The Soul of Civility: Timeless Principles to Heal Society and Ourselves

by Alexandra Hudson

Alexandra Hudson, daughter of the "Manners Lady," was raised to respect others. But as she grew up, Hudson discovered a difference between politeness—a superficial appearance of good manners—and true civility. In this timely book, Hudson sheds light on how civility can help bridge our political divide.

From classical philosophers like Epictetus, to great twentieth-century thinkers like Martin Luther King Jr., to her own experience working in the federal government during one of the most politically fraught eras in our nation's history, Hudson examines how civility—a respect for the personhood and dignity of others—transcends political disagreements. Respecting someone means valuing them enough to tell them when you think they are wrong.

It’s easy to look at the divided state of the world and blame our leaders, the media, or our education system. Instead, we should focus on what we can ourselves. The Soul of Civility empowers readers to live tolerantly with others despite deep differences, and to rigorously protest wrongs and debate issues rather than silencing disagreements. A robust public discourse is essential to a truly civil society, and respecting others means telling hard truths. If enough of us decide to change ourselves, we might be able to change the world we live in, too.

Provocative, personal, and acutely relevant, The Soul of Civility is an essential book for our era.

Genres: Nonfiction, Philosophy, Self Help, Politics, Society, Social Science, Cultural

400 pages, Kindle Edition

Published October 10, 2023

About the author

ALEXANDRA HUDSON is a writer, popular speaker, and the founder of Civic Renaissance, a publication and intellectual community dedicated to beauty, goodness and truth. She was named the 2020 Novak Journalism Fellow, and contributes to Fox News, CBS News, The Wall Street Journal, USA Today, TIME Magazine, POLITICO Magazine, and Newsweek. She earned a master's degree in public policy at the London School of Economics as a Rotary Scholar, and is an adjunct professor at the Indiana University Lilly School of Philanthropy. She is also the creator of a series for The Teaching Company called Storytelling and The Human Condition, now available for streaming. She lives in Indianapolis, IN with her husband and children.

Reviews

[Em · Rating 4 out of 5]

The Soul of Civility by Alexandra Hudson is a master course on how a fundamental respect and appreciation for the personhood of others allows us to thrive in community with one another. By providing readers with an in depth history of civility as the foundational building block of society, Hudson makes the argument that civility is the lifeline of human life. She points out of the ways we have failed one another, all of the ways we use one another to get our needs met, and all of the ways we intentionally or unintentionally use politeness as a means of manipulation and control.

I really appreciated her vast exploration of the ways common decency, courtesy, and politeness have been used as a mean of disarming folx in the margins and how this has caused harm within many of our intersectional communities. Her take on what healing requires using the philosphical reflections of thought leaders was interesting to read and really thought provoking.

This is a great read for those who want to learn more about how we can lead a peaceful coexistence with our fellow human beings who may or may not have very different experiences than us.

Thank you to the author and publisher for the e-arc copy!

[Ericka Andersen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Alexandra Hudson is a beautiful writer who is able to showcase the history and importance of civility in a variety of powerful ways. She writes with knowledge and persuasion on a topic that is SO IMPORTANT for such a time as this. We live in such a divided, disrespectful world, but the Soul of Civility draws us back to meaningful ideas and principles that can truly be of service to relationships, communities and the world at large. I hope everyone will read this vital book. We can all learn from it.

[TJS · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was taken aback, even flabbergasted, when I read, on page 27, “if you think of examples that support or add to my argument, please write to me. If you have ideas or examples that contradict my argument, do keep those to yourself.” Oh, my.

This porcupineish (I know, not a word) passage was immediately followed by this contradictory one: “My hope is that this book helps us continue a long-standing conversation ....”

Perhaps I was misunderstanding something. Maybe it was meant to be humorous, though the preceding pages didn’t suggest humor was in store. In any event, I didn’t stick around to find out.

Leaving that aside, we need more civility, so if The Soul of Civility advances that cause, I’m all for it.

[Literary Redhead · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this guide helpful after attending a party where political discourse was anything but civil. The author distinguishes between superficial politeness and genuine civility, in which differences of opinion are discussed robustly, while valuing other persons and perspectives. Recommended!

[Jason Reed · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a delightful and necessary piece of writing. Alexandra Hudson's graceful style of writing combined with her clarion call for civility makes the book tough to put down. Highly recommended!

[Dona's Books · Rating 4 out of 5]

Full review on my blog!

Thank you to the author Alexandra Hudson, publishers St. Martin's Press and SMPI, for an advance digital copy of THE SOUL OF CIVILITY. Thank you also to NetGalley for the widget. All views are mine.



Opening Quote: "Do not do unto others whatever is injurious to yourself. --The Gathas, the Writings of Zarathustra... between 3000 and 2000 BC." (loc.1260)

Opening Quote: "Civility is communicative moral conduct." (loc.3799)

Three (or more) things I loved:

1. I love the focus on distinguishing civility from politeness, where politeness is a collection of superficial behaviors that are mostly demanded as a social requirement of some sort. Whereas civility is behavior informed by deep personal belief, compassion, or justice, to start.

...

4. I don't love every sentence of it, but I generally do love the guidelines Hudson provides called "How to Promote Tolerance and Diminish Partisanship" at loc.3740. Number 9 is my favorite. More on my blog ....

5. Great definition of forgiveness: "Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. It doesn’t mean allowing the same people or types of people to repeatedly harm us. Nor does forgiveness mean sweeping grievances under the rug, failing to confront the hurt in our own souls or confronting others with the hurt they’ve done to us. Forgiveness requires accountability, personal responsibility. It means respecting ourselves and others enough to be honest with them about the harm they may have caused." (loc. 5190)

Rating: 🫒🫒🫒🫒 olive branch
Recommend? Yes!
Finished: Oct 7 23
Format: Digital arc, Kindle, NetGalley
Read this book if you like:
ℹ️ nonfiction
👨‍🎓 philosophy and ethics
🏙 society and culture
🗣 communication

[Dave Courtney · Rating 3 out of 5]

"Politeness is easy. Civility requires effort."
- Alexandra Hudson (The Soul of Civility)

In her book exploring the idea of civility as a healing practice, Hudson points out the problem of definitions. Words have origins, but definitions are not static. They change over time based on culture and context.

