The Good Karma Divorce: Avoid Litigation, Turn Negative Emotions into Positive Actions, and Get On with the Rest of Your Life

by Michele F. Lowrance

[Michele Lowrance’s] advice is healing and revolutionary. She is clear-headed and open-hearted.” —Julia Cameron, bestselling author of The Artist’s Way The Good Karma Divorce is that rare guidebook that offers a concrete path to transforming painful experience into positive action. Family Judge Michele Lowrance, who experienced her parents’ divorce and two of her own, has developed what Karen Mathis, past president of the American Bar Association, describes as an “inspired and uplifting alternative to the agonizing divorce process.” Over the past four years, Judge Lowrance has seen literally one hundred percent of divorcing couples who applied the practices described in The Good Karma Divorce avoid trial. Firmly entrenched in real-world applicability, The Good Karma Divorce is a must-read not only for people in any phase of a divorce, but for psychologists, psychiatrists, attorneys, judges, and social workers, as well.

Genres: Nonfiction, Relationships

256 pages, Hardcover

First published December 29, 2009

About the author

Michele F. Lowrance has been a domestic relations judge in the Circuit Court of Illinois since 1995. A child of divorce who was raised by her grandparents, Judge Lowrance has been divorced and has devoted her professional life to helping those similarly situated. She is the author of the book The Good Karma Divorce: Avoid Litigation, Turn Negative Emotions into Positive Actions, and Get On with the Rest of Your Life.

Reviews

[Kaitlyn (ktxx22) Walker · Rating 5 out of 5]

As an ardent believer in karma both bad and good this was a very informative and reassuring read. It’s given me some real tangible options as I begin to grapple with this unexpected aspect of my life at present. Ways to mitigate harm to myself but most importantly my children. There are practices in this book that I do see myself using to maneuver through my anger and sadness; that alone will be more than enough good to come out of this reading experience. As always books continue to help me educate myself and navigate through things in my life in a way that I don’t think anything else can do.

[Dani · Rating 5 out of 5]

For anybody going through divorce or separation or uncoupling: read this book.

Lowrance has created a guidebook on how to have an amicable divorce. I listened to it. Then I bought it and read it again with a highlighter. The court system is not built to manage your emotions! The court will not pick sides or reduce your suffering - so read this book and learn how to come to a settlement you can live with, without it costing an arm and a leg. Or, if your divorce was years ago, then read the chapters on forgiveness and finding yourself and releasing your pent up emotions.

This book is one part lesson in divorce proceedings, litigation, and negotiations; one part managing your emotions during high conflict situations; one part self-help (write a letter and don't send it! Now write a letter to future you! etc); and one part Buddhist teachings on forgiveness, grace, and transformation.

Takeaways: create a personal manifesto and try to live up to it; feelings you feel are mirrored in your partner (anger reflects more anger); embrace the hills and valleys (the opposite of cozy is courage); create a parenting agreement; deal with self-pity by: making a plan of action and making a list of things you're grateful for because self-pity weakens the psyche and puts you at risk for depression; find your true value and take on new roles; lessons in making apologies and owning your own faults; create a civility contract; read and re-read the chapter on children and divorce.

[Margot · Rating 3 out of 5]

The Good Karma Divorce is written by a former divorce attorney turned domestic relations judge, who has also been through a divorce herself. She offers lots of good insights as well as practical activities to help you see your way through this difficult life event. The signposts section at the beginning of the book says that she goes through the emotional grief steps of getting through a divorce, but I didn't find that true. The only stage she really addresses is anger.

I did end up skimming through a couple of the last sections: about dealing with your children during divorce, and how to behave in divorce court.

[Ahalya · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good book at the right time ! my takeaways!!

1. judges do appreciate and understand intelligent claims more than emotional parties
2. it is important to be hero s of our children no matter what you are going through
3. remind yourself of your mistakes too and apologize when possible
4. state laws may be different from your moral values , so the reason for divorce should be aligned with those

[Mary Korsak]

It's human nature that when going though something in your life you want to learn all about it. Divorce has not been a part of my life for 45 years and now that I'm living it, I want to learn about it and so I am reading books. This is a very well written book and yes I think everyone going through a divorce should read it!

[Cathleen · Rating 4 out of 5]

This seems like it is written for wives in a cis-man/cis-woman divorce. I don't remember there being any caveat at the beginning mentioning it was for clarity of writing instead of swapping perspectives every other page. (That always seems so contrived and obnoxious to me anyway.) If there was a mention of this at the beginning then my rating would jump to 5 stars.

Much of the book focuses on contentious divorces or how to make it more civil. I'm facing an amicable divorce with both of us being reasonable and having our kids at the top of our priority lists. My husband and I had an agreement to split before any cheating happened - it would be clean and 100% no fuss. Nearly 24 years in I was confident that was not broken. I read the first few chapters believing that...and read the rest of the book knowing my confidence was misplaced. I'm glad I learned that and could pay better attention to the model of thinking she presented that helps move through the sting of it all. Nudging my mindset towards moving forward and not being bogged down with all negative thoughts and turning good memories to sludge was incredibly insightful and gently phrased.

