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Holding Hands, Holding Hearts: Recovering a Biblical View of Christian Dating
What does Scripture say about dating? Nothing--and everything This book offers a biblical view of relationships, nd discusses attraction, first dates, commitment, and more.
183 pages, Paperback
First published January 2, 2006
79 people are currently reading
427 people want to read
About the author
Richard D. Phillips
76 books41 followersRichard D. Phillips (MDiv, Westminster Theological Seminary) is the senior minister of Second Presbyterian Church of Greenville, South Carolina. He is a council member of the Alliance of Confessing Evangelicals, chairman of the Philadelphia Conference on Reformed Theology, and coeditor of the Reformed Expository Commentary series.
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January 26, 2024
This is one of the best books on dating that I have read (and I've read many). Their straight forward treatment of biblical marriage, manhood, womanhood, attraction, singleness, etc. is so refreshing.
Many people shy away from saying that marriage should be the goal of a single, that man needs woman, that woman needs man, or that singleness is not a gift. But not these authors! They biblically explain the blessing and joy of marriage while encouraging joy and contentment on singleness.
A common misconception I have encountered among singles is the idea that "singleness is a gift." But those same people have a desire for marriage. I really appreciate how clear this book is that the gift of singleness is a very rare thing and only applies to those select few who have no romantic inclinations. They then go on to explain that it is a trial that we must persevere through (with contentment and reliance on the Lord of course).
Some thoughts and quotes from each chapter:
Love Made New (God's Design in Creation):
-"So Adam's lordship was to take the form of nurturing. How directly this confronts the view of our society that men should be stoic and unfeeling!"
-"she was the servant-helper and Adam was the servant-lord."
- "Helper was not a position for Eve to fight, but a function for her to fulfill."
-"Too many Christian men rely on their male relationships for spiritual support, when what they most need is a godly woman."
-building blocks of a relationship: commitment, intimacy, interdependence.
Trouble in Paradise (The relationship fallen in sin):
-"Sin twists commitment into selfishness, intimacy into secrecy and shame, and interdependence into conflict"
-"The woman was made to be a helper to the man, but not to be his worshipper. For you to seek your ultimate fulfillment in a relationship with a man is to be guilty of idolatry."
- "Because of this curse, feminine sin involves disrespect toward men, challenging for control, belittling comments, incessant nagging, and exploiting his weaknesses, all in the place of godly respect and helpful companionship."
Put on Love (the relationship redeemed in Christ):
-"If we want to learn love, then this is the way: by letting Christ rule our hearts, with thanksgiving, as His Word dwells richly in us, teaching and admonishing us in the way of God's love."
God's Blueprint for Love (the relationship redeemed in Christ part 2):
-"...a man should take it as his responsibility to lead the relationship, ensuring that it honors God and is a blessing to the woman he is dating."
-"God also places a man in a relationship with a woman so that she will grow spiritually within the safe confines of his loving care. This is masculine love, as defined by God: to nurture and to protect."
-"A gold man will seek to become knowledgeable about the woman he is spending time with and not just how she looks and what kind of fun she likes to have."
-"[A healthy dating relationship] is where the woman can entrust her heart to the man and be blessed by his caring ministry of encouragement and help."
-"The fact is that women are in a position of vulnerability with respect to men."
-"Instead of belittling a woman's emotional concerns and begrudging the ministry this calls for, a godly man will express the word of her heart and the value he places on the ministry that she needs from him."
-"In dating, she helps the man by letting him lead the relationship and honoring God alongside Him. She helps him by being respectful of his ideas and his relationship to the Lord."
-"Instead of demanding and always evaluating a man, she helps him to do and to be those things that God calls for in his life and in their relationship."
-"A relationship that is heading toward marriage should be one in which the woman feels an increasing trust in the man and the man feels an increasing respect for her."
Words to the Wise (a proverbial take on attraction):
-"Does she win admiration, thus reflecting positively on her man? This reflects the way she dresses, the way she talks, the way she treats people and responds to situations, and the kinds of friends and associations she has."
-"The wise man looks for such a woman to whom to give his heart (and his future children, and his bank account), and to her he can wisely make the commitments demanded by real love."
-"Beauty is, of course, a gift from God. Indeed, beauty is one of the most precious gifts that a woman brings into a man's otherwise drab and utilitarian existence."
-"But there is such a thing as a godly ambition, and a man ought to desire to improve his family's circumstances and to accomplish things in his work."
Table for Two (the first date):
Great chapter but I didn't highlight anything as I had already past that date by the time I read the book :)
The Big C-Word (to commit or not to commit?):
-"For a dating relationship to move forward in a healthy, godly way, the man must be willing to take the lead in a discussion about the commitment level of the relationship."