Such is the case with the words polite and civil, two distinct words that have become synonymous in western culture. Look them up in the dictionary, Hudson suggests, and you will notice that both words are caught in a circular force of meaning. Civil is defined as polite, and polite is defined as simple, a fact that says more about our present culture than the words themselves.

So what if one believes that civility is distinct from politeness, and that recovering this distinctiveness is crucial and necessary to growing as a society precisely because politeness is part of the problem? How does one navigate the act of trying to recover a words definition while simultaneously redefining it against its shared usage in our present context? You dedicate a whole book to establishing a fresh foundation to work from.

So where do we locate the differences between politeness:
1. Politeness is focused on externals and actions. Civility is based internally on the fundamental values underlying discourse and social function. The foundation of civility is the assumed dignity of the other.
2. Politeness is a functional tool which can be "weaponized to silence and suppress disagreement." Civility cannot be weaponized because it puts the assumed dignity of the other at the center rather than the disagreement
3. Politeness is defined in its Latin origins as polishing or making smooth, which is all about diminishing disagreements. It adheres to the rules of a given social order. This is how politeness can be used to seek power and control over the other. Civility is defined in its Latin origin as the status, conduct, and character beffiting a citizen. It is about a "general attitude toward life WITH others."
4. Politeness seeks validation, civility validates
5. Politeness ignores and diminishes, civility grapples with and respects
6. Politeness thrives on creating bubbles and avoiding discourse. Civility demands connectiveness, communication and discourse across differences, something we've lost the ability to do.
7. Politeness is about the immediate. Civility takes time and investment.
8. Politeness is about establishing status. Civility is about defining and locating our humanness.
9. Politeness is about law and order. Civility is about philosophy and ethics.

These differences matter precisely because "the human condition is a paradox defined by greatness and wretchedness." As Hudson notes, "We each lead interdependent and multidimensional lives, but often deny it. We underestimate how much our negative actions can affect people for the worse, and how positive actions can affect people for the better."

For as good and insightful and important as all of this is, it is on this last point that the book ends up falling a bit short when it comes to the force of its argumen and its aims. On the final page of the book she asserts that "we are more in control of our emotions- and of our responses to our emotions- than we realize. A romanticized notion to be sure, but it's a claim that requires a foundation, a prior assumption about the nature of reality, life, self, the will, and humanity that is able to both assert and qualify this statement as one that is able to fairly assume both responsibility and obligation. The problem is that her attempts to establish a foundation aren't very strong. Not coincidentally, these words belong to a final chapter called misplaced meaning and forgiveness, where the assumptions about responsibility and obligations towards civilly as a virtue are perhaps at their most loftiest. The words "we must" ring out in relationship to reclaiming "pursuits and values" that bring us joy and give our lives meaning. Why? Because, as it is outlined, "democracy, our freedom, and human flourishing depend on this." That's a lot of assumptions to make without doing the necessary work to demonstrate the givenness of these things.

She says a few times over that civility is the basic respect we are owed "by virtue of our shared dignity and equal moral worth as human beings." She also states that "community and relationship are the highest end of the human experience." She talks about civility having a transcendent quality that gives it its authority over our lives (p306). Gives it its soul, it's agency if you will, over us and for us to embody. Over and over again she anchors the problem using sharp binaries built from the basic notion that we are self driven beings, a fact which clash with our aocial natures. Self love, or love of self, exists as the driving nature of our existence and our survival, but when we exist together it creates a tension that then carries with it the natural embededness of chaos and order as states in contest. Civility seeks order within the chaos of our love of self by its nature, and yet nature sees chaos as necessary to order, a conundrum she leaves quietly to the side. All of the sharply drawn binaries fit into this basic function of reality-With such vigor in fact that it is percieved to be able to lay claim to the myriad of assumptions layed out above that are necessary to its premise without appealing to the demands of reason and rational argumentation. We can just say that humanity is owed something and that humanity's inherent value is enough to obligate us towards civility, and let that be it's own evidence.

At one point she says that "civility... requires us to make the sacrifices necessary for society and civilization." Why though, and to what end? And what happens when history tells us this is not how rhe world works? How nature works? How order works? What happens when upholding this romanticized ideal forces us to ignore reason and logic? Ignore reality? What then brings in that stated responsibility and obligation?

She does a curious thing anchoring this book in the first chapter in the Epic of Gilgamesh. Not only because she attempts to ignore its claims to the transcendent realities operating in the background of its story in favor of reducing it fo metaphorical and purely functional readings (as to say hey, look at what's written into our evolutionary history ), but also because she appeals equally and in the same way to the Hebrew and Christian scriptures. What happens when you sit these stories side by side and you are forced fo attend for their differences? She just pretends like this doesn't exist, reappropriating the meaning of both stories in service of her own appeal to different transcendent virtues and aims. She treats the story of Jesus similarly, trying to use his life, absent of its own narrative context, as an example of moral obligation to be civil in action. Why? She doesn't qualify any of it. By saying that politeness is a function and civility is a value that gives meaning to our actions, she leaves herself beholden to navigating the functionality of civility, which is what this book actually does, by freely imposing a transcendent quality on to something that by its essence is not this. There is no good reason why civility should have more authority than politeness, it is just assumed to be so. This gets reinforced by stripping her view of reality of its ability to appeal to actual transcendent qualities.

This all becomes a muddled mess of an argument, even though there is lots of good to take away from it in parts and sections, especially if you have a worldview that is able to make room for it. Civility, within her worldview, isn't any less self concerned than politeness when you actually look at what it is. Civility cannot manage and adhere to progress without abandoning and subverting its own premises when it needs to. Things like equality and the assumed dignity of all humans are illusions at best. They are things that demand sacrificing m these very values in order to be achieved in the first place. A thriving society does not need an obligation to globalization, and in fact arguably thrives better without it. The quakitative harshness of entropy is ordered nature by law, and to arrive at the assumptions Hudson wants to make about civility she must appeal to a higher order in order to subvert it. To make this about something other than matters of survival and thriving, both of which are self serving aims by their nature, she needs to do the work of building an actual foundation that can allow civility to actually gain its agency over our lives. Otherwise it's just nature doing its thing, and we function within that according to our illusions of meaning. It all sounds nice, and it might even make me feel and function better according to the natural order of things to be more civil to a degree, but it's far from making any rational claims about reality or given values. Just talk to someone who feels like revolution and resistance is needed, the primary markers of that thing we call democracy, and you'll see how fleeting civility as a value can be. Just look at the nature of the systems and structures that define our civilizations and you'll see how inconsistent civility as a value can be. Look at the construct of the self and you'll see how shaky civility as a value can be. It might sound nice and quaint to give it a transcendent quality, but life will have its way of exposing that pretty quickly if we are resting everythung in a materialist viewpoint

[Maher Razouk · Rating 5 out of 5]

كان جلجامش ملكًا لمدينة أوروك السومرية القديمة، مزيجًا من إنسان وإله، ولم يكن مشهوراً بالخلق الحسن. عاث فسادًا في مدينته، وتلذذ بإيذاء مواطنيه. كان أهل أوروك يخشون نزوات حاكمهم وبطشه. عاش جلجامش دون مراعاة لأحد. أجبر مواطنيه على تشييد مبانٍ عامة فخمة. كان يأخذ ما يشاء ممن يشاء متى شاء. توسل أهل أوروك إلى آلهتهم طلبًا للمساعدة. استجابت الآلهة لنداءاتهم، فخلقت إنكيدو، رجلًا بدائيًا أشعثًا متوحشًا، صنعوه من الطين ليهزم جلجامش ويحرر أهل أوروك من حكم الطاغية المتهور.

وصل إنكيدو إلى أوروك وتحدى جلجامش. بدأت المعركة، جابوا خلالها شوارع المدينة لأيام متواصلة. كان أهل أوروك يترقبون بدهشة وترقب قلق: من سينتصر؟

بعد قتال طويل وشاق، استسلم إنكيدو، معلنًا جلجامش محاربًا لا يُقهر. ثم حدث ما لا يُصدق: عرض إنكيدو على جلجامش صداقته، فهزم عدوه بتحويله إلى رجل صالح. منح عرض إنكيدو للصداقة جلجامش الدافع ليصبح شخصًا وملكًا أفضل، بل وبطلًا مثاليًا. غيّرت صداقة إنكيدو جلجامش إلى الأبد، فلم يعد يستغل ضعفاء أوروك.

تُلقي هذه القصة في بداية ملحمة جلجامش الضوء على العديد من الحقائق المهمة حول الحالة الإنسانية. يروي لنا السرد لماذا كانت الوقاحة دائمًا، وستظل دائمًا، مشكلة تواجه المجتمعات البشرية في جميع الأوقات والأماكن.

تُحدد الحالة الإنسانية قوتان متنافستان: حبنا للآخرين، وحبنا لأنفسنا. نحن كائنات اجتماعية لا تشبع. نتوق إلى العيش معًا في مجتمع، إلا أن حبنا لأنفسنا - ورغبتنا في السيطرة على إخواننا البشر - سيظل دائمًا عاملاً مهدداً للمشروع الاجتماعي البشري. كان جلجامش حاكمًا لأعظم مدينة في عصره - ومع ذلك فقد أعماه حبه لذاته ورغبته في السيطرة، مما أدى إلى إساءة معاملته لأكثر مواطنيه ضعفًا. أحيانًا، عندما نسمح لحبنا لأنفسنا بإيذاء الآخرين، نكشف أن جزءًا من جلجامش مازال يكمن في كلّ منا. عندما نسمح لجلجامش الكامن فينا بالظهور، فإننا نقوض المشروع الاجتماعي.
.
Alexandra Hudson
The Soul of Civility
Translated By #Maher_Razouk

[Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Soul of Civility is an inspiring call to recover civility not as a tool or a means to an end but as a virtue and constant life practice for human flourishing. Author Alexandra O’Hudson effortlessly weaves together words of wisdom and colorful anecdotes from ancient philosophers, theologians, world rulers, and manners books to modern historians, politicians, humanitarians, and scholars to clearly demonstrate the necessity of civility– as opposed to oppressive politeness.

I grew up poor, in a community that acted with civic virtue and that held contempt for specific rules of politeness. Despite being a caring community, I’m not sure we ever thought of ourselves as acting with civility– I always perceived civility as the rules that rich people used to denigrate and patronize me. As I became an adult working in politics, I felt resentment against the rules that people called civility because I felt were used to discount my voice. It’s made me better at my job to empathize with the barriers perceived by many Reds and working-class Blues and over time, I’ve learned that many people use civility with the best of intent. Even so, I still chafed sometimes at the word, “civility.”

No more. The Soul of Civility restored warmth in my heart for the word and helped me reframe my previous frustration as properly being with the practice of politeness instead. “Politeness,” Alexandra writes, “can be and has been weaponized to penalize difference, oppress vulnerable populations and voices, and silence dissent.” It felt like she was speaking specifically to my experience. Conversely, practicing civility leads to “multidimensional human flourishing.” Civility, she argues, requires us to “combat our innate self-love, care for those in need, and show humanity to our friends and enemies alike.”

