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Volwassen vriendschap - Hoe onze kennis over hechting je helpt om (nieuwe) vrienden te maken en te houden
Nieuwe vrienden maken en bestaande relaties verdiepen is op elke leeftijd mogelijk – sterker nog: het is essentieel! Ware vriendschappen spelen een grote rol bij zelfontplooiing en het streven naar een langer en gezonder leven. Eenzaamheid heeft zelfs een grotere invloed op onze levensverwachting dan eten of bewegen. Het hebben van goede vrienden helpt bovendien om depressies en burnouts te voorkomen of genezen en kan zelfs een huwelijk nieuw leven in te blazen.
In Volwassen vriendschap beantwoordt Marisa Franco de belangrijke vraag hoe we nieuwe vriendschappen kunnen aangaan en bestaande verder kunnen verdiepen. Hierin stelt ze onze kennis over hechting als sleutel voor het opbouwen van blijvende vriendschappen en relaties centraal. Ook bespreekt ze ogenschijnlijke tegenstrijdigheden (als vrienden niet direct reageren op een appje betekent dat heus niet dat ze geen belangstelling meer voor je hebben), prikt ze hardnekkige mythes door (volwassen vriendschappen groeien niet organisch, maar vereisen oefening, onderhoud en inspanning) en biedt ze verhelderende inzichten over onderwerpen als emotionele bagage en conflicten.
In Volwassen vriendschap beantwoordt Marisa Franco de belangrijke vraag hoe we nieuwe vriendschappen kunnen aangaan en bestaande verder kunnen verdiepen. Hierin stelt ze onze kennis over hechting als sleutel voor het opbouwen van blijvende vriendschappen en relaties centraal. Ook bespreekt ze ogenschijnlijke tegenstrijdigheden (als vrienden niet direct reageren op een appje betekent dat heus niet dat ze geen belangstelling meer voor je hebben), prikt ze hardnekkige mythes door (volwassen vriendschappen groeien niet organisch, maar vereisen oefening, onderhoud en inspanning) en biedt ze verhelderende inzichten over onderwerpen als emotionele bagage en conflicten.
336 pages, Paperback
First published September 6, 2022
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 1,202 reviews
February 18, 2023
Overall, I found this a wholesome, research-backed, and warmly and accessibly-written book about making and keeping friends. Dr. Marisa Franco foregrounds her ideas in Platonic by articulating how contemporary society often overlooks friendship and prioritizes romantic relationships. Thus, many of us may do not know how to form friendships and how to keep them, especially after high school or college where friend networks are more built-in, in a sense. Franco then provides a lot of helpful strategies for making and keeping friends, such as taking the initiative to see your friends and to build friendships, expressing affection and concern in a genuine way, and developing healthy boundaries. She draws upon attachment theory in thoughtful and intelligent ways to support her claims and recommendations.
I liked this book! It felt easy to read while still offering smart strategies that I imagine can help many people out, especially those who may struggle with social anxiety or those who haven’t thought about investing in their friendships. There were times where I wish the book had been a bit more… hard-hitting, for lack of a better word – I wanted more of a callout of amatonormativity and how the deprioritization of friendship aligns with how patriarchy and heteronormativity prioritize the nuclear family. But I recognize that Franco may have intentionally kept her tone on the lighter and more positive side to appeal to a wider audience. I also for some reason don’t love the insight of assuming that people like you. For me, it feels more authentic to try to cultivate self-regard so that even if people don’t like me, that’s fine, I can still find my people. Regardless of these qualms, I appreciate the rise of books tackling friendship instead of viewing it as an afterthought.
Also, Franco graduated from the PhD program I’m gonna graduate from this upcoming May! I started the program the year she graduated, I believe. It’s a small world sometimes o_o And, I’m happy to see her flourishing as an author.
I liked this book! It felt easy to read while still offering smart strategies that I imagine can help many people out, especially those who may struggle with social anxiety or those who haven’t thought about investing in their friendships. There were times where I wish the book had been a bit more… hard-hitting, for lack of a better word – I wanted more of a callout of amatonormativity and how the deprioritization of friendship aligns with how patriarchy and heteronormativity prioritize the nuclear family. But I recognize that Franco may have intentionally kept her tone on the lighter and more positive side to appeal to a wider audience. I also for some reason don’t love the insight of assuming that people like you. For me, it feels more authentic to try to cultivate self-regard so that even if people don’t like me, that’s fine, I can still find my people. Regardless of these qualms, I appreciate the rise of books tackling friendship instead of viewing it as an afterthought.
Also, Franco graduated from the PhD program I’m gonna graduate from this upcoming May! I started the program the year she graduated, I believe. It’s a small world sometimes o_o And, I’m happy to see her flourishing as an author.
August 5, 2022
Here's the thing: I'm not surprised by the amount of research in this book-- Dr. Franco is incredibly knowledgeable. I'm not surprised by the beautiful storytelling-- Dr. Franco is a talented writer. What I AM surprised by is the ways in which parts of this book stirred me spiritually. The chapter about generosity nearly moved me to tears. Dr. Franco presented the research around how important genuine generosity is, but then she carefully illustrated the concept in a way I've never heard of before. I had to pause several times while reading it to let everything digest, and I began thinking about all of my relationships (marriage included!). Being more generous may be the very act that takes these relationships to the next level-- something I don't think I would have recognized before. This book should be required reading in schools, in my opinion, because I think it holds the answers to how we ALL can experience the kind of connection and belonging we've been craving for so long. Bravo.
February 9, 2023
3.5 stars
While this was a little more self-help and a little less pop psych than I’d hoped, it’s an important topic and I generally liked the author’s approach and advice. Making and hanging onto friends as an adult in a mobile society is hard, but as Franco points out, it’s also extremely important for our mental and physical health (loneliness is worse for your health than a pack of cigarettes a day!).
I appreciate Franco’s challenge to our society’s devaluation of friendship, as well as her putting it in historical context. Not long ago, in the scheme of things, even male friends could share a bed, write each other affectionate letters, etc., without anyone viewing it as sexual or odd. Today’s American society, however, assumes friendship to be a far more limited thing, with any real emotions or intimacy belonging only to romantic relationships.
(Although in many ways, I think our society’s approach to friendship is far more contradictory than this book has space to explore. On the one hand, media often portrays friendships as afterthoughts, existing only as a sounding board for other things, but on the other, much of that comes from the artificial constraints of fiction and I think that for many or even most people, friendship is far more important than is usually portrayed in novels or on-screen. And then there’s the fact that, although our society prioritizes romantic and familial relationships over friendships, of the three, friendships are still the only one you’re automatically considered a loser for not having, regardless of circumstance.)
