What do you think?
Rate this book
Until I Love Myself: The Journey of a Nonbinary Manga Artist #1
Until I Love Myself, Vol. 1: The Journey of a Nonbinary Manga Artist
Born into a body they hate and still reeling from the abuse they faced seven years ago, Pesuyama begins to rail at their past, their friends, and even their mother as they try to come to terms with who they are and what happened to them.
192 pages, Kindle Edition
Published June 20, 2023
28 people are currently reading
3058 people want to read
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 119 reviews
September 27, 2023
[Review by a nonbinary reader]
This is, as expected, incredibly realistic, and often not in a comforting way like I had hoped for. I don't think I'll read part 2 because it just read so grimly - and densely! It took me ages to get through panels. I hope the artist is doing well these days after these traumatic incidents.
Certainly not your average manga, though I have hope it could educate those who pick it up to learn.
This is, as expected, incredibly realistic, and often not in a comforting way like I had hoped for. I don't think I'll read part 2 because it just read so grimly - and densely! It took me ages to get through panels. I hope the artist is doing well these days after these traumatic incidents.
Certainly not your average manga, though I have hope it could educate those who pick it up to learn.
July 4, 2023
[Content warning: sexual harassment, boundary violation, PTSD, bullying]
Another story of a troubled artist on a journey of discovery about both their sexual orientation and their sex in general.
Well, look, it is. I don’t read every one of these trauma drama stories that come out, pardon the expression (which I do not mean to be dismissive, it is just its own genre at this point) but I think this one is a pretty good example of the type and is dealing with somebody grappling with life as a non-binary person and being treated as a woman by society despite it.
The precipitating incident that opens the volume involves Pesuyama, our mangaka, going to work as an assistant when they were just getting started in the industry. It goes very, very poorly.
To call this a toxic workplace environment is like saying an Amazon packaging centre is a little punishing to the employees. Pesuyama is surrounded by a real ‘bro’ mentality and endless dirty jokes that in any other time would constitute workplace harassment.
And then the unwanted touching starts. And keeps going. There are some moments here where you feel that Pesuyama is about two seconds away from being victim of an attempted rape. This is not a book for the reader with triggering experiences.
These opening chapters are savagely effective in communicating just the numbing brutality of the manga process, but mixed with Pesuyama’s incredible dread at being anywhere near it. It made me anxious just reading it, so… mission accomplished.
Pesuyama bounces between this incident and other things in their past, painting a portrait of somebody who doesn’t understand themselves and is not being helped by society when it comes to figuring it out.
From school to friends, nobody is making an effort, which was the style at the time, but you can see the toll it takes. Pesuyama acts out a lot and can’t quite seem to make friends, but it’s all a big cycle of misunderstanding and not even trying to understand.
Things do get a bit better towards the end; Pesuyama’s editor is an absolute angel of an ally and the story of their reconnecting with an old friend from school ends way better than expected (especially after the other stories about school).
These manga are always hard to both review and consume; I am not this experience, so I don’t want to not give them the weight they deserve, and they are brutal to read, knowing that the help a young Pesuyama desperately needs is never going to come.
But I think this is really well done - the journey is laid out along with the steps and just how Pesuyama figures themselves out. It offers insight into their life and how they came to understand themselves. I wanted to know more about their life as a non-binary person and that’s exactly what I got.
And it’s not some self-aggrandizing effort (possibly too much so, Pesuyama has some real self-loathing going on), we see a very warts-and-all look at things through the years and, well, kids make bad decisions, no matter what gender they consider themselves.
The art’s okay, not stellar, but the content is good, if harrowing. I’m surprised that this is going into a second volume, but not unpleasantly so. It’s as much an education for me as it is an interesting autobiographical work, so I won’t say no to more.
4 stars - it’s strong, but it isn’t going to be for everybody. Some of the incidents in this volume made my skin crawl, but, at the same time, somebody else had to live those incidents. I think this has a lot of merit on that basis alone, since it shines a light on some very toxic stuff, but also (hopefully) as a journey of acceptance for the author.
Another story of a troubled artist on a journey of discovery about both their sexual orientation and their sex in general.
Well, look, it is. I don’t read every one of these trauma drama stories that come out, pardon the expression (which I do not mean to be dismissive, it is just its own genre at this point) but I think this one is a pretty good example of the type and is dealing with somebody grappling with life as a non-binary person and being treated as a woman by society despite it.
The precipitating incident that opens the volume involves Pesuyama, our mangaka, going to work as an assistant when they were just getting started in the industry. It goes very, very poorly.
To call this a toxic workplace environment is like saying an Amazon packaging centre is a little punishing to the employees. Pesuyama is surrounded by a real ‘bro’ mentality and endless dirty jokes that in any other time would constitute workplace harassment.
And then the unwanted touching starts. And keeps going. There are some moments here where you feel that Pesuyama is about two seconds away from being victim of an attempted rape. This is not a book for the reader with triggering experiences.
