What do you think?
Rate this book
Different Loving: A Complete Exploration of the World of Sexual Dominance and Submission
“A detailed, eye-opening account of the real sexual underground in America . . . a thorough and serious study.”— Playboy
From Different
In order to understand unusual sexualities such as dominance and submission, one first has to consider the question ‘What is normal?‘ If the unique function of sex is reproductive—and the only reason men and women should engage in sex is for the purpose of creating a new life—then only heterosexual intercourse is normal. By this standard, many common acts, even contraception, must be considered aberrant. Reproductive relevance was the Victorian standard of normalcy, and even today many of the laws in the United States still abide by that model. But people have always pursued sex for both reproduction and for pleasure and well-being.
We start from the premise that sex for pleasure is a normal human drive and is acceptable when it brings pleasure to both partners. From this perspective, D&S is simply a ‘different‘ kind of loving.
We hope to add to the greater body of knowledge about what people really do behind closed doors with the people they most love and trust. Perhaps Different Loving will help open the door for further research into the mystery, beauty, and complexity of human life and its diverse expressions.
Praise for Different Loving
“The definitive guide to the sexual styles of those who walk on the wild side.” — Kirkus Reviews
“As a window on largely unexplored territory, Different Loving is a breakthrough in the dialogue on human sexuality, and a significant work of popular sociology.” — South Bend Tribune
“A comprehensive primer on loving with leather and romance by riding crop.” —Michael Musto, New York Daily News
From Different
In order to understand unusual sexualities such as dominance and submission, one first has to consider the question ‘What is normal?‘ If the unique function of sex is reproductive—and the only reason men and women should engage in sex is for the purpose of creating a new life—then only heterosexual intercourse is normal. By this standard, many common acts, even contraception, must be considered aberrant. Reproductive relevance was the Victorian standard of normalcy, and even today many of the laws in the United States still abide by that model. But people have always pursued sex for both reproduction and for pleasure and well-being.
We start from the premise that sex for pleasure is a normal human drive and is acceptable when it brings pleasure to both partners. From this perspective, D&S is simply a ‘different‘ kind of loving.
We hope to add to the greater body of knowledge about what people really do behind closed doors with the people they most love and trust. Perhaps Different Loving will help open the door for further research into the mystery, beauty, and complexity of human life and its diverse expressions.
Praise for Different Loving
“The definitive guide to the sexual styles of those who walk on the wild side.” — Kirkus Reviews
“As a window on largely unexplored territory, Different Loving is a breakthrough in the dialogue on human sexuality, and a significant work of popular sociology.” — South Bend Tribune
“A comprehensive primer on loving with leather and romance by riding crop.” —Michael Musto, New York Daily News
560 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1993
173 people are currently reading
2239 people want to read
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 52 reviews
August 10, 2016
Different loving is a rather innocuous title. Why did I not know of this book when I was first getting into BDSM? Had I read this book when I was 18, when the book came out in ’93, life would have been less confusing for me in a sexual manner. Many of the questions I’ve had over the years are all listed and explained very well in this book. While this 1996 version is dated with some of the terminology as far as transgenderism, the others terms are still used prevalently throughout the BDSM subculture.
This book is laid out in a format easy to read. Each chapter highlight the history of the specific fetish or topic. There are explanations, safety factors and popular misconceptions dispelled. Then there are interviews which give a practical personal side of each topic. The groupings of the book make a lot of sense too. There are seven sections:
1. Different Loving
2. Imagination and Desire
3. The Pleasures of Discomfort
4. Individualizing the Body
5. Translocations of Desire
6. Masculine and Feminine
7. Fluid Mysteries
The twenty six chapters will provide a very good foundation for new to BDSM as far as common fetishes, terminology and popular desires. There are some things that even those who have been around BDSM for a while may find benefit in reviewing.
From an educational standpoint, this book is very good and I wished I had read it close to 20 years ago. I wonder how my sexual fumbling would have been different. I think the most reassuring part of this book is that I’m not alone and there are others who are like me and they won’t judge. From an entertainment or “wow” value, this book is rather dull. It’s not meant for titillating discourse for shock value. Nor does it have pictures. It definitely isn’t a book used as a how to manual. Instead, it’s more of a “how did this come about” and “what it is that we do” (WIITWD).
