Don't Call Me Home: A Memoir

by Alexandra Auder

“Don’t Call Me Home is about madness and love. Alexandra tells the best stories about her extraordinary childhood as she travels the world with her mother Viva.  Wit and wisdom wrapped and bound with love.” --Debbie Harry

“Alexandra Auder’s Don’t Call Me Home is thrumming with life, in all its absurdity, vividness, and gunk. I literally laughed and cried, and cheered hard throughout for our intrepid narrator, who has gifted us an incomparable tale.”--Maggie Nelson author of The Argonauts and On Freedom

A moving and wickedly funny memoir about one woman’s life as the daughter of a Warhol superstar and the intimate bonds of mother-daughter relationships

Alexandra Auder’s life began at the Chelsea Hotel—New York City’s infamous bohemian hangout—when her mother, Viva, a longtime resident of the hotel and one of Andy Warhol’s superstars, went into labor in the lobby. These first moments of Alexandra’s life, documented by her filmmaker father, Michel Auder, portended the whirlwind childhood and teen years that she would go on to have.

At the center of it all is a glamorous, larger-than-life woman with mercurial moods, who brings Alexandra with her on the road from gig to gig, splitting time between a home in Connecticut and Alexandra’s father’s loft in 1980s Tribeca, then moving back again to the Chelsea Hotel and spending summers with Viva’s upper-middle-class, conservative, hyperpatriarchal family of origin.

In Don’t Call Me Home, Alexandra meditates on the seedy glory of being raised by two counterculture icons, from walking a pet goat around Chelsea and joining the Squat Theatre company to coparenting her younger sister, Gaby, with her mother and partying in East Village nightclubs. Flitting between this world and her present-day life as a yoga instructor, actress, mother, wife, and much-loved Instagram provocateur, Alexandra weaves a stunning, moving, and hilarious portrait of a family and what it means to move away from being your mother’s daughter into being a person of your own.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Library Science, Biography, Audiobook, Book Club, Biography Memoir

336 pages, Kindle Edition

First published May 2, 2023

Reviews

[alex · Rating 4 out of 5]

complicated, messy, unhinged mother/daughter relationship? i’m there baby

[Marii H. · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought this was a really well-done memoir to capture the complexity of mother-daughter relationships, particularly when your mother is a superstar. I can’t imagine the extra emotional baggage that comes with that - except, maybe I can imagine it now. Auder doesn’t shy away from describing both the love and attachment she had toward her mother, and the extreme desire she had to turn and run far, far away from her.
And thankfully, gloriously, this is a memoir that has no resolution. No coming to Jesus moments. Like real life. What I loved about it is a certain admission it contains: that between mothers and daughters, there are confessions each wants from the other but neither has any idea how to talk about it. And sometimes you have to grow up and live your whole life waiting for a confession that never comes.
There’s also the raw honesty of Auder’s fear of having become a similar kind of mother to her own kids, and that’s another real and true part of life that I’m glad she spoke to.
Overall, I found this book funny and entertaining in equal measure as it was speaking truth to power.

[Hailey Skinner · Rating 3 out of 5]

I love reading about the 60s & 70s... until my trust in men is completely destroyed & I have to take a break. ❤️

I swear every memoir from this time involves grown men preying on teenage girls. The universality of this baffles me. Have guys miraculously evolved over the last 50 years?? Orrrrr are they just forced to behave under the threat of #MeToo?? These are the questions that haunt me...

Anyways !

Warhol superstars are a major point of fascination for me, as is the Chelsea Hotel... pair those with a messy Ladybird-esque dynamic & I'm listening! Audiobook in, world out!

In most ways, Alex was right about her mom. Viva was irresponsible & hysterical. She lacked boundaries & often acted more like an older teenage sister.

But also.... Viva wasn't always wrong, she often just went about things wrong. She was real for worrying about Alex's heroin addict father! She was real for punishing Alex for skipping school! She was real for threatening 15-year-old Alex's 30-year-old suitor! (See first paragraph again!!!!!!!!)

It bugged me how adult Alex wouldn't quite admit that. If she did, I missed it.

Overall this childhood was so far removed from my own suburban one, which was sponsored by a bread-winning father & homemaking mother. It was another world!! And that's why we read!!