These opening chapters are savagely effective in communicating just the numbing brutality of the manga process, but mixed with Pesuyama’s incredible dread at being anywhere near it. It made me anxious just reading it, so… mission accomplished.
Pesuyama bounces between this incident and other things in their past, painting a portrait of somebody who doesn’t understand themselves and is not being helped by society when it comes to figuring it out.
From school to friends, nobody is making an effort, which was the style at the time, but you can see the toll it takes. Pesuyama acts out a lot and can’t quite seem to make friends, but it’s all a big cycle of misunderstanding and not even trying to understand.
Things do get a bit better towards the end; Pesuyama’s editor is an absolute angel of an ally and the story of their reconnecting with an old friend from school ends way better than expected (especially after the other stories about school).
These manga are always hard to both review and consume; I am not this experience, so I don’t want to not give them the weight they deserve, and they are brutal to read, knowing that the help a young Pesuyama desperately needs is never going to come.
But I think this is really well done - the journey is laid out along with the steps and just how Pesuyama figures themselves out. It offers insight into their life and how they came to understand themselves. I wanted to know more about their life as a non-binary person and that’s exactly what I got.
And it’s not some self-aggrandizing effort (possibly too much so, Pesuyama has some real self-loathing going on), we see a very warts-and-all look at things through the years and, well, kids make bad decisions, no matter what gender they consider themselves.
The art’s okay, not stellar, but the content is good, if harrowing. I’m surprised that this is going into a second volume, but not unpleasantly so. It’s as much an education for me as it is an interesting autobiographical work, so I won’t say no to more.
4 stars - it’s strong, but it isn’t going to be for everybody. Some of the incidents in this volume made my skin crawl, but, at the same time, somebody else had to live those incidents. I think this has a lot of merit on that basis alone, since it shines a light on some very toxic stuff, but also (hopefully) as a journey of acceptance for the author.
July 3, 2023
Woah. This was a great autobiography. I loved the setting in which they told their story. Having their story shared in a manga format was brilliant because the art conveys so much emotion. I really loved the art and how it brought their words to life. Even the words that didn’t or weren’t said. My heart goes out to them for what they went through. No one deserves to be treated that way. I would highly recommend this book. I think everyone could learn a thing or two from it.
August 15, 2023
A look at sexual harassment and bullying from the perspective of a nonbinary person. It gets heavy, with lots of sexism, self-loathing, bulimia, self-harm, and depression, but it does make note of some progress, such as it is, over the decades.
The author jumps frequently between their childhood, twenties, and thirties, and some time periods are more interesting than others, but the stories kept my attention throughout.
The author jumps frequently between their childhood, twenties, and thirties, and some time periods are more interesting than others, but the stories kept my attention throughout.
October 25, 2023
Content warnings are listed at the end of my review!
"My character and body had been used without permission for another person's entertainment."
This for me was a really moving read in how Pesuyama's experiences and inner dialogue are shown- it emotionally takes me to the movie Perfect Blue, though with more literal portrayal of the core emotional state sexual violence puts you in and the waves it sends throughout your life. I'm grateful that Pesuyama sharing this because what they show here is just fundamentally real and shown in such a genuine and constructive way that gives life changing acknowledgement to something that feels like it must stay locked away. The nature of the topic here is brutal, but how Pesuyama shows this outright is done in such a tactful way that felt composed, meaningful, and supportive of everyone who has had experiences like theirs. Depicting sexual violence this way is incredibly powerful in promoting visibility and solidarity by really emphasizing the impact rather than the event itself. It was an emotional workout to read, leaving me tired not as if I was running in fear and anguish, but instead as if I was running with purpose towards self love with Pesuyama.
The story follows Pesuyama's career as a manga artist as well as their gender feelings and instances of sexual trauma to paint a full picture of their present situation- reaching out to their previous abusive boss. There's a lot of timeline jumps back and forth throughout the manga, but I think they are done well to help bring more context in and further elaborate on our understanding of Pesuyama's feelings and decisions. Pesuyama was given work through their editor to be an assistant for another manga artist, which immediately starts sour as their name is not respected and the boss X points out that they all like to joke around, which unsurprisingly means many unsavory "jokes" that are allowed to fly. We see their struggle to make this situation work, but regardless of their attempts, their sense of safety rapidly plummets as X continues to use abusive tactics to rob them of their agency, escalating into nightmarish close calls. Eventually the last straw is hit, and they seek other work and find Chill-bayashi-san, who offers support and legal council, allowing Pesuyama to begin work on this manga and unpacking their struggle with self love. This starts with their experience with their boss X, but it goes back further to harassment they experienced by a close friend and peer in elementary school and their long term dysphoria they have struggled with.
