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Three Minute Therapy: Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life
Three Minute Therapy can help to change your life for the better. You will find yourself looking at life in a different way. Your emotional troubles will seem less mysterious and less powerful. If you take the trouble to learn the techniques explained in Three Minute Therapy , think about them, and apply them to your problems, you will be able to tackle difficulties that may have seemed impossible. Some of your worst fears and anxieties can diminish or dissolve away, and you will become more effective at pursuing your chosen life goals. The techniques used in Three Minute Therapy show you, clearly and simply, how you needlessly upset yourself, and it gives you many thinking, feeling, and action methods of reducing your disturbances while still retaining your main goals, values, and preferences. Three Minute Therapy can add years of healthier and happier living to your life.
228 pages, Hardcover
First published March 1, 1997
15 people are currently reading
179 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews
February 10, 2013
If you change your thinking, your expectations, and realize that the only thing you can control is your thinking and reaction -- well, that is the basis of this book.
Very repetitive with the same formula, you almost have to stop reading - same story, different "cases". I really think that the true basis and idea behind the book could be expressed in 10 pages or less, yet I continued with a lingering thought that repetition does work - but with 200 pages of it, that could be insanity.
Want to learn the therapy, read the first few pages and use the exercise for three minutes a day, changing your "must" and "should" thoughts from demands to preferences.
Very repetitive with the same formula, you almost have to stop reading - same story, different "cases". I really think that the true basis and idea behind the book could be expressed in 10 pages or less, yet I continued with a lingering thought that repetition does work - but with 200 pages of it, that could be insanity.
Want to learn the therapy, read the first few pages and use the exercise for three minutes a day, changing your "must" and "should" thoughts from demands to preferences.
February 10, 2015
A Practical Cognitive Behavioural Method for Dissolving Irrational & Difficult Emotional Responses which Undermine our Lives:
A well written, easy to read and implement, and a good overview of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), as developed by Albert Ellis. At its heart, it simply provides a situational framework to help you actively dissolve your unhealthy emotions, and therefore their reactive self-defeating emotionally driven behaviors that undermine our lives. The Author walks us through this simple cognitive behavior framework giving real life examples from his years in counseling practice. A very simple A – F framework: A= Activating event, B= Irrational Belief, C= Emotional & Behavioural Consequence (i.e. anger, fear, sadness, depression, shame, envy etc.), D= Disputing your irrational belief (what is your proof? There is none…), E= Effective new thinking. F= New Feeling or behaviour. It’s very simple and quick to see its transformational benefit.
Invariably our beliefs make unreasonable demands (need, should, have to), are black & white (life is born of grey), and exaggerate the consequence, and in the process we set ourselves up for experiencing difficult emotional responses. When an activating event appears we respond according to the Blueprint we developed when we were very young. So once you challenge these assumptions then you undermine B and therefore your emotional reaction dissipates before it gets a chance to manifest. The Author focuses this into chapters, whilst giving plenty of good examples, covering the battlegrounds and consequences of irrational emotions; marriage, anger, procrastination, depression, overeating & smoking, panic attacks, money, compulsive drinking, social anxiety, and secondary emotions that can further amplify one’s primary emotions.
To do these written exercises in reality takes more than 3 minutes starting out, however I now do this on the spot in my mind as I notice difficult emotions and feelings arise (anger, angst, sadness etc.). Ultimately this is a practical way to integrate spiritual qualities into life; i.e. empathy, acceptance, forgiveness, non-judgement and love. Integrating this with Dialectic Behaviour Therapy is a good combination, as too working on your barriers to letting love manifest in your heart and life.
A well written, easy to read and implement, and a good overview of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), as developed by Albert Ellis. At its heart, it simply provides a situational framework to help you actively dissolve your unhealthy emotions, and therefore their reactive self-defeating emotionally driven behaviors that undermine our lives. The Author walks us through this simple cognitive behavior framework giving real life examples from his years in counseling practice. A very simple A – F framework: A= Activating event, B= Irrational Belief, C= Emotional & Behavioural Consequence (i.e. anger, fear, sadness, depression, shame, envy etc.), D= Disputing your irrational belief (what is your proof? There is none…), E= Effective new thinking. F= New Feeling or behaviour. It’s very simple and quick to see its transformational benefit.