Nonetheless, there were certain things in the book which called out to me. In Chapter 2 - Victorian Genesis and the Modern Scene, William Hammond, U.S. Surgeon General, said that nine tenths of the time decent women had no pleasure from intercourse and the famous Swiss gynecologist, Dr. Fehling, called sexual desire in young women pathological - Arno Karlen (p. 22). All I can say to this is that these men are terrible lovers if their women don’t experience pleasure from intercourse. The Victorian error highlights “Modesty and restraint were unquestioned virtues. Proper gentlemen and ladies of the period eschewed strong emotion...The appearance of respectability was paramount. To appear otherwise was to be common, and to be common was to be spiritually flawed, economically hopeless, and socially repugnant.”
This is a very key concept to realize. In the society we live now, we are still very concerned about how we are perceived. Social status is incredibly important to many people. If we are to understand that sexuality, passion and a joie de vie is considered lower status, it makes sense to have all these sexually repressed people afraid to buck society norms. Rather depressing, is it not?
One interviewee stated “I started suppressing my S/m fantasies. I found that it's like a bubble in water. You suppress it, the bubble pops up; you push the bubble down, it stays down a little longer, [then] comes up about twice as fast.” (p. 39). This I have experienced firsthand to my chagrin.
Moving to Chapter 3 with ABCs of D&S, S/M is not a matter of activity nor of degree: It's a matter of intention (p. 68). I believe this is a quote I’m going to need to add. It is so very true for me. I find that so many times, even outside of BDSM, it’s the intention which makes all the difference in the world. This leads us directly into Chapter 5 with Head Trips and Roleplaying. When you're involved in S&M, it opens your eyes to a lot of differences. [S&M] makes you a more tolerant person (p. 121). I can not say this is true for all BDSM lifestylers. I can attest this is true for me. I’m positive this is true for me because when I was younger, people never confided in me or if they did, I may have been their last resort. My world was black and white. I saw very few colours and shades of grey only caused me to curl my lip in scorn. As I entered my late teens and early twenties, my exploration into the alternative lifestyle changed my attitudes which rippled out to the rest of my life. I’m sure it would be a shock to my extremely religious parents to find out my attitude improvement stemmed from my sexual freedom.
This is a random note, but did you know there used to be whipping brothels (p. 257)? Dedicated brothels to whipping and flogging which were very lucrative. There were professional dominatrixes for centuries. It’s interesting to note that many of the religious sects which require celibacy, these members would subvert their sexual desires with floggings and self flagellations. So many comment, so unprofessional so I will keep quiet.
In Chapter 13 with Intense Stimulation, one of the items mentioned is the cock ring. Of course, since I’m Chinese, this had to be mentioned. Cock rings are descendent of the ancient Chinese silver penis claspe whose "purpose was to prolong erection by preventing hte blood from leaving the engorged organ." (p. 281) Seriously? The Chinese? What else did we invent??
The body modification chapters were interesting in the history and the societal impacts. In Chapter 16 Tattooing is covered. On Easter Island genital tattooing of a woman once denoted that she had been seen copulating with a man by another man. Others were rite of passage. Women w/o genital tattooing giving birth, the children were put to death (p 322). Let this be a lesson – never assume what the tattoo or lack of tattoo means.
As I’m finishing up this very long review, I had to comment on Chapter 23 Erotic Combat and Gender Heroics. Male wrestling - and particularly the nude male wrestling of ancient Greece - has often been asserted to have homoerotic appeal (p. 469) Seriously? They have to call this out specifically? I thought everyone knew this.
We finally come to my favourite end, Chapter 26 Enemas. Klismaphilia is the eroticization of enemas. Who knew enemas were considered part of the water sports family. It’s a sub-fetish, if you will. I guess I need to clarify my hard and soft limits again. This book is recommended to those just starting out, exploring the BDSM subculture and want validation that they are not alone.
This book is laid out in a format easy to read. Each chapter highlight the history of the specific fetish or topic. There are explanations, safety factors and popular misconceptions dispelled. Then there are interviews which give a practical personal side of each topic. The groupings of the book make a lot of sense too. There are seven sections:
1. Different Loving
2. Imagination and Desire
3. The Pleasures of Discomfort
4. Individualizing the Body
5. Translocations of Desire
6. Masculine and Feminine
7. Fluid Mysteries
The twenty six chapters will provide a very good foundation for new to BDSM as far as common fetishes, terminology and popular desires. There are some things that even those who have been around BDSM for a while may find benefit in reviewing.
