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Now I Am Here
We begin at the end. The armies of the National Defence Movement have been crushed and our unnamed narrator and his unit are surrounded. Prepared for defeat at the hands of the enemy and with only his sins for company, he turns to confession.
Chidi Ebere’s debut novel is a profound reflection on how good people can do terrible things – precipitated by circumstances and the violence of war. As he recounts the events leading to his disastrous finale, we learn how this gentle man is gradually transformed into a war criminal, committing acts he wouldn’t have thought himself capable.
Unflinching, thought-provoking and devastating, Now I Am Here resonates far beyond the individual story of our narrator.
Perfect for readers of Uzo Iweala’s Beasts of No Nation, Giles Foden’s The Last King of Scotland and Abdulrazak Gurnah’s Afterlives.
Chidi Ebere’s debut novel is a profound reflection on how good people can do terrible things – precipitated by circumstances and the violence of war. As he recounts the events leading to his disastrous finale, we learn how this gentle man is gradually transformed into a war criminal, committing acts he wouldn’t have thought himself capable.
Unflinching, thought-provoking and devastating, Now I Am Here resonates far beyond the individual story of our narrator.
Perfect for readers of Uzo Iweala’s Beasts of No Nation, Giles Foden’s The Last King of Scotland and Abdulrazak Gurnah’s Afterlives.
172 pages, Kindle Edition
Published March 23, 2023
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365 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews
July 10, 2024
Winner of the RSL Christopher Bland Prize for a debut work published by an author over 50.
A deceptively simple story but effective story which examines how a man with relatively low self-esteem and uncertain future prospects, is seduced both by the power of a uniform and by the nationalistic propaganda of a the associated military regime, to a point where he commits war crimes.
The book is recorded in a journal the unnamed narrator was given by his girlfriend, as he and his unit face near certain death after a calamitous reversal in their countries invasion of the country to their East.
The narrator initially joined the NDM (National Defense Movement – which has taken over the country via a bloody military anti-corruption motivated coup) as a trainee, moves across to a position in the DIE (Data and Information Extraction) department in the DIDS (Division of Internal Data and Security) where he monitors population descent, particularly among immigrants from the country to the East (who are tagged “Easties” and increasingly viewed as third columnists, particularly after the death of his countries leader in a plane crash over Eastern territory brings to power a second Dear Leader who has the charisma of his predecessor but none of the compassion that at least partly moderated the NDM founder’s rhetoric).
He then joins a PIO (Property Integrity Unit) SIU (Site Inspection Unit) who effectively repossess the property of UR (Unlawful Resident) Status Easties who have been identified as PDE (Potentially Disruptive), placed on an APR (Action Pending Register) and given a DI (Declaration of Illegality).
The increasing violence of the evictions – particularly one incident when he shoots a boy in cold blood after the boy’s Eastie mother spits at him – and when full scale war is declared he joins a PPC (Property and Population Control Battalion) “nicknamed ‘The Factory Boys’ because of their mobile processing units. They were an effective part of Our Dear Leader’s erasure machine. Their remit included the ‘preparation of land for further civilization through the removal of unnecessary artefacts’. This was done by way of Property and Population Inspections. PPI (Property and Population Inspection) The recording followed by total destruction of any object, no matter the size, that could bring joy or hope to the hearts of Easties.” – and his actions descend into war crimes including the massacre of a village.
The journal traces the past, and looking back he realises his descent into terrible acts was due to an increasing desensitisation to violence and a dehumanisation of his country’s enemies.
As will be clear from the number of TLAs in the review the book has some elements of Atwood-esque dystopia, and some of the descriptions of the luxury of the NDM headquarters or the sophistication of their surveillance methods can make the book sometimes feel a little detached from reality – but of course the novel is only too true to the late 20th Century/21st Century (even the detail of the plane crash of course partly reminiscent of the events that precipitated the Rwandan genocide) and the treatment used by the author makes this a powerful way to investigate what leads people to committ war crimes.
My thanks to Pan MacMillan, Picador for an ARC via NetGalley
Were our activities ever to appear in a work of fiction, any readers with stomachs hardy enough to read through to the end might call it a vivid depiction of Lucifer’s work. The reality is otherwise. The Devil had nothing to do with our business. Every one of us functioned as expected, as elite soldiers with a clear objective. We slaughtered and shed blood with a delirious pride. We developed new methods of killing. Our murderous experimentation, more often than not, had little to do with tactics or efficiency and a lot to do with keeping the men entertained.
I was present at all times. I questioned nothing, resisted nothing. I saw to it our orders were carried out to the letter, and often led by example. Whenever doubt or a hint of conscience threatened to raise its head, I chased it off with a reminder that ‘I am a God’ and that all our actions were for the Greater Glory. Our souls, meanwhile, began to rot. The stench of spiritual decay was always about us. On our skin, on our uniforms, in the air, and in the results of our endeavours.
A deceptively simple story but effective story which examines how a man with relatively low self-esteem and uncertain future prospects, is seduced both by the power of a uniform and by the nationalistic propaganda of a the associated military regime, to a point where he commits war crimes.
The book is recorded in a journal the unnamed narrator was given by his girlfriend, as he and his unit face near certain death after a calamitous reversal in their countries invasion of the country to their East.
The narrator initially joined the NDM (National Defense Movement – which has taken over the country via a bloody military anti-corruption motivated coup) as a trainee, moves across to a position in the DIE (Data and Information Extraction) department in the DIDS (Division of Internal Data and Security) where he monitors population descent, particularly among immigrants from the country to the East (who are tagged “Easties” and increasingly viewed as third columnists, particularly after the death of his countries leader in a plane crash over Eastern territory brings to power a second Dear Leader who has the charisma of his predecessor but none of the compassion that at least partly moderated the NDM founder’s rhetoric).
He then joins a PIO (Property Integrity Unit) SIU (Site Inspection Unit) who effectively repossess the property of UR (Unlawful Resident) Status Easties who have been identified as PDE (Potentially Disruptive), placed on an APR (Action Pending Register) and given a DI (Declaration of Illegality).
The increasing violence of the evictions – particularly one incident when he shoots a boy in cold blood after the boy’s Eastie mother spits at him – and when full scale war is declared he joins a PPC (Property and Population Control Battalion) “nicknamed ‘The Factory Boys’ because of their mobile processing units. They were an effective part of Our Dear Leader’s erasure machine. Their remit included the ‘preparation of land for further civilization through the removal of unnecessary artefacts’. This was done by way of Property and Population Inspections. PPI (Property and Population Inspection) The recording followed by total destruction of any object, no matter the size, that could bring joy or hope to the hearts of Easties.” – and his actions descend into war crimes including the massacre of a village.
The journal traces the past, and looking back he realises his descent into terrible acts was due to an increasing desensitisation to violence and a dehumanisation of his country’s enemies.
It would be impossible to live and function well in civilian society with what I carry inside. Time is short and these vivid recollections make me restless. Like the air in a distended balloon, the memories need to get out. A disquiet fills my heart, which has nothing to do with a fear of death. The worries about dying sooner than planned exist because of the cargo carried by my conscience: heavy, rotten and bitter. A by- product of my actions. Memories too ugly to travel with me to the other side.
As will be clear from the number of TLAs in the review the book has some elements of Atwood-esque dystopia, and some of the descriptions of the luxury of the NDM headquarters or the sophistication of their surveillance methods can make the book sometimes feel a little detached from reality – but of course the novel is only too true to the late 20th Century/21st Century (even the detail of the plane crash of course partly reminiscent of the events that precipitated the Rwandan genocide) and the treatment used by the author makes this a powerful way to investigate what leads people to committ war crimes.
My thanks to Pan MacMillan, Picador for an ARC via NetGalley
March 14, 2024
This whole book is basically a guy writing an endless journal entry in the last days of his life and coming to the conclusion that war crimes and human rights abuses are, in fact, bad.
The idea behind this was very good.
An army officer writes down his life story for his girlfriend who he knows will never get to read it because his army unit is surrounded and they can’t hope for mercy from their adversaries - because they have committed countless war crimes themselves.
My problem is this - I know this was done on purpose, but the narrator never fully deprograms himself from his brainwashing and never gains any deeper understanding of why or how the militaristic dictatorship he lives in (and for - he’s a true believer) did anything. There’s not enough insight or cynicism, by a mile.
For example, you get Only Forward style absurd bureaucratic institutions - I kept waiting for the Office of Really Hurrying Things Along to pop up - but there’s zero, and I mean zero sarcasm or cynicism about the grotesque forms this dictatorship takes. I mean, the narrator is employed in the Office for Foreigner Observation within the Ministry for Internal Data Extraction (I’m paraphrasing but you get the gist). Sooo foreboding but so ridiculous at the same time! The narrator never reflects on this though, he just unironically lists all those stupid names and abbreviations. It’s a conscious writing choice to have the reader reflect on this without spelling it out for them, but in my opinion it was the wrong choice. It’s just not interesting or insightful to read about this way.
I’m pretty disappointed in how this turned out. A short book that felt bloated to me, a good idea that got hamstrung by too straight faced of a narrative. If you ask me, the only way a war criminal could avoid being a massive cynic is by being massively stupid; so why would you choose for your narrator to be the latter? But yeah, I guess we at least got to see the narrator finally realising, just before he himself gets killed, that killing people is actually bad.
The idea behind this was very good.
An army officer writes down his life story for his girlfriend who he knows will never get to read it because his army unit is surrounded and they can’t hope for mercy from their adversaries - because they have committed countless war crimes themselves.
My problem is this - I know this was done on purpose, but the narrator never fully deprograms himself from his brainwashing and never gains any deeper understanding of why or how the militaristic dictatorship he lives in (and for - he’s a true believer) did anything. There’s not enough insight or cynicism, by a mile.
For example, you get Only Forward style absurd bureaucratic institutions - I kept waiting for the Office of Really Hurrying Things Along to pop up - but there’s zero, and I mean zero sarcasm or cynicism about the grotesque forms this dictatorship takes. I mean, the narrator is employed in the Office for Foreigner Observation within the Ministry for Internal Data Extraction (I’m paraphrasing but you get the gist). Sooo foreboding but so ridiculous at the same time! The narrator never reflects on this though, he just unironically lists all those stupid names and abbreviations. It’s a conscious writing choice to have the reader reflect on this without spelling it out for them, but in my opinion it was the wrong choice. It’s just not interesting or insightful to read about this way.
I’m pretty disappointed in how this turned out. A short book that felt bloated to me, a good idea that got hamstrung by too straight faced of a narrative. If you ask me, the only way a war criminal could avoid being a massive cynic is by being massively stupid; so why would you choose for your narrator to be the latter? But yeah, I guess we at least got to see the narrator finally realising, just before he himself gets killed, that killing people is actually bad.
July 25, 2023
This book randomly caught my eye while I was looking for a new read in a bookshop in Paris. I was intrigued by the description and figured I would give it a try. I couldn't have been more glad to have opened this book! Chidi Ebere is a writer of brilliance and stylistic intrigue. The premise is simple: An officer writes his final journal entries to his wife as his forces are surrounded by the enemy. With this setup, Ebere enlists the reader in the speaker's death march by establishing the inevitable and walking us backward, forcing us to watch from the start how he has come face to face with his own demise. This is a fictional story too uncanny for readers to ignore as it harkens back to wartime horrors of the past. The officer's descent into the madness of 'nationalist euphoria' becomes consuming and Ebere succintly engages gorgeous, imaginative lines, crafty foreshadowing and the mechanical mind of a soldier seduced by a uniform to conjure an addictive narrative. The protagonist morphs before your eyes from man to beast. And you, by design as the reader, are the only one to read the final confessions of a dead man. This book is gritty and tragic displaying a calculating creativity from Ebere. I could not have wanted a better book to have introduced me to Chidi Ebere. I will be buying his next book.
October 1, 2025
Wow this was an intense book. Such a candid and disturbing take on the process of someone being radicalised and commiting heinous acts. The slow descent into the main characters radicalisation and brain washing was very intense and I felt the author really accurately depicted how people are made into war criminals. It felt very nazi germany and the process of how the dear leader overtook the country and vilified the easterners was really uncomfortable to read and very thought provoking.
A really hard read but would really recommend.
Some quotes:
I have learned there are mad beasts inside us all. Under normal circumstances, these inner monsters never get the chance to come out and play. Our behaviour is prevented from straying beyond acceptable moral boundaries by our National Laws. Well, you know how we men love to push and smash through our barriers? Those five words, all available resources and methods', freed the beasts within us.
Of course these incidents rattled my nerves, nausea atacked my guts and throat, but I hid this from the world
around me. It was the wise thing to do. Many questions
ran through my head as I watched the killings. Is this
the right way to act?' or 'Why do you pretend to feel
nothing?' or What are you doing here?' were not among them. Instead, my primary queries were about the ability
and speed with which I could push the horror to one side
and gather myself together.
In the belief we had no choice but to distance ourselves from all emotional distractions, we became men of rock and iron, charged with carrying out actions and performing duties that lay beyond the abilities of ordinary citizens.
'Let the truth be your friend, Father would tell me. Today, while writing, I try and embrace truth as a friend, but tell me, what friend would bring such indescribable pain? The feeling I have is of a leaking heart, and what escapes is a bitter acid that consumes me again and again. I can do nothing. I feel myself becoming ever more hollow by the minute. It hurts, my love. And yes, I know this is the least I deserve. It still hurts that I can undo nothing.
A really hard read but would really recommend.
Some quotes:
I have learned there are mad beasts inside us all. Under normal circumstances, these inner monsters never get the chance to come out and play. Our behaviour is prevented from straying beyond acceptable moral boundaries by our National Laws. Well, you know how we men love to push and smash through our barriers? Those five words, all available resources and methods', freed the beasts within us.
Of course these incidents rattled my nerves, nausea atacked my guts and throat, but I hid this from the world
around me. It was the wise thing to do. Many questions
ran through my head as I watched the killings. Is this
the right way to act?' or 'Why do you pretend to feel
nothing?' or What are you doing here?' were not among them. Instead, my primary queries were about the ability
and speed with which I could push the horror to one side
and gather myself together.
In the belief we had no choice but to distance ourselves from all emotional distractions, we became men of rock and iron, charged with carrying out actions and performing duties that lay beyond the abilities of ordinary citizens.
'Let the truth be your friend, Father would tell me. Today, while writing, I try and embrace truth as a friend, but tell me, what friend would bring such indescribable pain? The feeling I have is of a leaking heart, and what escapes is a bitter acid that consumes me again and again. I can do nothing. I feel myself becoming ever more hollow by the minute. It hurts, my love. And yes, I know this is the least I deserve. It still hurts that I can undo nothing.
October 7, 2024
Vet int rikti va ja ska tyck om boken. Den va skriven på ett ganska intressant sätt å ja vila som no fortsätt läs an, dock fanns e så mycki förkortningar på olika saker att he blev svårt ti häng me ibland. Överlag va de en intressant bok å ti si hur folk kan ändra så lätt över en kort tid bara på grund av typ en grej va ganska intressant.
July 9, 2023
'Now I Am Here' is told from the point of view of a soldier on the cusp of what he knows will be his final battle, reflecting on all of his actions that brought him there. The story is set in a fictional universe and tells of how a breakdown in relations between two countries (that of the storyteller and 'The East') results first in monitoring and control of 'Easties' lives within the storyteller's country and then a bloody and no-holds-barred war. The latter chillingly involves 'erasure' of both East civilians and their culture; actions that the storyteller himself was instrumental in leading.
We see how the main character's lack of direction as a young person is preyed upon by a military and political organisation offering opportunities, respect and a very shiny uniform. Once indoctrinated, the peer pressure and acceptance of violence within the organisation shifts the character's morals. He begins to lead a double life, where he hides the true nature of his work from his pacifist partner, while destroying Eastern homes and lives in his day job.
Once the war breaks out and the task of erasure truly begins, the storyteller retains the double life, shown by his internal respect and interest for Eastern technology, culture and art that he is involved with recording and then deleting.
This, Ebere's first novel, is beautifully written and draws you in despite the sometimes very depressing material within it. I'm looking forward to reading other work by Chidi Ebere.
We see how the main character's lack of direction as a young person is preyed upon by a military and political organisation offering opportunities, respect and a very shiny uniform. Once indoctrinated, the peer pressure and acceptance of violence within the organisation shifts the character's morals. He begins to lead a double life, where he hides the true nature of his work from his pacifist partner, while destroying Eastern homes and lives in his day job.
Once the war breaks out and the task of erasure truly begins, the storyteller retains the double life, shown by his internal respect and interest for Eastern technology, culture and art that he is involved with recording and then deleting.
This, Ebere's first novel, is beautifully written and draws you in despite the sometimes very depressing material within it. I'm looking forward to reading other work by Chidi Ebere.
April 25, 2024
While the main character's voice is compelling, the novel lacks depth and relies heavily on telling rather than showing. The epistolary style means there isn’t much description or dialogue, and though the message of the novel is that this soldier could be anyone – we are all capable of terrible deeds – we’re not given enough specifics to care about him as a character.
With too much “factual” backstory about the nationalist movement, the predictable plot and lack of character development diminish the potential impact of the important message about the dangers of nationalism.
Therefore, it’s two-and-a-half stars for a nice idea with poor execution. However, I've rounded up on Goodreads to support a Nigerian debut author.
Read my full review on my blog
aminasbookshelf.com and check out IG/Tiktok @aminasbookshelf
for more book reviews and recommendations
With too much “factual” backstory about the nationalist movement, the predictable plot and lack of character development diminish the potential impact of the important message about the dangers of nationalism.
Therefore, it’s two-and-a-half stars for a nice idea with poor execution. However, I've rounded up on Goodreads to support a Nigerian debut author.
Read my full review on my blog
aminasbookshelf.com and check out IG/Tiktok @aminasbookshelf
for more book reviews and recommendations
January 29, 2024
Very different and great writing style. Autobiographical style.
Really a page turning
We all knew how it is going to end but still was hard to put down.
Really a page turning
We all knew how it is going to end but still was hard to put down.
January 31, 2024
2.5 stars. DNF at page 187
renee
September 2, 2025Nice writing but the subject matter didn’t engage me. Gave it 50 pages then stopped.
Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews