The Tender Parts: A Guide to Healing from Trauma through Internal Family Systems Therapy

by Ilyse Kennedy

If we look deeply enough, we can connect to all the parts within us. Ten years ago, Ilyse Kennedy was a disconnected twenty-something, sitting on a therapy couch, a client grappling with her own trauma recovery. Now, as a trauma therapist, Kennedy shows up with a calming presence, ready to attune to her treasured clients. Those who meet her now might be surprised to know that this twenty-something still lives within her, sometimes awakening in response to the familiar. She also has a people pleaser , who caters to the needs of others for self-protection. Then there is the therapist within her, who offers tools and solutions for the clients across from her. The twenty-something , people pleaser , and therapist are all parts within her—they are adaptations she formed in response to traumas—who show up to aid her in interacting with the outside world. In The Tender Parts , part memoir, part self-help, Kennedy leads you through the process of meeting, embracing, and tending to your own parts through the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS), a form of therapy that explores the parts within us all. With meditations, exercises, and an introduction to her own parts, she provides you with an opportunity to get to know the parts within yourself, offer them compassion, and relieve them of their burdens so you can heal your inner wounds and be more attuned to the Self . As you meet Kennedy’s parts, your understanding and knowledge of your own parts will deepen, allowing you to reconnect with your center and approach the world with openhearted joy.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Counselling, Self Help, Mental Health, Social Work

174 pages, Paperback

Published November 1, 2022

Reviews

[Jason Pettus · Rating 5 out of 5]

2023 reads, #96. In the last year of my therapy sessions, I've been starting to use the relatively brand-new Internal Family Systems (IFS) methodology of therapy more and more; and I've been responding to it really well, so I'm always excited to see a new book come out about this process, one that doesn't yet have a lot of documentation. For those unfamiliar with this style of therapy, it shares many of the same basic assumptions about physiology that Michael Pollan posits in his landmark book on psychedelics and the human brain, 2018's How to Change Your Mind (my review); basically, that the brain can be thought of like an orchestra with many sections (or "parts" of an "internal family" in IFS lingo), and that there's one section that acts as the orchestra's conductor, making sure all the other sections work in harmony (known as the "default mode network" in Pollan's book and the "Self" in IFS), the same section that medical professionals call the "consciousness," sociologists call our "personality," and religious people call the "soul."

The main theory behind IFS therapy is that some of these parts become damaged or injured over the course of our life when bad things happen to us (these bad things being collectively termed "trauma" here), and that other parts of our system jump in to protect the Self from being permanently damaged by this injured part, essentially by burying it deep down in our subconscious so it can't get loose and damage the rest of our Self (at which point that part becomes an "exile" in the lingo of IFS therapy). There are two types of these protectors: ones called "managers" that are proactive (that is, they work overtime to prevent any future trauma from ever occurring), and ones called "firefighters" that are reactive (that is, they only go to work after new trauma has occurred, doing anything it has to in order to put out the "fire" of shame, loneliness, worthlessness and terror that the trauma induces in us).

So, IFS therapy says, if we engage in bad behavior that we don't like but feel powerless to stop, whether that's proactive bad behavior (like giving unwanted advice, being a pushover, or even obsessing too much on therapy) or reactive bad behavior (like substance abuse, rage at small offenses, or even suicide), what we're actually seeing is our managers and firefighters still working overtime to protect an exile from trauma that ended sometime in our past; and that to end the bad behavior, you need to identify these parts, have compassion for them, thank them for protecting you, but gently convince them that the crisis is now over and they can ratchet back down in intensity to "peacetime status." That is, you're not trying to get rid of any of the parts, because they all as a collective group make up your personality (literally your Self in IFS), and there's nothing inherently bad about any of them (the part of your brain that wants to engage in substance abuse, for example, is ironically often the same part of your brain that worries about self-care); you're simply trying to convince these parts that the emergency is now over, that the trauma you experienced in the past is now done and finished, and that all your parts can now go back to living in quiet harmony, including those long-dormant exiles whose very existence you had forgotten about for decades.