[Samira · Rating 4 out of 5]

such a unique childhood! growing up in the hotel chelsea in a one bedroom apartment with your baby sister and cartoon character of a mother, and having to raise them both. such an interesting mother daughter dynamic. i think my favorite part of alex’s journey is how, as an adult and as a mother, she finally realizes that all of Vivas outbursts and breakdowns are real visceral reactions that all mothers likely have. but alex is now armed with the knowledge of how these outbursts can affect your child. Viva wasn’t wrong for feeling the feelings she felt, she was wrong for taking them out the way she did. and alex uses this knowledge as a superpower when raising her own kids. she sounds like a great mama and a strong girlie.

i feel for viva :( she had good intentions and she did an okay job considering her surroundings and lifestyle. viva sounds so interesting and i’m dying to hear the story of her life pre Alex. going to read her book next and deep dive into her version of life

[Susan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Mixed feelings about this one. I was looking forward to reading about NYC in the 70s and 80s but yikes, did this girl have a messed up life! And that was really the whole point of the book. There were a lot of places where she just made my skin crawl with the descriptions of her mother and her actions. I actually thought the heroin-addicted father was the more stable parent and that's saying something! She and her sister turned out well and pretty normal which surprised me somewhat.

[Natalie Lane · Rating 3 out of 5]

While it was well written I have a hard time recommending it. For me this falls under the category of “criminally neglectful and emotionally abusive parent leads to a fascinating memoir.” Why is it that only white parents are seen as bohemian artists or eccentric geniuses who are raising their children untraditionally? Why is the authors parentifcation not pointed out the way Jill Duggars was in her recent memoir? It was thought provoking because I am still thinking about it.

[Hannah Brick · Rating 4 out of 5]

Myyyyyyyyyy mother and I

Seriously crazy family dynamic, but really interesting to read about in a memoir type format. I liked how she split time between stories from her growing up and the Present, but the Present time was just the week her mother was spending at her house for Christmas - wasn’t confusing like some time swapping books can be! Incredibly well done, really captures the difficulty of her relationship with her mother and relates back to how in every relationship we have to hold love and anger in both hands. Recognizable dynamic but simultaneously very far from my own experience!

[Julia Walsh · Rating 5 out of 5]

this was incredibly interesting and incredibly uncomfortable in ways i never would of expected when i grabbed it off the shelf at a random bookstore - i was intrigued by the tales of the authors mother in the warhol days, gritty nyc, patti smith vibes all that stuff that i have hyperfixations on. hearing these glamor days from the pov of her daughter was a whole different story, it is so easy to glamorize those times but you never think of the families involved. really great writing that beautifully describes the complicated mother daughter relationship that i think all women can relate to in some capacity

[Sophie Griffin · Rating 4 out of 5]

more like 3.5. good memoir, interesting portrait of bohemian nyc and liked how it went between the past and present. feel like it could’ve been longer / there were some parts that would have benefited from being developed more but overall enjoyable read

[brittney · Rating 4 out of 5]

“They say your very first thoughts are the internalized dialogue of the mother figure. Your first words were you mimicking what you heard around you; then one day that person shushed you, and you turned the words inward, and they became thoughts. So your own thoughts are not your own.”

[Sky • aquariusannotations · Rating 5 out of 5]

"My face is still nuzzled in her neck, and I'm still crying. I'm crying because I can't forgive. I'm crying from the relief of finally getting her out of my house. Crying because we can't tell our story together and crying because we can't seem to agree on it."

This is a memoir about Alexandra Auder's unconventional childhood with her mom, Viva, a Warhol superstar. It gives a peek into her wild upbringing in New York City's bohemian scene during the 70s and 80s. The book explores her unique family life and her journey to find herself.

I picked this book up right before leaving the bookstore solely based on the cover alone (which by the way is by the iconic Annie Leibovitz!!) and I'm so happy I chose it! The writing was great. It sometimes felt like reading a diary or something I wasn't supposed to, given its connection to a celebrity's life and how personal it was.

This memoir is like diving headfirst into a blender full of crazy childhood stories. Imagine your mom is a former Warhol superstar, and your idea of "home" is as stable as a Jenga tower. Welcome to Alexandra's life!

