Loving the Self-Absorbed: How to Create a More Satisfying Relationship with a Narcissistic Partner

by Nina W Brown EdD LPC

A narcissistic partner is forever putting his or her own needs first and is also demeaning, manipulative, controlling, and competitive. After the early stages of a relationship, the non-narcissist is usually left questioning her value. In this first book for the intimate partners of narcissists, find empowering strategies you can use to limit the destructive effect of your partner's behavior and get what you need out of your relationship. Learn the five types of destructive narcissism and how to recognize their effects on your relationship. The book reassures you that you are not helpless, and that you needn't give up on your relationship. Instead, the book offers realistic tips on living so that both of your needs are met. Change your "fantasy" wishes into realistic expectations, create boundaries, listen and respond in a self-caring manner, and learn when to avoid and ignore especially bad behavior. The book teaches you how to stop feeding into a narcissist's self-focus with subtle behavior cues such as acting distracted when he or she vies for attention. Ultimately, you will achieve a degree of understanding and separation that will help you see both your partner and yourself in a new light.

Genres: Psychology, Relationships, Self Help

182 pages, Paperback

First published June 1, 2003

Reviews

[Rhonda · Rating 4 out of 5]

As far as the book goes, it was terrific. Full of great information relating to the subject. It identified the problem(s) and offered solutions, but more on that later.
Well written.

I felt like the author had installed a camera on my shoulder and was living in my life! Exactly what I'm dealing with.
If I started to highlight the relevent passages, the entire book would be yellow!

At times I felt hopeless and helpless while reading, because there is nothing that can be done to help the self-absorbed, narcissistic person. Nothing. Author repeatedly states that unless you want to spend all or a considerable amount of your time thwarting your partner's efforts, you cannot and will not win in this situation!!! It is not worth the time and effort that it would take. This person cannot be changed without extensive therapy, and since they simply CANNOT recognize they even HAVE any of these characteristics, they would never go for therapy. Any issues are all YOURS. You must accept that this attitude is deep-seated, long lasting, and associated with early life experiences, are not easy to change, and you are not likely to be able to do, say, or be anything that will change your partner.

Although there are not any real solutions to fixing this kind of behavior, there are ways you can choose to react and detach yourself from them to salvage your own self-esteem and be able to cope with the treatment and damage done to you by this person. Just taking a few seconds to think through the charges can allow you to become more aware that you are not to blame and can keep you from rushing to make it all better.

The book was terrific...helpful.

[Jeff · Rating 4 out of 5]

Being in a relationship with a narcissist can feel so disorienting and confusing. This book helps the reader understand what is happening with the other person and himself/herself. It helps makes sense of devastating experiences while offering a somewhat compassionate approach.

[Eireanne · Rating 1 out of 5]

My dad gave me this book years ago, he said it helped him with his relationship with my mom (maybe? I may be mis-remembering).

All in all a very difficult book to get through. I had a hard time remembering the details of my parents relationship with each other, outside of how it affected ME (I guess I'm a narcissist like that). I definitely did not see any of the traits in my mom the book listed out, but then again my perspective is skewed by not having interacted with either of them in over 15 years. Most everything in the book can be summed up by saying, "If you feel any sort of way about the things people say to you, how they talk to you, the assumptions they make about you, how you are treated, it's all your fault because you cause them to talk to you like that by not taking responsibility for your own feelings and if you have any sort of reaction, you're just playing the victim. Your need to connect with others is due to your unresolved family issues, unfinished business, or faulty assumptions - all of which can be resolved with commitment to working on them with a competent therapist. Let go of the faulty assumption that if you care for others they will care for you. If trusting others to have your best interests at heart is one of your characteristics, you are leaving yourself open to disappointment, hurt, manipulation, and other dangers."

Got it. Stop trying to connect with others unless you learn how to be assertive and non-reactive, reminding yourself that no one is going to care about you and you really shouldn't trust anyone.

[Kelly Free · Rating 5 out of 5]

Eye opening and fascinating. It was a release to put a name to the reason behind my feelings of discomfort, give myself permission to treat the relationship different than any other, and perhaps glimpse why unexplained changes in a personal relationship occurred. Great self-care tips!

“It was only after considerable experience that you were able to see the coldness and attitude of superiority behind the charm. The person was attentive and flattering, and you responded favorably. You remained unaware that he did not really connect with you in a meaningful way, became disappointed that you were not able to fill his inner void, and he began to discount you as worthy of his attention. Notice that in all this, you are perceived as insufficient and failing. Your partner can never entertain any possibility that he is insufficient or has failed in any way, or has expectations that are impossible to fill. Your partner remains unaware of the void within, and nothing you do or say can make them aware. You failed, because there was no way to succeed. You do not have the power to change any of this, to provide a meaningful and satisfying relationship for them, or to begin to fill their internal void.” Page 148 - The Exhibitionist - Destructive Narcissistic Pattern

[Nancy Graham · Rating 5 out of 5]

Helpful clues for dealing with destructive narcissists. Though this aims particularly at relating to a narcissistic spouse or significant other, one can make the leap to others within the sphere of influence: parents, kids, colleagues, bosses, clients, in-laws, siblings, etc. We ALL know someone like this. Now, how to deal?

[Huiyu Wang · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great book! It expains some small but really confusing words like "entitlement" or "grandiosity". It helps me a lot to define the behaviour. And it provides a very simple but pratical way to figure out the N types and also give advice according to every type of N.

[Linda Branham · Rating 4 out of 5]

Describes narcissitic personality and how to live with them

[Elisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Now you may think that I'm reading this about my husband, but truth be told I'm actually learning a great deal about myself!

[J. · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fun read, fast read, exercises can slow you down. Very thought provoking book and provides useful tools.