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Football Wit
When you've finished explaining the offside rule, shouting at the ref and perfecting your ball skills, treat yourself to a hearty half-time chuckle with this goal-scoring collection of footy wisecracks.
No matter if your team win, lose or draw, 'Football Wit' will keep you smiling through all the own goals and red cards that come your way.
There is a strap line, 'Quips and Quotes for the Football Fanatic', on the cover but this is not carried through to the title page so the book is catalogued, as it should be, without the strap-line.
No matter if your team win, lose or draw, 'Football Wit' will keep you smiling through all the own goals and red cards that come your way.
There is a strap line, 'Quips and Quotes for the Football Fanatic', on the cover but this is not carried through to the title page so the book is catalogued, as it should be, without the strap-line.
- GenresSports
256 pages, Mass Market Paperback
First published July 7, 2008
10 people want to read
About the author
Aubrey Malone
115 books31 followersBorn in the west of Ireland, Aubrey Malone was educated at University College, Dublin, graduating with a BA in English and philosophy. He did an M.A. in English, majoring in the literary style of Ernest Hemingway. He went on to write a biography of Hemingway for Robson Books in 1999. For ten years he was a teacher, before becoming a freelance journalist with various newspapers and magazines. He has written over fifty books, including the best-selling The Cynic's Dictionary (Prion). He mainly works in the non-fiction area but he has published two novels and a few collections of poetry and short stories. He has been writing professionally about the cinema since 1973.
His first book, Hollyweird (Michael O’Mara, 1994), focused on the eccentricities of film stars. He followed that up with two books on movies made in Ireland, Michael Collins and Ryan’s Daughter (GLI, both 1996). In 1997 he wrote The Rise and Fall and Rise of Elvis Presley (Leopold Publishing). Three years later he wrote I Was a Fugitive from a Hollywood Film Factory, subsequently reissued as Hollywood Trivia (Prion, 2004).
In 2011 he wrote Censoring Hollywood (McFarland), a book about the history of film censorship. The Defiant One, a biography of Tony Curtis (also McFarland) followed in 2013. In the same year he wrote Maureen O’Hara: A Biography for the University of Kentucky Press. McFarland also published Hollywood’s Second Sex, Malone’s history of the mistreatment of women in movies from 1900 to 1999, in 2016. ABC-CLIO published his study of spirituality in films, Sacred Profanity.
Writing Under the Influence, a study of the relationship between alcohol and literature for thirteen American authors, was published by McFarland in 2017. In 2018 he published a book about people who unfairly failed to win Oscars, And the Loser Is (Vernon Press). That year he also published The Elvis Diaries (One Media), a work of creative fiction based on fact. He is currently working on a biography of Sidney Lumet and an encyclopedia of LGBTQ films.
His first book, Hollyweird (Michael O’Mara, 1994), focused on the eccentricities of film stars. He followed that up with two books on movies made in Ireland, Michael Collins and Ryan’s Daughter (GLI, both 1996). In 1997 he wrote The Rise and Fall and Rise of Elvis Presley (Leopold Publishing). Three years later he wrote I Was a Fugitive from a Hollywood Film Factory, subsequently reissued as Hollywood Trivia (Prion, 2004).
In 2011 he wrote Censoring Hollywood (McFarland), a book about the history of film censorship. The Defiant One, a biography of Tony Curtis (also McFarland) followed in 2013. In the same year he wrote Maureen O’Hara: A Biography for the University of Kentucky Press. McFarland also published Hollywood’s Second Sex, Malone’s history of the mistreatment of women in movies from 1900 to 1999, in 2016. ABC-CLIO published his study of spirituality in films, Sacred Profanity.
Writing Under the Influence, a study of the relationship between alcohol and literature for thirteen American authors, was published by McFarland in 2017. In 2018 he published a book about people who unfairly failed to win Oscars, And the Loser Is (Vernon Press). That year he also published The Elvis Diaries (One Media), a work of creative fiction based on fact. He is currently working on a biography of Sidney Lumet and an encyclopedia of LGBTQ films.
