What do you think?
Rate this book
Victory Over Verbal Abuse: A Healing Guide to Renewing Your Spirit and Reclaiming Your Life
"You're too sensitive.""You'll never amount to anything.""You're crazy."If this is what you hear--from your spouse, your parent, your boss--then you've been the victim of verbal abuse. This insidious behavior permeates our culture--from the privacy of our own homes to the public glare of our schools, workplaces, and other institutions.But you don't have to live with it. In this groundbreaking companion to her bestselling The Verbally Abusive Relationship, acclaimed public speaker, educator and author Patricia Evans brings you the tools you need to triumph over verbal abuse, no matter where or how you encounter it.She'll guide you step by step through a powerful healing process that thorough review of available therapiesStrategies for dealing with abusersPositive messages of support and encouragementInspiring affirmations for every week of the yearWith Patricia's help, you'll achieve the clarity you need to build a new life--far from senseless accusations, wounding words, and confusing comments that have taken an untold toll on your psyche. You'll find validation, and learn to believe in yourself--and a better future--once more.
240 pages, Kindle Edition
First published November 18, 2011
191 people are currently reading
376 people want to read
About the author
Patricia Evans
67 books100 followersPatricia Evans is the bestselling author of five books, including The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out, Controlling People, The Verbally Abusive Man: Can He Change? and Victory Over Verbal Abuse. She has appeared on Oprah, CNN, national radio, and in Newsweek and O, The Oprah Magazine. She has spoken to groups throughout the US, Canada, Madrid at the "Commission for the Investigation of Violence Against Women" and in five cities in Australia. Patricia lives in the San Francisco Bay Area.
Librarian note: There is more than one author in the Goodreads database with this name.
Librarian note: There is more than one author in the Goodreads database with this name.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 22 of 22 reviews
December 10, 2013
I bought this book and finished it a few hours later, because it has many blank pages, greatly reducing the actual reading material.
First the pros:
1)The 52 weekly resolves are very helpful, for anyone completely lacking a support system, or even contact with the outside world.
2) The book is an easy read, and does not repeat itself too much.
3) It puts the onus on the abuser, which is very valid.
Now the Cons:
1) It's not based on any research. It relies on phone calls, which explain what happened, but not why it happened. If you don't know your triggers for abuse, you cant turn them off. You may react in a manner, that emboldens people to violate your boundaries and step in your turf. One who is abused by a spouse or parent at home, will have their defenses weakened at work/school. The bill of rights for a self-respecting individual need to be stated here, to address abuse the moment in begins to happen.
2) The book is focused on spousal abuse, and discusses the case of people with abusive spouses, whose emotional health is in a very bad state. This is not always the case. Abusers exist everywhere, at work, among friends, among colleagues and among relatives. The book does very little to discuss that.
To get a 360 degree picture of verbal abuse, one needs to buy all four of Ms. Evan's books, which is not something I am okay with. I think all the info needs to be in one book. I wouldn't spend close to $40 for four e-books on one topic by the same author.
First the pros:
1)The 52 weekly resolves are very helpful, for anyone completely lacking a support system, or even contact with the outside world.
2) The book is an easy read, and does not repeat itself too much.
3) It puts the onus on the abuser, which is very valid.
Now the Cons:
1) It's not based on any research. It relies on phone calls, which explain what happened, but not why it happened. If you don't know your triggers for abuse, you cant turn them off. You may react in a manner, that emboldens people to violate your boundaries and step in your turf. One who is abused by a spouse or parent at home, will have their defenses weakened at work/school. The bill of rights for a self-respecting individual need to be stated here, to address abuse the moment in begins to happen.
2) The book is focused on spousal abuse, and discusses the case of people with abusive spouses, whose emotional health is in a very bad state. This is not always the case. Abusers exist everywhere, at work, among friends, among colleagues and among relatives. The book does very little to discuss that.
To get a 360 degree picture of verbal abuse, one needs to buy all four of Ms. Evan's books, which is not something I am okay with. I think all the info needs to be in one book. I wouldn't spend close to $40 for four e-books on one topic by the same author.
November 7, 2016
I discovered Patricia Evans' books by chance when desperately trying to find some clues as to a relative's behaviour. I highly recommend all her books for anyone who is subject to such abuse. One thing I like is that the "abuser" is not written off but Evans helps us see WHY they may be behaving in this way while simultaneously debunking any notion that the recipient is to blame.
