm glad I read it first because it really isn't appropriate for kids. They wouldn't understand this type of humor and there is some crass-ness.
I had previously read only 3 of these 15 classics and those were actually quite humorous in the way it was retold. But it was hard to understand the humor in the other stories when I didn't know the story very well, so I got a little bored.
I think if you know these stories already, you might enjoy this twist.

[Jay · Rating 4 out of 5]

I can't speak for anyone who is reading these excellent parodies without having read the originals, but for someone who has read these books... this is really enjoyable. The author does a great job of capturing the flavor of each story, putting in in a humorous context (with tendrils of reality), including a quote from the book itself, and getting all that work done in just a few pages. I liked all of them so much... Dracula might have been my favorite, but they are all so well done. My only complaint: I wanted more.

[Elhana · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thoroughly enjoyed this book. Although it seems like this books introduces you to classics, it is best enjoyed to know the classics first. That way you'd *get* the joke. My favourites are probably "Crime and Punishment" (Rasholnikov Sonofabich) with all its depressing Russian life, "Paradise Lost," and the most surprising of all, "Ulysses." But the awesome part of all is definitely "The Five-Minute History of Western Civ." I highly recommend you to read this book if you're familiar with the history of Western Civilisation and of course Western literature.

[Tricia · Rating 1 out of 5]

Ok, I admit, sometimes I am a cheater and want to know the stories of all the great classics, but not go to all of the work. That is why I checked this book out.
The author is very negative. His work is full of swear words, tongue in cheek antagonisms of all of the works. There are nude drawings at the beginning of a number of the stories.

I guess I might have to go to more work to actually enjoy the classics. I would not recommend this one.

[Adam · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book kicks a lot of butt. Playful recreations of classic books in a more modern attention span. My favorite is "1984." It opens up, more or less, saying "everything in the future sucks," and it was enough to get me rolling.

let's see, catcher in the rye, iliad, Joyce's ulysses, and about ten others i can't remember cause i read this ages ago.

[Z · Rating 5 out of 5]

I enjoy this book quite a bit. I've read it several times, which has to mean something. It's particularly amusing if you're familiar with the work being parodied, though - at least in the case of Crime and Punishment - it's the parody that encouraged me to read the actual work, if only because it seemed like it would be hilarious.

[Elizabeth · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is book 1 for week "five". It is a kind of hit and miss set of paraphrased classics. I loved Nagan's brief overview of western history, and his versions of: The Inferno (in limericks), 1984, Dracula, and Ulyses. His versions of Sense and Sensibility and A Christmas Carol were less entertaining.

[D Books · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hilarious! I read this book years ago when it first came out and it just tickled me to death! Picture a comedian trying to tell you about different works of historic literature and this is it. You will not be disappointed! I just wish that this author would have continued to write more funny books like this.

[Phil Wardlow · Rating 3 out of 5]

This had some charm. The way Mr. Nagan chose to write his "synopsis", in the style of the original author, was clever and some were very good. This would have been a better book for me had I read most of the books listed. As it was, I found the books I had read to be well covered in an entertaining fashion.

[April · Rating 4 out of 5]

A clever, artistic re-write of a good-sized handful of "Lit Classics" in very quick, amusing, and intriguing ways. A few are almost as good as a Thug Notes riff on the story; some are just down-right funny (even if you HAVEN'T read the classic in question) and a few actually made me want to maybe pick up the riffed-on classic to read it for real. Definitely worth the read :)

[Leslie · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a fun read. It was fun to read the satiric summaries of books I had read in high school in college. I laughed so hard at the synopsis of Ulysses b/c I had to read that in college and it made no sense at the time. The Five-Minute Iliad cleared that one up for me.

[Joey Pruger · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hilarious. Not only are a number of western civilization's classics summarized and spoofed, but he writes each one in the style of the original. My personal favorites are his takes on Paradise Lost and Ulysses.

[Kat · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have only read a couple of the works that these humorous abridgements were based on, but I can say that Dracula and The Metamorphosis were very accurate indeed. My favorite is still probably the Iliad, but the Inferno done in limerick form is also quite excellent.

[Paul Bard · Rating 3 out of 5]

A pleasant, humorous, diverting half-hour read. Good fun. The Illiad translation is the best, and the others at least are better introductions to the classics than the dreary scholarly intros that Penguin Books do, where they name everything bad about the book and spoil the ending.

[William Sariego · Rating 4 out of 5]

You have to be familiar with the classics of Western literature or much of the humor will be lost. If you are at least passingly familiar, and have a sense of humor, this is a wonderful, light read that will cause a grin or two.

[Molly McBisterson · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was supposed to be funny. It really wasn't.