It's both hilarious and heart-wrenching. Auder spills the tea on growing up with her eccentric mom, Viva, and their chaotic adventures. Her sense of humor makes event he messiest moments entertaining. Seriously, you'll be laughing out loud one minute and feeling all the feels the next.

The title nails it - Auder's life was a never-ending quest for a real home. It's all about finding yourself and making sense of the madness. I loved how honest she is with the reader.

If you're into memoirs that are part comedy, part therapy session, this is your jam.

[Bella Schiek · Rating 4 out of 5]

Limits of spontaneity of living on a whim and by your tempers. Weaving this book into my personal philosophies. My life is swinging from reckless abandon to anxious rebuilding, and this book shows a portrait of a family that lives uncaged, beginning with what seems like magic and ending with the consequences on those around you when you take that too far. I awe at Alex’s capacity to create stability and peace while still living her own life and standing firmly in what she chooses. Maybe that’s just being a teenager and handling emotionally bombastic parents, but it seems like the key to her creative and personal fulfillment.

I loved reading this book, and I want a book written like this about all the people I know’s journeys from childhood to adulthood. I wish I could remember my life well enough to do the same. It sounds real cathartic. Reading this as I’m back home for the week was really something.

Something I notice w white moms who b crazy is this dynamic of maintaining so much closeness through verbal and physical affection while all of the weird power struggles and stuff are playing out below the surface, and that is so foreign to me so it was really interesting to me to read that kind of relationship described through the entirety of an adolescence.

I can’t believe Gabby is magic crystal fairy thank god I didn’t look them up til after I finished the book

[Glen Helfand · Rating 4 out of 5]

Those of us who grew up in uneventful, normie households dream of what it would have been like if our parents were cool, took us to art openings and weren't uptight about sex. This may be why there is nearly a genre of books by children of bohemia, of which this is one. If you ever wondered what it was like to grow up the child of chatterbox Warhol Superstar Viva, Alexandra Auder knows the score. The narcissism and eccentricity isn't a surprise, but it is a very engaging ride. Viva was a vain and melodramatic mama, and had crazy fights with her family. She repeatedly called her estranged husband a junkie, though it's unclear if he was. Alexandra was a precocious yet conscientious child, a parent to her mother, as well as a co-parent to her little sister, Gaby Hoffman. They all lived at the Chelsea Hotel and at 10, Alex was pushing her sister's stroller on the streets of New York on her own. Her step-mom was Cindy Sherman. Alex recounts an early sexual encounter with creepy Vincent Gallo. There are cuts to the present moment, with Viva, the aging mother, still driving her kids crazy. Childhood ends way too quickly, but the journey there is bad parent fun.

[Audrey Evans · Rating 5 out of 5]

I heard the author interviewed on NPR and waited in the library’s internet line to read Don’t Call Me Home: A Memoir. When I read the last page, I was mad. No! Keep telling me about your life; keep talking about a world that is unfathomable to me. The author is the child of a wild woman: a woman who never contemplates working or conforming or what other people think. The daughter tells us about herself from an early age until she goes to college. She writes this book in college. She finally finishes the book and gets it published when she is grown woman. This is NOT a sad whiny book; it is a fully descriptive endlessly interesting book.
Don’t Call Me Home proves what I believe: if your mother actually loves you, even if she loves herself more, you will be OK. A mother’s love is the necessary ingredient to having a real shot at life. Everything else is background noise. The author grew up with more background noise then I could ever imagine!

[Tosh · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really found this book fascinating on so many levels, and also personal to me. Read my thoughts here: https://open.substack.com/pub/tosh/p/...

[Angela · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5 stars. It might be time for me to take a little break from memoirs.

[elissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wonderful writer, great story, which alternates between the past and the present. Story of Alexandra's growing up in the Hotel Chelsea in NY as the daughter of Viva (of Warhol fame) and Michel Auder, the filmmaker (and drug addict).

I have never figured out what everyone sees in the Warhol crowd, but Alexandra's life, in addition to being unconventional, is also conventional in many ways. We get some insight into Viva's family of origin and it helps explain her life as an adult, and also her parenting.

I also learned about the Squat Theatre, which I had not heard of before.

Read this in a week, would recommend if you are interested in material about the complicated relationship of mothers and daughters, and family pasts shrouded in mystery. Alexandra conveys the oddities of her inner and outer life without ever asking the reader for pity.