I can only say good things about this book overall, I really have zero complaints besides I want to read the second volume immediately. Pesuyama's introspection and ability to analyze parts to pull together the bigger picture really makes for a transformative read. Their journey is shown with such mastery, and every realization they make builds into something that really rewards the reader for following along. We even get really amazing trans nuance, we see their struggle unpacking their own misogyny, and how their internalized misogyny exploded into them being transmisogynistic towards their close friend. They take time to really explore the difficult intersection of being afraid of being feminine or being a woman because of the trauma they have experienced, and the struggle to differentiate that from their dysphoria. It was heartbreaking, but handled with such delicate craft that the difference is understood and they establish how their dysphoria interacts with trauma, but isn't born from it.
Summary:
Readability: ★★★★★, The read was super smooth, but it really was an emotional ride, but the ride wasn't a bad one whatsoever. I can't emphasize enough, this was the polar opposite of exploitation or marinating in suffering, it was very balanced and thought through and it shows. A major highlight is how Pesuyama is able to convey their emotions through the artwork, words, and scenes, it has me speechless and deeply impacted. Even with this, I do recommend to tread carefully and be well aware of the content warnings.
Entertainment: ★★★★★, This was masterfully put together, the timeline jumps flow perfectly, and make total sense for the progression of the story. They are really phenomenal at stringing together these seemingly separate aspects of their life and show the human grayness that they exist in, and depict this cohesively in a narrative. The representation is absolutely jaw dropping in accuracy, and really hit close to home because of it.
Audience: Me, I loved this, and I really can't wait to read the second volume. I really feel like I can't even formulate words right to do this justice, haha. This is immaculately handled representation of sexual trauma, and it has incalculable importance by affirming that these experiences hurt, are hard to acknowledge, and you are not to blame, and you aren't overreacting. I very strongly recommend this!
Content Warnings: abusive parents, anxiety, body shaming, bullying, childhood sexual trauma, disassociation, dysphoria, eating disorder, fear, intimidation, lawsuit, misgendering, misogyny, non consensual touching, objectification, overstepping boundaries, peer pressure, periods, power dynamics, self harm, self-defense, self-induced vomiting, sexual harassment, starvation, storms, suicidal thoughts, transmisogyny, violence, vomiting, workplace harassment
"My character and body had been used without permission for another person's entertainment."
This for me was a really moving read in how Pesuyama's experiences and inner dialogue are shown- it emotionally takes me to the movie Perfect Blue, though with more literal portrayal of the core emotional state sexual violence puts you in and the waves it sends throughout your life. I'm grateful that Pesuyama sharing this because what they show here is just fundamentally real and shown in such a genuine and constructive way that gives life changing acknowledgement to something that feels like it must stay locked away. The nature of the topic here is brutal, but how Pesuyama shows this outright is done in such a tactful way that felt composed, meaningful, and supportive of everyone who has had experiences like theirs. Depicting sexual violence this way is incredibly powerful in promoting visibility and solidarity by really emphasizing the impact rather than the event itself. It was an emotional workout to read, leaving me tired not as if I was running in fear and anguish, but instead as if I was running with purpose towards self love with Pesuyama.
The story follows Pesuyama's career as a manga artist as well as their gender feelings and instances of sexual trauma to paint a full picture of their present situation- reaching out to their previous abusive boss. There's a lot of timeline jumps back and forth throughout the manga, but I think they are done well to help bring more context in and further elaborate on our understanding of Pesuyama's feelings and decisions. Pesuyama was given work through their editor to be an assistant for another manga artist, which immediately starts sour as their name is not respected and the boss X points out that they all like to joke around, which unsurprisingly means many unsavory "jokes" that are allowed to fly. We see their struggle to make this situation work, but regardless of their attempts, their sense of safety rapidly plummets as X continues to use abusive tactics to rob them of their agency, escalating into nightmarish close calls. Eventually the last straw is hit, and they seek other work and find Chill-bayashi-san, who offers support and legal council, allowing Pesuyama to begin work on this manga and unpacking their struggle with self love. This starts with their experience with their boss X, but it goes back further to harassment they experienced by a close friend and peer in elementary school and their long term dysphoria they have struggled with.
I can only say good things about this book overall, I really have zero complaints besides I want to read the second volume immediately. Pesuyama's introspection and ability to analyze parts to pull together the bigger picture really makes for a transformative read. Their journey is shown with such mastery, and every realization they make builds into something that really rewards the reader for following along. We even get really amazing trans nuance, we see their struggle unpacking their own misogyny, and how their internalized misogyny exploded into them being transmisogynistic towards their close friend. They take time to really explore the difficult intersection of being afraid of being feminine or being a woman because of the trauma they have experienced, and the struggle to differentiate that from their dysphoria. It was heartbreaking, but handled with such delicate craft that the difference is understood and they establish how their dysphoria interacts with trauma, but isn't born from it.
