I Am Ace: Advice on Living Your Best Asexual Life

by Cody Daigle-Orians

How do I know if I'm actually sexual?
How do I come out as asexual?
What kinds of relationship can I have as an ace person?
If you are looking for answers to these questions, Cody is here to help. Within these pages lie all the advice you need as a questioning ace teen.
Tackling everything from what asexuality is, the asexual spectrum and tips on coming out, to intimacy, relationships, acephobia and finding joy, this guide will help you better understand your asexual identity alongside deeply relatable anecdotes drawn from Cody's personal experience.
Whether you are ace, demi, gray-ace or not sure yet, this book will give you the courage and confidence to embrace your authentic self and live your best ace life.

Genres: Nonfiction, LGBT, Queer, Sexuality, Asexual, Self Help, Adult

190 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 21, 2023

Reviews

[Shawna Finnigan · Rating 4 out of 5]

TW// aphobia, outing, brief mentions of rape, mentions of homophobia

This book was an informative nonfiction read that teaches about asexuality. It works as a great guide for anyone who is still discovering their asexuality and it’s perfect for helping allosexual people learn more about what ace people experience. I’m even considering buying a physical copy of this book so that some people in my life can learn more about asexuality so that they can understand me better.

I found Cody’s experiences with realizing that he’s asexual to be very relatable. I found out that I was asexual when I was 18, but that confusion about sex that Cody describes was similair to what I experienced growing up. It felt really nice to see an experience like mine being puts into words.

Cody’s words of support and encouragement throughout this book were like a warm hug that my body has been craving for years. They made me feel like my sexuality is valid and important. I’m also still struggling to label my romantic attraction and gender, so there were a lot of passages in this book that made me feel like it’s okay for me to take my time figuring things out and it’s okay for me to use one label then switch to another label later on in my life. It was such a wonderful feeling.

This book does drag on and become repetitive at some points in the last half of the book, but I still think that this book is great for every asexual person who is still learning about who they are and for every allo person who wants to become a better ally.

Thank you to NetGalley and the pubisher for allowing me to read and review an eArc of this book.

[Marieke (mariekes_mesmerizing_books) · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read I am Ace in less than 24 hours, and it’s one of the most easily readable non-fiction books I’ve ever read.

I’ve been thinking about being ace (demi/grey) for a while, and this book made me feel seen. Most of it I already knew, but the examples and the definitions were so recognizable that goosebumps danced on my skin once in a while. It’s the recognition that asexuality is far more than the first sentence on Wikipedia: ‘Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to others, or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity’ why I felt seen throughout the book.

I think this book is not only important for people searching for their (asexual) identity but even more important for people who know someone who’s asexual or have a relationship with someone who’s somewhere on the asexual spectrum.

Thanks, Cody, for writing this book and explaining so clearly how I feel!

I received an ARC from Jessica Kingsley Publishers and NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

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[alyssa · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5* (rounding up to take into account the billion plus stars to the author for putting the spotlight on asexuality in such a kind and empowering manner)

gosh, it feels so wonderful to be seen without drowning in the need to justify myself at every corner. there's no feeling broken, incomplete, less human for feeling the way i do. just an informative sit-down chat with a good, highly empathetic friend. dear book, validation is thy name.

i am what you might call a baby demisexual who took up the label one morning, stapled it to her hat, and went about her day without thinking twice about it, and i love that this book validates my seemingly blasé approach. labels are not the enemy, some measure of your validity to pit yourself against. labels are not about exclusion or othering, about ticking all the boxes to be "enough." labels are meant to be fluid, as ever-changing as we are as people, and as such, it is perfectly natural to reassess how we see ourselves as we learn and evolve with each new experience. labels are tools of self-discovery containing the immense power that comes with putting feelings into words. that's it.

this book includes the best acknowledgement and breakdown of the stress and microaggressions acespec individuals face on the daily that i have read to date. be it pressure from media or casual, offhand remarks we hear on the daily - funnily enough, i somehow seem to receive the most unnecessary reassurance when i'm in the presence of medical professionals - he helped me deconstruct years and years of frustration (and to be honest, embarrassment) in a therapeutic manner. i also learned so many words for things i never thought to distinguish in my head, such as the various kinds of attraction (sexual, romantic, aesthetic, emotional, sensual, intellectual, alterous, oh my!), the reminder that they work independently, how to establish boundaries, and so much more.

there is a chapter that directly addresses coming out that i see brought up frequently in other reviews. my personal take is that the author, being a very public figure on social media creating acespec-centered content, is understandably a strong advocate of coming out, of living your truth to not only empower yourself, but others in your vicinity who may be questioning, scared, unsure. for some who have accepted a label but have not publicly shared this intimate part of themselves with the world, it has the potential to feel like a noose. therefore, it makes sense for him to layer on so much effusive positivity on the act of coming out, because he wants us to feel the same liberation as he has and create a world where we are just as visible and accepted as an allosexual. his interpretation is the best case scenario, spoken from a place of self-acceptance. the bias is there and he doesn't pretend otherwise.

but of course, this also has the potential for his intentions to be misconstrued as a way of belittling those who are still in the closet, which is why i believe he started off the section acknowledging individuals who are on the fence, who don't think it's the right time for them, or who may choose to never come out. he offers his support no matter what path they choose, so long as they are the one making that decision. he reiterates time and time again that coming out is something we must do for ourselves.

We are not obligated to share certain truths of our identities in order to be considered legitimate. Our truth doesn't become a lie simply because we keep it to ourselves.

i think with any resource, you can make the argument that it could go more into depth, such as how being acespec might intersect with our ethnicity, gender identity, etc., but this is a wonderful introduction that leaves you feeling in safe hands.

Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for providing a copy of the book - this is my honest review :)

[Mary ♥ · Rating 5 out of 5]

5/5 stars

I wish you well! I hope we cross paths one day. I love meeting my people. But if we don't, if you and I never find ourselves close enough to shake hands and say hello, I want you to know that I'm rooting for you. I believe in who you are and what you can bring to the world. Our community is better for having you in it. So live your life, and know that, even when you feel completely alone, there is always at least one person on your team. Thank you for reading this book. I am glad you're here.