Invariably our beliefs make unreasonable demands (need, should, have to), are black & white (life is born of grey), and exaggerate the consequence, and in the process we set ourselves up for experiencing difficult emotional responses. When an activating event appears we respond according to the Blueprint we developed when we were very young. So once you challenge these assumptions then you undermine B and therefore your emotional reaction dissipates before it gets a chance to manifest. The Author focuses this into chapters, whilst giving plenty of good examples, covering the battlegrounds and consequences of irrational emotions; marriage, anger, procrastination, depression, overeating & smoking, panic attacks, money, compulsive drinking, social anxiety, and secondary emotions that can further amplify one’s primary emotions.
To do these written exercises in reality takes more than 3 minutes starting out, however I now do this on the spot in my mind as I notice difficult emotions and feelings arise (anger, angst, sadness etc.). Ultimately this is a practical way to integrate spiritual qualities into life; i.e. empathy, acceptance, forgiveness, non-judgement and love. Integrating this with Dialectic Behaviour Therapy is a good combination, as too working on your barriers to letting love manifest in your heart and life.
February 22, 2021
A very practical guide to using the powerful tools of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) to address a wide variety of mental health concerns. I'm guessing that most readers won't need or want to read the book front-to-back. It's enough to read the first chapter, which explains the REBT process, then skip to whichever problem the reader wants to work on: obsessive worry, self-esteem, relationship issues, anger, procrastination, depression, overeating, smoking, panic attacks, money problems, compulsive drinking, social anxiety, etc. We humans have many ways of making ourselves miserable, but REBT provides a tested and proven method to retrain the brain, creating dramatic improvements. In my own experience with learning and using REBT, I felt doubtful and a little foolish, doing the exercises for the prescribed three minutes a day and then continuing to live with the problem for days and weeks. If this mirrors your experience at first, persevere! REBT will work. Just give it a month and don't give up too soon.
June 2, 2009
This book ROCKS! It is so simple, yet so hard to keep your emotions from ruling your life, but this book breaks it down into easy steps. It's like the how-to manual for the Power of Now. Just useful, practical info that can help you end your "self-inflicted pain." It helps you identify where in your reaction to events, you are engaging in "absolute" thinking (like my husband SHOULD not forget to come home on time when I have to go out, especially when I just reminded him an hour ago-true life example!) and how to respond in a way that does not make your blood boil and your emotions overflow. I have been using the method a lot in the last few weeks and it's helped me so much. Very quick, easy read. Highly recommend.
August 23, 2024
This short book is about REBT (Rational Emotive Behavioural Therapy), which was the precursor to CBT, but some of us prefer this earlier version, which I see as being more Stoical in its approach - and I like that.
In my review I'm simply going to do a brief synopsis of the points I found interesting in the book and would like to have noted for future reference.....
Basically, REBT states that many of our problems stem from our demands, musts and shoulds.
Life must be easy / and it's awful if it isn't.
My husband must be on time / and it's awful if he isn't.
My friends must like me / and it's awful if they don't.
Instead we need to be winding down the intensity of these statements to 'preferring' rather than 'musting'. Preferring opens the door for more realistic and helpful solutions.
I would prefer it if life was easy / but I can handle it if it isn't
I would prefer that my husband was on time / but his time-keeping issues are his responsibility.
I'd prefer it if my friends liked me / but I can accept it if they don't like me all the time.
Preferring isn't a toothless option. For instance if your husband's tardiness was causing major disruption in your lives you could suggest he went to see a therapist about it. If it continued to be really disruptive, as a last case scenario you could divorce him.
Edelstein gives us the recipe for working through difficult situations with this example.
A Activating Event.....................................Jack doesn't admire me.
B Irrational belief........................................Jack MUST admire me.
C Emotional consequence..........................Anger
D Disputing/Substituting..........................Why MUST Jack admire me? Is there a law that says he
must?
E Effective new thinking............................I PREFER that Jack admire me but I can
survive quite well if he doesn't
F New Feeling...........................................Disappointment, rather than anger or rage.
He suggests that we apply this technique to situations that are upsetting us. He also stresses that it is much more effective to write out the whole thing, rather than just running through it quickly in our heads. "It is important to dispute your musts actively. Pick up a pen and write out material. You need to practice, practice, practice these things every day, like brushing your teeth."
He stresses that anger is not a helpful emotion. He shows how we can respond to difficult situations in three different ways.
With anger
With meekness
With calm assertiveness or reasoned compliance.
The first two aren't constructive. Getting rid of your anger does not mean liking what you see, nor does it mean being resigned to it. Furthermore, in some situations we need to accept that behaviour which causes you to feel negative may never change. You may well just have to accept it, or move on (eg as a last resort, in order to effect change you may have to leave your husband or change jobs.)
The essence of all anger is musts, demands and shoulds. "We have a right to preferences, but no right to godlike demands. Demands create emotional disturbance and there is no reason at all why anyone must behave as we demand."
This is a slippery point, but Endelstein argues that it is always you making yourself angry. No other person, experience or situation is doing that. No matter how obnoxious the object of your dislike, the anger is your responsibility. It's never warranted by external circumstances. Here Endelstein differs from one of my favourite REBT practitioners, Walter Matweychuk, who argues that there is "rational anger", but this quietly leads us to constructive action - it doesn't result in explosive behaviours.
Endelstein also says that problems have two components.
- An emotional response
- A practical response
The more we reduce our emotional response the more we can concentrate on practical and positive solutions.
He gives examples of people who have handled life without showing anger - the Dalai Lama, Nelson Mandela and Ghandi.
The book also talks a lot about "low frustration tolerance", and ways in which we can try and become more resilient, better able to handle frustration. Basically the message is all about taking action rather than avoidance. It gives us ploys we can use to get things done, rather than procrastinating. Things like setting yourself a time to start something, on the understanding you only have to do it for five minutes. After that time you can check if you want to continue.
He also stresses the importance of practising these new ideas. For instance when you feel yourself slipping into 'awfulizing' mode, he suggests using a knock-out statement to counteract that feeling.
"I have hassles, too damn bad"
or
"Hassles are only hassles, never horrors"
or
"Next week this will be nothing".
He suggests using the knock-out phrase up to 100 times a day! "We need to keep using the knock-out statement or the musts will creep back."
He also points out that what we want is unconditional self acceptance, rather than good self-esteem. Self-esteem can all too easily go up and down like a yo yo, depending upon how people praise or ignore us, or upon how we rate our behaviours. You are at the mercy of your latest performance.
"There is also an inherent tendency for self-raters to move towards a low self-rating. Most human intentions don't work out quite as planned, and there's a natural tendency to focus on shortcomings." Self-rating also leads you to compare yourself pointlessly with other people.
My best takeaways from the book? Firstly the recipe for challenging things that upset us, and secondly the idea that we use knock-out statements to argue with our tendency to slip into awfulizing or other negative ways of thinking - which is something I'm prone to. He really conveys the need to work on these things, over and over again - and I found that helpful.
I have gone back to this book on several occasions. He encapsulates ideas that I've heard about elsewhere, but does so with a lot of impact, which I find helpful. Highly recommended for anyone interested in the basics of REBT.
In my review I'm simply going to do a brief synopsis of the points I found interesting in the book and would like to have noted for future reference.....
Basically, REBT states that many of our problems stem from our demands, musts and shoulds.
Life must be easy / and it's awful if it isn't.
My husband must be on time / and it's awful if he isn't.
My friends must like me / and it's awful if they don't.