-"Every relationship is different, but every relationship has a need for honest communication and the clearing of expectations about commitment."
-"If you are waiting for the "perfect person," you are goin to wait forever- and remember, you're not such a peach yourself!"
-"On the other hand, too many people are paralyzed by their lack of trust in God so that they never commit even to potentially wonderful partners."
-"Go to God in prayer; tell Him why you want to commit to a certain man or woman (or why you are afraid to). Ask Him to let you trust Him first, and then, based on faith, decide what to do."
Could this be Love? (From dating to marriage):
-"A typical mistake made by Christian singles is to ask, "How far can we go?" The very question reveals a troubling attitude and the one who asks it has already gone too far."
-"Just as married couples honor God by protecting their union at all times, so do singles honor marriage by not even putting themselves in situations in which natural temptations can be acted upon."
-"After all, if you are sleeping together, you are not going to spend a lot of time in coffee shops discussing the majesty of God, sharing whaat your childhoods were like, or laughing at the shoes of people walking by."
-"A Christin man who takes the lead in sexual purity, and who tells the woman that hr heart means more to him than her body, and her purity is more valuable to him than his own pleasure, liberates her from a cruel bondage and gives her a blessing that words can hardly describe."
Waiting for love?:
-"TO be sure, the Bible speaks of the gift of singleness. But if you are reading this book-and especially if you are still reading it- you obviously do not have this gift!"
-"Singleness involves loneliness, sexual frustration, and unfulfilled dreams... Singleness may be a trial, but it is not the only trial. Married people have trials - lots of them, in fact."
-"None of us has the circumstances we really want, and the circumstances we have always provide us with challenges."
-"Perhaps your frustrations in waiting for love are intended to draw you nearer to God and to teach you reliance on HIs grace."
Overall, I would highly recommend to any Christian, single or dating. It is a highly useful book.
Many people shy away from saying that marriage should be the goal of a single, that man needs woman, that woman needs man, or that singleness is not a gift. But not these authors! They biblically explain the blessing and joy of marriage while encouraging joy and contentment on singleness.
A common misconception I have encountered among singles is the idea that "singleness is a gift." But those same people have a desire for marriage. I really appreciate how clear this book is that the gift of singleness is a very rare thing and only applies to those select few who have no romantic inclinations. They then go on to explain that it is a trial that we must persevere through (with contentment and reliance on the Lord of course).
Some thoughts and quotes from each chapter:
Love Made New (God's Design in Creation):
-"So Adam's lordship was to take the form of nurturing. How directly this confronts the view of our society that men should be stoic and unfeeling!"
-"she was the servant-helper and Adam was the servant-lord."
- "Helper was not a position for Eve to fight, but a function for her to fulfill."
-"Too many Christian men rely on their male relationships for spiritual support, when what they most need is a godly woman."
-building blocks of a relationship: commitment, intimacy, interdependence.
Trouble in Paradise (The relationship fallen in sin):
-"Sin twists commitment into selfishness, intimacy into secrecy and shame, and interdependence into conflict"
-"The woman was made to be a helper to the man, but not to be his worshipper. For you to seek your ultimate fulfillment in a relationship with a man is to be guilty of idolatry."
- "Because of this curse, feminine sin involves disrespect toward men, challenging for control, belittling comments, incessant nagging, and exploiting his weaknesses, all in the place of godly respect and helpful companionship."
Put on Love (the relationship redeemed in Christ):
-"If we want to learn love, then this is the way: by letting Christ rule our hearts, with thanksgiving, as His Word dwells richly in us, teaching and admonishing us in the way of God's love."
God's Blueprint for Love (the relationship redeemed in Christ part 2):
-"...a man should take it as his responsibility to lead the relationship, ensuring that it honors God and is a blessing to the woman he is dating."
-"God also places a man in a relationship with a woman so that she will grow spiritually within the safe confines of his loving care. This is masculine love, as defined by God: to nurture and to protect."
-"A gold man will seek to become knowledgeable about the woman he is spending time with and not just how she looks and what kind of fun she likes to have."
-"[A healthy dating relationship] is where the woman can entrust her heart to the man and be blessed by his caring ministry of encouragement and help."
-"The fact is that women are in a position of vulnerability with respect to men."
-"Instead of belittling a woman's emotional concerns and begrudging the ministry this calls for, a godly man will express the word of her heart and the value he places on the ministry that she needs from him."
-"In dating, she helps the man by letting him lead the relationship and honoring God alongside Him. She helps him by being respectful of his ideas and his relationship to the Lord."
-"Instead of demanding and always evaluating a man, she helps him to do and to be those things that God calls for in his life and in their relationship."
