Rainbow Parenting: Your Guide to Raising Queer Kids and Their Allies

by Lindz Amer

An essential guide for parents and caregivers to raising queer-friendly children in a gender-affirming space.

In the face of so many injustices across society for LGBTQ+ people, it can be easy for parents of young children to feel helpless and hopeless. While they may not be able to address every problem across the country, there's a simple place to right at home.

Rainbow Parenting is an indispensable stepping stone for adults who want to raise and teach kids in a queer and gender-affirming way, but might not know how. Lindz Amer, the creator of Queer Kid Stuff, an award-winning LGBTQ+ educational webseries for children and families, is an expert guide, leading readers through practical applications, important LGBTQ+ history, key lessons in intersectionality, pronouns, social justice, and more. Divided by sections that address kids' individual ages—from infancy to kindergarten—this joyful and approachable book shares a bit of hope and starts with the understanding that anyone can spread queer joy.

By giving parents and their kids a vocabulary to express themselves, Rainbow Parenting ultimately aims to create more empathetic adults—and spreads a message of radical acceptance in a world where it's sometimes dangerous to just be yourself.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, LGBT, Queer, Gender, Family

246 pages, Kindle Edition

Published May 30, 2023

Reviews

[Stacey (Bookalorian) · Rating 3 out of 5]

I just finished reading Rainbow Parenting by Lindz Amer and here are my views on it.

So the book identifies itself as an essential guide for parents and caregivers to raising queer-friendly kids in a gender affirming space.

Firstly, I have 2 older kids, my son is 20 and gay. My daughter is 17 and identifies as asexual and has a girlfriend. I thought, yay, this book might well give me some tools and see what I can do going forward for my older kids.

OK, everything in this book is someone's opinion on how they felt things should be done because of the damage it did to them not having all this in place. My son was curious and had a read. He felt the book didn’t represent him at all and being his friend group all fit outside of the “normie matrix” his words not mine, and while he understood the authors perspective and their experience are valid, had I have done any of the things covered in this book, it would not have changed his reality. Me treating him normally without all the bubbles and rainbows helped him to accept who he was quickly and with love. Our situation isn’t going to be the same as the next person, we acknowledge that, hence why I feel you need to take this book with a grain of salt and incorporate what feels right to you and your family.

This is one person's framework for inclusion and yes, some of it made sense and some of it felt a little heavy handed and excessive. My daughter has trans friends, gay friends, non-binary… Her friend group is diverse and beautiful. Not one of them had much they agreed with within the book. It was interesting to get all their points of view which is the number one thing this book brought to me. It started a conversation.

Is it a helpful guide? Sure, I am sure there is a lot of value in there for the right people but who knows which people that would be? I can’t answer that but the author makes the assumption this is the framework for all which I do not agree with. My young kids are all fully accepting of everyone's differences and that love comes in all flavors without all the heavy handedness this book is trying to make you incorporate and it gets a little shamey in places too.

Was this book for me? No. Do I recommend it to people who may want to know more about a trans POV and maybe some ways they can make some changes in their own lives? HECK YES. It was eye opening to see how the author was affected growing up and I did find it was well written and easy to read.

3.5 stars. Would I read another book on the subject? Yes I would. Maybe I need it not from someone's 1st person perspective though.

[Sophie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don’t usually rate non fiction, but this one deserves 5 ⭐️ to get boosted and because it was the best piece of parenting advice literature I’ve read, not just because of the content, but because of the overall tone.

So many parenting guides come off preachy and judgemental, whereas this one had an overall sense of “we are all human, we are flawed, we make mistakes, but hey, here are 3 1/2 things you can start doing/saying today that can maybe make the world a better place, or at the very least will help turn your child into a kind and compassionate and respectful person”

Given the state this country is in currently, I am worried how this book will be perceived and abused to further anti- anything agendas, so as someone that generally tries to review any book I read from all angles and to consider both the good AND bad, let me tell you this: the author has done an incredible amount of research, backing up every stat regarding queer youth in the US with articles, case studies and other literature. They are not forcing any type of agenda on any parent or child, they are simply suggesting to rethink the way you talk TO and ABOUT your child. Most of the advice in this book is rooted in changing simple statements you make everyday, and if you mess up, or feel like you didn’t do yourself or your child justice, you can learn and try again tomorrow. This book’s main message is to spread queer joy, and to accept other human beings, especially your children, for who they are and help them as much as you can.