TWs: Aphobia, microaggressions, homophobia, mention of corrective rape and conversion therapy

I was a follower and subscriber of Ace Dad Advice for a long time on Instagram and youtube, so when I saw that he is about to publish his own book, I was over the moon with excitement. When I learned that ARCs are being handed in NetGalley, I was practically ready to burst. The acceptance email got me ready to cry, and the book itself...the book itself was a treasure.

There are many times in my life that I have searched for comfort, I have sought mental blankets of protection around me and have chosen and fought to be comfortable and proud of myself as an ace person. This book was exactly that for me. It reminded me of so many things I tend to forget, so many ways in which our community is beautiful, so many wonderful reasons to be unapologetic and loud and incredibly outspoken. It is divided into many categories and is much simpler than Ace, the other non-fiction I have read about asexuality because it is meant to address baby aces and/or allos who want to be educated. All of them contain an amount of information on the community, mixed with words of affirmation, the author's autobiographical experiences and a ton of positivity, awareness and conversation.

I learned so much from this book, even though I am not a baby ace. The author is sex-favourable (aspec who is interested in partaking in sexual activities), and I am sex-repulsed (aspec who experiences negative emotions regarding their involvement in sex), so this crossing of experiences, both different and similar in ways, gave me such a beautiful perspective in the diversity of the community. It brought back so much pride mixed with so much fear and unfairness, it made me cry multiple times but ultimately it made me stare at the ceiling and think "This is it. We are doing it. We are out here, in the world, and we are doing it. Our voices are heard. We will not let our rights be debated. We are making history."

Read this book, no matter who you are. If you are an allo person, read it to learn how we experience intimacy, how you can negotiate it with us, how we feel, what we face and how much we have achieved. If you are ace, read it because this belongs to us. It is a breath of fresh air, a push towards action, a wonder. No matter who you are, please take some time to appreciate this. Thank you. And thank you ace dad once more for reminding me of what we're fighting for.

~Mary ♥

[Anna (RattleTheShelves)]

Oof, I'm on the fence here. It's almost, almost the best ace non fiction I've read (and I've read a lot of them). The writing is accessible and personal, the book pretty much a perfect length to cover all important topics. It's readable no matter if you're aspec, allo or questioning.

My fave was probably the chapter about navigating relationships and especially about setting up boundaries and informing your partner(s) about what you're comfortable with in terms of physical intimacy. There are so many amazing tips in the book. I also loved the chapter about being ace and queer the most, and especially the quote "queer feels like an identity with a bit of troublemaking."

Before I go into the issues, I'd like to stress that these are all easily fixable and I really hope they get corrected before final print. But as it stands, I was close to dnf-ing this book at the Coming Out chapter.

My main issue is the coming out chapter. While Cody stresses his privilege across the book, it's never more clearly shown than in this chapter, which stresses how important it is to be out because otherwise you aren't true to yourself and can't possibly be happy. There are some reassurances about safety first but they seem more as an afterthought. No one else than a white cis man living in the so-called West would have ever written something like that. And as I've read it during a Holiday break in Eastern Europe, in one of the most queerphobic countries in Europe, in a home of a family that I'm not out to and don't plan on being out to, that cut deep.

So let me stress it once and for all: safety first. Don't ever feel pressured to come out, there are so many things to consider before doing it. Even now that I live across a sea from my family and I'm financially independent, I wouldn't risk coming out. Even if my family would probably accept it, it's my personal truth and I chose not to share it and I don't think our relationship is any lesser because of it or as if it's a lie.

Even in the few countries that offer great queer protection laws, asexuality is hardly ever included in them, which is another vital thing to consider and should be included in this chapter.

So the coming out chapter definitely needs some restructuring/editing but that's the only major issue that I had.

From a few smaller hook-ups: there was a lot of exchanging between words "sex" and "intimacy" that should be clarified more. Similarly, "emotional intimacy" is used interchangeably with "romance" and as a romance-averse aro that's a huge no no from me - these are not the same. Also at some points "holding hands and cuddling" is called "sex life" which, if that's how you define it in your relationship, it's of course fine, you do you, but personally seeing it labelled as that makes me panicky - I'd love some cuddling and hand holding but would prefer it wasn't labelled as sex.

And lastly, my usual annoyance that the list of references is as usual limited to US/UK based educators with one other name thrown in for diversity. Aspec community is so diverse and so many creators all over the world create content also in English, so that's it's accessible to a wider audience. It would be nice is the book went beyond acknowledging that "we need to consider diverse voices/needs in the community and showed it in the resources.

This now seems like an overwhelmingly negative review so I'd like to stress again that it's not. As it is, I'd suggest it more to the allo audience, solely because I think the coming out chapter can be harmful to more impressionable readers without some editing. But otherwise it's great. Really! 😂

***Thank you NetGalley for the eARC***

[Corinne · Rating 4 out of 5]

While I don't identify as ace, I learn so much about identity and more from Cody Daigle-Orians' @AceDadAdvice on IG so I could not pass up an opportunity to review an ARC of his first book! (Go follow him if you don't already.) Note: Cody uses he/they pronouns and I have used both in this review.

I'm so glad I did read this book because, while I was obviously interested to learn more about asexuality, I was also able to take away a lot personally as an allosexual person:

All of the complexity we've discussed in this book about asexuality and how asexual people are experiencing sex and attraction is happening for allosexual folks as well. They experience different kinds of attraction. They have they can have attractions that work independently of each other. They can have varying relationships to the physical act of sex. They can experience change in variation in that experience over the course of their lives.

Cody writes this book directly to people examining their potential asexuality. They use very accessible language, with Cody often using helpful analogies and personal examples to illustrate ideas and concepts (and those are the most compelling parts of the book.) Never a gatekeeper, he uses his trademark kindness, compassion and flexibility to guide people in their journey.