This particular newest book on the subject was written by an active IFS therapist, and it's clear in her stories that she started facilitating IFS sessions mainly because she was an IFS patient at first, and had such a breakthrough in her understanding of herself that she felt compelled to make a professional career out of it. This seems to be how a lot of people are coming to IFS therapy these days, frankly, by becoming converts after having it work profoundly in their own life; and this especially gets interesting when you realize that it's a form of IFS that's being used in the absolutely brand-new, still cutting-edge "psychedelics therapy" that's starting to legally happen in the state of Washington right now, where so-called "miracles" are happening in thousands of people at the moment, such as someone who's been an alcoholic for decades doing just a single IFS/psychedelics therapy session and then suddenly starting the next day never craving a drink ever again. That sounds like dubious snake oil when heard out of context, but is quite believable if you agree with the theories being espoused in IFS, and I've seen it work enough in my own life to be a believer myself; although to be fair, I want to acknowledge that there are a few critics and a lot of skeptics these days too when it comes to IFS, and that it's worth acknowledging that IFS therapy is still new enough to not have a proven track record that can be reliably duplicated by anyone in any situation who wants to, a sorta fundamental bedrock of the scientific process that needs to be achieved before anything can be said to have "been proven to work."

So, take it all with a grain of salt, and go into IFS therapy being rational and curious, not with the blind devotion of the faithful; but certainly I encourage anyone who's into therapy to try out IFS therapy, and this slim (<150 pages) and plainly written guide is a great place to start, one that not only explains the entire process clearly but also uses some funny and insightful pop-culture references as metaphors that I haven't seen any other IFS book so far do. (Particularly helpful here is Kennedy's comparison of manager parts to the fictional middle manager Dwight Schrute from The Office: both take their job very seriously [often to the point of comical intensity], both relish being in control [often to the consternation of everyone around them], and both spring into action heedlessly during times of crisis [often leading to the situation getting worse instead of better]). It's both a theory and a therapy that deserves a close look by anyone wrestling with self-destructive behavior, especially since its conclusions are starting to overlap with unrelated other contemporary researchers in fields like neuroplasticity, healthy aging, and physical exercise, and this informative book is a great place to start your journey.

[Matthew · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of my favorite IFS books for clients who are starting this journey. It has a great deal of "basic" mental health info they need. The pacing is such that it's easy to binge-read to get the information, but you can easily go back through it and take your time for each part to truly understand each section. And all if this is interspersed with a vulnerable personal narrative to help the readers know this is someone who cares for this process.

[Briayna Cuffie · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best recs

I took so many notes and highlights in this. In the beginning she notes the children's movie "Inside Out" and I'm glad I took a pause from reading to watch; it was great to have it as a visual aid/reference as I took in the rest of the book. I screenshot activities to try so I could print them out and do them multiple times over. This was good to read solo, and gave me a lot to bring forward to my therapist.

I greatly appreciate the author bringing her own experiences in, as I was able to relate to so many, and that helped me understand concepts and roles all the more better.

[Sylwia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent beginner's guide to parts work/IFS, for both therapists and laymen. I've already recommended it to a client.

[Joe · Rating 3 out of 5]

Sometimes with audiobooks I can’t tell how much of my experience is related to the narrator. As another review noted, the narrator has a very dry, rather condescending tone that lends an unfortunate cast to the material. I am interested in IFS work, I think it modernizes a lot of psychodynamic concepts that have been unfairly left behind by most other current modalities, but much of the IFS literature I have read has featured some major woo woo guru language, and often stays general and superficial instead of getting into the meat of case examples. The most compelling parts were the narrator describing the application of IFS to her own parts, but this rarely left that superficial “a part of me numbs me to pain!” Language that feels so textbook and artificial.

[Jellybean · Rating 2 out of 5]

I always enjoy new perspectives and deepening my understanding on the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model but I was concerned that this book began with a fundamental misunderstanding with the model. To be clear, I have not finished this book and I am not sure I will continue after the introduction. She claims that we all start our life with a core self but our self becomes fractured because of trauma into sub personalities. Rather than the pathologizing lens of a fractured self, IFS asserts that multiplicity is the natural state of all human consciousness. What is unhealthy about many people's "parts" is that they tend to adopt strategies that become maladaptive, take on emotional burdens, and function in roles within your internal system they were not designed for in response to trauma. Parts are not manifestations of trauma and may not carry the aforementioned dysfunction. Furthermore, the notion of a fractured self feeds into the idea that we then need to mend the self into a unified state in order to be whole. Parts language (i.e., "a part of me wants to do this but a part of me doesn't") is very universal (in Western society at least) whether people realize it or not. De-pathologizing and increasing awareness of our inherent multiplicity is hugely important. Fractures, or relational ruptures rather, certainly do occur between parts but there is no one or core part of us fracturing into different parts (at least according to IFS. You can make that claim but don't call it IFS). Though it may seem small, I find this initial error deeply concerning and leads me to question the author's understanding of this work. She is not listed in the IFS Directory of trained therapists, though she claims "advanced training" on her website without listing what qualifies her for that label.

