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Everything All at Once: A Memoir
New York Times Bestseller
An intimate and evocative memoir one woman’s experience with the universality of grief and the redemptive power of love as she endures her husband’s 84-day battle with lung cancer.
When Steph Catudal met her husband Rivs, she thought that the love, stability, and warmth she shared with her husband had finally dispelled her pent-up anger and grief over the loss of her father and her faith. But when Rivs became ill and was put into coma at the height of the pandemic, the painful memories of her childhood—watching her father die of cancer—came flooding back.
Written with lush lyricism, Steph’s account of how this crisis forced her to confront her past is raw, illuminating, and her father’s death that wrecked her faith in God and jumpstarted a decade of rebellion, including running away from home and living out of a van at age 16, struggling with alcoholism, and delving into drugs to ease her pain. Sitting by Rivs's bedside, she grappled with the memories of the past and the uncertainties of the future while reckoning with the unknowns of her husband’s illness. Rivs would endure a grueling 84 days in a medically induced coma, eventually undergoing chemo for a similar illness that stole her father.
Like Cheryl Strayed’s Wild, and Michelle Zauner’s Crying in H Mart, Everything All At Once is a heart-wrenching and ultimately uplifting reflection on resilience and a powerful reminder that we can find healing no matter how broken we are.
An intimate and evocative memoir one woman’s experience with the universality of grief and the redemptive power of love as she endures her husband’s 84-day battle with lung cancer.
When Steph Catudal met her husband Rivs, she thought that the love, stability, and warmth she shared with her husband had finally dispelled her pent-up anger and grief over the loss of her father and her faith. But when Rivs became ill and was put into coma at the height of the pandemic, the painful memories of her childhood—watching her father die of cancer—came flooding back.
Written with lush lyricism, Steph’s account of how this crisis forced her to confront her past is raw, illuminating, and her father’s death that wrecked her faith in God and jumpstarted a decade of rebellion, including running away from home and living out of a van at age 16, struggling with alcoholism, and delving into drugs to ease her pain. Sitting by Rivs's bedside, she grappled with the memories of the past and the uncertainties of the future while reckoning with the unknowns of her husband’s illness. Rivs would endure a grueling 84 days in a medically induced coma, eventually undergoing chemo for a similar illness that stole her father.
Like Cheryl Strayed’s Wild, and Michelle Zauner’s Crying in H Mart, Everything All At Once is a heart-wrenching and ultimately uplifting reflection on resilience and a powerful reminder that we can find healing no matter how broken we are.
235 pages, Kindle Edition
Published May 30, 2023
215 people are currently reading
8297 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 386 reviews
July 23, 2023
I didn't know who Tommy Rivs was going into this book, and evidently, I am very much in the minority on not giving this book a glowing rating. I found the first 25% or so very compelling, and then it drifted and never got back on track for me. I liked these quotes early on "Often, what looks like resilience to others is simply accepting the things we can't change" and "Perhaps love and prayer were simply channels to carry people through, a little more gently, towards whatever outcome lay before them."
After the setup with Tommy being so sick, we pretty quickly moved into more of a personal memoir, a lot of which focused on the Mormon church, with which she seemed palpably angry. Totally fine if that's her prerogative, but I just couldn't figure out how all those Mormonism anecdotes had anything to do with a book about her husband's illness or why they were even included. Did we need to hear about her heroin-addicted boyfriend from when she was 19 or her college humanitarian trip that went wrong? What did that have to do with anything?
There was a lot about how she decided to go to BYU Hawaii and then how much she disliked it, but where was the stuff about meeting Rivs there (evidently, that's where they met, and he'd just returned from a Mormon mission) and their courtship, decision to get married, early marriage, etc. Instead we get weird stories about old boyfriends and bishops interviews, which I don't care about because they're not adding anything. If you feel compelled to include all the Mormon stuff, then why not close the loop and tell us where you and Rivs are with it today? You hate organized religion? You stayed Mormon? What's the end result of this religious story you've telling us throughout?
Then, it suddenly morphed from personal memoir back to her husband's terrible and unexplained illness and his fight to recover. I was just blown away by those details and the severity of his health issues and that he managed to pull through. Incredible.
But then we move into part 3, so to speak, which is evidently a collection of all the Instagram posts she wrote while he was in the hospital. They get progressively more overwrought and overwritten with every paragraph. So much of it, I was like, "what are you even trying to say here?" because it was just sooo obtuse and trying soooo hard that it was painful to sift through the extraneous words that seemed to be there just to make the sentences feel as complicated as possible. There were a LOT of cliches.
In the end, I found the book far more irritating than enjoyable. I want to read something from her husband, who everyone seems to love.
I’m going to share examples of some of the writing that I found just so hard to follow and bizarre. She was really trying to do the most.
