What do you think?
Rate this book
A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows through Loss
A Gracer Disguised plumbs the depth of our sorrows, whether due to illness, divorce, or the loss of someone we love. The circumstances are not important, says the author; what we do with those circumstances is.
224 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1995
690 people are currently reading
5189 people want to read
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 499 reviews
June 30, 2011
I was given this book to read over ago after my son died. A friend in my church loaned it to me, and for the longest time I wasn't able to read it. It's not that I didn't want to: I recognized quickly how I healed and learned through reading books about grief and hearing stories of how others have mourned. But reading about grief is exhausting: not only do you begin to wear and experience the grief of the author, you also are forced to revisit the grief that you carry. And so reading about grief - for me - becomes a delicate balance. The desire to heal and cope must be greater than the fear of re-living the pain. The vulnerability I need to expose my soul and heart and mind must be stronger than my propensity to not cry and mourn.
This book is a Christian grief classic. It should be mandatory reading for anyone who has grieves the (sudden) death of a loved one and for anyone who counsels those who mourn. It's an autobiography of searing pain that began one horrible night and has stretched on for years. The only qualifications Gerald Sittser needs is his painful loss of family in a sudden accident. In a tragic instant, he is set on a path of becoming an 'expert' on grieving and healing.
To me, this author and his writings have been an extremely valuable guide and comfort on my journey of grief. His transparency, his insight, and his courage to face the tough stuff of grief provides a surreal "feels like I'm there" perspective as you travel with him through the highs and lows of his family's journey. It will be a book that I return to read again, and it will be a book that I continue to reference as I care for those who mourn.
[review originally posted at http://ypinabby.blogspot.com/2011/04/...]
This book is a Christian grief classic. It should be mandatory reading for anyone who has grieves the (sudden) death of a loved one and for anyone who counsels those who mourn. It's an autobiography of searing pain that began one horrible night and has stretched on for years. The only qualifications Gerald Sittser needs is his painful loss of family in a sudden accident. In a tragic instant, he is set on a path of becoming an 'expert' on grieving and healing.
To me, this author and his writings have been an extremely valuable guide and comfort on my journey of grief. His transparency, his insight, and his courage to face the tough stuff of grief provides a surreal "feels like I'm there" perspective as you travel with him through the highs and lows of his family's journey. It will be a book that I return to read again, and it will be a book that I continue to reference as I care for those who mourn.
[review originally posted at http://ypinabby.blogspot.com/2011/04/...]
August 22, 2024
“Even though many good things came out of the accident, it was still a bad event.”
Why do i attempt making horrible events good? Or fixing up someone else’s nightmare by searching for reasons why this was all the perfect plan?
When it just wasn’t.
When God, the Father, is weeping too.
When this world is broken. Not whole.
And when this wasn’t the original plan for mankind.
Nightmares remain nightmares.
Horrible events still happen.
And somehow in the middle of them— is people. People that need Hope.
That is this book. A raw, realistic dive into deep grief and loss.
My review is turning into a rant— go read the book instead.😜
Why do i attempt making horrible events good? Or fixing up someone else’s nightmare by searching for reasons why this was all the perfect plan?
When it just wasn’t.
When God, the Father, is weeping too.
When this world is broken. Not whole.
And when this wasn’t the original plan for mankind.
Nightmares remain nightmares.
Horrible events still happen.
And somehow in the middle of them— is people. People that need Hope.
That is this book. A raw, realistic dive into deep grief and loss.
My review is turning into a rant— go read the book instead.😜
April 23, 2009
This is a great soul care book.
Although his tragic story is about losing his wife, child and mother in a car accident and being left to raise three children alone, his focus is not on his story but on "What meaning can be gained from suffering, and how can we grow through suffering?" The things he learned can be applied to more than just loss due to death of a loved one. I found him to be very insightful and applicable.
Here are some quotes that have stood out to me:
"Die before you die. There is no chance after." by C.S. Lewis
page 42
The quickest way for anyone to reach the sun and the light of day is not to run west, chasing after the setting sun, but to head east, plunging into the darkness until one comes to the sunrise.
I discovered at that moment that I had the power to choose the direction my life would head, even if the only choice open to me, at least initially, was either to run from the loss or face it as best I could. Since I knew that darkness was inevitable and unavoidable, I decided from that point on to walk into the darkness rather than try to outrun it, to let my experience of loss take me on a journey wherever it would lead, and to allow myself to be transformed by my suffering rather than to think I could somehow avoid it. I chose to turn toward the pain, however falteringly, and to yield to the loss, though I had no idea at the time what that would mean.
page 45
The decision to face the darkness, even if it led to overwhelming pain, showed me that the experience of loss itself does not have to be the defining moment of our lives. Instead, the defining moment can be our response to the loss. It is not what happens to us that matters as much as what happens in us. Darkness, it is true, had invaded my soul. But then again, so did light. Both contributed to my personal transformation.....
...although I experienced death, I also experienced life in ways that I never thought possible before - not after the darkness, as we might suppose, but in the darkness. I did not go through pain and come out the other side; instead, I lived in it and found within that pain the grace to survive and eventually grow. I did not get over the loss of my loved ones; rather, I absorbed the loss into my life, like soil receives decaying matter, until it became a part of who I am. Sorrow took up permanent residence in my soul and enlarged it. I learned gradually that the deeper we plunge into suffering, the deeper we can enter into a new, and different life - a life no worse than before and sometimes better. A willingness to face the loss and to enter into the darkness is the first step we must take. Like all first steps, it is probably the most difficult and takes the most time.
....We do not always have the freedom to choose the roles we must play in life, but we can choose how we are going to play the roles we have been given.
page 48
(he is talking about Frankl's book, learning from Nazi prisoners)
They learned that tragedy can increase the soul's capacity for darkness and light, for pleasure as well as for pain, for hope as well as for dejection. The soul contains a capacity to know and love God, to become virtuous, to learn truth, and to live by moral conviction. The soul is elastic, like a balloon. It can grow larger through suffering. Loss can enlarge its capacity for anger, depression, despair, and anguish, all natural and legitimate emotions whenever we experience loss. Once enlarged, the soul is also capable of experiencing greater joy, strength, peace, and love. What we consider opposites - east and west, night and light, sorrow and joy, weakness and strength, anger and love, despair and hope, death and life - are no more mutually exclusive than winter and sunlight. The soul has the capacity to experience these opposites, even at the same time.
page 49
It is therefore not true that we become less through loss - unless we allow the loss to make us less, grinding our soul down until there is nothing left but an external self entirely under the control of circumstances. Loss can also make us more. In the darkness we can still find the light. In death we can also find life. It depends on the choices we make. Though these choices are difficult and rarely made in haste or with ease, we can nevertheless make them. Only when we choose to pay attention to our soul will we learn how much more there is to life than the external world around us, however wonderful or horrible that world is.
