Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children

by Emily Edlynn

As parents, we want our children to take responsibility for their schoolwork, their chores, and their choices. We want them to grow into independent adults, but when we see them struggling, we sometimes have a tendency to step in and problem-solve, telling them exactly what to do or even doing things for them ourselves. The problem is the more controlling we are with our children, the more out of control they feel. When our children feel out of control, problems big and small follow—from more tantrums in thwarted toddlers to a higher risk of drug and alcohol use in adolescence. So how do we support our children’s autonomy while maintaining boundaries and not losing our minds in the process? From clinical psychologist Emily Edlynn, PhD, comes a flexible parenting framework that can apply to every family and every parental relationship. With Autonomy-Supportive Parenting, you can build trust in your child and trust in yourself.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Family

421 pages, Kindle Edition

Published September 5, 2023

About the author

Emily Edlynn, PhD has worked with children and families since graduating from Smith College in 1998, and as a clinical psychologist since 2008. She earned her doctorate from Loyola University of Chicago’s clinical psychology program, specializing in children and adolescents. Emily completed her psychology internship at Stanford University School of Medicine, and her postdoctoral fellowship in psycho-oncology at Children’s Hospital Orange County. Emily has worked at two large children’s hospitals in leadership roles as a pediatric health psychologist, and served as an assistant professor at University of Colorado Denver. Since moving to the Chicago area in 2016 with her husband and three children, Emily left academic medicine to work in private practice, write about parenting, and increase her number of daily child-wrangling hours. She penned a regular advice column for Parents.com, and writes about parenting across national outlets and for her Substack, Parent Smarter, Not Harder. When she can steal pockets of free time, Emily enjoys reading fiction and nonfiction--often working through a large stack on her nightstand, watching documentaries about cults and true crime, and date nights ranging from wandering city museums to eating cheap nachos.

Reviews

[Jenicca Porter · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lots of good stuff in here. I wish there were more examples, but I understand it was meant to be a quick, easy read for parents. I appreciate that she covered a wide variety of topics that usually don’t get attention in parenting books.

[Diana · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a pretty readable parenting book but I don’t feel like I took all that much away from it. There were lots of example scenarios but really one would have sufficed because the advice was always the same: ask questions, offer choices, validate your child’s perspective. All this advice was great but the author never got into what to do when the advice doesn’t work. I need a sequel to tell me what you’re supposed to do when you do all the suggestions and your child still refuses to do the thing they need to do.

[Ilyse Dobrow · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a clinical psychologist specializing in parenting stress, I read *a lot* of parenting books. Autonomy-Supportive Parenting is a true standout! Using warmth and humor, Dr. Edlynn shares proven strategies to help parents raise independent, confident kids and manage their own parenting stress. She makes an excellent case for autonomy-supportive parenting (as opposed to helicopter parenting/tiger momming/insert parenting stategy du jour). I can't wait to share this invaluable resource with my patients!

[KK · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly recommend! This is a must read for any parent or caregiver (or teacher). Dr. Edlynn synthesizes the existing research and literature to create this very practical book for parents. For me, I read through the book once, but I will keep it as a reference and then also re-read to keep gleaning information about how I can be a more autonomy supportive parent. If you’re reading this review and you’re on the fence about getting the book - please do so! This book was revolutionary for my spouse and me in thinking about parenting.

[erforscherin · Rating 3 out of 5]

Extremely repetitive. You could probably skip the text entirely and just read the charts, and you’d be fine.

For parents of small hurricanes, I’m compelled to add: The examples and ideas in here are probably not especially effective under ~6-7 years old, minimum. There’s a certain level of brain development / maturity your kid needs for some of this back-and-forth dialogue that is simply not going to happen at earlier ages. Come back to this one later.

[Katie Shumpert · Rating 4 out of 5]

I value this parenting style and liked reading the authors tips and suggestions. This is a good book for people in the early stages of learning autonomy parenting. This book is special to me because I met the author at a local bookstore event. She was kind and a relatable parent. I left feeling like I wanted to be friends with her!