“There is so much awareness in the interim, so much held in between. In this staccatoed knowing that echoes infinitely, life and death are not worlds apart. They are a chorus with no beginning and no end, each of them bending inward like time, undeniably and inextricably linked. I can finally hear it. In the melody of eternity, life and death are simply fermatas to an infinite refrain.”
“Pain and joy, beauty and terror, then and now: these experiences were not oppositional but complementary, necessary in the grand unsnarling of existence. And if these experiences were indeed complementary, then it was plausible that all emotions could be felt simultaneously.”
“you smiled the kind of smile that both excavates and buries—an enigmatic calamity that either suffocates or brings us up as something new.”
“Platitudes of light and darkness, joy and sorrow are peeled down and given new meaning. It is in this pulpy mess we are made. It is here we decide whether we’ll be smothered or take root.”
“I am a tree. I knew it when I put my hand on your lungs and felt an aching in my legs. It flowed through me and down to the ground. I rooted myself for stability. I laid my feet flat on the hospital floor and grounded myself to the earth, growing into the network that was there waiting to absorb the suffering. Energy cannot be destroyed, after all. It has to go somewhere. And like a season your pain was converted.”
“I am a ship out at sea, unmoored but afloat, somehow. I navigate the squall of grief, bow bending under the weight of memory.”
After the setup with Tommy being so sick, we pretty quickly moved into more of a personal memoir, a lot of which focused on the Mormon church, with which she seemed palpably angry. Totally fine if that's her prerogative, but I just couldn't figure out how all those Mormonism anecdotes had anything to do with a book about her husband's illness or why they were even included. Did we need to hear about her heroin-addicted boyfriend from when she was 19 or her college humanitarian trip that went wrong? What did that have to do with anything?
There was a lot about how she decided to go to BYU Hawaii and then how much she disliked it, but where was the stuff about meeting Rivs there (evidently, that's where they met, and he'd just returned from a Mormon mission) and their courtship, decision to get married, early marriage, etc. Instead we get weird stories about old boyfriends and bishops interviews, which I don't care about because they're not adding anything. If you feel compelled to include all the Mormon stuff, then why not close the loop and tell us where you and Rivs are with it today? You hate organized religion? You stayed Mormon? What's the end result of this religious story you've telling us throughout?
Then, it suddenly morphed from personal memoir back to her husband's terrible and unexplained illness and his fight to recover. I was just blown away by those details and the severity of his health issues and that he managed to pull through. Incredible.
But then we move into part 3, so to speak, which is evidently a collection of all the Instagram posts she wrote while he was in the hospital. They get progressively more overwrought and overwritten with every paragraph. So much of it, I was like, "what are you even trying to say here?" because it was just sooo obtuse and trying soooo hard that it was painful to sift through the extraneous words that seemed to be there just to make the sentences feel as complicated as possible. There were a LOT of cliches.
In the end, I found the book far more irritating than enjoyable. I want to read something from her husband, who everyone seems to love.
I’m going to share examples of some of the writing that I found just so hard to follow and bizarre. She was really trying to do the most.
“There is so much awareness in the interim, so much held in between. In this staccatoed knowing that echoes infinitely, life and death are not worlds apart. They are a chorus with no beginning and no end, each of them bending inward like time, undeniably and inextricably linked. I can finally hear it. In the melody of eternity, life and death are simply fermatas to an infinite refrain.”
“Pain and joy, beauty and terror, then and now: these experiences were not oppositional but complementary, necessary in the grand unsnarling of existence. And if these experiences were indeed complementary, then it was plausible that all emotions could be felt simultaneously.”
“you smiled the kind of smile that both excavates and buries—an enigmatic calamity that either suffocates or brings us up as something new.”
“Platitudes of light and darkness, joy and sorrow are peeled down and given new meaning. It is in this pulpy mess we are made. It is here we decide whether we’ll be smothered or take root.”
“I am a tree. I knew it when I put my hand on your lungs and felt an aching in my legs. It flowed through me and down to the ground. I rooted myself for stability. I laid my feet flat on the hospital floor and grounded myself to the earth, growing into the network that was there waiting to absorb the suffering. Energy cannot be destroyed, after all. It has to go somewhere. And like a season your pain was converted.”
“I am a ship out at sea, unmoored but afloat, somehow. I navigate the squall of grief, bow bending under the weight of memory.”
September 14, 2023
I wanted to love it but.... the author uses too many words to say nothing at all. All at once.
May 12, 2023
What a beautiful memoir by Stephanie Catudal in her dealing with her grief over her husband's and the toll it can take on one's life. This book is beautifully written. With recently losing a couple of close people in my life, this book hit hard. I just thought that her Instagram posts could have been intertwined with the book pages and not just all put at the end.
