Choosing a Jewish Life: A Handbook for People Converting to Judaism and for Their Family and Friends

by Anita Diamant

Married to a convert herself, Anita Diamant provides advice and information that can transform the act of conversion into an extraordinary journey of self-discovery and spiritual growth.

Here you will learn how to choose a rabbi, a synagogue, a denomination, a Hebrew name; how to handle the difficulty of putting aside Christmas; what happens at the mikvah (ritual bath) or at a hatafat dam brit (circumcision ritual for those already circumcised); how to find your footing in a new spiritual family that is not always well prepared to receive you; and how not to lose your bonds to your family of origin. Diamant anticipates all the questions, doubts, and concerns, and provides a comprehensive explanation of the rules and rituals of conversion.

Genres: Judaism, Jewish, Religion, Nonfiction, Judaica, Spirituality, Reference

304 pages, Paperback

First published February 24, 1998

About the author

Anita Diamant is the author of thirteen books -- including THE RED TENT. Based on the biblical story of Dinah, THE RED TENT became a word-of-mouth bestseller in the US and around the world, where it has been published in more than 25 countries.

Her new book, a work of nonfiction. PERIOD. END OF SENTENCE. A NEW CHAPTER IN THE FIGHT FOR MENSTRUAL JUSTICE will be published in May 2021., As different as they are, this book returns to some of the themes of THE RED TENT -- including the meaning and experience of menstruation.

Anita has written four other novels: GOOD HARBOR, THE LAST DAYS OF DOGTOWN, DAY AFTER NIGHT, and THE BOSTON GIRL. She is also the author of six non-fiction guides to contemporary Jewish life, which have become classic reference books: THE JEWISH WEDDING NOW, THE JEWISH BABY BOOK, LIVING A JEWISH LIFE, CHOOSING A JEWISH LIFE, HOW TO RAISE A JEWISH CHILD, and SAYING KADDISH..

An award-winning journalist, Diamant's articles have appeared in the Boston Globe, Real Simple, Parenting Magazine, Hadassah, Boston Magazine and Yankee Magazine. PITCHING MY TENT, a collection personal essays, is drawn from twenty years worth of newspaper and magazine columns.

Reviews

[Emily · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book had quite a bit of good information in it, but it is very focused on conversion to Judaism because of/in preparation for marriage. As someone who is considering conversion as a single person, not all of it was super useful. I did appreciate Diamant’s celebratory attitude toward conversion, though.

[Mike Doyle · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book really lays out the details of becoming a Jew-By-Choice, from why others have made the decision, to what to expect from your rabbi and your learning experience during your months of study, to the actual rituals of conversion, post-conversion celebrations, and your first year as a new Jew. Written from a liberal (Reform, Conservative, Reconstructionist) perspective, the book is written for both prospective converts through marriage and those considering Judaism for personal reasons. It also discusses the disagreement with Orthodoxy over conversion (they, of course, won't recognize liberal conversions.) But unless you intend to marry in Israel or make aliyah (more there), who cares? Let Orthodoxy keep its prejudices, this book serves the American liberal Jewish convert very well.

[drew · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book was very informational and helpful. At times though I did not feel it was for me. I am someone that wants to convert and do not have a Jewish fiancee or significant other. I think at times that was who the book was for. If you are converting and your significant other is Jewish I highly recommend this to you. However, if you are converting for reasons that don't include the above I would say read but know some parts of the book will not be applicable to you. Overall a book I do not regret reading and do think prospective converts should read.

[Jadis LeFeu · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is palpably aimed at former Christians converting to Judaism because they're engaged to a Jew, so there is a whooooole lot that is not relevant to me as a person, but there's a good overview of the history of conversion to Judaism, and some details about the mikvah process that were nice. The author just really did not imagine me existing in her target audience.

[Erinn · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book as part of my conversion process. It pretty much answered all my questions regarding the process of converting, the ambiguity surrounding 'who is Jewish?', converting children, dealing with friends and family, and being naked in the mikvah (which I was a little nervous about). I recommend this book to anyone who is converting or knows someone close who is converting, it is full of good information and useful tips about how to spend your life as a new Jew.

[Melanie · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a straightforward, comprehensive overview for anyone exploring or planning to convert to Judaism, or for people who know someone who is and want to understand the process better. Besides general how-to's and explanations, it also includes poetry, prayers, and rituals that can be incorporated into various milestone points of conversion.

From reading the reviews, I can see how meaningful and helpful this book has been to so many people, so my advice is absolutely give it a read if this is something you are looking into. I wish I had enjoyed it better myself, and think maybe if I had read it a year or two ago I might have gotten more out of it. By now, most of it felt repetitious to what I already know and therefore I was pretty bored with it. And you know how sometimes you really just connect with a book? For me, this just wasn't one of them. But for you, it may be. Give it a try and see. It's pretty short and easy to read.


(It may seem silly and controversial, but one thing that bugged me a lot in the book was how often the author brought up about giving up Christmas. It was always presented as though this is something a convert will so obviously do, instead of considering those who do continue to enjoy the holiday in a cultural rather than religious way. I've both known and read of born Jews (including my husband), converts, and interfaith families who still enjoy the cultural elements of Christmas and don't consider it "a litmus test of their dedication to their Jewish faith", as one comment I've read put it. It may not be the right choice for everyone, but it felt annoying that the author kept bringing it up again and again as though there were no choice about it at all.)

[Paula · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was my first Jewish related book that I read. The reason why it interested me is because a friend of mine is Jewish. I tend to read up on what other people are, in order for me to better understand certain aspects (thus is why I have a couple of Mormon books in my already-read list).

I just so happen to come across this book on a bookshelf of another friend of mine. I think this book is a starting point in getting to "know" the makeup of Judaism. I definately ALWAYS thought of Jewish/Judaism as a way of life (ethnic like) and not a faith, merely because there just seems to be many many things and rituals that fit into the Jewish life-style. And this particular book definately confirms.

I did find a number of things in the book repetative and some things I seek more questions on. I suppose this is where I start to ask the Jewish friend the questions for deeper meaning/purposes of sitautions and reasons! :-)

[Annie · Rating 3 out of 5]

very much geared at cishet people preparing to convert for marriage (mostly). i don't feel like i learned that much from this book after taking the intro class at my shul, but if i would have read this before that, it would likely be very helpful. i think i just read it at the wrong point in my journey.

[Rebecca · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book assumes that all converts are married to someone born Jewish. Therefore, it ignores the potential challenges present for an interfaith marriage/family where one person is a convert.
It makes sense why this perspective isn't given, but just thought I'd note it for anyone else.

[Adam Konig · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read as part of Katelyn's conversion process to judaism. Ofc not a book I'd say every person should read but if you are converting, considering converting, or know someone who is and want to learn more, excellent introduction to judiasm and the whole conversion process. It did an excellent job breaking down the steps of the process, the difference between judiasm as a religion vs a culture/community, and what to expect as potential reactions to your conversion from jews and non-jews alike. I found it very helpful and interesting!

[Stephen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you for all. I have seen the ways for I am now converted to Judaism.

[Elizabeth · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a book my rabbi has frequently recommended to me in my conversion journey, and I have to say that reading it from cover to cover has been hugely helpful. The layout is very easy to follow, which I have found has made it easier to revisit certain passages. It didn't exactly cover my situation (in a relationship with a non-Jew, converting to Judaism for myself, most rabbis will not even allow this), but it covered a lot of ground, and it has been helpful in my understanding of the conversion process itself and everything that entails. Those looking to understand Judaism on a broader level won't necessarily find what they are looking for (one of my ongoing reads is Telushkin's Jewish Literacy and I have a copy ready to go of Diamant's Living a Jewish Life, both of which would be great for that broader understanding), but for those who know they want to convert (or that a loved one does) will find that it explains the process beautifully.

It managed to answer a lot of the questions I had and it gave me answers to questions I didn't know I needed to ask. Some of the information was already familiar to me, but it was great to get this more in-depth explanation of conversion.

I would definitely recommend this to anyone considering conversion or who has someone close to them considering conversion!

[Ariel Chapman · Rating 3 out of 5]

It’s a good book, but only good. It doesn’t offer a huge diversity in opinion or experience and is told from a very American, Ashkenazi and modern orthodox perspective.

[Aimée Marie Le Roi · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a lovely book for those who are converting, or are interested in converting. Diamant presents a variety of stories, antidotes, and information for those who are interested in the conversation process-for every step of the conversion process-and tries to answer a variety of questions that would commonly arise. This book does assume that the reader has some level of knowledge regarding Judaism already; so it’s not so much a ‘are you loosely toying with the idea of conversion?’ book but more of a ‘you have already done some research and forethought’ book. Though if you are the former, please don’t let this discourage you from picking up the book-it could certainly be a handy tool for your research.

[Deanna Smith · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a mother of an adult child who converted to Judaism, I found this book to be a decent introduction to the Jewish faith and what my daughter may have experienced as a convert.

[Artemis Fedorchuk · Rating 5 out of 5]

in one sitting!

[Kyra · Rating 5 out of 5]

Coming from a limited background in Judaism, this was a really approachable and informative read. I'll probably end up reading it again down the road.

[Freddie · Rating 3 out of 5]

A very surface-level introduction to conversion written more like a mediocre memoir than a bona fide guide.

[Catherine Rivera · Rating 4 out of 5]

It was pretty traditional for me but still interesting.

[Kuna · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book should be titled “Choosing a Jewish Life in the USA”, because while it is easy to read and informative, it mostly provides information that is relevant only in the United States.

[Cassidy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sincere, supportive, and detailed...Diamant’s “handbook” is just that, and so much more. The warm hug of encouragement I needed. Demystifying many parts of the process, Diamant covers everything from logistical to spiritual to relational, though focuses most on the practical and customary steps. While not completely comprehensive, it is a helpful starting point for the convert and their family, friends, and community.

My two critiques:

1) The subtle (but clear) suggestion that becoming a Jew requires reckoning with the modern state of Israel and coming to see it in a *positive* way (so it seems to Diamant) bothered me. I wrestle with the role of Israel in the conversion process. In the handbook, one of Diamant’s suggestions for a conversion process activity is to “go to an Israel Independence Day parade.” While there is nothing inherently wrong with this activity, it is important to remember that people have been converting to Judaism for *thousands* of years...MOST of for which the modern state of Israel did not exist. Israel is a part of our world, and Jews-by-choice may be asked about their feelings or opinions about it, but they should not be expected to be Israel experts or supporters (or even have an opinion on Israel, should they not want to).

2) The focus on Christianity as the “default” religion and culture that Jews-by-choice come from frustrated me. Maybe this rubbed me the wrong way just because I’m not Christian? Maybe, statistically, most Jews-by-choice are, and thus this framing for the book is warranted? I’m not sure. But there were several points at which I felt alienated while reading the book by Diamant assuming that readers would have to reckon with their parents’ Christian values, “giving up” Christmas, etc. I wish Diamant had included more of the concerns, challenges, experiences, etc. of atheists and those converting from other religions.

Even for these critiques (and perhaps even more so because of them) I highly recommend this book to all those considering conversion, *and* all those born-Jews who are looking to more fully understand the Jewish people in all their (our?!) flavors.

[Andrea · Rating 4 out of 5]

I did in fact end up choosing a Jewish life.

[Jim · Rating 5 out of 5]

While I agree with the criticisms expressed here, that the book is overbroad in some areas and assumes too much in others --and that it is unapologetically non orthodox--no one is going to read this book in a vacuum. As part of my (for lack of a better phrase) "coming out" as a Jew by choice, this book was instrumental in relieving a great deal of anxiety about the process and really helped me decide to ultimately take the (in this case literal) plunge. After years of reading about Judaism in the third person....this book helped me shift to the first.

[Daria · Rating 4 out of 5]

This a nicely written handbook but only for those who have no idea about Judaism and already want to convert.

Author talks about very basic things. I think she focused more on reform and conservative perspectives, rather than Orthodox.

The description of conversion process sounds easy, while in reality the process is not that smooth.

The book also would not be helpful for anyone reading outside of USA. Author talks about conversion in US and gives links and tips to local sources for more information.

[KaraAnne · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was one of the first books I read after meeting my (now) husband. Before getting too deep into a relationship with him, I wanted an idea of what it might be like should we decide to marry. It was very helpful for me, and helped me realize that choosing to be Jewish was something I wanted/needed regardless of the outcome of our relationship...the bonus is that three years later we were married!

[Jennifer · Rating 3 out of 5]

I feel like this book is more intended for converts by marriage/relationship than those for whom conversion has no interpersonal ties. I appreciated that it was uplifting in terms of making a jew-by-choice feel equally as valuable to the community as those born into the faith. However, I didn't see any "handbook for converting" qualities about this book, so the title is misleading.

[Hal Schrieve · Rating 4 out of 5]

Though this book is more about the internal reasoning for beginning conversion or returning to Jewish practice than it is a manual, it was something that was useful for me to read at the start of this year as I contemplated what it would mean to convert and how people would respond to me.

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Indispensible for my conversion process...I still pick it up every now and again, it inspires me.

[Jillian Coleen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good information for what to expect through the conversion process, but still leaves me wanting to know more. An btw, family and friends - I'm just learning, not making any decisions on anything :)

[reganne :) · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book! As someone who has never felt a true connection with the Christian faith I was raised in, I always felt like I was doing something wrong, or there was just something wrong with me. However, I've always felt much more connected and fascinated with Judaism, and I've recently been doing research to start the conversion process. Diamant does a fantastic job of making the book feel readable--something you don't have to think too hard about. Some of the Jewish literature I've been reading can seem a little daunting because of the old language it's written in. But Diamant's writing feels more like an informed and educated conversation--you feel comfortable reading it. Diamant lays out the entire conversion process start to finish. She describes things in great detail without droning on and answers any question a person considering conversion could possibly have. I haven't even started the process, but I feel prepared because I know what it entails. My favorite part of this book, though, is how Diamant reminds the reader that if they have their doubts, or are worried about what their family and friends may think, it's normal. Every person in the world has had doubts about their decisions or a big change coming in the future, and that's okay! It's just in our nature as humans. And as for the support of family and friends, I liked that Diamant mentioned that if your loved ones aren't supportive right off the bat, you just need to give them time and hopefully, they'll come around. Normally, when people get upset about big decisions like this, while it could be rooted in unchecked biases or ignorance, a lot of the time it's because it comes as a shock and it's hard for them to place themselves in your shoes.
This is definitely a book I would recommend to anyone thinking about conversion to Judaism, and if you have a family member or a friend that is interested in learning more about the decision you're making, this would be an excellent read for them too.