At any rate, Franco talks about attachment theory and how this affects people’s approach to relationships, which is probably as useful a model as any. The bulk of the book, however, is devoted to six relevant aspects of relationships:
Initiative: Probably the most useful chapter for me since it was a kick in the butt to reach out to people I’d fallen out of touch with! Franco’s major point here is that—especially once you’re out of school, and assuming you’re not living your entire life in one small community as people did in the past—friendship rarely happens “organically.” If you think it does, it’s probably because the other person took the initiative. At some point you have to actually invite people to hang out.
Vulnerability, Conflict, Affection: These three chapters cover a lot of the same ground you’ll see in other self-help books, like how to raise issues that are bothering you without devolving into a fight, and the importance of showing people that you care in ways that work for them, and the importance of letting people in a bit, without dumping too much too fast. Addressing these issues in the context of friendship is different mostly in challenging the idea that they don’t belong there at all, that friendship should be effortless and you either put up with the problems or dump your friend altogether, or that showing appreciation for your friends will make them uncomfortable.
Generosity: Mostly I liked this chapter because it takes aim at problems I (fortunately) see only in media and online, rather than in my life! Franco’s basic argument is that it’s important to calibrate what you give to the importance of the friend in your life, what your needs are and what your friend’s are. On the one hand, it’s not healthy to endlessly give to people who treat you badly (how I wish novelists would stop having protagonists do this to make them “sympathetic”….). On the other, the “me first” ideas circulating online, in which any request is an imposition and caring for others is Not Your Responsibility, are really toxic.
Authenticity: Probably the chapter that made the least sense to me. Essentially, Franco is trying to deal with the asshole’s argument, that their assholery is part of their authentic self and so others should just accept it, and she does so by arguing that knee-jerk prickly responses are actually defense mechanisms and people’s authentic selves are loving and caring. I’m not sure I fully buy it, but points for trying, and it’s probably a good assumption to make most of the time in dealing with difficult people.
Meanwhile, I’ve seen some reviewers say this book is overly woke and anti-white people (the author is black), but I didn’t see that at all. A portion of the authenticity chapter is about how to be friends across lines of privilege: some of the challenges that come with this, finding friends who will support and value you, and how to deal with issues that come up. It seems pretty balanced and realistic to me.
Overall, this is an important topic, and the book’s tone is positive and supportive, celebrating friendship. I got a little bored with it in the middle—some of the anecdotes have a bunch of irrelevant detail, and I’m not a fan of self-help books in general. But I do think it’s worthwhile. Even if you already know a lot of this stuff, sometimes we can do with a reminder.
While this was a little more self-help and a little less pop psych than I’d hoped, it’s an important topic and I generally liked the author’s approach and advice. Making and hanging onto friends as an adult in a mobile society is hard, but as Franco points out, it’s also extremely important for our mental and physical health (loneliness is worse for your health than a pack of cigarettes a day!).
I appreciate Franco’s challenge to our society’s devaluation of friendship, as well as her putting it in historical context. Not long ago, in the scheme of things, even male friends could share a bed, write each other affectionate letters, etc., without anyone viewing it as sexual or odd. Today’s American society, however, assumes friendship to be a far more limited thing, with any real emotions or intimacy belonging only to romantic relationships.
(Although in many ways, I think our society’s approach to friendship is far more contradictory than this book has space to explore. On the one hand, media often portrays friendships as afterthoughts, existing only as a sounding board for other things, but on the other, much of that comes from the artificial constraints of fiction and I think that for many or even most people, friendship is far more important than is usually portrayed in novels or on-screen. And then there’s the fact that, although our society prioritizes romantic and familial relationships over friendships, of the three, friendships are still the only one you’re automatically considered a loser for not having, regardless of circumstance.)
At any rate, Franco talks about attachment theory and how this affects people’s approach to relationships, which is probably as useful a model as any. The bulk of the book, however, is devoted to six relevant aspects of relationships:
Initiative: Probably the most useful chapter for me since it was a kick in the butt to reach out to people I’d fallen out of touch with! Franco’s major point here is that—especially once you’re out of school, and assuming you’re not living your entire life in one small community as people did in the past—friendship rarely happens “organically.” If you think it does, it’s probably because the other person took the initiative. At some point you have to actually invite people to hang out.
Vulnerability, Conflict, Affection: These three chapters cover a lot of the same ground you’ll see in other self-help books, like how to raise issues that are bothering you without devolving into a fight, and the importance of showing people that you care in ways that work for them, and the importance of letting people in a bit, without dumping too much too fast. Addressing these issues in the context of friendship is different mostly in challenging the idea that they don’t belong there at all, that friendship should be effortless and you either put up with the problems or dump your friend altogether, or that showing appreciation for your friends will make them uncomfortable.
Generosity: Mostly I liked this chapter because it takes aim at problems I (fortunately) see only in media and online, rather than in my life! Franco’s basic argument is that it’s important to calibrate what you give to the importance of the friend in your life, what your needs are and what your friend’s are. On the one hand, it’s not healthy to endlessly give to people who treat you badly (how I wish novelists would stop having protagonists do this to make them “sympathetic”….). On the other, the “me first” ideas circulating online, in which any request is an imposition and caring for others is Not Your Responsibility, are really toxic.
Authenticity: Probably the chapter that made the least sense to me. Essentially, Franco is trying to deal with the asshole’s argument, that their assholery is part of their authentic self and so others should just accept it, and she does so by arguing that knee-jerk prickly responses are actually defense mechanisms and people’s authentic selves are loving and caring. I’m not sure I fully buy it, but points for trying, and it’s probably a good assumption to make most of the time in dealing with difficult people.
Meanwhile, I’ve seen some reviewers say this book is overly woke and anti-white people (the author is black), but I didn’t see that at all. A portion of the authenticity chapter is about how to be friends across lines of privilege: some of the challenges that come with this, finding friends who will support and value you, and how to deal with issues that come up. It seems pretty balanced and realistic to me.
Overall, this is an important topic, and the book’s tone is positive and supportive, celebrating friendship. I got a little bored with it in the middle—some of the anecdotes have a bunch of irrelevant detail, and I’m not a fan of self-help books in general. But I do think it’s worthwhile. Even if you already know a lot of this stuff, sometimes we can do with a reminder.
September 22, 2022
Is this a book review, a drag, or a critique? You decide. No one has friends, so I decided to do the research for you and check out the slew of books alleging to help with this issue — perhaps turning off your phone would help. But I digress. What did Dr. Franco have to say to us today?
Very little of value.
First, let’s discuss the claims that the book was data driven — it was not. Social sciences are RIFE with shoddy scientific research and the complete inability to prove — for example — that wearing a bracelet for a sports team you don’t like makes you feel “inauthentic” enough to affect scientific research. Is academia just siphoning money society actually needs into this nonsense?
Unless the word “meta-analysis” was used, the vast majority of the studies presented in this book did not live up to any measure of intellectual rigor for me to consider this book “data-driven.”