August 1, 2023
It’s so hard to rate memoirs because this is a person’s life. Steph is a great writer and she’s had a hell of a life, but I found myself bored with the redundancy. I have to admit I completely skipped the Instagram entries. In no way does this make me feel less empathetic for her or others in traumatic situations, but this book was a catharsis I couldn’t connect to.
March 21, 2023
I have followed Steph Catudal on social media for several years, since her husband’s mysterious illness came into the fore. Her writings on grief came at a time in my life when I was deeply mired in navigating loss myself. Her writing has always struck me as beautiful and honest and articulates a kind of reflection that I admire. Naturally, I jumped on the chance to read her memoir.
Catudal’s narrative shifts from present to past in a way that never feels forced or disorienting. Her reflections on the loss of her dad and the subsequent years she spent finding herself in the wake of such a significant loss serve as a fitting lens through which to view her husband’s fight for his life. And my God, what a fight it was. Rivs story, and the way his wife advocates for his care, is incredible. By the end of it all, the message is clear: Love, forgive, love, accept, love, lovelovelovelove.
Many thanks to NetGalley for the ARC.
Catudal’s narrative shifts from present to past in a way that never feels forced or disorienting. Her reflections on the loss of her dad and the subsequent years she spent finding herself in the wake of such a significant loss serve as a fitting lens through which to view her husband’s fight for his life. And my God, what a fight it was. Rivs story, and the way his wife advocates for his care, is incredible. By the end of it all, the message is clear: Love, forgive, love, accept, love, lovelovelovelove.
Many thanks to NetGalley for the ARC.
July 28, 2023
I didn’t know much about Rivs but after an episode of Ali on the Run I was intrigued. I’m in the minority who found the back and forth confusing and some of the language too flowery and soapbox-y. Granted I’d be a mess and really feel for her for what sounded like the worst version of hell. It sounds like she learned a lot about herself in the process.
May 4, 2023
Wowww just wow. I feel like this book deserves a two-part rating.
One, this is a four and a half star book. The memoir stands strong, cataloguing what it’s like to have a lived one go through an awful diagnosis on top of the pandemic. The writing was strong, the pain was real. I am never the best and raring these because obviously memoirs are real and it takes a lot of courage and strength to relive the most trying part of your life for other people to consume. 4.5 stars for concept, writing, and the whole “this is someone’s actual life” part.
Two, the layout of this book is laid out oddly. The first 80% is the memoir. The last 20% are posts from instagram. I feel like it would have made way more sense if it all flowed and the captions went together with the memoir. For me, it took away from the journey the family went on and the timeline.
Strong book, heartbreaking story and I think will resonate with anyone who’s ever lost a loved one, especially to cancer.
One, this is a four and a half star book. The memoir stands strong, cataloguing what it’s like to have a lived one go through an awful diagnosis on top of the pandemic. The writing was strong, the pain was real. I am never the best and raring these because obviously memoirs are real and it takes a lot of courage and strength to relive the most trying part of your life for other people to consume. 4.5 stars for concept, writing, and the whole “this is someone’s actual life” part.
Two, the layout of this book is laid out oddly. The first 80% is the memoir. The last 20% are posts from instagram. I feel like it would have made way more sense if it all flowed and the captions went together with the memoir. For me, it took away from the journey the family went on and the timeline.
Strong book, heartbreaking story and I think will resonate with anyone who’s ever lost a loved one, especially to cancer.
October 4, 2023
The constant poetic language was over the top, better suited for brief instagram posts than an entire book. I skimmed the entire second half and was still annoyed with her writing and incessant metaphors. With that said, the story of Rivs’ survival of stage 4 lymphoma is baffling and mind blowing.
January 14, 2024
Wow, just wow. I’m not sure exactly why I decided to read this book— a memoir from Steph about almost losing her ultra marathon running husband to lung cancer at the age of 32. I guess I was drawn to the miraculous story and thought I could take some perspective and wisdom from her experience. Her writing is just so beautiful. An amazing display of how dealing with her husband’s illness and near death experience helped heal trauma from her adolescence decades earlier. I really enjoyed the acknowledgement of how western medicine saved her husband, but also the equally important healing power of love. Her personal journal entries at the end of the book were my favorite part. She has such a way of approaching her writing as she is, writing exactly how she experiences things, not trying to change or mask— but rather be vulnerable and true to herself which I think allowed her to heal and feel so fully. Being a human is so complex, and yes we really do feel everything all at once. So inspiring and so beautiful to read!!!
July 12, 2023
This book, it will sit with me for a very long time. Steph speaks with such pure emotion. Her words are tainted with tragedy, yet somehow still painfully beautiful.