Summary:
Readability: ★★★★★, The read was super smooth, but it really was an emotional ride, but the ride wasn't a bad one whatsoever. I can't emphasize enough, this was the polar opposite of exploitation or marinating in suffering, it was very balanced and thought through and it shows. A major highlight is how Pesuyama is able to convey their emotions through the artwork, words, and scenes, it has me speechless and deeply impacted. Even with this, I do recommend to tread carefully and be well aware of the content warnings.
Entertainment: ★★★★★, This was masterfully put together, the timeline jumps flow perfectly, and make total sense for the progression of the story. They are really phenomenal at stringing together these seemingly separate aspects of their life and show the human grayness that they exist in, and depict this cohesively in a narrative. The representation is absolutely jaw dropping in accuracy, and really hit close to home because of it.
Audience: Me, I loved this, and I really can't wait to read the second volume. I really feel like I can't even formulate words right to do this justice, haha. This is immaculately handled representation of sexual trauma, and it has incalculable importance by affirming that these experiences hurt, are hard to acknowledge, and you are not to blame, and you aren't overreacting. I very strongly recommend this!
Content Warnings: abusive parents, anxiety, body shaming, bullying, childhood sexual trauma, disassociation, dysphoria, eating disorder, fear, intimidation, lawsuit, misgendering, misogyny, non consensual touching, objectification, overstepping boundaries, peer pressure, periods, power dynamics, self harm, self-defense, self-induced vomiting, sexual harassment, starvation, storms, suicidal thoughts, transmisogyny, violence, vomiting, workplace harassment
February 14, 2024
i had assumed in bad faith that this was going to be a nagata kabi ripoff (or worse: be similar in tone to x-gender (manga), which i didn't find sincere or particularly enjoyable) but it wasn't! of course, it remains an autobio series about living as an nb person in japan (and it does have a similar cartoony-pathetic style close to nagata kabi's) but the mangaka's way of threading their story of trauma and sexual assault into a longer reflection about identity and purpose (lack thereof) is really well done. pesuyama (as character)'s disconnect with their so-called female body and the very feminized violence they have suffered hit hard and isn't something i've seen explored in much detail in other trans stories.
May 18, 2025
Interesting to see the authors point of view in regards to their gender identity which can relate to any of us, especially when others be ignorant about it.
March 29, 2023
Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for the advance copy in exchange for an honest review.
I've really been enjoying the influx in English-translated manga memoirs - I think the style can lend itself well to exploring and expressing the emotions involved in recounting the past and reconciling it with the present. Until I Love Myself was no exception - it is a difficult read but a great one on author Pesuyama's experiences as a nonbinary person who experienced workplace sexual harassment.
The story is framed by the horrible sexual harassment they experienced while working as an assistant to another manga artist - before going back to look at their own childhood and exploring how the sexual harassment, bullying, and gendered expectations they faced then still affects them now.
I really appreciated the way that they used these experiences to explore how the current cultural attitude towards sexual harassment has really changed, even in the past 10 years - and how it can be hard for those who have lived through the trauma to deal with this changing world, even if when these changes are positive.
As a nonbinary person who could relate to some aspects of their story, I also really liked the exploration of their resentment towards their body that has been deemed "female" by society - and how that is different and yet tied up in their own gender dysphoria. They would be nonbinary regardless of what had happened to them, but they have also ruminated on how these traumas have exacerbated their dysphoria and pain.
At times the art style seemed a bit rough (which is my biggest complaint), but I also thought it could be wonderfully expressive; Pesuyama's depiction of how they felt when the manga artist touched them without permission felt so visceral and real.
Overall, I really enjoyed this title. I thought Pesuyama did a great job of telling their story and exploring how these experiences have affected them - and connecting it to the bigger picture. I would read more volumes of their work.
I've really been enjoying the influx in English-translated manga memoirs - I think the style can lend itself well to exploring and expressing the emotions involved in recounting the past and reconciling it with the present. Until I Love Myself was no exception - it is a difficult read but a great one on author Pesuyama's experiences as a nonbinary person who experienced workplace sexual harassment.
The story is framed by the horrible sexual harassment they experienced while working as an assistant to another manga artist - before going back to look at their own childhood and exploring how the sexual harassment, bullying, and gendered expectations they faced then still affects them now.
I really appreciated the way that they used these experiences to explore how the current cultural attitude towards sexual harassment has really changed, even in the past 10 years - and how it can be hard for those who have lived through the trauma to deal with this changing world, even if when these changes are positive.
As a nonbinary person who could relate to some aspects of their story, I also really liked the exploration of their resentment towards their body that has been deemed "female" by society - and how that is different and yet tied up in their own gender dysphoria. They would be nonbinary regardless of what had happened to them, but they have also ruminated on how these traumas have exacerbated their dysphoria and pain.
At times the art style seemed a bit rough (which is my biggest complaint), but I also thought it could be wonderfully expressive; Pesuyama's depiction of how they felt when the manga artist touched them without permission felt so visceral and real.