This was a book loaded with trendy therapy speak and the occasional blue-tick Twitter woke “zinger” about white people — because you know, writing a mass market book about friendship should include taking unnecessary and out of context digs at white people. That’s definitely the time for that (/s).
It completely pulled me out of the already tenuous organizational flow of ideas to consider that this author holds deep-seated biases/prejudices against white people (seriously, how did this even come up in this book the way it did) based on what seems like nothing.
Any “advice” flung haphazardly between the bad science and unfunny woke digs was cookie cutter advice laden with popular internet therapy speak that has no novelty and even fewer practical applications.
The section on code-switching was another manipulative page padding trick. So only black Americans code switch (apparently) and this trauma (allegedly) is thus that black people apparently share another unique form of oppression in the woke-verse — friendlessness. What a load of nonsense.
There’s absolutely NO evidence that being black or any cultural expressions of blackness reduce the number of friends you have over your lifetime. Your best shot at embodying this non existent condition of unique friendlessness amongst black people is for you to follow the example set by the literal author of the book and immediately act abrasive and rude to white people because you bought into some crock about EVERY white person in all of existence in the entire USA judging you for your skin color/accent/name etc.
“Data-driven” appears only to matter when it’s convenient. When you want to propagandize divisive, unscientific, and unhelpful drivel that supports the popular social mores of the insufferable upper middle class DC wokes, data can be thrown out the window in favor of anecdotes.
The section on people with privilege was mind-numbing. Race is the only form of privilege. This is of course extremely convenient for WEALTHY PHDS with a dusting of melanin to believe. What about friendships across class? That seems to me far more relevant since my skin color doesn’t affect whether I can go to Toronto with my friends, but if I didn’t have a passport, that certainly would. This seems relevant in a country with extremely high income inequality, wage stagnation and crippling debt.
But this was not a book of intellectualism, so thinking outside the prescriptive box of social issues that affect friendship, this was not considered. And let’s be honest? None of the woke queens in this book would be friends with anyone poor, so it’s a moot point.
Another issue with the writing was the excessive quoting of other authors. It had the impact of making it abundantly clear that original thought was not the author’s forte.
The majority of the anecdotes about the personal friendships made me roll my eyes. These people sound like they are all in the most insufferable kind of therapy and have to constantly apologize and walk on eggshells around each other. You know… I think this book made me want friends even less.
The self-absorption and what Chimamanda so aptly called ‘navel-gazing’ of this generation of writers is enough to make you want to fling yourself into Mordor.
Don’t worry, Frodo — I got the ring.
P.S. Take a dollar to add to your Republican uncle’s Christmas stocking every time you read a variation of the word “trigger”. He’ll be thrilled.
Very little of value.
First, let’s discuss the claims that the book was data driven — it was not. Social sciences are RIFE with shoddy scientific research and the complete inability to prove — for example — that wearing a bracelet for a sports team you don’t like makes you feel “inauthentic” enough to affect scientific research. Is academia just siphoning money society actually needs into this nonsense?
Unless the word “meta-analysis” was used, the vast majority of the studies presented in this book did not live up to any measure of intellectual rigor for me to consider this book “data-driven.”
This was a book loaded with trendy therapy speak and the occasional blue-tick Twitter woke “zinger” about white people — because you know, writing a mass market book about friendship should include taking unnecessary and out of context digs at white people. That’s definitely the time for that (/s).
It completely pulled me out of the already tenuous organizational flow of ideas to consider that this author holds deep-seated biases/prejudices against white people (seriously, how did this even come up in this book the way it did) based on what seems like nothing.
Any “advice” flung haphazardly between the bad science and unfunny woke digs was cookie cutter advice laden with popular internet therapy speak that has no novelty and even fewer practical applications.
The section on code-switching was another manipulative page padding trick. So only black Americans code switch (apparently) and this trauma (allegedly) is thus that black people apparently share another unique form of oppression in the woke-verse — friendlessness. What a load of nonsense.
There’s absolutely NO evidence that being black or any cultural expressions of blackness reduce the number of friends you have over your lifetime. Your best shot at embodying this non existent condition of unique friendlessness amongst black people is for you to follow the example set by the literal author of the book and immediately act abrasive and rude to white people because you bought into some crock about EVERY white person in all of existence in the entire USA judging you for your skin color/accent/name etc.
“Data-driven” appears only to matter when it’s convenient. When you want to propagandize divisive, unscientific, and unhelpful drivel that supports the popular social mores of the insufferable upper middle class DC wokes, data can be thrown out the window in favor of anecdotes.
The section on people with privilege was mind-numbing. Race is the only form of privilege. This is of course extremely convenient for WEALTHY PHDS with a dusting of melanin to believe. What about friendships across class? That seems to me far more relevant since my skin color doesn’t affect whether I can go to Toronto with my friends, but if I didn’t have a passport, that certainly would. This seems relevant in a country with extremely high income inequality, wage stagnation and crippling debt.
But this was not a book of intellectualism, so thinking outside the prescriptive box of social issues that affect friendship, this was not considered. And let’s be honest? None of the woke queens in this book would be friends with anyone poor, so it’s a moot point.
Another issue with the writing was the excessive quoting of other authors. It had the impact of making it abundantly clear that original thought was not the author’s forte.
The majority of the anecdotes about the personal friendships made me roll my eyes. These people sound like they are all in the most insufferable kind of therapy and have to constantly apologize and walk on eggshells around each other. You know… I think this book made me want friends even less.
The self-absorption and what Chimamanda so aptly called ‘navel-gazing’ of this generation of writers is enough to make you want to fling yourself into Mordor.
Don’t worry, Frodo — I got the ring.
P.S. Take a dollar to add to your Republican uncle’s Christmas stocking every time you read a variation of the word “trigger”. He’ll be thrilled.
December 18, 2024
4.5 ⭐️ I definitely plan to revisit this one. It is well researched yet practical. I’m excited to grow my friendships and support my clients in doing the same. No paragraph was wasted.
July 2, 2022
4.5 stars. An instructive look at friendship through the lens of attachment theory. The author, a psychologist, makes a strong case for why we need to prioritize friendship more, as well as how these relationships take work just like any other—and they’re worth working on. It’s an engaging read, with a blend of research, anecdotes from her own life, and practical tips. As a single woman, I’m already a believer in the power of friendship and I’m always interested in deepening those relationships. This provides a good gut check about the kind of friends we are and potential areas of improvement.
This wasn’t necessarily new information but it was helpful to have it packaged together in one place. It has the potential to really revolutionize friendships for people who haven’t put the same time and energy in as their romantic or familial relationships. I particularly appreciated the chapter on managing conflict and the helpful scripts provided throughout. I will be recommending it a lot, I can tell.