“Perfection was simply loving myself while broken, to move forward while human. To strive for nothing but accepting exactly where I was at”.
Just perfection.
“Perfection was simply loving myself while broken, to move forward while human. To strive for nothing but accepting exactly where I was at”.
Just perfection.
February 1, 2024
2.5 ⭐️
When story telling, this was engaging.
When reflective - I found it to be flowery and over written. All of the repetitive, poetic-adjacent musings of of “love” and “light” and “the pendulum” were exhausting and felt “mother-god” to me (Love Has Won: HBO)
Instead of the journal/instagram posts for the last 1/4 of the book I wish she would have just written what happened and where they are now
Overall Rivs story was incredible I just wish someone else had written this??
Definitely got choked up reading that Rivs walked the NYC marathon and it took him 9 hours in the epilogue
When story telling, this was engaging.
When reflective - I found it to be flowery and over written. All of the repetitive, poetic-adjacent musings of of “love” and “light” and “the pendulum” were exhausting and felt “mother-god” to me (Love Has Won: HBO)
Instead of the journal/instagram posts for the last 1/4 of the book I wish she would have just written what happened and where they are now
Overall Rivs story was incredible I just wish someone else had written this??
Definitely got choked up reading that Rivs walked the NYC marathon and it took him 9 hours in the epilogue
Read
September 12, 2025As a general rule, I don’t rate memoirs unless I am blown away by them, but I did struggle with this one. The story was compelling and there were parts that I found really gripping (like the parallels between watching her father and her husband waste away from illness and her shifting roles from daughter/sister to wife/mother) but for all the time spent on her rebellion following her father’s death that ultimately led to her meeting her husband in college, their actual meeting and marriage is mentioned in what felt like barely more than a single sentence. While I fully understand that this was Steph’s story to tell, I personally would have liked to have read more about THEM before Tommy’s illness. I also found myself lost in a lot of her vocabulary choices (sentences where there would be three or four large words I’d never heard before - that probably says more about me than the author 😂) and descriptions. Ultimately this is a pretty incredible story that I’m glad to have learned about, and I’m glad to have heard about it in Steph’s words, but this memoir as a whole just wasn’t really for me.
December 22, 2023
Beautiful and heart-breaking, yet full of hope and the truest power of love. I learned of this book from the Kate Bowler podcast, “Everything Happens”, and I’m very glad I read it. A favorite quote from the book, “Maybe strength isn’t holding things together, but knowing when to fall apart.”
January 17, 2024
Initially, I was going to rate this of 3.5 or a 3.75. It was beautifully written, but very depressing. Maybe it was more depressing due to being in my third trimester, and the hormones are everywhere, however, after reading the epilogue, I just kept saying wow! To see what Rivs had endured was amazing after everything he went through in 2020. Such a beautiful story. Ended up rating it a 4.25.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
July 10, 2023
It was touching how she talked about grief and her family
What got me to give a lower rating was it just got confusing for me and hard to follow when she was talking about the cosmos and the spiritual aspect of things
What got me to give a lower rating was it just got confusing for me and hard to follow when she was talking about the cosmos and the spiritual aspect of things
March 3, 2024
3.5 . Would love to hear more of how she met Riv, their relationship before he got sick, and his journey after going into remission. Got lost in metaphors and poetic writing at the end.
November 30, 2025
I’ve watched two people I loved die of cancer. Slowly, painfully.
My grandmother, who poured her whole heart into caring for her family, wanted only one thing at the end: for us to help end her pain. I was twelve, maybe thirteen, and I still feel the agony of knowing that all we could do was sit with her, share space, and witness her suffering. We could not take it from her. We could not do a single thing but watch her die.
Fuck cancer, and fuck the medical system that refuses to let people leave this world with dignity.
I also watched my first mentor and boxing coach battle colon cancer twice. Years of struggle. He was strong and resilient and a guiding force for so many of us. Over one final beer on a sunny day, he told me to say goodbye and not come back. He died days later. I still don’t know if he was protecting me from seeing those last moments, or if he was ashamed of what the cancer had taken from him. But I listened. And I never got to thank him for teaching me how to survive the world.
Steph Catudal’s memoir is a love letter to every one of us who has lived through this kind of grief. She writes in a way that makes you feel seen, in the messiest memories you carry—even the ones that still need repair.
Five stars. I hope it helps all who read it.
My grandmother, who poured her whole heart into caring for her family, wanted only one thing at the end: for us to help end her pain. I was twelve, maybe thirteen, and I still feel the agony of knowing that all we could do was sit with her, share space, and witness her suffering. We could not take it from her. We could not do a single thing but watch her die.
Fuck cancer, and fuck the medical system that refuses to let people leave this world with dignity.