The foundational information Cody shares in the beginning about understanding how and why labels are about describing experience is helpful for anyone examining their identity - not just ace folks. They are careful, thoughtful and inclusive, reminding us often that human sexuality is complicated. I love the way Cody talks about labels and microlabels and about how labels work for us, we don't work for labels and how what matters is focusing on what you experience and what you feel.

The way they describe understanding and sharing your asexuality also resonated with my own experiences with my identity. I often found myself nodding along and feeling very empowered, especially in the part about coming out. I think there are powerful parallels in the experience of asexual folks coming out and other people who may be straight passing because of their circumstances. Although, it was in this section that I had a couple of things to quibble with - mainly that it takes so long to talk about the idea that you don't just come out once but that it's a life-long process and also I think there is room to frame the idea of parental expectations in a less absolute light.

That said, Cody is always so affirming, for example the idea that identity is a feature not a bug. And they offer the reminder that passing as hetero doesn't take away from one's queerness (while recognizing the privilege that comes with passing).

This book made me reflect on how heartbreaking it can be to think of how almost non existent visible ace rep there is and young and questioning ace folks are lucky to have Cody out here giving his Ace Dad Advice with so much patience and compassion.

I received a digital Advanced Review Copy from Net Galley in exchange for an honest review.

[Anniek · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is probably the quickest I've ever gotten through a non-fiction book, which is 100% meant as a compliment. The book is extremely accessible, with a clear, pleasant writing style, that's concise and to the point. I have personally been out as aroace for a few years now, so I didn't really read any new to me information, but I think this is a really good introduction to asexuality, especially if you're questioning, and a great starting point before you read more in-depth works, like Ace by Angela Chen.

[kory. · Rating 1 out of 5]

i read some ace nonfiction recently that i really enjoyed, and i follow this author on instagram, so i was so ready to adore this book. but. well. you can see the rating.

content/trigger warnings; discussions of queerphobia, acephobia, arophobia, allonormativity, amatonormativity, heteronormativity, compulsory sexuality, coming out, outing, queerphobic violence (physical, emotional, and sexual), microaggressions,

before getting into my main issues and then my other notes, i’m gonna start with things i liked but wish had been further explored.

i like the section about how labels exist to help you, to put words to your feelings and find/build community, to serve you, and aren’t there to restrict or police or judge you, but i wish it had been mentioned that they don’t exist to educate the masses either. because so many times i’ve seen queer people who are gatekeepers/don’t support certain labels say that the language we use for ourselves as queer people has to be easy and universal in order to aid in nonqueer people’s understanding/acceptance of us. but that’s bullshit. i label myself for me. i speak about being pansexual for me and other pansexual people. me, my identity, and the language i use for it do not exist to educate nonqueer people or help them not being queerphobic. queer folks do not have to neatly package our identities into something easily digestible or unoffensive for nonqueers.

i like that labels are described as being terms we use to describe our experiences in the moment, rather than being things we have to commit to for the rest of our lives, but i wish this had been stressed about attraction in general. sexual orientation is said to be innate (and then briefly acknowledged as not actually being conceptualized that way by everyone), but attraction isn’t really acknowledged as being fluid. our attraction is what it is when it is it. not everyone will experience a change in who they’re attracted to or how, but the possibility is there. and i think some queer people are reluctant to accept that because they think anything less than “born this way” will fuel the fire of queerphobes thinking they can change or convert us. but our reality doesn’t need to be hidden away or denied in case queerphobes use it against us. because they will use anything and everything against us anyways. it’s a futile mission to try to police ourselves to prevent queerphobia.

and that’s it lmao. now onto my main issues.

the author picks one experience and presents it as if it’s the only (or most important) one, as if exploring different or contradicting experiences will muddy the waters the author is desperate to keep clear. for example, the section on “navigating intimacy in relationships” is only about romantic and sexual relationships between asexual and allosexual people. i get that those relationships are common, but what about asexual folks who want advice on navigating non-romantic and non-sexual intimacy with other aspec folks? why is that not important enough to explore? another example is when the author firmly states and details how sexual orientation is an “innate feeling that’s always been there” or your “factory settings” then quietly acknowledges that not everyone shares this conceptualization before quickly moving on. why aren’t other conceptualizations of orientation and sexuality explored? yet another example is saying asexuality isn’t about behavior or not wanting/having/liking sex, then spend the majority of the book speaking about asexual people as if they all don’t want/have/like sex. like, you know there are many different experiences and understandings, but you only deem one worthy of genuine consideration?

there’s a lot of questionable and outright problematic things said regarding coming out. the author says multiple times that not coming out means you’re “living an illusion” and “agreeing to let the world know and love a version of yourself that’s constructed, made up.” but we are more than our sexuality. you don’t have to know my sexuality to know me. coming out isn’t even important to all queer people, myself included. it’s not something i feel the need to announce to people in my life, and it doesn’t negatively affect my relationships with anyone, nor does it mean who they’re having a relationship with isn’t real or true. and instead of putting the onus on queer people to come out so as to avoid the world “seeing them as something they aren’t,” let’s put it onto the world to not just assume everyone is allocishet until stated otherwise. i just hate the narrative that the only way to “live your truth” as a queer person is to announce your queerness to everyone in your life or to the public. then the author says that when we come out to our parents as queer, we “change their understanding of the person they’ve known and loved for years” and we’re “asking them to meet someone totally new, someone they were not expecting” which can be “hard” so we should “extend compassion for what we’re asking them to give up” and i’m sorry. no. we as a society need to stop normalizing parents projecting entire lives onto their children, as if they aren’t their own people, to the point where who they date, if they date at all, or their own gender, is something that crushes the parents hopes and dreams and needs time to accept. our gender and sexuality are not our parents’ to lose. and again we have this false narrative that you have to get to know someone from scratch once you learn they’re queer.