The Author’s Note acknowledges the limitations of this book. Much of the research on friendship is older, conducted in the US, and based on small samples of predominantly white cishet college students. I hope the field is starting to diversify because that’s a pretty biased small sample. The author is a Person of Color and she shares some of her experiences, particularly when addressing interracial friendships. This was a welcome addition. It would have been nice to have chapters dedicated to exploring LGBTQ friendships and found families (going beyond the acknowledgment of homophobia and its impact on friendship) and different cultural expressions of friendship to counter the lack of research.
A few minor quibbles:
1. Franco uses Hazan and Shaver's Three-Category Relationship Model for attachment theory. To each their own. I prefer Bartholomew and Horowitz's Four-Category Model of Adult Attachment, which introduced fearful-avoidant attachment. If the descriptions in this book don’t fully resonate with you, it might be worth looking into fearful-avoidant.
2. While the author asserts the internet can have a detrimental effect on friendship, it can also have a profoundly positive impact that leads to real life friendship. That’s certainly been true for me—at this point in my life, the majority of my closest friends are people I first connected with online. Some of them live locally; for those out of state, we regularly travel to visit each other. It makes sense since we’re often bonding over common interests. Internet friendship can also be a boon for the disabled community or those who are isolated. The lack of acknowledgment of these positives was puzzling.
3. I didn’t 100% agree with the examination of new age generosity and individualistic boundaries vs. communal boundaries. It felt based on stereotypes, as well as a deliberate misunderstanding of the importance of healthy boundaries, especially when it comes to emotional labor.
Content notes: (most of these are brief examples from different people interviewed, as well as the author’s own experiences) child physical and emotional abuse, child neglect, death of loved ones (including dementia), sick relatives (including cancer), medical issues, Munchausen’s Syndrome , depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, psychotic episode, mental hospital stay, self-harm, homophobia, concern of forced outing and transphobia, racism, racial violence, ableism, disordered eating, fatphobia, bullying, toxic masculinity, parental addiction, alcoholism, contemplating pregnancy, COVID-19, witnessed family violence, incarceration, infidelity, divorce, toxic relationships, purity culture, animal research, alcohol, drug references, gendered pejoratives, gender essentialist language, mention of parent having stillborn baby (past), mention of Pulse Night Club shooting, reference to enslavement
Disclosure: I received a free advanced copy from G.P. Putnam’s Sons in exchange for an honest review.
This wasn’t necessarily new information but it was helpful to have it packaged together in one place. It has the potential to really revolutionize friendships for people who haven’t put the same time and energy in as their romantic or familial relationships. I particularly appreciated the chapter on managing conflict and the helpful scripts provided throughout. I will be recommending it a lot, I can tell.
The Author’s Note acknowledges the limitations of this book. Much of the research on friendship is older, conducted in the US, and based on small samples of predominantly white cishet college students. I hope the field is starting to diversify because that’s a pretty biased small sample. The author is a Person of Color and she shares some of her experiences, particularly when addressing interracial friendships. This was a welcome addition. It would have been nice to have chapters dedicated to exploring LGBTQ friendships and found families (going beyond the acknowledgment of homophobia and its impact on friendship) and different cultural expressions of friendship to counter the lack of research.
A few minor quibbles:
1. Franco uses Hazan and Shaver's Three-Category Relationship Model for attachment theory. To each their own. I prefer Bartholomew and Horowitz's Four-Category Model of Adult Attachment, which introduced fearful-avoidant attachment. If the descriptions in this book don’t fully resonate with you, it might be worth looking into fearful-avoidant.
2. While the author asserts the internet can have a detrimental effect on friendship, it can also have a profoundly positive impact that leads to real life friendship. That’s certainly been true for me—at this point in my life, the majority of my closest friends are people I first connected with online. Some of them live locally; for those out of state, we regularly travel to visit each other. It makes sense since we’re often bonding over common interests. Internet friendship can also be a boon for the disabled community or those who are isolated. The lack of acknowledgment of these positives was puzzling.
3. I didn’t 100% agree with the examination of new age generosity and individualistic boundaries vs. communal boundaries. It felt based on stereotypes, as well as a deliberate misunderstanding of the importance of healthy boundaries, especially when it comes to emotional labor.
Content notes: (most of these are brief examples from different people interviewed, as well as the author’s own experiences) child physical and emotional abuse, child neglect, death of loved ones (including dementia), sick relatives (including cancer), medical issues, Munchausen’s Syndrome , depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, psychotic episode, mental hospital stay, self-harm, homophobia, concern of forced outing and transphobia, racism, racial violence, ableism, disordered eating, fatphobia, bullying, toxic masculinity, parental addiction, alcoholism, contemplating pregnancy, COVID-19, witnessed family violence, incarceration, infidelity, divorce, toxic relationships, purity culture, animal research, alcohol, drug references, gendered pejoratives, gender essentialist language, mention of parent having stillborn baby (past), mention of Pulse Night Club shooting, reference to enslavement
Disclosure: I received a free advanced copy from G.P. Putnam’s Sons in exchange for an honest review.
October 21, 2023
The examples of people making friendships included cops, soldiers, settlers, slave owners. The bad writing is what meant I couldn’t go beyond 40%. Sad I spent my money on this.
September 6, 2022
If you're lonely or struggling, read this book. Making friends doesn't have to be a chore, and it doesn't have to be elusive.
I'm in my late 30s and I have two young kids, and I know how hard it is to fit anything else into the day, yet reading this book gave me hope and optimism for making more friends. Just as the pandemic was starting, my husband and I moved (it was a move we'd started before the pandemic hit), and we ended up in a new town with zero contacts, work-from-home jobs, and virtual school.
Over the last two years, community has been too hard to come by, and I've felt the sadness that is not knowing enough people around me. After two years of the pandemic chaos, I decided to make a concerted effort to build more friendships and connections in this town. This book is the perfect tool for understanding how friendships start, with clear takeaways for what to do (and how to do it).
This book is great for nerds (like me) as well as casual readers who want to figure out how to make new friends. I was given an early review copy to read in advance of publication, and here's what I learned:
Marisa G Franco is a PhD psychologist who studies friendships, relationships, and attachment, and she's sifted through hundreds of studies on how friendships are made and distilled it into stories and ideas that can be immediately implemented. For example:
- Most people (wrongly) assume that other people don't like them. The good news? Most people actually like you more than you think!
- Most people are waiting for someone else to initiate something. The good news is that if you initiate, you have a really good chance of making new friends.
- Initiation can be relatively small, like "I noticed XYZ, what did you think?" She shares this "insight-question" from another researcher and I immediately used it at the coffee shop the next day.
We live in a world where it's harder and harder to make friends. Countless headlines reveal that most adults have only a few friends, if that. Many men have only one close friend, and many more would say they have zero adult friends. When we don't have friends and community, our physical/emotional wellness suffers.
If you read this book and commit to taking just one of the actions in it each week, chances are you'll know dozens of people by name by this time next year.
