Attachments: Why You Love, Feel, and Act the Way You Do

by Tim Clinton, Gary Sibcy

At some point in life, most people wonder why they feel and act the way they do. They're sometimes puzzled by their inability to connect or even get along with those who mean the most to them. The answer to this mystery lies in the profound effect of a child's bonding process with his or her parents. How successfully we form and maintain relationships throughout life is related to the early issues of "Attachment." The authors have sited four primary bonding styles that explain why people love, think, feel and act the way they do. Attachments gives the reader the understanding and the tools to steer away from negative patterns of relating. This book is for anyone who desires closeness, especially in the most intimate marriage, children, close friends and ultimately with God.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Parenting, Counselling, Self Help, Relationships, Marriage

288 pages, Hardcover

First published October 1, 2002

About the author

Also credited as Timothy Clinton

Tim Clinton, Ed. D. is President of the nearly 50,000-member American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC), the largest and most diverse Christian counseling association in the world. He is Professor of Counseling and Pastoral Care, and Executive Director of the Center for Counseling and Family Studies at Liberty University. Licensed in Virginia as both a Professional Counselor (LPC) and Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), Tim now spends a majority of his time working with Christian leaders and professional athletes. He is recognized as a world leader in faith and mental health issues and has authored 20 books including his latest, Breakthrough: When to Give In, When to Push Back. Most importantly, Tim has been married 31 years to his wife Julie and together they have two children, Megan and Zach.

Reviews

[Miriam · Rating 4 out of 5]

Everyone should read this. Though it is meant to help parents, I, as a teenager, still took a lot away from this. Very educational and a great book on psychology. 100% recommend to anyone who wishes to understand people (or themselves) better.

[Stephanie Greer · Rating 5 out of 5]

The first time I heard about attachment theory I was 🤯. This is the clearest and most comprehensive overview of it that I’ve read.

[Zoie]

I don't rate books for school!! Text me or talk to me if you want to know what I thought!

[Andrej Kamenský · Rating 5 out of 5]

Have you had that feeling while reading a book that "this should be taught in schools" or "everyone should read this!"? This is that book. Attachment theory in psychology is a key topic for relationships and this book was so deep, easy to read and gentle.

I was quite surprised to learn that it was not only psychological, but also set into a deep christian biblical and spirituality context. Non-christians might become a little distracted by this fact. So take care when picking the right attachment book for you ;)

Otherwise I so recommend this book. I made 281 highlights which is probably the most of any book I read in kindle.

Do you think relationships are important for life? If yes, you have to read this. No? You have to read this even more :)

[Judi]

Excellent book! I read this from my preferred reading list from a course I'm taking in Correctional Ministries: Case Management and Mentoring in Reentry. It steps you through the very beginning of the formation of your attachments from infancy through your formative years. It provides insight into why we are the way we are and how we can change. It takes you through the four attachment types (ambivalent, avoidant, disorganized as the insecure types and then secure), how they respond to certain situations, etc. It was a great book to read and one I will use as a reference as I continue mentoring in the correctional systems.

[Michelle · Rating 3 out of 5]

It's hard to write a review for this book because I felt strongly in two directions. On the one hand, it does a stellar job of presenting attachment theory and attachment styles in an organized, easily digested way. The authors use lots of examples to illustrate the points, making it easy to understand.

On the other hand, the christianity is so heavy handed! At one point, it's just a mind-numbing list of scriptures. Also some of the humor is pretty insensitive -- sexist mostly.

So while I appreciated what this book had to offer, I don't see myself recommending it.

[Ashley Hare 🐇 · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a wonderfully accessible book that aims to help us understand the why behind our inner thoughts. I found it incredibly helpful and healing to get the background of how and why I think the way I do; sometimes constructively and otherwise times not so.

Highly recommend to anyone high school and above

Written from a Christian world view but not so much that a non believer wouldn’t find the information helpful.

