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Kinky Friedman's Guide to Texas Etiquette, or, How to Get to Heaven or Hell without Going through Dallas-Fort Worth

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"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit " Delivering belly laughs, hee-haws, and downright slackjaw amazement, this hilarious guide to the homeland of George W. and Willie Nelson is the essential how-to for surviving in the Lone Star State. From strange Texas laws and the history of Dr. Pepper to "Texas Talk" (in which a "turd floater" is a heavy downpour) and final-meal requests by death row inmates, Kinky Friedman, "the oldest living Jew in Texas who doesn't own any real estate," provides an insider's guide that will be loved by native Texans and the rest of us poor devils alike.

Even if you don't know the difference between an Aggie and an armadillo -- or what's really in the back on Willie Nelson's tour bus -- you can pass for a Texan with the Kinkster's expert coaching. So grab your hairspray and the keys to the Cadillac and get reading

208 pages, ebook

First published January 1, 2001

45 people are currently reading
175 people want to read

About the author

Kinky Friedman

70 books288 followers
Richard S. "Kinky" Friedman is an American singer, songwriter, novelist, humorist, politician and former columnist for Texas Monthly who styles himself in the mold of popular American satirists Will Rogers and Mark Twain. He was one of two independent candidates in the 2006 election for the office of Governor of Texas. Receiving 12.6% of the vote, Friedman placed fourth in the six-person race.

Friedman was born in Chicago to Jewish parents, Dr. S. Thomas Friedman and his wife Minnie (Samet) Friedman. The family moved to a ranch in central Texas a few years later. Friedman had an early interest in both music and chess, and was chosen at age 7 as one of 50 local players to challenge U.S. grandmaster Samuel Reshevsky to simultaneous matches in Houston. Reshevsky won all 50 matches, but Friedman was by far the youngest competitor.

Friedman graduated from Austin High School in Austin, Texas in 1962 and earned a Bachelor of Arts from the University of Texas at Austin in 1966, majoring in Psychology. He took part in the Plan II Honors program and was a member of the Tau Delta Phi fraternity. During his freshman year, Chinga Chavin gave Friedman the nickname "Kinky" because of his curly hair.

Friedman served two years in the United States Peace Corps, teaching on Borneo in Malaysia with John Gross. During his service in the Peace Corps, he met future Texas Jewboy road manager Dylan Ferrero, with whom he still works today. Friedman lives at Echo Hill Ranch, his family's summer camp near Kerrville, Texas. He founded Utopia Animal Rescue Ranch, also located near Kerrville, whose mission is to care for stray, abused and aging animals; more than 1,000 dogs have been saved from animal euthanasia.

Series:
* Kinky Friedman Mystery

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5 stars
61 (16%)
4 stars
110 (29%)
3 stars
146 (38%)
2 stars
41 (10%)
1 star
17 (4%)
Displaying 1 - 30 of 43 reviews
Profile Image for Daniel A..
301 reviews
November 16, 2020
Country musician-turned-mystery writer Kinky Friedman has a well-earned (and -deserved) reputation for political incorrectness; I know I'm markedly reluctant to reprint a significant number of his song titles with his band (whose name I'm also reluctant to reprint here) on this website. Kinky Friedman's Guide to Texas Etiquette; or How to Get to Heaven or Hell Without Going Through Dallas-Fort Worth is often as politically incorrect as anything in Friedman's musical oeuvre, but what I wasn't expecting was the intelligence, thoughtfulness, and even sensitivity behind the many moving parts of this book.

What comes through loud and clear in Kinky Friedman's Guide to Texas Etiquette is how masterful Friedman's writing in the short form is. In terms of cheekiness, Friedman is politically incorrect, but in the way that that term used to mean (at least theoretically), before it became a naked excuse to spout racism and misogyny and other forms of bigotry; it's arguably even respectful. Where Friedman documents misogyny, racism, and other forms of bigoted abuse, it's never with any amount of approval, and even clearly demonstrates his own disapproval of hateful speech, attitudes, and beliefs; more than once Friedman cites what he feels is the true nature of outlaw country musicians such as Willie Nelson and Tompall Glaser, i.e. a real concern for and affinity with the underdog and other marginalized folks, and Friedman not-so-subtly implies that he himself generally identified with outlaw country artists because of that concern and affinity. But it's not merely Friedman's disapproval of racism, misogyny, etc. that he displays; in several essays, particularly as Kinky Friedman's Guide to Texas Etiquette wears on, Friedman's rhetorical skills build toward an almost inevitable "punchline", one that ends up summarizing the essay as a whole and hitting the reader hard with a shining truth that resonates powerfully.

Kinky Friedman's Guide to Texas Etiquette isn't solely a collection of essays reprinted from Friedman's journalistic endeavors in Texas Monthly and similar publications, however; the book is also full of trivia and anecdotes about any number of cultural, historical, and political touchstones in Texan (and Texian) life, both present and past (at least as of the early George W. Bush era, when Friedman released his Guide). These tidbits are mostly told with the light touch that has become familiar to readers of Friedman's mystery novels (and, frankly, music); consisting of anything from jokes (the hysterical tall tale presented on page 113 is alone worth the price of purchase), to the history of Dr Pepper, to a sort of nascent listicles on miscellaneous subjects of Texiana (including last meals of convicted death-row felons, several lists of native celebrity Texans, and quotations from . . . odd Texas politicians), Friedman's trivia is simultaneously charming and enlightening, and as a whole amply demonstrate what makes Texas such a . . . unique place to call home.

Friedman periodically (albeit obliquely) concedes he's usually in the distinct minority in Texas in general and his home in Kerr County (in Texas Hill Country) in particular in his sociopolitical outlook, philosophy, and general lifestyle, but at the same time he makes very, very clear that he's no less a Texan than any "good ol' boy", "redneck", or "oilman" (as one of his proto-listicles divides Texans into), near or far. (After all, El Paso is closer to Los Angeles than it is to Beaumont, on the other side of its own state, a fact I discovered somewhere on the Internet but, alas, can't locate at the moment.) But no matter his political disagreements, Friedman remains profoundly respectful of most human beings (at least those whom he feels deserve his respect) throughout Kinky Friedman's Guide to Texas Etiquette, and the book remains thoroughly charming, as well as entertaining.
Profile Image for Julia Lednicky.
Author 3 books2 followers
June 12, 2021
Entertaining

Being a Texas expat, I laughed out loud a couple times. Not quite an etiquette guide, more or less a patchwork of anecdotes and Texas lore, yet entertaining all the same.
Profile Image for Clark.
461 reviews6 followers
September 2, 2022
I am living in Texas so I get these jokes. I guess not all of these sayings are jokes but we Texans are just poking fun at ourselves. I found this book in my public library and sat down right then and there and ended up reading it clear through. I didn't even have to check it out. It's a quick enjoyable read.
Profile Image for Therese.
2,280 reviews
October 25, 2013
$1.99

I became a Kinky Friedman fan thanks to my best friend's husband. He has written a number of mystery novels, but anybody who has ever heard of Kinky knows he is much more than that.

This book tells all sorts of anecdotes about Texas, or what you think you know about Texas that mean absolutely nothing in the long scheme of things. It is good for a laugh but only a few have a great sense of humor and are not offended if someone (said author) not politically correct!
Profile Image for Jenna.
2,010 reviews20 followers
April 25, 2020
CHALLENGE: BONUS-SIGNED BOOK

some humor. interesting stories about Texas. some history.
didn't realize how many famous people come from Texas.
it also included some illustrations by the famous cowboy cartoonist Ace Reid which was a nice bonus.
and actually, similar to Chandler & Spillane, the man can turn a phrase.
2 of my faves: (to describe someone who died)

"...he stepped on a rainbow.."
"...this shortly before he made it to hillbilly heaven on roller skates..."

I'm a big fan of the Kinkster mystery series. and i like the writer Kinky Friedman.
How can you not like a man who is billed as "A country-western singing Texas Jewboy who writes mysteries & runs for public office".
I got this several years ago at one of his book signings but never read it. It sat on my shelf as it got buried under the pile i've always been meaning to organize. (now i have time...)
I chose this one b/c he was exactly as I thought he would be in person. Very similar to his characters. And since he is very TX proud, I bought a book that i thought best represented TX for his signature. (and it's on my list to travel to one day)


Profile Image for Andy.
109 reviews
January 11, 2021
Some reading during the break. So this was the first Kinky Friedman book I have read. Overall, not too shabby. Yes at times when he is trying to be too clever his writing appears 'forced.' Yes sometimes his historical facts and dates are off. But... this book was designed to entertain, and this it does. It consists mainly of short pieces. Some are merely lists of people who were born in Texas, or the meal a cowboy might get out of a chuckwagon. But some pieces are longer bits of prose. In some of these pieces he seems to let his guard down. These moments of vulnerability is where his work shines. Dotted throughout the work are comics by Texas cartoonist Ace Reid. They blend well with Kinky's hometown humor. If you are looking to pass some time with a book... check it out.
243 reviews7 followers
August 17, 2019
Somewhere between Dallas and El Paso, this anthology just lost it’s roadmap and became lost in the incessantly unpolitically correct landscape. Extremely similar in scope to “What Would Kinky Do?” this collection of trivial Texas facts and other essays repeats many of the one liners and stories. Perhaps since the tide of socially accepted irreverence has shifted dramatically since this book was penned, it doesn’t pack the same zing as his other writings. One cup of solidariTEA with a side of Texas road kill fritters.
Profile Image for Kay.
34 reviews1 follower
May 24, 2020
I found this book a few days ago in one of those Little Free Libraries that exist in a few front yards in my neighborhood. I thought it'd be something light to take my mind off of our lockdown. Written about 20 years ago, it was a trip down memory lane with the Texas politics, politicians and outlaw musicians of that era. Some of the humor is not politically correct and was rather offensive, but overall it was an interesting read and offered some insight into the mind of this colorful Texas character.
Profile Image for Shannon Lawrence.
Author 53 books29 followers
September 26, 2022
I enjoyed the humorous parts, though some fell flat. After a point, it seemed more like a walk down memory lane than a humorous book, which fell flat after the rest of the book was humor and random Texas facts. Not sure what the book was trying to be, I guess. I wanted it to be funnier. Having said that, it was a quick read.
Profile Image for Rosa.
210 reviews2 followers
January 18, 2025
Very funny, as expected, being a fan of Friedman as I am; a tad repetitive due to the anthologous nature of the book. Some great one-liners and a lot of thoughtful musings on a culture very different to my own. I'd love to go to some of these places, so if nothing else, inspiration for future adventures!
Profile Image for Tori.
46 reviews3 followers
July 29, 2020
Wooooo boy this did not age well.
1,498 reviews2 followers
July 20, 2022
Side-slapping funny. Irreverent. A total hoot. And totally true. Just like us crazy Texans!
Profile Image for Marcie.
259 reviews69 followers
August 23, 2008
Great title. He should run a Store Locator in the back of the book, so I can get me a pair of those brontosaurus foreskin boots. At some point, though, I just began to think, "huh?"..."and that's funny...how?"

Maybe I've become a prude since moving out of Texas five years ago. My childlike illusions have been shattered -- the idea of Sam Houston sitting around smoking opium and doing the secret Mason handshake with Santa Ana really bothers me. And there's an entire chapter on some guy's testicle hanging out of his bathing suit, unbeknownst to him.

The chapter in which Kinky follows around famous Houston criminal defense lawyers also basically stinks on ice, because it feels like Kinky actually admires these dickhead low-lives. I can understand a certain pride in their colorful characters and skills, and while living in Houston, I did understand that this was the WILD, WILD WEST where anything goes and justice is only for those who are bold enough to take it or rich enough to pay for it, but it doesn't make it okay.

The chapter opining about how firmly embedded the roots of rock and roll are in Texas is somewhat interesting and comprehensive. Then he reminds us of how and why Hank Sr. died in the backseat of his car, and how even Judy Garland and her little bluebirds died on a toilet, and on and on...this was just a damn unfunny book to me.

Even toward the end, when Kinky tries to don the mantle of Hunter Thompson and turn the book into a sort of weird "journey viewed through a drug-induced haze," it doesn't work for me.

Gack, I've already spent too much time thinking about this waste of time book...what really hacks me off is that I was hoping he would tell me how to get to heaven or hell without going through Dallas-Fort Worth.
Profile Image for Serena.
222 reviews
July 13, 2010
A quick, entertaining read, especially as I started this in Texas. But I doubt this book holds much appeal beyond role of coffee table book, flipping through for quotable Texas quotes ("Old blues cats never sang the same song the same way twice." -Huey P. Meaux) and facts (did you know that DFW is larger than Manhattan?), of which there are many.

There isn't a running narrative as much as a collection of fun factoids of the state, from an author who humbly prides himself in his ability to equal-opportunity offend, but in a tongue-in-cheek manner. Some personal favorites:

"What do you call a smart person on the A&M campus? Answer: A visitor."

"...my Yom Kippur Clipper. That's a Jewish Cadillac - it stops on a dime and it picks it up."
Profile Image for Dan Jones.
121 reviews1 follower
January 2, 2013
I really wanted to give this book a higher rating. I really enjoyed it, but it was, at times, hard to follow, and lacked cohesion. And the organization of the book left a lot to be desired.

The book is basically a bunch of anecdotes and facts about Texas and country music.

It actually annoyed me that, despite the fact that it was supposed to be about Texas, a few rather large segments were about country music and had nothing at all to do with Texas. He spent a significant amount of space talking about his time in Nashville, for example.

The stories, however, were very entertaining. And as a former adopted Texan, I enjoyed every bit of them.

The book is a very quick read, only 150 pages (I would've finished more quickly, but got distracted by Christmas).
Profile Image for Cheryl Massey.
32 reviews
May 15, 2016
I have lived in Texas for 34 years, but still don't consider myself a Texan. I do consider myself a fan of Kinky Friedman. I enjoy his music and his writings.

Kinky's guide to Texas Etiquette is full of interesting Texas tidbits, heartfelt tributes, and laughs. A great quick read.

Favorite quote: "Looking at the stars in the Texas sky you couldn't tell the difference between now and then. But it's there, all right. It's the difference between a picture you carry in your wallet and a picture you carry in your heart. But hearts can be broken and wallets can be stolen and you know you've grown up when you realize how far you are away from the stars."

Profile Image for Monica.
307 reviews10 followers
November 8, 2016
Oh Kinky, Kinky, hate to give you two stars especially after all the anticipation and excitement felt when I found out that there not one, but two of your non-fiction books out there dealing with all things Austin and Texas and you know how much I love those but you just re-hashed the Armadillo 'book' all over again! Pure filler, certainly not a book with any type of structure or content. I will however happily return to the first offering of the detective novels.
PS. And pssttt between you and I, this 'book' is deserving of the one Lone Texas star but the title alone and the cover art elevated it to two. That and the fact that you helped me passing the 20 mark so darn easily!
Profile Image for Shannon Martinson.
15 reviews
October 20, 2012
This is a short book, full of essays, trivia, Ace Reid cartoons, and other short pieces. I've been reading a bit here and there for a couple of months now. Friedman's sense of humor can be a bit raunchy, not for the easily offended, and his essays tend to wander a bit, which can be annoying. A lot of the legends and stories mentioned I'd heard before, but others were new to me and interesting, and every time I've read from it, I've ended up laughing, so it is funny. Overall, I enjoyed it, but I was already a fan, and I've grown up in Texas, so I have some interest in Texas stories.
Profile Image for Jan C.
1,107 reviews126 followers
January 8, 2012
I got this from a girl from Texas. Don't think she knew she'd be moving back there quite so soon.

Whoops! White Sox fan he may be but a little behind the times. Book came out in 2001 and Nellie Fox went to the Hall of Fame in 1997. Get with the program, Kinky.

Couple of nice essays on Ace Reid (never heard of him), Willie Nelson and some magic pony from 1953 that made a deep impression on young Kinky's life just as he was getting over the deaths of Hank Williams and the Rosenbergs.
Profile Image for Brent.
211 reviews11 followers
August 24, 2013
Fun book. Quick read. Typical Kinky attitude. Clearly he loves his home state. Not a novel. Short chapters of jokes and lists, with some stories of cowboys, growing up, lawyers, and Willie Nelson. He should run for governor if the state doesn't secede. If he doesn't get elected, we should force the state to secede!
Profile Image for Kelsey.
309 reviews7 followers
January 19, 2009
Truly, if you are a Texan born and bred, you might enjoy this book more than any other group. It's chock-full of examples of how and why Texas is different and has a unique social environment which must be navigated particularly to avoid making any social foibles.
Profile Image for Lori.
904 reviews
July 15, 2009
I picked up this one on a whim. While it has some redeeming sections, like the excerpts on the Texas bluebonnet legend and big Texas hair, the rest was just too "kinky" and crude for my personal Texas Etiquette, to even finish reading the book. Is Kinky Friedman seriously running for Governor?!
Profile Image for Handan.
190 reviews20 followers
July 20, 2013
This book had highs and lows and I think it'll stay on my shelf. Finishing it while under the influence of Mucinex and NyQuil may not have been the smoothest move, but reading it kept me calm, quiet, and entertained. So, ta da!
Profile Image for Melanie.
381 reviews7 followers
January 2, 2019
I should have known better, but I figured if it was good enough to be published there would be something interesting about it. A few neat lists, but mostly boring and unfunny with idiotic phrases frequently thrown into the mix.
15 reviews1 follower
March 27, 2007
It's a staple of the bedside table in my guest room - not a novel or of any serious depth, but an enjoyable collection of short essays by my favorite Texas Monthly columnist.
Profile Image for R. Mark.
70 reviews1 follower
March 8, 2008
I admit that I am biased since I am native Texan, but I was seriously rolling on some these. All those who want to converse with us Texans should read this.
Profile Image for Abbey.
30 reviews1 follower
May 22, 2008
I grabbed this book before actually travelling to Dallas-Fort Worth. I couldn't get through it, but I will say it gave me some insight into Texas culture.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 43 reviews

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