I'm in my late 30s and I have two young kids, and I know how hard it is to fit anything else into the day, yet reading this book gave me hope and optimism for making more friends. Just as the pandemic was starting, my husband and I moved (it was a move we'd started before the pandemic hit), and we ended up in a new town with zero contacts, work-from-home jobs, and virtual school.
Over the last two years, community has been too hard to come by, and I've felt the sadness that is not knowing enough people around me. After two years of the pandemic chaos, I decided to make a concerted effort to build more friendships and connections in this town. This book is the perfect tool for understanding how friendships start, with clear takeaways for what to do (and how to do it).
This book is great for nerds (like me) as well as casual readers who want to figure out how to make new friends. I was given an early review copy to read in advance of publication, and here's what I learned:
Marisa G Franco is a PhD psychologist who studies friendships, relationships, and attachment, and she's sifted through hundreds of studies on how friendships are made and distilled it into stories and ideas that can be immediately implemented. For example:
- Most people (wrongly) assume that other people don't like them. The good news? Most people actually like you more than you think!
- Most people are waiting for someone else to initiate something. The good news is that if you initiate, you have a really good chance of making new friends.
- Initiation can be relatively small, like "I noticed XYZ, what did you think?" She shares this "insight-question" from another researcher and I immediately used it at the coffee shop the next day.
We live in a world where it's harder and harder to make friends. Countless headlines reveal that most adults have only a few friends, if that. Many men have only one close friend, and many more would say they have zero adult friends. When we don't have friends and community, our physical/emotional wellness suffers.
If you read this book and commit to taking just one of the actions in it each week, chances are you'll know dozens of people by name by this time next year.
January 4, 2023
I think book could be useful for anyone pushing past their mid 20s, as friend groups tend to start dwindling down. There are a good number of tips to maintaining your friendships and how to communicate grievances so that your needs in the relationship can also be met. Since the book is for making friends the author didn’t delve into it, but it would have nice to have more discussion of when to call it quits in a friendship, since many of the tips came with thorough examples I just feel like this would have been a good opportunity to guide the reader through ending relationships that were not healthy for either party.
My only other gripe for the book is as the author mentions, the studies are often studies of small groups of white heterosexual American college students. So while the book is based in science, the science itself is not a good representation of the population.
*review copy via Netgalley
My only other gripe for the book is as the author mentions, the studies are often studies of small groups of white heterosexual American college students. So while the book is based in science, the science itself is not a good representation of the population.
*review copy via Netgalley
March 17, 2023
In "Platonic," Marisa Franco makes an argument for why friendship is so undervalued and then offers strategies for how to form strong friendships. I love the idea of Franco's book. In a culture where we are increasingly isolated and lonely, we need to esteem friendship more highly.
I also appreciate Franco's approach of consolidating a lot of research. Even though the studies that she cites that are not earth-shattering (that is most of them), are helpful in grounding the book. It is not just Franco's opinion that friendships are deepened through vulnerability, for instance, the science agrees.
That said, because Franco's worldview is so secular, some of the book is layered with presumptions that are not scientific, but cultural. Unsurprisingly, Franco resorts to other psychological thinkers as her support here. When considering why male friendships have diminished significantly, for instance, Franco concludes that it is because of the prevalent cultural homophobia instead of what would seem to be a much more natural conclusion, that in a world that has been sexualized by Freud, we've lost categories for how to understand feelings of friendship.
In addition, while Franco seems like a very likeable person, the book drips with saccharine-sweet stories and anecdotes. It very much has the feel of Oprah. And Franco is constantly posturing to make sure that her liberal ideology is protected even when the sway of her research is pulling her the other way. For instance, while the research tells us that we ought to have friendships where we step into difficult conversations and disagreements, Franco goes out of her way to make sure that the weight of such disagreements is borne by the privileged.
I picked up Wesley Hill's "Spiritual Friendship" as soon as I finished "Platonic" and I'm hoping for a more robust and solid book on friendship. While I appreciate many of Franco's aims, I am sure there are better resources out there.
For more reviews see thebeehive.live.
I also appreciate Franco's approach of consolidating a lot of research. Even though the studies that she cites that are not earth-shattering (that is most of them), are helpful in grounding the book. It is not just Franco's opinion that friendships are deepened through vulnerability, for instance, the science agrees.
That said, because Franco's worldview is so secular, some of the book is layered with presumptions that are not scientific, but cultural. Unsurprisingly, Franco resorts to other psychological thinkers as her support here. When considering why male friendships have diminished significantly, for instance, Franco concludes that it is because of the prevalent cultural homophobia instead of what would seem to be a much more natural conclusion, that in a world that has been sexualized by Freud, we've lost categories for how to understand feelings of friendship.
In addition, while Franco seems like a very likeable person, the book drips with saccharine-sweet stories and anecdotes. It very much has the feel of Oprah. And Franco is constantly posturing to make sure that her liberal ideology is protected even when the sway of her research is pulling her the other way. For instance, while the research tells us that we ought to have friendships where we step into difficult conversations and disagreements, Franco goes out of her way to make sure that the weight of such disagreements is borne by the privileged.
I picked up Wesley Hill's "Spiritual Friendship" as soon as I finished "Platonic" and I'm hoping for a more robust and solid book on friendship. While I appreciate many of Franco's aims, I am sure there are better resources out there.
For more reviews see thebeehive.live.
August 30, 2022
Platonic will be a great read for anyone who has or wants friends, so it should be a great read for everyone. I was particularly drawn to the chapters on taking initiative, vulnerability, and affection; the science and stories in each of these led me to much fruitful reflection on the relationships in my life. Dr. Franco has done a wonderful job synthesizing across hundreds of studies in diverse fields to present us with a digestible, funny, and often poignant book, which I hope will prove an entertaining and useful guide through the vagaries of adult friendships for many, many readers!
November 24, 2022
Franco doesn't think our society takes friendship seriously enough:
I agree that friendships can be as deep and meaningful as any other relationship; most of the people I've felt the closest to and been the most open with have been friends. But the formations of those deep friendships often seem like mysterious, unrepeatable miracles. How do you build new ones? That's what this book is about.
Franco frequently looks at friendship through the lense of attachment theory, discussing how things are different for securely-attached, anxiously-attached, and avoidantly-attached people. (According to the quiz in the book, I'm a tie between anxious and secure, which sounds plausible. I like to imagine that a graph over time would show me slowly becoming less anxious and more secure.) I like how she describes it:
Your attachment style influences what you assume the other person thinks about you, what you read into their behavior. And this may affect their behavior, according to "reciprocity theory":
And, of course, anxious or avoidant attachment styles come with a variety of counterproductive defense mechanisms.
There are six chapters each focused on a behavior that's important for building good friendships.
"Taking Initiative". Franco emphasizes that making friends takes deliberate effort. Waiting for it to happen "organically" is unrealistic.