I also watched my first mentor and boxing coach battle colon cancer twice. Years of struggle. He was strong and resilient and a guiding force for so many of us. Over one final beer on a sunny day, he told me to say goodbye and not come back. He died days later. I still don’t know if he was protecting me from seeing those last moments, or if he was ashamed of what the cancer had taken from him. But I listened. And I never got to thank him for teaching me how to survive the world.
Steph Catudal’s memoir is a love letter to every one of us who has lived through this kind of grief. She writes in a way that makes you feel seen, in the messiest memories you carry—even the ones that still need repair.
Five stars. I hope it helps all who read it.
April 10, 2024
6/5 stars. In several places, this book gave me chills. I can NEVER recall having that kind of physiological reaction to a book before. And if that doesn't say enough about how much I LOVED THIS BOOK, I'm not sure what will. I started this book and didn't want to put it down. I read it in two sittings! This book is beautifully written and many times felt like a prose poem.
This book is about dying and illness, but it's also about love, writing, the science and art of medicine, finding purpose in life, overcoming addiction, optimism and hope -- and about the people who are kind and help us navigate this world.
This book is A MUST READ for anyone who has had a loved one go through a medical event -- I imagine though, that even if you haven't dealt with a major medical issue, Steph Catudal's words will resonate with you.
I want this review to also be a reminder to my loved ones. If I am sick, I do NOT want a medical team to go to the measures Tommy's team did. Just let me die.
This book is about dying and illness, but it's also about love, writing, the science and art of medicine, finding purpose in life, overcoming addiction, optimism and hope -- and about the people who are kind and help us navigate this world.
This book is A MUST READ for anyone who has had a loved one go through a medical event -- I imagine though, that even if you haven't dealt with a major medical issue, Steph Catudal's words will resonate with you.
I want this review to also be a reminder to my loved ones. If I am sick, I do NOT want a medical team to go to the measures Tommy's team did. Just let me die.
July 16, 2023
This might not surprise anyone, but i've learned of Steph through Rivs, and of Rivs through Ifit.
At 37 years old, i decided to invest in myself and bought a threadmill. I soon got to know a lot of different trainers on the ifit supported system but for some reason, i got deeply interested in Rivs.
You very quickly see and come to the realisation that that man has a very special soul, and so i decided to google him for fun, and learned that he was in a coma...
From that moment on, i have followed him and his wife, hoping for the best.
I am soooo happy that you guys get this beautiful ending together, with ur beautiful girls.
The moment this book was out, i HAD to listen to it.
My mother started acting very strangely in Febuary 2023. A month later we learned that she had a very rare and deadly form of brain cancer. Me and my family are currently navigating that in-between space where grief has you in it's grip.....
This book could'nt have come at a better time for me. It had me thinking, feeling and realising a lot of things while trying to find my own way through my own struggles... and it helped. It really did.
Thank you Steph, for this beautiful piece of art that has moved me Oh so much, and i wish you and Rivs many, many, many years of beautiful adventures together.
At 37 years old, i decided to invest in myself and bought a threadmill. I soon got to know a lot of different trainers on the ifit supported system but for some reason, i got deeply interested in Rivs.
You very quickly see and come to the realisation that that man has a very special soul, and so i decided to google him for fun, and learned that he was in a coma...
From that moment on, i have followed him and his wife, hoping for the best.
I am soooo happy that you guys get this beautiful ending together, with ur beautiful girls.
The moment this book was out, i HAD to listen to it.
My mother started acting very strangely in Febuary 2023. A month later we learned that she had a very rare and deadly form of brain cancer. Me and my family are currently navigating that in-between space where grief has you in it's grip.....
This book could'nt have come at a better time for me. It had me thinking, feeling and realising a lot of things while trying to find my own way through my own struggles... and it helped. It really did.
Thank you Steph, for this beautiful piece of art that has moved me Oh so much, and i wish you and Rivs many, many, many years of beautiful adventures together.
August 11, 2023
Written with such a raw emotions and an enlightened understanding of the in-betweens of life/death, fear/awe, love/heartbreak. Feel honored to have been invited into the most difficult times of Steph’s life.
November 10, 2023
“It was beautiful. It was a miracle.”
Read this for my psychopathology class to understand contexts that influence a person’s diagnoses. Beautiful and heartbreaking and tear jerking.
Read this for my psychopathology class to understand contexts that influence a person’s diagnoses. Beautiful and heartbreaking and tear jerking.
November 17, 2023
Very generously rounded up from 3.4 stars
June 22, 2023
A beautiful, but gut-wrenching story. To know them and their love, I truly believe they are connected!!
August 25, 2023
Skipped parts, much could have been edited out and it would have been better honestly.
January 10, 2024
Wow I have so many thoughts about this book.
