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All the Things They Said We Couldn't Have: Stories of Trans Joy
'Transition has not been something linear for me, my joy has come in seasons.'
Now, more than ever, trans people deserve to hear stories of joy and hope, where being trans doesn't have to be defined by fear and dysphoria, but can be experienced through courage, freedom, and the love and acceptance of their chosen families.
Through a series of uplifting, generous and beautifully crafted vignettes, T. C. Oakes-Monger gently leads you through the cycle of the seasons - beginning in Autumn and the shedding of leaves and identity, moving through the darkness of Winter, its cold days, and the reality of daily life, into Spring, newness, and change, and ending with the joy of long Summer days and being out and proud - and invites you to find similar moments of joy in your life.
Celebratory and empowering, these stories are a reminder of the power joy can bring.
Now, more than ever, trans people deserve to hear stories of joy and hope, where being trans doesn't have to be defined by fear and dysphoria, but can be experienced through courage, freedom, and the love and acceptance of their chosen families.
Through a series of uplifting, generous and beautifully crafted vignettes, T. C. Oakes-Monger gently leads you through the cycle of the seasons - beginning in Autumn and the shedding of leaves and identity, moving through the darkness of Winter, its cold days, and the reality of daily life, into Spring, newness, and change, and ending with the joy of long Summer days and being out and proud - and invites you to find similar moments of joy in your life.
Celebratory and empowering, these stories are a reminder of the power joy can bring.
144 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 19, 2023
18 people are currently reading
3108 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 108 reviews
November 23, 2022
One of the most joyous books I’ve ever read. I found myself smiling widely at some of the moments of everyday joy the author shares, as though I was recollecting a precious memory with them. They described these small moments with such warmth that it was impossible not to feel the radiance of their joy!
January 17, 2023
I received an advanced reader copy of the All the Things They Said We Couldn't Have by Tash Oakes-monger in exchange for an honest review.
“I have curated my body, and in doing so I have come to live in it again”
Tash Oakes-monger wrote All the Things They Said We Couldn't Have to collect and share stories of trans joy. So much of trans representation in the media is about our pain and our struggles, so a book like this is significant and refreshing. Tash relates their experiences, curated by season rather than chronology. I liked that format. Even if things were out of order the book still felt cohesive.
Being trans can be isolating and scary, but this collection will be a great reminder for trans people that they are not alone, and that their lives will be filled with joy. Thank you NetGalley and Jessica Kingsley Publishers for the advanced reader copy.
“I have curated my body, and in doing so I have come to live in it again”
Tash Oakes-monger wrote All the Things They Said We Couldn't Have to collect and share stories of trans joy. So much of trans representation in the media is about our pain and our struggles, so a book like this is significant and refreshing. Tash relates their experiences, curated by season rather than chronology. I liked that format. Even if things were out of order the book still felt cohesive.
Being trans can be isolating and scary, but this collection will be a great reminder for trans people that they are not alone, and that their lives will be filled with joy. Thank you NetGalley and Jessica Kingsley Publishers for the advanced reader copy.
November 12, 2022
A beautiful memoir about the power of trans joy. I loved every story in this book, each person Tash talked about and each event that happened was another slice of joy - the kind of joy that comes from being part of a community that cares so deeply for one another. I only wish I had the kind of friendships that I read about here. The mutual aid, the support, the love; it is so vital and heartwarming. This book is proof that we can have all the things they said we couldn't have.
February 27, 2023
This was a gift from a relative and I almost didn't read it. I'm glad I did! Being trans is a history for me and I feel removed from it (read: I've distance myself from the community). From the title, I thought it was going to be negative, but it was the opposite. It was joyful, hopeful, positive, and real.
"Trans" and "joy" are words that, in my mind, don't go together. But this book proved me wrong. It made me realise all the joy I experience now. Dancing, deep friendships, lightness. It's joy I get to feel not because I no longer consider myself as trans, but *because* I'm trans. This book made me want to explore being more visible. It reminded me of the community that I was a part of. It was a reminder I needed.
"Trans" and "joy" are words that, in my mind, don't go together. But this book proved me wrong. It made me realise all the joy I experience now. Dancing, deep friendships, lightness. It's joy I get to feel not because I no longer consider myself as trans, but *because* I'm trans. This book made me want to explore being more visible. It reminded me of the community that I was a part of. It was a reminder I needed.
June 20, 2023
More books like this pls
September 17, 2023
This isn’t just a book; it’s joy and beauty and strength and vulnerability wrapped up in some of the best prose poetry I’ve ever read. Could not recommend it more highly to anyone and everyone, and can’t wait to read what the author writes next.
January 15, 2023
All the Things They Said We Couldn’t Have is a gorgeous collection of essays and stories centering the joy of being trans. Tash Oakes-monger is a trans, nonbinary British writer. They don’t sidestep the difficulties of being trans in a hostile world, but illuminate the joy and life that comes with existing in the world as your true self.
I found myself starting each morning by reading a couple of selections. I find value in joy for its own sake, and it is the reason we keep going. Oakes-Monger puts joy on every page. They share stories of swimming in the ocean, community coming together to navigate bureaucracy, finding clothes that feel like them, and helping others do the same.
I don’t want anything I say in the following paragraph to imply that I think the oppression I face is the same as or as bad as the oppression faced by trans and nonbinary people. I am punished for my social transgressions by being told that I am not good enough, not that I shouldn’t exist. In much smaller ways, I know the joy of being myself in the world, when I have told to be someone different. I know the joy of find people with whom I share that commonality. I know the joy of being seen and accepted when that hasn’t been my experience. It’s a joy I wish for everyone.
Tash Oakes-Monger wrote an opinion piece asking what would be possible if trans and non-binary people didn’t have to spend so much of their lives just trying to exist.
Imagine what we could be if the world didn’t stifle us.
Imagine if we could breathe fully, and always.
All the Things They Said We Couldn’t Have offers something of an answer by focusing on the joy they and their community have now in a country trying to legislate them out of existence. It’s a beautiful book. I highly recommend it for everyone.
CW: reality of transphobia in the background, COVID-19 pandemic referenced, dysphoria, loneliness, poverty, systemic barriers, medical discrimination
I received this as an advance reader copy from Jessica Kingsley Publishers and NetGalley. My opinions are my own, freely and honestly given.
I found myself starting each morning by reading a couple of selections. I find value in joy for its own sake, and it is the reason we keep going. Oakes-Monger puts joy on every page. They share stories of swimming in the ocean, community coming together to navigate bureaucracy, finding clothes that feel like them, and helping others do the same.
I don’t want anything I say in the following paragraph to imply that I think the oppression I face is the same as or as bad as the oppression faced by trans and nonbinary people. I am punished for my social transgressions by being told that I am not good enough, not that I shouldn’t exist. In much smaller ways, I know the joy of being myself in the world, when I have told to be someone different. I know the joy of find people with whom I share that commonality. I know the joy of being seen and accepted when that hasn’t been my experience. It’s a joy I wish for everyone.
Tash Oakes-Monger wrote an opinion piece asking what would be possible if trans and non-binary people didn’t have to spend so much of their lives just trying to exist.
Imagine what we could be if the world didn’t stifle us.
Imagine if we could breathe fully, and always.
All the Things They Said We Couldn’t Have offers something of an answer by focusing on the joy they and their community have now in a country trying to legislate them out of existence. It’s a beautiful book. I highly recommend it for everyone.
CW: reality of transphobia in the background, COVID-19 pandemic referenced, dysphoria, loneliness, poverty, systemic barriers, medical discrimination
I received this as an advance reader copy from Jessica Kingsley Publishers and NetGalley. My opinions are my own, freely and honestly given.
March 19, 2023
One trans person's stories from their life. Little everyday stories. Every one has trans joy. Sure, struggles are mentioned but every single one has hope and joy in it from real life.
This book is full of trans joy and trans hope, and all the things they said we couldn't have as trans people.
I took this book slow on purpose. Because each story made me teary. Every single one. And each tear was a happy tear. I wanted to savor the joy.
Now more than ever trans people need to see trans joy. People need to see that trans joy is not only possible, it's real. This book is so very important. And it's only March but i'll be hella shocked if anything beats this for my #1 book of the year. I don't think that's possible.
This book is full of trans joy and trans hope, and all the things they said we couldn't have as trans people.
I took this book slow on purpose. Because each story made me teary. Every single one. And each tear was a happy tear. I wanted to savor the joy.
Now more than ever trans people need to see trans joy. People need to see that trans joy is not only possible, it's real. This book is so very important. And it's only March but i'll be hella shocked if anything beats this for my #1 book of the year. I don't think that's possible.
December 14, 2025
This book was an absolute joy that I read slowly to feed my soul in little bits. It reminded me a little of the documentary Larry they/them, about Canadian non-binary photographer Laurence Philomène, in that it’s focused on everyday trans joy. Oakes goes through a year and describes their joy - and that of their trans compatriots - throughout each season. Some are joys related to transness - like swimming in the ocean topless for the first time after top surgery - but most are not. The point, as the title suggests, is that trans people, just like cis people, can find true love, community, meaningful work, and awe in nature. We can enjoy delicious food, and baby cuddles, and dancing the night away. And beyond that, we can imagine a better, more inclusive and joy fostering world, and in the meantime, cultivate that in our individual homes, lives, and social circles.