the author seems to think the only language that can exist is the language that already exists. it’s said that it would “be great if the language we use for attraction didn’t rely heavily on gender, but we have the language we have, so we do our best with it” but you can literally just create new language, as queer people throughout history have always done, as that’s literally how language works and how it becomes utilized. if you want better/different language, create it, because otherwise it will never exist. like, you don’t want to use/create different language because it isn’t known/common, but in doing so, you’re ensuring that it remains unknown/uncommon. another example is when the author says “if you can’t find the words that speak precisely to your experiences, find the words that get close to it” and sure, some people choose to do that, but to present that as the only option is wrong. it’s also okay to not use labels at all if you can’t find one that feels right. you don’t need labels, so there is no need to settle for a label that doesn’t even feel right. it’s also okay to just create your own labels. that’s why all labels, especially the aspec labels this author is speaking about, exist; someone felt existing terminology didn’t capture everything they want, so they created a term that does. this is how language works. telling queer people to settle for language that either doesn’t truly feel right or isn’t your ideal way of communicating sexuality is incredibly backwards, especially without even mentioning other options, and not something i’d expect from this author.

i have a handful of general writing issues. there are assumptions about who the reader is and what they’re experiencing, like “if you’re reading this, you’re asexual or questioning if you’re asexual.” and it’s one thing to write the book for asexuals, but that doesn’t mean you have to assume everyone who reads it is asexual. it’s a very cut and dry 101 “these are the facts” approach, even though the author adds little footnote like addendums at the end of sections acknowledging “this isn’t the case for everyone.” for someone whose social media project is called “ace dad advice,” the writing lacks personality and that warm/comforting sense of a parental figure doling out advice. there’s a lot of repetition, sometimes things being explained once then again a few paragraphs or pages later. there’s a fine line between explaining something further to make it easier to understand and explaining something further to the point of convolution, and i think this book falls into the latter category.

other notes:

i think it’s a stretch to say omnisexuality is one of the “five broadest and most commonly known orientations” (other four being heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality, pansexuality). even pansexuality is a bit of a stretch. it’s more accurate to say heterosexuality, homosexuality, and bisexuality are the three most broad/commonly known orientations. and everything else is basically invisible.

the author says there’s very little asexual representation (and acknowledgement of the representation that does exist) compared to allosexual representation, and i think it could’ve done with a caveat of how there’s only an abundance of allosexual representation/acknowledgment for certain kinds of allosexuality. that is, heterosexuality. as a pansexual, who struggles to find tv/film representation, it’s kind of...not great to be lumped into the category of overrepresented and hyper-visible simply on the basis of being allosexual. there are always nuances to these things, which simplified books like this never allow for.

there’s a chapter that defines/explains/explores heteronormativity, allonormativity, chrononormativity, compulsory sexuality, and intersectionality but only mentions the person who coined one of them (intersectionality), which i find odd.

“the invisible orientation” is described as “one of the best books on asexuality out there” which. um. as i explain in my review, the author panders to aphobic rhetoric to avoid upsetting allosexuals, basically saying that queer people can be aphobic all they want, even if their reasoning is rooted in queerphobic falsehoods, gatekeeping, and exclusionism, and asexuals need to just sit and take it because they aren’t as oppressed as them and aren’t even inherently queer. in what world is that “the best”?

i hate when people stress that non-monogamy, polyamory, and open relationships require communication, consent, and honesty, because so does monogamy. and considering monogamy is the relationship structure that most people just assume is an unspoken agreement, you’d think monogamy would be the one that people talked endlessly about needing those things.

i’ve never cared for the term microlabel, and not just because of how people sneer at it. but the idea that “microlabels don’t typically stand on their own, and using a microlabel implies that an umbrella term also applies” rubs me the wrong way. people consider pansexual a microlabel of bisexual, which then fuels the belief that pansexual doesn’t “stand on its own” or that “all pansexuals are bisexual” when this is simply not the case, and not an adequate way of viewing queer labels and self-identification.

“queerplatonic relationships evolved as an idea in the aromantic and asexual communities” idk if the author means the term “queerplatonic relationship” originated in aspec communities, or if he’s saying aspec communities created the concept of relationships that blur the line between romantic and platonic. if it’s the latter (which it sounds like to me), that’s not true. boston marriages were basically that (yes, some interpret them as romantic relationships, others romantic friendships, either is a valid interpretation), and friendships that blur those lines have always existed. in other words, it’s a “new word for an old custom.”

i definitely expected better from a self-described educator than to perpetuate the “queer meaning unusual - queer as a slur - queer reclaimed” timeline that completely erases the queer men in the early 1900s who self-identified as queer before it ever became a slur against the community. queer was used by the community before the reclamation in the ’80s-’90s. and how can you acknowledge that we “took it back” if you’re not acknowledging that it was ours first? the author also brings out the common “older folks might not be comfy with queer because they were there when it was used against us” talking point that you often see amongst people who don’t support the use of queer within the community at all. but let me ask you, what age are the folks who reclaimed queer in the ’80s and ’90s are today? to generalize all older folks in the community as not being comfortable with the word queer is to erase history and elders.

to end, let me ask: when are we gonna get some aromantic nonfiction?

[tracie reads · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is for people of all ages who are ace, questioning, allies, parents, and all people who could use some advice on how to navigate a world filled with societal norms. I Am Ace contains clear definitions and information that is detailed without being dense. Sprinkled throughout are delightful, helpful tidbits from the author’s own life as a queer, ace human.

One of my favorite things is how the author talks about the purpose of labels and micro labels. If you follow Cody on social media, you've probably heard him say, "Labels are tools, not tests." By clearly defining labels and micro labels, he helps ace and questioning folks understand themselves better, have language to talk about their experiences, and release the pressure of getting it "right" or thinking a label is irrevocable.

This book may be geared towards a person who is questioning or new to their asexuality, but it would be so helpful for many kinds of readers. Another one of my favorite sections was where Cody talked about negotiating consent with partners. Imagine a world where we all had open, honest, (probably uncomfortable), conversations with partners about boundaries around intimacy. Imagine we had those conversations regularly, because boundaries and desires change, often moment to moment. His ideas and tools for how to have these ongoing discussions are brilliant and immediately useful for anyone in a relationship. (And not just sexual or romantic relationships.)