From a more subjective standpoint, as I was listening to the audio version, I found the reader's tone to be condescending and it may have led the text itself to feel condescending as well. It was very difficult for me to connect to.

I'm glad some readers have reported this book has helped them. I do think the idea of a personal narrative regarding someone's healing journey using IFS sounds like a great way for people to grasp the model better and how it applies to their lives. I personally would recommend people start with Robert C. Schwartz's books as he is the creator of the model and his books are really exceptional (No Bad Parts is my personal favorite). I have also heard positive reviews from others on Altogether You by Jenna Riemersma for those who would like a Christian perspective on IFS therapy (one acquaintance also mentioned that he felt this book gave particularly useful practical examples of roles parts take on).

[Roots.Branches.Wellness · Rating 4 out of 5]

When I saw @movingpartspsychotherapy was writing a book I knew I wanted to check it out, and when I saw this topic I absolutely had to have it. The Tender Parts: A Guide to Healing from Trauma through Internal Family Systems Therapy is an amazing introduction to IFS and I love that she uses examples of her own parts to help readers understand the application. If you love IFS like me you need to check this one out!

Here's this awesome explanation of Self: "Although we all possess Self-energy, some of us have more access to it than others. In interpersonal neurobiology terms, the concept of Self-energy equates to the experience of being regulated (Siegel, 2012). In polyvagal terms, it equates to the experience of being in a ventral vagal state (Dana, 2018). It might also equate to the experience of mindfulness, in which we have the ability to watch our own thoughts without immediately reacting to them."

And I loved how she explains the somatic component of IFS, "Parts are intrinsically connected to the body. I've mentioned earlier that my own parts often introduce themselves as body sensations, like my head feeling heavy or a tightness within my chest. But our body sensations can do more than help us connect to parts and take us deeper in our exploration--we can connect to sensations as parts as well. We know that we hold memories, especially traumatic memories, not just in the brain but in the body. Therefore, we can deepen our self-knowledge and facilitate healing by deepening our connection with the body. Not including the body in healing practice can also have consequences. When we don't release emotions, stress, or traumatic memories held in the body, it can lead to chronic pain, immune deficiencies, and other physical ailments (Maté, 2003)."

[Caleb · Rating 4 out of 5]

The Tender Parts

Sunny Lansdale

EXERCISE safe place for parts

EXERCISE non dominant hand drawing and parts

Managers

Firefighters

Self like parts - there is an agenda rather than a presence

Pendulation and titration– Peter Levine – somatic experiencing

Perpetrator parts

Midnight Library shout out

Daisy head Maisie and Mrs. Sanchez

Respectfully speaks about dissociation

[Vivian · Rating 3 out of 5]

A solid, basic introduction to IFS that helped me make better sense of it. While I could’ve probably gotten more out of the audiobook by participating in the recommended activities, the pacing was too fast for me to even reflect mentally. Ultimately, though, I’m more excited about internal family systems therapy after this book and glad to have read it.

[Debbie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really great intro to IFS. I wish it was longer! It felt like it ended too soon, but it is nice to have such an accessible read with many great prompts and exercises. I’m a therapist who embraces IFS work and have recommended this book to several clients who are also therapists themselves.

[Bailey · Rating 3 out of 5]

There were some great take aways in this book! I'm very glad I read it. The metaphors get dragged out a bit, though, for my liking.

[Evil Secret Ninja · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great introduction to IFS it was a nice short read. I liked it a lot just not as in depth as I would have liked.

[Michelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great resource with many experiential exercises.

[Brit (britlovestoread)]

I guess all I'm reading about this month is IFS and I'm into it.

[Angie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good intro into IFS therapy for therapists and clients. Definitely ling winded. Author talks a bit too much about herself

[Kasia · Rating 1 out of 5]

DNF 26%

[talkingtotess · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good beginner's text for those interested in IFS (internal family systems). I have been warned that No Bad Parts (which I haven't read yet) is not client-friendly, so I tend to recommend this as an alternative. Quick read with quite a few exercises thrown in that can be done on your own; client and clinician alike.