What do you think?
Rate this book
Seven Levels of Intimacy
Though our hearts crave intimacy, though our minds understand our deep need for it, the self-revelation it requires is often too daunting a task. In The Seven Levels of Intimacy, Matthew Kelly both acknowledges and calms our fears, while teaching us how to move beyond them to experience the power of true intimacy.
Matthew reveals that each relationship is built upon a pattern of interaction. In the beginning stages, we rely on casual interactions, gaining familiarity by focusing on superficialities and facts. We grow closer and begin to share our opinions, learning to accept each other and embrace the growing relationship. At last, we are deeply intimate and both willing and able to reveal our deepest fears. By moving through and building upon each level of intimacy, we find comfort and gain trust in our partners and ourselves. It is through mastering the seven levels of intimacy that we will break through to fully experiencing love, commitment, trust and happiness.
With profound insight and the use of powerful, everyday examples, Matthew Kelly explains how we can nurture the intimacy in our relationships. The Seven Levels of Intimacy redefines how we view our interactions with others. This new understanding leads us to successfully create the strong connections, deep joy and lasting bonds that we all long for.
Matthew reveals that each relationship is built upon a pattern of interaction. In the beginning stages, we rely on casual interactions, gaining familiarity by focusing on superficialities and facts. We grow closer and begin to share our opinions, learning to accept each other and embrace the growing relationship. At last, we are deeply intimate and both willing and able to reveal our deepest fears. By moving through and building upon each level of intimacy, we find comfort and gain trust in our partners and ourselves. It is through mastering the seven levels of intimacy that we will break through to fully experiencing love, commitment, trust and happiness.
With profound insight and the use of powerful, everyday examples, Matthew Kelly explains how we can nurture the intimacy in our relationships. The Seven Levels of Intimacy redefines how we view our interactions with others. This new understanding leads us to successfully create the strong connections, deep joy and lasting bonds that we all long for.
Audio CD
First published January 1, 2009
513 people are currently reading
3295 people want to read
About the author
Matthew Kelly
185 books1,376 followersMatthew Kelly is a best-selling author, speaker, thought leader, entrepreneur, consultant, spiritual leader, and innovator.
He has dedicated his life to helping people and organizations become the-best-version-of-themselves. Born in Sydney, Australia, he began speaking and writing in his late teens while he was attending business school. Since that time, 5 million people have attended his seminars and presentations in more than 50 countries.
Today, Kelly is an internationally acclaimed speaker, author, and business consultant. His books have been published in more than 30 languages, have appeared on The New York Times, Wall Street Journal, and USA Today bestseller lists, and have sold more than 50 million copies.
In his early-twenties he developed "the-best-version-of-yourself" concept and has been sharing it in every arena of life for more than twenty-five years. It is quoted by presidents and celebrities, athletes and their coaches, business leaders and innovators, though perhaps it is never more powerfully quoted than when a mother or father asks a child, "Will that help you become the-best-version-of-yourself?"
Kelly's personal interests include golf, music, art, literature, investing, spirituality, and spending time with his wife, Meggie, and their children Walter, Isabel, Harry, Ralph, and Simon.
He has dedicated his life to helping people and organizations become the-best-version-of-themselves. Born in Sydney, Australia, he began speaking and writing in his late teens while he was attending business school. Since that time, 5 million people have attended his seminars and presentations in more than 50 countries.
Today, Kelly is an internationally acclaimed speaker, author, and business consultant. His books have been published in more than 30 languages, have appeared on The New York Times, Wall Street Journal, and USA Today bestseller lists, and have sold more than 50 million copies.
In his early-twenties he developed "the-best-version-of-yourself" concept and has been sharing it in every arena of life for more than twenty-five years. It is quoted by presidents and celebrities, athletes and their coaches, business leaders and innovators, though perhaps it is never more powerfully quoted than when a mother or father asks a child, "Will that help you become the-best-version-of-yourself?"
Kelly's personal interests include golf, music, art, literature, investing, spirituality, and spending time with his wife, Meggie, and their children Walter, Isabel, Harry, Ralph, and Simon.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 168 reviews
July 20, 2018
This book is killing me. I have to force myself to read it. I've actually started reading it twice because it just bores me to death. I feel like the idea's are probably good, but each paragraph is so redundant that it could be whittled down to half the length just by taking out all the repetition. I just want to scream, "I get it! We're supposed to be the-best-version-of-ourselves! Now what?!" If I have to see that hyphenated phrase one more time I may throw the book across the room and never finish it. The thing is I really hate not finishing a book, but I only picked this one up because a wise friend said it was a life changer. I'm thinking it's just a bad delivery and not worth my time. I prefer therapy.
January 25, 2008
This book is outstanding, and it deserves to be read again and again. In a society where everything is supposedly getting bigger, faster, and better, we haven't had nearly as much success with our relationships. Matthew Kelly's Seven Levels of Intimacy addresses this topic head on and offers profound insights that can put us back on track.
The book is divided into three sections. The first part contains holistic analysis and far and away the best content. The second part imparts "The Seven Levels," and though it is a catchy title, I think a more accurate description would be seven "forms" of intimacy. The third section of the book offers practical exercises to building better relationships.
The overall message of the book is that in order for us to experience the kind of intimacy that we desire, we have to understand the true purpose of relationships. We are sure to be disappointed if we are just looking to "get something out of it," "to feel good," or "just be happy." This perspective is too self-centered. Instead, if we aspire to truly love someone, we will do everything in our capacity to help them reach their fullest potential as a human being. The most successful and fulfilling relationships are those in which there is a reciprocal commitment to bring out the best in each other.
Ironically, when we are faced with this conception of love, I think that many of us would admit that we are actually looking for something else, something easier, something more immediate. However, I think that Kelly is right in claiming that human beings were created to love and be loved, and that we will always feel vaguely disappointed and empty when we are not fulfilling this purpose. He does not mean that everyone should get married and have kids, but rather that there is a way of interacting with others that brings out the best in them, and the best in us. This is the way of love.
If you are worried that this book is riddled with unattainable ideals, the author dispels this notion: "The first truth of relationships is that all relationships have problems. They all have unresolvable problems." We can't get rid of certain problems, but we can learn to acknowledge them, adapt to them, and even laugh about them.
I would recommend this book to everyone, single and committed, young and old. All of us have lots of room to improve, and this change can be a profoundly enriching and exciting process.
The book is divided into three sections. The first part contains holistic analysis and far and away the best content. The second part imparts "The Seven Levels," and though it is a catchy title, I think a more accurate description would be seven "forms" of intimacy. The third section of the book offers practical exercises to building better relationships.
The overall message of the book is that in order for us to experience the kind of intimacy that we desire, we have to understand the true purpose of relationships. We are sure to be disappointed if we are just looking to "get something out of it," "to feel good," or "just be happy." This perspective is too self-centered. Instead, if we aspire to truly love someone, we will do everything in our capacity to help them reach their fullest potential as a human being. The most successful and fulfilling relationships are those in which there is a reciprocal commitment to bring out the best in each other.