From an educational standpoint, this book is very good and I wished I had read it close to 20 years ago. I wonder how my sexual fumbling would have been different. I think the most reassuring part of this book is that I’m not alone and there are others who are like me and they won’t judge. From an entertainment or “wow” value, this book is rather dull. It’s not meant for titillating discourse for shock value. Nor does it have pictures. It definitely isn’t a book used as a how to manual. Instead, it’s more of a “how did this come about” and “what it is that we do” (WIITWD).
Nonetheless, there were certain things in the book which called out to me. In Chapter 2 - Victorian Genesis and the Modern Scene, William Hammond, U.S. Surgeon General, said that nine tenths of the time decent women had no pleasure from intercourse and the famous Swiss gynecologist, Dr. Fehling, called sexual desire in young women pathological - Arno Karlen (p. 22). All I can say to this is that these men are terrible lovers if their women don’t experience pleasure from intercourse. The Victorian error highlights “Modesty and restraint were unquestioned virtues. Proper gentlemen and ladies of the period eschewed strong emotion...The appearance of respectability was paramount. To appear otherwise was to be common, and to be common was to be spiritually flawed, economically hopeless, and socially repugnant.”
This is a very key concept to realize. In the society we live now, we are still very concerned about how we are perceived. Social status is incredibly important to many people. If we are to understand that sexuality, passion and a joie de vie is considered lower status, it makes sense to have all these sexually repressed people afraid to buck society norms. Rather depressing, is it not?
One interviewee stated “I started suppressing my S/m fantasies. I found that it's like a bubble in water. You suppress it, the bubble pops up; you push the bubble down, it stays down a little longer, [then] comes up about twice as fast.” (p. 39). This I have experienced firsthand to my chagrin.
Moving to Chapter 3 with ABCs of D&S, S/M is not a matter of activity nor of degree: It's a matter of intention (p. 68). I believe this is a quote I’m going to need to add. It is so very true for me. I find that so many times, even outside of BDSM, it’s the intention which makes all the difference in the world. This leads us directly into Chapter 5 with Head Trips and Roleplaying. When you're involved in S&M, it opens your eyes to a lot of differences. [S&M] makes you a more tolerant person (p. 121). I can not say this is true for all BDSM lifestylers. I can attest this is true for me. I’m positive this is true for me because when I was younger, people never confided in me or if they did, I may have been their last resort. My world was black and white. I saw very few colours and shades of grey only caused me to curl my lip in scorn. As I entered my late teens and early twenties, my exploration into the alternative lifestyle changed my attitudes which rippled out to the rest of my life. I’m sure it would be a shock to my extremely religious parents to find out my attitude improvement stemmed from my sexual freedom.
This is a random note, but did you know there used to be whipping brothels (p. 257)? Dedicated brothels to whipping and flogging which were very lucrative. There were professional dominatrixes for centuries. It’s interesting to note that many of the religious sects which require celibacy, these members would subvert their sexual desires with floggings and self flagellations. So many comment, so unprofessional so I will keep quiet.
In Chapter 13 with Intense Stimulation, one of the items mentioned is the cock ring. Of course, since I’m Chinese, this had to be mentioned. Cock rings are descendent of the ancient Chinese silver penis claspe whose "purpose was to prolong erection by preventing hte blood from leaving the engorged organ." (p. 281) Seriously? The Chinese? What else did we invent??
The body modification chapters were interesting in the history and the societal impacts. In Chapter 16 Tattooing is covered. On Easter Island genital tattooing of a woman once denoted that she had been seen copulating with a man by another man. Others were rite of passage. Women w/o genital tattooing giving birth, the children were put to death (p 322). Let this be a lesson – never assume what the tattoo or lack of tattoo means.
As I’m finishing up this very long review, I had to comment on Chapter 23 Erotic Combat and Gender Heroics. Male wrestling - and particularly the nude male wrestling of ancient Greece - has often been asserted to have homoerotic appeal (p. 469) Seriously? They have to call this out specifically? I thought everyone knew this.
We finally come to my favourite end, Chapter 26 Enemas. Klismaphilia is the eroticization of enemas. Who knew enemas were considered part of the water sports family. It’s a sub-fetish, if you will. I guess I need to clarify my hard and soft limits again. This book is recommended to those just starting out, exploring the BDSM subculture and want validation that they are not alone.