We experience the ambivalence of living simultaneously in the night and in the light.
page 52
I knew that running from the darkness would only lead to greater darkness later on. I also knew that my soul had the capacity to grow - to absorb evil and good, to die and live again, to suffer abandonment and find God. In choosing to face the night, I took my first steps toward the sunrise.
page 56
Denial puts off what should be faced. People in denial refuse to see loss for what it is, something terrible that cannot be reversed. They dodge pain rather than confront it. But their unwillingness to face pain comes at a price. Ultimately it diminishes the capacity of their soul to grow bigger in response to pain. They make the same mistake as patients who, following major surgery, refuse to get out of bed and put damaged muscles back to work. They pretend nothing is wrong and tell everyone that they are feeling wonderful. But denial of their problem causes muscles to atrophy until they cannot get out of bed at all. In the end denial leads to a greater loss.
page 142-143
But forgiveness is costly. Forgiving people must give up the right to get even, a right that is not so easy to relinquish. They must show mercy when their human sensibilities tell them to punish. Not that a desire for justice is wrong. A person can both forgive and strive for justice. Wrong that is forgiven is still wrong done and must be punished. Mercy does not abrogate justice; it transcends it.
However difficult, forgiveness in the end brings freedom to the one who gives it. Forgiving people let God run the universe. They let God punish wrongdoers as he wills, and they let God show mercy as he wills too.
page 145
Though forgiveness may not have an ending, it has a beginning. It begins when victims identify the wrong done to them and feel the anger that naturally rises in the soul. They realize that what happened to them was inexcusable and should not have happened. Before victims can show mercy, in other words, they must claim justice. Before they can forgive, they must accuse.
Anything short of holding wrongdoers accountable for their actions is an insult to the wrongdoers themselves. It reduces them to something less than human, for one of the primary characteristics of being human is knowing what constitutes right and wrong and what it means to be responsible, whether one chooses to be or not. ....To dismiss wrong done because it was done out of ignorance or sickness or a bad background is to violate the wrongdoer's humanity. The starting point of forgiveness, then, is a recognition that the person or persons who did the wrong were in fact wrong. They knew better and could have - even should have - done otherwise.
page 146
Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. Not only is forgetting impossible for most people, considering the enormity of suffering; it is also unhealthy. Our memory of the past is not neutral. It can poison us or heal us, depending upon how we remember it. Remembering the wrong done can make us a prisoner to pain and hatred, or it can make us the recipient of the grace, love, and healing power of God. The experience of loss does not have to leave us with the memory of a painful event that stands alone, like a towering monument that dominates the landscape of our lives. Loss can also leave us with the memory of a wonderful story. It can function as a catalyst that pushes us in a new direction, like a closed road that forces us to turn around and find another way to our destinaion. Who knows what we will discover and see along the way?
pages 176-177
When people suffering loss do find community, it comes as a result of conscious choices they and other people make. First of all, it requires a choice on the part of those who want to provide community for suffering friends. They must be willing to be changed by someone else's loss, though they might not have been directly affected by it. Good comfort requires empathy, forces adjustments, and sometimes mandates huge sacrifices. Comforters must be prepared to let the pain of another become their own and so let it transform them. They will never be the same after that decision. Their own world will be permanently altered by the presence of one who suffers. It will bring an end to detachment, control, and convenience. It will prevent them from ever thinking again that the world is a safe place full of nice people, positive experiences, and favorable circumstances.
page 182
I realized soon after the accident that I had another significant responsibility to fulfill too, and that concerned my role in the community as an interpreter of my experience. Friends wanted to listen and empathize; but they also wanted to learn, to reflect on the universal nature of suffering, and to make meaning for their own lives. So we became a reflective community together. I have told these friends many times how thankful I am for their sympathetic concern, and they have told me how grateful they are for the opportunity to find meaning for their lives in my experience of suffering. They were thus willing to be changed; I was willing to exercise responsibility. They never felt manipulated and used; I never felt patronized and pressured. The result was a mutuality in our relationships. All of us contributed, and all of us gained.
The result was love. We learned to love more deeply. That was especially, though not exclusively, true for me. I hesitated at first to risk loving again. There was a protective reflex in me that made me want to turn my back on everyone, even my own family. ....Eventually I had to decide, however, to become a contributing member of the community once again, not only willing to receive but also to give love.
page 183
The risk of further loss, therefore, poses a dilemma. The problem of choosing to love again is that the choice to love means living under the constant threat of further loss. But the problem of choosing not to love is that the choice to turn from love means imperiling the life of the soul, for the soul thrives in an environment of love. Soul-full people love; soul-less people do not. If people want thteir souls to grow through loss, whatever the loss is, they must eventually decide to love even more deeply than they did before. They must respond to the loss by embracing love with renewed energy and commitment.
page 195
Heritage has always been important to me...Much of who I am is a product of the heritage given me at my birth. My story is part of a much larger story that I did not choose. I was assigned a role for which I did not audition. Yet I have the power to choose how I will live out that story and play that role. I want to live my story well and play my role with as much integrity and joy as I can.
page 200
The supreme challenge to anyone facing catastrophic loss involves facing the darkness of the loss on the one hand, and learning to live with renewed vitality and gratitude on the other. This challenge is met when we learn to take the loss into ourselves and to be enlarged by it, so that our capacity to live life well and to know God intimately increases. To escape the loss is far less healthy - and far less realistic, considering how devastating loss can be - than to grow from it. Loss can diminish us, but it can also expand us. It depends, once again, on the choices we make and the grace we receive. Loss can function as a catalyst to transform us. It can lead us to God, the only One who has the desire and power to give us life.
page 212
I have this sense that the story God has begun to write he will finish. That story will be good. The accident remains now, as it always has been, a horrible experience that did great damage to us and to so many others. It was and will remain a very bad chapter. But the whole of my life is becoming what appears to be a very good book.