Gender affirming care is such a simple and basic concept that has been misconstrued over the past few years into something that seems scary and wrong to many people. The author does an amazing job not only giving tangible and simple advice on how to implement it into your life, but debunking it all together, and explaining what it’s actually supposed to be.

This is a must read not only for parents, but for any and all people that have children in their lives (teachers, siblings, grandparents, aunts/uncles, godparents, etc etc)

[Jake · Rating 4 out of 5]

“So much is held in these three words: spread queer joy. They are the blanket that comforts, the shield that protects, the glitter that glimmers, and the balm that heals.”

A very important read for developmentally-relevant suggestions for gender conscious parenting and ways to fold in queer acceptance, curiosity, social justice, and camaraderie into our lil tots’ upbringing. I also learned about childism, which was cool (the learning bit was cool- not the prejudice). Awesome work, Lindz!!

Also: wahoo yay thank you Goodreads for the giveaway raffle win!!! Dreams really do come true 🌈 I feel so fancy and honored with my advanced reader copy, of a PARENTING book, nonetheless. Lol.

[Jenn the Readaholic · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an excellent read for anyone wondering about appropriate talks with younger children. Or anyone wondering about bias, the harm that accidental or casual bigotry or phobias can cause, and how to do better in life. If you’re already and ally or comrade, welcome to the read that reminds you to check your privilege and remember that we can always learn more. If you’re just starting out in your journey through child rearing or interactions with kids, or even curiosity about inclusivity and acceptance for all age ranges, this is definitely a good place to start, too!

Sure, it’s uncomfortable at times. But so is life. It’s meant to be. As clearly described in these pages, running from discomfort and diversity means that you’re doomed to perpetuate the cycles of phobic and anti behavior. And if you’re hoping to be that one trusted person for anyone in your life, things need to be reevaluated. But that’s okay. It’s how we learn and grow and change ideas along the way. We can all find something to be proud of or improve upon here, but we’re not berated for it. And we can all learn better ways to speak about our LGBTQ+ friends, family, and fellow humans to children here also. No matter if they’re babies or school aged, appropriate suggestions for how to broach subjects are given, and I think just about everyone could at least enjoy the opportunity for self reflection and awareness here.

[Katie Raves · Rating 1 out of 5]

This author thinks kink and kids can coexist.

[Elliot · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was half way through a thorough review when GoodReads crashed so here's the gist!

Overall:
- Pretty good but not without flaws
- Not written for me sadly but that doesn't mean it's bad!

Pros:
- Great for your cis liberal friend who's having a baby
- Easy beginner friendly book on a topic not many are writing about
- Toddler and Pre-k sections are the strongest with the most helpful, interesting, and relevant information

Cons:
- Sometimes feels like it's trying to hit a word count with all the lists
- ex. "disability justice includes folks with [11 items]"
- A little all over the place at times, especially towards the end where it tries to cover every issue in social justice with just a few short paragraphs per issue. This leads to that whole section being a little too surface level, even for an absolute beginner.
- In general the book tends to be a little too 101 for my liking, which is partly due to it just not being written for me (a trans person who thinks and learns about gender and parenting all the time) buuuttt also I think anyone picking this book up with the hopes of doing gender creative or even just anti sexist/queer positive parenting can probably handle (and benefit from) a little more meat in these discussions.

Personal Gripes:
- Lin Manuel Miranda quote
- Perpetuates the myth that Marsha P Johnson started/was present at the start of the Stonewall Riots. (Although Lindz also says something very interesting and true about Stonewall, calling it a "creation myth". I think this framing almost makes it okay to tell kids a slightly inaccurate history, because we are doing it as a myth? I'm not sure."