Overall, I really enjoyed this title. I thought Pesuyama did a great job of telling their story and exploring how these experiences have affected them - and connecting it to the bigger picture. I would read more volumes of their work.
July 19, 2023
This graphic novel broke me. Poppy's life and how they depict each and every pivotal interaction in their life just words can not describe it. I felt the pain, fear, loneliness, and helplessness each page conveyed. Poppy's art style and stroytelling all drove this book home. Deep in my heart I will always love and cherish this manga and Poppy's story. I look forward to each volume that comes out, even if it makes me cry.
Thank you Netgalley for allowing me to read this.
Thank you Netgalley for allowing me to read this.
December 14, 2023
Out of this world.
It makes for tough reading, but Until I Love Myself is a deeply moving, well drawn and framed, easy to follow, and perfectly paced manga. Seriously, you have to check it out.
Looking forward to reading the second volume.
It makes for tough reading, but Until I Love Myself is a deeply moving, well drawn and framed, easy to follow, and perfectly paced manga. Seriously, you have to check it out.
Looking forward to reading the second volume.
January 17, 2024
I was actually interested in reading this because I was hoping to learn more about non-binary and the dilemmas they go through and I’ll tell you right now this is definitely a hard read because of the trigger warnings of sexual harassment body violation bullying and the traumatic events The author goes through I hope the author is doing well after the trauma that they are endured usually I’m not a fan of the art style that’s in this but I think for this one it actually works I might read part two but this is just kind of a hard read
April 14, 2025
This is a great read from a non-binary perspective. I highly recommend picking this up.
June 12, 2023
TW: sexual harassment, eating disorder, mental health issues, flashbacks
At first I thought this was going to be a manga autobiography with a whiny undertone (because half of them I've read seem to carry that) but I quickly realized the author seemed to themselves as pathetic and not normal, for most of their lives. Not only were they dealing with their gender identity since a small child but then they got sexually harassed which made them mentally ill. Although I cannot relate to the authors harassment their journey with gender identity really resonated with me. I'm in a very similar situation in life where I'm a trans and nonbinary person who hasn't transitioned and being unhappy in your body. I would definitely recommend this to readers who like manga autobiographies and/or queer stories but I don't think I'd recommend this to a casual reader or anything.
At first I thought this was going to be a manga autobiography with a whiny undertone (because half of them I've read seem to carry that) but I quickly realized the author seemed to themselves as pathetic and not normal, for most of their lives. Not only were they dealing with their gender identity since a small child but then they got sexually harassed which made them mentally ill. Although I cannot relate to the authors harassment their journey with gender identity really resonated with me. I'm in a very similar situation in life where I'm a trans and nonbinary person who hasn't transitioned and being unhappy in your body. I would definitely recommend this to readers who like manga autobiographies and/or queer stories but I don't think I'd recommend this to a casual reader or anything.
June 25, 2023
This was really well done. Pesuyama depicted anxiety SO PERFECTLY. Even if you don’t experience their particular reasons for anxiety, it is so viscerally relatable. A few panels in particular just NAIL it.
And, unlike some comic memoirs I have read, they are very self aware. The bad thoughts and habits are acknowledged, even if they are/were unable to break free of them.
For example, a certain other non-binary/x-gender memoir I read was incredibly woman hating. They presented their beliefs as facts of womanhood. Pesuyama, on the other hand, acknowledges that when they were treating a more femme presenting friend poorly it was because of their own internalized trauma
I’m definitely looking forward to the next volume.
And, unlike some comic memoirs I have read, they are very self aware. The bad thoughts and habits are acknowledged, even if they are/were unable to break free of them.
For example, a certain other non-binary/x-gender memoir I read was incredibly woman hating. They presented their beliefs as facts of womanhood. Pesuyama, on the other hand, acknowledges that when they were treating a more femme presenting friend poorly it was because of their own internalized trauma
I’m definitely looking forward to the next volume.
March 13, 2023
3.5 stars 🌟
Thank you, Viz Media & and NetGalley, for allowing me to read and review this manga memoir and give my honest opinion.
The fact that social norms allowed and still allow for sexual harassment to happen and some people never defend victims is truly upsetting. Really brave to allow us to see their experiences and also show us their journey with gender.
Felt the story structure could have been different, but it's their story, so I understand.
Thank you, Viz Media & and NetGalley, for allowing me to read and review this manga memoir and give my honest opinion.
The fact that social norms allowed and still allow for sexual harassment to happen and some people never defend victims is truly upsetting. Really brave to allow us to see their experiences and also show us their journey with gender.
Felt the story structure could have been different, but it's their story, so I understand.
August 6, 2023
This manga hit incredibly hard. It deals with issues of sexual harassment and depression intermixed with the artist's gender dysphoria, creating a book that took me through an emotional roller coaster. This is another manga I'd recommend to others, especially since it left me with a desperate need to know what happens next in the story of the artist's life. I will definitely look into the next issue when it comes out!
