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Saying What's Real: 7 Keys to Authentic Communication and Relationship Success
Whether with friends, lovers, neighbors, family members or business associates, the bedrock of healthy relationships is always the same: honest, clear communication. Drawing on her years of experience as a relationship coach and a teamwork consultant to Fortune 500 companies, Susan Campbell shows readers how to drastically improve the quality of their everyday interations by relying on a simple, straight-forward approach to communication and letting go of their need to control the outcome. Practical techniques for dropping one's defenses are offered, as well as a fresh new perspective on using intimate relationships as a form of spiritual practice. Other useful tools include seven statements designed to bring the reader's awareness into the present moment, as well as handy communication-enhancing phrases and Campbell's insights on the most commonly encountered problems.
176 pages, Paperback
First published January 18, 2005
46 people are currently reading
250 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews
May 26, 2012
This book gave me a lot to think about. The author provides "seven keys" for improving communication. The keys help you to: 1) focus on staying in the present moment and 2) communicate without the intent to control others. The author states that "communication that fosters connection, trust, intimacy, and respect, is about knowing and being known." To achieve this, she provides key phrases that can help you express wants ("A want is only a want. It is not a command or an order."), diminish overreactions when your unconscious fears are triggered, express appreciation and deal with conflict in a way that lessens the avoidance of it. The book is a very quick read--less than 150 pages--but it is filled with practical examples of how the seven keys can be used in various types of relationships, from business to romantic. I don't think that using the keys is easy but it is easy to see how most relationships would benefit from their use, even if only occasionally.
February 11, 2023
This probably doesn't stand alone, but is an excellent follow-on to Getting Real: 10 Truth Skills You Need to Live an Authentic Life. My husband and I book-clubbed our way through the latter and are now working on this one (I went ahead and finished it early, realizing that the chapters were going quickly and I'd rather be reviewing a chapter every week than reading it for the first time).
As before, there are some truly excellent suggestions on how to phrase things while "staying on your side of the net" and handling thorny topics or moments of high tension. There are only seven, and if you've been through some leadership or intimacy training then some might already be familiar, so if you'd rather sift through a *lot* of possibly useful phrases you might consider Magic Words: 101 Ways to Talk Your Way Through Life's Challenges or Talking the Winner's Way: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Business and Personal Relationships.
However, these seven are really good, particularly for intimate relationships. I was able to use the first one to excellent effect before I'd even finished the book -- I was buying property with a good friend, who had an unnerving habit of talking about how excited he was going to be to have full control over the entire two-family house. After several repetitions I said "Hearing you say that about full control, I feel concerned that you don't really intend to work with me on the plans for the property, or maybe that you hope I won't have much input." My friend was quiet, and I didn't say anything else. Then in a little while (okay, after dinner) he said he completely understood how his wording was causing such feelings, and how sorry he was to have contributed to those. Then he clarified that he's excited to be in a small, trusted *collective* that has full control. I have to admit, I'm a decent talker but I haven't gotten THAT much mileage out of a single sentence in a long time. And yes, the first of these seven phrases is "Hearing you say that, I feel...". My husband and I also like to use this one on the cats when they yowl, just to be silly.
If you study the art of successful relating and conversing, this is a quick read that might help and can't hurt.
As before, there are some truly excellent suggestions on how to phrase things while "staying on your side of the net" and handling thorny topics or moments of high tension. There are only seven, and if you've been through some leadership or intimacy training then some might already be familiar, so if you'd rather sift through a *lot* of possibly useful phrases you might consider Magic Words: 101 Ways to Talk Your Way Through Life's Challenges or Talking the Winner's Way: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Business and Personal Relationships.