-"A relationship that is heading toward marriage should be one in which the woman feels an increasing trust in the man and the man feels an increasing respect for her."
Words to the Wise (a proverbial take on attraction):
-"Does she win admiration, thus reflecting positively on her man? This reflects the way she dresses, the way she talks, the way she treats people and responds to situations, and the kinds of friends and associations she has."
-"The wise man looks for such a woman to whom to give his heart (and his future children, and his bank account), and to her he can wisely make the commitments demanded by real love."
-"Beauty is, of course, a gift from God. Indeed, beauty is one of the most precious gifts that a woman brings into a man's otherwise drab and utilitarian existence."
-"But there is such a thing as a godly ambition, and a man ought to desire to improve his family's circumstances and to accomplish things in his work."
Table for Two (the first date):
Great chapter but I didn't highlight anything as I had already past that date by the time I read the book :)
The Big C-Word (to commit or not to commit?):
-"For a dating relationship to move forward in a healthy, godly way, the man must be willing to take the lead in a discussion about the commitment level of the relationship."
-"Every relationship is different, but every relationship has a need for honest communication and the clearing of expectations about commitment."
-"If you are waiting for the "perfect person," you are goin to wait forever- and remember, you're not such a peach yourself!"
-"On the other hand, too many people are paralyzed by their lack of trust in God so that they never commit even to potentially wonderful partners."
-"Go to God in prayer; tell Him why you want to commit to a certain man or woman (or why you are afraid to). Ask Him to let you trust Him first, and then, based on faith, decide what to do."
Could this be Love? (From dating to marriage):
-"A typical mistake made by Christian singles is to ask, "How far can we go?" The very question reveals a troubling attitude and the one who asks it has already gone too far."
-"Just as married couples honor God by protecting their union at all times, so do singles honor marriage by not even putting themselves in situations in which natural temptations can be acted upon."
-"After all, if you are sleeping together, you are not going to spend a lot of time in coffee shops discussing the majesty of God, sharing whaat your childhoods were like, or laughing at the shoes of people walking by."
-"A Christin man who takes the lead in sexual purity, and who tells the woman that hr heart means more to him than her body, and her purity is more valuable to him than his own pleasure, liberates her from a cruel bondage and gives her a blessing that words can hardly describe."
Waiting for love?:
-"TO be sure, the Bible speaks of the gift of singleness. But if you are reading this book-and especially if you are still reading it- you obviously do not have this gift!"
-"Singleness involves loneliness, sexual frustration, and unfulfilled dreams... Singleness may be a trial, but it is not the only trial. Married people have trials - lots of them, in fact."
-"None of us has the circumstances we really want, and the circumstances we have always provide us with challenges."
-"Perhaps your frustrations in waiting for love are intended to draw you nearer to God and to teach you reliance on HIs grace."
Overall, I would highly recommend to any Christian, single or dating. It is a highly useful book.
May 23, 2015
Rick and Sharon Phillips led a singles ministry at Tenth Presbyterian Church for 10 years, which has informed their outlook on singleness, dating and marriage expressed in "Holding Hands, Holding Hearts." Unfortunately, the opinion they've formed can best be summed up as, "We know that almost all you Christians are approaching dating in the wrong manner, so let us tell you the right way to do it." Out of all the anecdotes they give about the couples they've counseled, it seems as though there are no happy endings; apparently no one displayed wisdom in their period of dating. Actually, one couple approached dating in a mature way: Rick and Sharon Phillips. Nearly every other dating story turns out poorly.
This is not a good way to encourage Christians to date or get married.
But the heart of this book is not in its anecdotes; the book is grounded in theology. So is it good dating theology? Unfortunately, no. Although the authors try to avoid it, they end up putting down singleness. "Too many Christian men rely on their male relationships for spiritual support, when what they most need is a godly woman...Only a woman is a suitable helper for a man." (p. 30) Yet Daniel, Jesus, and Paul depended much on their male companions, and never married as far as we know.
The book also puts down the role of women. On page 44, they discuss God's curse on Eve: "Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you." Now read how the authors interpret this passage:
"Under God's curse, the woman desires not only to have the man but to control him. The second way to understand this curse of desire is in the context of rule. Adam was created to rule: to exercise dominion over the creation and to be the head of the woman (see 1 Cor. 11:3). But now the woman will strive against male rule and manipulate to gain control." (p. 46)
Here we see a sad case of Christian authors manipulating scripture to support an unbiblical belief. When God says to Eve, "he shall rule over you," it's clear that God is not saying that it's good and morally okay for men to rule over women. (If you read it that way, you'd also have to conclude Genesis 3:15 is God telling Satan that it's good and morally okay for him to attack Jesus!) "He shall rule over you" is a curse. But they try to convince us that the real curse is woman ruling over man.