Ironically, when we are faced with this conception of love, I think that many of us would admit that we are actually looking for something else, something easier, something more immediate. However, I think that Kelly is right in claiming that human beings were created to love and be loved, and that we will always feel vaguely disappointed and empty when we are not fulfilling this purpose. He does not mean that everyone should get married and have kids, but rather that there is a way of interacting with others that brings out the best in them, and the best in us. This is the way of love.
If you are worried that this book is riddled with unattainable ideals, the author dispels this notion: "The first truth of relationships is that all relationships have problems. They all have unresolvable problems." We can't get rid of certain problems, but we can learn to acknowledge them, adapt to them, and even laugh about them.
I would recommend this book to everyone, single and committed, young and old. All of us have lots of room to improve, and this change can be a profoundly enriching and exciting process.
February 4, 2013
Full of good things and crazy things. Fascinating and infuriating. Poorly written but not entirely useless. If you talk to me about it I will refer to it as "the seven-layer cake of intimacy." Claims that the purpose [not a purpose, but *the* purpose] of life is to become the best version of you you can be, which is obviously right, but stated over and over again in a way that doesn't carry as much water as Kelly wants. Yes, if you can always figure out what choice will help you become the best version of you, you're all set. I often can't. According to Kelly, relationships need to serve this purpose. I think it's great when they do, but there are other reasons you have relationships, unless you define "be the best version of you" sufficiently broadly, in which case enjoy your delicious bowl of tautological soup. Also, I think Kelly is overly enamored with ideas about leading a disciplined life, and doesn't give enough love to play and exploration.
Still, I read it all the way through.
Still, I read it all the way through.
June 25, 2010
At first I thought his book was a redundant nightmare simply because the author uses too much repition with his statements. But I gave the book a shot and realized there was much insight to be learned from the chapters further in. The book even inspired me to create my own handmade "Dream Book" which I think will have a greater impact on the focus of my life.
January 19, 2009
This is an excellent book. I finished it about a week ago. It deals with connecting on 7 different levels in a relationship. I felt a calm come over me as I read this book and I felt very peaceful.
January 29, 2015
This book really got under my skin in a good way. I hope I remember all the parts that resonated with me so I can put them into practice more often (ideally on a daily basis). The ending was really great, too. This is a fantastic book and I'm glad I picked it up at random at the library, because otherwise I would have probably brushed it off as another cheesy self-help book on love. He does a really good job of making you think. Making you feel a little uncomfortable as you compare various scenarios to your real-life relationships. I greatly appreciated the acknowledgement of single people and a couple lines that reinforced that there is nothing wrong with being single. I'm now more likely to let others know me after reading this book. Might even head to the bookstore and buy a copy I can keep.
January 2, 2016
This book was suggested as part of a Men's group in which I participate. While much of our culture equates Intimacy with physical sex, Kelly's book quickly by-passes this single aspect of Intimacy and explores the deeper needs and manifestations of Intimacy in relationships - whether with our spouse, close friends, family members and God. While not written as a resource specifically for those in addiction recovery, Kelly's insights are closely tied to the truths found in 12-Step programs. With many examples and insights, Kelly convincingly charts a path for those who want to begin or deepen the experience of true Intimacy in their lives - truly experiencing the best version of oneself - thus giving meaning, satisfaction and joy to all aspects of life. Easy to read, I would certainly recommend this text to anyone wanting more out of life and your relationships with others.
April 29, 2010
Great idea...but not such a great read. Truly it should be called "Becoming the best version of yourself" since this was the true theme. The seven levels were vague and forgettable but this statement was used over and over and over. And over. It probably should have more than 2 stars, as I did get some good insights on how to strengthen relationships in general. But that is kinda what is was...very general. It seemed like the author was trying to compile a book of profound one-liners. There was a lot of repetition and even more generalization. Ah well.
April 15, 2015
A life changing book. I have read it and now listened to it. It has completely transformed how I look at relationships for the better. I can't say enough good things about this book. If you don't like reading self-help books, this is the one you actually need to give a chance. I hope for everyone to read this. Powerful. Worth it.
April 5, 2010
This was recommended by a friend - good follow-up to 5 Love Languages. It had some good points, but like most of these kinds of books, it was very repetitive and wordy. I read it on the beach and got to ask Charlie a bunch of questions, so all in all, a good time!
July 30, 2014
Great advice for everyone, not just couples. I read it when I was single
March 18, 2019
This book was recommended by a friend, and I found that its generic banality did not appeal to me.
April 10, 2018
I personally found this to be a great read and full of thought provoking concepts. I can see why a lot of people here think that the concepts were some what repetitive but it makes sense from Kelly's p.o.v to emphasize on the things that are really getting dispersed in our society and generation.
Just as this book emphasizes a lot upon delayed gratification and patience to have meaningful relationships, I believe if you want to get any meaning out of this book, you'll need to employ the same concepts as a reader.
More specifically, things that I enjoyed reading and learning about were;
The 7 Levels of Intimacy - Book Summary/Key Learnings
Relationships keep us honest. They provide the mirrors necessary to see and know our own selves.
So many times we don't realize that we are treating others exactly the same way as we don't want to be treated by them.
Most of us want to have real human connections with people - we want to rid ourselves of superficial and symbiotic relationships but at the same time, we are not willing to be vulnerable around others, we want to keep our guard up, we don't want to take out the time for them.
1. It’s not just the physical
The Loneliness paradox
We yearn for intimacy and the desire to be known - but we avoid it.
We avoid being our true selves around people because we fear that people might judge us and reject us. By avoiding our true self we will always have an element of loneliness in us. Loneliness comes in many forms - you can be lonely in a crowded room or even in a relationship.
The 4 dimensional Intimacy
Physical - as simple as a hand shake
Emotional - Reveal something about yourself in a positive and healthy way with every encounter you have - as simple as a Thank you or a Good Morning. Observation of the self and observation of others - body language
Intellectual - A product of your experiences and your own personal philosophy of life. Not necessary to have identical viewpoints - what's more important is to keep an open mind and non-judgmental attitude.
Spiritual - Mutual Respect. Trust. Be forgiving. Be patient. Be considerate.
Learn to be comfortable with yourself before finding comfort in someone else - enjoy your company!
2. Common Interests are not enough
What keeps us together? In a dynamic and thriving relationship? Need for a common purpose
Need to have a solid foundation for a long-term relationship
Ask yourself what is the meaning of life? Find out your essential purpose and then check whether that purpose is being fulfilled?
Ask what the purpose of the relationship is; can you bring the best out of the other person? Can they bring the best out of you?
One in Two marriages in the US end up in divorce - crisis in commitment
Relationships are a powerful forum for personal growth
Successful only if we change 'yours and mine' to 'ours'
DO NOT lose your true self in this process
3. You Know the Storm is coming
The roots should be so strong that they can wither any storm away.
Truly appreciate the other person
Complaint test: Try out an exercise of jotting down every time you complaint on a piece of paper. Study the list of your complaints and what you're complaining about most of the time. Are these in line with the priorities/goals you have set up for yourself? Is there anything you can do about them/ are they in your control?
Our complaints are poisoning our relationships
We all need appreciation in becoming our best selves
Respect builds trust - learn to enjoy people - take the time out to get to know them - speak less and listen more. Understand rather than try to be understood.
Do not be ignorant of the true value of something.
Learn to discipline yourself - get rid of instant gratification - Do not be enslaved by whims, cravings, addictions and attachments
Give but not blindly and recklessly - learn to not be abused by selfish people
Embrace the mystery - life/people/relationships are not a problem to be understood, fixed and solved - they are a mystery to be lived
4. What is driving your relationships?
One person doesn't win and the other loses - it's the relationship that either wins or loses.
Ask: what is not working in your life?
Ask 3 questions about your significant other: Do you trust your partner? Do you believe this person has your best interests at heart? Is this person helping you become the best version of yourself? WHY for each.
List the priorities in your life - then match the time you spend on each priority
Secondary Relationships: Sometimes less is truly more - focus and prioritize a handful of relationships
Who energizes you and WHY?
5. The opposite of love is not hate
It’s indifference! Indifference destroys all the energy and enthusiasm for the great pursuits of life.
Learn to live soulfully and you will be liberated from indifference. You don’t need fun, excitement, pleasure and material goods for soulful living – we can learn to live soulfully by keeping our essential purpose in mind.
Work hard, pay attention to detail Become a better YOU
Be greedy, lazy Become a worse YOU
Even a cleaner doing 1 is better than a CEO in state 2
Soulful living;
Physical Eat well, exercise
Emotional Emotional variety
Intellectual Reading
Spiritual Soul search
So cooking a meal for family not just cooking another meal – it should be to your best abilities
Don’t just wash your car Wash it to the best of your abilities!
Love is not a feeling, it’s a choice. It’s not about whether you’ve stopped having feelings for anyone – feelings are inconsistent, unreliable, undisciplined
We become what we love the most
The 7 Levels of Intimacy:
1) Clichés
Is your primary relationship overly clichéd? Is it becoming transactional? Too familiar?
People who are indifferent, selfish or afraid become experts at employing clichés to destroy any chance of a meaningful communication
We are afraid of being judged, criticized and rejected – clichés are safe
At the same time one shouldn’t be incapable of small talk
Carefree timelessness – the most important things in life are not urgent – you skip a workout for your job, you skip a healthy meal for fast food, you skip reading a good book because you are too busy – you have to take time out for the good things in life
As a culture we are obsessed with time- learn to take out the time for those you really love – care freely
2) Facts
Conversations can be directed wherever we want them to be directed -
Gossip Doesn’t help us in becoming our best-self
Intellectual discussion Does
Speech is one of the most powerful things – can raise people up or pull them down
Catch someone doing the right thing
Don’t make rash judgments
Appreciate the tiny things people do for you – we all feel ‘underpaid and under-appreciated’
3) Opinions
Clash of opinions in inevitable – you can either resolve/accept these or create recurrent arguments/go back to just facts and clichés.
Knowing your personal goal allows you to understand opinions in a better way
Always be open to new ideas – find genuine agreements
You don’t need to understand in order to accept them – accept them and perhaps you will start to understand too.
Not all problems can be resolved and fixed.
Accept yourself and then accept others too. You cannot understand everything – stop fighting and stop resisting
It’s about the teamwork – the collective Ego > the Individual Ego
4) Hopes and Dreams
Do some dreaming. Then use these to set goals, Plan and then work!
Rely on delayed gratification
No great person became great without delayed gratification
Dreams tell you not only about what a person is today but also what he plans on becoming tomorrow
5) Feelings
Are you willing to make yourself vulnerable?
Intimacy is indeed a risk and shouldn’t be taken lightly but we must take it!
We idolize security and security – but that is only an illusion
Express yourself!
Remember – timing and environment are key for any meaningful conversation
Baby steps are key – make others feel non-judged and confident to not be criticized
Be a good listener – pay attention and be interested on the inside – and interest will automatically be reflected on the outside
We don’t need a problem solver – we just need a listener
Understand why someone is saying what they are saying – rather than the content
Value the art of listening – you can really learn a lot!
Patience is a virtue acquired – we are all born as wrestles infants
Question to confirm and clarify – to show you are LISTENING
6) Faults, Fears and Failures
Everyone has faults and failures as part of their history
Be able to own them up and admit that you need help
Not to be fixed but to have someone to walk bravely with these fears and failures
Admit and accept the past
Get rid of the shackles of victimhood and become a dynamic choice maker
We discover that we have a dark side that is inconsistent with our values and we try and work on that.
We live in self-deception – ask a crowd if they think they are above average drivers and about 80% will say yes – whereas obviously only 50% can statistically be above average.
Forgiveness is the greatest challenge for all relationships
Humor is what fuels us but we have to make sure that it doesn’t go down the slippery slope of sarcasm
7) Legitimate Needs
Are your basic legitimate needs being met?
Emotional: to be loved – Spiritual: silence and solitude for self-reflection (each of the 4 areas)
Focus on these rather than get distracted/seduced by illegitimate wants
Modern Pop-philosophy – ‘Go out and get what you want!’ – selfish fulfilment of one person’s desires at the expense of the other person’s real and legitimate needs.
Are you willing to let go of your cravings, whims and fancies to get something more mundane and simple?
‘The springs of intimacy are not for emotional tourists; they are for those committed to knowing and being known.’
The seventh level teaches us not how to ACT but how to REACT
Just as this book emphasizes a lot upon delayed gratification and patience to have meaningful relationships, I believe if you want to get any meaning out of this book, you'll need to employ the same concepts as a reader.
More specifically, things that I enjoyed reading and learning about were;
The 7 Levels of Intimacy - Book Summary/Key Learnings
Relationships keep us honest. They provide the mirrors necessary to see and know our own selves.
So many times we don't realize that we are treating others exactly the same way as we don't want to be treated by them.
Most of us want to have real human connections with people - we want to rid ourselves of superficial and symbiotic relationships but at the same time, we are not willing to be vulnerable around others, we want to keep our guard up, we don't want to take out the time for them.
1. It’s not just the physical
The Loneliness paradox
We yearn for intimacy and the desire to be known - but we avoid it.
We avoid being our true selves around people because we fear that people might judge us and reject us. By avoiding our true self we will always have an element of loneliness in us. Loneliness comes in many forms - you can be lonely in a crowded room or even in a relationship.
The 4 dimensional Intimacy
Physical - as simple as a hand shake
Emotional - Reveal something about yourself in a positive and healthy way with every encounter you have - as simple as a Thank you or a Good Morning. Observation of the self and observation of others - body language
Intellectual - A product of your experiences and your own personal philosophy of life. Not necessary to have identical viewpoints - what's more important is to keep an open mind and non-judgmental attitude.
Spiritual - Mutual Respect. Trust. Be forgiving. Be patient. Be considerate.
Learn to be comfortable with yourself before finding comfort in someone else - enjoy your company!
2. Common Interests are not enough
What keeps us together? In a dynamic and thriving relationship? Need for a common purpose
Need to have a solid foundation for a long-term relationship
Ask yourself what is the meaning of life? Find out your essential purpose and then check whether that purpose is being fulfilled?
Ask what the purpose of the relationship is; can you bring the best out of the other person? Can they bring the best out of you?
One in Two marriages in the US end up in divorce - crisis in commitment
Relationships are a powerful forum for personal growth
Successful only if we change 'yours and mine' to 'ours'
DO NOT lose your true self in this process
3. You Know the Storm is coming
The roots should be so strong that they can wither any storm away.
Truly appreciate the other person
Complaint test: Try out an exercise of jotting down every time you complaint on a piece of paper. Study the list of your complaints and what you're complaining about most of the time. Are these in line with the priorities/goals you have set up for yourself? Is there anything you can do about them/ are they in your control?
Our complaints are poisoning our relationships
We all need appreciation in becoming our best selves
Respect builds trust - learn to enjoy people - take the time out to get to know them - speak less and listen more. Understand rather than try to be understood.
Do not be ignorant of the true value of something.
Learn to discipline yourself - get rid of instant gratification - Do not be enslaved by whims, cravings, addictions and attachments
Give but not blindly and recklessly - learn to not be abused by selfish people
Embrace the mystery - life/people/relationships are not a problem to be understood, fixed and solved - they are a mystery to be lived
4. What is driving your relationships?
One person doesn't win and the other loses - it's the relationship that either wins or loses.
Ask: what is not working in your life?
Ask 3 questions about your significant other: Do you trust your partner? Do you believe this person has your best interests at heart? Is this person helping you become the best version of yourself? WHY for each.
List the priorities in your life - then match the time you spend on each priority
Secondary Relationships: Sometimes less is truly more - focus and prioritize a handful of relationships
Who energizes you and WHY?
5. The opposite of love is not hate
It’s indifference! Indifference destroys all the energy and enthusiasm for the great pursuits of life.
Learn to live soulfully and you will be liberated from indifference. You don’t need fun, excitement, pleasure and material goods for soulful living – we can learn to live soulfully by keeping our essential purpose in mind.
Work hard, pay attention to detail Become a better YOU
Be greedy, lazy Become a worse YOU
Even a cleaner doing 1 is better than a CEO in state 2
Soulful living;
Physical Eat well, exercise
Emotional Emotional variety
Intellectual Reading
Spiritual Soul search
So cooking a meal for family not just cooking another meal – it should be to your best abilities
Don’t just wash your car Wash it to the best of your abilities!
Love is not a feeling, it’s a choice. It’s not about whether you’ve stopped having feelings for anyone – feelings are inconsistent, unreliable, undisciplined
We become what we love the most
The 7 Levels of Intimacy:
1) Clichés
Is your primary relationship overly clichéd? Is it becoming transactional? Too familiar?
People who are indifferent, selfish or afraid become experts at employing clichés to destroy any chance of a meaningful communication
We are afraid of being judged, criticized and rejected – clichés are safe
At the same time one shouldn’t be incapable of small talk
Carefree timelessness – the most important things in life are not urgent – you skip a workout for your job, you skip a healthy meal for fast food, you skip reading a good book because you are too busy – you have to take time out for the good things in life
As a culture we are obsessed with time- learn to take out the time for those you really love – care freely
2) Facts
Conversations can be directed wherever we want them to be directed -
Gossip Doesn’t help us in becoming our best-self
Intellectual discussion Does
Speech is one of the most powerful things – can raise people up or pull them down
Catch someone doing the right thing
Don’t make rash judgments
Appreciate the tiny things people do for you – we all feel ‘underpaid and under-appreciated’
3) Opinions
Clash of opinions in inevitable – you can either resolve/accept these or create recurrent arguments/go back to just facts and clichés.
Knowing your personal goal allows you to understand opinions in a better way
Always be open to new ideas – find genuine agreements
You don’t need to understand in order to accept them – accept them and perhaps you will start to understand too.
Not all problems can be resolved and fixed.
Accept yourself and then accept others too. You cannot understand everything – stop fighting and stop resisting
It’s about the teamwork – the collective Ego > the Individual Ego
4) Hopes and Dreams
Do some dreaming. Then use these to set goals, Plan and then work!
Rely on delayed gratification
No great person became great without delayed gratification
Dreams tell you not only about what a person is today but also what he plans on becoming tomorrow
5) Feelings
Are you willing to make yourself vulnerable?
Intimacy is indeed a risk and shouldn’t be taken lightly but we must take it!
We idolize security and security – but that is only an illusion
Express yourself!
Remember – timing and environment are key for any meaningful conversation
Baby steps are key – make others feel non-judged and confident to not be criticized
Be a good listener – pay attention and be interested on the inside – and interest will automatically be reflected on the outside
We don’t need a problem solver – we just need a listener
Understand why someone is saying what they are saying – rather than the content
Value the art of listening – you can really learn a lot!
Patience is a virtue acquired – we are all born as wrestles infants
Question to confirm and clarify – to show you are LISTENING
6) Faults, Fears and Failures
Everyone has faults and failures as part of their history
Be able to own them up and admit that you need help
Not to be fixed but to have someone to walk bravely with these fears and failures
Admit and accept the past
Get rid of the shackles of victimhood and become a dynamic choice maker
We discover that we have a dark side that is inconsistent with our values and we try and work on that.
We live in self-deception – ask a crowd if they think they are above average drivers and about 80% will say yes – whereas obviously only 50% can statistically be above average.
Forgiveness is the greatest challenge for all relationships
Humor is what fuels us but we have to make sure that it doesn’t go down the slippery slope of sarcasm
7) Legitimate Needs
Are your basic legitimate needs being met?
Emotional: to be loved – Spiritual: silence and solitude for self-reflection (each of the 4 areas)
Focus on these rather than get distracted/seduced by illegitimate wants
Modern Pop-philosophy – ‘Go out and get what you want!’ – selfish fulfilment of one person’s desires at the expense of the other person’s real and legitimate needs.
Are you willing to let go of your cravings, whims and fancies to get something more mundane and simple?
‘The springs of intimacy are not for emotional tourists; they are for those committed to knowing and being known.’
The seventh level teaches us not how to ACT but how to REACT
February 27, 2020
A repetitive, platitudinous read, but thought-provoking nonetheless. Encourages self-reflection.
August 2, 2019
The seven concepts in this book helped me finally understand intimacy at its core and helped me understand work relationships, acquaintances, friendships, family, past relationships, and most importantly, my marriage. Mathew Kelly has laid out a solar system around all of us like the planets orbiting the sun; where cliches are as far as Uranus, cold and distant; to understanding and fulfilling deep legitimate needs are as close to the sun as Mercury, hot, fiery, and passionate.