At times my reaction to the story felt visceral and brought back memories of my own struggles with family trauma, health, and faith. Though I feel she could have tied it into the story better, I found the author's journey in and out of Mormonism and finding some element of faith again to be interesting - but not necessarily additive.
I felt like the transition to her ECMO diaries was a little abrupt and had a hard time focusing while listening to the last 1.5 hours of the book. It was obviously a very reflective time for her. Although the writing was beautiful, I found this part a bit too repetitively metaphorical and it had me lost at times.
The epilogue that brought together the entire story if Rivs' medical journey was probably the most interesting part for me. I personally would have liked more of that woven into the book.
I enjoyed the concept of the memoir title and how she incorporated this into the story of feeling love, despair, hope, grief, anger, and gratitude all at once. I think a lot of us can relate to this when experiencing our own tragedies in life. Again, a bit repetitive on the concept toward the end but a beautifully written book and enjoyable listen nonetheless.
At times my reaction to the story felt visceral and brought back memories of my own struggles with family trauma, health, and faith. Though I feel she could have tied it into the story better, I found the author's journey in and out of Mormonism and finding some element of faith again to be interesting - but not necessarily additive.
I felt like the transition to her ECMO diaries was a little abrupt and had a hard time focusing while listening to the last 1.5 hours of the book. It was obviously a very reflective time for her. Although the writing was beautiful, I found this part a bit too repetitively metaphorical and it had me lost at times.
The epilogue that brought together the entire story if Rivs' medical journey was probably the most interesting part for me. I personally would have liked more of that woven into the book.
I enjoyed the concept of the memoir title and how she incorporated this into the story of feeling love, despair, hope, grief, anger, and gratitude all at once. I think a lot of us can relate to this when experiencing our own tragedies in life. Again, a bit repetitive on the concept toward the end but a beautifully written book and enjoyable listen nonetheless.
July 19, 2023
It is a well written memoir but didn’t connect with me. Not because of the topic but more because of its delivery. It is very personal and is for the author herself and not so much for the reader.
July 17, 2023
Absolutely beautiful.
December 7, 2023
One year and one day ago my father died. His name was Richard Joy and he was 59 years old. He was admitted to hospital with Guillain-Barré syndrome and died of cardiac arrest in just under three weeks. He was a healthy man, he didn't drink, he didn't smoke, he was always outdoors, he loved fixing things and working with his hands. He was forever tinkering and helping. He ran his own business and never retired.
I was 37 when my dad died. My children, Frank, Glen and May, were aged 6, 4 and 1.
I've been a runner for about 10 years, nothing serious, I run for my mental health and the physical side effects are a bonus. I started running with Rivs when my wife bought a treadmill for Christmas in 2021. At first I was put off by the idea as I really enjoy being outdoors. But I tried it out and only one trainer stood out, Rivs. He was engaging scientifically, anthropologically, and he was a real person. Someone I enjoyed spending time with. I didn't realise Rivs was sick until I'd ran with him for about a year.
When I saw that Stephanie had written a book, I was immediately interested, however, I was processing my own grief and wanted to time my reading correctly.
This book, this story, has helped me immensely.
Maybe the help is a totally contextual and personal experience, in some areas I really feel like I've had parallel experiences to both Steph and Rivs. This book spoke to me, sometimes shouting to me, as a father of young grieving children and as a son of a mourning mother.
I believe Steph is an intuitive and non-dualistic practitioner of empathy and is transparent in her formative experiences, she is someone on the path of her own heart, maybe that path is leading her to being a teacher. Maybe she is already there, as in reading this book, I have been taught some valuable lessons.
Many years ago, I read an interview with Frank Zappa, conducted by Matt Groening. This interview influenced me greatly, it just stuck under the surface of my consciousness, I think Steph has experienced something similar:
MG: Let's talk about your ideas about time.
Well, I think that everything is happening all the time, and the only reason why we think of time linearly is because we are conditioned to do it. That's because the human idea of stuff is it has a beginning and it has an end. I don't think that's necessarily true. You think of time as a constant, a spherical constant ...
MG: – in which –
– everything's happening all the time, always did, always will ...
MG: So this coffee cup –
– Was always full, and always empty –
MG: – and it's always being drunk and it's always being heated –
– And it's always being thrown, and the guy was always painting it, and so on and so forth. Everything is always.
MG: Why does this empty cup make sense to me?
I don't know.
MG: You know what I mean, though?
Is that a Zen question?
MG: No, why do I go, "Oh, I have already – the cup that I drank no longer appears to be full."
Well, that's because it is not full at this particular version of –
MG: Our perceptions?
We're dealing with time in a quasi-practical manner. We have devised our own personal universe and lifestyle that is ruled by time sliced this way, and we progress from notch to notch, day by day, and you just learn to meet your deadlines that way. That's only for human convenience. That, to me, is not a good explanation of how things really work. That's only the human perception version of how this work. It seems just as feasible to me that everything is happening all the time. And whether you believe your coffee cup is full or not is irrelevant. It's like – here's another way to explain it. What something is depends more on when it is than anything else. You can't define something accurately until you understand when it is.
MG: When in time.
Yeah, when is what. Without the perfect understanding of when, you've got nothing to deal with, see? 'Cause you analyze that cup of coffee a little bit earlier, and it's full. In a few minutes, you'll kick it over, and it won't even exist anymore. The state of the cup is determined by when you're perceiving it.
DM: Which means that the future has already happened.
Yeah. And the reason why I feel so strongly about this is, you know, this is one of the better explanations for why people can have premonitions, because instead of looking ahead, they're just looking around. You don't have to look ahead to see the future. You can look over there.
DM: That was going to be my next question. What limits our perceptions of other things or other times or the future?
I think you devise your own limits for your own personal convenience. There are some people who wish to have limits, and they'll invent as many boxes for themselves as they want. It's like, you know, men invented armor. They wanted to protect themselves from the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune and so forth. And people do the same thing psychically and psychologically. They build their own armor. They build their own rathole, whatever it is. And they choose their existence. Whether they do it consciously or whether it is helped along by a government or an education system, somebody is helping to shape this imaginary box you live in, but it doesn't have to be there.
DM: Then what are the limits to our being able to understand what the whole purpose of any of our lives is?
Well, why do you have to? I think that when is a very important thing, but "what the fuck" is also a very important thing to ask. Just keep asking, "What the fuck?" I mean, why the fuck bother? See what I mean? The important thing is, deal with the when. When will open a lot of shit for you. "What the fuck" really makes it easier to deal with it when you understand the when.
DM: You sound like a very mystical but common-sense guy, because you've always talked about the common sense solution as always the best solution to anything, and yet this is very mystical.
Why is it mystical? Can you understand that when is important? What's mystical about that?
DM: Well, not just that question so much as the idea that time is a Moebius vortex –
No, the shape of the universe is a Moebius vortex I believe that Time is a spherical constant. Now imagine a Moebius vortex inside a spherical constant, and you've got my cosmology. But when is very important.
MG: How does music composition fit into that?
It's just something that you do. You know, I can do it, so I do it. You can draw cartoons and so you do it, and you can make people laugh and you do it. And that's what you do. And if somebody tried to keep you from doing it, you'd kill them, wouldn't you?
MG: Yes. See, I judge the universe by pencil mileage.
That's a pretty linear kind of thing. And the callus on my finger. I used to get that when I wrote with a pen. In fact, this finger right here has a permanent dent right in that bone from just holding that nub of a pen, and going [choking, strugging sound] like with those little dots, and now I get cramps in this arm from holding my thumb like this to do a certain move on the keypad to make the Synclavier do something. But in the larger scheme of things, what's a little nub in your finger or a twisted thumb? So long as somebody gets a laugh out of it, what the fuck?
Thank you for allowing this insight into your life and your experiences. It wouldn't have been easy to open these doors. I'd really like to meet you and your husband and your family someday.
Love from Dean Joy in Newcastle, Australia.
I was 37 when my dad died. My children, Frank, Glen and May, were aged 6, 4 and 1.
I've been a runner for about 10 years, nothing serious, I run for my mental health and the physical side effects are a bonus. I started running with Rivs when my wife bought a treadmill for Christmas in 2021. At first I was put off by the idea as I really enjoy being outdoors. But I tried it out and only one trainer stood out, Rivs. He was engaging scientifically, anthropologically, and he was a real person. Someone I enjoyed spending time with. I didn't realise Rivs was sick until I'd ran with him for about a year.
When I saw that Stephanie had written a book, I was immediately interested, however, I was processing my own grief and wanted to time my reading correctly.
This book, this story, has helped me immensely.
Maybe the help is a totally contextual and personal experience, in some areas I really feel like I've had parallel experiences to both Steph and Rivs. This book spoke to me, sometimes shouting to me, as a father of young grieving children and as a son of a mourning mother.
I believe Steph is an intuitive and non-dualistic practitioner of empathy and is transparent in her formative experiences, she is someone on the path of her own heart, maybe that path is leading her to being a teacher. Maybe she is already there, as in reading this book, I have been taught some valuable lessons.
Many years ago, I read an interview with Frank Zappa, conducted by Matt Groening. This interview influenced me greatly, it just stuck under the surface of my consciousness, I think Steph has experienced something similar:
MG: Let's talk about your ideas about time.