The best thing about this book is that it affirms that asexuality is just another human experience. Being ace doesn't mean you're broken. It doesn't mean your boundaries are less important than a partner's. It doesn't mean you're a liability. It doesn't mean that you are less than anyone else. Ace people are whole, awesome, fully formed humans. Everything about this book uplifts that idea. The author gives practical, actionable advice and enriches the information with stories from his own experience. Cody is a cheerleader, an educator, and an example of one ace person living their best life.

I Am Ace is informative, affirming, empowering, and, above all, JOYFUL! I felt warmly educated, uplifted, and validated. I hope every person who reads it feels seen and cared for, like I did. Thank you, Cody.

I received an e-arc from NetGalley in exchange for my honest, unbiased review. I will definitely buy a copy of this book when it comes out!

[Anya Smith · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5* (rounded up)

[Margherita · Rating 5 out of 5]

I received an ARC and I’m leaving an honest review.

This book felt lime a conversation with a friend. It had a lot of facts and comforting notions that I personally definitely needed to read, and I really liked the inclusion of the explanations of the kind of relationship one can have.

Some chapters, like the one about coming out, can be interpreted very generally and not just about the asexual experience, and while these specific chapters weren't useful to me personally because I’m already out, they can definitely be of help to any possible reader who is still in the closet, whatever their sexuality or gender identity is.

And one last things, that is not related to the advice in the book: Seeing older queer people, out in the world and being happy, is actually so healing for my soul. Every time Cody mentioned his polycule I teared up.

Some parts that hit me in the feels:

“Change doesn't invalidate new patterns. Who you become doesn't invalidate who you were.”

"In order to survive this journey of self-discovery, you have to give yourself permission to not know. There's no harm in not knowing.
There's no failure in not knowing. It's perfectly human to live in your body and experience what you're experiencing without fully understanding it.
The curiosity is what counts. What counts is you acknowledging that you feel something different from the people around you. What counts is that you're searching for new words and new ideas to explain what you feel instead of shoving those feelings away and just conforming to the rest of the world.
What counts is your question, even if you don't have an answer."

[Andrew Eder · Rating 3 out of 5]

Actually very good!! The beginning is a bit demanding / overwhelming in the way it says “You are either THIS or you’re not ace!!!” but as the book progresses it becomes much more inclusive and informative.

It was definitely a lot and I’m glad it was as short as it is. a great beginner book for those looking to find more info.

This is not a book written for only ACE people. It was almost TOO broad and informative that it lost some appeal to me. It discusses ideas and feelings and explains things that I already know and live with daily. So for that reason, it felt more like a book written to non-ace people to understand the ace experience.

Overall, definitely recommend, especially because of the structure meaning you can skip and skim certain parts less relevant to your intention in reading and still get just as much out of it!!

[Kara Babcock · Rating 4 out of 5]

Even though I don’t have TikTok, some of the best content always escapes that platform to find its way to me. Such is the case with Cody Daigle-Orians, purveyor of Ace Dad Advice. I remember watching some of his videos and thinking exactly some of the sentiments he shares later in I Am Ace: Advice on Living Your Best Asexual Life, such as “it’s so nice to see an elder ace!” Lol, we’re so predictable. But it’s also true. Ace people aren’t visible enough. That’s changing, slowly, and it’s good to see someone like Daigle-Orians helping to make that happen. My thanks to Jessica Kingsley Publishers and NetGalley for the eARC.

Although there’s a fair amount of “asexual 101” in this book—and that’s fine—what I value most about this book is exactly what the subtitle promises: the advice. This is a book grounded in Daigle-Orians’ lived experience: that of someone who came out as gay, then came out again as ace after discovering what that was, then started talking about it online and realized he could contribute to the conversation. As he shares his story, he offers advice, yes, but also reassurance.

Some of the advice is very quotable, such as when Daigle-Orians reminds us that “labels are tools not tests.” This is such an important idea to internalize, regardless of how one describes one’s identity. Daigle-Orians returns to this touchstone time and again, from an exploration of microlabels to a primer on the history and theory behind the label queer.

Much of their journey is very relatable. They discovered the asexuality label on Tumblr. Some people dismiss asexuality as being “Tumblr real,” so I suppose this makes Daigle-Orians somewhat of a stereotype, but there’s a reason it’s a stereotype. Though Tumblr, like TikTok, has largely remained outside my purview, I love how it creates these spaces where queer people can talk, lurk, and just exist, often outside of a cishet gaze. The emotions that Daigle-Orians describes as they navigate the discovery of their aceness—relief, trepidation, excitement, etc.—are going to be familiar to aces even if they came to their sexuality in a very different way. While I came to mine younger than Daigle-Orians and single, I feel like we still have a lot in common. It was really cool to hear them talk about how they had never been to a pride event until recently, for that was true of me as well (and in many ways still is).

Similarly, it’s so lovely to hear about his experiences as part of a polycule. I love seeing alternatives to our stereotypical ideas of what a family should be. The way that Daigle-Orians discusses his family, his challenges with dating while ace, the closeness he feels even to those members of his polycule with whom he isn’t in a sexual or romantic relationship—that’s neat. It’s wholesome, even.

Some of the advice and perspective here might be hard to read the first time round. At one point, Daigle-Orians levels with us: being ace is not always easy. Boy is that ever true. I really appreciate that he doesn’t sugarcoat his experiences. Sometimes I swing between these two extremes of thinking “oh man, I’m so glad I’m asexual,” versus, “sometimes it feels like it would be easier if I were ace.” Daigle-Orians addresses the sentiment that some people don’t want to be ace empathetically but sincerely: you are who you are. You can deny that experience, compounding your unhappiness, or embrace going on a journey to discover what that experience means for you. Being ace isn’t the best thing ever, nor does it doom you to unhappiness. It’s just an identity like any other.

Highly recommend for anyone who wants to spend some time listening to that elder ace’s perspective while you meditate on what being ace might mean for you. For allosexual readers: while this book cannot obviously capture everything about being ace, Daigle-Orians does their best to articulate one version of asexuality, acknowledging the limitations of this perspective by dint of being an older, white, male-presenting person. You’ll still get an interesting window into what it’s like being ace in a world that vacillates between denying we exist and telling us we’re broken.