In the case of my relative I firmly believe that "theory of mind" difficulties are contributing to the situation, but being able to correctly identify abusive statements for what they are and having some strategies available as to how to respond in a non defensive way.... : By repeating the question, for example... Thus not allowing the "abuser " to divert... Of course this is easier said than done but practising such responses can help.
Learning to recognise when the abuser is speaking as if they were inside your head is crucial - I.e. When they are labelling or accusing... This can begin to help the victim to stop that assertion taking hold. "You are not me, therefore you cannot presume to tell me who I am or what I am thinking"
In the case of my relative I have managed to stop the worst of the accusations and labels in this way but new ones can slide in under the radar. Recently I was told I was "anti-intellectual" it was not until I had time to reflect on this that I was able to recognise what a ridiculous statement it was. At the time it made me angry and upset. My response then helped to justify his words in his mind.
The author suggests that abusers always say the opposite to the reality when they make these accusations or suggest such labels. They occur to them, for example, because the real woman is challenging their projection by doing or being those very things... The real woman, who cares deeply about this person may, for example, in fact be listening intently ... But perversely the abuser may say "You never listen.... "
???
Confusion and panic pour in.
I find that confusion is often the first feeling I experience.... Confusion of course leads us to want to try and clarify , justify etc etc... But the abuser is already making an irrational statement... It just sounds rational in its delivery so we are seduced into taking it seriously. The more we try to justify or explain the more the abuser may indulge in irrational accusations.
Patricia Evans talks about the abuser having lost part of their self and projecting this onto the other in a way that makes the real person invisible. When the real person "shows up" by responding in a way contrary to the "dream woman" the abuser gets angry... They cannot see the real person and they have lost themselves....
Many men, in particular get caught up in this negative cycle because of their own childhood experience. Some are able to pick up the challenge and learn enough about themselves to change.
Whether or not this is possible the book offers great advice and support for the victim. From my personal perspective as a specialist in Autistic Spectrum Conditions I do think undiagnosed ASCs are a big factor. If you cannot easily imagine another's feelings you are much more at risk of developing a controlling personality. But then if a father has experienced verbal and or emotional abuse from his father and therefore finds it hard to relate empathically to his son.... How will the son respond in adulthood?
AS factors or not labelling abusive behaviour correctly has helped me think more about strategies. It has helped give me back a sense of control.
In the course of her work Patricia has found that sadly many counsellors have very little idea about how to identify or counsel people trapped in these relationships. Sometimes a counsellor reinforces the abuse by telling the victim they need to change. While changing a family dynamic may help in the short term it will never in itself enable to abuser to gain insight into his behaviour and as soon as he is in a stressed or angry state things will revert. In particular she cautions against couples counselling where the therapist tells the woman in front of the man... You need to work harder at the relationship. This can give him the green light to justify his view that she is not good enough because she does not conform to his "dream woman" image. But... The dream woman is in fact invisible to both... But exists nevertheless.
Patricia Evans has written a further book which is free on kindle unlimited called The Verbally Abusive Man: Can He Change?: A Woman's Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go
I am fortunate because in my case the abuser is not my partner. I have not got to make the difficult decision whether to go or stay and we can face this situation together. I believe change is possible for all of us, and in my case the "abuser" is trying hard to change but as yet has little insight into how his words impact on others. It is vital for him, I think that I find ways of revealing this to him without further damaging his self esteem.
Evans suggests a way... We can use this kind of language " when you say.... It makes me feel like I am being abused because... " this does not directly accuse the other but alerts them to the impact of their words.
In the case of my relative I firmly believe that "theory of mind" difficulties are contributing to the situation, but being able to correctly identify abusive statements for what they are and having some strategies available as to how to respond in a non defensive way.... : By repeating the question, for example... Thus not allowing the "abuser " to divert... Of course this is easier said than done but practising such responses can help.
Learning to recognise when the abuser is speaking as if they were inside your head is crucial - I.e. When they are labelling or accusing... This can begin to help the victim to stop that assertion taking hold. "You are not me, therefore you cannot presume to tell me who I am or what I am thinking"
In the case of my relative I have managed to stop the worst of the accusations and labels in this way but new ones can slide in under the radar. Recently I was told I was "anti-intellectual" it was not until I had time to reflect on this that I was able to recognise what a ridiculous statement it was. At the time it made me angry and upset. My response then helped to justify his words in his mind.
The author suggests that abusers always say the opposite to the reality when they make these accusations or suggest such labels. They occur to them, for example, because the real woman is challenging their projection by doing or being those very things... The real woman, who cares deeply about this person may, for example, in fact be listening intently ... But perversely the abuser may say "You never listen.... "
???