August 22, 2023
Thank you NetGalley, VIZ Media, and VIZ Media LLC for access to this arc!
5/5 stars
Oof this was such a heavy and infuriating read! I feel so badly for all the bullshit Pesuyama has had to endure. I'm really, really glad they had some friends that truly supported them. Reading all the stuff that X did while they were working at their first job as a manga artist felt so disgusting and also so familiar. Why are men?
5/5 stars
Oof this was such a heavy and infuriating read! I feel so badly for all the bullshit Pesuyama has had to endure. I'm really, really glad they had some friends that truly supported them. Reading all the stuff that X did while they were working at their first job as a manga artist felt so disgusting and also so familiar. Why are men?
November 13, 2023
Tämä ensimmäinen osa oli aivan loistava, toivottavasti jatkokin on yhtä hyvää. Parhaimpia hetkeen lukemiani esseemangoja. Pesuyaman kokemuksia on mielenkiintoista (ja vähän karmeaa) lukea, mutta manga on myös tietopohjaiseksi hirveän viihdyttävä.
December 3, 2023
just happened to see this at a bookstore and picked it up on a whim. I’m not sure what i expected but this is one of the best manga/graphic novels I’ve ever read and it’s also one of the best queer works I’ve ever read. Really impressive. TW for sexual harassment.
July 17, 2023
Some heavy stuff in here
October 30, 2023
Auto-bio comics can fall into the trap of being rather flat visually but this has such brilliant cartooning. Page 27 is my favorite page/drawing in the book.
December 29, 2023
CW: Sexual Assault and Harassment.
June 27, 2024
happy pride :)
April 30, 2025
Wow, I can’t believe it took me so long to finish this.
This volume follows Pesuyama and their journey of not only surviving sexual harassment, but their real and unfiltered thoughts about themselves, gender and more. To write something this deep about oneself sounds incredibly hard so I commend them for being able to do so. Speaking up about abuse is difficult for many but I’m glad they were able to reach out to be saved by drawing the situations vs having to verbally say them to someone.
I cringed so hard when the editor told them about a shareholder wanting the story to end in a reconciliation. There is often no reconciliation for those who have been wronged in such ways and I’m glad society has evolved to the point where saying that isn’t ludicrous. But as Pesuyama-San mentioned…what about everyone before society started to become understanding? Who listened and believed their suffering?
It feels weird to rate a story about someone’s own personal experience but I am glad to have read this volume and gotten to see the ugly truth of how some events can catastrophically change peoples lives, behaviors and closeness with others. I will for sure be picking up the next volume to see how it plays out.
Thanks to NetGalley and the publisher for the DRC!
This volume follows Pesuyama and their journey of not only surviving sexual harassment, but their real and unfiltered thoughts about themselves, gender and more. To write something this deep about oneself sounds incredibly hard so I commend them for being able to do so. Speaking up about abuse is difficult for many but I’m glad they were able to reach out to be saved by drawing the situations vs having to verbally say them to someone.
I cringed so hard when the editor told them about a shareholder wanting the story to end in a reconciliation. There is often no reconciliation for those who have been wronged in such ways and I’m glad society has evolved to the point where saying that isn’t ludicrous. But as Pesuyama-San mentioned…what about everyone before society started to become understanding? Who listened and believed their suffering?
It feels weird to rate a story about someone’s own personal experience but I am glad to have read this volume and gotten to see the ugly truth of how some events can catastrophically change peoples lives, behaviors and closeness with others. I will for sure be picking up the next volume to see how it plays out.
Thanks to NetGalley and the publisher for the DRC!
May 16, 2024
UNTIL I LOVE MYSELF ist ein autobiografischer Manga: Pesuyama identifiziert sich als nonbinär, und wir verfolgen deren Weg von einem toxischen Arbeitsumfeld in der Manga-Industrie, geprägt von s_xuellen Übergriffen, bis hin zu deren Erfahrungen mit Geschlechtsdysphorie und geschlechtsspezifischer Gewalt im Alltag. Dabei erleben wir durch deren Freund*innen die verschiedenen Facetten des queeren Aufwachsens in Japan.
Der Manga war für mich emotional sehr herausfordernd. Pesuyama beschreibt s_xuelle Gewalt, die dey während der Schule & Arbeit ertragen musste. Die brutale Ehrlichkeit findet in teils starken Zeichnungen Ausdruck.
Trotz der Schwere der Themen ist es ein durchdachter Manga, der sich über das typische trans Narrativ hinwegsetzt. Pesuyama beschäftigt sich nicht nur mit patriarchaler Gewalt, sondern reflektiert auch den eigenen internalisierten ‘Frauenhass’. Warum kann Pesuyama dem ‘weiblichen Körper’ nicht verzeihen? Liegt es an eigenen festgesetzten Gedankenmustern oder steckt dahinter Geschlechtsdysphorie? Was ist der Unterschied?