[Lisa Lewis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Relatable and wise. A treasure trove of advice on raising independent, capable kids. Emily Edlynn brings her expertise as a clinical psychologist to the page in this reassuring, detailed guide for parents. Highly recommend!

[Charlene Margot · Rating 5 out of 5]

In Autonomy-Supportive Parenting, Emily Edlynn gives parents exactly what they need -- a calm, reassuring, research-backed guide to raising more competent, confident, and independent kids. It turns out that "Parenting smarter, not harder" makes everyone happier and healthier!

[Kristen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great tips and ideas for parenting and building children’s autonomy. Section at the end for neurodivergent families.

[Tara Wilkins · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book and would recommend it to others forsure.

[Ron Frampton · Rating 5 out of 5]

A book to help raise confident children.

[Clare · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really enjoyed the philosophy and concrete advice offered here.

[Lisa_V · Rating 4 out of 5]

Autonomie als oberstes Ziel

In ihrem Buch „Kinder brauchen Flügel, keine Helikopter!“ beschreibt Autorin Emily Edlynn wie eine konkrete autonomiefördernde Erziehung aussehen kann und welche Vorteile diese hat. Das Wissen dafür nimmt sie einerseits aus ihrer langjährigen Erfahrung als Kinder- und Familienpsychologin, andererseits gibt sie aber auch Einblicke in die aktuelle Studienlage und hat ausführlich recherchiert. Ein genaues Konzept gibt es zwar nicht, die Autorin vermittelt auf über 300 Seiten aber finde ich verständlich was zu einer autonomiefördernden Erziehung dazu gehört. Im Buch findet man so wertvolle Impulse zu ganz unterschiedlichen Lebensbereichen. Die einzelnen Kapitel unterteilen sich dann auch noch in drei festgelegte Alterspannen, so können Eltern rasch die für sie wichtigen Inhalte finden. Obwohl auch die frühere Kindheit dazu gehört, hatte ich den Eindruck dass der Fokus und vor allem auch das Herzblut der Autorin dennoch mehr auf der mittleren Kindheit, sowie der Adoleszenz liegt. Für mich persönlich etwas schade da mein Kind eben noch jünger ist. Trotzdem möchte ich den übersichtlichen Aufbau loben, so fällt es später bestimmt einmal leicht einzelne Themen gezielt nachzulesen. Das detaillierte Inhaltsverzeichnis erleichtert das Nachschlagen zudem.

Der Schreibstil ist finde ich lesbar und auch für Laien verständlich. Einziger Kritikpunkt ist für mich nur, dass das Buch doch sehr am amerikanischen Bildungssystem festhängt. Die Autorin betont zwar zu Beginn das ihr Werk für alle westlichen Gesellschaften zutrifft, diesen Eindruck hatte ich aber nicht. Gerade im letzten Drittel geht es gefühlt fast ausschließlich um den hohen Druck der Collegevorbereitung, sowie den immensen finanziellen Belastungen der Studienfinanzierung und der Notwendigkeit Stipendien für sich zu gewinnen. All das mag amerikanische Kinder und Eltern stark belasten, für Deutschland fehlte mir hier aber der Bezug. Über den Erziehungsstil an sich mag ich an dieser Stelle nicht urteilen. Letztlich müssen Eltern selbst entscheiden was sie hiervon übernehmen wollen. Ich persönlich verstehe zwar nach der Lektüre den großen Vorteil der Autonomieförderung, dennoch bleibe ich eher der Bedürfnis- und Bindungsorientierten Erziehung zugetan. Allerdings gibt es zwischen den beiden Konzepten auch durchaus Überschneidungen.

[Tamara Hubbard · Rating 5 out of 5]

I appreciate the practical guidance and strategies Emily Edlynn shares that teaches parents to approach parenting in a way that allows them to nurture their child's growth and development while still being loving and supportive, which can feel like a hard balance for many parents to effectively achieve. As a licensed therapist who works with parents, I regularly recommend this book as a resource!