The Parenthood Decision: Discovering Whether You Are Ready and Willing to Become a Parent

by Beverly Engel M.F.C.C.

We are living in a time when baby showers are the most popular kind of party and when TV and movies abound with adorable babies and darling toddlers selling everything from soap to toilet paper. In this "baby-friendly" environment, is it any wonder that more and more people are considering becoming parents?

Most people realize, however, that just wanting a baby doesn't mean you are physically, mentally, or emotionally prepared to have one. Nor does the desire to have a baby necessarily mean you will be a good parent.

The Parenthood Decision will help potential parents resolve their conflicts about this major decision. Here, Beverly Engel helps readers find their own answers to questions such "Am I ready to be a parent?" "What should I do if I am ready and my partner is not?" "Will I be a better parent than my parents?" "How will having a baby affect my relationship?" "What are the mistakes I am most likely to make and how can I avoid them?" "Should I have a baby on my own?" By presenting important information, posing thought-provoking questions and providing exercises, Engel helps both those who are unclear whether this is the right time for them to become parents and those who are undecided about whether parenthood is right for them.

Armed with the self-knowledge The Parenthood Decision provides, readers will finish the book confident in their potential-parenthood decision.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Parenting, Self Help

256 pages, Paperback

First published May 18, 1998

Reviews

[Ciara · Rating 2 out of 5]

i kind of want everyone to read this book, solely because it is so incredibly weird. it's written by a family counselor who considered adopting an older child when she was 40, but ultimately decided against it because she felt her work was too demanding & would not leave enough time for a child. the book is packed with questionnaires designed to get the reader thinking about various aspects of parenting that they may not have considered because they are so blinded by the prospect of a chubby, smiling baby. it is interspersed with various stories about the author's clients & whey they did or did not come to regret the decision to be parents.

the client stories are beyond crazy. there's one about a woman who was so excited when she learned she was having a girl. she expected the girl to be born with curly blond hair & big brown eyes. instead, the baby had brown hair & the mother was devastated. um...seriously? ultimately, she says she got over it & the baby could have green hair & she wouldn't love it any less (hope she remembers that statement during the teen years), but...the fact that she went so bananas over the baby having dark hair in the first place is just...i have no words.

i have even fewer words for the 22-year-old who noticed that all of her pregnant friends & colleagues were getting lots of positive attention & cool presents. she went out & got pregnant so she too could get some attention, & she says it was just great. people treated her like a queen, wanting to rub her belly (not something i personally would enjoy, but different strokes for different folks, i guess), giving up their seats for her, etc. she got tons of cool gifts at her baby shower & her hospital room was packed with excited visitors when she finally gave birth. the baby was cute as a button & totally healthy, & her cousin came & stayed with her for a few weeks to help her get started. during that time, friends & family streamed in to visit with her & the baby & she could not have been happier. but eventually the cousin had to go home & the visitors become more infrequent, until the mother began crying herself to sleep every night upon realizing that the attention she wanted was drying up, leaving a lifetime of responsibility for another person in its wake.

um...SERIOUSLY? i mean, i guess there are a lot of terrible, selfish parents out there that maybe really haven't considered that parenting is kind of a big deal (i've seen "teen mom," i know), but i'm not sure that stories like this are going to open their eyes. & they are just going to flabbergast everyone else (like me).

the author is really hung up on the idea that if you're considering parenthood but had a childhood marred by abuse or neglect, you really need to think that shit through & come to terms with it so you don't continue the cycle. i agree. but to illustrate her point, she tells a tale about a man who was ultimately pressured into fatherhood by his wife's baby fever. everything was smooth sailing until the kid was a toddler. he acted like a normal toddler, not listening & saying "no" all the time. so the dad started hitting him. by the time the kid was four, the dad was roaming around the house with a belt, administering beatdowns for the slightest infractions, calling the kid abusive names, etc.