June 3, 2015
One of the very few books out there about the whole BDSM lifestyle that actually gets it right. It took chops to write this book, and there is very little out there that this book -doesn't- cover. However, be warned that this is not a 'how-to' manual, or a collection of fantasies, or anything of that sort. What it is is a book on what the various terms that are out there in the land of kink, and what do they mean. If you've read any of the popular fiction that supposedly is about BDSM and think that's what it is, read this book. It will quickly cut through the hypermanic fantasies and really tell the truth. Recommended only for the brave.
October 30, 2012
THE best book on sexual role playing ever written. Not that I've read that many. Just a few dozen.....
September 22, 2009
I think this book is great! I learned alot about BDSM, it is a great book if you are thinking about exploring your sexuality a little more..open your mind and heart to something a little different.A fun book and an informative book...I also learned that Iam more dominant that submissive but that I can be submissive to someone I love..the term for a person who is both submissive and dominant is called a "switch"...lol I think everyone should read this book it will make you change your mind on how you feel about the world of BDSM and take away some of the myths and fears that you have...enjoy
September 1, 2012
Excellent reference book on the alphabet city of kink. Dr Gloria G. Brame whips out all the stops when she put this wonderful compilation of resources and facts together in the bindings of this book. Includes the history of the earliest and most ancient documented instances of people's enjoyment of sadistic and masochistic love play from around the world... as far away as the far east as well as in the western world where the later rider movement of the Leatherman Society and motor bike clubs in America. There are stories from actual people who are in the lifestyle. She gives a run down on the etiquette and gives the reader a good idea of what the nuances of BDSM/D&s and the nature and many colors of its ways of relating. Definately a Good Read!
August 4, 2009
Well organized, well written, intriguing book that attempts to make kink and unorthodox sexual behaviours understood. Even if you do not practice or are just outright repulsed by some of the methods described in this book, it will shed light on why people are attracted to: spanking, pony play, scat play, infantilism, sadism, masochism, etc.
I'm all about understanding why
I'm all about understanding why
March 22, 2014
A very interesting read. What made the book more relatable in a sense, to someone not familiar on this topic, were the interviews with people at the end of each chapter. It allowed for a more personal reading experience.
September 19, 2007
ooooh i'm not telling what i learned...you read it for urself and then call me :P
July 10, 2013
I've had my copy on my shelves for many years and have never once thought of passing it on. It is a necessary part of the larger picture of human sexuality.
December 4, 2021
This book has been quite a journey for me. I admit I did not appreciate it until I was about halfway through it. The style is almost dry. It's practically a textbook. Published in the 90s, I didn't even know how current it is, considering it's pretty much pre-internet and talks a lot about compuserve lists. It basically categorizes a number of kinks, dryly describing them, giving some very minimal description about motivations or what people find arousing about them, but generally explaining how much of a range and how individual things are. It is punctuated with quotes from people in the field or people who have the kink. And then at the end of each chapter there are interviews with a few people who talk about their personal experience with the kink.
The very dryness and matter-of-factness won me over. I think this is an amazing thing, to have basically a reference book or encyclopedia just factually listing research about the range of sexual oddities that they've been able to find that people are into. It really does a lot to dial down the sexual shame of being interested in kink. Thousands (millions?) of people like some of the things in this book. Whatever you like, you aren't alone.
It was very interesting how some people are all embracing and understanding "hey I like weird stuff so I'm ok with whatever weird stuff someone else likes" but in some categories, there is a definite culture and divisions (eg the people who like being tied up or spanked but HATE pain cannot understand why people like pain). Although there was not a huge amount of discussion about the psychology behind a lot of it, as the book went on, I did find that the terse, calm style did manage to convey a number of fascinating psychological points.
I found the whole thing a really interesting exploration of the many categories of things people like and I appreciate that there is a book out there that has attempted a basic and informative catalog.
The very dryness and matter-of-factness won me over. I think this is an amazing thing, to have basically a reference book or encyclopedia just factually listing research about the range of sexual oddities that they've been able to find that people are into. It really does a lot to dial down the sexual shame of being interested in kink. Thousands (millions?) of people like some of the things in this book. Whatever you like, you aren't alone.
It was very interesting how some people are all embracing and understanding "hey I like weird stuff so I'm ok with whatever weird stuff someone else likes" but in some categories, there is a definite culture and divisions (eg the people who like being tied up or spanked but HATE pain cannot understand why people like pain). Although there was not a huge amount of discussion about the psychology behind a lot of it, as the book went on, I did find that the terse, calm style did manage to convey a number of fascinating psychological points.
I found the whole thing a really interesting exploration of the many categories of things people like and I appreciate that there is a book out there that has attempted a basic and informative catalog.
Read
April 11, 2008Really good reference guide for those curious about various types of play.
July 13, 2008
This work is a great look into the BDSM world. It gives real-life examples and situations of both Dominates and Submissives. I highly recommend it to people new to the lifestyle.
May 29, 2010
Good primer on BDSM, Fetish, D/s. Interviews by Brame. Must have for BDSM bookshelf, but keep in mind this is not a 'how-to' but a 'why' type of book.
Read
July 3, 2012Different Loving provides an in depth understanding of the BDSM culture. It effectively describes the multifaceted world of sexual dominance and submission through interviews of people who identify as being in the Scene. Along with the first-hand accounts of the lifestyle, the author details situations—where it is psychological or physical attraction—that draw people to the BDSM culture.
This book uses a method of explaining BDSM that allows even the non-Scene readers to be able to identify with the natural human physical and psychological needs that present themselves in the Scene. This method creates an inclusive environment for all where mainstream rumors and ideas would seclude and isolate BDSM lovers.
Different Loving is an excellent introduction into the BDSM world as well as an ambiguous user-friendly guide.
This book uses a method of explaining BDSM that allows even the non-Scene readers to be able to identify with the natural human physical and psychological needs that present themselves in the Scene. This method creates an inclusive environment for all where mainstream rumors and ideas would seclude and isolate BDSM lovers.
Different Loving is an excellent introduction into the BDSM world as well as an ambiguous user-friendly guide.
October 20, 2012
This book fails to cite some suspiciously ill-researched phenomena, such as the Havelock Ellis "observer effect." But other than those transgressions, this is a great primer for The Wide World of Sexual Deviance. It has some gems and does a good job of justifying all kinds of queer/"scary" wonderments and how they've been stifled by religion and reticent attitudes toward non-missionary copulation/related activities. A disappointingly large portion of this particular book is dedicated to people narrating their sex lives in blurb form. If you're patient enough to sift through the bullshit (or if you take comfort in others flying their freak flag), it's a fantastic find.
June 14, 2017
Very informative, did notice some lack of consistency in areas. I did very much enjoy the interviews they included. They interviewed a wide variety of different types of people, different backgrounds, etc. It was refreshing to see all of the different perspectives. A good read challenging some close-minded ideals in feminism as well
August 3, 2008
If your interested in all the BDSM fetishes and terminology this is the book to read. It has several interviews with people that give their take on the mental aspects of it and how their fetish makes them feel. Deeper understanding of BDSM.
September 28, 2010
A coherent cornucopia of kinks, this reserve is an observant elucidation on the undiscovered spectrum of human sexuality familiarizing the BDSM lifestyle. It vocalizes unconventionally powered erotic encounters and fetishes exploring the conscious and subconscious dreams of sexualized demeanor.
July 11, 2017
This book is a collection of stories from people with different sexual preferences. Not quite what I was looking for so have shelved it for now. I had envisioned a more scientific exploration of the reasons behind these preferences etc.
November 15, 2009
Good read.....
Enjoyed exploring my feelings/thoughts as I read it...
Nin, enjoyed your post....very nice smile...
Enjoyed exploring my feelings/thoughts as I read it...
Nin, enjoyed your post....very nice smile...
October 9, 2012
Wonderfully written!
November 5, 2013
a little dated but very thorough and informative for kink and vanilla folk alike.
February 19, 2014
Stand by...
July 15, 2015
One of the best books on many aspects of BDSM. Really loved the interview sections to get an insight in to why people are into that specific aspect.
January 15, 2016
I highly recommend this book for anyone new to the BDSM lifestyle. Very informative information.
January 27, 2016
This is the kind of book where you read the topics that sound interesting. The parts where you lake an interest from the beginning are extremely repetitive.
June 26, 2016
A thick book but emily read in any order, older information but I think that's important in order to understand the fast moving evolution of BDSM practices in this country.
January 16, 2017
A complete ethnography, reads as a catalog/reference book
February 6, 2017
well written book, informative and insightful into the world of S&M. I recommend this book for anyone who is interested in this subject. It is easy to read no complex, it is an introductory book.
October 31, 2017
Можна скоротити в 5 раз без втрати змісту.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 52 reviews