November 8, 2023
Simple and magical and joyful. I wanted to ration out reading this book story by story so I didn't consume all of the joy all at once, so I would have more joy to look forward to.
March 15, 2024
i cannot stop smiling :) i CANNOT stop smiling.
January 1, 2023
Honestly, I was kinda let down by this one. I'm not sure what I expected but I'm not sure this book was satisfying for me. I feel really bad about it because in my opinion, this book was on the verge of being amazing. I loved the idea of a trans experience being shown through seasons and how that could express the inherent messiness that comes with a trans narrative. But unfortunately the idea wasn't developed how I would have liked and there was no clear explanation why certain stories were told in certain seasons rather than others. There was a lot of visuals, but just as a movie can't rely on good visuals to substitute for a mid or lackluster story, good prose can't replace good pacing of anecdotal storytelling. There was no sense of pace and we would read about something very recent and then something a long time ago without a clear explanation that left me feeling confused and unsatisfied throughout most of the book. There were certain times I thought the prose of explaining trans joy was very impressive, but then when I thought about it everything came down to the prose. I felt most of the stories were told for a cis audience to explain what trans joy is like, rather than for trans people to feel seen and welcome. I think the author could do really well in poetry or writing trans stories in verse, but honestly I didn't think this format worked very well. It's a shame because I think there were elements that could be really good, I just didn't see them. This author is very talented, I just think it could use better pacing and better explored styling. All that comes with practice which I have no doubt is possible for them.
December 30, 2022
There are not enough of these books in the world. Centered on Oakes-Monger's life experiences and split into the four seasons with little illustrations sprinkled throughout, this book is affirming and filled with hope. I thought the anecdotes were well-written. You get glimpses of different points in their life, not in any chronological order.
That's not to say the author doesn't also acknowledge the pain, sadness, and fear that is part of their journey. The author very clearly states that this is their experience and that trans people are all different.
Maybe they are one of the lucky ones who found community, family, and shared support, but all trans people deserve joy and security.
There was something comforting about this book.
Thank you to @netgalley and @jkpbooks for this ARC. This review is my honest opinion.
That's not to say the author doesn't also acknowledge the pain, sadness, and fear that is part of their journey. The author very clearly states that this is their experience and that trans people are all different.
Maybe they are one of the lucky ones who found community, family, and shared support, but all trans people deserve joy and security.
There was something comforting about this book.
Thank you to @netgalley and @jkpbooks for this ARC. This review is my honest opinion.
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February 22, 2023Love the concept and some individual parts were so heartwarming, particularly their stories about surgery. I disliked the format and that everything was present tense, plus a lot of the language was too flowery for prose. I think the author would make a great poet.
Probably 7/10 for me bc of the formatting but I would still recommend this.
Probably 7/10 for me bc of the formatting but I would still recommend this.
July 19, 2023
This book is beauty incarnate. I love it so much. I could hardly put it down, and the structure made it easy to pick it up in all those little moments waiting for the bus or on my coffee break.
The most wonderful thing about each passage is that they contain pain and joy both. They can't exist without each other, after all, we can't appreciate all the good if we don't know how bad it can be. And it's incredible, incredibly done, and the magic comes in the fact that the joy always outweighs the suffering.
Gorgeous. Highly recommended to anyone already familiar with trans concerns but who wants to be grounded in what makes trans people People, instead of just Trans. Also recommended to everybody who wants to smile.
The most wonderful thing about each passage is that they contain pain and joy both. They can't exist without each other, after all, we can't appreciate all the good if we don't know how bad it can be. And it's incredible, incredibly done, and the magic comes in the fact that the joy always outweighs the suffering.
Gorgeous. Highly recommended to anyone already familiar with trans concerns but who wants to be grounded in what makes trans people People, instead of just Trans. Also recommended to everybody who wants to smile.
January 3, 2025
☆ 4.50
i found myself smiling from ear-to-ear. my heart swells at the imagination of the stories told in this book. it's interesting how i was entertained all throughout even if it mostly contained mundane moments of transness (that i myself could not even relate to). but then as a queer person, this made me think of the possibility that such loving and caring communities are out there for me and for others.
tash's life truly is inspiring that it could give hope for other trans people seeking joy in their lives. the beautiful writing of imagery is a bonus, plus i liked the format of associating their moments with the seasons. it worked out so well with the emotions and atmosphere they were trying to convey.
i found myself smiling from ear-to-ear. my heart swells at the imagination of the stories told in this book. it's interesting how i was entertained all throughout even if it mostly contained mundane moments of transness (that i myself could not even relate to). but then as a queer person, this made me think of the possibility that such loving and caring communities are out there for me and for others.
tash's life truly is inspiring that it could give hope for other trans people seeking joy in their lives. the beautiful writing of imagery is a bonus, plus i liked the format of associating their moments with the seasons. it worked out so well with the emotions and atmosphere they were trying to convey.
