The Autism Partner Handbook: How to Love an Autistic Person

by Joe Biel, Elly Blue, Faith G. Harper

So, your partner is autistic. Or you suspect they might be. And you're wondering, "What does this mean for my relationship?" This guide is for you. Learn key communication skills for succeeding in a neurologically mixed relationship, gain a better understanding of your partner's mental processes, troubleshoot your sex life, and level up your appreciation for your partner's relationship strengths. Autistic-allistic relationships, as well as relationships between two neurodivergent people, can work out splendidly, but there are a few consistent and predictable areas where they can get in trouble, which you can work through together once you know how to spot them. Dr. Faith G. Harper, author of Unf*ck Your Brain and Unf*ck Your Intimacy, joins Joe Biel (an autistic publisher and author) and Elly Blue (a partner of an autistic person), to offer hard-won guidance on a wide range of relationship topics.

Genres: Autistic Spectrum Disorder, Nonfiction, Marriage, Relationships, Disability

190 pages, Paperback

Published April 11, 2023

About the author

Joe Biel is a writer, activist, journalist, filmmaker, and publisher. He is the founder and co-owner of Microcosm Publishing and co-founder of the Portland Zine Symposium. He often tours the U.S. with his books and films. He has been featured in the Utne Reader, Portland Mercury, Oregonian, Broken Pencil, Readymade, and Bicycle Times.

Reviews

[Tina · Rating 2 out of 5]

a very important book at this moment in my life. but probably not the best of its kind.

written by a couple, one autistic one neurotypical, and a therapist, this book attempted at giving tips to the neurotypical person who has an autistic partner but it’s unclear how much of it is just Joe’s personal preferences. Joe (who does not want to be gendered and only referred to by name, like wtf?!) seems borderline emotionally abusive. autistic people are misunderstood and abused by society, sure. but why do you feel so entitled to be treated in such special ways when you yourself are such a bad partner who is not capable of reciprocating? all Joe’s bad behavior is justified solely because of the diagnosis and no accountability is taken.

the book also failed to speak to the neurotypical person’s expectations and needs and emotional wellbeing at all. a relationship cannot work if only one person is pulling the weight. i think it even further stigmatized people on the spectrum because by the end of it I felt like running away from the gaslighting as fast as i possibly could. it reads like Joe needs Elly to be an empathetic self-sufficient mother figure except the times when Joe does not want her to be.

but maybe that IS the takeaway.

[Sharon · Rating 2 out of 5]

Over-generalizes, very concerning lack of sources, contradicts itself, and at one point, the author claims autistic people have a “sixth sense” of psychic abilities. I liked the easily readable, conversational style, but overall, I was not impressed. Definitely glad I vetted this before giving it to my partner.

[Emma · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was very specific to one couple's experience and I found it difficult to relate it to my own relationship.

[Bee · Rating 3 out of 5]

Eh. Overgeneralisations galore and some information/advice that felt weird. Still a decent start, better than some older books that treat autism as a disease

[Casey Russo · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book, but it did contain some absolute statements that simply aren’t true of *all* autistic folks.

[Clover · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5/5
I liked it and found it interesting.

Book CW // Swearing

There's a lot of things covered in this little book. They do have a reference section and reccomended reading section that I always appreciate. They also include some fiction and podcasts.

The chapters have a lot of short sections and I wish some of them were expanded. But that's what the resources are for, haha. This is good for both reading cover to cover and piecemeal. Your partner might find it easier to read sections as they come up or they're curious about, it could open the door to meaningful conversations.

The authors switch a lot, I didn't mind. When speaking about a specific experience or suggestion, they will say something like: "For almost everyone I (Joe) knew who was diagnosed properly, the diagnosis remains the greatest epiphany in their lives—the moment that adult life began." (Chapter 1, page 26.) They don't often share contrasting experiences, which would have been really nice to see since all stories are still different regardless of their similarities.

I enjoyed this book. I think it's a good book to look for at your library. I'm not sure I would include it in my collection—there was something about the book that bothered me, but I would happily check it out from the library again.

[Ciss · Rating 3 out of 5]

I want to give this book 2,5 stars out of five.

This is a book for partners of people with autism. It describes what autism is in some part and gives relationship advice, both general and specific to dating an autistic partner.

I have autism myself and my partner does too. I was very excited to read this book to better our relationship even more but I was disappointed. The authors do make it clear in the beginning that this book is basically just based on their own thoughts and experiences, but that could bear to be repeated throughout more.

Especially Joe states things as fact a lot of the time. Claiming that all autistic people is a certain way, often in limiting ways I felt. Being autistic I disagreed a lot and didn’t relate to many of the ”facts”. I just fear people with no knowledge or experience of autism will read this and believe some of the more extreme claims.

The best part of this book were the general relationship advice. This text came mostly from Faith who does have a PHD and works as a couples councellor. Perhaps I mostly wanted to read a book on relationship advice, but I was excited to read one through an autistic lens. This lens however was much too small.

[Sophia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not a perfect book, often jumping to conclusions and generalizations a lot. But a very solid jumping off point in understanding autism, trauma, and romantic or even interpersonal relationships. A real highlight and strength of this book for me were the frequent references towards personal and lived experience with autism. But perhaps its greatest strength is highlighting how learning to be better partners to each other in a neurodivergent or interabled relationship have important consequences on how we live our lives outside of our romantic relationships and in wider communities. Resisting the harmful thought patterns, learned behaviors, and prejudices we have internalized to care for another person deeply is an act of true love for ourselves, our partners, and the world around us.

[Taylor B · Rating 2 out of 5]

Largely anecdotal geared towards a leftist/queer/anticapitalist audience. (no shade, it's just specific) Not universally applicable to a wider audience or partnerships with kids. There were some good points to share with my NT partner but not many.

[elena brown · Rating 5 out of 5]

really cute zine from my college library :) packed with info but conveyed in a very straight-forward and beneficial way.

[Phil Toop · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some useful tips and perspectives on living with autism.
A shame about the racism and leftist undertones spoiling an otherwise interesting book.

[Lucy Haney · Rating 4 out of 5]

sweet, personal, and appreciated. Some generalizations made that I didn’t care for but overall well-intentioned

[Kirstin Bartley · Rating 5 out of 5]

Helpful

[Moon Captain · Rating 5 out of 5]

Best thing I've seen on the subject, other than some nameless PDF I read once and have never found again. Surely a great starting point for NT to understand their ND partner