[Jessica Jensen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely fantastic information and I like that it's broken out by various ages and stages. The clarification of ideas that you can try, research more, etc. but also that each family and person is individual is a super helpful perspective reminder throughout the book.

[Tara · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thanks to Netgalley for this advance reader copy. This book is well needed and I will be recommending it to a lot of my colleagues. The days of identifying your gender are starting to diminish. The process of feeling like you have to, as the author explains only causes turmoil. This is an excellent book with great information, and it should be on everybody’s bookshelf..

[momma_doc_reads · Rating 4 out of 5]

A really excellent resource for parents, educators, and caregivers, this guide goes into tactical, definitions, vocabulary, and ways to make your home and classroom more inclusive.

[Eric O · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great read for parents, caregivers, and relatives. It changed our approach to parenting our toddlers, and I would happily buy a sequel that goes into more specific advice for older kids.

[Nathan · Rating 5 out of 5]

A vital book for parents and educators and anyone with kids in their lives.

[Lila Clementine]

Learned a lot for my future queer (or ally-don’t want to assume…) child! Really going to double down on the difference between fruit loops and Cheerios. Always unlearning.

[McKenna · Rating 4 out of 5]

I plan to read one non-fiction book (at least) every month in 2023, so let's get started with this beautiful one!

This book appeared in my life at exactly the right time. I plan to start my own family in the coming years and I have been very conscious about how I plan to parent. My husband and I talk about what we think our do's and don'ts will be when we have kids, and body ownership/consent, gender identity, and sexuality are all very important topics we discuss.

This book does a great job at explaining important information without being condescending or making the reader feel as though they have already made a mistake-- almost as if they are taking their own advice and "talking below the doorknob" to their audience. The amount of information I was learning and sharing with my husband along the way was outstanding.

Another important facet of this book to me what the fact that it wasn't geared just towards parents but also educators and caregivers alike. I am currently a special education teacher and concepts of boundaries, consent and body ownership come up regularly in my day-to-day. I will be happy to incorporate some of the ideals in this book in my current classroom setting.

A really important read that I will reference for years to come!

Thank you to NetGalley and St. Martin's Press for sending me an eARC of this book. All thoughts and opinions are my own.

[Emma Grace · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you to NetGalley and St. Martin's for an ARC in exchange for an honest review! This is a great book to be read in conjunction with other developmental resources for not only new/expecting families, but also educators and caregivers. Amer even gives some other good resources in the back. It's a resource which can be used to also bring children up in a family which is not only trying to be affirming, but also actively anti-racist, anti-ableist, and anti-bigotry in general because a lot of the scripts used for explaining concepts can be tweaked from their LGBTQ+ context to fit a myriad of scenarios! Some of the key takeaways are: Early sex ed and boundary setting is abuse prevention, representation matters in media even 1 year olds consuming (are there people of different colors? genders? abilities? family structures?), getting to the underlying question kiddos are actually wanting the answer to is always better, and never as abstract as adults think it is (e.g. where do babies come from? why does that girl use those sticks [referring to my crutches I often use as a disabled person])?. They debunk several stigmas with great statistics surrounding sexuality and cultural biases we may bring to the table with those assumptions.

A couple things to be aware of: The author themselves are neurodivergent and so while the book is meant to be read in a "linear way", there are a lot of tangents reminiscent to my spouse's own neurodivergent brain. It's not a value judgement, just a stylistic thing to be aware of as a reader. They come back around at the end of each chapter with some key takeaways that keep things easily accessible. While they give a lot of good, credible, resources to back up a lot of claims, there are also a few instances where the author makes statements meant to be taken as /fact/, but are actually /opinions/ (which I don't even necessarily disagree with all of them) based on their moral/value system. So it's important for you readers to approach with critical thought processes at work to discern what's fact, what's an opinion of your own echo chamber of thought but you possibly agree with, and what may be opinion worth looking further into before reaching a thought/conclusion of your own.