As a Christian, Alexandra convincingly argues for a society governed by “norms that subvert the ego” as Jesus Christ did– valuing “compassion and love for others” more highly than “complying with the rules of right conduct,” or in other words, “maintaining the spirit of the law over the letter of the law.” Subverting the ego and keeping our self-love at a level that enables us to maintain community with people across differences is not just a practice for Christians. Civic virtue is a timeless practice for community health, institutional stability, and relational warmth. Braver Angels ground rules (like the rule that we describe our own views and avoid characterizing the views of others) thrive under this idea. The point of our rules is not militant enforcement, each participant listening for someone to say something they think is polarizing or stereotyping. The goal is not perfect "politeness." Instead, the goal is to understand the “substance and motivation” behind a person’s words and actions while avoiding hypocrisy of our own.

The Soul of Civility should be a clarion call. In my time promoting civic renewal, I’ve often run across organizations celebrating civility that instead feel oppressively polite. As Alexandra concludes, “...peaceful coexistence is challenging and fragile. It requires vigilant nurturing.” The desire to dominate (“libido dominandi”) lives strongly in human nature and without purposeful effort, we’re prone to replace civility with politeness even in our own lives. “Running from disagreement, or pretending differences don’t exist, is not an option. Being overcome by the battles and chaos of the world is a recipe for despondency. Building habits of personal renewal involves recovering pursuits that nourish our souls.” Building strong community across differences is a pursuit that nourishes my soul and I hope that the personal “transforming of our hearts” is something that nourishes yours, too.

[Tom Schulte · Rating 4 out of 5]

I first learned of this daughter of Judith Martin, Miss Manners, the American columnist, author, and etiquette authority from talks I watched online such as this All CDDRL event. I subscribed to her insightful, supportive newsletter and ever since, I have been meaning to get to the book, which I am glad I have.

In exploring the practical application of deep, character-building civility ("...Civility is a disposition that recognizes and respects the common humanity...") over the mere superficiality of politeness, she surveys and abstracts for us from the world's literature on the subject going all the way back to The Maxims of Ptahhotep . The commonalities she brings out align much with my philosophy I aspire to, such as conducing myself as one that "...Recognizes our shared humanity and the irreducible dignity we all share as human beings."

Going back another generation, she shares a superpower she learned of from her grandmother:

My grandmother had an exquisite ability to see beyond someone’s world-weary,
calloused exterior, and to see them as a person first—someone who likely was in need of a word or act of kindness that day. Even if people brushed her off, she didn’t take it personally: she knew it was more likely about them than a reflection on her. She appreciated an oft-forgotten truth: much aggression, hostility, and incivility that defines our contemporary culture originates from people’s failure to see themselves as they really are —as beings with inherent, irreducible dignity and objective worth.

I meet a lot of ice-breaker questions at meetings. One of the most common is something of the form, "What superpower would you choose?" Next time my answer will be, "unoffendability."

Reclaim the superpower of unoffendability. When someone says something that you do not like, or find offensive, reclaim your power over the situation—and save your emotional energy—by choosing not to be offended.

[Briann · Rating 3 out of 5]

I never expected to read an entire book on civility. Not exactly a nailbiter, but it is still relatively well-researched and interesting. The author could have made the book more nuanced. For example, rules of civility were often harsher and more restrictive for women. Yet another way for women to be policed by society. Also, rules of civility are often used as a means to judge others and propagate injustice.

[Vance Ginn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Lexi Hudson provides an excellent book on America's need for civility, not just politeness. The breakdown of civility is from many factors, but the influence of it on our politics, exchanges, and more is costly. She provides many great stories explaining this. This shines through with her stories of her mom, grandmother, and Christian faith. At a time when the lack of civility seems overwhelming, there is hope based on her writings in this book. Please read it yourself, and don’t miss her recent appearance on my Let People Prosper Show podcast.

[Richard Derus · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rating: 5* of five

The Publisher Says: Alexandra Hudson, daughter of the "Manners Lady," was raised to respect others. But as she grew up, Hudson discovered a difference between politeness―a superficial appearance of good manners―and true civility. In this timely book, Hudson sheds light on how civility can help bridge our political divide.

From classical philosophers like Epictetus, to great twentieth-century thinkers like Martin Luther King Jr., to her own experience working in the federal government during one of the most politically fraught eras in our nation's history, Hudson examines how civility―a respect for the personhood and dignity of others―transcends political disagreements. Respecting someone means valuing them enough to tell them when you think they are wrong.

It’s easy to look at the divided state of the world and blame our leaders, the media, or our education system. Instead, we should focus on what we can accomplish ourselves. The Soul of Civility empowers readers to live tolerantly with others despite deep differences, and to rigorously protest wrongs and debate issues rather than silencing disagreements. A robust public discourse is essential to a truly civil society, and respecting others means telling hard truths. If enough of us decide to change ourselves, we might be able to change the world we live in, too.

Provocative, personal, and acutely relevant, The Soul of Civility is an essential book for our era.

I RECEIVED A DRC FROM THE PUBLISHER VIA NETGALLEY. THANK YOU.

My Review: A definition and an etymology:

civility /sĭ-vĭl′ĭ-tē/, noun.
Courteous behavior; politeness.
A courteous act or utterance.
The state of society in which the relations and duties of a citizen are recognized and obeyed; a state of civilization.
•
civility (n.) late 14c., "status of a citizen," from Old French civilite (14c.), from Latin civilis "relating to a citizen, relating to public life, befitting a citizen; popular, affable, courteous" (see civil). Later especially "good citizenship" (1530s). Also "state of being civilized" (1540s); "behavior proper to civilized persons" (1560s).
The source of civility, then, is the same as the source of citizenship and civilization. All of these are concepts for the state of living together; the implication is, in harmony or at least not at daggers drawn. These concepts then give rise to the precepts that make the concepts concrete...from adjective to noun.