[Mackenzie Donegan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Incredibly helpful book! Read for parenting reasons but ended up learning more about myself and marriage than anything else.

[Matthew · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book helps me with responding in a loving, nurturing way instead of being defensive. With my attachment style in mind, I am able to choose the path of recovery rather than leading down the road to more pain. Great book!

[Brandi · Rating 1 out of 5]

Couldn’t finish this book. Tried to power through but there were too many things that made me cringe. Maybe it’s outdated but I’ve read better books on attachment styles, and life is too short to read a book that doesn’t align with your core values while delivered basic information.

[Michael Kennedy · Rating 4 out of 5]

It took me a hot minute to finish this one. I loved the content overall, but given personal life circumstances it just took me a long time. I faced the battle of “what’ll it expose about me this time” every time I picked it up- which made me not want to pick it up. In the end, I finished it and I’m proud that I did. I’ve already seen what I learned early on from reading this how it’s helped me in my work as a counselor, in my friendships, and in my family relationships. I’ll definitely seek out more material on Attachments after reading this book.

A conclusión that I came to when I struggled with picking this book up about a month ago was that I think it’s worth the pain that comes with picking it up (and hence pursuing self-awareness), because the pain from choosing that self awareness is not as great as the pain that would come from me choosing to not read the book (and hence choosing ignorance). The pain that comes from blatantly choosing that ignorance is worse than the pain that comes from the hard work of pursuing self-awareness. you can quote me on that^.

[Scott Thompson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting book on attachment theory. Honestly, it dragged a little and was mostly forgettable. If you really wanted to delve into the psychology of it as part of a Master's program then knock yourself out. Otherwise just google attachment theory and save yourself some time.

[Pam · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting book on how your relationships effect your life.

[Matt Carpenter · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book discusses a theory of of psychology developed by Dr. John Bolby known as attachment theory. In short, the person you are is largely based on the attachments you formed with your parents while growing up. It submits that there are four attachment "styles," people adopt. The first half of the book develops each of the styles, avoidant, ambivalent, disorganized, and secure. The second half pursues methods of cure for people with the first three poor attachment styles (secure being the best and healthiest).

I can appreciate some of the theory as it helps me to understand how people relate and respond to others. As a diagnostic tool, it can be helpful. However the portion on cure is heavy on psychology and light on Scripture. I bring that up because this is a book on Christian psychology. While some may consider this a minor quibble, pastors and Christian counselors need more guidance than what is given in the last chapters. The book is a good tool in a counselor's toolbox, but one must be careful that the book's thesis doesn't cloud the frame of everyone who comes in for help.

[Adam · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.7 Stars.

It was good. It wasn't great. The first half really hit it solid. Great review of emotional health in terms of relationships, both good and bad. The second half strayed because it got a little more prescriptive, particularly as they included spirituality into their suggestions, and it just wasn't shared in a strong enough way to really warrant any more than 3 stars. I really wish someone would write a book where there is a hybrid of parenting situations and ideal parenting interactions. Or relationship situations and the healthy way to respond to them. There are always lots of examples of wrong situations to learn from, but they never spend time on right situations to learn from. This did have a little of that, but not enough.

[Emily Ann · Rating 5 out of 5]

Incredibly helpful book that helped me grow in self knowledge and taught me how to love others better, too!

[Crystal Epperson · Rating 5 out of 5]

“When you always have to dance to be loved, who you are is constantly onstage. You’re only as good as your last A, your last sale, your last hit. And when your loved ones’ view of you can change in an instant, it cuts to the core of your being, tears at your soul. Yet you plod on. Why? Because—you guessed it—we were made for love. We need it—live by it—from the cradle to the grave. So we struggle to dance better and more often. And ultimately, this way of life focuses on what others think, feel, say, and do. As a result, a dependency develops, a sense that you are nothing or of little value apart from someone else.”

WOW. This book has really changed how I see the world and the relationships around me. It was a painful read because it unveiled parts of me I didn’t want to expose, but 10/10 I would recommend to anyone struggling to understand their relationships or the way they receive, give, and expect love.

[Jeffrey · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book enlightening in a sense. I found myself in some of the descriptions. Such as the ambivalent attachment style. Because of how I was raised and the description, it helped me identify something I needed to know. The hard part wasn't even the clear Christian linkage. It was more of the way it was put forward. In a way I was put off from the very beginning when the author stated that he dealt with anxiety and depression, but it was all cured just by him finding God. To me at least this treats God as a miracle cure to all things. That just your belief in God heals you and you never have to worry about depression or anything like that again.

[Nicole Sampson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was such an eye opener for me! This book would help anyone improve any relationships in their lives. I learned so much about myself and how I parent and why I do what I do. It helped me see where I can improve. I don't fully get how to change my attachment style from ambivalent to secure, but I probably need to read that part again. I was also able to understand my husband's parenting style better, which helped me empathize and be less critical of him in my head. I especially loved how so much of the book talked about God and how He parents us and how we can use Him as an example in our attachment style.

[Alicia · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book lays out the different attachments styles clearly and with understandable examples from clinical practice. The first part of the book lays out the theory and the second part talks about ways to alter our attachment style if it is not the secure style. I found the entire book to be accessible and easy to understand. This is great if you want to understand why you act the way you do in your various relationships or why others may act the way they do. The end goal is to have healthier relationships and I think it does a good job of showing the route there.

[Suzanne Anderson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Faith based book

I didn’t realize this book was so much about Jesus. I didn’t mind that, since I was brought up in the Christina church. It might throw some people off. It was an excellent look at relationships and ways people grow up feeling scared of them. It helped me look at my own style and the styles of those closest to me in a new way.

[Mark Etrheim · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good stuff

Mostly believe that the authors are mostly correct most of the time. Like any book about human behavior, it is forced to create catagories about behavor that enable the discussion. Problem is very few behavioral things fit into nice neat catagories. But it still a worthwhile effort to try and fetter out the whys of the behavior.

[Michelle Wadholm · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’ve been working through this with a student off and on since last year and it was excellent. There are so many sections that I noted and highlighted and will definitely be going back to - this is an incredible resource in knowing yourself and understanding the people around you well. It also explains how we all relate to God.
So good!

[Christine · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has SUCH good information, but be warned, if you need this book (because you have attachment issues) it will rip your heart out with every page. It churns up every hurt you've had since birth, well through adulthood, and shines a mirror on you. I had days I was despondent for hours after reading and I ended up having to take breaks of several days at a time.

[Mary Sasala · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was a 3.5. a good book to help people with relationship problems, parenting and marriage being the most discussed. I found their theory interesting but not world changing. There are certainly things I will take from the book and try to incorporate in my own relationships.

[Robert M Gallagher · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very informative. I can’t believe this info isn’t more mainstream yet. Perhaps the Christian bent these writers take hurt the popularity aspect. But attachment theory is getting there. This is a book that truly can change your life if you are anything but “securely attached.”

[J Michael · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read

This book is a must read for anyone who counsels other people. As a Christian Life Coach with a master's in Psychology, I've always hoped to have materials this good to share with clients.

[Alejandro wirth · Rating 5 out of 5]

we all have attachments..

This book ripped my heart out. I’m in the process of healing my heart and life from the attachments I’ve grown with. The time for you to heal from the past is now.

[Meredith O'Brien · Rating 5 out of 5]

Helpful insight into how our past experiences impact how we receive love from others and give. Good information for marriages, parenting, and somewhat friendships. Includes step process for healing and forgiveness as well. Will come back as needed.

[Maria]

DNF. I disliked how they described secure attachments. For all the other attachment styles they talked about the individual. However during the chapter about secure attachment style they talked about how her anger was justified because she knew her partner would respond well to her…