However, Mathew has orator syndrome and needs an editor to fix the redundancy, unrelated concepts, and lack of specific examples. Specifically, nuggets of information are buried in verbose text and the first 110 pages could be reduced to a 10-25 page intro. If he gave his book a makeover, he could turn it into an international masterpiece.
However, Mathew has orator syndrome and needs an editor to fix the redundancy, unrelated concepts, and lack of specific examples. Specifically, nuggets of information are buried in verbose text and the first 110 pages could be reduced to a 10-25 page intro. If he gave his book a makeover, he could turn it into an international masterpiece.
August 26, 2016
I had this book sitting out when I man I was dating saw it. He commented on the book and I explained what it was talking about. He proceeded to make fun of me. Needless to say I am still reading parts of it and decided not dating him was one of my better choices. I tend to read the self help books expecting some divine intervention. I have to put them down and go back to them and read sections and re-read sections. Please read if just to give yourself some self love and know that how you want to be treated by all is not too much to ask for and expect.
June 24, 2014
I was pleasantly surprised because it goes beyond the scope of physical intimacy. And the book is not centered on couples. There are a lot of ideas that can apply to single people too.
June 7, 2017
Made some good points but this book was repetitive beyond any hope of reason.
December 14, 2017
Interesting concept, but I felt like the nuggets of wisdom were buried. I also feel like this book would have benefitted from more concrete examples and fewer platitudes.
May 24, 2024
Well, I did it again. I fell into the all so alluring trap of a self-help book. In an attempt to better myself, I caved and thought that this time would be different. I have come to accept that they are just not for me.
I think the book has some decent points. The last level of intimacy might be the most useful and practical, but I just don’t think this book is very realistic. Maybe these types are to appeal to the masses, because it never gets specific, and only glazes over serious issues.
I wish he would have taken examples from real couples, because beating the reader over the head with “be the best version of yourselves” and “you have to decide to want a great relationship” all seem great in theory. But that’s the problem, nobody is waking up and going into relationships saying I don’t want the best version of my self or I’m deciding against a great one.
A complex dynamic such as an intimate and committed relationship does not demand a simple answer, and that is what he has done, provided step by step answers. He doesn’t discuss trauma, therapy or and of the serious topics. But rather thinks that you find your soulmate at the San Francisco airport and you have to will yourself to victory.
I don’t know. Now I’m rambling. I just don’t like when authors talk directly to you rather than talking about their own experiences. I didn’t even know he had a wife until the last page. I wish he would be vulnerable and talk about his issues. Not quoting Michael Jordan ambiguously.
But he’s convicted that if you follow this book you will find true and everlasting love. I just don’t buy it.
Every relationship is different and people are complex and dynamic. This can offer some tips you might have forgotten, but don’t expect much more. Sorry if I sound bitter, it’s only because I am!
I think the book has some decent points. The last level of intimacy might be the most useful and practical, but I just don’t think this book is very realistic. Maybe these types are to appeal to the masses, because it never gets specific, and only glazes over serious issues.
I wish he would have taken examples from real couples, because beating the reader over the head with “be the best version of yourselves” and “you have to decide to want a great relationship” all seem great in theory. But that’s the problem, nobody is waking up and going into relationships saying I don’t want the best version of my self or I’m deciding against a great one.
A complex dynamic such as an intimate and committed relationship does not demand a simple answer, and that is what he has done, provided step by step answers. He doesn’t discuss trauma, therapy or and of the serious topics. But rather thinks that you find your soulmate at the San Francisco airport and you have to will yourself to victory.
I don’t know. Now I’m rambling. I just don’t like when authors talk directly to you rather than talking about their own experiences. I didn’t even know he had a wife until the last page. I wish he would be vulnerable and talk about his issues. Not quoting Michael Jordan ambiguously.
But he’s convicted that if you follow this book you will find true and everlasting love. I just don’t buy it.
Every relationship is different and people are complex and dynamic. This can offer some tips you might have forgotten, but don’t expect much more. Sorry if I sound bitter, it’s only because I am!
June 29, 2018
The Seven Levels of Intimacy by Matthew Kelly
And it’s an amazing book. One word captures the profound impression it left on me: “Enlightening!” Matthew Kelly knows exactly what he is speaking about when he takes you through the sixteen chapters of intimacy in “The Seven Levels of intimacy,” he does so with extraordinary counsel.
He begins by busting a few common myths about intimacy, or to be precise, what is not intimacy. Among them, sex is not, despite the misinformed interchangeable use of the two words. Then he takes you through what you can and cannot do without intimacy, a very exciting list. And the cruise takes off.
While you can survive without intimacy, you can’t thrive without it. I found that quite profound. Kelly argues that we simply cannot live happily without intimacy. This should get one’s attention because the main purpose of life – just like education, work and success – is to be happy.
“Human beings, yearn above all else for intimacy.”
And, in full six chapters on the subject, he goes on to do a great job of explaining what intimacy is before he even introduces the seven levels of intimacy. This way he builds a rich context that threads through sex, love, relationships, sanity, depression – among others – and the primary subject concerned with your intimacy: YOU!
Yes YOU! The self, if you want. And here is Why?
“Intimacy,” Kelly explains, “is the process of mutual self-revelation that inspires us to give ourselves completely to another person in the mystery we call love.”
Love, not in the distorted Hollywood and romance books drivel sense of “something you fall into,” head over heels – for dramatic effect! Love as a verb and a profound, invariably cumbersome, process that sees people fall out of love after a several dates, a few of which deteriorate into sexual encounters that often lead to disaffection; before the two estranged erstwhile lovebirds prepare to somersault into love again – with someone else.
“This one is the one ,” we often delude ourselves the second
time around, adding: “I know because this time it was love
at first sight.”
Of course nobody knows what that science fiction phrase (love at first sight) means, outside of ‘Alice in the Wonderland,’ but we get to know from Kelly’s wisdom (which comes with careful explanation too!) that those statements are anything but the truth.
Why, because the phrase “first sight” does not have the word ‘sight’ in it by accident. Seeing is a limited experience that never makes sense beyond infatuation; a euphoric, experience of the physical aspect of the person being fallen for and excludes the blind. Love, as many of us get to learn with some degree of disappointment, is not that automatic. It is a plant of slow growth and demands such attention, knowledge, practice and wisdom as no other plant growing process you can think of.
In this book it is a process that facilitates a recall of our story – a story that reminds us of who we are, where are from and what matters most to us. A story quite easily, and quite often, forgotten in the whirlwind that life becomes when much of what people understand about such basic issues as life & living, love and loving (or being loved) and intimacy and being intimate are informed by the lies, myths and stereotypes that cultural products such as music, film, television, fashion, fast foods indulgence, cosmetics and romantic books; churn out, reinforce and thrive on as a collective billion dollar industry. Cultural products that we believe in, worship and are prepared to spend everything we have and are to sustain – products that have evolved into powerful socializing agents.
Not only does this book free intimacy from these overwhelming media and socializing agents, but also frees the reader from the ignorance that has been systematically weaved around our brains by those who elected to define intimacy as a commodity and a dynamic term that is synonymous in meaning as sex, romance, lust and infatuation. Incidentally, together with ignorance, laziness and the inevitable self-delusions and reality distortion; these and other common addictions create the inexplicable vacuum we are call loneliness. Raise your hands those who are lonely?!
What you are experiencing is actually relationships devoid of intimacy – be it the primary relationship between you and yourself or the many others with other people, starting with your significant other, your children (if you are a parent) your siblings, your parents and that list leaves these circles to follow you all the way to work, social circles, business and … in fact any pursuit you can think of that is defined by measurable progress and achievement at the end of the day.
In short, intimacy or lack of it affects any facet of your life and, by extension, any of your pursuits. At this point, the book has your attention and yes intimacy turns out to be that pervasive a phenomenon.
How much pervasive intimacy is, is even more intriguing. It’s as physical as it is emotional, intellectual and spiritual. But what will leave you smiling, more in amazed discovery than wonder, is this two tier importance of intimacy: to help you and others become the best versions of themselves. By now 'falling in love' is no longer even a remote part of the intimacy equation. Rising is!
Meanwhile, just like love and relationships, intimacy lends itself more to communication than anything else. In this book this communication assumes a seven level hierarchy and just when you thought you had discovered enough, it gets even more exciting.
I will be a sport and outline these intimacy levels for you: 1. Level of Clichés, 2. Facts, 3. Opinions, 4. Hopes & Dreams, 5. Feelings, 6. Faults Fears and Failures and 7.Legitimate Needs.
Now, for your own sake dear friend, be a sport and discover for yourself and everyone else you will become intimate with, and pick this book, open it and enjoy ‘The Seven Levels of Intimacy’ from the best-selling author of more 26 books (published in 25 languages), teacher, preacher, husband, father, businessman, personal development coach, management consultant to over 35 Fortune 500 companies and communication expert who has been speaking for more than half of his life and brings to the table couple of dozen years of learning, teaching and practice of his craft. In short a person you can trust to teach you about such a complicated subject as intimacy!
And it’s an amazing book. One word captures the profound impression it left on me: “Enlightening!” Matthew Kelly knows exactly what he is speaking about when he takes you through the sixteen chapters of intimacy in “The Seven Levels of intimacy,” he does so with extraordinary counsel.
He begins by busting a few common myths about intimacy, or to be precise, what is not intimacy. Among them, sex is not, despite the misinformed interchangeable use of the two words. Then he takes you through what you can and cannot do without intimacy, a very exciting list. And the cruise takes off.
While you can survive without intimacy, you can’t thrive without it. I found that quite profound. Kelly argues that we simply cannot live happily without intimacy. This should get one’s attention because the main purpose of life – just like education, work and success – is to be happy.
“Human beings, yearn above all else for intimacy.”
And, in full six chapters on the subject, he goes on to do a great job of explaining what intimacy is before he even introduces the seven levels of intimacy. This way he builds a rich context that threads through sex, love, relationships, sanity, depression – among others – and the primary subject concerned with your intimacy: YOU!
Yes YOU! The self, if you want. And here is Why?
“Intimacy,” Kelly explains, “is the process of mutual self-revelation that inspires us to give ourselves completely to another person in the mystery we call love.”
Love, not in the distorted Hollywood and romance books drivel sense of “something you fall into,” head over heels – for dramatic effect! Love as a verb and a profound, invariably cumbersome, process that sees people fall out of love after a several dates, a few of which deteriorate into sexual encounters that often lead to disaffection; before the two estranged erstwhile lovebirds prepare to somersault into love again – with someone else.
“This one is the one ,” we often delude ourselves the second
time around, adding: “I know because this time it was love
at first sight.”
Of course nobody knows what that science fiction phrase (love at first sight) means, outside of ‘Alice in the Wonderland,’ but we get to know from Kelly’s wisdom (which comes with careful explanation too!) that those statements are anything but the truth.
Why, because the phrase “first sight” does not have the word ‘sight’ in it by accident. Seeing is a limited experience that never makes sense beyond infatuation; a euphoric, experience of the physical aspect of the person being fallen for and excludes the blind. Love, as many of us get to learn with some degree of disappointment, is not that automatic. It is a plant of slow growth and demands such attention, knowledge, practice and wisdom as no other plant growing process you can think of.
In this book it is a process that facilitates a recall of our story – a story that reminds us of who we are, where are from and what matters most to us. A story quite easily, and quite often, forgotten in the whirlwind that life becomes when much of what people understand about such basic issues as life & living, love and loving (or being loved) and intimacy and being intimate are informed by the lies, myths and stereotypes that cultural products such as music, film, television, fashion, fast foods indulgence, cosmetics and romantic books; churn out, reinforce and thrive on as a collective billion dollar industry. Cultural products that we believe in, worship and are prepared to spend everything we have and are to sustain – products that have evolved into powerful socializing agents.
Not only does this book free intimacy from these overwhelming media and socializing agents, but also frees the reader from the ignorance that has been systematically weaved around our brains by those who elected to define intimacy as a commodity and a dynamic term that is synonymous in meaning as sex, romance, lust and infatuation. Incidentally, together with ignorance, laziness and the inevitable self-delusions and reality distortion; these and other common addictions create the inexplicable vacuum we are call loneliness. Raise your hands those who are lonely?!
What you are experiencing is actually relationships devoid of intimacy – be it the primary relationship between you and yourself or the many others with other people, starting with your significant other, your children (if you are a parent) your siblings, your parents and that list leaves these circles to follow you all the way to work, social circles, business and … in fact any pursuit you can think of that is defined by measurable progress and achievement at the end of the day.
In short, intimacy or lack of it affects any facet of your life and, by extension, any of your pursuits. At this point, the book has your attention and yes intimacy turns out to be that pervasive a phenomenon.
How much pervasive intimacy is, is even more intriguing. It’s as physical as it is emotional, intellectual and spiritual. But what will leave you smiling, more in amazed discovery than wonder, is this two tier importance of intimacy: to help you and others become the best versions of themselves. By now 'falling in love' is no longer even a remote part of the intimacy equation. Rising is!
Meanwhile, just like love and relationships, intimacy lends itself more to communication than anything else. In this book this communication assumes a seven level hierarchy and just when you thought you had discovered enough, it gets even more exciting.
I will be a sport and outline these intimacy levels for you: 1. Level of Clichés, 2. Facts, 3. Opinions, 4. Hopes & Dreams, 5. Feelings, 6. Faults Fears and Failures and 7.Legitimate Needs.
Now, for your own sake dear friend, be a sport and discover for yourself and everyone else you will become intimate with, and pick this book, open it and enjoy ‘The Seven Levels of Intimacy’ from the best-selling author of more 26 books (published in 25 languages), teacher, preacher, husband, father, businessman, personal development coach, management consultant to over 35 Fortune 500 companies and communication expert who has been speaking for more than half of his life and brings to the table couple of dozen years of learning, teaching and practice of his craft. In short a person you can trust to teach you about such a complicated subject as intimacy!
September 9, 2020
I listened to the audiobook version of this book and really enjoyed it. I feel like the concept of intimacy is widely overlooked but is usually the missing link on struggling relationships. Whether those relationships are romantic or not, this book explains what intimacy truly is and why it’s important in our lives. The author explains how we can live without intimacy but we can’t thrive without it. This book helped me examine my own relationships and what I can do to make them stronger. I loved a part of the book where he talks about his dad and how remarkable of a person his father was. He said the one thing he regrets is not knowing his father better. He helps show that is what we will miss out on if we don’t have intimacy, we will have a longing when those relationships end or when the life of that person we love dies, that we wish we would have known them better. For anyone struggling with a relationship or has a hard time getting close to others, I would highly recommend this book. It has shown me that it’s okay to be an open book with others and that helps others develop stronger relationships with us and trust us as well.
October 1, 2023
Took the whole month for me to finish this audiobook because it was so thought provoking. I had to take breaks to process. I borrowed it from the library but about halfway through I bought it. It’s THAT good! Highly recommend! ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
March 5, 2025
I actually had to FORCE myself to finish this book. Although there were a few hidden gems and things that I will carry with me, the writing was terrible. The book was very VERY repetitive and the writing seemed a bit egotistical to me.
Despite this, I did finish feeling ready to fall in love with myself.
Despite this, I did finish feeling ready to fall in love with myself.
October 7, 2025
Matthew Kelly has an incredible gift of writing and speaking. This book was so good, I quickly ordered a paperback copy to keep in my library! (It's also on my re-read list.) Very practical advice about you, your relationships, the beauty of life/love and making the most of your time here on earth. I am always inspired by this author and this book did not disappoint.
June 4, 2017
Interesting book with interesting ideologies. It did get redundant after a while but it probably needed to be drilled in a bit. It wasn't anything new that any adult shouldn't know but it was delivered in an easy to receive way.
November 6, 2012
The author makes several interesting points throughout the book and gave me some ideas to share with my husband. However, it's far too redundant. The last two chapters were basically repeats of themselves, and I wanted to pull my hair out because it just seemed like a waste of time to re-read what I already read. Another thing I found frustrating were the lack of anecdotal examples. There were a couple, but not enough to make the book more interesting. I was also a perturbed that the author gave a lot of examples of what a "great relationship" might look like, but I have absolutely no idea whether he "practices what he preaches." He talked about his relationship with his seven brothers, but he never discusses having a relationship with a significant other, himself. You would think that someone who was actually IN a "great relationship" would be more enthusiastic about being in one rather than spouting out stuff of what one was supposed to look like. It's about as irritating to me as Catholic priests who tell couples getting married what marriage should be about or people who have never had kids telling new parents how to raise them. In order to tell people how to be better at something, you should already have already been through the hoops and fire of that activity yourself.
June 2, 2015
My biggest gripe with the book is that a majority of the content is written without concrete examples. When there were concrete examples, it seemed like they were kind of tacked in and just didn't work as effectively. It flowed without any breaks.. a lot of watery and abstract descriptions of things that sure I "got" what he was saying but I felt like it lacked the punch. I skimmed through certain sections too that were topics I was already familiar with.
Funnily enough, the last 30 or so pages were, in my opinion, really awesome and the most beneficial to me as a reader (definitely do the exercises!). The content was more structured, cohesive and addressed concerns that mattered most to me personally. It could be that I'm single so my take on the material is a little different - it felt targeted at couples trying to improve their existing relationships but still sort of helpful to single people.
Would I recommend this book to a friend? Perhaps but only the last 30 or so pages and a few random nuggets spread out through the book. I just feel like there has to be better books out there that are better put together and have better delivery.
Funnily enough, the last 30 or so pages were, in my opinion, really awesome and the most beneficial to me as a reader (definitely do the exercises!). The content was more structured, cohesive and addressed concerns that mattered most to me personally. It could be that I'm single so my take on the material is a little different - it felt targeted at couples trying to improve their existing relationships but still sort of helpful to single people.
Would I recommend this book to a friend? Perhaps but only the last 30 or so pages and a few random nuggets spread out through the book. I just feel like there has to be better books out there that are better put together and have better delivery.
May 3, 2023
I went Into this book without any specific expectations. Despite my library having plenty of copies I had to wait months to get hold of a copy, which I’ll admit made me more curious of the contents of this book.
I listened to the audiobook version of The Seven Levels of Intimacy and I have to point out how slow the book is read. Listening at anything less than 1.5x speed feels like it’s being read in slow motion.
The audiobook version comes out to be over 9 hours long (without speeding it up) and even with consistently listening at 1.75x speed it still felt overly and unhelpfully long.
I really think this book would have benefited from an honest editor who could have reigned in the overall book into more concise ideas and cut out a lot of the needless sections.
About the first hour or so of listening I really thought this was going to be a 4 or 5 star book, but anything after the 2 hour mark just went down hill in my opinion.
I initially liked the main idea he put forth about how your relationships should mutually fulfill the desire to be the best versions of ourselves. This is something I already had thought about prior to reading this book but was excited to see how he’d expand on this idea. As the book progressed I got extremely tired of hearing the phrase “the best version of yourself”. According to the author this seemingly can be applied to anything and everything with little to no grey area. He even gives an odd example regarding what makes the best movie, and ultimately states that the movie that progresses you towards your best self is the best movie. If it’s not setting you backwards in that goal, can entertainment not just be entertainment? He does another similar example where he poses a scenario where your son asks you for the newest video game. Again his solution is to calculate whether this video game is going to make your son the best version of himself.
These moralizations of our every action are incredibly anxiety producing and is something I’m guessing a lot of people already struggle with.
Without giving us a clear way of gaging what it means to work towards being the best versions of ourselves I could easily see this actually creating more conflict than less in a relationship. What happens if your spouse thinks something is setting you back while you think it’s progressing you in becoming the best version of yourself? We’re given no real way to reconcile this by the author other than to label it as a irreconcilable disagreement.
My next issues came up with the way the author likes to refer to “the other”. Anyone living outside of the guidelines he believes to be correct is categorized as lazy, immoral, selfish, etc. I just feel like this is unnecessary and will just make it harder for people to want to listen if they feel they’re unfairly being put into any of these categories.
The author specifically goes on a tangent about how people who don’t have retirement money saved all have poor impulse control and goes on to explain how easy finances are. There’s no mention of the struggles and life circumstances that lead people to have financial troubles. I acknowledge that there are plenty of people who are in poor financial situations because of their own actions, but labeling everyone who doesn’t have retirement money saved up as being that way is just plain ignorant.
The biggest tipping point for me in realizing that this author does not fully understand the complexity of people’s struggles came when reading his thoughts on therapy. While trying to make a point about how many people lack the type of intimate relationships where one can really open up, he goes on to say that if people only had those types of relationships there would be no need for therapists.
This compared to earlier statements he made in the book regarding gossip simply do not match up. Earlier in the book he says that any talk about someone to another person that would make that person think less of that other person is considered gossip. By this frame work how are you supposed to be fully intimidate with your spouse or friends if you can’t talk about a situation where someone may have treated you poorly? If I tell my friend about how my coworker treats me poorly at work is that inherently gossip? Im all for having direct conversations with the people who’ve wronged you first, but in cases where the person has no desire to change, how am I supposed to emotionally work through the situation? I think a great aspect of therapy is that you’re able to work through your emotions about any situation without worrying about negativing impacting someone’s thoughts on another person. Your therapist doesn’t know your friend, or your coworker, or your parents so they can help you work through the issues you might have with these people without it overlapping into how they feel about their own relationships.
There is a major loneliness problem in the world but even if every person had a number of intimate relationships I don’t think that would somehow make therapists obsolete. I also just thoroughly disagree with his stance of what constitutes gossip. Am I gossiping about him by writing this review which might make you think something negative about him?
When the author finally gets around to listing the seven levels of intimacy and what they mean you’re already multiple hours into this book. For a book titled The Seven Levels of Intimacy you’d think he’d actually get around to explain them much earlier on. I don’t have anything too critical to say about the seven levels he comes up with but none of it was groundbreaking to me (possibly cause I’ve gone to therapy and have worked on bettering my emotional intelligence).
To some readers this book might introduce you to some concepts you hadn’t considered before, but I cannot in good conscience recommend this book based on my critiques listed above.
I listened to the audiobook version of The Seven Levels of Intimacy and I have to point out how slow the book is read. Listening at anything less than 1.5x speed feels like it’s being read in slow motion.
The audiobook version comes out to be over 9 hours long (without speeding it up) and even with consistently listening at 1.75x speed it still felt overly and unhelpfully long.
I really think this book would have benefited from an honest editor who could have reigned in the overall book into more concise ideas and cut out a lot of the needless sections.
About the first hour or so of listening I really thought this was going to be a 4 or 5 star book, but anything after the 2 hour mark just went down hill in my opinion.
I initially liked the main idea he put forth about how your relationships should mutually fulfill the desire to be the best versions of ourselves. This is something I already had thought about prior to reading this book but was excited to see how he’d expand on this idea. As the book progressed I got extremely tired of hearing the phrase “the best version of yourself”. According to the author this seemingly can be applied to anything and everything with little to no grey area. He even gives an odd example regarding what makes the best movie, and ultimately states that the movie that progresses you towards your best self is the best movie. If it’s not setting you backwards in that goal, can entertainment not just be entertainment? He does another similar example where he poses a scenario where your son asks you for the newest video game. Again his solution is to calculate whether this video game is going to make your son the best version of himself.
These moralizations of our every action are incredibly anxiety producing and is something I’m guessing a lot of people already struggle with.
Without giving us a clear way of gaging what it means to work towards being the best versions of ourselves I could easily see this actually creating more conflict than less in a relationship. What happens if your spouse thinks something is setting you back while you think it’s progressing you in becoming the best version of yourself? We’re given no real way to reconcile this by the author other than to label it as a irreconcilable disagreement.
My next issues came up with the way the author likes to refer to “the other”. Anyone living outside of the guidelines he believes to be correct is categorized as lazy, immoral, selfish, etc. I just feel like this is unnecessary and will just make it harder for people to want to listen if they feel they’re unfairly being put into any of these categories.
The author specifically goes on a tangent about how people who don’t have retirement money saved all have poor impulse control and goes on to explain how easy finances are. There’s no mention of the struggles and life circumstances that lead people to have financial troubles. I acknowledge that there are plenty of people who are in poor financial situations because of their own actions, but labeling everyone who doesn’t have retirement money saved up as being that way is just plain ignorant.
The biggest tipping point for me in realizing that this author does not fully understand the complexity of people’s struggles came when reading his thoughts on therapy. While trying to make a point about how many people lack the type of intimate relationships where one can really open up, he goes on to say that if people only had those types of relationships there would be no need for therapists.
This compared to earlier statements he made in the book regarding gossip simply do not match up. Earlier in the book he says that any talk about someone to another person that would make that person think less of that other person is considered gossip. By this frame work how are you supposed to be fully intimidate with your spouse or friends if you can’t talk about a situation where someone may have treated you poorly? If I tell my friend about how my coworker treats me poorly at work is that inherently gossip? Im all for having direct conversations with the people who’ve wronged you first, but in cases where the person has no desire to change, how am I supposed to emotionally work through the situation? I think a great aspect of therapy is that you’re able to work through your emotions about any situation without worrying about negativing impacting someone’s thoughts on another person. Your therapist doesn’t know your friend, or your coworker, or your parents so they can help you work through the issues you might have with these people without it overlapping into how they feel about their own relationships.
There is a major loneliness problem in the world but even if every person had a number of intimate relationships I don’t think that would somehow make therapists obsolete. I also just thoroughly disagree with his stance of what constitutes gossip. Am I gossiping about him by writing this review which might make you think something negative about him?
When the author finally gets around to listing the seven levels of intimacy and what they mean you’re already multiple hours into this book. For a book titled The Seven Levels of Intimacy you’d think he’d actually get around to explain them much earlier on. I don’t have anything too critical to say about the seven levels he comes up with but none of it was groundbreaking to me (possibly cause I’ve gone to therapy and have worked on bettering my emotional intelligence).
To some readers this book might introduce you to some concepts you hadn’t considered before, but I cannot in good conscience recommend this book based on my critiques listed above.
January 2, 2016
Matthew Kelly's repetitive style is the only detraction to this thought-provoking self-help book. It's the kind of book you will get out of it what you put into it, and I plan to go back through after this first read-through to journal about many of the questions he asks.
There is no one who cannon benefit from this book. As Kelly describes, intimacy is the pinnacle of the human experience and we cannot thrive without experiencing it in our primary relationships, whether that's with a parent, child, significant other, friend, etc.. And it's not to be forgotten that all of the principles outlined by Kelly apply to intimacy with ourselves, an essential aspect of relating to those with whom we share our lives. Do yourself a favor and harness the reflective spirit of the New Year and read this book.
There is no one who cannon benefit from this book. As Kelly describes, intimacy is the pinnacle of the human experience and we cannot thrive without experiencing it in our primary relationships, whether that's with a parent, child, significant other, friend, etc.. And it's not to be forgotten that all of the principles outlined by Kelly apply to intimacy with ourselves, an essential aspect of relating to those with whom we share our lives. Do yourself a favor and harness the reflective spirit of the New Year and read this book.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 168 reviews