The overarching theme of I Am Ace is that your asexuality does not need to define you, but it can inform you. If you let it, your asexuality can help you feel more comfortable in who you are—whether you’re cis or trans, younger or older, etc. When we realize that our behaviour is not the same as our attraction, that neither of these are destiny, that we can question and change how we identify throughout our life and build, as a result, a happier life—that’s powerful.

Originally posted on Kara.Reviews, where you can easily browse all my reviews and subscribe to my newsletter.

[Lotte Van Der Paelt · Rating 4 out of 5]

First of all, I want to make clear that I as an allosexual person do not pretend to be able to tell you how this book can help asexual folks. I can say how I received it and what I thought, but if you want to know if this book would be a good guide for you as an asexual person, I would suggest trying to find reviews by other asexual people, there are quite a few of them on websites such as Goodreads.

I think 'I am ACE' is a good guide if you're just getting introduced to the topic of asexuality. Even as an allosexual person, you can still learn a lot through this book. I do think that if you're looking for a very thorough guide or description of asexuality, it might be a bit too simple for you. On the other side, I quite liked that it wasn't very heavy or difficult to get through, aso some non-fictional books tend to be, I read this in about 2 days. I really liked that the author started every chapter with a personal anekdote. I do feel like I got to know Cody and he kind of became a friend to guide me through the topic. Definitely recommend to other allo people who cant to get an introduction into asexuality.

Thanks very much to NetGalley, Cody Daigle-Orians and Cody's team for providing me with an ARC! This did not change my review of the book in any way. The author wanted my genuine opinion so that's what I have given here.

[Blandrea · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was an interesting read and a good insight to the Ace spectrum. It cover a range of questions that most of us should know better than to ask, but which, nevertheless, people less familiar with the Ace- spectrum might be wondering (I know I was). Cody discusses all of the ranges of the Ace spectrum, coming out, and negotiating intimacy in relationships.

One highlight for me was the discussions on consent, being guilt free about setting boundaries and how to negotiate where your boundaries are, because they can and do move. Another highlight was emphasising some of the social concepts and expectations that cause issues. Heteronormativity is fairly well documented and discussed, but chrononormativity was a new one for me, but it makes SO much sense. We have these expectations of what stage should be reached by X age (you should be married by now, you should have kids by now, you should have built your career by now) and all of those can be very difficult to manage, and having a name to identify that pressure and where it comes from is helpful!

All in all an easy to access and approachable read, good links to resources for further exploration of the topic. If you think you might be on the Ace spectrum, this is worth a read, if not, it’s worth a read to remember that being allosexual is not a default, and this book is a good way to better understand someone else’s experience.

[Mae Crowe · Rating 4 out of 5]

Everyone who is shelving this as adult, hi, the official summary says it's geared toward primarily teens, so maybe take note of that because that can and does change your experience. (And also "adult" is listed as one of the top genres for this book, and I want teen aces to be able to find books that are written at a more basic readability and not think this is overly theoretical like some ace books are. Ace books that I thoroughly enjoy but still.)

I Am Ace has a very clear-cut audience: anyone who is or thinks they might be acespec. It's written to guide you through self-examination, help you shield yourself against pushback, and learn how you can build a happy, asexual future for yourself. It's a very simple overview, and it fulfills its goals in a warm, friendly tone.

[Vera · Rating 5 out of 5]

I Am Ace is an amazing non-fiction book about asexuality, which is great for both people who know about and haven't encountered any information on the topic before. It is very short and easy to read, unlike many other non-fiction books, and isn't very statistic-heavy. Cody Daigle-Orians does a great job of explaining different aspects of asexuality and giving insightful advice to aces, as well as sharing his own experiences and making the book more engaging. I enjoyed this book a lot more than I thought I would, and definitely recommend it!

[Gee Rothvoss · Rating 5 out of 5]

Written by an ace middle-aged man, "I Am Ace" is a guide to most, if not all, basic aspects of aceness and being on the ace spectrum. From the fact that it's a spectrum with many shades, to coming out, to navigating relationships as an ace person, Cody Daigle-Orians addresses many common concerns and topics that come with wondering whether you might be asexual, and the journey to figuring out the answer.

One of the concepts that appealed to me the most was "chrononormativity", which I haven't seen discussed before as such but have definitely stressed about. The fact that Daigle-Orians took the time to address how much it intersects with aceness was really special, since, indeed, ace people tend to feel - and be told - that they're falling behind in terms of building a life - which is associated, more often than not, with finding a partner and building a family with them. Most queer people struggle with following societal expectations for life speed and achievements, but I felt like Daigle-Orians was able to address how ace people do so even more.

As an ace person who has known this about themselves for almost six years know, it was still really comforting to review the basics about aceness, and to feel like someone was writing not just about us - but rather, for us. The one thing I perhaps didn't feel as comfortable with was the chapter that addressed coming out as an asexual person, since it was clearly written from a very privileged perspective. Despite the fact that the author explicitly acknowledged their priivilege more than once, it still felt like it went unchecked during this chapter, since it emphasised the idea that "you can't be yourself, and happy, unless you're out". While I acknowledge that it's a lot easier to feel at ease when you don't have to conceal who you are, or fear rejection if you choose not to, I also feel the urge to point out that not everyone lives in an environment that allows them to. A lot of people live in countries that either don't protect queer people, or directly prosecute them, and even in countries in which there are laws in place to protect the LGBTQIA+ community, aro and ace people are never talked about. So, in this regard, not everyone has the privilege to be able to come out as aspec, and have their identity respected and celebrated, and I feel like the author ought to have acknowledged this.

This said, I felt really happy that I had the chance to read this book and feel like I was getting a big ace hug, and I definitely recommend it to anyone who wants to get started on aceness.

[Littlebookterror · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you are looking for a simple, easy-to-understand guide that a) can offer you help and perspective, especially if you are from a Western LGBT-friendly/tolerating country, and b) want (or don't mind) that the author uses his personal story as an example to walk you through each chapter, this is an excellent starting point. (Keep in mind that Cody is a white, gay American man, so his experiences might or might not resonate with you. I don't think it distracts from the story but others might disagree.)

I would not recommend this to people who are further along in their asexual journey or are looking for more than a 101 Guide on being ace – this is not that book and that is perfectly okay. It has a different function than Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex (which explains and deconstructs common myths around asexuality through an intersectional lens including race, disability and more) and Refusing Compulsory Sexuality: A Black Asexual Lens on Our Sex-Obsessed Culture (which is a more academic and historically sourced text about current state of asexuality in the USA from the perspective of a Black, asexual person). Their concepts are different from what I am Ace is trying to do and I don't find comparing them helpful.

This book does so many things right in terms of explaining the differences and nuances without enforcing a "right" answer. These are just a few things I found particularly well done:
- a writing style that flows nicely and is very easy to follow
- it does a great job at showing that asexuality is not special or unique, especially in comparison to other sexualities but still equally valid
- he is blunt when he needs to but elaborates when necessary
- there is a strong focus on being comforting and helpful and not a more distant, lecturing tone which works really well
- I like that he doesn't overstep in terms of diving deeper into the intersections that asexuality interacts with until the very end. If you are not white, visibly disabled or a woman (unlike Cody), there are of course additional aspects that might inform your experience but all his statements still apply.

Some parts are maybe more aspirational than applicable to even current life in the USA but I still feel that he was careful enough in his wording that I never felt that he was encouraging one choice over the other.
I did not look through the entirety of the resources in the end as I am unfamiliar with most but I do think his selection of genre fiction was a bit lacking in covering a wide spectrum. But the internet has plenty of other lists, so it's just a nitpick.


I received an advanced reading copy from Jessica Kingsley Publishers through NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

[Ernesto · Rating 5 out of 5]

Una guía excelente para conocer en profundidad el espectro de la asexualidad. En algunos momentos puede parecer un poco básica con algunos conceptos pero el propio autor te recuerda en todo momento que lo importante del libro es que uses de él lo que te sirva y lo demás lo puedes obviar. Todo el libro está lleno de amor, ternura y comprensión, sobre todo el epílogo con el que me he emocionado profundamente. Muy recomendable también seguir al autor en TikTok.

[Keanna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Love review incoming! I received an ARC from Netgalley, and I'm very excited to share my thoughts with everyone.

Tldr; This is a lovey, wholesome, informative, compact book that anyone (questioning, queer, or straight) should read.

This was a lovely book. Like a warm sunny day or a cup of coffee or a warm hug. I've read other books about sexuality (including asexuality) and they have had a clinical, very formal feeling to them. But not 'I Am Ace'! It reads more like a coffee date with a friend.

Cody does a great job at summarizing various asexual orientations, while allowing room for more detailed and nuanced understandings. If someone wanted to discover more about a certain micro label, they will know what to look for and won't find conflicting definitions. He uses great analogies that make concepts like, sexual attraction, easy to understand. The tone of the book is light with humor sprinkled about. Even thought the book is lighthearted, it is still very considerate of the topic of asexuality and everything that entails.

I take a long time to read non-fiction books as my brain enjoys plot and visual descriptions to keep it engaged. So i really enjoyed the way the book was broken into many small sections. The three main parts (Asexuality and you, Asexuality and Others, and Asexuality and the World) are further broken into 11 smaller chapters. Each of these chapters are also broken down into smaller chunks, no more than a few pages long. It makes it very easy to stop and start without becoming lost. The breaks also give you time to think and process the information that has been presented. The breaks are well organized so that you are always left with a complete thought, picture, or idea. However, if you are not like me, it would be a very easy and quick read, coming in under 200 pages.

Some topics that Cody covers in the first section of the book are what is asexuality, what type of asexual am I, and am I really asexual? This section is for people who may be questioning if they are asexual or for someone who has never heard of the definition before.

The second part of the book covers topics like how do I come out, how to deal with microaggressions, and can I have relatio0nships as an ace? This section also includes a topic on healthy relationships that I think every individual can learn from, queer or not. Honestly, I think it should be mandatory reading for everyone over the age of 14. Communication and boundaries aren't talked about nearly enough in any type of relationship and the ideas presented here are easy to understand and apply to daily life.

Section three covers how asexuality fits into the queer community, into the rest of the world, and finding joy in being ace. Things like heteronormativity, amatonormativity, and chrononormativity. If you have never heard of these words before, please pick up this book or at least do a google search. Aces deal with this every day, but it also affects other queer and straight individuals too. There is also a lovely little part on activism in this part too.

Getting into some of my favorite parts of the book, starting with the font that was chosen. It's a little thing, but it's really adorable and adds to the feeling of comfort and joy that the label of asexuality brings to me (and the author and others).

I really appreciate that the reader is continuously reassured that asexual people are not broken, abnormal, or unnatural. They do not need to apologize for who they are as a result of this false brokenness.

As a final thought, Cody uses the word queer throughout the book. He explains why he chose this word near the end, but also addresses that it can still be triggering for some. If you are one of these, this may not be the book for you.

I really encourage you to pick up this book and maybe buy 5 copies so you can lend them to everyone you know.

[Stitching Ghost · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is really a 101 level book written with the young person who is just starting to ask themselves if they're really ace, that person isn't me. If you are looking for a deep dive in ace theory this isn't the book for you, if you don't think you might be ace you might only find limited value in this book.

Now I know this all sound like I didn't care for this book but that would be wrong, this is the kind of book that I think should be in school libraries, this is the kind of book I wish I had had access to when I was a teenager so I'm glad that it exists now. A lot of this book hinges on providing an explanation of micro labels as a way of showing how diverse the asexual experience is. Cady expresses a lot of genuine tenderness which is always refreshing in an educational piece, especially one that is directed towards younger people. The author does a pretty banging job of reminding the reader at every turn that labels are tools, that they can be descriptive but that they should not be prescriptive that it's okay to change them if they no longer align with who we are and that part was so very comforting.

I received an ARC of this book from Netgalley in exchange for an honest review. I was unaware of who the author was/that until I started reading so this review is not influenced by being a fan.

[Lellie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a great introductory to the Ace spectrum. It wasn't as helpful to me as an older person who is familiar with the terminology, but it is especially helpful for younger people and questioning people who might be less familiar. I would have really liked to have this as a younger person. And it's always comforting to read about people who experience things similarly to you. I appreciate Cody's personal story and experiences with asexuality that's woven in between the more technical aspects. I also think his experiences as an older and married asexual give a unique lense into the topic, and was the part that I personally found the most helpful.

Thank you to netgalley for a free copy in exchange for an honest review!

[Nia Jacobsen · Rating 2 out of 5]

Thank you NetGalley for an ARC of this book!


This book was decent for people who have never come across asexuality before and I recommend it as an easy read for those who are curious about their possible asexuality.

The best part of this book for me was the author's own journey and I wish there had been more of that.

Ultimately I didn't enjoy this book because it felt like the author was speaking from a position of knowing more than me and kindly bestowing knowledge on me, rather than us being peers and sharing information. I think other authors of ace books handle their relationship to the reader better.

[PJ · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish this book had existed during my young adult years so I could have figured out my orientation sooner. Instead, I was in my 40s when I started identifying as aromantic asexual. 7 years later and this book still taught me new things I didn’t know. I’m so grateful this book exists to expand asexual awareness in the world. It’s a comprehensive and easy read.

I’m grateful to NetGalley for the ARC. I loved this book so much that I’ve already pre-ordered a physical copy to add to my personal library.

[Iben Marie · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5

[Jenna · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a 5 for me! This is the perfect asexuality 101 book, with great easy-to-understand information and a very hopeful tone. It was nice to be introduced to fundamental concepts like ace vs allo, amatonormativity, and types of asexuality. If you're looking for something more advanced or something with more meat, look elsewhere, but this is a fantastic light and informational read for those who are just beginning to learn about asexuality.

Some of my favorite quotes:
- "Friendships can be some of the most powerful and transformative relationships of our lives. Well-cared for, respected, and nurtured platonic friendships can provide just as substantial, just as valuable, and just as sustaining connection as any romantic relationship."
- "the drag of heterosexuality"
- "I wish you all the kinds of love there is, and wish it for you in abundance."
- "Anger is okay. Anger has a purpose. Don't let anyone tell you that you shouldn't feel anger about the way asexual and other queer people are treated in the world. When confronted with the injustice, hatred, discrimination, and violence our community faces, what other emotion could there be? Anger is an appropriate response to injustice, and while we should never let our anger consume us or allow us to harm the people around us, anger can be a powerful fuel for our advocacy. When injustice starts a fire in you, use that fire to light the way to something better.

[Zoe]

I Am Ace by Cody Daigle-Orians is less a memoir than a beginner's guide to asexuality and the terminology surrounding this umbrella identity.

The book is incredibly well structured and signposted, with clear parts, chapter topics and offering defined terminology for those who are beginning their ace journey. As a beginner's guide, I have no doubt it would be very useful to baby aces or anyone who wants to gain a basic understanding of asexuality.

However, for people already familiar with asexuality, there is little material provided beyond the basic overview of the umbrella term and microidentities within, and only within the final third of the book. As someone familiar with many of the terms, I found myself skim-reading at times to reach new material that would provide food for thought. The strongest point it offered in this regard is what polyamory and open relationships can look like for ace-spec folks, as it challenged me and began to open discussion.

Yet generally, I Am Ace, while clearly written and well-structured, does not offer a nuanced lens of asexuality nor the personal, complex relationship with it that one might expect from a memoir. It's probably the best basic beginner's guide I've read, but does not go beyond that and only touches on intersectionality in one penultimate paragraph to the book.

Thanks to Jessica Kingsley publishers and Netgalley for providing me with an e-arc of the book in exchange for an honest review.

[Laura (Bookworm Extraordinaire) · Rating 5 out of 5]

I just- I don't know what to say other than this book is everything to me and that I'd like to hug Cody Daigle-Orians someday in thanks.

From first learning the term "asexual" to telling people, coming to the realization that I am Ace took me about a decade. If I had had this book back then? Poof, bam, done! I would have known immediately, thank you very much. As it is I am so so happy that it exists now.

Cody has done a wonderful thing in creating Ace Dad Advice and in writing this book. It's a fantastic resource for questioning folks to read all in one place practically every question they've ever had. Even after watching Ace Dad Advice for years and being out for a while, I learned a ton! It is also the kind of book that I would give to the open minded, but still microaggressors in my life. Someone says something ridiculous about asexuality, I just slide over the book to an appropriately flagged section and let them educate themselves.

I honestly would love for I Am Ace to be available everywhere. Libraries (both public and in schools), bookstores, Pride Parades, Book Cafes, street corners, splashed across billboards, and every form of media imaginable. Why? Because it makes me feel seen in a world where we ace folks rarely are. There are countless number of people out there who feel brokenness that is not true and I Am Ace would and should be available to help.

I could go on and on about I Am Ace for hours, but for now just please read this, share this, and embrace this book. 💜

[Shelby Cuthbertson · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was excellent. I wish I’d had this ten years ago when I was most confused about my identity. It was have really given me answers and validated my identity. I’m glad it exists now as a resource for this generation of young queers. Even as someone who has fully settled into identifying as asexual, this book had a lot to offer me in terms of validating my experience. But most importantly of all, it pointed out bad habits that I’d fallen into without realizing it.

Being steeped in an allosexual world had somewhat ingrained the idea that being ace was a disadvantage to me. I’d always thought of it as something to work around; even though I’m happy with my identity, I knew other people are not that kind or understanding. I’m glad that this book pointed out that that kind of attitude is not being kind to yourself, and that we as ace people deserve better than to put ourselves down in that way.

In short, this book is excellent. Short and sweet, but still full of lots of information for the questioning and for those further along their queer journey.