Durch eine Agentin findet Pesuyama – in Form eines Mangas – einen Weg, das zu zeigen, was dey nicht in Worte fassen kann. Kurz hatte ich Angst, dass jetzt eine ‘und-dann-hat-ein-cis-Mensch-Pesuyama-gerettet’-Geschichte folgt, aber genau mit diesem Narrativ spielt der Manga und setzt sich gekonnt darüber hinweg.
Würde ich diesen Manga weiterempfehlen? Zumindest nicht als leichte Lektüre für zwischendurch. Der Manga ist klug & unglaublich ehrlich. Darin liegt seine Stärke. Durch die schweren Themen wie Essstörungen und s_xuelle Gewalt hatte ich aber persönlich (!!) Schwierigkeiten, weiterzulesen, und brauchte immer wieder Pausen.
Trotzdem bin ich unglaublich dankbar dafür, dass Pesuyama mit dem Manga einen Weg gefunden hat, deren Geschichte zu erzählen, und dass wir die Chance haben, sie lesen zu dürfen. Ich denke, deren Geschichte ist für alle eine Bereicherung und eine Einladung, unsere eigenen Gedankenmuster zu erkennen & zu reflektieren.
Der Manga war für mich emotional sehr herausfordernd. Pesuyama beschreibt s_xuelle Gewalt, die dey während der Schule & Arbeit ertragen musste. Die brutale Ehrlichkeit findet in teils starken Zeichnungen Ausdruck.
Trotz der Schwere der Themen ist es ein durchdachter Manga, der sich über das typische trans Narrativ hinwegsetzt. Pesuyama beschäftigt sich nicht nur mit patriarchaler Gewalt, sondern reflektiert auch den eigenen internalisierten ‘Frauenhass’. Warum kann Pesuyama dem ‘weiblichen Körper’ nicht verzeihen? Liegt es an eigenen festgesetzten Gedankenmustern oder steckt dahinter Geschlechtsdysphorie? Was ist der Unterschied?
Durch eine Agentin findet Pesuyama – in Form eines Mangas – einen Weg, das zu zeigen, was dey nicht in Worte fassen kann. Kurz hatte ich Angst, dass jetzt eine ‘und-dann-hat-ein-cis-Mensch-Pesuyama-gerettet’-Geschichte folgt, aber genau mit diesem Narrativ spielt der Manga und setzt sich gekonnt darüber hinweg.
Würde ich diesen Manga weiterempfehlen? Zumindest nicht als leichte Lektüre für zwischendurch. Der Manga ist klug & unglaublich ehrlich. Darin liegt seine Stärke. Durch die schweren Themen wie Essstörungen und s_xuelle Gewalt hatte ich aber persönlich (!!) Schwierigkeiten, weiterzulesen, und brauchte immer wieder Pausen.
Trotzdem bin ich unglaublich dankbar dafür, dass Pesuyama mit dem Manga einen Weg gefunden hat, deren Geschichte zu erzählen, und dass wir die Chance haben, sie lesen zu dürfen. Ich denke, deren Geschichte ist für alle eine Bereicherung und eine Einladung, unsere eigenen Gedankenmuster zu erkennen & zu reflektieren.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
October 21, 2024
[Reviewed by a Nonbinary person] I wasn't sure what to think upon reading this as I've read X-gender and was not happy about it as someone who also is Nonbinary (Trans). However, reading this manga has really made me feel seen in ways that I have never been able to be seen until now. Pesuyama (which is the preferred named to be used) was asked by a friend in grade school which name was preferred to be used when being addressed and I've NEVER gotten that. A bit jelous that there are people willing and able to not only see you and accept you but also support you. It seems even the artist had blind support from the mom. I understand being blind to the gender people presume you as and people around you are pushy to make you fit in a box that makes them comfortable or they think you should be in. Like the artist, I always had predominantly male friends growing up and even now. I appreciate the ones that love me and have been there for me regardless of my identity as well as my partner. I, too, was sexually assualted as the artist goes onto document in the manga. There is even instances of having complications with friends growing up due to society trying to enforce things based off of assumption. Like thinking two people out together must be on a date especially if you think both is opposite cisgenders. I've been abused upon growing up mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually with no family to be there for me to defend me or supposrt me. I loved the cliffhnager as there is a volume 2 (I just purchased it in preparation of finishing this first volume). I wish I did actually have family that loved me and supported me. It's not explicitly stated in the manga, but I'm almost think we are in the same situation when it comes to lonliness. Maybe volume 2 will touch on that. I like how my family isn't even around especially during this election cycle where people like me are demonized against...
Love your work Pesuyama; you're my hero.
Love your work Pesuyama; you're my hero.
December 2, 2023
A well deserved 4.5 for an amazing and frank autobiographical manga that covers a wide range of topics regarding Pesuyama's experience as xgender, their realization of it, their various traumas, and the intersectionality of it as they trek through their past.
