Wenn der Mensch, den du liebst, depressiv ist: Wie man Angehörigen oder Freunden hilft

by Laura Epstein Rosen

Als Psychotherapeuten und Lehrende in der Psychotherapieausbildung haben die beiden Autoren immer wieder beobachtet, wie stark sich eine Depression auf diejenigen Menschen auswirkt, die einer depressiven Person nahestehen. Meist machen sich diese Freunde oder Angehörigen Sorgen und haben Fragen, die die Symptome oder die Behandlung der Depression betreffen. Oft genug wollen sie aber auch wissen, wie sie selbst damit umgehen und die Belastung der Beziehung bewältigen können. In diesem Buch stellen Rosen und Amador dazu Strategien vor, zeigen Handlungsoptionen und machen Mut, sich die Hilfe zu holen, die gebraucht wird – nicht nur für den depressiven Menschen, sondern auch für sich selbst.

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction, Health, Mental Health, Personal Development, Relationships

340 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 1996

Reviews

[Anika · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very good, very structured and very helpful. I can't think of any topic/issue (related to being close to a depressed person) I wanted to know more about that this book doesn't answer. Sure there's a lot more to say on the various issues, but this is a really good, comprehensive and - I want to repeat it - clearly structured book.

Now I'm hoping I can put the advice to good use, but I'm confident, thanks to this book.

[Marc Medley · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found When Someone You Love Is Depressed To Be Very Informative

I suspect my spouse is depressed and after reading this book, I am just about certain. I was able to even see how I may have contributed to the depression with the depression dance. We seem to keep getting into a cycle that really does make the depression worse. I found the tactics and strategies outlined in this book to be very helpful and would recommend it to anyone in this terrible situation. Depression impacts the entire family and is extremely difficult to navigate when the depressed person is resistant to the idea of being depressed or seeking treatment.

[Tom · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you have a depressed loved one, many times it can be hard finding books to help out, since most books are written for the person with depression and not their loved ones. I found this book very valuable for helping out in such a situation, describing symptoms and giving basic advice to let the reader know if they are on the right track by offering such basic pointers as "give unqualified support" and "keep your routine as much as possible". If you have a depressed loved one, this book is a good place to start for information.

[Patrick Doherty · Rating 5 out of 5]

First of all, this isn't a novel. I read it straight through, but I imagine it will be more helpful to navigate to and digest the relevant sections particular to your situation rather than reading it cover to cover.

Secondly, it's repetitive, and that's a good feature. In each section dealing with different aspects of depression, the authors walk you through the same basic steps. This might sound monotonous, but it's not at all. The different aspects of depression fool us into thinking that the required responses are drastically different, and seeing it laid out step by step helps cut through the confusion.

Here's one of the basic truths that I found particularly helpful. A loved one's depression hurts you too. The hurt ranges from disorienting to devastating, but you should not feel guilty seeking help for yourself. Doing so allows you to better help the person you love. A basic truth, sure, but in the middle of their mental health struggles, guilt is never far below the surface. There is a path forward.

I'm guessing that some things have changed in the 25 years since it was published, but I still found it incredibly relevant and practical. If you suspect a loved one might be struggling with depression, this is an excellent place to start.

[Yuting · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very educational. Everyone can benefit a lot from this book, no matter if there’s any depressed people around you. And you never know if someone you know, or yourself will become depressed at different levels. It’s good to learn about the general signs and the communication skills. Stories and statements in this book might sometimes be tedious and repetitive, but over time I start to appreciate the trivial details and events in the descriptions. That’s exactly what people often overlook but pretty essential for making an early stage judgement.
I hope there’s a similar book or method to help narcissists realize they need treatment or at least some changes in their behaviors. However, looking at the definition of narcissism, I don’t think it’s possible.

[Lensey · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found this book to be a bit tedious to read, however it did have some really good information in it. I like that the authors dedicated full chapters to specific loved ones--partners, parents, children, friends. I also found the chapters on Constructive Communication and Treatment options full of useful information. Keep in mind, though, that the book is 20 years old, so treatment options have changed--specifically medications. All in all, if you have a loved one whom you suspect is depressed, this is a good resource for information about the disease itself and how you can help your loved one. There's even some bits in there about taking time to help yourself as well.

[JasmineB · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book quite helpful for family and friends who may be accompanying someone who is depressed. The questionnaires to provide an indication of the severity of the problems in interpersonal relationships were practical and useful. The emphasis on identifying the root cause of the problem — depression — shifts one’s perspective from frustration to understanding. My only criticism is that there’s too much emphasis on depression as a “disease”, thus creating a high risk of pathologizing people who are experiencing depression.

[Jen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not everything in this book will be helpful to everyone, but this is a great resource for those who love someone living with depression. When I was in that position, I found a lot of info about how to help and support and understand them, but very little about how to carry on myself, and very little acknowledging the strain of that, which left me feeling even more guilty about my struggle and resentment. I wish I had this book then.

[Claudia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very insightful and helpful. For anybody who would like to learn about depression, what it is and how to heal from it. With good guidelines for how to deal with depression in a family, relationship or friendship. It shows you how you can work as a team and remain connected and hopeful while respecting both people's needs.

[Debbie Poland MacAvoy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have recommended this book to several people.

[julie rubens · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really liked this book, it was exactly what I was looking for and what I needed and I really appreciate the detail.

[Marius Krautmann · Rating 4 out of 5]

A book to turn to if you can't turn anywhere else.
Really helped me to understand what was happening inside my significant other at the time.
But it lacks guidance to put those things into practice.

[Oyceter · Rating 4 out of 5]

http://oyceter.livejournal.com/263184...

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

For those caring for one with a Depressive Disorder, I found When Someone You Love Is Depressed to offer me some fairly useful tools to better care for myself and my loved one.

[Diane · Rating 5 out of 5]

A book very beneficial to all who find them in such a heart wrenching situation. Practical help outlined and an array of resources. A sensitive insightful book well worth buying .

[Kerry & naomi]

Having experience mild depression (dysthymia) myself and gone through some therapy, one would think I could empathize with other people in my life who happen to be depressed. Unfortunately, for me at least, that is not the case. Recently, when someone in my life became depressed, I did not want to repeat the mistakes I’d made with other depressed loved ones in the past, so I went to the bookstore looking for one book and ended up buying another: When Someone You Love Is Depressed: How to Help Your Loved One without Losing Yourself by Laura Epstein Rosen and Xavier Francisco Amador. My greatest difficulties in the past tended to be feeling at a loss as to whether I should push the depressed person, leave them alone, and starting to feel depressed myself.

For this review, I will summarize certain chapters and then list my overall observations at the end.

How Does Your Loved One’s Depression Affect You - Chapter 1 - This chapter deals with identifying how the depression of a parent, spouse, child, or friend does affect the people around them and their relationships in adverse ways. Depression can be contagious. Helping a depressed person can also take a lot of energy and time, actions that might lead to resentment of the depressed person. This chapter also outlines the stages of adaptation to depression that the depressed person’s loved ones go through: 1) trouble, 2) reaction, 3) information gathering, and 4) problem solving. One of the reasons that depressed people are so difficult to deal with is that often their loved ones do not recognize the signs and symptoms of depression, become stuck in one or more of the stages of adaptation, draw incorrect conclusions, and never progress to the problem solving stage to help their loved one.

How to Recognize if Someone You Love Is Depressed - Chapter 2 - This chapter examines exactly what depression is and the different forms it takes, possible causes of depression, and a quiz for determining if a loved one is in fact depressed.

When Your Partner/Parent/Child/Friend Is Depressed - Chapters 3-6 – In these chapters, the authors examine specific ways to deal with the depression of the individual loved one and specific ways in which the depression of a friend is different from the depression of one’s child, etc. These chapters include quizzes that help the reader identify how the depression their loved one experiences has affected their relationship. Many of their techniques for dealing with the depressed loved one are the same in general, but the authors include them in each chapter because the details change. Some of these techniques for the loved one of a depressed person include: maintaining the usual routine; having realistic expectations of the depressed person and the relationship; how to be supportive; etc.

Constructive Communication - Chapter 7 - This chapter gets to the heart of the matter: how to communicate with a depressed person in a manner that is neither detrimental to them or to the non-depressed person. Some of the guidelines that the authors offer are: making time for communication; paying attention to nonverbal behavior; listening well; not patronizing the depressed person; not pushing or overwhelming the depressed person. They also include a “Do’s” and “Don’ts” list and other guidelines for communicating with someone of the opposite gender. Frankly, most of the points outlined in this chapter apply to good communication in general, but I think the authors made the right choice to reinforce good communication skills when dealing with depressed loved ones.

Is it Fair to Ask for What You Need? - Chapter 8 – This chapter addresses the guilt that loved ones feel when they take care of someone who is depressed and still want to meet their own needs. The authors believe in “healthy narcissism” in which the caregiver of a depressed person can take care of themselves first so that they are not resentful of caring for the depressed person. They also discuss striking a good balance between meeting their own needs and meeting the needs of the depressed loved one.

The remaining chapters discuss dealing with rejection of one’s help by the depressed person; what to do if the depressed person is hiding their pain in alcohol and drugs and other self-destructive behaviors; suicide and suicidal gestures; and various treatments for depression, encompassing both psychological and medicinal (the authors are both psychologists and admit that they are more in favor of psychological treatments but they do include information about various drug therapies and the kinds of depression each drug works best to ameliorate); and finding outside help for the depressed person and the non-depressed loved one.

The authors have vary responsibly included statements in the book such as: “If your loved one has made suicidal statements, put this book down immediately and seek professional care.” Also, scattered throughout the book are references to other chapters in which certain items will be covered in more detail, which I found useful when I wanted to skip around.

Overall

The authors have composed an easy-to-read book that can help the loved ones of depressed people learn how to deal with their own feelings and with the depressed person. The charts and quizzes are very handy though I would advise reading the entire book through and then using the charts later on for quick reference and analysis. I now feel adequately equipped to deal with my loved ones who experience depression. I just wish I’d gotten this book years earlier than I did. It would have saved me, and people dear to me, a lot of grief and wasted time.