[Andrea Wenger · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is wonderful in many ways, but it is Not Ready for Prime Time.

First, the first 15% is irrelevant and virtually unreadable. This content belongs at the end of the book, as supplementary material for those who want or need it. It's personal to the author and not necessarily relevant to the topic. I would advise readers to start the book at the section on childism, because that's where the relevant content begins.

Second, the book repeatedly discriminates against ace/aro people by excluding straight and cis people from the LGBTQ+ umbrella. As someone who's straight, cis, and demisexual, it's a big struggle for me to feel like I "deserve" to be part of the LGBTQ+ community. But the fact is, my sexuality is marginalized. When a book called "Rainbow Parenting" marginalizes me, it's basically saying I don't belong anywhere.

Finally, I gave up on this book at the 70% mark when it said, "White and white-passing people are inherently racist." I am so done with this harmful and polarizing use of language. There's a difference between unconscious bias and racism. The topic is already fraught without using punitive language. It benefits zero people to say that all white people are racist. It can only cause harm. So please, let's stop doing it.

I'll be honest. I'm questioning my straight, cis, white privilege as I write this. It doesn't feel comfortable to call out these things in a book that includes so much good content—a book that's so necessary. At the same time, I feel like the author's message is undermined by their use of offensive and exclusionary language. This is literally a book about teaching children how not to be offensive and exclusionary. So yeah, maybe I'm holding it up to an unfair and even unachievable standard. I hope the ARC has been sent to sensitivity readers, and the offensive content will be removed prior to publication.

Thanks, NetGalley, for the ARC I received. This is my honest and voluntary review.

[Alexis]

One of the most common complaints I hear from my parenting cohort (which is mostly GenXers though I am a millennial 5-10 years their junior) is that “I didn't grow up with this, I am lost as to what to do or say.” If we take that at face value and imagine that it is a good-faith request for help, then this book is a great answer to that issue. With friendly, accessible primers on the ways that parents can be inclusive and supportive at all ages and stages, this book will be so helpful for parents raising children in what feels like a big new world. Even though my LGBTQIA+ children are teenagers now with a bevy of queer family and friends, this book had so much to offer about how we treat children in regards to consent, gender-identity and age-appropriate sexuality. As an added layer, the book treats the readers/parents with the kindness that it is recommending for the children they are raising. The entire text is a treatise on compassion and empathy that is much needed for LGBTQIA+ youth as well as their parents and allies. This is how we raise good humans and support families in doing so.

The highest praise I can offer: I am officially adding this to my gift list for expectant parents.

Published by: St. Martin’s Press Release Date: 30 May 2023

[Emma · Rating 5 out of 5]

5⭐️ guide to parenting children who are part of the rainbow community / how to be an overall good human being.

This book is a plentiful resource with age appropriate discourse around many topics. The book is spilt into sections (Infancy, Toddlers, Pre-K, and Elementary Aged/4+).

This book is not just about LGBTQ issues, though. It also teaches about many other issues like consent, age-relevant sex ed, treating our bodies with kindness, different kinds of families, and intersectionality (racism, disability, mental health, religion etc.).

A must read for anyone wanting to raise activists of Social Justice in their communities! I will be purchasing a physical copy to keep on my shelf and reference in my parenting and to recommend to clients as a social worker.

Thank you to Net Galley and St. Martin's Press for an e-arc in exchange for my honest review.

[Marcie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book I wish I had read when I was expecting my children. Informative, joyful, and important all wrapped up in one. If you're looking for a new parent gift, a resource as a teacher of young children, or simply want to educate yourself for the sake of children in your life, this is the book to get. A quote that sticks out to me is, "I'm asking what the world would look like if all kids had access to all the information they need for themselves and to uplift and affirm and support and be allies to others." Rainbow Parenting guides you to being a source of that information! Everything from definitions to handling sensitive questions, to dealing with ignorance and beyond is talked about.

It says it right in the book, "This is more than a book you just read; it's a book you live out." So take the information here and go use it to make the world a brighter place for the littles in your life.