Instead we need to be winding down the intensity of these statements to 'preferring' rather than 'musting'. Preferring opens the door for more realistic and helpful solutions.
I would prefer it if life was easy / but I can handle it if it isn't
I would prefer that my husband was on time / but his time-keeping issues are his responsibility.
I'd prefer it if my friends liked me / but I can accept it if they don't like me all the time.
Preferring isn't a toothless option. For instance if your husband's tardiness was causing major disruption in your lives you could suggest he went to see a therapist about it. If it continued to be really disruptive, as a last case scenario you could divorce him.
Edelstein gives us the recipe for working through difficult situations with this example.
A Activating Event.....................................Jack doesn't admire me.
B Irrational belief........................................Jack MUST admire me.
C Emotional consequence..........................Anger
D Disputing/Substituting..........................Why MUST Jack admire me? Is there a law that says he
must?
E Effective new thinking............................I PREFER that Jack admire me but I can
survive quite well if he doesn't
F New Feeling...........................................Disappointment, rather than anger or rage.
He suggests that we apply this technique to situations that are upsetting us. He also stresses that it is much more effective to write out the whole thing, rather than just running through it quickly in our heads. "It is important to dispute your musts actively. Pick up a pen and write out material. You need to practice, practice, practice these things every day, like brushing your teeth."
He stresses that anger is not a helpful emotion. He shows how we can respond to difficult situations in three different ways.
With anger
With meekness
With calm assertiveness or reasoned compliance.
The first two aren't constructive. Getting rid of your anger does not mean liking what you see, nor does it mean being resigned to it. Furthermore, in some situations we need to accept that behaviour which causes you to feel negative may never change. You may well just have to accept it, or move on (eg as a last resort, in order to effect change you may have to leave your husband or change jobs.)
The essence of all anger is musts, demands and shoulds. "We have a right to preferences, but no right to godlike demands. Demands create emotional disturbance and there is no reason at all why anyone must behave as we demand."
This is a slippery point, but Endelstein argues that it is always you making yourself angry. No other person, experience or situation is doing that. No matter how obnoxious the object of your dislike, the anger is your responsibility. It's never warranted by external circumstances. Here Endelstein differs from one of my favourite REBT practitioners, Walter Matweychuk, who argues that there is "rational anger", but this quietly leads us to constructive action - it doesn't result in explosive behaviours.
Endelstein also says that problems have two components.
- An emotional response
- A practical response
The more we reduce our emotional response the more we can concentrate on practical and positive solutions.
He gives examples of people who have handled life without showing anger - the Dalai Lama, Nelson Mandela and Ghandi.
The book also talks a lot about "low frustration tolerance", and ways in which we can try and become more resilient, better able to handle frustration. Basically the message is all about taking action rather than avoidance. It gives us ploys we can use to get things done, rather than procrastinating. Things like setting yourself a time to start something, on the understanding you only have to do it for five minutes. After that time you can check if you want to continue.
He also stresses the importance of practising these new ideas. For instance when you feel yourself slipping into 'awfulizing' mode, he suggests using a knock-out statement to counteract that feeling.
"I have hassles, too damn bad"
or
"Hassles are only hassles, never horrors"
or
"Next week this will be nothing".
He suggests using the knock-out phrase up to 100 times a day! "We need to keep using the knock-out statement or the musts will creep back."
He also points out that what we want is unconditional self acceptance, rather than good self-esteem. Self-esteem can all too easily go up and down like a yo yo, depending upon how people praise or ignore us, or upon how we rate our behaviours. You are at the mercy of your latest performance.
"There is also an inherent tendency for self-raters to move towards a low self-rating. Most human intentions don't work out quite as planned, and there's a natural tendency to focus on shortcomings." Self-rating also leads you to compare yourself pointlessly with other people.
My best takeaways from the book? Firstly the recipe for challenging things that upset us, and secondly the idea that we use knock-out statements to argue with our tendency to slip into awfulizing or other negative ways of thinking - which is something I'm prone to. He really conveys the need to work on these things, over and over again - and I found that helpful.