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Displaying 1 - 4 of 4 reviews
February 21, 2021
ফুটবল টীমে ক্লাব ম্যানেজারের কাজ হইতেছে কমে কেনা, বেশিতে বেচা। আরেক ম্যানেজার যদি কল দিয়া কয়, তোমার ওই খেলোয়াড়ডা কেমন? উত্তরে কওয়া লাগবে, ‘পোলা মাশাল্লাহ, একশ একশ, দিনে দুইবার চার্চে যায়। বাতাসে ভাইসা ভাইসা খ্যালে, মাংসল ঠ্যাং, এত ভদ্র যে মঞ্চায় মাইয়ার জামাই বানায়া লই।’ কিন্তু ভুলেও ফাঁস করা যাইবো না যে পোলায় ড্রিবলিং করতে গেলে একটা সিমেন্টের বস্তারেও পাশ কাটাইতারেনা।
—
মরিনহো—রে পোপের চাকরি অফার করা হইছিল। মরিনহো মানা কইরা দিছে, কয় আমি এসিস্টেন্ট পদের চাকরি করি না।
—
দুনিয়ার সবচেয়ে দামী হ্যান্ডবল খেলোয়াড়ের নাম কি? ম্যারাডোনা!
—
গত বিশ্বকাপের সময় ভিক্টোরিয়া বেকহাম গর্ভবতী হইছিল। যাক, ডেভিড অন্ততঃ একটা টারগেটে তো ঠিকমতো লাগাইতে পারছে!
—
ট্রেভর এমন চায়া চায়া লাল কার্ড খায়, মনে হয় যেন রেফারির কাছ থেকে অটোগ্রাফ নিতে গেছে।
—
টিভিতে জার্মানির খেলা দেখতেছিলাম। ভাবলাম চা বানায়া আনি। উঠলাম, যাওয়ার সময় টিভির সাথে একটু ধাক্কা লাগল, তাতেই দেখি ক্লিনসম্যান মাঠে কাইত হইয়া ফাউল ফাউল কইয়া চিল্লাইতেছে!
—
অ্যালেক্স ফার্গুসনের সবচেয়ে বড় দুর্বলতা হইল— হ্যায় মনে করে তার কোন দুর্বলতা নাই।
—
ফিফা মানে ফরগেট আইরিশ ফুটবল অলটুগেদার।
—
জিম হল্টনরে লাখখানেক ইউরো দিয়া দলে আনার কয়দিন পরে, ম্যানেজার আমারে প্রশংসামাখা সুরে কয়, ভাই, হল্টনের ডিকশনারিতে পরাজয় বলতে কোন শব্দই নাই।
আমি কইলাম, হ, তবে পরাজয় ছাড়াও আরো অনেক শব্দ অর ডিকশনারিতে নাই, যেমন পাস, ড্রিবলিং, কন্ট্রোল...
—
ক্লাব ফুটবল, বিশেষ করে প্রিমিয়ার লীগের বিভিন্ন হাস্যরসাত্মক আলাপ এসেছে এখানে, ২-৫ লাইনের কৌতুকমাখা উক্তি বা মতামতের সংকলন রূপে। হালকা বই, হাসলাম কয়েকটা পড়ে। মাথা পরিষ্কার করার জন্য ভালোই!
—
মরিনহো—রে পোপের চাকরি অফার করা হইছিল। মরিনহো মানা কইরা দিছে, কয় আমি এসিস্টেন্ট পদের চাকরি করি না।
—
দুনিয়ার সবচেয়ে দামী হ্যান্ডবল খেলোয়াড়ের নাম কি? ম্যারাডোনা!
—
গত বিশ্বকাপের সময় ভিক্টোরিয়া বেকহাম গর্ভবতী হইছিল। যাক, ডেভিড অন্ততঃ একটা টারগেটে তো ঠিকমতো লাগাইতে পারছে!
—
ট্রেভর এমন চায়া চায়া লাল কার্ড খায়, মনে হয় যেন রেফারির কাছ থেকে অটোগ্রাফ নিতে গেছে।
—
টিভিতে জার্মানির খেলা দেখতেছিলাম। ভাবলাম চা বানায়া আনি। উঠলাম, যাওয়ার সময় টিভির সাথে একটু ধাক্কা লাগল, তাতেই দেখি ক্লিনসম্যান মাঠে কাইত হইয়া ফাউল ফাউল কইয়া চিল্লাইতেছে!
—
অ্যালেক্স ফার্গুসনের সবচেয়ে বড় দুর্বলতা হইল— হ্যায় মনে করে তার কোন দুর্বলতা নাই।
—
ফিফা মানে ফরগেট আইরিশ ফুটবল অলটুগেদার।
—
জিম হল্টনরে লাখখানেক ইউরো দিয়া দলে আনার কয়দিন পরে, ম্যানেজার আমারে প্রশংসামাখা সুরে কয়, ভাই, হল্টনের ডিকশনারিতে পরাজয় বলতে কোন শব্দই নাই।
আমি কইলাম, হ, তবে পরাজয় ছাড়াও আরো অনেক শব্দ অর ডিকশনারিতে নাই, যেমন পাস, ড্রিবলিং, কন্ট্রোল...
—
ক্লাব ফুটবল, বিশেষ করে প্রিমিয়ার লীগের বিভিন্ন হাস্যরসাত্মক আলাপ এসেছে এখানে, ২-৫ লাইনের কৌতুকমাখা উক্তি বা মতামতের সংকলন রূপে। হালকা বই, হাসলাম কয়েকটা পড়ে। মাথা পরিষ্কার করার জন্য ভালোই!
July 3, 2020
With all the punditry, player, manager and even spectator interviews that are held after football matches these days, there is plenty of opportunity for a foot in the mouth moment. And Aubrey Malone has proved the point by selecting hundreds of comments that amuse and/or make nonsense of what is trying to be said.
The first comment that struck me was one relating to my team, Blackpool, and it was made, apparently, by Lawrie McMenemy. He said, 'The last player to score a hat-trick in the FA Cup Final was Stan Mortensen. He even had a final named after him, the Matthews Final.' What made me laugh about it, apart from its absurdity, was the fact that I could add something to the comment: I was lucky enough to be a friend of Stan Matthews in his later life and he always said that the 1953 Final should not have been known as the Matthews Final, it should have been called the Mortensen Final and he didn't say it immodestly .. and Stan Matthews would always say that whenever the final was discussed. Incidentally if ever you see the final you will notice that one of 'Morty's' goals could have been credited as an own goal as the ball struck Harold Hassell and diverted completely away from goalkeeper Stan Hanson! But history records it as 'Mortensen 3' so there it is. Incidentally I mentioned this incident to Harold at a dinner in 1988 and he looked horrified and said, 'Oh no, I don't want a part of it at all!' I didn't blame him!'
Another one of the quotations that I can add something to is Bill Shankly's slightly unkind comment, 'Pat Crerand is deceptive: he's slower than you think.' Well in Blackpool's Premier League season, when I was commentating at the Manchester United game, Pat Crerand was close by me. And before the off we had a chat and while we were chatting, Jimmy Armfield, at 75 or so and still working for BBC Radio Five live, came up the steps along side us. Pat said to me, 'Excuse me, Gerry, there's Jimmy Armfield. I could never catch him on the field, I'm going to try and do so now!' Jimmy was exceptionally speedy as a full back so there was no shame on Pat Crerand at all.
And mention of Pat Crerand leads me to a comment of his in the book, just so prophetic for he must have had advance knowledge of what is happening in the game today as he said, 'If one day the tacticians reached perfection, the result would be a nil-all draw ... and there'd be no one there to see it.' He must have known!
I also liked Tommy Docherty's 1988 comment, 'Robert Maxwell's just bought Brighton and Hove Albion. He's furious that it's only one club' ... sounds likely, doesn't it? And also being non-complimentary, Victoria Beckham commented, 'I've read David's autobiography from cover to cover. It's got some nice pictures.' And ...?
The (unnamed) chairman of Fulham once said, 'We've got a long team plan at this club and except for the results it's going well' - could it have been in comedian Tommy Trinder's time I wonder? And on a similar note, Malcolm Allison was funny when he said, 'A lot of hard work went into this defeat.' I must confess, I've played in many games like that!
And presumably in the heat of a moment, Alan Hansen once commented, 'David Seaman [Arsenal and England goalkeeper] isn't great when he has got to kick the ball with his feet.' And Jack Charlton when manager of Ireland commented, 'If Ireland finish with a draw in winning this game, that would be fine.' A delightful oxymoron!
'Football Wit' is a little bit of fun, not to be taken too seriously as many of the subjects were obviously under pressure when offering their utterances!
The first comment that struck me was one relating to my team, Blackpool, and it was made, apparently, by Lawrie McMenemy. He said, 'The last player to score a hat-trick in the FA Cup Final was Stan Mortensen. He even had a final named after him, the Matthews Final.' What made me laugh about it, apart from its absurdity, was the fact that I could add something to the comment: I was lucky enough to be a friend of Stan Matthews in his later life and he always said that the 1953 Final should not have been known as the Matthews Final, it should have been called the Mortensen Final and he didn't say it immodestly .. and Stan Matthews would always say that whenever the final was discussed. Incidentally if ever you see the final you will notice that one of 'Morty's' goals could have been credited as an own goal as the ball struck Harold Hassell and diverted completely away from goalkeeper Stan Hanson! But history records it as 'Mortensen 3' so there it is. Incidentally I mentioned this incident to Harold at a dinner in 1988 and he looked horrified and said, 'Oh no, I don't want a part of it at all!' I didn't blame him!'
Another one of the quotations that I can add something to is Bill Shankly's slightly unkind comment, 'Pat Crerand is deceptive: he's slower than you think.' Well in Blackpool's Premier League season, when I was commentating at the Manchester United game, Pat Crerand was close by me. And before the off we had a chat and while we were chatting, Jimmy Armfield, at 75 or so and still working for BBC Radio Five live, came up the steps along side us. Pat said to me, 'Excuse me, Gerry, there's Jimmy Armfield. I could never catch him on the field, I'm going to try and do so now!' Jimmy was exceptionally speedy as a full back so there was no shame on Pat Crerand at all.
And mention of Pat Crerand leads me to a comment of his in the book, just so prophetic for he must have had advance knowledge of what is happening in the game today as he said, 'If one day the tacticians reached perfection, the result would be a nil-all draw ... and there'd be no one there to see it.' He must have known!
I also liked Tommy Docherty's 1988 comment, 'Robert Maxwell's just bought Brighton and Hove Albion. He's furious that it's only one club' ... sounds likely, doesn't it? And also being non-complimentary, Victoria Beckham commented, 'I've read David's autobiography from cover to cover. It's got some nice pictures.' And ...?
The (unnamed) chairman of Fulham once said, 'We've got a long team plan at this club and except for the results it's going well' - could it have been in comedian Tommy Trinder's time I wonder? And on a similar note, Malcolm Allison was funny when he said, 'A lot of hard work went into this defeat.' I must confess, I've played in many games like that!
And presumably in the heat of a moment, Alan Hansen once commented, 'David Seaman [Arsenal and England goalkeeper] isn't great when he has got to kick the ball with his feet.' And Jack Charlton when manager of Ireland commented, 'If Ireland finish with a draw in winning this game, that would be fine.' A delightful oxymoron!
'Football Wit' is a little bit of fun, not to be taken too seriously as many of the subjects were obviously under pressure when offering their utterances!
August 27, 2014
Har har! What a delightfully funny book with some epic quotes.
Sample some of these gems:
"We lost because we didn't win." ~Ronaldo
"Alex Ferguson's weakness is that he doesn't think he has any." ~Arsene Wenger
"Batista gets most of his goals with the ball." ~Ian St. John
Probably my favourite:
"Michael Owen used to be the baby-faced assassin. Wayne Rooney is the assassin-faced baby." ~The Guardian
There were funny lines, insulting lines, and some that were just 'meh'. However, what this collection lacks is that it doesn't provide the context in which the said things were said. Especially for things that are more than a generation old, it would've helped if the quotes had been anecdotes instead.
Maybe, I'm being unfair by rating a book on quotes by wishing for a book on anecdotes instead, but hey, we footie fans are a demanding bunch! We always need more! :)
Sample some of these gems:
"We lost because we didn't win." ~Ronaldo
"Alex Ferguson's weakness is that he doesn't think he has any." ~Arsene Wenger
"Batista gets most of his goals with the ball." ~Ian St. John
Probably my favourite:
"Michael Owen used to be the baby-faced assassin. Wayne Rooney is the assassin-faced baby." ~The Guardian
There were funny lines, insulting lines, and some that were just 'meh'. However, what this collection lacks is that it doesn't provide the context in which the said things were said. Especially for things that are more than a generation old, it would've helped if the quotes had been anecdotes instead.
Maybe, I'm being unfair by rating a book on quotes by wishing for a book on anecdotes instead, but hey, we footie fans are a demanding bunch! We always need more! :)
August 29, 2022
Nice little book of football quotes
Displaying 1 - 4 of 4 reviews