[Miss · Rating 5 out of 5]

There’s so much in this book. There are so many ways to be a mess & alter peoples lives. Endlessly fascinating the dynamics between mothers and daughters.
And Vincent Gallo! That beautiful but dirty weirdo! I’d forgotten him but Auder’s experience of him is exactly what I imagined him to be like. I always want to know Christina Ricci’s thoughts. Maybe she’ll write a book too lol
Anyways! This is an incredibly open & unshrinking memoir.
Like all non-fiction tales about people I say: WHERE ARE THE PHOTOS?!
Haha I’m a true voyeur

[Erica Remington · Rating 3 out of 5]

I find it difficult to rate a memoir because it's easy to muddy the waters with rating the author's experience instead of the telling of the story.

There was a good portion of this that I was thinking "this is just meh" but it certainly wasn't that there was a lack of material. Alexandra had quite the childhood and I felt so bad for both her and Gabby.

Maybe it was just the "voice" of the writing that didn't resonate with me

[Sylvia · Rating 4 out of 5]

A childhood anchored by a famous, crazy mother does not make for an easy normal life. Exposed to so much, so early, it’s amazing that Alexandra grew up to be a functioning adult. I found this fascinating, horrifying and even funny at times. I’m so glad memoirs have become so popular. They might be my favorite genre of books.

[Aisha · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is basically a Gilmore Girls-type of mother-daughter relationship, but if it’s set in the 70s-80s, Lorelei was more unhinged, and Rory had a secret yet confusing animosity towards her. Loved the first two sections; the third section was dreadful.

[Bryn Bliska · Rating 4 out of 5]

Painful read at times but very illuminating and ultimately a vivid portrait of a fraught mom-daughter relationship and it’s surrounding milieu. Not an easy read for me but ultimately a good one imo

[Tiffany · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think as far as memoirs go, it’s a success and well written. But I wasn’t interested in their lives and so the subject matter got tiresome for me. Not sure if that’s the fault of the author or just me.

[Michelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

A complicated mother-daughter relationship and the author's off-kilter childhood are the heart of this memoir. I liked it, it's a quick read, and the audiobook is very well read, really brought Viva's unique character to life.

[Shelby · Rating 3 out of 5]

Changed my review to 3 stars after reviewing the description and other reviews. This woman’s childhood was hard. The hardship she went through was extreme and impactful. That is why I originally rated this 4 stars, for the impact of those who have gone through similar experiences. Though unfortunately this does seem common with all the hard memoirs out there.

Ultimately, this is not an extraordinary childhood like many of the reviews and the description states. Her mother was emotionally immature, unhealthy, and neglected her children’s well-being and safety. I Can hear people saying “blah blah blah she did the best she could” - yeah, I get that. There is grace obviously. But she still fell so far from the bare minimum bar that every parent should uphold. We want to promote health of individuals without making excuses for the harm to children they’ve done.

So like this book is definitely worth the read, let’s just not glorify her experience and remember that this happened and isn’t fiction???

[Mary]

So glad I read this bc now I can tell all my friends that Gaby Hoffmann was raised in an environment where you could just casually drink the breast milk of your neighbor

[Sophia · Rating 2 out of 5]

I thought this would be way more up my alley... I wasn't as fascinated by the toxic mother-daughter relationship, Andy Warhol superstars, addict father, 60s/70s New York City than I thought. Not sure if it was the writing style, the timeline jumping, or the childhood memories relayed in a memoir that were really just stories she had heard over and over from others... 3/5

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this after reading a book on Warhol's 'muses' and it was interesting to read about how one of his 'muses' - VIVA Superstar lived her life after being cast aside by Warhol.

When you read the stories of the bohemian childhood of Alexander Auder and her sister Gaby Hoffmann- it's...interesting I guess but also very fucking sad. What is more important- the enjoyment of an adult who lives unfettered by any rules of society or the welfare of children? Sure they've got lots of stories but they are forever trying to understand their childhood and create boundaries where they were none.

[Jerrid Kruse · Rating 2 out of 5]

Some interesting stories, but may have been more interesting if I knew who the mother ones. Seems like a craptastic childhood in general though.

[Phyllis · Rating 2 out of 5]

Basically hate-listened to the last few chapters. Smarmy, pretentious, mean-spirited twit.