June 25, 2023
Lovingly tender, heartwarmingly real, painfully relatable.
I found myself smiling, tearing up and getting goosebumps.
This is a beautiful collection of happenings that are so personal yet feel so universal. I’ve never felt so seen and so connected. I cannot recommend this book enough to all trans people and everyone who cares about them.
I found myself smiling, tearing up and getting goosebumps.
This is a beautiful collection of happenings that are so personal yet feel so universal. I’ve never felt so seen and so connected. I cannot recommend this book enough to all trans people and everyone who cares about them.
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June 19, 2024I really enjoyed this! As a cis-gendered person, I feel like it is incredibly valuable and important for me to hear stories about something that I will never experience. This short story collection/memoir fusion was incredibly engaging, insightful, and emotional.
To the author: thank you for writing this! A delightful read.
To the author: thank you for writing this! A delightful read.
August 2, 2023
The story of trans persecution is vital moreso now than ever. But it's only half the story. This book starts to tell the other half in a kind, (unnecessarily) humble, and poetic way.
If you're cis-hetero, come get a peak at the joy to be found in the queer life.
If you're trans, well, I am in no position to give suggestions or recommendations; I hope I can be there for you if you ever need me.
If you're cis-hetero, come get a peak at the joy to be found in the queer life.
If you're trans, well, I am in no position to give suggestions or recommendations; I hope I can be there for you if you ever need me.
August 19, 2023
Delightful, hopeful, and very needed.
Representation: trans, t4t
Representation: trans, t4t
March 26, 2024
joy joy joy lovely trans joy
March 10, 2025
I finish this book with hope - a rare commodity.
March 10, 2025
full of love ❤️
August 19, 2025
A beautiful, touching story about queer joy and friendships !
October 29, 2025
I needed to read this
April 2, 2023
Beautiful book of trans joy
June 7, 2024
This book was so good for my heart
February 14, 2024
Oakes-Monger did a beautiful job at capturing trans joy. A significant number of the stories were relatable in a chilling way. After years of being out and consuming work by trans authors, it’s easy to believe I’m aware of all the ways our stories overlap. But this book brought in pieces of everyday life and trans friendships that I didn’t realize were such shared experiences in this community. I found myself thinking “Same!” and “Me too!” so many times in this. There were also pieces I couldn’t relate to, which I appreciate as a glimpse into T.C.’s unique personal story. This book was quite simple and surface-level. The focus was on trans joy, but it didn’t come without overt discussion of trans struggle, violence, and transphobia— I found this tough to read and unnecessary to include. Overall, a sweet story with pages I will come back to and smile over.
December 26, 2022
This book was absolutely fabulous and I highly recommend it! I especially loved the following themes:
-Joy is not a luxury, but essential.
-Transitioning is not an individual process with a start and finish, but a community undertaking grounded in solidarity. "A collective, a library, a choir."
-The trans community is like the seasons - new and ancient, history and future, inevitable, beautiful, and inextricably linked to growth and change. I especially loved the seasonal format, descriptions, and art!
-Queerness is magic. Especially how we think beyond, exist in a betwixt space, and challenge the rigidness of the world.
-The healing power of play!
-The physical preservation of trans joy through art.
-Joy is not a luxury, but essential.
-Transitioning is not an individual process with a start and finish, but a community undertaking grounded in solidarity. "A collective, a library, a choir."
-The trans community is like the seasons - new and ancient, history and future, inevitable, beautiful, and inextricably linked to growth and change. I especially loved the seasonal format, descriptions, and art!
-Queerness is magic. Especially how we think beyond, exist in a betwixt space, and challenge the rigidness of the world.
-The healing power of play!
-The physical preservation of trans joy through art.
December 28, 2023
I almost feel bad rating this book so low, and for a different audience it could certainly have more impact. But as someone who is queer and already pretty confident in my queerness, this felt entry-level. Basic stories, very well-told, of Trans Joy and the journey to self-acceptance.
If you are an ally wanting a look into the trans experience, or a baby trans who needs assurance that joy is possible, ignore my review and read this book.
If you're trans and looking for a more substantial or enlightening read? This will feel like empty calories. Fun but fleeting.
If you are an ally wanting a look into the trans experience, or a baby trans who needs assurance that joy is possible, ignore my review and read this book.
If you're trans and looking for a more substantial or enlightening read? This will feel like empty calories. Fun but fleeting.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 108 reviews