The ideas in this book are very much attempts to concretize the concept of being civil, being a citizen among citizens, to allow and encourage a general state of civility to flourish in wider society. The very best way, in centuries of study on the subject, to effect this change is to begin in one's own self. Applying the principles of civility feels impossible when one sees so little evidence for it outside one's orbit...often enough inside it. The idea of this book is to afford the reader some evidence that this internal work is, in fact, a worthwhile use of time and effort.

I'll tell my own story: I live (involuntarily if you're wondering as well as inalterably for complicated reasons I cannot control) with someone I deeply dislike and look down on, an active alcoholic who possesses no sense of his own affect on others whether drunk or sober. I'm never going to think of someone like that as worthy of respect. However, he is. And applying Author Hudson's definition of forgiveness as regards his behaviors' effects on me:

Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. It doesn’t mean allowing the same people or types of people to repeatedly harm us. Nor does forgiveness mean sweeping grievances under the rug, failing to confront the hurt in our own souls or confronting others with the hurt they’ve done to us. Forgiveness requires accountability, personal responsibility. It means respecting ourselves and others enough to be honest with them about the harm they may have caused.

...has made a huge difference in how my day-to-day life feels to me. I take accountability for the harms my judgment and anger cause; I offer myself forgiveness; and resolve to do better. Every single time I have applied this principle, I have experienced a positive change in his behavior. It is a process; it has fits and starts; I fail, he fails...but the point remains that, after seven years of angry resentment and much blaming and shaming from me to him, differences are stark and plain when they occur.

I think the fact that they *can* occur in this fraught a situation is proof that the author's point...being civil calls forth better from not only one's self but the others in our civilized orbit...is correct, and her instructional writing is very helpful.

Will it work in all situations? It has in all the situations where I have applied it, from angry, unhappy service providers to rude drunks. I'm pretty sure that's a testimonial to the conscious application of the learning I derived from this read.

It's a pleasant task to follow this erudite woman as she offers her learning to us. The fact is her beginnings in a world governed by manners is an enviably high platform from which to jump into the long, long history of writing on the subject of civility and its applications. I encourage even the most mannerly to engage with this expansion of the need for, and reasons behind, the practice of them in the society we live within.

[Beauregard Bottomley]

Goodreads didn't have the Great Course Lecture, 'Storytelling and the Human Condition', and since I like to track all the books I read, I'm putting this book on my 'read' list of books.

[Jeff · Rating 4 out of 5]

Exceptional Bordering On Transcendental, With A Few Flaws. If you, like me, read David French's 2020 book Divided We Fall and were utterly *terrified* of just how real its scenarios sounded (particularly given that one of them later began to become true)... you need to read this book. If you, like me, read James A. Morone's 2020 book (indeed, published just days before French's) Republic of Wrath and saw that despite the paranoia and fearmongering of today's media, punditry, and even citizenry, the US has always had a great deal of heat and vitriol in its civil discourse (and in fact was far worse in earlier periods of our shared history) - but that doesn't mean our particular era isn't pretty damn bad itself... you need to read this book. If you, like me, simply observe and even discuss politics with a "pox on all your houses" attitude as an independent thinker aligned with no particular group... you need to read this book. And if you, like me, genuinely wish for a return to a more civil era - if there ever actually was one, in fact rather than in nostalgia - ... you need to read this book.

Quite simply, Hudson here does for the topic of civility what Morone did for overall vitriol in American politics or Radley Balko did for the rise of the Police State in America in his 2012 book Rise of the Warrior Cop - and that is, bring a relatively full historical examination of the topic, beginning with the most ancient of texts known to humanity and bringing it all the way to the exact context we see as this book is released to the public in the next few days after I write this review. She even manages to look at the topic *globally*, incorporating thoughts on civility from several different major and influential civilizations over the course of history - and not just Western, but also at least some Eastern thinking as well. Along the way, we do in fact see some of the "usual suspects" such as perhaps Erasmus, St. Augustine, Voltaire, CS Lewis, MLK Jr, and Gandhi. But we even see other thinkers such as Thoreau, Emerson, and many others - including cutting edge thinkers such as Scott Alexander of SlateStarCodex.com. It is within this particular examination of the entire breadth of history, along with (mostly) strong applications of each, that this particular text truly stands out from the pack.

And yet, there are in fact a couple of issues, which may or may not be particularly *big* issues, but one of which was at minimum enough to deduct a star, at least based on my own "subtractive method" / "objective-ish" reasoning I strive to maintain within my own reviews. The star deduction coming from the overall dearth of a bibliography, despite such deep and wide examinations and despite having so many references it almost seemed as though there were a popup with some relevant quote on nearly every page! While Hudson has already disagreed with me on this on Twitter at the time I write this review, I maintain that for nonfiction works, particularly works such as this that reference oh so much, I expect to see a much larger bibliography. Even with the discussion in other recent reviews of perhaps revising my target down closer to 20% rather than 25-30%, the fact that this book contains less than 10% bibliography is still rather disappointing.

The other issue is nearly one more of style, but also raises a potential allegation of bigotry: Hudson's emphasis that civility requires looking people in the eyes. Despite Autistics in particular being well known for not really being able to do this due to our particular neurodivergence. But perhaps Hudson, despite her clear knowledge in other subjects, was not aware of this. It is possible, and I'll not clearly condemn her as a bigot due to Hanlon's Razor.

But again, the overall biggest point here, and the reason you *need* to read this book despite its specks of flaws: This truly is an exceptional, bordering on transcendental, examination of the history and nature of civility, with plenty of real-world applications that are sorely needed - and truly challenging for even the most committed of us. This is one of those books that is going to challenge you to be better in ways that few outside the overtly religious texts manage to do, and it is one that is largely going to leave you with a smile even as it calls you out. Very much recommended.

[Charessa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you to NetGalley and St. Martin's Press for the eGalley to review!