I have gone back to this book on several occasions. He encapsulates ideas that I've heard about elsewhere, but does so with a lot of impact, which I find helpful. Highly recommended for anyone interested in the basics of REBT.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
October 20, 2021
A nice change from much psychobabble but a little too superficial. It does not consider possible other reasons and/or is light in the logical process and conclusions.
April 21, 2024
Very interesting approach presented to deal with emotional problems.
May 16, 2023
I have started to apply this since few days ago,so i will know in few days how this works,if this works,then i will be able to give a tested review.It sure is a different technique than the ones i have tried before ,thought disputation is also mentioned in the books like the how of happiness and the learned optimism,but the difference in this book and those are the E (Effective new thinking) which comes after D(Disputation) ,E is not explained at all in those books nor i was satisfied with the explanation of step D ,plus i think in this book step D is not well explained and there should 've been more guidelines on how to construct E but still E is much better explained in this book.
The main theory of this book is based upon Albert Ellis ABC model which says our feelings about external events are due to our beliefs about them and if we change those beliefs then we will be able to change how we feel .
Edit - Date 1/5/2023 (the above review was given on March i think)
I have applied this books methods for some days but it did not helped me at all .But Dr Edelstein does reply to emails,i am thankful that he answered my questions ,when i said it did not helped me he said i should write one three minute therapy everyday like he does ,but to be honest after trying few days i think i did not felt any change .
So based on my experience and not just simply reading i am giving this book one star i don't think the theory is correct on which this book is based that the way we feel emotionally arises from the way we think. The book disagrees with the theory that past can impact our emotional states .I disagree with this. I think past experiences of our childhood can have a huge impact on how we feel at the present.
Then why CBT and REBT which i think are based on the same/similar premise helps people ? well i think how much something helps you ,you can gauge it by again being in the environment which triggers you, if you feel a ok then yes the treatment have helped you, if you can't then of course it did not helped you. And another thing
* Maybe the change which people feel from CBT or REBT is temporary. I think there was a research paper about this.
* Maybe it comes from talking sharing with a therapist and getting a routine lifestyle ,fixing it.
*Maybe it comes from medicine.
But the theory that past does not impact your emotional state seems wrong.
Thought disputation doesn't work .Just by disputing our irrational beliefs by writing and the reading them daily ,i do not think we can change those deeply ingrained subconscious beliefs. This i have seen in my experience is so surface level while those insecure painful beliefs a person is trying to change usually resides in much below the normal level of consciousness. I could be wrong though .
The main theory of this book is based upon Albert Ellis ABC model which says our feelings about external events are due to our beliefs about them and if we change those beliefs then we will be able to change how we feel .
Edit - Date 1/5/2023 (the above review was given on March i think)
I have applied this books methods for some days but it did not helped me at all .But Dr Edelstein does reply to emails,i am thankful that he answered my questions ,when i said it did not helped me he said i should write one three minute therapy everyday like he does ,but to be honest after trying few days i think i did not felt any change .
So based on my experience and not just simply reading i am giving this book one star i don't think the theory is correct on which this book is based that the way we feel emotionally arises from the way we think. The book disagrees with the theory that past can impact our emotional states .I disagree with this. I think past experiences of our childhood can have a huge impact on how we feel at the present.
Then why CBT and REBT which i think are based on the same/similar premise helps people ? well i think how much something helps you ,you can gauge it by again being in the environment which triggers you, if you feel a ok then yes the treatment have helped you, if you can't then of course it did not helped you. And another thing
* Maybe the change which people feel from CBT or REBT is temporary. I think there was a research paper about this.
* Maybe it comes from talking sharing with a therapist and getting a routine lifestyle ,fixing it.
*Maybe it comes from medicine.
But the theory that past does not impact your emotional state seems wrong.
