Intimacy from the Inside Out: Courage and Compassion in Couple Therapy

by Toni Herbine-Blank, Donna M. Kerpelman, Martha Sweezy

Couples in distress enter therapy holding two goals that they now experience as mutually to feel loved and to feel understood. Toni Herbine-Blank’s powerful new brand of couple therapy, Intimacy from the Inside Out (IFIO), offers a comprehensive conceptual map for achieving both goals. In a tour de force of elegant case illustrations wrapped around clear instruction, this book shows the IFIO therapist working with the natural subdivisions – or parts – of the human mind in a dyad, guiding and supporting couples to understand how they project childhood injury into current relationships and then, feeling threatened, frustrated and angry, lose track of their underlying needs to feel safe, connected and loved. With a focus on generating internal attachment stability to sustain each partner through the moments when the other is unavailable, couples in IFIO therapy reconnect with their essential needs, change their conversations and learn to make requests that invite rather than threaten in order to get those needs met.

Genres: Psychology, Relationships, Counselling

Kindle Edition

First published August 11, 2015

Reviews

[Nick B · Rating 4 out of 5]

Encouraging and exciting read for therapists using IFS-informed techniques with couples. Helpful for understanding more organically how to apply the activities found in the IFS Couples Skills Training Manual.

Additionally, buried in the glossary intro is this gem of a quote for those [who have skeptical parts] who claim IFS is a hoax which purports to be empirically supported fact rather than a theoretical and clinical model:
“…there is no empirical view in IFS on the nature or origins of psychic multiplicity, nor is there any consensus among practitioners about what a part is. Therefore, the IFS portrait of independently motivated parts at this point remains an invitation from Richard Schwartz and other practitioners of IFS to risk acting as if the matter is settled because doing so is clinically effective.”

I love the beauty and simplicity of that. Acting as-if (which, to be clear, is NOT engaging in deception or misrepresentation) because we can see firsthand that IT WORKS for our clients. Beautiful.

[Sarah Rincon · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a partners therapist who is entering the world of IFIO I throughly enjoyed this read! It’s one of those books I know I will be reading an endless amount of times to support my work and the communities I would with! I will say in practice it is tricky when so many parts are active and engaged and it doesn’t feel as smooth as some of the case examples provided in the book but of course that’s the reality of working with humans with so many intricate parts and that’s also a big reason behind my love for ifs & this practice that engages with honoring all that arises.

[Nicole · Rating 5 out of 5]

Love it. I've read so many relationship books, and this one really hit notes that others haven't. I am so excited to do more training with this model. I absolutely loved the chapter on apology, and how an individual needs to find compassion and forgiveness for the behaviours of their own parts before they can engage in authentic apology as opposed to coming from a blending with shame.

I love that IFIO involves the U-turn of self-to-part connection before the return to dialogue. I also appreciate that this model provides the opportunity for compassionate witnessing of one's partner as they get to know and unburden their own parts, fostering even more compassion and understanding for the other.

I could go on, but in general, I love love love this book and this model.

[Whitni Rader · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the couples' book from the Internal Family Systems (IFS) perspective. What I love about that framework is that 1) it makes SO MUCH sense ;), and 2) it has the perspective that all of our parts have a positive intent for us, e.g. they are trying to protect us in some way that made sense when that strategy came on board.

[Miriam · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved how this book gave examples of the techniques and summarized everything step by step. A great resource for therapists working with couples using IFS.

[Harry · Rating 4 out of 5]

A Great Addition to the growing internal family system literature. Toni spoke to me on both a personal and professional level.