[Alison Riley · Rating 5 out of 5]

A thoughtful and thought-provoking primer for parents, teachers and caregivers about the importance of raising children in a queer-affirming environment.

This book is full of actionable steps for adults that can help us create and maintain safe settings for children of all ages. The text is readable and propulsive, which can be a challenge for nonfiction. If you’ve ever seen Lindz on YouTube (I had not until I came across this read, but you won’t regret it!) you’ll expect great things, and this read is just as positive, encouraging, and succinct. Highly recommend to anyone who regularly interacts with children!

[Ashley Gulyas · Rating 5 out of 5]

I HIGHLY recommend Rainbow Parenting: Your Guide to Raising Queer Kids and Their Allies by Lindz Amer to all parents, grandparents, caregivers, educators, and everyone in between.

This incredible book offers so much guidance on raising our children in the most affirming and socially aware manner possible. Yes, its primary focus is on presenting LGBTQ+ identities and information in an age-appropriate way. But it also offers so much insight into broader issues of social justice and simply raising good humans who desire to make change in this world.

I truly believe this world will be better for all of us, not just our LGBTQ+ youth, if everyone reads this book!

[Amanda · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you Netgalley and the publisher for an eARC version of this book in exchange for my honest review.

I think the content covered in this book is important, and it’s high time for it to be on shelves, accessible for anyone with a child in their life. I think the information was presented well and the author’s commentary and examples/illustrations of the points being made was helpful for me personally. I learned a lot, and some of it was uncomfortable to read—but so so important to consider.

[Maggie S · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was disappointing. I’m not sure who it was written for— it reads like a sociology/queer studies 101 textbook. The people who would be drawn to a book entitled “Rainbow Parenting” already know these basics. The people who don’t know wouldn’t be picking up this book. I had to skim thru sections on what the LGBTQ letters stand for and the difference between equality and equity.

I also don’t agree with the author’s advice to define “queer” as “different” to your young kids. While there’s some use in that definition from an academic perspective, it would lead to your toddler calling so many random things and people queer— ie so and so is queer because they have allergies.

[Caity Gill · Rating 3 out of 5]

I only read about 50-60% of this. It was not what I was looking for when I picked it up. It focuses solely on kids birth- kindergarten. There were some helpful things, but also a lot that felt just like the author’s opinion and not what I would implement with my kids.

I appreciated the heart of the author, and how they shared their own experience. I think the work they are doing to make the world more inclusive is beautiful.

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was just so, so wonderful on every level. It is valuable towards anyone who works with children. It is written in a very accessible way, and this is a book I will be adding to my professional library without a doubt.


Thank you to NetGalley and St. Martin's Press, St. Martin's Griffin for the chance to read this book!

[Alicia Toothman · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rainbow Parenting is absolutely the book I needed to read this summer!

With 3 kids who are all a part of the LGBTQ+ community, this gave me a lot of guidance, support, and encouragement.

We had a lot of sensitive conversations and I appreciate the insight that I’ve found through Rainbow Parenting.

[JJ · Rating 5 out of 5]

I absolutely loved this book and am so grateful I was able to read this early thanks to NetGalley and Macmillan. I am happy to see more parenting content that is focused on creating a better more inclusive world for all. A must read for parents.

[Madison Hines Schmoll · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great guide not just for parents, but anyone who works with young people. I appreciate the ways that it pushed on norms, offered practical conversation starters, and educated with lots of great resources. I know this is one that I will continue to reference in the years ahead.

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book. I was shocked to see my library didn't own this so I requested they purchase it.

This only covers the age ranges of birth to early elementary school, so I feel like it needs a part two, my only criticism.

[Emma Gray · Rating 5 out of 5]

I would recommend this to any human who has children, works with children, or just wants a good starter course for how to promote queer alliance for young people. Perfectly written with additional resources provided too!! Loved it.

[Tricia Friedman · Rating 5 out of 5]

Practical. Powerful. Poignant.
Highly recommend.