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178 pages, Kindle Edition
First published May 15, 2017
It is perhaps why words were invented: to give us the power to use facts in the service of our own perspective, then to try to convince someone else—a justice, a reader, a lover—to share that point of view. To see it the way we want them to. The vast majority of a human life is spent trying to construct a convincing story. And while it can be argued that this, on occasion, involves telling the truth, it’s certainly different from giving the whole story.
This morning I called the Howlstein Corporation, asked for an extension on writing the manual for the Gleam 4-19 Automatic Dishwasher, and then invoked the thirteen days of vacation I have banked. I lied to my wife and children as well. As far as my family is concerned, I’ve rented a temporary office space because I’m overwhelmed by deadlines and am unable to concentrate at my desk in the den, that I need the focus and privacy only an office can provide. My family knows that my occupation is stressful, filled with tight turnarounds and unrealistic expectations, the sort of job where success goes unnoticed and only failure brings attention. That’s where they think I am, hard at work, toiling for the good of our nuclear family.In reality he spends his days in either the small claims court or muscling his way into weddings pretending he’s “writing an article on city hall weddings for the Globe and Mail” which he gets away with because mostly everyone’s too caught up in the proceedings to pay him any heed.
Five minutes later [after walking my kids to school], I found myself standing in front of the Christie subway entrance. I already felt like a passenger. I paid the fare, took the Bloor train east, and transferred to the Yonge line, which I rode north to the North York stop. A flight of stairs, a push through the turnstile, a short walk, and I found myself standing in front 47 Sheppard Avenue East.This makes as much sense to me as pregnant women craving pulled pork on vanilla ice cream or kosher dill pickles stuffed with grape jelly and that’s not no sense; our bodies are quite good at identifying needs and sending us signals. Something deep inside him realises this is what he needs and so that’s where he ends up. Mostly he opts for the small claims court but, as he puts it, “[w]hen I find myself sharing the elevator with a wedding party, I take it as a sign…”
A mid-life crisis isn’t provoked by an inability to move upward, or the realization that long-held goals are no longer attainable, but from questioning whether fighting to achieve them is worth it.This position is mulled upon at length and not unentertainly. As Beckett rightly observed: “Nothing is funnier than unhappiness.” But there has to be a point to unhappiness. It has to lead somewhere. Otherwise, well, it’s just sad. We might not get to see the light at the end of the tunnel but we should at least get to see the mouth of the tunnel. That’s a fair place to leave your character. And that’s what Kaufman does. Only he doesn’t talk about tunnels; his metaphor of choice is the high wire:
I guess the knowledge that I’m walking on a tiny, thin wire, that there is a lethal drop between the bottom of my feet and the ground far below me, was inevitable. In my twenties, it was pure confidence, however unearned, that propelled me forward, and I never paused long enough to look down. I just keep going forward, living life as a series of uninterrupted steps, each one bringing me closer to whatever goal I was chasing in the moment. Then, somewhere in my late thirties, I had my first glimmering realization that failure, that a lack of arrival, is possible. But it was in my forties, after my forward progress had slowed, and the firmness of my conviction in the righteousness of that goal grew soft, that for the first time I looked down.So we’re saying life is all about the journey? I’m not sure that would be the moral I’d attach to the end of this book but mastering the high wire (even a figurative high wire) is not a skill to be sniffed at. That’s all I’m saying.