Of course, not everything in this book is unbiblical. In fact, the chapter on commitment is pretty good. But I wouldn't recommend the book to anyone; there is too much chaff to sort through to make it a worthwhile read.
This is not a good way to encourage Christians to date or get married.
But the heart of this book is not in its anecdotes; the book is grounded in theology. So is it good dating theology? Unfortunately, no. Although the authors try to avoid it, they end up putting down singleness. "Too many Christian men rely on their male relationships for spiritual support, when what they most need is a godly woman...Only a woman is a suitable helper for a man." (p. 30) Yet Daniel, Jesus, and Paul depended much on their male companions, and never married as far as we know.
The book also puts down the role of women. On page 44, they discuss God's curse on Eve: "Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you." Now read how the authors interpret this passage:
"Under God's curse, the woman desires not only to have the man but to control him. The second way to understand this curse of desire is in the context of rule. Adam was created to rule: to exercise dominion over the creation and to be the head of the woman (see 1 Cor. 11:3). But now the woman will strive against male rule and manipulate to gain control." (p. 46)
Here we see a sad case of Christian authors manipulating scripture to support an unbiblical belief. When God says to Eve, "he shall rule over you," it's clear that God is not saying that it's good and morally okay for men to rule over women. (If you read it that way, you'd also have to conclude Genesis 3:15 is God telling Satan that it's good and morally okay for him to attack Jesus!) "He shall rule over you" is a curse. But they try to convince us that the real curse is woman ruling over man.
Of course, not everything in this book is unbiblical. In fact, the chapter on commitment is pretty good. But I wouldn't recommend the book to anyone; there is too much chaff to sort through to make it a worthwhile read.
December 5, 2016
I would love to give this book a better review because it did make some very valid points and offered some practical advice... which I seem to have forgotten while seething over a few other points.
First of all, I don't believe that anyone who believes marriage is the end goal has any business doing "ministry" to singles, so that kind of put me off from the start. But here are three additional reasons I believe this book is more harmful than helpful:
1) Platonic friendships. Contrary the the authors' belief, they do exist. And even in the event that one friend has pondered the completely natural "I wonder" question that all singles consider when engaging with someone of the opposite sex, friendship still happens. And that's okay. Friendship is a valid, necessary thing. A spouse is not the only companion you will need in life. It is not harmful for men to seek female companionship without necessarily seeking a wife. (Also, authors are not allowed to flip-flop positions by telling me first that my guy friends are undoubtedly in love with me and then say that I am in danger of becoming "just one of the guys" and therefore unlovable to the entire male species.)
2) I am not "deterred from marriage by selfish delusions of freedom" nor do I posses "an idolatrous desire for success or money or fame," and I certainly do not have "an inability to love." Perhaps I am merely deterred by the fact that I have not yet found someone whom I feel that I could serve God better with than without. Perhaps my desires are for kingdom things and I have thus far found no one who shares my heartbeat. Perhaps marriage is not the only lifestyle that is pleasing to God.
3) While I also find the phrase "Singleness is a gift" exhausting at times, I am not so delusional as to say it is not a gift except to those very few who will remain unmarried (supposedly by choice?) all their lives. The authors state that singleness is not a gift, but a trial. This is ludicrous as it is the equivalent of saying life is not a gift, but a trial. Life is often a trial, but it is also a gift, and for those of us who are single for this season, singleness is life. It is a long, difficult, often joyless path, but it is life and life is a gift.
I know this book was written about dating and therefore meant for people who are looking to take that step, but I hate the huge push on marriage like it is the holiest of all the callings. Marriage is a huge commitment that many singles feel pressured to rush into. These authors are some of the people applying the pressure.
First of all, I don't believe that anyone who believes marriage is the end goal has any business doing "ministry" to singles, so that kind of put me off from the start. But here are three additional reasons I believe this book is more harmful than helpful:
1) Platonic friendships. Contrary the the authors' belief, they do exist. And even in the event that one friend has pondered the completely natural "I wonder" question that all singles consider when engaging with someone of the opposite sex, friendship still happens. And that's okay. Friendship is a valid, necessary thing. A spouse is not the only companion you will need in life. It is not harmful for men to seek female companionship without necessarily seeking a wife. (Also, authors are not allowed to flip-flop positions by telling me first that my guy friends are undoubtedly in love with me and then say that I am in danger of becoming "just one of the guys" and therefore unlovable to the entire male species.)
2) I am not "deterred from marriage by selfish delusions of freedom" nor do I posses "an idolatrous desire for success or money or fame," and I certainly do not have "an inability to love." Perhaps I am merely deterred by the fact that I have not yet found someone whom I feel that I could serve God better with than without. Perhaps my desires are for kingdom things and I have thus far found no one who shares my heartbeat. Perhaps marriage is not the only lifestyle that is pleasing to God.
3) While I also find the phrase "Singleness is a gift" exhausting at times, I am not so delusional as to say it is not a gift except to those very few who will remain unmarried (supposedly by choice?) all their lives. The authors state that singleness is not a gift, but a trial. This is ludicrous as it is the equivalent of saying life is not a gift, but a trial. Life is often a trial, but it is also a gift, and for those of us who are single for this season, singleness is life. It is a long, difficult, often joyless path, but it is life and life is a gift.
I know this book was written about dating and therefore meant for people who are looking to take that step, but I hate the huge push on marriage like it is the holiest of all the callings. Marriage is a huge commitment that many singles feel pressured to rush into. These authors are some of the people applying the pressure.
April 14, 2021
10/10. If you don’t read any other books on dating, read this one.
Part one is a biblical theology of gender/relationships with a theology of attraction from Proverbs.
Part two is practical advice on dating.
In short: the Bible had both nothing and everything to say about dating, because it’s a cultural thing (that we can’t just kiss goodbye) and must navigate wisely. They do a very good job of the navigating, saying nothing with which I would disagree and much that is sane, sober, and deeply wise.
Part one is a biblical theology of gender/relationships with a theology of attraction from Proverbs.
Part two is practical advice on dating.
In short: the Bible had both nothing and everything to say about dating, because it’s a cultural thing (that we can’t just kiss goodbye) and must navigate wisely. They do a very good job of the navigating, saying nothing with which I would disagree and much that is sane, sober, and deeply wise.
March 3, 2023
Really good book with practical and Biblical advice!
August 22, 2024
I read this book with Lucie per the recommendation of Andrew, and it was very good. The first chapter is very good and draws you in effectively with a biblical view of our roles as men and women. The book is filled with quotable lines that the authors often repeat in larger letters.
For example, "The woman was made out of a rib: not out of his head to rule him, nor out of his feet to be trampled by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be loved." (pg. 27-28)
The book overall is very balanced between pragmatics and concept analysis, and weaves in a lot of Scripture to make its points. The main areas in which the book focuses are the concepts of commitment, intimacy, and interdependence, in that order. It is not a difficult read in any capacity. It certainly reaches its climax in chapter 8, the second-to-last chapter. I have found that the main Scripture employed in this book, from my understanding, is Psalm 16:11, which says,
[11] "You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore."
I've attached some quotes in this book which I found to be moving and helpful.
"Marriage is not based on compatibility, but on your willingness to love." (pg. 122)
"Many adult men pursue "friendships" with women because they need feminine companionship but aren't willing to commit to marriage." (pg. 122)
"Sex is given for our good. But God gave sex to be the servant of love and never the slave of lust." (pg. 143)
"What matters most is not finding the right person, but being the right person -- the person that God wants you to be." (pg. 155)
I had very minor quarrels with this book and I think that if you are in a relationship or are looking to be in one, you will benefit greatly from this book. Don't let the bad cover push you away.
For example, "The woman was made out of a rib: not out of his head to rule him, nor out of his feet to be trampled by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be loved." (pg. 27-28)
The book overall is very balanced between pragmatics and concept analysis, and weaves in a lot of Scripture to make its points. The main areas in which the book focuses are the concepts of commitment, intimacy, and interdependence, in that order. It is not a difficult read in any capacity. It certainly reaches its climax in chapter 8, the second-to-last chapter. I have found that the main Scripture employed in this book, from my understanding, is Psalm 16:11, which says,
[11] "You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore."
I've attached some quotes in this book which I found to be moving and helpful.
"Marriage is not based on compatibility, but on your willingness to love." (pg. 122)
"Many adult men pursue "friendships" with women because they need feminine companionship but aren't willing to commit to marriage." (pg. 122)
"Sex is given for our good. But God gave sex to be the servant of love and never the slave of lust." (pg. 143)
"What matters most is not finding the right person, but being the right person -- the person that God wants you to be." (pg. 155)
I had very minor quarrels with this book and I think that if you are in a relationship or are looking to be in one, you will benefit greatly from this book. Don't let the bad cover push you away.
March 5, 2019
This book was easy to read and full of wisdom and great quotes. It seems to have a very biblical and well rounded view of dating. I would highly recommend it to anyone, and it would even be a good book to read while still single. some people will like the book others will not because it's obviously a very personal topic, but its worth reading and thinking about. It is biblically centered and has some practical advice too.
March 17, 2008
One of the cheasiest titles and covers of all time, but some really thoughtful content concerning Biblically-centered relationships (I think most "Christian dating books" suck!).