Although his tragic story is about losing his wife, child and mother in a car accident and being left to raise three children alone, his focus is not on his story but on "What meaning can be gained from suffering, and how can we grow through suffering?" The things he learned can be applied to more than just loss due to death of a loved one. I found him to be very insightful and applicable.
Here are some quotes that have stood out to me:
"Die before you die. There is no chance after." by C.S. Lewis
page 42
The quickest way for anyone to reach the sun and the light of day is not to run west, chasing after the setting sun, but to head east, plunging into the darkness until one comes to the sunrise.
I discovered at that moment that I had the power to choose the direction my life would head, even if the only choice open to me, at least initially, was either to run from the loss or face it as best I could. Since I knew that darkness was inevitable and unavoidable, I decided from that point on to walk into the darkness rather than try to outrun it, to let my experience of loss take me on a journey wherever it would lead, and to allow myself to be transformed by my suffering rather than to think I could somehow avoid it. I chose to turn toward the pain, however falteringly, and to yield to the loss, though I had no idea at the time what that would mean.
page 45
The decision to face the darkness, even if it led to overwhelming pain, showed me that the experience of loss itself does not have to be the defining moment of our lives. Instead, the defining moment can be our response to the loss. It is not what happens to us that matters as much as what happens in us. Darkness, it is true, had invaded my soul. But then again, so did light. Both contributed to my personal transformation.....
...although I experienced death, I also experienced life in ways that I never thought possible before - not after the darkness, as we might suppose, but in the darkness. I did not go through pain and come out the other side; instead, I lived in it and found within that pain the grace to survive and eventually grow. I did not get over the loss of my loved ones; rather, I absorbed the loss into my life, like soil receives decaying matter, until it became a part of who I am. Sorrow took up permanent residence in my soul and enlarged it. I learned gradually that the deeper we plunge into suffering, the deeper we can enter into a new, and different life - a life no worse than before and sometimes better. A willingness to face the loss and to enter into the darkness is the first step we must take. Like all first steps, it is probably the most difficult and takes the most time.
....We do not always have the freedom to choose the roles we must play in life, but we can choose how we are going to play the roles we have been given.
page 48
(he is talking about Frankl's book, learning from Nazi prisoners)
They learned that tragedy can increase the soul's capacity for darkness and light, for pleasure as well as for pain, for hope as well as for dejection. The soul contains a capacity to know and love God, to become virtuous, to learn truth, and to live by moral conviction. The soul is elastic, like a balloon. It can grow larger through suffering. Loss can enlarge its capacity for anger, depression, despair, and anguish, all natural and legitimate emotions whenever we experience loss. Once enlarged, the soul is also capable of experiencing greater joy, strength, peace, and love. What we consider opposites - east and west, night and light, sorrow and joy, weakness and strength, anger and love, despair and hope, death and life - are no more mutually exclusive than winter and sunlight. The soul has the capacity to experience these opposites, even at the same time.
page 49
It is therefore not true that we become less through loss - unless we allow the loss to make us less, grinding our soul down until there is nothing left but an external self entirely under the control of circumstances. Loss can also make us more. In the darkness we can still find the light. In death we can also find life. It depends on the choices we make. Though these choices are difficult and rarely made in haste or with ease, we can nevertheless make them. Only when we choose to pay attention to our soul will we learn how much more there is to life than the external world around us, however wonderful or horrible that world is.
We experience the ambivalence of living simultaneously in the night and in the light.
page 52
I knew that running from the darkness would only lead to greater darkness later on. I also knew that my soul had the capacity to grow - to absorb evil and good, to die and live again, to suffer abandonment and find God. In choosing to face the night, I took my first steps toward the sunrise.
page 56
Denial puts off what should be faced. People in denial refuse to see loss for what it is, something terrible that cannot be reversed. They dodge pain rather than confront it. But their unwillingness to face pain comes at a price. Ultimately it diminishes the capacity of their soul to grow bigger in response to pain. They make the same mistake as patients who, following major surgery, refuse to get out of bed and put damaged muscles back to work. They pretend nothing is wrong and tell everyone that they are feeling wonderful. But denial of their problem causes muscles to atrophy until they cannot get out of bed at all. In the end denial leads to a greater loss.
page 142-143
But forgiveness is costly. Forgiving people must give up the right to get even, a right that is not so easy to relinquish. They must show mercy when their human sensibilities tell them to punish. Not that a desire for justice is wrong. A person can both forgive and strive for justice. Wrong that is forgiven is still wrong done and must be punished. Mercy does not abrogate justice; it transcends it.
However difficult, forgiveness in the end brings freedom to the one who gives it. Forgiving people let God run the universe. They let God punish wrongdoers as he wills, and they let God show mercy as he wills too.
page 145
Though forgiveness may not have an ending, it has a beginning. It begins when victims identify the wrong done to them and feel the anger that naturally rises in the soul. They realize that what happened to them was inexcusable and should not have happened. Before victims can show mercy, in other words, they must claim justice. Before they can forgive, they must accuse.
Anything short of holding wrongdoers accountable for their actions is an insult to the wrongdoers themselves. It reduces them to something less than human, for one of the primary characteristics of being human is knowing what constitutes right and wrong and what it means to be responsible, whether one chooses to be or not. ....To dismiss wrong done because it was done out of ignorance or sickness or a bad background is to violate the wrongdoer's humanity. The starting point of forgiveness, then, is a recognition that the person or persons who did the wrong were in fact wrong. They knew better and could have - even should have - done otherwise.
page 146
Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. Not only is forgetting impossible for most people, considering the enormity of suffering; it is also unhealthy. Our memory of the past is not neutral. It can poison us or heal us, depending upon how we remember it. Remembering the wrong done can make us a prisoner to pain and hatred, or it can make us the recipient of the grace, love, and healing power of God. The experience of loss does not have to leave us with the memory of a painful event that stands alone, like a towering monument that dominates the landscape of our lives. Loss can also leave us with the memory of a wonderful story. It can function as a catalyst that pushes us in a new direction, like a closed road that forces us to turn around and find another way to our destinaion. Who knows what we will discover and see along the way?
pages 176-177
When people suffering loss do find community, it comes as a result of conscious choices they and other people make. First of all, it requires a choice on the part of those who want to provide community for suffering friends. They must be willing to be changed by someone else's loss, though they might not have been directly affected by it. Good comfort requires empathy, forces adjustments, and sometimes mandates huge sacrifices. Comforters must be prepared to let the pain of another become their own and so let it transform them. They will never be the same after that decision. Their own world will be permanently altered by the presence of one who suffers. It will bring an end to detachment, control, and convenience. It will prevent them from ever thinking again that the world is a safe place full of nice people, positive experiences, and favorable circumstances.
page 182
I realized soon after the accident that I had another significant responsibility to fulfill too, and that concerned my role in the community as an interpreter of my experience. Friends wanted to listen and empathize; but they also wanted to learn, to reflect on the universal nature of suffering, and to make meaning for their own lives. So we became a reflective community together. I have told these friends many times how thankful I am for their sympathetic concern, and they have told me how grateful they are for the opportunity to find meaning for their lives in my experience of suffering. They were thus willing to be changed; I was willing to exercise responsibility. They never felt manipulated and used; I never felt patronized and pressured. The result was a mutuality in our relationships. All of us contributed, and all of us gained.
The result was love. We learned to love more deeply. That was especially, though not exclusively, true for me. I hesitated at first to risk loving again. There was a protective reflex in me that made me want to turn my back on everyone, even my own family. ....Eventually I had to decide, however, to become a contributing member of the community once again, not only willing to receive but also to give love.
page 183
The risk of further loss, therefore, poses a dilemma. The problem of choosing to love again is that the choice to love means living under the constant threat of further loss. But the problem of choosing not to love is that the choice to turn from love means imperiling the life of the soul, for the soul thrives in an environment of love. Soul-full people love; soul-less people do not. If people want thteir souls to grow through loss, whatever the loss is, they must eventually decide to love even more deeply than they did before. They must respond to the loss by embracing love with renewed energy and commitment.
page 195
Heritage has always been important to me...Much of who I am is a product of the heritage given me at my birth. My story is part of a much larger story that I did not choose. I was assigned a role for which I did not audition. Yet I have the power to choose how I will live out that story and play that role. I want to live my story well and play my role with as much integrity and joy as I can.
page 200
The supreme challenge to anyone facing catastrophic loss involves facing the darkness of the loss on the one hand, and learning to live with renewed vitality and gratitude on the other. This challenge is met when we learn to take the loss into ourselves and to be enlarged by it, so that our capacity to live life well and to know God intimately increases. To escape the loss is far less healthy - and far less realistic, considering how devastating loss can be - than to grow from it. Loss can diminish us, but it can also expand us. It depends, once again, on the choices we make and the grace we receive. Loss can function as a catalyst to transform us. It can lead us to God, the only One who has the desire and power to give us life.
page 212
I have this sense that the story God has begun to write he will finish. That story will be good. The accident remains now, as it always has been, a horrible experience that did great damage to us and to so many others. It was and will remain a very bad chapter. But the whole of my life is becoming what appears to be a very good book.
December 3, 2018
Today, is the 35th anniversary of a great loss in my life, so it seems fitting I finished this book today. After all, there's something about the anniversary of loss, that can trigger memories and surprisingly, even intense grief after decades have passed. Truthfully, it has taken me a couple years to read Gerald Sittser's book, "A Grace Disguised." I picked it up two years ago after losing a beloved, young relative. At that time, I was in too much pain myself to read about the grief that Sittser experienced by losing his wife, mother, and young daughter, all in the same tragic accident.
I am very glad I came back to the book and finished it. As much as an individual wants to run from their losses in life, they can't. The author clearly defines, whether the loss is losing a loved one, a career opportunity, a failed relationship, a financial setback, or the loss of physical vitality, one must walk through the journey of grief to get to the other side. Sittser is truly a reluctant expert on this topic having lived through unimaginable tragedy. Still, the author leaves us with hope for the future. Not, that we will "get over" the loss, but rather, we can grow through it to arrive on the other side as he suggests. One of my favorite quotes from the book, is from the writings of a Puritan after the death of a loved one, "Now life will be a little less sweet, death a little less bitter"
I would give this book more than 5 stars if I could. It was quite helpful emotionally and spiritually comforting.
I am very glad I came back to the book and finished it. As much as an individual wants to run from their losses in life, they can't. The author clearly defines, whether the loss is losing a loved one, a career opportunity, a failed relationship, a financial setback, or the loss of physical vitality, one must walk through the journey of grief to get to the other side. Sittser is truly a reluctant expert on this topic having lived through unimaginable tragedy. Still, the author leaves us with hope for the future. Not, that we will "get over" the loss, but rather, we can grow through it to arrive on the other side as he suggests. One of my favorite quotes from the book, is from the writings of a Puritan after the death of a loved one, "Now life will be a little less sweet, death a little less bitter"
I would give this book more than 5 stars if I could. It was quite helpful emotionally and spiritually comforting.
October 4, 2017
This book has been THE MOST helpful book I have ever read in processing the loss of our son. The author gives the most raw and honest account of his pain but also the most hopeful tone and the insights have been mind blowing. I can't imagine how difficult it was for him to write this. My copy is now heavily underlined and I've found myself sharing the content with anyone who will listen. There's no "God had a reason" or "His ways are higher than ours." He talks of hope without diminishing the grief, joy without ignoring the pain, questions without disbelief and God without any shallow answers or callousness towards our sufferings
Seriously, if you are a living, breathing, maintaining a body temperature of 98.6 human being then you must. Read. This. Book. Even if you've never experienced great loss, I guarantee that the loved ones in your life who have needs the perspective and understanding of someone who has read this book. I wish I could give this 10 stars.
Thank you, Jerry Sittser for writing this book, ministering to my broken heart and helping me believe that my soul can grow and be enlarged in ways I never thought possible - not in spite of - but because of my loss.
Seriously, if you are a living, breathing, maintaining a body temperature of 98.6 human being then you must. Read. This. Book. Even if you've never experienced great loss, I guarantee that the loved ones in your life who have needs the perspective and understanding of someone who has read this book. I wish I could give this 10 stars.
Thank you, Jerry Sittser for writing this book, ministering to my broken heart and helping me believe that my soul can grow and be enlarged in ways I never thought possible - not in spite of - but because of my loss.