Confusion and panic pour in.
I find that confusion is often the first feeling I experience.... Confusion of course leads us to want to try and clarify , justify etc etc... But the abuser is already making an irrational statement... It just sounds rational in its delivery so we are seduced into taking it seriously. The more we try to justify or explain the more the abuser may indulge in irrational accusations.
Patricia Evans talks about the abuser having lost part of their self and projecting this onto the other in a way that makes the real person invisible. When the real person "shows up" by responding in a way contrary to the "dream woman" the abuser gets angry... They cannot see the real person and they have lost themselves....
Many men, in particular get caught up in this negative cycle because of their own childhood experience. Some are able to pick up the challenge and learn enough about themselves to change.
Whether or not this is possible the book offers great advice and support for the victim. From my personal perspective as a specialist in Autistic Spectrum Conditions I do think undiagnosed ASCs are a big factor. If you cannot easily imagine another's feelings you are much more at risk of developing a controlling personality. But then if a father has experienced verbal and or emotional abuse from his father and therefore finds it hard to relate empathically to his son.... How will the son respond in adulthood?
AS factors or not labelling abusive behaviour correctly has helped me think more about strategies. It has helped give me back a sense of control.
In the course of her work Patricia has found that sadly many counsellors have very little idea about how to identify or counsel people trapped in these relationships. Sometimes a counsellor reinforces the abuse by telling the victim they need to change. While changing a family dynamic may help in the short term it will never in itself enable to abuser to gain insight into his behaviour and as soon as he is in a stressed or angry state things will revert. In particular she cautions against couples counselling where the therapist tells the woman in front of the man... You need to work harder at the relationship. This can give him the green light to justify his view that she is not good enough because she does not conform to his "dream woman" image. But... The dream woman is in fact invisible to both... But exists nevertheless.
Patricia Evans has written a further book which is free on kindle unlimited called The Verbally Abusive Man: Can He Change?: A Woman's Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go
I am fortunate because in my case the abuser is not my partner. I have not got to make the difficult decision whether to go or stay and we can face this situation together. I believe change is possible for all of us, and in my case the "abuser" is trying hard to change but as yet has little insight into how his words impact on others. It is vital for him, I think that I find ways of revealing this to him without further damaging his self esteem.
Evans suggests a way... We can use this kind of language " when you say.... It makes me feel like I am being abused because... " this does not directly accuse the other but alerts them to the impact of their words.
November 23, 2025
This book has a lot of great information. I did like her book the Verbally abusive relationship more. But this one did help me understand more about what I went through and further my recovery. I loved that it talked about the toll the abuse takes on your physical body. You cannot get physically healthy if you are being put down and Verbally abused non stop. Thank you for writing books to help women recognize, escape and recover from abuse. The weekly affirmations that are at the end of this book are great! They were extremely helpful to me. I read them often and share them with other women. Thank you for writing this book for Women like me. That being said it is sometimes hard to read some of the comments directed to the abuser and his recovery. Sometimes it feels like it is justifying the abuse. I don't know if abusers really can ever change but if they could this would be the book to help them. Overall this is a very helpful book and I am glad I read it.
April 4, 2024
This book is a crucial guide for survivors of verbal abuse, particularly aimed at women in toxic relationships. It dives deep into the destructive effects of abuse, emphasizing the importance of self-love, setting boundaries, and healing from past trauma. The affirmations at the end reinforce positivity and the journey towards reclaiming one's life. It's a powerful resource for those seeking to break free from the grip of toxic controllers and rediscover their sense of self-worth and agency. An abusers goal is to rid you of your sense of self so they can project their own misery into you. Practise self-love. Reinforce your boundaries. Heal from past trauma. Become your own person. Live your own life. Don't give up your control for anyone.
September 3, 2017
Excellent workbook to overcome verbal abuse
Verbal abuse, aka, bullying is rampant in our culture. Whether the words come from work home or media...especially social media... there is help through this book to undo the damage a build a stronger resilient self. The 52 weeks of Marta's and exercises is especially helpful to rework oneself. These weekly exercises would be great for everyone ... a form of life couch teachings, if you will.
Verbal abuse, aka, bullying is rampant in our culture. Whether the words come from work home or media...especially social media... there is help through this book to undo the damage a build a stronger resilient self. The 52 weeks of Marta's and exercises is especially helpful to rework oneself. These weekly exercises would be great for everyone ... a form of life couch teachings, if you will.