March 7, 2024
"Holding Hands, Holding Hearts" is a refreshing take on Christian dating, offering practical advice and biblical insights in a concise and compelling manner. Authored by Richard D. and Sharon L. Phillips, this Kindle edition book provides a roadmap for navigating the complexities of modern romance with faith and integrity.
The strength of "Holding Hands, Holding Hearts" lies in its commitment to a biblical perspective on dating. Through personal anecdotes and real-world examples, the Phillipses guide readers through topics such as the purpose of dating, setting boundaries, and cultivating spiritual compatibility.
What sets this book apart is its emphasis on honoring God in relationships. By emphasizing mutual respect, communication, and spiritual alignment, the authors empower singles to approach dating with intentionality and purpose.
Whether you're single, dating, or engaged, "Holding Hands, Holding Hearts" offers timeless wisdom that transcends cultural norms. It's a must-read for anyone seeking to navigate the complexities of romance with grace and wisdom grounded in faith.
In summary, "Holding Hands, Holding Hearts" is a valuable resource for Christians looking to cultivate healthy, God-centered relationships. With its blend of biblical truth and practical advice, it equips readers to pursue love with purpose and passion while honoring God every step of the way.
The strength of "Holding Hands, Holding Hearts" lies in its commitment to a biblical perspective on dating. Through personal anecdotes and real-world examples, the Phillipses guide readers through topics such as the purpose of dating, setting boundaries, and cultivating spiritual compatibility.
What sets this book apart is its emphasis on honoring God in relationships. By emphasizing mutual respect, communication, and spiritual alignment, the authors empower singles to approach dating with intentionality and purpose.
Whether you're single, dating, or engaged, "Holding Hands, Holding Hearts" offers timeless wisdom that transcends cultural norms. It's a must-read for anyone seeking to navigate the complexities of romance with grace and wisdom grounded in faith.
In summary, "Holding Hands, Holding Hearts" is a valuable resource for Christians looking to cultivate healthy, God-centered relationships. With its blend of biblical truth and practical advice, it equips readers to pursue love with purpose and passion while honoring God every step of the way.
September 11, 2023
A really solid book and good read about dating as Christians. While dating isn’t in the Bible, the Bible can still inform us when we are dating so that we are wise in it. It sets up good foundations in the first half on the creation of man and woman, the fall, the curse, and marriage. Those basics then inform us on how we are to be when we date. It addresses various practical topics: first date, the roles of the guy and girl when dating, our attitudes in dating, when to commit, comparability- but really the author boils it down to if we ourselves are committed and pursuing the Lord first. If we are: we can learn to serve and love the other, graciously forgiving when they fall short, so that the experience of dating, whether it ends in marriage or not, is spiritually encouraging for the other. Marriage will not complete us and if we are not satisfied as singles, we will not be satisfied in marriage. We must not make an idol out of it as marriage is not the end all, God is. We were made for God alone and even our dating should reflect that. Solid foundations that then lead to really good practical points.
February 1, 2018
Essentially a variation on the courtship model that allows for a broader concession of what a dating relationship entails. The Phillips have some valid and good things to say when they speak in broad brush strokes, but as they delve into specifics, they begin to provide extra-biblical "wisdom" to Christian singles. Most of it stems from a negative view of singleness ("singleness is not a gift...singleness is a trial") and an inflated view of marriage ("it takes a woman to make a real man"). In summary, it sounds like a couple of parents who have a solid grasp of the bible and yet view their way as the best way without much consideration for the Bible's statement of mystery in Proverbs 30:18-19:
Three things are too wondrous for me;
four I can’t understand:
the way of an eagle in the sky,
the way of a snake on a rock,
the way of a ship at sea,
and the way of a man with a young woman.
Three things are too wondrous for me;
four I can’t understand:
the way of an eagle in the sky,
the way of a snake on a rock,
the way of a ship at sea,
and the way of a man with a young woman.
May 3, 2020
Add this to the list of books that every single Christian not-yet married should read. This will be a required reading for other men that I interact with. I cannot emphasize enough the profound effect that book has had on my biblical view of dating. If you’re reading this review and want to be married, buy it.
“My son, if you receive my words and treasure up my commandments with you, making your ear attentive to wisdom and inclining your heart to understanding; yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God.” -Proverbs 2:1-5
“My son, if you receive my words and treasure up my commandments with you, making your ear attentive to wisdom and inclining your heart to understanding; yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God.” -Proverbs 2:1-5
January 5, 2024
My only complaint about this book is the introduction states it is not for teenagers. IMHO, if a teenager cannot handle this and is not mature enough for it, they are not ready for dating. As a mom to teenagers, this will be a go to. I love all the scripture references and the questions to ask yourself during different phrases of getting to know the opposite sex. I did not find this book legalistic at all, rather a reminder of where hearts should be during dating, and how to keep God as center.
July 9, 2025
my friend’s grandmother gave me this book, so i read it. agreed for the most part until the last chapter where it talked about singleness not being gift, but a trial for majority of adult Christians. then it talked about contentment which is good, but still viewing singleness as a trial to be endured rather then a gift to be enjoyed. overall it good.
June 13, 2020
Definitely a recommended read for all who are contemplating dating or are currently in phase of courtship. In my opinion, this book offers a biblical perspective on courtship which runs in stark contrast with what the mass media tends to portray frivolously.
November 17, 2023
This was a very good book. I’d highly recommend it.
Walked through a relationship between a man and a woman very well and how sin ruins relationships. I wish and hope every young Christian would read this before getting into a serious relationship.
Walked through a relationship between a man and a woman very well and how sin ruins relationships. I wish and hope every young Christian would read this before getting into a serious relationship.
March 7, 2018
LOVED IT!!!!!!!!
February 21, 2020
I'm 98% sure no one complaining about it has read it.
March 11, 2021
Amazing read!! I’m going to use this to help guide a singleness blog I’m starting. So practical for dating in this crazy world!
March 5, 2022
Cheesy title, but full of wisdom.
March 9, 2024
Read young, bad cover.
June 13, 2024
Realistic. Biblical. Helpful.
This book in 3 words. Good for both singles and couples.
Helped me in my journey.
This book in 3 words. Good for both singles and couples.
Helped me in my journey.
February 7, 2025
This book taught me unique, detailed and practical biblical principles that I have never learned before. It really subdued my heart and taught me to never be attracted easily to any man but to consider the godliness of the person first before anything.
However, as I study more and more about the concept of dating and marriage, I learned that not every godly man that I will ever meet is a potential mate. It really depends on God's providence and the availability of both parties.
However, as I study more and more about the concept of dating and marriage, I learned that not every godly man that I will ever meet is a potential mate. It really depends on God's providence and the availability of both parties.
April 25, 2025
This book was a great read for my girlfriend (now wife) to walk through as to how we can honor God within the dating context. He makes biblical arguments that helped lead us to create solid boundaries while dating, so that way we can focus more on how God want's us to act when we are dating and engaged. A must-read for dating Christian couples.
September 29, 2011
I wrote the following review for the Christian Library Journal several years ago. The girl I refer to is now my wife:
Richard and Sharon Phillips have the experience and, more importantly, the biblical knowledge necessary to deal with the sensitive topic they cover in Holding Hands, Holding Hearts: Recovering a Biblical View of Christian Dating. Their words are aimed at single young adults, not teenagers. They want to help men and women who are in the appropriate season of life to be considering marriage.
As I write this, I am sending e-mails back and forth with a girl (if only my mother would read the Christian Library Journal, she would know). Holding Hands, Holding Hearts provides practical and yet incisive counsel for men and women in my position. The book provides plenty of advice which would seem very strange to the non-Christian world, but that is because the authors are willing to take with utter seriousness the demands of the Bible.
In fact, the Phillipses lay considerable theological groundwork—mining primarily Genesis, the same portion of the Bible Jesus appealed to when discussing marriage—before getting to what would be the first page of most Christian dating books, and their book is not laced with quite the number of stories which make so many other books easier going. This format will be refreshing to earnest, serious, theologically focused singles (and a valuable challenge to those singles who should have those qualities). However, the Phillipses’ work could actually do to be laced with a few of those stories other books use! A book like Josh Harris’s Boy Meets Girl is just as theologically sensitive, but is a more entertaining and engaging read.
Richard and Sharon Phillips have the experience and, more importantly, the biblical knowledge necessary to deal with the sensitive topic they cover in Holding Hands, Holding Hearts: Recovering a Biblical View of Christian Dating. Their words are aimed at single young adults, not teenagers. They want to help men and women who are in the appropriate season of life to be considering marriage.
As I write this, I am sending e-mails back and forth with a girl (if only my mother would read the Christian Library Journal, she would know). Holding Hands, Holding Hearts provides practical and yet incisive counsel for men and women in my position. The book provides plenty of advice which would seem very strange to the non-Christian world, but that is because the authors are willing to take with utter seriousness the demands of the Bible.
In fact, the Phillipses lay considerable theological groundwork—mining primarily Genesis, the same portion of the Bible Jesus appealed to when discussing marriage—before getting to what would be the first page of most Christian dating books, and their book is not laced with quite the number of stories which make so many other books easier going. This format will be refreshing to earnest, serious, theologically focused singles (and a valuable challenge to those singles who should have those qualities). However, the Phillipses’ work could actually do to be laced with a few of those stories other books use! A book like Josh Harris’s Boy Meets Girl is just as theologically sensitive, but is a more entertaining and engaging read.
February 24, 2024
Favorite dating book! 3 pillars of marriage are commitment, intimacy, interdependence. These must grow in dating, and we must date with an eye toward marriage. Sets a good biblical foundation of God’s design for marriage and talks how our sin taints it/common struggles for men and women. Talks about attraction. Then talks about first date, dating, and moving toward engagement.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
January 26, 2016
This book falls under the "I-should-have-read-this-before" category. Those who consider marriage will benefit largely with the wisdom printed in its pages. It is both refreshing and realistic. Here's their final word to singles:
"Finally, Christian singles, while acting in faith to seek a spouse, must make themselves useful to Christ and his church in every possible way. Singleness may not be a gift, but it certainly offers lots of time for most people. Use that time for the glory of God and the good of Christ's people. Singleness is particularly a time for service. This means that if you have time, give it to Jesus. Devote yourself to studying his Word and to developing strong habits of prayer and worship. If you have gifts (and you do), use them for service in the church and for extending Christ's kingdom. People are perishing in sin with no one to tell them the gospel. Can you reach out to them? Can you extend a caring hand and a warm smile? Can you tell them the good news that Jesus came to redeem us from our sin?"
"Finally, Christian singles, while acting in faith to seek a spouse, must make themselves useful to Christ and his church in every possible way. Singleness may not be a gift, but it certainly offers lots of time for most people. Use that time for the glory of God and the good of Christ's people. Singleness is particularly a time for service. This means that if you have time, give it to Jesus. Devote yourself to studying his Word and to developing strong habits of prayer and worship. If you have gifts (and you do), use them for service in the church and for extending Christ's kingdom. People are perishing in sin with no one to tell them the gospel. Can you reach out to them? Can you extend a caring hand and a warm smile? Can you tell them the good news that Jesus came to redeem us from our sin?"
May 4, 2012
A very practical book on how to apply the Biblical principle into courtship. Christ is our ultimate example of love, and thus we ought to ask ourselves before engaging in a dating relationship and further into marriage: "Are we willing to love in self-sacrificing, nurturing way the Bible describes? Are we willing to learn to love this way?"
What should we now do as a single? One thing for sure is we ought to prepare ourselves to the next phase of our life. If you have time, give it to Jesus. Study His Word and develop strong habits of prayer and worship. Use your gifts for service. Reach out to the lost. Extend a caring hand and a warm smile. These habits that we develop as a single will carry over into marriage, and you may pass them on to our children as well. The other thing is to learn to be content. If you cannot be contented in singleness, you will not be contented in marriage. We can be content - through Christ!
What should we now do as a single? One thing for sure is we ought to prepare ourselves to the next phase of our life. If you have time, give it to Jesus. Study His Word and develop strong habits of prayer and worship. Use your gifts for service. Reach out to the lost. Extend a caring hand and a warm smile. These habits that we develop as a single will carry over into marriage, and you may pass them on to our children as well. The other thing is to learn to be content. If you cannot be contented in singleness, you will not be contented in marriage. We can be content - through Christ!
August 8, 2016
Richard and Sharon Phillips beautifully expound on what a godly, Christ-centered, biblically-founded relationship between an unmarried couple is to be. The book is well organized. First laying the foundation of what God has intended for marriage, Richard and Sharon take the reader systematically through God's Word; the second half of the book then is what Christians are to practically do when dating or seeking to date. An extremely easy read (which is what wisdom books should be), Holding Hands, Holding Hearts is the greatest help I have ever received in regards to my relationship with God and how it relates to my relationship with whomever God puts me with. I will be recommending this book to all Christian singles I know, as well as those already in a relationship.
Praise the Lord for this book - for the wisdom that He has given Richard and Sharon Phillips to share with His church.
Praise the Lord for this book - for the wisdom that He has given Richard and Sharon Phillips to share with His church.
March 26, 2022
One of the best and more balanced and biblicaly focused dating books out there for Christians, most seem to gravitate at either just bashing dating due to personal experience and then promote courting (which really is just another label for dating, or the "evangelical off-brand" you could say or it) and the The Phillips worked with the singles ministry at Tenth Presbyterian Church in Philadelphia, and they have a real love for singles and lots of practical, wise advice. It demolishes many of the uber misguided views of dating/courtship and lays the foundation of getting to the heart of things, to have a right mind-set and working to establish a God-honoring relationship and being able to be content in Christ whether you are currently single or not.I recommended this book highly!
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