Edit : you know, in a way, I’m actually probably helping the sales on this book for people who actively want to consume media that’s racist, sexist and homophobic. Where’s my cut of the paycheck ?
Edit : okay look, at least once every other month that this review has been up, i will still get some upset person commenting some pretentious, angry message . Which is fine, that’s kind of what the point of me writing this was. But I’m just giving a forewarning that if you are a heavily, easily angered republican who doesn’t like to have their silly little outlook on life challenged, you will in fact get upset by my review. If you still decide to read the following few paragraphs, well at least I can say that i warned you. Have fun ~
This is the first book I’ve ever returned to my store. What a wild 1 hour and 30 minutes that was.
I love my Christmas horror. I love ghost stories by the fire on a snowy night, I love that there has always been a history of scary Christmas traditions and tales since the very concept of the holiday being celebrated.
The story started off fine enough with the plot line of a small town murder, but the more I read, the more I picked up on a vague and subtle vibe within the first few pages. It started off just on the tip of my tongue, like when I’d lick that colorful crepe paper in art class when I was like 7 and I’d be shocked by how sour it was every time.
that vibe, ladies and gentleman, was the sneaking suspicion that this novel was written by a straight, white man who thinks he knows how to write a story from an impartial point of view while painting his picture, subtly inserting his own ideals in a way that is barely noticeable. but oh god is he wrong.
But I persisted. I persisted because again, I love my spooky Christmas. And if there is one thing this book succeeds at in its opening chapters, it’s spooky Christmas.
But good lord does it also succeed in being the most insufferable He-man Woman Haters Club novel to be written. Like, we get it. Every woman in this book wants to fuck our main character. Fine. Whatever. But how many times is he going to describe every beautiful woman he meets as looking young, in an “almost high school, innocent way?” Bro. Gag.
But I persisted,friends. I was craving that sweet, sweet cold, wintery night imagery with sparkling lights and blood soaked snow.
And then we find around page 40 that our accused murderer’s sister May had come out as loving a woman, and it completely tore his family apart. He rolled his eyes at the news, chalking his sister’s sexuality up to just “being a scrappy trouble maker.” Cute. But his parents could not bare the news so they ditched it to Florida.
Florida.
Sigh.
Oh oh, but don’t worry. May is mentioned again as “so covered in piercings and tattoos that she looked almost primitive, escaped from the Amazon rainforest.”
Gotta fuckin’ love it.
For now on, whenever a book only mentions someone’s sexuality to needlessly progress a plot line forward in a negative way, I’m offering it up for a banned books list to the Library associations of the world, or to some other organization that I didn’t just make up. And yes, that is a form of censorship. Suck it.
But dammit all to hell, I persisted! Where are my scary Christmas scenes ??? Perhaps Travis’s sexism and homophobia and some serious thin layers of racism are written in as a direct result of him being an antagonist! In fact, I absolutely have to hold out to the end to see if Travis is actually a main antagonist or not. Because if the homophobic, racist man accused of murder ends up being innocent??? Why folks, I might just lose my god damn mind, won’t I ?
Also, weird political agenda aside within these pages, I just quite simply don’t get it?? Is Cameron Winters psychic ?? Is that what’s going on here? If it was, I wish it would just be stated as such.
Alright folks, page 80 really goes for the plot twist of the century so again,
I persist.
And god do I wish I hadn’t. Because good ol’ lesbian faithful, sister May, is back and I’m not joking when I say this character is the walking caricature of every single god fearing republican’s worst liberal nightmare. Here we get to see Cameron’s reaction to her and the first thing he notices are the various political signs on her front lawn. And then he notices her piercings and tattoos, because Cameron doesn’t take a liking to them either and because these two elements seem to be the only defining trait of this woman. Oh yes, and that she’s a lesbian. Oh yes! And that she hates men. Yupp. Of course she does. Because if you’re not a mother or an elegant therapist who is horny for her patient, or a teenage crush from Christmases long ago , or a sexy lawyer who you used to fuck when you taught her English class, or an angelic, beautiful school Liberian who was brutally murdered, then of course you are a sensitive Libby Lesbian who **hates** all men.
Kill me. I wish I was the one who was murdered by Travis Blake.
But see, Cameron Winters isn’t LIKE other guys. He actually somehow musters the strength and courage to enjoy May’s presence. He can see past all of her piercings and political agenda and lifestyle because goddamnit, he’s just so smart. Cameron Winters is -such- a smart guy and his brain doesn’t work like others. And by god, if May the lesbian can’t show Cameron the same empathy that he so graciously is giving to her, well that’s just fine. Because Cameron is the bigger man and May is just a stupid one-dimensional liberal. She doesn’t know what the hell she’s talking about because she only takes bits and pieces of things she has heard from other miserable liberals. She’s just, she’s just, you know, REGURGITATING WORDS OUT THAT SHE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW BECAUSE SHE IS JUST A SAD, STUPID LITTLE LESBIAN WOMAN WITH TATTOOS AND PIERCINGS AND CAMERON IS BIG EDUCATED MUSCLE MAN WHO EVERYONE WANTS TO FUCK EXCEPT FOR MAY BECAUSE SHE IS A LESSSSSBIIIAAAAAANNN
Christ.
But
I
Persisted.
And alas, Travis was innocent. You see, Travis graciously pretended to murder Jennifer, the love of his life, because Jennifer wasn’t actually Jennifer. She was a kidnapped and escaped abductee as a child, and she fled to the small Christmas town only to be found out later on in life. So she and Travis devised this elaborate plan in which he fake-murders her so that she can escape or something, I have no fucking clue.
But the message here folks, is that even if you are racist and homophobic, at least you’re not a murderer right? Racist and homophobic people can still be good people, right?
Right?
Was Cameron Winters a psychic or was he just really super duper smart? I have no clue.
I need a fuckin cigarette and I don’t even smoke.