September 4, 2019
The book starts strong with explaining how negative external feedbacks can be destructive and how verbal abuse works. It continues with explaining how to overcome the low self esteem but then it takes it too far. Author explains how you should listen to your intuition in every single situation, (like when you wanna go out of home and your intuition says no, then don't! It might save you!) The final chapters remind me of the book The Secret and I was kinda disappointed.
May 28, 2019
Helpful
Easy to read and to apply. I'm renewed in my happiness having read all the affirmations and I have some of my own incorporated.
Easy to read and to apply. I'm renewed in my happiness having read all the affirmations and I have some of my own incorporated.
December 22, 2020
Helped provide so much clarity in my life
April 23, 2021
Read as ebook
September 7, 2022
Fantastic book for anyone that has experienced verbal abuse.
September 26, 2016
Read this book to better understand psychoemotional abuse and violence in relationships and community. I think this book well met its objectives, and i feel more aware of what constitutes abuse, how to recognize and manage it (& myself). Its a simple and effective writing style which engages the reader, and its a quick read - and very helpful too! I do think its a little sexist (implying the man is the prime culprit of relationship abuse), but i do understand the author's perspective born out of researching millennia of patriarchal abuse and the global scale of violence against women by men (in relationships).
Living in a very small gringo expat community, in a remote economically deprived village in Guatemala, i came to understand how abusive and psychoemotionally violent gringos in Jaibalito could be (2 years) i.e., sitting around drinking alcohol all day, maliciously gossiping about others not present, telling lies about you and manipulating behind your back, and not finding out the truth before telling lies/manipulating. Abusive people need to heal their childhood wounds and they will continue hurting others who trigger them until they do. However, such people will nigh always make you out to be the problem, and when they can't manipulate you to that effect they do the next best thing - which is to manipulate other people (your friends/acquaintances) behind your back i.e., via lies, slander, and other means.
The message from this book is very clear we have to remove ourselves from abusive/violent people and toxic relationships. You can not fix that, just move on and outgrow it. The good news is that by understanding what constitutes verbal abuse (defining another person i.e. their thoughts, actions ,beliefs etc) and the manipulation(s) that goes with it, as well as understanding / honoring our emotional boundaries/values, we can better protect ourselves - and reclaim any sanity lost.
You might think this book is primarily about men & women in relationships - and it is - but this book is also very applicable to all relationships i.e., personal, friends, family, professional, community. Remember, their abuse of you has nothing to do with you. You are simply a 'mirror' and 'trigger' and these people simply act out their ignorance and conditioning through you. Reclaim your sanity - read this book (& many others!).
Victory Over Verbal Abuse: A Healing Guide to Renewing Your Spirit and Reclaiming Your Life
Living in a very small gringo expat community, in a remote economically deprived village in Guatemala, i came to understand how abusive and psychoemotionally violent gringos in Jaibalito could be (2 years) i.e., sitting around drinking alcohol all day, maliciously gossiping about others not present, telling lies about you and manipulating behind your back, and not finding out the truth before telling lies/manipulating. Abusive people need to heal their childhood wounds and they will continue hurting others who trigger them until they do. However, such people will nigh always make you out to be the problem, and when they can't manipulate you to that effect they do the next best thing - which is to manipulate other people (your friends/acquaintances) behind your back i.e., via lies, slander, and other means.
The message from this book is very clear we have to remove ourselves from abusive/violent people and toxic relationships. You can not fix that, just move on and outgrow it. The good news is that by understanding what constitutes verbal abuse (defining another person i.e. their thoughts, actions ,beliefs etc) and the manipulation(s) that goes with it, as well as understanding / honoring our emotional boundaries/values, we can better protect ourselves - and reclaim any sanity lost.
You might think this book is primarily about men & women in relationships - and it is - but this book is also very applicable to all relationships i.e., personal, friends, family, professional, community. Remember, their abuse of you has nothing to do with you. You are simply a 'mirror' and 'trigger' and these people simply act out their ignorance and conditioning through you. Reclaim your sanity - read this book (& many others!).
Victory Over Verbal Abuse: A Healing Guide to Renewing Your Spirit and Reclaiming Your Life
January 10, 2022
*re-read*
A helpful and very self-affirming read for anyone who struggled with verbal abuse. It validates that you are not alone in your feelings, as it is normal to feel confused, angry and worthless. I simply read the weekly affirmations instead of working through them as advised, which would have been more transformational.
However, I was concerned with the author's advice to just leave or call the police (“if you are [physically abused] (...), call your local domestic violence prevention center") and cheesy lines ("like many others, she will speak out, bringing awareness to others and saving lives"). The book also doesn't explain the 'whys' behind the abuse, but I'm aware it's part of this author's other titles.
Key takeaways:
- Ask yourself, what has he said about you that you believed was true but wasn't?
- As you well know, explaining the abuse to the abuser doesn't work - just say "nonsense" when he's trying to define you
- That's right, attempts to define you, playing God and 'knowing' your thoughts or intentions is also abuse
- Go to an emotionally safe place for you, whether a bustling shopping mall or a calm lake
- Don't ignore the importance of micronutrients, exercise and self love
- Recovery is all about understanding that the abuse has nothing to do with you, and trying to fix yourself leads to a state of complete exhaustion
- Abusing back doesn't work. Only leads to more blame. Solves nothing
- Sometimes a video camera solves things though. Ask him: could you please repeat it for the camera? (note to self: actually sounds like something that would enrage him even more)
- Tell the abuser examples of abusive sentences that he has used
- Give clear instructions what he has to change if you are to stay. This way when you leave, you tell him exactly the things he kept saying to you with a list of abusive behaviors. Stay away then.
A helpful and very self-affirming read for anyone who struggled with verbal abuse. It validates that you are not alone in your feelings, as it is normal to feel confused, angry and worthless. I simply read the weekly affirmations instead of working through them as advised, which would have been more transformational.
However, I was concerned with the author's advice to just leave or call the police (“if you are [physically abused] (...), call your local domestic violence prevention center") and cheesy lines ("like many others, she will speak out, bringing awareness to others and saving lives"). The book also doesn't explain the 'whys' behind the abuse, but I'm aware it's part of this author's other titles.
Key takeaways:
- Ask yourself, what has he said about you that you believed was true but wasn't?
- As you well know, explaining the abuse to the abuser doesn't work - just say "nonsense" when he's trying to define you
- That's right, attempts to define you, playing God and 'knowing' your thoughts or intentions is also abuse
- Go to an emotionally safe place for you, whether a bustling shopping mall or a calm lake
- Don't ignore the importance of micronutrients, exercise and self love
- Recovery is all about understanding that the abuse has nothing to do with you, and trying to fix yourself leads to a state of complete exhaustion
- Abusing back doesn't work. Only leads to more blame. Solves nothing
- Sometimes a video camera solves things though. Ask him: could you please repeat it for the camera? (note to self: actually sounds like something that would enrage him even more)
- Tell the abuser examples of abusive sentences that he has used
- Give clear instructions what he has to change if you are to stay. This way when you leave, you tell him exactly the things he kept saying to you with a list of abusive behaviors. Stay away then.
February 14, 2016
Amazing amazing amazing insightful and full of healing book. So important for all victims of verbal abuse to see and recognize their pain and take steps towards freedom and a greater sense of self. It was a little bit too new age for me towards the end of the book with "the universe" etc but still the principles and the wisdom of the different types of abuse and how to be better equipped and knowledgable to know what you are experiencing and can get free from is priceless. I 100% recommend this book and her other book called "the verbally abusive relationship" I just started reading that and I cried reading every page. Putting into words what I experienced and felt but could not communicate or understand. Thank you for the clarity and help!!!!! Still need a lot more healing from the trauma and hurtful identities but it's been really good to read books on this issue.
June 26, 2016
Recovering from abuse is similar to recovering from alcohol. This is a good book to help one recover from abuse. It is a journey, and a commitment to walk away from an abusive relationship that brings great emotional pain. I just started that journey.
November 12, 2025
This was about what I had been through, it was good and it confirmed and showed me that no I wasn't crazy. I didn't feel it did much on the path to recovery, but maybe I read it to early too.
For additional reviews please see my blog at www.adventuresofabibliophile.blogspot...
For additional reviews please see my blog at www.adventuresofabibliophile.blogspot...
January 2, 2014
As an advocate for victims I often recommended it as a resource.
November 4, 2014
Glad to see Patricia Evans' books on the topic now have shifted to victory and techniques for moving beyond victimization. Brava:)!!
August 20, 2015
A good book to read-it was helpful and simple to follow
March 30, 2016
First half of book good, second half bad.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
January 27, 2016
Wouldn't recommend all the therapies but great content
April 7, 2017
It helps that you can finally name your situation and the book gives you hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel. You are not alone. You can heal, and by healing you will help make this a better world.
A great read!
A great read!
Displaying 1 - 22 of 22 reviews