I really enjoyed this autobiographical story. Not only did Poppy tell us about their history and the long list of events and circumstances that led to their struggles with gender and acceptance but they tie into society at large. I was not expecting the commentary on the evolution of society or the long-standing pervasive issues on gender and double-standards but it was a welcome addition that shed light on both Poppy’s story and in the world they have lived in.
The art is simple but that’s not bad. The focus is clearly on telling their experiences and not only looking “pretty.” But the artwork is still strong in it’s simplicity with great paneling choices that accentuate how Poppy feels or how the world feels around them.
As a closing thought… I’m glad Poppy is as much of a disaster enby as I am. The occasional panels reflecting their overwhelmedness was very relatable.
I really enjoyed this autobiographical story. Not only did Poppy tell us about their history and the long list of events and circumstances that led to their struggles with gender and acceptance but they tie into society at large. I was not expecting the commentary on the evolution of society or the long-standing pervasive issues on gender and double-standards but it was a welcome addition that shed light on both Poppy’s story and in the world they have lived in.
The art is simple but that’s not bad. The focus is clearly on telling their experiences and not only looking “pretty.” But the artwork is still strong in it’s simplicity with great paneling choices that accentuate how Poppy feels or how the world feels around them.
As a closing thought… I’m glad Poppy is as much of a disaster enby as I am. The occasional panels reflecting their overwhelmedness was very relatable.
January 1, 2024
**An extra warning is needed as this manga deals with themes of sexual harassment, self loathing, mental health and body dysphoria. This is a heavy story that is worth reading, but will take a lot of mental energy.**
There’s a particular type of pain when people see you as something you’re not. Poppy Pesuyama is all too familiar with this and has been dealing with it for most of their life. Year after year the world insists that they are a girl, but that doesn’t fit. It never really has. Not around their mother’s expectations, their school mate’s jeers, their coworker’s abuse or even just buried deep within their own thoughts. Poppy’s world is a painful and unwelcoming place, especially since they’re living in a body they can’t stand or forgive. The sexual harassment of seven years ago is really only the tip of the iceberg they’re dealing with...
Read the full review at Well, Are They? A Queer Review Blog:
https://wellarethey.blogspot.com/2023...
There’s a particular type of pain when people see you as something you’re not. Poppy Pesuyama is all too familiar with this and has been dealing with it for most of their life. Year after year the world insists that they are a girl, but that doesn’t fit. It never really has. Not around their mother’s expectations, their school mate’s jeers, their coworker’s abuse or even just buried deep within their own thoughts. Poppy’s world is a painful and unwelcoming place, especially since they’re living in a body they can’t stand or forgive. The sexual harassment of seven years ago is really only the tip of the iceberg they’re dealing with...
Read the full review at Well, Are They? A Queer Review Blog:
https://wellarethey.blogspot.com/2023...
Read
January 21, 2025This was a heavy read with its depictions of the effects of trauma. There was a strong sense of the author’s isolation and dissociation as they faced a lack of understanding and support from many people in their life on top of the violations to which they were subjected.
Even when they did find support (and let themself accept it), there was still the bitterness of recognizing all the years that passed when that wasn’t available. Pesuyama’s talk with the lawyer about how their case against X might have gone seven years ago at the time the harassment occurred versus the present was as much depressing as uplifting. There’s been progress but it’s hard to acknowledge without feeling the weight and hopelessness of those years that came before.
The art style was simple and cartoony but still conveyed much emotion. The author’s stress and struggling mental state came through in the rough line work and expressive character design.
Even when they did find support (and let themself accept it), there was still the bitterness of recognizing all the years that passed when that wasn’t available. Pesuyama’s talk with the lawyer about how their case against X might have gone seven years ago at the time the harassment occurred versus the present was as much depressing as uplifting. There’s been progress but it’s hard to acknowledge without feeling the weight and hopelessness of those years that came before.
The art style was simple and cartoony but still conveyed much emotion. The author’s stress and struggling mental state came through in the rough line work and expressive character design.
September 10, 2024
Very heavy and very personal I found myself really feeling the raw emotion the mangaka wrote. The manga feels like vent art, rather than the trans memoir comics where it has to explain the concept of gender everytime. This volume at least was more about the authors experience with SA and the relationship to hating their afab body. As a trans guy assigned female at birth I think the story felt more personal to me as someone with similar experiences rejecting gender. I think the volume gets too meditative and feels like a diary venting their emotions but I found I was invested in Pseuyama's story. It does gets a bit too rambly and dialouge heavy, just explaining thoughts over and over again.
Even though it got pretty heavy at times, the story was really worth reading for me.
I like raw queer stories like this, I think it's defiently worth reading for trans allies as well.
Even though it got pretty heavy at times, the story was really worth reading for me.
I like raw queer stories like this, I think it's defiently worth reading for trans allies as well.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 119 reviews