Well, I think that everything is happening all the time, and the only reason why we think of time linearly is because we are conditioned to do it. That's because the human idea of stuff is it has a beginning and it has an end. I don't think that's necessarily true. You think of time as a constant, a spherical constant ...
MG: – in which –
– everything's happening all the time, always did, always will ...
MG: So this coffee cup –
– Was always full, and always empty –
MG: – and it's always being drunk and it's always being heated –
– And it's always being thrown, and the guy was always painting it, and so on and so forth. Everything is always.
MG: Why does this empty cup make sense to me?
I don't know.
MG: You know what I mean, though?
Is that a Zen question?
MG: No, why do I go, "Oh, I have already – the cup that I drank no longer appears to be full."
Well, that's because it is not full at this particular version of –
MG: Our perceptions?
We're dealing with time in a quasi-practical manner. We have devised our own personal universe and lifestyle that is ruled by time sliced this way, and we progress from notch to notch, day by day, and you just learn to meet your deadlines that way. That's only for human convenience. That, to me, is not a good explanation of how things really work. That's only the human perception version of how this work. It seems just as feasible to me that everything is happening all the time. And whether you believe your coffee cup is full or not is irrelevant. It's like – here's another way to explain it. What something is depends more on when it is than anything else. You can't define something accurately until you understand when it is.
MG: When in time.
Yeah, when is what. Without the perfect understanding of when, you've got nothing to deal with, see? 'Cause you analyze that cup of coffee a little bit earlier, and it's full. In a few minutes, you'll kick it over, and it won't even exist anymore. The state of the cup is determined by when you're perceiving it.
DM: Which means that the future has already happened.
Yeah. And the reason why I feel so strongly about this is, you know, this is one of the better explanations for why people can have premonitions, because instead of looking ahead, they're just looking around. You don't have to look ahead to see the future. You can look over there.
DM: That was going to be my next question. What limits our perceptions of other things or other times or the future?
I think you devise your own limits for your own personal convenience. There are some people who wish to have limits, and they'll invent as many boxes for themselves as they want. It's like, you know, men invented armor. They wanted to protect themselves from the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune and so forth. And people do the same thing psychically and psychologically. They build their own armor. They build their own rathole, whatever it is. And they choose their existence. Whether they do it consciously or whether it is helped along by a government or an education system, somebody is helping to shape this imaginary box you live in, but it doesn't have to be there.
DM: Then what are the limits to our being able to understand what the whole purpose of any of our lives is?
Well, why do you have to? I think that when is a very important thing, but "what the fuck" is also a very important thing to ask. Just keep asking, "What the fuck?" I mean, why the fuck bother? See what I mean? The important thing is, deal with the when. When will open a lot of shit for you. "What the fuck" really makes it easier to deal with it when you understand the when.
DM: You sound like a very mystical but common-sense guy, because you've always talked about the common sense solution as always the best solution to anything, and yet this is very mystical.
Why is it mystical? Can you understand that when is important? What's mystical about that?
DM: Well, not just that question so much as the idea that time is a Moebius vortex –
No, the shape of the universe is a Moebius vortex I believe that Time is a spherical constant. Now imagine a Moebius vortex inside a spherical constant, and you've got my cosmology. But when is very important.
MG: How does music composition fit into that?
It's just something that you do. You know, I can do it, so I do it. You can draw cartoons and so you do it, and you can make people laugh and you do it. And that's what you do. And if somebody tried to keep you from doing it, you'd kill them, wouldn't you?
MG: Yes. See, I judge the universe by pencil mileage.
That's a pretty linear kind of thing. And the callus on my finger. I used to get that when I wrote with a pen. In fact, this finger right here has a permanent dent right in that bone from just holding that nub of a pen, and going [choking, strugging sound] like with those little dots, and now I get cramps in this arm from holding my thumb like this to do a certain move on the keypad to make the Synclavier do something. But in the larger scheme of things, what's a little nub in your finger or a twisted thumb? So long as somebody gets a laugh out of it, what the fuck?
Thank you for allowing this insight into your life and your experiences. It wouldn't have been easy to open these doors. I'd really like to meet you and your husband and your family someday.
Love from Dean Joy in Newcastle, Australia.
July 22, 2023
I had followed Rivs' and Steph's story as it occurred in real time in 2020-2021. As a fellow Arizonan familiar with the medical field and a former cancer patient myself, I watched with awe as Steph shared the details of such a painful and scary time with the world. This book does that on a grander scale. If you thought her IG posts were beautiful, this book puts those to shame. I cried several times while reading this- she does an amazing job of making you really feel the pain and heartache of the trauma she and Rivs endured. A truly beautiful book and a true story worth reading for those who feel lost, or who a grieving, or that may be going through something similar.
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