However, these seven are really good, particularly for intimate relationships. I was able to use the first one to excellent effect before I'd even finished the book -- I was buying property with a good friend, who had an unnerving habit of talking about how excited he was going to be to have full control over the entire two-family house. After several repetitions I said "Hearing you say that about full control, I feel concerned that you don't really intend to work with me on the plans for the property, or maybe that you hope I won't have much input." My friend was quiet, and I didn't say anything else. Then in a little while (okay, after dinner) he said he completely understood how his wording was causing such feelings, and how sorry he was to have contributed to those. Then he clarified that he's excited to be in a small, trusted *collective* that has full control. I have to admit, I'm a decent talker but I haven't gotten THAT much mileage out of a single sentence in a long time. And yes, the first of these seven phrases is "Hearing you say that, I feel...". My husband and I also like to use this one on the cats when they yowl, just to be silly.
If you study the art of successful relating and conversing, this is a quick read that might help and can't hurt.
May 15, 2013
I already use a lot of the tools that are in this book and so there wasn't much new or surprising but I do think this would be a helpful resource for people who do have trouble communicating. The author is a little wooden in how she applies these tools (and for people learning this that is probably helpful) but overall a helpful resource.
March 2, 2014
I love this book. I really believe that using these key phrases Susan introduces are the most important factor in maintaining open and honest communication in any relationship. Like many other self-help books I've given five stars too, I wish I had read this years ago. Maybe I could have been honest with myself then.
May 8, 2022
This might be one of my favourite books on communication and relationships. I wish I had read this book sooner for it would have helped me so much in all of my relationships. The seven keys are not just a way of communicating. They are a form of mindfulness which helps us connect to our bodies and feelings in the present moment, thus helping become more authentic and true to ourselves.
As someone who chronically runs from confrontation and 'negative' feelings like anger, sadness and disappointment, I was delighted to find a way to express these feelings in a way that makes me feel safe. Not only that, but the book made me realize that being in conflict with someone is not the end of the world or death's kiss in a relationship of any kind. I am very grateful to have stumbled upon this books and I and others have noticed a huge improvement in the way I communicate.
As someone who chronically runs from confrontation and 'negative' feelings like anger, sadness and disappointment, I was delighted to find a way to express these feelings in a way that makes me feel safe. Not only that, but the book made me realize that being in conflict with someone is not the end of the world or death's kiss in a relationship of any kind. I am very grateful to have stumbled upon this books and I and others have noticed a huge improvement in the way I communicate.
January 16, 2018
Wow Life Changing!
Susan is crystal clear. Her language is accessible. The exercises are easy to follow. I really felt supported and encouraged. Her work has improved my communication immensely!
Susan is crystal clear. Her language is accessible. The exercises are easy to follow. I really felt supported and encouraged. Her work has improved my communication immensely!
January 30, 2024
BOOK REVIEW:
CAMPBELL, Susan, Saying What's Real - The Seven Keys to Authentic Communication
ISBN-13: 978-1932073126
A Self-help memo on healthy communication strategies.
Honest, kind and effective communication is the subject of this book, written by an experienced psychologist. Dealing with dozens of daily examples of common relationship and work conflicts arising from bad communication, the author gives 7 valuable keys or communication strategies that, once authomatized, provide the reader a more easy-going, albeit effective, way to understand the interlocutor while expressing themselves in a more honest and kind way.
Following too closely the self help style and, in repeating over and over the keys and examples, and, perhaps worse, sentence lenght and tone, to me the book was boring in several passages. It does its job, but there were some moments I thought the knowledge I was learning was not worth the work of reading. However, it was indeed worth the effort, and I am happy I did not abandon the reading.
It's structure is simple. After a short introduction of the subject, 7 chapters follow, each about any of the 7 keys of the title. Chapter 1 deals with recognizing emotions felt in reaction to other people's talking or attitudes, and the importance and method of straight-forward communication of those emotions, without any additional requirement for the interlocutor other than understanding such emotions. The "hearing you saying or doing that I feel" formulas, such results can be attained.
Chapter 2 deals with honest recognition of one's wishes, desires and wants, and straight-forward communication of what one wants from the other, using the "I want" formula. While both previous chapters dealt with immediate reactions, Chapter 3 teaches the use of the "I have some feelings to clear" formula in order to clean up what was left non communicated before.
Chapters 4 to 7 deal with what I took as variations and developments of the the "I feel" and "I want" formulas: "I'm getting triggered"; "I appreciate you for"; "I hear you, and I have a different perspective"; "Can we talk about how we're feeling?" formulas. All chapters give plenty of practical examples and explain why the use of the formulas is better than the alternative renditions in order to ensure authentic communication. Chapter 8 is conclusive chapter, closing with tips on working with the 7 keys, and two appendices give additional resources.
The book focuses on the formulas for communication, but also helps improving self awareness and thus honesty with one's feelings; an important consideration which perhaps could have been made more explicit by the author is setting aside the authoritarian tendency we may have to communicate in a way that lets implicit an attitude of imposing what the expected interlocutor's reaction is to be. In this sense, besides authenticity, that is, honesty, the book also helps the readers improve their kindness. Despite the self-help style which could put off some readers, I think the book does deserve reading.
CAMPBELL, Susan, Saying What's Real - The Seven Keys to Authentic Communication
ISBN-13: 978-1932073126
A Self-help memo on healthy communication strategies.
Honest, kind and effective communication is the subject of this book, written by an experienced psychologist. Dealing with dozens of daily examples of common relationship and work conflicts arising from bad communication, the author gives 7 valuable keys or communication strategies that, once authomatized, provide the reader a more easy-going, albeit effective, way to understand the interlocutor while expressing themselves in a more honest and kind way.
Following too closely the self help style and, in repeating over and over the keys and examples, and, perhaps worse, sentence lenght and tone, to me the book was boring in several passages. It does its job, but there were some moments I thought the knowledge I was learning was not worth the work of reading. However, it was indeed worth the effort, and I am happy I did not abandon the reading.
It's structure is simple. After a short introduction of the subject, 7 chapters follow, each about any of the 7 keys of the title. Chapter 1 deals with recognizing emotions felt in reaction to other people's talking or attitudes, and the importance and method of straight-forward communication of those emotions, without any additional requirement for the interlocutor other than understanding such emotions. The "hearing you saying or doing that I feel" formulas, such results can be attained.
Chapter 2 deals with honest recognition of one's wishes, desires and wants, and straight-forward communication of what one wants from the other, using the "I want" formula. While both previous chapters dealt with immediate reactions, Chapter 3 teaches the use of the "I have some feelings to clear" formula in order to clean up what was left non communicated before.
Chapters 4 to 7 deal with what I took as variations and developments of the the "I feel" and "I want" formulas: "I'm getting triggered"; "I appreciate you for"; "I hear you, and I have a different perspective"; "Can we talk about how we're feeling?" formulas. All chapters give plenty of practical examples and explain why the use of the formulas is better than the alternative renditions in order to ensure authentic communication. Chapter 8 is conclusive chapter, closing with tips on working with the 7 keys, and two appendices give additional resources.
The book focuses on the formulas for communication, but also helps improving self awareness and thus honesty with one's feelings; an important consideration which perhaps could have been made more explicit by the author is setting aside the authoritarian tendency we may have to communicate in a way that lets implicit an attitude of imposing what the expected interlocutor's reaction is to be. In this sense, besides authenticity, that is, honesty, the book also helps the readers improve their kindness. Despite the self-help style which could put off some readers, I think the book does deserve reading.
July 22, 2014
I would recommend this for couples not for business. It is too weak for using the seven keys in the workplace. Its pretty much the same from the first page to the last one: Talking from the present moment, from our feelings not from our mind.
Anyway is has some innovation on how to stay connected to your feelings.
Anyway is has some innovation on how to stay connected to your feelings.
November 27, 2019
I'm trying to do a lot better in my personal communications and Susan Campbell's lessons are very helpful. They make a lot of sense to me. Hopefully someone named Christine benefits from my efforts. Hi Christine!
Want to read
July 23, 2008Tom and I are reading this together.
Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews