Forever Today: A True Story of Lost Memory and Never-Ending Love

by Deborah Wearing

The man who lost his the story of an English musician crippled by total amnesia, and the wife who tried to find a cure, then ran away to start her life over, and finally came back to him.

Clive Wearing is one of the most famous, extreme cases of amnesia ever known. In 1985, while at the height of his success as a conductor and BBC music producer, a virus completely destroyed the memory part of his brain, leaving him trapped in a limbo of the constant present where every conscious moment was as if he had just woken from a ten-year coma. For seven years he was kept in the general ward of a London hospital while his wife Deborah campaigned for better conditions and searched hopelessly for a cure. As damaged as Clive was, the musical part of his brain was unaffected, as was his passionate love for Deborah.

Finding there was no way to bring Clive back, Deborah eventually fled to America to start her life again. Then, miraculously, in their transatlantic phone calls she noticed Clive starting to recover some of his memory, and she was pulled back to England. Today, although he still lives in care, they are closer than ever.

This is the story of an extreme condition that is a reminder of what it means to be human. It is also a woman’s quest to understand, control, and escape from a nightmare. Finally, it is insight into a bond that runs deeper than conscious thought, a love overcoming the most tragic handicap.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Memoir, Biography, Medical, Science, Neuroscience

400 pages, Paperback

First published January 17, 2005

Reviews

[Emma Scott · Rating 5 out of 5]

This woman is a courageous, giving person and a beautiful writer.

[jersey9000 · Rating 2 out of 5]

I have been reading books about brain disorders and neurology lately, and the case of Clive Wearing came up a few times. The poor guy came down with a massive ABI (acquired brain injury) that rendered him pretty much completely amnesiac, in that every few minutes he would lose and regain all consciousness, and had no memory of past, present, or future. His life was an endless sequence of moments of awakining, asking how long he had been out for, and then repeating that sequence. Crazy, fascinating stuff.

Imagine my glee when I found out his wife wrote a memoir! And, for the first 80% of it- I loved it. the diary entries were fascinating, her stories about life with and without Clive were heartbreaking, her thoughts on the brain were profound . . .

Then it got irritating. She moved to America, started a relationship with the world's shittiest sounding guy, and moved back to be with Clive. After 100 pages of talking about the development of the brain, how Clive's mind seems to be trying, slowly but steadily, to adjust, and even talking with a scientist who explained the chemical composition of the brain, someone prayed for her, she found God, and then decided that God was helping him.

Sigh . .

But I am, of course, happy that she has found a purpose and seems to have adapted to everything. It just was a pretty lame, left field way to end the book.

So, my advice? Read it until shed moves to Greece, then walk away.

[Brenda]

Thought provoking book...a little repetitive at times which became tough to read but this illustrated the feelings the author had every day of her life since her husband's illness. Amazingly loyal wife and neat story.

[Jessica Heaton · Rating 5 out of 5]

A beautiful and painful story

[Hannah · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was so touched by this true story about a man who suffers from terrible amnesia after a virus, and the wife who loves him. It was interesting to follow their journey together, and I repeatedly found myself asking myself how I would respond if in a similar situation. Very moving.

[Nil]

I found this book while watching a tutorial on Cognitive Neuroscience .Dr Hamed Ekhtiary brough to the class this Case when talking about Amnesia and I thought it would be a great book by such a devoted wife.

[Kathy Tufts · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a great true story of love and commitment. Deborah Wearing does a great job of bringing you into her life as she struggles with her husbands incredible amnesia. I found myself getting frustrated reading about the "loop" of questions she had to answer over and over again. Her compassion, commitment and love for her husband is quite evident. In researching the story, the on line videos show the same compassion, commitment and love written in the book. I was so afraid it would end badly . . spoiler: it doesn't, it ends with great and true hope.

[Rae · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wearing recounts the poignant experience of her husband Clive, who lost his memory after a bout with a rare viral encephalitis. The medical aspects of the case are fascinating and compelling to read. The personal side, of Deborah as a caretaker, is bittersweet and emotionally difficult to process. A memorable read.

[Laurie Graham · Rating 4 out of 5]

A heart-breaker. I read this because I have a family member with Acquired Brain Injury but it would make a fascinating read for anyone interested in the human mind.

[Liliana · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed the book.

Deborah was only 27 years old when her husband, Clive became the worst case of amnesia in the world. Former musician and talented composer now limited to a 7 second memory, "I haven't seen anything, felt anything, touched anything, smelled anything, heard anything, tasted anything. It's like being dead. What's it like being dead? Nobody knows..."

There are two documentaries filmed on this case, currently available on YouTube. After watching them, I was so interested to find out more, to get a closer view to a life caught in the present moment. Deborah's testament of love and amnesia is heartbreaking.

"Love was always my way of getting through to Clive whatever the circumstances. Love brought him up against what was important. Yes, he might not have any idea about was going on or where he was, or of anything that had happened to him in the whole of his existence, but one thing he did know for sure - he knew he loved me, he knew I loved him, he knew we were one."❤️

[Ann · Rating 5 out of 5]

Forever Today is a compelling, true story of an amnesia patient and his wife's (the author's) journey through his diagnosis, treatment, and the drastic changes in their lives. The book explains, without jargon, this extreme form of amnesia through interactions, conversations, and the patient's journal entries. Truly a heart-breaking story with a bit of a surprise ending

The book contains an Acknowledgements section, a Prologue, and 13 chapters divided among three parts > Part I: The Man who Fell Out of Time; Part II: Prisoners of Consciousness; and Part III: The Speed of Light. Each chapter has some breaks between paragraphs and subsections.

I found the book hard to put down. Highly recommended for those interested in neuropathology and amnesia, committed love, and developing relationships in difficult times.

[Helga Beuckelaers · Rating 3 out of 5]

Niet aangeboren hersenletsel ... erg ingrijpend, niet alleen voor de patiënt zelf, zeker ook voor de familie. Dit wordt duidelijk en met veel liefde beschreven in dit verhaal.
Ik werd er alleen, net zoals de echtgenote van de patiënt, enorm moe van ...
"Veel vrienden vroegen me mee uit eten. Maar Of ik reageerde niet Of ik kwam niet opdagen en krabbelde op het laatste moment terug.
Ik kon het niet verdragen over koetjes en kalfjes te praten.
Wat ik écht wilde doen in mijn schaarse vrije tijd was me laten vallen, languit in de modder gaan liggen, me met aarde bedekken en brullen.
Er zijn landen waar je dat kunt doen. Iedereen ligt met je in de modder en brult met je mee( p112)

[Ilse · Rating 3 out of 5]

Hoe kan je nu beoordelen hoe een ander zijn leven loopt? Niet dus.
het moet verschrikkelijk zijn om plots samen te leven met iemand die letterlijk niets meer kan onthouden.
maar zelf had ik andere verwachtingen van het boek. Het boek legt de nadruk op het leven van de echtgenote van iemand met geheugenverlies. Ze gaat doorheen een heel rouw en aanvaardingsproces in het boek. Ik dacht dat het eerder ging over hoe leven met geheugenverlies, evt verhalen van zorgverleners of familie van clive.

Niet wat ik er van verwachte dus. Maar vreselijk wat hun is overkomen.

[Ella · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is very bittersweet, but there is a consensus that the second half is a lot weaker than the first. A lot of this book is essentially just a long love letter and Deborah Wearing likes to use as many different ways as possible to say the same thing. Well-written generally, but a bit too repetitive (I suppose that's the point, though) although I did enjoy it. It was interesting the sheer vastness of Clive's amnesia: how he just couldn't remember anything at all. That amazed me the most.

[Natalia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Poruszająca historia nie tylko człowieka, który doświadczył rozległej amnezji, ale i jego żony, która mierzyła się z ogromnym wyzwaniem po utracie ledwo rozpoczętego wspólnego życia. O Clive słyszałam wiele razy podczas studiów, ale dopiero ta książka pozwoliła mi na lepsze zrozumienie jego historii. To słodko-gorzka historia z nieco pozytywnym akcentem na koniec.

[Noah Lynch · Rating 4 out of 5]

Don’t read this book expecting it to be a psychology textbook explaining amnesia (although there is some of that). This is the story of losing a husband to a brain injury and learning how to cope with life after. I couldn’t put this thing down after starting it. Watch the documentaries on Clive first and come back to this if his story grabs you.

[andrew clark · Rating 5 out of 5]

I could relate to this book as i myself suffered the same Encephalitis from a cold sore which im am still getting over (18 months), i will never be the same due to my brain injury, but im learning & being taught to live with this.
I was exactly the same for first 3 months of being rushed to Hobart Hospital!!

[Leonardo]

Comentado en Musicofilia.

[Nirbhay Gupta · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best book that I have ever read

[Lacie Palmer · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book after my fiance was diagnosed with anterograde amnesia. He passed due to complications, and this book made me feel not so alone. I loved the book, but it was heartbreaking.

[Gabrielle Morales]

**referenced in Brain on Fire by Susannah Cahalan

[Sahara · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very sad but a good read

[Caroline Barron · Rating 4 out of 5]

Imagine that after every single blink it feels like you’re awakening to the world for the first time. This is what life is like for Clive Wearing, after he contracted a brutal virus in 1985 that destroyed the part of his brain that retains memories. He retains between seven and thirty seconds of memory at any one time, which gives him the sensation of constantly re-awakening, confused and unsure of where he is or what has happened to him. To make the story even more fascinating, prior to his illness, Wearing was a famous London composer and musicologist at the height of his career.

Forever Today is Clive’s story, but it is also Deborah Wearing’s story - Clive’s second (and third) wife, several years his junior. Most remarkable is their pure, true love that transcends space, time and consciousness. Deborah nurses Clive for many years before finally divorcing him in an attempt to lead her own life in New York. She realises her heart will always belong to Clive and remarries him. They remain married today.
“Love was always my way of getting through to Clive whatever the circumstances…One thing he did know for sure – he knew he loved me, he knew I loved him, he knew we were one, and he knew that came before everything” (177).

The other thing that gets through to Clive is music. In the early days of his illness he went through a bout of crying that lasted weeks, soothed only by playing his keyboard. It is a complicated business, the brain, but Deborah Wearing uses metaphor, description and events to help us understand why Clive retains some things and not others, why he can still play music but doesn't recognise his own son.

“I came in that day and saw Clive holding something in the palm of one hand, and repeatedly covering it and uncovering it with his other hand as if he were a magician practicing a disappearing trick. He was holding a chocolate. He could feel the chocolate unmoving in his left palm, and yet every time he lifted his hand he told me it revealed a brand new chocolate.

‘Look!” he said. ‘It’s new!’ He couldn’t take his eyes of it” (126).

Deborah Wearing is an incredible woman. Her work for brain injury victims is inspirational and rose out of a disbelief at the lack of resources available for Clive, particularly the non-existence of a long-term care facility. She has given her life to Clive, and finds light in the darkest of places. Her life and marriage is unconventional but shows us we can all find hope in the darkest of places, it’s all in how you choose to look at it.

Deborah Wearing's talented writing skills set this memoir apart from the other amnesiac memoir I have read (I Forgot to Remember: A Memoir of Amnesia by Su Meck). Wearing uses just the right amount of detail and description and best of all are her metaphors: the dying bracken plant as a symbol of their love (67); dust in the wine glasses as their lives disintegrate (197) and best of all the image of Jacqueline Kennedy holding JFK’s brains in her white gloved hand as a metaphor for the compulsion she felt to raise awareness for Clive’s plight (248). Amazing.

“There was dust in the wine. Clive kept clinking glasses because he didn’t know he’d done it before. It felt like we were drinking the dust into our hearts…And the minutes and the hours were all the same, same question after same question without respite, piling up in my mind like sawdust. With every hour, it seemed we were disintegrating” (197).

I first heard about Clive Wearing through a talk by Michael Corbalis on Mind Wandering. I can also recommend the BBC documentary The Man with the 7 Second Memory from 2005 which brings alive Clive’s loop conversations and diary entries alive. I have yet to watch Equinox: Prisoner of Consciousness (1986).

Here is a cut down from the BBC's 2005 documentary The Man with the 7 Second Memory:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vwigm...

This review originally appeared on my blog www.lovewordsmusic.com

[Jeff · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fascinating book that made me laugh and weep at the same time at the miserable plight of a fellow who literally lost the ability to make new memories. Every moment was a brand new moment, as if he had just opened his eyes after being unconscious for a long period of time. His dear wife took care of him for years, and every time she came in the room, it was like it was the first time. All his questions got to be a huge burden for her, and she wavered under the load for a time, but in the end, she came back to him as he gained a very small measure of functionality. And then the surprise, on page 390 (of 402), when she asked a Christian friend to pray for her, and she immediately felt the presence of God come over her.

The following excerpt aptly depicts the sort of challenges Clive and Deborah faced:

At the beginning of his illness, Clive would sometimes be confounded at the bizarre things he experienced. Deborah wrote of how, coming in one day, she saw him holding something in the palm of one hand, and repeatedly covering and uncovering it with the other hand as if he were a magician practising a disappearing trick. He was holding a chocolate. He could feel the chocolate unmoving in his left palm, and yet every time he lifted his hand he told me it revealed a brand new chocolate. 
 
“Look!” he said. “It’s new!” He couldn’t take his eyes off it. 
 
“It’s the same chocolate,” I said gently. 
 
“No . . . look! It’s changed. It wasn’t like that before . . .” He covered and uncovered the chocolate every couple of seconds, lifting and looking. 
 
“Look! It’s different again! How do they do it?”

This is not a book about faith in any way at all, except for that experience near the end of it, which enabled her to see her life and role on a higher plain.

This book was more meaningful because I first learned of Clive's situation through a RadioLab segment on memory that I would highly recommend: http://www.radiolab.org/story/91569-m...

[Beth Peninger · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars
In March 1985 Clive Wearing woke up from a night of sleep and knew nothing. He didn't know people or places, he didn't know where the next room was, he knew nothing. Deborah, his wife, chronicles in this memoir their story pre-amnesia and post. He has never regained his memory but he has over the years made some improvements. He is believed to be the worst case of amnesia in the world. His memory lasts anywhere from 7 seconds to a maximum of 30 seconds. He doesn't know anyone, except for his wife. Somehow Clive retained some memory of her. He doesn't know her name when he is with her but in his diary he writes her name over and over again.
Deborah lets the reader peek into their world. A world of frustration, loneliness, hope, hurt, and acceptance of what is. In the midst of the story about Clive's amnesia and Deborah's life learning to cope with it a beautiful love story is revealed. They have a special connection between one another and he truly loves her and is delighted by her. And she him. She has never been able to separate herself from him. In the years since he woke up with no memory Deborah has figured out how they can have a life together in spite of his memory loss. It's quite remarkable really. The last chapter of the book held a really unexpected but truly wonderful surprise, in my opinion. I really enjoyed reading about this couple.

[Theresa · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars. It's a fascinating true story--illness destroyed the parts of Clive's brain responsible for short term memory. He is forever "waking up" for the first time about every 30-60 seconds. Yet he has some memories from his past and they particularly relate to the people and things he loves the most. He remains adamantly in love with his wife, though he can't recall what she looks like. He knows who his children are but remembers them much younger than they are. And he can still read music and conduct a chorale though he can't recall that he did it when he is finished.

So the story is extremely interesting. The memoir is written by his devoted wife who was significantly younger than him. I mention this because she was only 28 when Clive became ill (meningitis I want to say...). And faced the rest of her life with Clive in institutional care. She started an organization in England to lobby for the rights and proper services for brain injured individuals. Really amazing. But the book gets a little slow for the last third. Deborah understandably struggled significantly with what to do with her life. But the last chapter is just full of so much joy and hope it was inspirational to end on that note.

Worth a read. There was a documentary made about Clive. I'm going to look for it... I heard about this story on Radio Lab on NPR. You may find the interview on their website.

[Ko Matsuo · Rating 5 out of 5]

Clive Wearing is a musician and conductor whose brain was damaged by a virus causing his memory to be limited to less than 30 seconds. This heart breaking story is written by his wife who suffers the peculiarities of her husband's condition. She takes you on a fascinating story that takes you from highs to confusion to monotony to despair to hope. I was struck simultaneously by curiosity and awe at how the human brain functions, and by sadness and deep emotion at her struggles. Worth the read.

[Abeer Hoque · Rating 3 out of 5]

'Forever Today' is a memoir by Deborah Wearing, the devoted wife of Clive Wearing, a highly intelligent and accomplished musician and conductor whose brain was half eaten away by a virus, causing him to have the worst case of amnesia then known - lasting only a few seconds at a time. He remembered who he was, his history until a few years before the devastating infection, and his immense love for his wife. Like most dense amnesiacs, he retained no ability to make new memories, but fascinatingly was able to function almost normally when conducting familiar music.

It's not just his story, but also a story of her love, which is remarkable and touching for its perseverance and depth. And it's a story about the British medical and insurance system and how Mrs. Wearing helped change the landscape and care for Britons with ABI (Acquired Brain Injury).

I thought the last third got a bit scattered and tangential, and needed a good editor. But in any case, like many books on dementia and memory loss that I've read, FT is both wrenching and inspiring in showing how the families of those affected learn to accept and find joy in ever smaller successes.

[Luís Castilho · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wow, what a brilliant memoir. "Forever Today" is about Deborah Wearing's husband - Clive Wearing - struggle to cope with a very rare and extreme form of amnesia (actually the most profound case of amnesia case ever recorded) that left him without any recollection of paste events and with a deep inability to make knew any memories for more that brief seconds. This illness makes for a horrendous life experience since every few seconds Clive thinks that he just woken up from a long coma like sleep and is deeply terrorized to find himself in an unknown environment and accompanied by unknown people. What is so amazing is that the only person he truly recalls is his loving wife Deborah. Despite this romantic underlying the book is never flimsy or lame, it is actually very insightful and objective. I loved the very detailed description of Clive's first symptoms and the doctors struggle to find an accurate diagnoses for this rare disease. All and all a great book that only fails to get 5 star review because of its receptiveness.

[Michael · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’m glad I read this. It was an honest story of a difficult life (two lives) - that began to grow difficult when the author’s husband got a virus that went undiagnosed and thus leading to significant brain damage, that has resulted in a form of amnesia. The book is the story of the author as she traverses this territory trying to figure out what it means to live her life and to be committed to this man who she loves and is married to - through “sickness and in health.” The author stays with him daily for eight years, as he settles into a group home. She helps start and lead an organization that deals with brain damage and amnesia. She takes a break and even divorces Clive. But she returns to him, through a crazy path (like all our crazy paths in this life). It was a fascinating read - not the least because it is a rare look at a life struggling with long time disease/illness. I’m glad I read it.