Come imparare a dire di no senza sensi di colpa (eNewton Manuali e guide Vol. 154)

by Jacqui Marson

Una semplice parola può cambiare la tua vita?Molte persone, pur di essere apprezzate, affrontano la vita, le relazioni interpersonali, il mondo del lavoro convinte di doversi necessariamente adattare a ciò che vogliono gli altri.Spesso sono mosse dall’idea che, per avere successo, sia necessario essere sempre educati, gentili, attraenti, disponibili e allegri, mettendo il prossimo al primo posto. Insomma, ritengono di non poter mai dire di no, e di dover assecondare a ogni costo l’opinione comune per evitare i conflitti, anteponendo così il benessere altrui al proprio equilibrio interiore. La psicologa Jacqui Marson, nel corso della sua pluriennale carriera, ha studiato a fondo quella che lei stessa ha chiamato “la Maledizione dell’altruista”, e in questo libro ci spiega quanto è facile – grazie a pochi e semplici accorgimenti – riuscire a disinnescare il meccanismo che ci porta a compiacere costantemente l’altro e a trascurare le nostre aspettative, per cominciare ad abbracciare invece uno stile di vita più sereno e soddisfacente.«Un libro intelligente.»Telegraph«La Marson offre, con un approccio calmo e rassicurante, consigli che vale la pena di applicare, per risolvere facilmente anche le situazioni più complicate.»Marie Claire«Uno sguardo leggero sul modo migliore per assecondare le proprie aspirazioni, imparando a dire di no e a spezzare il giogo delle aspettative altrui.»Stylist«Illuminante, coraggioso e divertente.»dott. F. Jay McClellan, psicologo«Una preziosa guida per un vantaggioso cambiamento.»Val Sampson, consulente coniugale, autrice di The Art of Mind-Blowing SexJacqui Marsonè una stimata psicologa. Ha lavorato in diverse cliniche e ospedali di Londra. Attualmente gestisce con successo uno studio privato a Covent Garden. Dirige laboratori e corsi di formazione in comunicazione, autostima e team-building per privati e aziende in tutto il mondo. È anche una giornalista molto richiesta dai media come commentatrice su tematiche di carattere psichiatrico. È ospite fissa della BBC e di seguiti programmi radiofonici e televisivi. Scrive per le riviste «The psychologist» e «The counselling psychology review» e cura una rubrica mensile, dal titolo Fast Therapy, sul periodico «Psychologies». È membro della British Psychological Society e del Health Professions Council. Le sue credenziali professionali comprendono una laurea in Psicologia e un master in Psicoanalisi e Psicoterapia. Vive a Londra con il marito e due figli.

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction, Ebooks

246 pages, Kindle Edition

First published March 1, 2013

Reviews

[Trish · Rating 4 out of 5]

A book I needed to read. There are clear tactics to use, exercises to do and strategies to adopt all in order to behave in a way that looks after yourself as much as you look after other people.
I liked that the book is full of personal stories , and it's easy to read.
I found the 'dare to let down' section challenging. I gave it a go but have wimped out.
The book has got me thinking and I'll try to continue using some of the ideas.

[Jackie Felix · Rating 5 out of 5]

Me encantó este libro aunque puede ser mi trampa de amabilidad hablando! 😂 esta autora es muy amena y explica de manera sencilla cómo podemos salir de la trampa de poner las necesidades de los demás antes de las propias. Me ha servido mucho, especialmente en estos momentos que atravieso por una decisión difícil en mi vida, en la que requiero poner mis necesidades primero y encarar la ira de los demás como resultado. Recomendado!

[Goska Majewska · Rating 3 out of 5]

Średnio lubię takie poradniki. Parę rzeczy było ciekawych, ale szału niema.

[Sylwia]

Książka jest w pewien sposób pomocna dla kogoś, kto ma absulotny brak barier i daje sobą sterować na prawo i lewo. Może też być ok dla kogoś, kto nie potrafi wyrażać się w pełni jasno i zwięźle. Bo tak naprawdę wszyscy wiemy o co chodzi. Bardzo przeszkadzało mi to, że autorka sama ma problem z asertywnością, była albo nadal jest dość uległa - przynajmniej tak ją zrozumiałam. Więc zastanawiam się, jak może uczyć asertywności innych ludzi. Nie wiem, mozliwe, że się czepiam.

[Lindsey Preston · Rating 3 out of 5]

A book that my younger self may have benefitted from more than me now..

[Sarah · Rating 2 out of 5]

Each time I buy one of these self help books, I regret it as soon as I start reading, maybe I need a book telling me how to stop buying these books? I dislike them because they state the obvious while also being unrealistic, and they use vomitus terms and language. This book was certainly nauseating in great chunks, especially the chapter about comforting your " inner child", much of it was also simple paraphrasing of mindfulness and CBT techniques but the author does credit them. I also did not like the irritating constant referral to case studies, which didn't work as an illustrative device as the author hoped ,and some of the behavioural techniques recommend at the end of the book are laughable. There were some aspects however which were good, gasp, helpful even, the idea of smile rationing , tuning into your body, identifying the critical voice and the whole chapter " Polish Your Tools" I managed to take something from. I also liked the chapter summaries.
The thing I enjoyed the most though was that I finished the book certain that I'm not " lovely" and haven't been for some years, I can easily resist the demands of others compared to the unfortunates in this book.

[YHC · Rating 4 out of 5]

勿忘多愛自己

第一章：期望的牢笼
我们通常都会觉得自己被淹没在别人的期望中，而且完全不知道该如何以其他方式生活。事实上，就连想到改变，比如拒绝某个请求，都会觉得害怕。

第二章：一切从“可爱的孩子开始”
关于我们是什么样的人以及该怎样为人处世，很多深深根植于脑海里的观念源自我们的童年，而且通常可追溯到理性思维能力形成之前。所以，我们才会一直倾向于相信那些错误的、早就不合时宜的观念。

第三章：各种“可爱”之人
没有人能做到方方面面都保持沉着冷静地与人沟通，我们可能都有一小块儿被“可爱的诅咒”施了魔法的脆弱区域。

第四章：身体的感受与情绪的觉察
如果你能够开始识别一种身体的感觉，那么你就能将其确定为一种情绪。反过来，这会帮助你发现这种情绪意味着什么，以及它们与你的思想和行为有着怎样的联系。

第五章：内心深处的暴徒
对于我们来说，脑海里挥之不去的批判性思维就相当于电影中的反派人物。当我们想要质疑某个传统的规则和观念时，这些武装的暴徒就会拿出他们的枪炮威胁我们，直到我们退回原地。

第六章：你也有好好爱自己的权利
通常，“可爱的人”总是把时间、精力、金钱和爱奉献给其他人，唯独不给自己留一点点。

第七章：清晰表达的艺术
对于大多数“可爱的人”来说，表达自己真实的需求是一件尤为困难的事。在这一章中，我们提供一系列方法，帮你以更清晰、更自信的方式传递原本觉得难以表述的信息（如拒绝、抱怨及划清界限等）。

第八章：挑战你的恐惧系数
我们会陷入害怕恐惧的圈套，而走出圈套的唯一方法就是弄清楚这些预设（通常是孩提时代确立的观点），然后把它们放到行为实验中，以最安全的方式开始实验。

第九章：高级行为实验：敢于让人失望
如果你过度强求自己去帮助别人，最终也有可能会辜负他们。不如适当地做出拒绝。如果有人觉得失望，那是他们要处理的情绪，不是你的责任。你无需对别人的情绪负责。

第十章：BEAR四步法：呼吸—赞扬—接受—尊重
这一技巧的原理是，驾驭呼吸的力量，让它帮助你平息突如其来的恐惧感，并进一步，指导你缓和令你恐惧的人的情绪，使他们产生安全感，而你自己也不会再感到他们的攻击性。

第十一章：“可爱”的赐福
慢慢地，你将不再觉得自己受到了诅咒，而是发现自己其实是被赐予了做个“可爱的人”的技能和品质，而被“可爱”对待的人不只包括其他人，更包括你自己。

[Mantra · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good read about people pleasing and how follow what you want instead of doing things out of guilt to be liked and loved. Short, simple strategies but in my opinion practical and not overthought. It's personal but not like a typical assertiveness book - not many scenarios to follow or sentences to put into your mouth. It's more a reflective book on what do you want from yourself and your relationships. How to be more true and feel less guilty about saying no. But also - there are a few behavioral strategies to implement (well afirmations are not my thing). Overall I liked what I found in this book for myself and the strategies (not all) but I believe it's a really good start for people pleasers and people who can see they are TOO POLITE TO OTHERS.

[Shane · Rating 4 out of 5]

Reading this made me realise how much I have stopped being lovely, but still have some way to go. I'm fine saying no at work but not to friends and family.

The BEAR technique is something I'd like to practice:

Breathe - manage the tension you feel before reacting.
Eulogise - say something to compliment the other person, genuinely.
Accept - listen with full attention without physical reaction (sighing, raising eyebrows) or interrupting.
Respect - put thoughts into a statement to express feelings starting with a respectful "I" statement.

[Filipa Veiga · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really an amazing. One of the best books I've read so far, especially if you're struggling with being more assertive and trying to get a hold of your own life like I am. Probably going to start searching more books from this author. I usually don't like self-help books but this wasn't one of those self-pity books. It was actually really helpful and it teaches very simple techniques that I would've never found out by myself.

[Andria Qëndro · Rating 2 out of 5]

Mamma mia che agonia terminare questo libro! Ci ho messo quasi due mesi per 230 pagine....
L’idea in sé è anche carina, il concetto generale, una volta appreso, è facilmente applicabile nella vita quotidiana e risulta essere davvero utile per coloro che sono affetti dalla “malattia dell’altruista”, ma la scrittura... lascia proprio a desiderare. Non saprei definirlo in un altro modo se non “libro da boomer”. Male, l’idea ci stava, ma è stata proprio sviluppata male. Peccato.

[Deb · Rating 5 out of 5]

Este livro trata maravilhosamente de um tema que tenho trabalhado bastante na minha vida pessoal. É um ótimo manual de sobrevivência para quem está precisando quebrar a "maldição" de ser excessivamente bonzinho, aprender a estabelecer limites saudáveis e ser autêntico.

[Victor Valente · Rating 4 out of 5]

Já comecei a ler esse livro achando que ia ser "mais do mesmo". E realmente foi...
Mas o momento da minha vida realmente requeria que eu relembrasse de coisas que já tinha lido mil vezes, para poder tomar decisões diferentes.
O livro me ajudou muito com decisões e conversas difíceis.

[Paweł Rek · Rating 3 out of 5]

Dowiedziałam się trochę nowych rzeczy ale to chyba nie to czego szukałem

[Domi Gadzia · Rating 1 out of 5]

Jedna z gorszych jakie przeczytałam.

[Iza Bela · Rating 4 out of 5]

Zapomniałam o tej książce xd

[Tina · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 star

[Dominique · Rating 4 out of 5]

Being Autistic I often find other peoples behaviour baffling, so I read a lot of self help, mindfulness, relationship advice and improving communication books in an attempted to understand why people do/say what they do/say in situations. My experience with Self Help books is that they tend to be filled with euphemisms, Pollyanna advice (always be happy) or written like my Psychology textbooks (full of jargon and boring as bat shit). So I was pleasantly surprised to find this book was easy to read, did not shove the Pollyanna advice down your throat and actually contained useful information that was relevant to at least some behaviours I dislike in myself. My grandmother who lived with us all my life and was a major influence in sculpting our behaviour had the view point that we would be "perfect young ladies" no matter what. A perfect young lady is always nice, smiles, does not complain, makes everyone feel comfortable with her calm demeanour and easy social chit chat ect. As a consequence I find it hard to say NO and feel excessive guilt if I assert my right to say NO. This book is 100% designed to help deprogram a lifetime of being a "perfect young lady" & teaching you it's ok to say no and not to be "perfect" all the time.

[Majeczka :D · Rating 4 out of 5]

Z większością problemów, które były w tej książce poruszone nie utożsamiam się, ale wydaje się być naprawdę pomocna. Przedstawione zostało wiele sprytnych i łatwych do wprowadzenia w życie rozwiązań. Udało mi się coś z niej wynieść i to uważam za najważniejsze. Za minus można uznać powtórzenia. Miejscami miałam wrażenie, że czytam w kółko to samo. Dla zapominalskich są odnośniki do stron, w których opisane są rzeczy przywoływane w danym momencie.

[Julia H. · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book worked like a therapy for me and brought to my life significant changes! I worked with my fears concerning hard tasks and assertiveness at work, talking with my family and communitating my point of view, diffrent from theirs... Slow paced reading and applying hints in real life really helped me to be less stressed, more confident and happier. At first, I thought that this book my contain one or two good examples of behavior I could use. It turned out that every chapter is valuable.

Of course, the book is not for everyone. It is for people who lack assertiveness and are over-empathetic (like me ;) ).

[Marrtthy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really interesting book not only for people who can't saying "no". It is not a Bible and just read it isn't sufficient. But there are some great tips for people who need it and also for the others. It was good experience to read it for me although I confidently believe I am ready to say "no" in any occasions in my life.

Highly recommend it.

[Jo Miles · Rating 4 out of 5]

As self-help books go, I really enjoyed this one. Even if not guilty of the extremes of non-assertiveness in it, there is a little bit of most of us to be found here. It is interesting to recognise yourself in the stories, and if you learn nothing more, you at least become that bit more self-aware.

[Claire · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great book, one I really needed to read. It came along at the perfect time. I'm now going to go back and work through all the exercises; but I had some big AHAs just by reading it through. It's accessible and easy to relate to.

[Evm · Rating 3 out of 5]

A really helpful book with lots of relatable stories.

[Kasia · Rating 3 out of 5]

Fatalne tłumaczenie odebrało mi przyjemność czytania.

[Katarzyna · Rating 3 out of 5]

Nawet jeśli żywicie niechęć do pop-poradników psychologicznych, ten akurat warto, bo porusza ważny temat.

[Anna · Rating 2 out of 5]

Book about how to say no, but written in very American way.