The final section about helping children through the process was especially helpful. I see where we've already made some mistakes even though we've done a lot right by them. I listened to the book on our still-shared-Audible account and will suggest that section for him to hear as well.

[Kelly Audiogirl.booking.it · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a good book with some practical real life advice about dealing with ex spouses thru the divorce process and starting the work to heal. Reading this book written by a judge in family court that deals with this kind of case everday made me realize my divorce could have been much worse. I am very thankful that we didn't have to go to court to get it get it resolved. I found some of the exercises at the beginning to be particularly helpful at take a step back and recognize that letting the anger you feel towards ex spouse or the situation has the potential to make you feel stuck. If you let go of that anger and chose to move forward you actually help yourself even more than you help your ex spouse. Ultimately choosing to forgive, let go, be kind and move forward is going to be the best for all. Intellectually that makes so much sense. Its just a matter of in the moment of stressful interactions to be able to stop yourself from falling into the trap of old habits of behavior because those can be so hard to break. Its a work in progress for sure!

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[Don · Rating 5 out of 5]

left with no eyes a demolition derby looking for emotional justice, act with good actions, write down fears and goals, things treasured want to remember a picture angry things to promote benefits, start compassion understanding, 3 rules of engagement fight flight compassion/understanding-love, criticism only when asked for, complementary and critical to improve, new experiences or new eyes, betrayal compassion forgiveness life unpredictable, limited or no emotional experience, be superior to former self, children like flowers nurture and in a family, am sad my former self hurt you apologize i am sorry, the abuse of truth as a falsehood teller, understanding forgiveness compassion love all a choice, don't assume inquire spontaneity in romance only, recognize and stop shadowboxing conversations, acknowledge respect commitment with clarity.

[Phyllis · Rating 4 out of 5]

Please don't read if you're looking for a pill to make you feel better. The author is not on a mission to make the hurt end, but rather the text challenges you to look at the way you're allowing your thoughts and motivations to drive your actions. The most raw topic is that where there is a little person involved. Those elements are the ones I paid closet attention to

[Andrea · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting perspective from a legal and pragmatic approach, rather than the emotional component of the separation. Easier said than done…

[Lauren · Rating 3 out of 5]

Was ok

[HarperOne (an imprint of HarperCollins) · Rating 5 out of 5]

GoodBooksinBadTimes.com Review
To call Judge Michele Lowrance an expert on divorce is an under exaggeration. Having been divorced, she is a child of divorce, a former divorce lawyer, and for the last decade plus she has been a domestic relations judge in Chicago. She watched for years as couples overburdened with emotion decided that the best course of action was to simply give the court and judges complete control over their future. Not only their financial and custody decisions but their ability to work through the pain and negativity.

In her upcoming book, The Good Karma Divorce: Avoid Litigation, Turn Negative Emotions into Positive Actions, and Get On with the Rest of Your Life (HarperOne; January 2010,) Judge Lowrance puts forth a program to reverse the stereotypes of divorce and empowers couples to turn their negative emotions into positive actions. Because she has also been a practicing Buddhist for 17 years, she has come to see that the principle of Karma is the perfect model for transforming the divorce process.

Her book is full of stories from the court room, practical exercises and strategies for coping with the anger, pain and resentment of the divorce process. Something tells us this strategy is working, because over the past three years she has been using the principles of the Good Karma Divorce with couples on her trial docket. Since that time, not a single pending divorce has proceeded to trial. Impressive!

Paging through the book, I started to get the sense that this method of thinking would be beneficial to all relationships – even non-married couples! Definitely a useful reference for weathering differences…

[Katie Thomas]

chose this book because it is a competitive title to the book she wrote with Diana Mercer. She enjoyed it and will share the love! It is different enough from her book with Mercer that she'd recommend if you want to read to books about recovering from divorce that you get both. This one is more "woo", New Age and she enjoyed reading a judge talk about divoce in this context.

[Chris Mcgowan · Rating 4 out of 5]

(Feb 2015 audiobook) - A great book to review to set you in the right frame of mind as you enter a long journey that can be anything but kind in many instances. A judge advising you to try and be able to "separate with a handshake and not a hatchet". Not a lot of nuts and bolts, but some good stories to help you decide, how nice do I want to be in this process.

[Jacque · Rating 4 out of 5]

starting reading this book for a project I was assigned at work, continued to read it because I found it contained insight helpful to all my relationships

[Jane · Rating 1 out of 5]

Total malarkey. Written for rich folks who have OPTIONS. Yes, the kids are important. But so is staying alive.