I largely enjoyed this text and I believe that it is one that is severely necessary these days to spark conversation and change. It outlines and proves the differences between civility and politeness, that what many people think is civility isn't actually civility but weaponized respectability politics, and what we can do to make society more civil in its true sense. It calls out the fact that we as a society treat people and relationships as commodities and use "manners" as a means of merely appearing morally good and to show how superior we are to others we see as inferior. Much of what we do and set as rules of our society is arbitrary and harmful.

As stated in the introduction, this book can be read in its entirety or in pieces by its sections as the chapters are self-contained. It is more an essay, a thesis that compiles as many resources as possible to make the argument of what true civility is. Some of it is redundant and feels like fluff for padding because of this, and I think the "if you have ideas or examples that contradict [this] argument, do keep those to yourself. :)" is a bit cheeky and unnecessary (as well as ironic given the repeated notion that civility means listening to others even when you disagree with them). I was also immediately questioning some of the sources included, as they included the fake "Cherokee" "legend" of two inner wolves--something that if there was a bit more research done into it before including it with the other, more credible sources, Alexandra Hudson would have found was claimed to be Inuit before being rebranded to Cherokee, as it was never an indigenous folktale to begin with. And while I appreciated the call-out about how many people in our society like to make their politics their entire identity, there is again some nuance and uneven weight between the different political identities to be--again, ironically--lumping them all together and treating the situation as a black and white issue. Some people make their politics into an identity while others' identities are made into politics.

However, in true civil fashion as described in this book, I continued on to hear out the rest of Hudson's argument. And there are some really important wake-up calls here! Hudson calls this a "humanistic manifesto" and that is certainly the case; I am a humanist myself and there is so much in here I have been trying to express/explain to others that I now have the vocabulary and evidence to help me do. The fact that there are so many sources gathered in one text makes this an invaluable addition to anyone's social studies collection. It may need some ironing out, but I cannot overstate the necessity of a book like this. It's a must-read to help heal our world.

[Matt Kelland · Rating 4 out of 5]

This turned out to be a much more enjoyable book than I was expecting. I’ve long lived by the teachings of those two wise philosophers, William S. Preston Esq. and "Ted" Theodore Logan (aka Bill and Ted): “Be excellent to each other, and party on, dudes.” As I started reading, my immediate reaction was that this was just a very long-winded way of saying the same thing.

To my surprise, it turned out to be a thought-provoking and inspiring read. I lost count of the number of passages I marked for later meditation. The opening is the weakest part of the book, emphasizing that civility has been a concern for humanity for centuries. For as long as we’ve had civilization, we’ve had people complaining that others don’t live up to their standards. But that’s not a reason to shrug it off. We can do better - and, given the state of politics today, we must.

Hudson distinguishes between two very different concepts: civility and politeness. She stresses that politeness, etiquette and the like are all about outward appearance, and are often designed to be exclusionary. As her experience in DC showed, politeness can easily be weaponized to make others feel small and inadequate. Civility, on the other hand, is about a genuine desire to engage with others, benefit them, even if - or especially if - this involves self-sacrifice. It’s about working for the common good, rather than one’s own aims, and it’s about being open to other perspectives, even if we disagree with them.

Throughout the book, Hudson gives clear, simple guidelines on how to live a more civil life. Most importantly, she teaches us how to transcend politics and rebuild a community that includes people of very different backgrounds and outlooks. This can be as simple as not refusing an invitation to dinner even if you’d rather watch TV, not replying to an email or a social media post when you’re angry, or just spending time sitting on your porch with your neighbors.

If I have one quibble with the book, it’s the constant etymological asides. Hudson loves to tell us about the derivation of modern words from classical Greek and Latin, which was interesting at first but soon became repetitious.

It’s a longish read, but I’d recommend it for anyone who feels, as I do, that the world would be a better place if we could all just get along. Hudson shows us that this isn’t just a wishy-washy pipe dream - it’s achievable, if we all choose to be excellent to each other.

Now, party on, dudes!

Disclaimer: I received a free copy from the publisher in return for an honest review.

[Kathleen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read a book review in the WSJ (October 29, 2023) by Mrs. (Meghan Cox) Gurdon, a Journal contributor, is the author of “The Enchanted Hour: The Miraculous Power of Reading Aloud in the Age of Distraction.” The WSJ is very proper with "courtesy titles." This paragraph from the review intrigued me, "By civility, Ms. Hudson, a great-books advocate and adjunct professor in philanthropy at Indiana University, doesn’t mean merely making an effort to get along with others by exhibiting politeness, decorum or good manners. These are all emollient practices and certainly not unwelcome, but she wants readers to convert at a deeper level. Civility, she writes, is not a technique but a disposition, “a way of seeing others as beings endowed with dignity and inherently valuable.” Embracing this mind-set, she believes, “may be our only hope for navigating and emerging from our fraught and divided present times.” AND this word, "SPREZZATURA" - It’s charming to be reminded of sprezzatura, the Italian “art of effortless effort” first formulated in the 16th century, which in its ideal form unites inner sincerity with outward polish. Do I have sprezzatura?

And Alexandra Hudson has a course on Wondrium. It's called Storytelling and the Human Condition.

In the book, she quotes from many ancient and modern philosophers. Even Jesus! And Jane Austen - Sense & Sensibility and Pride and Prejudice. Some of it seemed repetitive to make a point, but still it was a good to reflect on my own attitudes and actions.

I borrowed this book from our library - ebccls. It was available; no wait time. It's still available! There is only one copy and no one has requested it. What kind of person would read this? I have to confess I can't imagine giving this book to a person who is uncivil!

All in all glad I read this book. Will review some of my notes.

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have been following Alexandra Hudson's online writing for years. I love the way she exposes me to thinkers from a sweeping range of sources, from classical to contemporary, from West to East. I also love her ability to synthesize ideas without losing their important nuances, as well as the positive, uplifting vibe I get from her style. Her book is the same. By the time I finished reading it, I had highlighted about half of it!

In our divided times, some people feel that civility is passé, or they think "civility" means being "nice" in the face of injustice. But Hudson makes a critical distinction between politeness and civility: the former is about superficial manners and norms--niceness--while the latter is about *meaningful* communication and humanization. Civility includes acts that may be impolite, but that are important for progress and justice, like telling someone we disagree on an important topic or engaging in protests against unjust laws. Meanwhile, civility also involves kindness and integrity. Even amidst disagreement, civility strengthens the human bonds necessary for society to function.

There is so much more here. Hudson explores what it means to have integrity. She cites writers across the ages who argue that true civilization isn't about grandeur, but about how people treat each other, including how we treat the marginalized. She urges us all to "cultivate our garden," strengthening our friendships and communities and reaching out across political difference. The book has left me inspired, and I feel that reading it has made me a better person!

[Michael Conklin · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a beautiful piece of writing by an amazing woman who is herself beautiful, both inside and out. She begins from the woundedness in our society today, which so many of us recognize but fail to address, in which we often treat one another with disrespect and unkindness, leading to further division and suffering. From there, she immediately sets about describing and applying the remedy: a compound derived from great principles and great stories of kindness and selflessness drawn from our civilization’s past, mixed generously with personal experience and contemporary examples and anecdotes.

In a sense, there is nothing new in this book. If I understand Hudson properly, however, that is exactly the point: she is not trying to tell us something new, but something ancient which we have forgotten, and which we desperately need to remember if we wish to unite our society and work together for the good of our world. She reminds us of these vitals truths by drawing on a wide variety of writings including the Epic of Gilgamesh, Homer, Plato, Shakespeare, and Martin Luther King, Jr. Her breadth and depth of study are as impressive as her ability to synthesize the findings of that study into a practical guide to civility today.

If we take Alexandra Hudson’s new book seriously, it will change the way we view one another, our society, and our obligations thereto. If we act in accordance with the knowledge we gain from The Soul of Civility, we may very well at least begin to heal the divisions within ourselves and within our world.

[Daniel · Rating 3 out of 5]

If you had handed me this book as a manuscript and asked whether I thought it should be published under the present title, I would have replied with an enthusiastic "Yes". And then added this "but": cut it off at p. 185, write a new conclusion, and trim it down.

Perhaps it is presumptuous of me, a barely published writer, to make such a suggestion, but I want to be honest.

The opening of the book was both insightful and thoughtful, dealing with a problem that plagues our society today, the increasing coarseness of our communications, the decline of civility. Alexandra Hudson, like me, is a refugee from Washington, D.C. where she noted some of the same problems I did in the nation's capital, but a generation apart.

In the second half of the book, she rambles a bit, repeating many of the notions she considered in the first half as she tries to fit civility into a conversation of other themes. But that first half is very well done, if a bit repetitive at times.

This book, as is, reminds me why a prominent editor of speculative fiction recommended that we read Robert Heinlein's Stranger in a Strange Land as it was originally published and not the unabridged edition that is today more widely available. The editors who trimmed down the original manuscript helped the great Science Fiction writer get the essence of the story.

The same holds for this book. The essence is there, but we lose sight of it in the second half where she moves on from her central focus.

[Janet · Rating 5 out of 5]

What do you do when a former student contacts you to offer an advance copy of her new book? Of course I said yes. But when she was my student, she was just 20 years old! A lot has happened in her life since then.

I was absolutely delighted to read The Soul of Civility. As a professor, it is wonderful to see someone who follows the principles that we try to instill in university – when faced with a life crisis, use your research and critical thinking faculties to work through it.

Alexandra Hudson has written a thoughtful book focusing on principles of civility that are so necessary not only for a functioning community but for the functioning of democracy. Alexandra has imbued the book with well-researched classical writings as well as personal anecdotes to illustrate the principles. She identifies as a Christian but also includes Muslim and Hindu writings.

I particularly appreciated the final three chapters on hospitality, education and forgiveness. These are things people can actually implement.

I found the quotations on the side to be rather distracting simply because there are so many. There are also indented quotations in the text itself. So it’s a lot!

I highly recommend this book for Millennials as it is written in a way that will resonate with that generation. My hope is that people will read the book and implement at least some of it in order to rebuild trust in a divided society.

[Nancy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book takes a comprehensive look at civility from ancient to modern times and discusses how it affects society. The author draws a comparison between civility and politeness. If I thought about it, I would have said the two words were basically synonymous. However, the author points out the distinction, and it’s important.

Politeness is external. It is a show of good manners. Politeness allows a person to appear tolerant even though politeness can be used to distance oneself from the issue, to be manipulative, and to be condescending. Civility is internal. Civility is a desire to understand another person’s viewpoint, to interact with the person in a way that allows both people to express themselves without vitriol. It is being open to understanding other perspectives.

The author did an excellent job explaining civility from it’s roots in ancient philosophers such as Epictetus to modern thinkers like Martin Luther King whose writings showed the author that there is a moral foundation for civility. However, these were not the only thinkers discussed in the book. One of the things I liked best was the way the author sprinkled quotes from important thinkers throughout the text.

I found this book very helpful in understanding what is wrong and right with interactions between people today. I highly recommend it.

Thanks to the publisher and Net Galley for this review copy.

[Sam · Rating 5 out of 5]

Have you have ever found yourself in a situation where you wanted to say or do something because you felt it was the right thing to say or do, but then felt constricted from doing so because of the fear of coming across as impolite, or even worse, rude? If so, you’re not alone. This dilemma is timeless—and frequently restricts relationships and society from flourishing.

From Alexndra Husdon's Soul of Civility, we can learn from some of the greatest minds throughout history on how to appropriately approach the above scenario. Drawing from the philosophies of these thinkers and leaders–and from her personal experiences–Hudson readably offers “Timeless Principles to Heal Society and Ourselves”.

One of my favourite aspects of this book is its applicability to all members of society. From white-to-blue collar, from youth-to-elder, everyone can not only learn the importance of civility, but further, what it looks like and how to actually be civil in our day-to-day lives. And as can be seen throughout this read, being civil will lead to a more fulfilling life and a more harmonious and flourishing society.

I would highly recommend this book to all who have felt and seen first hand the destructive consequences of incivlity. (Which I believe is everyone, as it is far too common in modernity).

Great work and thank you Alexandra Hudson for supplying society with a much needed building block to strengthen our societal bonds. 5 Stars.

[Iana · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’ve always had an interest in manners and etiquette so I was very excited to read an early copy of Alexandra Hudson’s book, The Soul of Civility. I didn’t know quite what to expect from this book but I was pleasantly surprised.

In The Soul of Civility, Hudson makes the argument that people must take the time to be civil, to respect the personhood and dignity that each human intrinsically has, and that it's only by being civil to each other that we can heal society from conflict. She clearly defines politeness and civility, and explains why we need to be more civil to each other, not more polite. Peppered with relevant and well-chosen quotes from a wide range of thinkers from the past and present, the book draws on a number of varied sources to support its argument. From Ptahhotep to Dr. Martin Luther King, Hudson delves in and out of history to back up her argument to us show us how politeness has masked our sometimes dishonest intentions. At the end of each chapter there are also handy guidelines that recap the chapter and break it down into easy steps to help you bring more civility into your life.

I really enjoyed Hudson’s writing: everything from historical accounts to personal experiences, are slowly woven together to make a credible argument. Also, even though the book was written with an American audience in mind, I think that it would be a fascinating read for anyone interested in civility. It would also suit anyone who is interested in modern etiquette but find it a little insincere.

Although it’s up for debate whether or not civility is the answer to today’s divided society, this book gives a compelling argument in its favour.

[Valerie Campbell Ackroyd · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thought provoking, worth reading, worth arguing with

Difficult to describe this book in a general way, I can only comment on a personal basis. Having been given a “humanities” education—the kind of education she discusses in the book, I related to so much of it while at times finding myself arguing with it too. How can the Greeks/Romans/Western philosophers have had so much wisdom and yet also have left a legacy of war, intolerance, racism, etc., etc…. So the temptation might be, as it was when I was a college student in the early 1970s, to dismiss a lot of what she writes about as “airy fairy”, hypocritical, old fashioned (rolling eyes at the ideas about “manners” as an example) and so on. But I’m not that college student of the 1970s, I am myself now in my 70s and I see a world that is SO uncivil, so angry and violent, that we do indeed need a lot of those prescriptions for civility, for treating other people in a way that defuses the anger, violence and so on. So, naive or not, I give this book four stars and I am definitely going to incorporate a lot of the advice she gives—focus on beauty, curiosity, friendship, forgive and so on—into my life.

[Paul Pierson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Civility is under fire in our culture. Or, one might say that, there is a dire shortage of civility today. It is strained wherever one looks.
Alexandra Hudson has provided a rich resource that addresses the crisis of civility, explaining this age old social dynamic, providing a deep analysis of the crucial cultural ingredient civility is, and suggesting what intentional civility looks like in practice.
I was struck by the long history of this topic. Thoughtful people throughout the ages have wrestled with and prescribed civility. Its want has been lamented and its necessity enjoined. If you find yourself thinking that this is mostly an esoteric treatise please think again. When I arrived at the third section of the book, where civility in practice is considered I was quickly drawn back to earlier sections of the book with deeper appreciation.
This is plain from the very start; Hudson is passionate about this subject. It was at the core of her extraordinary upbringing and defines her personal and professional life today.
I heartily recommend this book.

[Caroline Breashears · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you read only one book this year, this should be it!

The Soul of Civility reclaims "civility"--a term dismissed by people who confuse it with politeness or elitism--and shows how essential it is for our country. Throughout the book, Alexandra Hudson writes beautifully and powerfully, drawing upon ancient wisdom as well as personal experience, to explain what "civility" really is: "the basic respect we are owed by virtue of our shared dignity and equal moral worth as human beings. We owe this to others regardless of who they are, what they look like, where they are from, whether or not we like them, and whether or not they can do anything for us."

The book is carefully researched and clearly organized, with Part I on "An Enduring Dilemma," Part II on "Why Civility," and Part III on "Civility in Practice." Throughout the work, Hudson gives compelling examples of how we can reclaim civility. I recommend it very highly and without reservation.

[Louise Foerster · Rating 5 out of 5]

An hour after I finished THE SOUL OF CIVILITY, I ran a quick errand. With the deepened perspective on what it is to be in dialogue with one another regardless of where we come from, I noticed our brusque as well as the gentle, surprised warmth in the moment of transaction, of allowing another car to cut into traffic, the standing aside to let a woman with a baby carriage pass. That is the power of this book in its mind-opening, and heart-changing intelligence with deep discussions ranging from ancient philosophers to present day models such as Dr. Martin Luther King. Throughout the guide, I learned a great deal, including the small and large ways that civility is the undercarriage and support for our wildly different and brilliant individual selves in community. Would that this guide were required reading in our education and spiritual programs! I received a copy of this book and these opinions are my own, unbiased thoughts.

[Kasia Hubbard · Rating 5 out of 5]

A deep and thorough dive into history's civility and how it's changed over the years, from Socrates, to Thomas Edison, to even today. So much information on what it means and how to actually do it from one who really, really, really knows her stuff, and yet you don't feel like it's overwhelming. Learning as you go on how civility - a respect for the personhood and dignity of others - a simple and yet profound notion that seems to be missing in today's society. We all could really use a healthy dose of this, so grab this book, and walk it out!
*I received a copy of this book from NetGalley. This review is my own opinion*