August 25, 2022
This will be a book I reread and recommend to others until I meet Jesus face to face.
September 9, 2021
One of the best books I have read. I wanted to savor every moment spent in its pages. In the midst of my own loss (albeit, very different from Sittser's), this book was deeply comforting and deeply convicting. Sittser's reflections changed my perspective on loss and grief, and deepened my convictions of who God is and what it means to live life fully (with all its emotions, joys, griefs, questions, and mundaneness) for and with Him. I plan to reread this many more times throughout my life.
December 24, 2022
I wish there was a rating beyond five stars. I believe everyone should read this book. It’s only the first time I’ve read it, and my copy is riddled with dog-eared pages so full of hastily written, tear-smudged notes, revelations, and reflections that it is hardly legible anymore. I have never wept so purely and personally while reading a book.
It was a beautiful invitation into the universal grief every person must be a part of as an inhabitant of this broken reality. Sittser gave me language to mourn, to rail against, to feel the depth of what it means to be fully awakened to mortality—my own and that of those I love. This was not a self care book. There are no instructions nor quick fixes. It was a breath of fresh air. Simply the honest testimony of a man who has undergone severe, sudden loss in his own life and wrestled with the God Who loves him. “The God I know has experienced pain and therefore understands my pain. In Jesus I have felt God’s tears, trembled before His death on the cross, and witnessed the redemptive power of His suffering. The Incarnation means that God cares so much that He chose to become human and suffer loss, though He never had to. I have grieved long and hard and intensely. But I have found comfort knowing that the sovereign God, who is in control of everything, is the same God who experienced the pain I live with every day. No matter how deep the pit into which I descend, I keep finding God there. He is not aloof from my suffering but draws near to me when I suffer.”
This book does not coddle. It does not fix nor does it vindicate. But the words will sit patiently in the dust with you, like a good and faithful friend. I know it has helped fill my heart with meekness and courage for the future. I wish I actually had the language to explain what this book now means to me, and what God has begun to show me through it. When y’all see me in person, don’t ask about this book unless you’re prepared for a chaotic, heartfelt, ten minute ramble. Just trust me and buy the book for yourself.
It was a beautiful invitation into the universal grief every person must be a part of as an inhabitant of this broken reality. Sittser gave me language to mourn, to rail against, to feel the depth of what it means to be fully awakened to mortality—my own and that of those I love. This was not a self care book. There are no instructions nor quick fixes. It was a breath of fresh air. Simply the honest testimony of a man who has undergone severe, sudden loss in his own life and wrestled with the God Who loves him. “The God I know has experienced pain and therefore understands my pain. In Jesus I have felt God’s tears, trembled before His death on the cross, and witnessed the redemptive power of His suffering. The Incarnation means that God cares so much that He chose to become human and suffer loss, though He never had to. I have grieved long and hard and intensely. But I have found comfort knowing that the sovereign God, who is in control of everything, is the same God who experienced the pain I live with every day. No matter how deep the pit into which I descend, I keep finding God there. He is not aloof from my suffering but draws near to me when I suffer.”
This book does not coddle. It does not fix nor does it vindicate. But the words will sit patiently in the dust with you, like a good and faithful friend. I know it has helped fill my heart with meekness and courage for the future. I wish I actually had the language to explain what this book now means to me, and what God has begun to show me through it. When y’all see me in person, don’t ask about this book unless you’re prepared for a chaotic, heartfelt, ten minute ramble. Just trust me and buy the book for yourself.
March 14, 2012
I FINALLY finished this book. It took me a year and a half to finish it. It wasn't a long read, but it is emotionally draining. I would recommend this book to anyone who has suffered loss. Loss of job, spouse, marriage, health, children, etc. One of the great aspects of this book is that Sittser doesn't quantify loss on a great scale of suffering, so this book can be universally helpful to all.
Jerry Sittser was a professor at my college and I had the opportunity to take a few classes from him. I had heard about his story (he lost his mother, wife and daughter in a car accident), but didn't become interested in reading this book until a few years ago.
I loved this book and hated it at the same time. It forced me to label and address some of my emotions, problems and things I just didn't want to think about.
Jerry Sittser was a professor at my college and I had the opportunity to take a few classes from him. I had heard about his story (he lost his mother, wife and daughter in a car accident), but didn't become interested in reading this book until a few years ago.
I loved this book and hated it at the same time. It forced me to label and address some of my emotions, problems and things I just didn't want to think about.
July 19, 2022
Had heard about the book for a long time before actually picking it up and I was glad I did. Everyone deals with loss in their life and this book helped give perspective. I very much appreciated the thoughts on grieving and mourning.
March 18, 2026
So so good!! Will definitely be rereading this in every stage of life. God’s grace is so good!
May 8, 2020
The quickest way for anyone to reach the sun and the light of day is not to run west, chasing after the setting sun, but to head east, plunging into the darkness until one comes to the sunrise.
.......
A friend recommended this book years ago, as the best she's ever read on grief. I started reading it when my father-in-law died a year ago, picked it up again when my mother-in-law died less than five months later, and then again when a friend's son committed suicide in December.
.......
Recovery is a misleading and empty expectation. We recover from broken limbs, not amputations. Catastrophic loss by definition precludes recovery. It will transform us or destroy us, but it will never leave us the same... Sorrow never entirely leaves the soul of those who have suffered severe loss... But this depth of sorrow is the sign of a healthy soul, not a sick soul.
.......
It is not a long book or an intellectually demanding book; it is, however, challenging, thought-provoking, and sometimes emotionally demanding. It took me a long time to read this book.
.......
I did not get over the loss of my loved ones; rather, I absorbed the loss into my life, like soil receives decaying matter, until it became a part of who I am. Sorrow took up permanent residence in my soul and enlarged it.
.......
The author shares his horrifically painful story of losing his daughter, mother and wife, all in one awful car wreck. He did not write this book as a "how to" manual, but more as a very personal story of how he processed and responded to his loss in the months and years that followed.
.......
It is therefore not true that we become less through loss—unless we allow the loss to make us less, grinding our soul down until there is nothing left but an external self entirely under the control of circumstances. Loss can also make us more. In the darkness we can still find the light. In death we can also find life.
.......
He addresses the experience of sudden loss and grief, the disruption to identity, forgiveness, facing God with his emotions and doubts, how community helps, the randomness of tragedy, the dehumanizing temptation to compare our losses to someone else's.
.......
(On community:) They must be willing to be changed by someone's loss, though they might not have been directly affected by it. Good comfort requires empathy, forces adjustments, and sometimes mandates huge sacrifices. Comforters must be prepared to let the pain of another become their own and so let it transform them. They will never be the same after that decision.
.......
He is never trite, never guarded, never preachy. I underlined many sentences, and sometimes paragraphs, in this short book, because they seemed to perfectly express the experiences of loss and grief, of faith and perseverance and hope.
.......
But life here is not the end. Reality is more than we think it to be. There is another and greater reality that envelops this earthly one. Earth is not outside heaven, as the philosopher Peter Kreeft wrote; it is heaven’s workshop, heaven’s womb.
.......
I cannot imagine a person who would not benefit from reading this book. I've read a number of books on grief and loss; this will most likely be the one that I recommend first to friends.
.......
A friend recommended this book years ago, as the best she's ever read on grief. I started reading it when my father-in-law died a year ago, picked it up again when my mother-in-law died less than five months later, and then again when a friend's son committed suicide in December.
.......
Recovery is a misleading and empty expectation. We recover from broken limbs, not amputations. Catastrophic loss by definition precludes recovery. It will transform us or destroy us, but it will never leave us the same... Sorrow never entirely leaves the soul of those who have suffered severe loss... But this depth of sorrow is the sign of a healthy soul, not a sick soul.
.......
It is not a long book or an intellectually demanding book; it is, however, challenging, thought-provoking, and sometimes emotionally demanding. It took me a long time to read this book.
.......
I did not get over the loss of my loved ones; rather, I absorbed the loss into my life, like soil receives decaying matter, until it became a part of who I am. Sorrow took up permanent residence in my soul and enlarged it.
.......
The author shares his horrifically painful story of losing his daughter, mother and wife, all in one awful car wreck. He did not write this book as a "how to" manual, but more as a very personal story of how he processed and responded to his loss in the months and years that followed.
.......
It is therefore not true that we become less through loss—unless we allow the loss to make us less, grinding our soul down until there is nothing left but an external self entirely under the control of circumstances. Loss can also make us more. In the darkness we can still find the light. In death we can also find life.
.......
He addresses the experience of sudden loss and grief, the disruption to identity, forgiveness, facing God with his emotions and doubts, how community helps, the randomness of tragedy, the dehumanizing temptation to compare our losses to someone else's.
.......
(On community:) They must be willing to be changed by someone's loss, though they might not have been directly affected by it. Good comfort requires empathy, forces adjustments, and sometimes mandates huge sacrifices. Comforters must be prepared to let the pain of another become their own and so let it transform them. They will never be the same after that decision.
.......
He is never trite, never guarded, never preachy. I underlined many sentences, and sometimes paragraphs, in this short book, because they seemed to perfectly express the experiences of loss and grief, of faith and perseverance and hope.
.......
But life here is not the end. Reality is more than we think it to be. There is another and greater reality that envelops this earthly one. Earth is not outside heaven, as the philosopher Peter Kreeft wrote; it is heaven’s workshop, heaven’s womb.
.......
I cannot imagine a person who would not benefit from reading this book. I've read a number of books on grief and loss; this will most likely be the one that I recommend first to friends.
December 21, 2011
Having lost our son Jason this past fall in a tragic and puzzling auto accident, we have been overwhelmed with love and concern for our family. We've had close friends and family support us and want to be closer, we've had neighbors who we don't even know bring over food and condolences, my faith and understanding of God's plan for us here on Earth has been strengthened. I still miss Jason tremendously and I always will, but the book "A Grace Disguised" has been an amazing book which has given me so much insight into how I feel today and how to continue to live on in life in the future. The author tragically lost his mother, wife and one daughter in an auto accident. They were hit by a drunk driver. The father (author) and his other three children survived. This book gives tremendous insight into loss in general and how to cope with it and how to continue the daily challenges of life. I will cherish what I learned and will likely reread this book multiple times in the future. This is an excellent book for anyone to read, for we will all experience loss in some form throughout our mortal life. The author teaches how the sould grows through loss and I feel I will grow from the experience of having lost Jason. I feel this is a must read, a truly insightful book.
November 13, 2021
I appreciate the way that Jerry Sittser struggles with the problem of pain and the question of God's sovereignty in his experience of deep loss in a random, meaningless car accident. Few grief memoirs I've read offer this depth.
I do wish that there was more in this book about the author's processing of his experience and less third person, distancing text that begins to read too much like a Christian living text concerned with a less weighty issue of living. This leads to distancing and a bit of what I call emotional didacticism--telling the reader how she/he should feel. This is not generally a stance to take toward the grieving. We pass through this grieving process in various ways. What the author went through is harrowing, and it would have helped me as a believer who has also gone through loss to see him honestly facing some of the issues he talks about facing.
This is important for anyone facing loss.
I do wish that there was more in this book about the author's processing of his experience and less third person, distancing text that begins to read too much like a Christian living text concerned with a less weighty issue of living. This leads to distancing and a bit of what I call emotional didacticism--telling the reader how she/he should feel. This is not generally a stance to take toward the grieving. We pass through this grieving process in various ways. What the author went through is harrowing, and it would have helped me as a believer who has also gone through loss to see him honestly facing some of the issues he talks about facing.
This is important for anyone facing loss.
March 4, 2013
Few of us are ready when tragedy strikes. It's almost like we think we're immune to it. But God doesn't think the way we do. He redeems everything. We don't know that until we are faced with something that needs redeeming.
As the title of this book suggests, we really don't know what grace is until we need it. And it, along with all of other God's treasures, are disguised from us ... but revealed at the right time.
As the title of this book suggests, we really don't know what grace is until we need it. And it, along with all of other God's treasures, are disguised from us ... but revealed at the right time.
August 4, 2016
This was one of many rereads of A Grace Disguised as I'm preparing for a speaking event. I will always treasure this book. It is one of my favorite resources for healing after loss. It's been eleven years since I first read it, but this book continues to comfort and grow me.