Thought disputation doesn't work .Just by disputing our irrational beliefs by writing and the reading them daily ,i do not think we can change those deeply ingrained subconscious beliefs. This i have seen in my experience is so surface level while those insecure painful beliefs a person is trying to change usually resides in much below the normal level of consciousness. I could be wrong though .
October 28, 2022
"What upsets people is not things themselves but their judgments of those things" Epictetus
The authors base their book on the Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy of Albert Ellis.
Your feelings come from your thinking, they assert.
Most people believe that the events in their lives explain their emotions. The schematic they provide for this theory is Activating event --> Emotional consequence. This is very popular, but false.
They point out that our emotions are controlled by our beliefs. Their schematic is: Activating event--> inspires believe or expectation--> emotional consequence.
They claim their is no evidence that Freud was correct in suggesting that past memories had anything to do with current emotional difficulties.
A few quick minutes asking questions can identify how someone thinks. Once that is done, one can begin to correct counterproductive or self-destructive behavior.
Our beliefs often result in presumed musts and demands and shoulds. They point out that there are three kinds of demands we make: demands on ourselves, demands on others and demands on the universe. And they can lead to destructive emotions.
The authors offer a Three Minute Therapy technique:
Activating event
Irrational belief
Emotional consequence
Disputing the must
Effective new thinking
New feeling
They recommend practice, practice, practice. At one point, they say, practice makes progress.
They also offer a number of other three minute therapies to aid in resolving specific problems.
It is a solid book with solid advice.
The authors base their book on the Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy of Albert Ellis.
Your feelings come from your thinking, they assert.
Most people believe that the events in their lives explain their emotions. The schematic they provide for this theory is Activating event --> Emotional consequence. This is very popular, but false.
They point out that our emotions are controlled by our beliefs. Their schematic is: Activating event--> inspires believe or expectation--> emotional consequence.
They claim their is no evidence that Freud was correct in suggesting that past memories had anything to do with current emotional difficulties.
A few quick minutes asking questions can identify how someone thinks. Once that is done, one can begin to correct counterproductive or self-destructive behavior.
Our beliefs often result in presumed musts and demands and shoulds. They point out that there are three kinds of demands we make: demands on ourselves, demands on others and demands on the universe. And they can lead to destructive emotions.
The authors offer a Three Minute Therapy technique:
Activating event
Irrational belief
Emotional consequence
Disputing the must
Effective new thinking
New feeling
They recommend practice, practice, practice. At one point, they say, practice makes progress.
They also offer a number of other three minute therapies to aid in resolving specific problems.
It is a solid book with solid advice.
July 8, 2012
Well written and concise presentation/distillation of Rational Emotive Therapy. The exercises that Edelstein presents are easy to understand and can be implemented quickly, before you finish reading the book. I just started doing the TMT exercises myself each night and I have already noticed an improvement in my mood. Although these exercises can be helpful for virtually any type of psychological issue, one needs to keep an open mind or they may not be effective. If you are absolutely convinced that your [insert insurmountable issue here] problem is due to a childhood trauma and cannot be dealt with effectively unless you undergo years of Freudian psychoanalysis, then you probably are not ready for this book.
May 23, 2009
This book is Albert Ellis completely. He gives great examples of the 'musts' that people conjure up and tenaciously hold on to to their own detriment. I did not agree with his assessment of alcoholics anonymous, that it pushed religious allegiance. He didn't understand that an alcoholic can never take that first drink and he stated that he thought that was ridiculous. I believe that people who are alcoholics need to refrain from drinking. Alcoholics are not like other people who can drink socially. I liked the author's examples of REBT. I will keep the book for reference.
December 28, 2025
This book helped me quite a bit. The book led me through a logical sequence of thoughts and steps that brought clarity to some of the upsetting experiences that I’ve had. I don’t recommend it for dealing with more traumatic events, obviously, but the book does help teach coping skills for everyday life.
December 18, 2015
Essentially the same as Ellis's books, but with more emphasis on specific issues such as obesity and substance abuse. Worthwhile read.
Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews