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304 pages, Hardcover
Published March 30, 2023
I could not write, for the first time in my life. But the names of things emerged cleanly from the world around me, inside the house and out. I felt, too, that only the written word could tell the experience we were living through. Time passed as it always passed, but what was filling it was not enough. What filled it, too, was mostly behaviour that we repeated every day.
No film could account for it. Film could only represent a single passing moment, unique and occupying the same time span as the act of telling. What these months or years needed was the act of writing. You could write For fourteen months we stayed in our houses, mostly reading novels, and the time spent telling would leap over the time that was told. Erzählzeit, the theorists had said, busy with their categories, and Erzählte Zeit. I would not leap over the time that was told, if ever the possibility of writing returned to me. I would dig deep and say what it was like to move through this arrested time, like an eel through mud.
And you could write, Every day they would get up and make a cup of coffee; they would go and stand in the back garden before starting the day. There was a term for that among writers: it was called the iterative mood, the mood of narrating things that happened all the time in exactly the same way. I had sometimes said, in writing or talking to aspiring younger writers, that the iterative mood was like a landscape from which an object of individual and specific interest might emerge. How long might you spin out a paragraph before somebody cracked; how long might you go on adding to I would go to the West End every Friday afternoon. I liked to go to Soho. I would go to the Algerian coffee shop, and afterwards I would visit a bookshop to see what new novels were out, and doing well. I would usually have arranged to meet a friend in a bar at five. We would sit and gossip, and eye up the dissolute late-afternoon Soho crowd. We would often decide to go and see a film, and we would phone our husbands, and we would have dinner afterwards in a restaurant, perhaps a Sichuan ... You sit in a circle of game players, each of you adding to things done every day, or every week. But in time somebody would crack. The burden of the mood would build like storm clouds. Finally somebody would break away and say, But on the Friday I'm talking about ... breaking from the repeated to the singular, something that had never happened before or since. We lived in that mood now, where the repetitions of behaviour were building up. Something unique had to happen to crack the mood open. But it did not happen. The novel built and built, living within its iterative mood, and we were living within the novel that was living within it. Every morning I would wake and make buckwheat rolls; every day I would carry out small tasks in the garden; every night the fox would patrol its little urban acre. Nothing new happened. Nobody ever said, But today ... And the mood never broke.
The novel and the art it embodied, both in those who wrote them and those who read them, was an interlacing of the truth and the invented. What happened passed before the eyes, and it was drab, monosyllabic, solipsistic, inadequate once transcribed; what might have happened stretched out limitlessly, rooted in and always returning to what had been seen.
The life we lived was of the utmost habit, circling the day like a satellite, and in that habit resided a happiness I felt I had only glimpsed before
I was in a world of monosyllables and I said what a million people said as the last thing they would ever say to the man they loved, I’ll see you soon, don’t fret.