March 6, 2026
This book was incredible, a gem of gems. Anyone who writes about grief often has to make a bunch of caveats at the beginning of their book about how theirs will be different than others, their loss unique, etc., but Sittser did the most incredible job of writing a book that ANYONE could relate to! And not even only those who have lost someone to death: he also ties in divorce, job loss, disability, and so many other circumstances into every point he makes. Just as the breadth of audience he writes to is so diverse, so are the revelations he has to share. He talks so eloquently about not only the problem of pain, but also things like unforgiveness and revenge, God's control over the world, and more. I found myself taking pictures of many pages and sharing them on my social media, with many people asking me what book this is from and where they can get it. I highly recommend to anyone going through any form of suffering or having questions about it!
May 23, 2023
cried & underlined my way through this book. in suffering we experience pain and loss, but not w/o also experiencing grace. grace that in our broken bodies, confused thoughts, troubled emotions, anger, loss and questions we are seen, loved and get to hope in a Redeemer who lives & weeps with us. A Redeemer who has lived, grieved and wept himself. A solidarity undeserved.
March 2, 2025
a Glimpse at True Loss
The honest and raw feelings of losing loved ones is clearly depicted with an emphasis that God’s lover never fails.
The honest and raw feelings of losing loved ones is clearly depicted with an emphasis that God’s lover never fails.
January 11, 2026
I had, and still have, a whole lot to learn from this book. Wondering for the first time:
Would I rather live in a world that is perfectly fair or one that is full of grace?
Thanks Dad for the recommendation!
Would I rather live in a world that is perfectly fair or one that is full of grace?
Thanks Dad for the recommendation!
February 14, 2016
I love that this book was written during the middle of Sittser's journey, not when he was through it. He even admitted in the introduction that the book was meaningful but not cathartic.
What a great book for those who have experienced a tragic loss, or even—like me—those wanting to understand. I've never experienced anything like this, but this book has helped me grow in compassion, and in understanding how to be a good neighbor to one experiencing such great loss.
I heard in it his honest questions, his middle-of-the-journey wanderings. I saw him wrestle with how God could be good amidst such tragic circumstances. This, for me, was the value of this book. Grief is redemptive; it reframes our ideas of why we are on this earth. The true value for me in this book is his questioning the lie we tend to believe: If I _____, God [will/should] _____. Truth is, life just isn't fair, and sometimes on this earth righteous living will be repaid with cancer, and horrendous scandal can result in a pretty nice life.
Favorite portions:
My sister, Diane, told me that the quickest way for anyone to reach the sun and the light of day is not to run west, chasing after the setting sun, but to head east, plunging into the darkness until one comes to the sunrise.
God spare us a life of fairness! To live in a world with grace is better by far than to live in a world of absolute fairness. A fair world may make life nice for us, but only as nice as we are. We may get what we deserve, but I wonder how much that is and whether or not we would really be satisfied. A world with grace will give us more than we deserve. It will give us life, even in our suffering.
It is said of God that no one can behold his face and live. I always thought this meant that no one could see his splendor and live. A friend said perhaps it means that one could see his sorrow and live. Or perhaps his sorrow is his splendor. (Nicholas Wolterstorff)
I could not help asking, "What if God—the God I have trusted for so long—does not exist?" I followed the trail of that question for a while, looking honestly at where it would lead me. Since suffering made belief in God more difficult, at least for a time, I decided to investigate the implications of unbelief. What would atheism do for me in my suffering that belief in God did not do or could not do? The farther I followed the trail of this question, the more troubled I became.
[Ultimately the author has landed where I did after my deepest darkest time: I may know nothing else, but what I do know is this: God is still good.]
What a great book for those who have experienced a tragic loss, or even—like me—those wanting to understand. I've never experienced anything like this, but this book has helped me grow in compassion, and in understanding how to be a good neighbor to one experiencing such great loss.
I heard in it his honest questions, his middle-of-the-journey wanderings. I saw him wrestle with how God could be good amidst such tragic circumstances. This, for me, was the value of this book. Grief is redemptive; it reframes our ideas of why we are on this earth. The true value for me in this book is his questioning the lie we tend to believe: If I _____, God [will/should] _____. Truth is, life just isn't fair, and sometimes on this earth righteous living will be repaid with cancer, and horrendous scandal can result in a pretty nice life.
Favorite portions:
My sister, Diane, told me that the quickest way for anyone to reach the sun and the light of day is not to run west, chasing after the setting sun, but to head east, plunging into the darkness until one comes to the sunrise.
God spare us a life of fairness! To live in a world with grace is better by far than to live in a world of absolute fairness. A fair world may make life nice for us, but only as nice as we are. We may get what we deserve, but I wonder how much that is and whether or not we would really be satisfied. A world with grace will give us more than we deserve. It will give us life, even in our suffering.
It is said of God that no one can behold his face and live. I always thought this meant that no one could see his splendor and live. A friend said perhaps it means that one could see his sorrow and live. Or perhaps his sorrow is his splendor. (Nicholas Wolterstorff)
I could not help asking, "What if God—the God I have trusted for so long—does not exist?" I followed the trail of that question for a while, looking honestly at where it would lead me. Since suffering made belief in God more difficult, at least for a time, I decided to investigate the implications of unbelief. What would atheism do for me in my suffering that belief in God did not do or could not do? The farther I followed the trail of this question, the more troubled I became.
[Ultimately the author has landed where I did after my deepest darkest time: I may know nothing else, but what I do know is this: God is still good.]
May 29, 2020
This was my second time reading this book. The first time changed my life and helped me through a really hard time in my life. This second time was a much different experience. When I read it the first time, I was single. This time, I am married with children, and I now know the author personally. The lessons I take from the book are generally the same this time, but the idea of the suffering described in this book felt much more tangible and daunting after becoming a husband and father. It kept me up nights and definitely resulted in longer hugs with my wife and children. I think this might be one of the most helpful books ever written, though I desperately wish it didn't have to be.
August 11, 2018
I almost never finish nonfiction. After a devastating loss, I found myself drawn to any book that deals with grief and layers it with Jesus. Not a “how to” book by any means; it helps you remember you are not alone in your pain and Jesus is with you.
March 11, 2026
I read this book on the recommendation of a very trusted elder in our church... And elder who is talking about Grace and loss and how do we reconcile a god? a loving God with doing such things
A Grace disguised is truly a memoir. I can't even begin to imagine the loss that Jerry suffered losing both his mom, his wife, and his daughter all in a car accident. truly, life can change and the blink of an eye, but it causes us to ask questions that last forever... I enjoyed reading the expanded and revised edition that came out 30 years later. Sherry's moved on in some other ways and yet loss has shaped his entire life.
as a believer. I appreciate books that wrestle with the Lord. books where at the end, you still believe in the sovereignty of God, in the love of God. I feel encouraged that some of the questions I have...like why did my friend lose her baby? why can dear friends of mine not have children? why did a friend have to lose his wife to cancer when she wasn't even forty?...
are questions others have too. and yet they still have faith. Jerry still has faith.
additionally in this review. Jerry admits( all but 30 years later) that his review came from a place of privilege and when he talks about loss he didn't initially talk about some of the systemic losses that other races and genders face. I appreciated the self-awareness that has since come in the newer version of the book
A Grace disguised is truly a memoir. I can't even begin to imagine the loss that Jerry suffered losing both his mom, his wife, and his daughter all in a car accident. truly, life can change and the blink of an eye, but it causes us to ask questions that last forever... I enjoyed reading the expanded and revised edition that came out 30 years later. Sherry's moved on in some other ways and yet loss has shaped his entire life.
as a believer. I appreciate books that wrestle with the Lord. books where at the end, you still believe in the sovereignty of God, in the love of God. I feel encouraged that some of the questions I have...like why did my friend lose her baby? why can dear friends of mine not have children? why did a friend have to lose his wife to cancer when she wasn't even forty?...
are questions others have too. and yet they still have faith. Jerry still has faith.
additionally in this review. Jerry admits( all but 30 years later) that his review came from a place of privilege and when he talks about loss he didn't initially talk about some of the systemic losses that other races and genders face. I appreciated the self-awareness that has since come in the newer version of the book
June 2, 2025
A beautiful book that deals with grief and loss with such wisdom, humility, and grace. Jerry Sittser speaks of his own loss but doesn't make the book about him. He writes for the benefit of others, only speaking of his own experience in order to point to bigger truths that apply to the reader. This is not a theology book, it doesn't delve into what the Bible teaches about loss in great detail, but it does speak clearly of our God who is both sovereign and loving. What is most impressive is how well Sittser captures the feelings that those who grieve feel. He describes things so well that you realize for the first time that he is perfectly describing an emotion you didn't even fully yet recognise within yourself. Each chapter tends to the heart of a reader who is grieving, or powerfully prepares the reader who is yet to face real grief in their life.
December 29, 2025
A powerful perspective on grief and faith that encouraged me deeply in my own grief
November 22, 2024
Loved reading this - super helpful to process many of my losses recently
April 28, 2025
A beautiful book on grief and loss. The author did a wonderful job of balancing the good and the ugly of grief. Highly recommend.
March 21, 2024
One of the best books on dealing with loss. This is a reread for me and used for my devotions this time around. I’m very sad I finished it as I will miss reading it each day.
November 30, 2021
2-1/2 Stars (rounded up to 3) As a non-Christian but with a background in comparative religions, and as someone who has suffered the deaths of two family members this year, I knew what might be in store for me from this book, but based on reviews and the need for some clarity in facing my grief, I decided to give it a try. First, I have the utmost respect for the author who has shared such painful personal loss with the world, and who not only faced his grief with openness and honesty, but also the challenge of suddenly becoming a single parent and providing his very young children with love and support through their own grieving process. I also was impressed with his courage to grieve such a tremendous loss with honesty and self-examination. His descriptions of the "darkness" that must be faced and journeyed through after such loss was authentic and an experience which resonated with me personally. If the author had stopped there or addressed the concept of 'grace' in a language more inclusive of all people, regardless of religious affiliation & including the non-religious, I would have rated this book much higher.
As it is, after chapter six or so (I read part of chapter 7), I had to bail out of the book because of the pedantic, fundamentalist Christian teaching. And while I expected some of that perspective, what I found offensive was his judgement that anyone who doesn't make it through their grief-journey achieving the "grace" that 'only Christ can give' is either wallowing in self-pity or hardened by cynicism and bitterness. This is horribly insensitive and I'm surprised given the genuine suffering his family experienced that he could judge so harshly other people who are also facing such unbearable loss. The reality is as ANYONE who has ever loved anyone who committed suicide or died because of self-destructive behavior can attest, sometimes people don't make it out of the Darkness. Sometimes, as author Patricia McKernon Runkle says of her brother's suicide in the book "Grief's Compass: Walking the Wilderness with Emily Dickinson", sometimes people are "swallowed up by their pain". Sittser's judgement that floundering in grief is either self-pity or cynicism goes against one of Jesus' main commandments: "judge not lest ye be judged". So when Sittser descended into a rigid fundamentalist framework (which imo is antithetical to Christ's actual teaching), I put the book aside.
Instead I recommend the book mentioned above by Runkle and also, Dr. Joanne Cacciatore's remarkable book: 'Bearing the Unbearable: Love, Loss and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief' for insightful and compassionate treatments of the grieving process.
As it is, after chapter six or so (I read part of chapter 7), I had to bail out of the book because of the pedantic, fundamentalist Christian teaching. And while I expected some of that perspective, what I found offensive was his judgement that anyone who doesn't make it through their grief-journey achieving the "grace" that 'only Christ can give' is either wallowing in self-pity or hardened by cynicism and bitterness. This is horribly insensitive and I'm surprised given the genuine suffering his family experienced that he could judge so harshly other people who are also facing such unbearable loss. The reality is as ANYONE who has ever loved anyone who committed suicide or died because of self-destructive behavior can attest, sometimes people don't make it out of the Darkness. Sometimes, as author Patricia McKernon Runkle says of her brother's suicide in the book "Grief's Compass: Walking the Wilderness with Emily Dickinson", sometimes people are "swallowed up by their pain". Sittser's judgement that floundering in grief is either self-pity or cynicism goes against one of Jesus' main commandments: "judge not lest ye be judged". So when Sittser descended into a rigid fundamentalist framework (which imo is antithetical to Christ's actual teaching), I put the book aside.
Instead I recommend the book mentioned above by Runkle and also, Dr. Joanne Cacciatore's remarkable book: 'Bearing the Unbearable: Love, Loss and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief' for insightful and compassionate treatments of the grieving process.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 499 reviews