i mean, compared with these folks, i am well on my way to being crowned mother of the year. & that concerns me, because i picked up this book hoping for some actual insight. i don't think it's helpful for me to just sit here thinking, "i feel like i am really unlikely to beat with my kid with a belt, so...let's do this thing!"

i do appreciate that the author goes out of her way to make space for gay & lesbian couples, single parents, et al, but much of her advice is extremely dated (the book was published in the late 90s). i mean, in the year 2011, if you're looking for some tips on what to expect as a single mom, i'm not sure that recaps of "murphy brown" episodes are really all that useful. & while i appreciated the spirit of the questions she poses (asking the reader to answer as honestly as possible & to do the exercises with their partner, if they have one), the questions are often very leading, which mitigates their utility.

& at the end of the day, it's a challenge to take any advice about what it's really like to be a parent from someone who opted against parenting. it seems like she has a fairly realistic picture of both the good & the bad, but...i'm not a mom yet & i really have no fucking clue. far be it for me to sit around advising pregnant ladies about what they're in for. i can guess, but i don't know, & the author is in the same boat, so it's especially grating when she repeatedly refers to herself as a "parenting expert". why? because she's a family counselor? pretty much all of my friends are queer so by that same rubric, i'm a "homosexuality expert".

read this one for the laughs, not for the insight.

[Shelley Diamond · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have read many books on deciding whether or not to have children. This book is probably the best overall resource on that topic.

What I liked most is that it questions people who already know they want children, pushes them to explain why and helps them evaluate their reasons. Some reasons are not appropriate reasons to bring a child into this world.

The book also addresses people who are not sure they want kids or really don't want them but feel pressured to do so.

[Jennifer · Rating 1 out of 5]

You know, there are reasonable people out there who consider the pros and cons of parenthood before trying to conceive -or not. This is not the book for them.

I wanted a book that outlined what to expect from parenthood - or at least the first couple years. I expected financial and budget advice, or info on a good way to research the financial impact of a child. I wanted, but would have lived without, some stories about the hardships or pregnancy. I expected some sad stories and regrets, yes. I'm not an idiot and I know that having a kid is a huge, difficult, job. But I wanted to know more about the job, with information from average, reasonable parents.

These are not the kind of parents featured, and the questions this book poses are ridiculous. Do you want to have a baby because your favorite celeb is pregnant? That is actually a question posed, with a long section of why you shouldn't afterwards. Let me tell you, anyone who gets pregnant to imitate a celeb is not the kind of person who reflects on that decision long enough to read a book for advice.

Other questions, that are seriously posed based on this author's patients, include 'Do you want a baby because pregnant women get attention?' and 'Do you want a baby because you have a very specific physical appearance in mind for your dream child?' One of the women featured in this section was devastated by her child's hair color being different than her dream child's. That's one shaky grasp of genetics, at the very least.


Or how about:'Will you be devastated if your child makes different life choices than you did?' Ummm... I am not yet a parent, but I learned a long time ago (like when I was a teenager) that kids will always make at least one different life choice than their parents. I've yet to meet a single person who followed their parents' footsteps in every respect. It's just the way the world turns. And if you've gotten to be an adult without noticing that for yourself... well, you either have a very sheltered life or are delusional.

And the section on the financial impact is, literally, one page telling you to look into it. Not even a good, comprehensive checklist of things to consider, just a few paragraphs and a couple ideas of things to look into.

[Tara · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is probably one that everyone who is considering parenting should read. It asks the question everyone should start with....."Are you fit to be a parent?" There's no exam you can take and pass or fail but this book is the best substitute for it that I've seen.

Now, I need to find a book that addresses the question "Do I really want to have a child or will I be happier living child-free?"

[Yarely · Rating 2 out of 5]

I used to be the “I don’t want any kids, I want to live my own life” person, until recently where I have thought about the possibility of having children in the future. I know I’m not ready any time soon, but I was hoping this book would be able to prepare me, set expectations, and so I could read relatable stories of other first hand accounts. First, I want to say that I found the majority of the points redundant and fairly obvious. Of course you’d want to be financially stable to have a child… but it would’ve been greater to be more specific as to the greatest expenses, unexpected expenses, recommended savings account amount, etc. Second, what stood out the most was the most ridiculous patient stories that are basically not relatable or realistic, like the one where this lady wanted a baby south blue eyes and was so upset her baby had brown eyes. Or the one where the lady only liked being pregnant for the attention and catering to, like ??? I personally expected more from this book, and I would not recommend it to those who are looking/open-minded about potentially having children in the future. I felt I gained no additional insight, and moving forward, I plan on discussing my thoughts with my older siblings about these topics instead.

[Julie · Rating 1 out of 5]

I was very disappointed in this book. First of all, the author, while a licensed therapist who has spent years and years counseling couples on making the parenthood decision, is not a mother. I don't feel convinced that someone who is not a mother can tell me what being a mother will be about. The book was extremely negative and focused on all the hardships of parenting and gave very little time discussing the positive aspects of parenting. While I realize that a lot of people go into parenting without a clue, I alrady know that having a baby is extremely hard work and that it will require an incredible amount of sacrifice for years. I know how it will affect my body physically, I know that it takes a lot of money, i know that I will need a strong and supportive partner. She made it feel like these things are virtually impossible and that life will be hell once a child enters the picture.

She gives lots of anecdotes from her clients, but very little scientific evidence to back up her claims about what mothers and fathers go through. I felt that the message of the book was basically saying that if you aren't prepared to be a perfect parent 100% of the time and give up everything you love for the sake of children, then you aren't worthy to be a parent. Maybe that's true, I don't know....but it made me feel very unworthy of becoming a mother and actually guilty for wanting to have a baby. She talked a lot about how important it is to be realistic, but I feel that it's very unrealistic to think that you can be a perfect parent 100% of the time. I think that people do the best that they can and that that has to be good enough. Of course a lot of people who shouldn't have kids have them anyway, but I don't include myself in that category. This book was not what I was expecting. It did not really tell me anything that I didn't already know and only served to make me feel bad.

[A. J · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was the second book I decided to read on the topic of becoming a parent or not, and it was a much more helpful read than the first. 

The Parenthood Decision had a lot more meat to it than other books I read so far. I really liked that the author decided to go through people's reasons for having children, right off the bat. She talked through all of the questionable reasons someone might consider having children, and some of the good reasons. It felt very balanced. 

And while the author had some weird perspectives on some topics this book did help me. By reading this book I was able to quench some of my baby fever and decide that 2019 was not a good year for me to become a mother. So this book could very possibly help you as well! 

I will say, this book is not very inclusive for non straight and cis families. Which was pretty annoying to me. It's obviously a dated book and should be revised. Still it does what the synopsis says it will do, and I gave it four stars on Goodreads. 

[Jamie · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is an interesting read. My husband and I are struggling with the decision of whether we want to have kids or not, and I thought I'd try to get some perspective by reading a book about the topic.

There are a series of exercises and questions (that I didn't really do) but the content of the exercises and questions is really good. Not only do I think it's good for people facing ambivalence about kids, it's good for people wondering how they could improve their relationship with their partner. It makes you think about your relationship, and how it could be improved or made stronger.

Good stuff.

[Peter]

Written by a marriage, family, and child psychologist who chose not to have children, this book explores many of the aspects of becoming a parent that you may not have thought of. It wasn't particularly ground-breaking for me, but it did at least reinforce that it's a life-changing decision that's worth putting some thought into.

[Salsabrarian]

Addresses concerns about becoming a parent. Sometimes you’re not ready. Sometimes you’re just not parent material. Helped me understand at the time that one is not the lesser for not being a parent.

[Amy · Rating 2 out of 5]

Eh, this book was just ok.

[Kim · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic Book! A must read for those thinking about their stand on parenthood. Even very helpful for those who already have children.

[Susan]

Long ago.
Only comment "no need"