Baal Teshuva Survival Guide

by Lisa Aiken, Diane Ladderman (Editor)

"The baal teshuva process involves tremendous growth and change, as well as constant obstacles. Baalei teshuva often wish there was a guidebook that would support them along their way as they grow and make decisions that may alienate them from their families, friends, and the way of life that they once had. "The Baal Teshuva Survival Guide by Dr. Lisa Aiken is this guidebook. Aiken is a world-renowned author and psychologist, and a baalat teshuva herself. She addresses all of the thorny issues that baalei teshuva face, giving psychological insights, compassions and sound, practical advice. Every baal teshuva will see themselves in some of the anecdotes that she presents. She helps baalei teshuva understand how their changes, and the ways that they present them to others, impact others and gives examples of how baalei teshuva can prevent many interpersonal frictions by taking others' emotions into account. Aiken takes baalei teshuva through the myriad challenges they face, such as choosing a career (or not); accepting the loss of a career that conflicts with Judaism; deciding if, or for how long to study in a yeshiva; dealing with parents who can't accept that their child has become observant; choosing an appropriate expression of religious observance, along with a rabbi, synagogue, and community; and relating to a spouse and/or children who are not observant. "This important book will ease the path for Jews who are becoming observant, revolutionize how baalei teshuva integrate their hearts and souls into becoming observant, and improve how those who bring them close to Judaism guide them in their journeys." -Quoted From Jewish Life Magazine

Genres: Judaism

432 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2009

Reviews

[Ari · Rating 1 out of 5]

Being what some may consider a borderline BT myself, I saw this book and thought, 'great! this'll help me navigate some potentially rough situations and will give me some information about the psychology of choosing cultural influences that put me more in line with my religious leanings.' Boy, was I wrong. I am, in fact, the audience that the author is writing for. And this book is pretty horrible. Here's my take on why:
Aiken throughout the book treats BTs like we have 1) no manners. I'm not just talking about not knowing cultural differences between ourselves and traditionally observant families, that's obvious. What I mean is that she literally thinks we have NO manners. There is a section about how to be a Shabbat guest which may have been perceived as useful if she'd just stuck to the sections about eruvin (useful!) and not bringing home-cooked treats (useful and many BT might not have considered this)...but then she goes on to say ridiculous things. We don't need to be reminded to use napkins and to not reach into common bowls with utensils we've eaten from. This was also a poor suggestion: Upon eating dinner with potential mother-in-law, "it never hurts for a man to say to his future mother-in-law, 'Now I see where your daughter gets her good looks from!" Just no. Don't feed into sexist stereotypes, and don't suggest bad manners.
2) BTs are given mis-information. Even in more yeshivish/Ashkenazi pronounciation, this is not spelled correctly: "Mitzvahs (plural of mitzvah)" (p 42). No. It's 'mitzvot(h)' or if Ashkenazi pronunciation 'mitzvos.' It's never 'mitzvahs.' Way to teach terminology that makes us look less educated, when it's already something that we struggle with.
3) History is ignored. I'm not talking about her comments toward the end of the book about historical critical method of Chumash reading, that's actually understandable and in line with much BT/more traditional belief. I'm talking about this from chapter 9, "There are many flavors of observant Judaism but even more varieties of synagogues. This is partly because the Jewish nation began as 12 tribes, each of which had a slightly different version of praying. These ancient paths, called nusachot are the roots of the modern variations in prayer services and prayer texts." Way to ignore things like the history of printing, the Ari, medieval adaptations, Carlebach shuls, the whole history of liturgy...
4) Specific biases are treated as fact. The author frequently goes with her community's understanding of something and presents it as fact without giving the reader the reference for the decision. While some are 'acceptable' because they're common among most communities the BT will be a part of, they're still not the ONLY way of doing things in more traditionally observant communities. Also from chapter 9, "Synagogues are required to have a mechitzah that is at least 40 inches high."
5) The only references to modesty are for women. While it is true that traditionally much falls to women around this, it shouldn't necessarily be the case, nor is this going to appeal to strong women or to men who view women as equals and not as objects. The 'blame' throughout is placed on women in this book. Case in point, p 330, "Men are helped to see the image of God in a woman and not view her as an object if she is not overly exposed." I choose to follow (the the most part, and it is growing) most modesty laws that apply to women for my own reasoning. However, one of those reasons is not because I think man are boors and can't handle themselves in my presence. The way of writing only to women in this section treats male BT as if they are 'less-than,' and joining a community where men value women only as sexual objects naturally unless they are 'helped' by the woman's clothing choices. There are many ways to address modesty that honor both men and women, but this author doesn't employ them.

All this said, there are a few sections that I actually found helpful. Addressing how to deal with non-observant family situations, and the sections on blending families were useful. The list of seminaries and yeshivahs in the appendix are useful, although very biased to include only zionist and charedi options (a 'few' Chassidic options are listed but not many). More Chassidic and even Modern Orthodox options may serve the BT population better, depending on which version of traditional observance they are being drawn to. The terms definition section in the back, also useful. Overall, however, this book is a complete miss. Read Blu Greenberg, or just go to a Chabad function. You'll learn more in one afternoon than from this whole book.

[Matt Erlandsen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Basic and boring, but a good guide if you have no one to ask about.