One thing she recommends taking advantage of is the mere exposure effect: "through merely being exposed to someone continuously, we come to like them." So it's valuable to do things that put you around the same people over and over - for example, "choosing book clubs over happy hours, or a language class over a language workshop." Or "becoming a regular at your local coffee shop, bar, or gym." This advice rings true to me; pretty much all the friendships I've developed outside work or school have come from meetups that I attended consistently for months or years.
But even if you're around someone all the time, one of you still has to take the step of starting a conversation. Franco points out that rejection is far less likely than we tend to think.
No mention of whether the study followed up with the strangers to determine how many of them were secretly thinking god, I wish this person would shut up and go away while acting pleasant. I suspect that number would be much larger than zero. But Franco cites other research indicating that people "systematically underestimated how much their interaction partner liked them". So on both pragmatic grounds (the "reciprocity theory" discussed above) and in the interests of accuracy, she advises: "Assume people like you."
"Expressing Vulnerability". Talking about my deepest sources of shame, guilt, or insecurity has been the foundation of some of the most meaningful and satisfying friendships in my life. So Franco didn't need to convince me of the value of vulnerability. But she did help me see some pitfalls more clearly. One is that trying to downplay something that's actually important to you is counterproductive:
Franco also provides a useful perspective on "oversharing". Part of the charm of vulnerability is that it reveals how much we trust someone - but that doesn't work if they're aware they haven't given us any particular reason to trust them:
"Pursuing Authenticity". Franco views authenticity as "a state of presence we access when we aren't hijacked by our defense mechanisms." This means authenticity requires you to "restrain from indulging in what comes most naturally" when what comes naturally is a defense mechanism.
What interested me most in this chapter were some of its references:
- A Roy Baumeister article on problems with the concept of authenticity
- A study called "Attachment, Caregiving, and Altruism: Boosting Attachment Security Increases Compassion and Helping" apparently found that a brief subconscious priming to make people feel secure made them more willing to agree to touch cockroaches (so that someone else wouldn't have to). What?!
- "The power of being heard: The benefits of ‘perspective-giving’ in the context of intergroup conflict" sounds really fascinating; from Franco's summary:
"Harmonizing with Anger". Anger is an emotion that I don't have much use or respect for, so I wasn't expecting to like this chapter. But my complaints ended up being mostly terminological. Franco distinguishes two types of anger:
Personally I wouldn't call "anger of hope" anger at all; it just sounds like (strong) dissatisfaction. Regardless, the chapter's key point is the importance of addressing conflict thoughtfully - not pretending the conflict isn't there, nor lashing out aggressively. I certainly agree with that.
Franco mentions a concept called "dynamic safety". A relationship that has dynamic safety is characterized not by a lack of conflict, but by an ability to repeatedly address and resolve conflict.
A good quote from this chapter:
"Offering Generosity". I appreciate this chapter's pushback against overly simplistic notions of boundaries. Franco gives an example of an Instagram post encouraging people to "feel comfortable saying" things like "I'm drained. I will respond when I have energy again." I see memes like this a lot; they give the impression that a good friend should always be totally fine with you saying no to whatever, whenever.
Which is silly. As Franco says, "[i]t is appropriate to share these kinds of boundaries with someone we don't know well or don't care to, but when we get close, the rules of generosity change." I certainly believe everyone has the right to set whatever boundaries they feel like. But if you're in the habit of responding to your close friends' requests for support by telling them (however politely) to fuck off until it's a good time for you, you've got to expect that they're going to quickly stop considering you a close friend, and replace you with someone they can rely on.
Presumably, part of why these memes are popular is that many people have been trained to have no boundaries - to use themselves up trying to meet every demand everyone makes of them. The chapter also devotes plenty of time to discussing the harm this causes, and how to steer a middle course by building mutually beneficial relationships.
There's also an interesting discussion about how sharing responsibility, not just having similar interests, is a key part of community:
"Giving Affection". As you'd expect, Franco argues that showing affection to friends is highly beneficial and that we generally don't do so as much as we should. (She also claims that people were far more affectionate with their friends in the 1800s, and that a rising fear of being perceived as gay led to a suppression of affection in the 1900s.) But it's important to tailor the mode and amount of affection based on the personality of the recipient. This quote she attributes to Kory Floyd is uncomfortably applicable to my younger self: "Anxious people never feel like there can be enough love. So they will smother the other person with affection to the point at which they can no longer keep up."
My favorite thing in the chapter is this:
(crossposted from https://brokensandals.net/reviews/202...)
We don't just assume that friendship is a second-tier relationship; we act to make it so. Compared to our families and romantic partners, with friends, we invest less time, are less vulnerable, and share less adoration. We see romantic relationships as the appropriate relationship to hitch a flight to see each other, toil through tension, or nurse each other back to health. We see family as appropriate relationships to move across the country for or to stay committed to despite problematic Uncle Russ getting drunk and testy every holiday. ... while typically our friends are not as close to us as our spouse or sibling, they can be. The only reason they aren't is because the rest of us unnecessarily compartmentalize friendship into happy hours and occasional lunch dates. ... We scalpel the tissue of deep intimacy out of friendship....
I agree that friendships can be as deep and meaningful as any other relationship; most of the people I've felt the closest to and been the most open with have been friends. But the formations of those deep friendships often seem like mysterious, unrepeatable miracles. How do you build new ones? That's what this book is about.
Franco frequently looks at friendship through the lense of attachment theory, discussing how things are different for securely-attached, anxiously-attached, and avoidantly-attached people. (According to the quiz in the book, I'm a tie between anxious and secure, which sounds plausible. I like to imagine that a graph over time would show me slowly becoming less anxious and more secure.) I like how she describes it:
Attachment is what we project onto ambiguity in relationships...
Your attachment style influences what you assume the other person thinks about you, what you read into their behavior. And this may affect their behavior, according to "reciprocity theory":
If we are kind, open, and trusting, people are more likely to respond in kind. Secure people, then, don't just assume others are trustworthy; they make others trustworthy through their good faith.
And, of course, anxious or avoidant attachment styles come with a variety of counterproductive defense mechanisms.
There are six chapters each focused on a behavior that's important for building good friendships.
"Taking Initiative". Franco emphasizes that making friends takes deliberate effort. Waiting for it to happen "organically" is unrealistic.
One thing she recommends taking advantage of is the mere exposure effect: "through merely being exposed to someone continuously, we come to like them." So it's valuable to do things that put you around the same people over and over - for example, "choosing book clubs over happy hours, or a language class over a language workshop." Or "becoming a regular at your local coffee shop, bar, or gym." This advice rings true to me; pretty much all the friendships I've developed outside work or school have come from meetups that I attended consistently for months or years.
But even if you're around someone all the time, one of you still has to take the step of starting a conversation. Franco points out that rejection is far less likely than we tend to think.
A study by Nicholas Epley and Juliana Schroeder at the University of Chicago involved asking people to talk to a stranger on the train. Can you guess how many were shot down? None! According to Epley and Schroeder, "Commuters appeared to think that talking to a stranger posed a meaningful risk of social rejection. As far as we can tell, it posed no risk at all."
No mention of whether the study followed up with the strangers to determine how many of them were secretly thinking god, I wish this person would shut up and go away while acting pleasant. I suspect that number would be much larger than zero. But Franco cites other research indicating that people "systematically underestimated how much their interaction partner liked them". So on both pragmatic grounds (the "reciprocity theory" discussed above) and in the interests of accuracy, she advises: "Assume people like you."
"Expressing Vulnerability". Talking about my deepest sources of shame, guilt, or insecurity has been the foundation of some of the most meaningful and satisfying friendships in my life. So Franco didn't need to convince me of the value of vulnerability. But she did help me see some pitfalls more clearly. One is that trying to downplay something that's actually important to you is counterproductive:
It's when there's a mismatch of the content (this is me being vulnerable) and the nonverbal cues (this is no big deal) that misunderstanding can arise. I call this mismatch "packaged vulnerability." ... The issue with packaged vulnerability, Dr. Jackson shared, is that "emotions are the cues for other people, so they know how to respond." When we package our vulnerability to seem less helpless, we run a greater risk of receiving a flat response—not because people don't care, but because they don't sense that this is a moment when caring is important.
Franco also provides a useful perspective on "oversharing". Part of the charm of vulnerability is that it reveals how much we trust someone - but that doesn't work if they're aware they haven't given us any particular reason to trust them:
Instead of conveying that we like and trust the person we interact with, which occurs when we share gradually, oversharing often conveys instead that we need to get something off our chest, and any listener will do.
"Pursuing Authenticity". Franco views authenticity as "a state of presence we access when we aren't hijacked by our defense mechanisms." This means authenticity requires you to "restrain from indulging in what comes most naturally" when what comes naturally is a defense mechanism.
What interested me most in this chapter were some of its references:
- A Roy Baumeister article on problems with the concept of authenticity
- A study called "Attachment, Caregiving, and Altruism: Boosting Attachment Security Increases Compassion and Helping" apparently found that a brief subconscious priming to make people feel secure made them more willing to agree to touch cockroaches (so that someone else wouldn't have to). What?!
- "The power of being heard: The benefits of ‘perspective-giving’ in the context of intergroup conflict" sounds really fascinating; from Franco's summary:
Emile Bruneau, a professor at the University of Pennsylvania who studied peace and conflict between groups, argued, "If one group is silenced the rest of the time, perhaps they should be given greater status when the groups come together, a chance to be heard by the more powerful side. Instead of perspective taking, they might benefit from perspective giving." In his study, he had Mexican Americans and White people share short essays about hardships facing their groups. After reading about and summarizing each other's hardships, White participants felt better about Mexican Americans, whereas Mexican Americans felt worse about White people. Mexican Americans felt better about White people only when a White person listened to and summarized their stories of hardship. A similar pattern of results was true for Palestinians sharing with Israelis.
"Harmonizing with Anger". Anger is an emotion that I don't have much use or respect for, so I wasn't expecting to like this chapter. But my complaints ended up being mostly terminological. Franco distinguishes two types of anger:
Anger of despair ... occurs when we have lost hope of healing a relationship. It confuses conflict with combat and sets out to defend, offend, punish, destroy, or incite revenge. Whereas anger of hope drives a pause for reflection on deeper needs and values, anger of despair blindly impinges.
Personally I wouldn't call "anger of hope" anger at all; it just sounds like (strong) dissatisfaction. Regardless, the chapter's key point is the importance of addressing conflict thoughtfully - not pretending the conflict isn't there, nor lashing out aggressively. I certainly agree with that.
Franco mentions a concept called "dynamic safety". A relationship that has dynamic safety is characterized not by a lack of conflict, but by an ability to repeatedly address and resolve conflict.
A good quote from this chapter:
If we get defensive during conflict, we also miss out on an opportunity for enlightenment. Conflict is one of the only times we get honest feedback about ourselves.
"Offering Generosity". I appreciate this chapter's pushback against overly simplistic notions of boundaries. Franco gives an example of an Instagram post encouraging people to "feel comfortable saying" things like "I'm drained. I will respond when I have energy again." I see memes like this a lot; they give the impression that a good friend should always be totally fine with you saying no to whatever, whenever.
Which is silly. As Franco says, "[i]t is appropriate to share these kinds of boundaries with someone we don't know well or don't care to, but when we get close, the rules of generosity change." I certainly believe everyone has the right to set whatever boundaries they feel like. But if you're in the habit of responding to your close friends' requests for support by telling them (however politely) to fuck off until it's a good time for you, you've got to expect that they're going to quickly stop considering you a close friend, and replace you with someone they can rely on.
You cannot develop deep friendship without being accountable to a friend in need ... When you choose to be a friend, you choose to show up. Research finds that support in times of need is a key factor that makes people more secure over time, and as other studies find, the more secure we are, the more supportive we are right back. When we feel prioritized in times of need—our needs attended to, our welfare considered—we reciprocate.
Presumably, part of why these memes are popular is that many people have been trained to have no boundaries - to use themselves up trying to meet every demand everyone makes of them. The chapter also devotes plenty of time to discussing the harm this causes, and how to steer a middle course by building mutually beneficial relationships.
There's also an interesting discussion about how sharing responsibility, not just having similar interests, is a key part of community:
Fay Bound Alberti, in A Biography of Loneliness: The History of an Emotion, argues the internet has given us relationships built on shared interests without accountability to one another. You can join the seltzer Facebook group, geek out on your shared love of carbon dioxide, but no one has to drive you to the hospital when the Soda-Stream rolls off the counter and clubs your foot. Fay writes, "A defining characteristic of community has historically been not only shared characteristics, which is the modern usage . . . , but also a sense of responsibility for others." Internet culture has led us to splinter friendship—to invite its joys but to dip out on its work.
"Giving Affection". As you'd expect, Franco argues that showing affection to friends is highly beneficial and that we generally don't do so as much as we should. (She also claims that people were far more affectionate with their friends in the 1800s, and that a rising fear of being perceived as gay led to a suppression of affection in the 1900s.) But it's important to tailor the mode and amount of affection based on the personality of the recipient. This quote she attributes to Kory Floyd is uncomfortably applicable to my younger self: "Anxious people never feel like there can be enough love. So they will smother the other person with affection to the point at which they can no longer keep up."
My favorite thing in the chapter is this:
...I've started "love scrolling" my friends—the opposite of doom scrolling. I scroll through my newsfeed and tell friends how great they're doing and how proud and happy I am for them, and I notice the warmth I feel.
(crossposted from https://brokensandals.net/reviews/202...)
November 30, 2025
First off, Marisa Franco's got a flair for humor and a clever way with words. Reading this book wasn't a dry academic slog; it was more like having a chat with a witty friend who's read a lot of psychology. The sections where she dives into attachment styles are particularly strong. She breaks down complex concepts into bite-sized, understandable pieces, offering some really solid advice.
But still, the book often falls back on the standard friend-making tropes. You know the drill: be a good listener, show empathy. Not bad advice, per se, but not really revolutionary if you've been around the self-help block a few times.
But don't get me wrong - Franco did her homework. The research is solid, and she's not just spouting opinions. There are some excellent 'how-to' tactics in there.
My experience with the book was a bit of a rollercoaster. Some sections had me hooked - I'm talking deep, thoughtful engagement. But then, I'd hit a chapter that felt like it was dragging its heels, and my attention would start to wander.
To be honest, I don't think I'm really the target audience for this book. The book spends a lot of time on issues that are primarily relevant to adolescents and young adults, and it neglects the complexities of making and keeping friends later in life.
It was just hard to relate sometimes when most of the stories were about homework, parties, new roommates, and difficulties with college classes. There were regrettably few examples that included married people, those with kids, or people struggling with careers. I would have liked to have seen more stories and advice for those who are in mid or later life.
So, to wrap it up, I’m quite glad I read this book. It's definitely got charm, humor, and some really insightful moments, especially if you're into the science of attachment. But it's also focused on a younger crowd and leans on some well-worn friendship advice. If you're just stepping into the world of adult friendships, it will definitely hit the spot. For those with a bit more life experience, it might feel like familiar territory. Still, I'm glad I read it. I learned a lot.
But still, the book often falls back on the standard friend-making tropes. You know the drill: be a good listener, show empathy. Not bad advice, per se, but not really revolutionary if you've been around the self-help block a few times.
But don't get me wrong - Franco did her homework. The research is solid, and she's not just spouting opinions. There are some excellent 'how-to' tactics in there.
My experience with the book was a bit of a rollercoaster. Some sections had me hooked - I'm talking deep, thoughtful engagement. But then, I'd hit a chapter that felt like it was dragging its heels, and my attention would start to wander.
To be honest, I don't think I'm really the target audience for this book. The book spends a lot of time on issues that are primarily relevant to adolescents and young adults, and it neglects the complexities of making and keeping friends later in life.
It was just hard to relate sometimes when most of the stories were about homework, parties, new roommates, and difficulties with college classes. There were regrettably few examples that included married people, those with kids, or people struggling with careers. I would have liked to have seen more stories and advice for those who are in mid or later life.
So, to wrap it up, I’m quite glad I read this book. It's definitely got charm, humor, and some really insightful moments, especially if you're into the science of attachment. But it's also focused on a younger crowd and leans on some well-worn friendship advice. If you're just stepping into the world of adult friendships, it will definitely hit the spot. For those with a bit more life experience, it might feel like familiar territory. Still, I'm glad I read it. I learned a lot.
September 6, 2022
Franco makes the case for friendship as being as important and meaningful as any other relationships in our lives with warmth and rigor. She weaves together science, history, interviews, and lovely quotes from brilliant thinkers. Anaïs Nin’s just got me, “Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” It also beautifully illustrates the self-expansion theory. This is typical of how Franco presents her ideas, giving multiple lens to understand the most important points to walk away with. Franco discusses how friendship can have implications for other relationships by building empathy and capacity, including for romance, interacting with strangers, and societal pursuits for justice.
After presenting attachment theory in a very accessible way, Franco goes through major behaviors that can help with making and keeping friends. I felt like I was looking in a mirror as Franco’s interviewees shared stories about being overly nice or holding in anger - which makes me feel uncomfortably but gratefully seen! It’s good to know that these painful moments are common, and that there are things I can do to improve. Franco shares research as well as concrete tips for how to be generous, authentic, affectionate, and vulnerable. The conflict chapter helped me work through some frustration toward one of my closest friends in a productive way that reaffirmed how important that relationship is to me.
Platonic is going to help a lot of people. The pandemic has shown the necessity of friendship, and I know I’m not the only one feeling anxious about interacting with people again, worrying that I don’t know how to do it anymore! Franco has written a wonderful book. It is a chance to reflect on personal friendships, past and present, societal views on friendship, and how to have deeper, better friendships. I can envision it being a great book club read, too, one to both discuss and practice.
After presenting attachment theory in a very accessible way, Franco goes through major behaviors that can help with making and keeping friends. I felt like I was looking in a mirror as Franco’s interviewees shared stories about being overly nice or holding in anger - which makes me feel uncomfortably but gratefully seen! It’s good to know that these painful moments are common, and that there are things I can do to improve. Franco shares research as well as concrete tips for how to be generous, authentic, affectionate, and vulnerable. The conflict chapter helped me work through some frustration toward one of my closest friends in a productive way that reaffirmed how important that relationship is to me.
Platonic is going to help a lot of people. The pandemic has shown the necessity of friendship, and I know I’m not the only one feeling anxious about interacting with people again, worrying that I don’t know how to do it anymore! Franco has written a wonderful book. It is a chance to reflect on personal friendships, past and present, societal views on friendship, and how to have deeper, better friendships. I can envision it being a great book club read, too, one to both discuss and practice.
May 30, 2023
I'm mixed on this book. I think there is really important information for people who don't have friends or find it difficult to make friends. This is going to sound funny, but I actually do know how, and it's pretty much what she says--reach out, reach out, over and over and over. Expect some rejection. Allow yourself to be vulnerable (this part was really interesting and I agree 100%). People like you more, not less. But don't overshare. And be selective with whom you share. And know that some people will judge you for what you share and you have to be OK with that.
Be affectionate with your friends in ways that are comfortable for THEM. Some people don't want a lot of compliments (I have 2 friends I can think of who over-compliment and I don't like it.) Selective compliments feel more genuine. Some people don't want a hug.
How and if to confront friends when there are problems. I'm definitely familiar with this as an issue. Will it make the friendship stronger or ruin it? It can def go either way. Is it worth it to bring up or keep it inside and just deal.
Alot of the book contained information I already knew either instinctively or from long experience at age 69.
I did think it was interesting how she talks repeatedly of how important friendships are. Not that she needs to convince me!
Be affectionate with your friends in ways that are comfortable for THEM. Some people don't want a lot of compliments (I have 2 friends I can think of who over-compliment and I don't like it.) Selective compliments feel more genuine. Some people don't want a hug.
How and if to confront friends when there are problems. I'm definitely familiar with this as an issue. Will it make the friendship stronger or ruin it? It can def go either way. Is it worth it to bring up or keep it inside and just deal.
Alot of the book contained information I already knew either instinctively or from long experience at age 69.
I did think it was interesting how she talks repeatedly of how important friendships are. Not that she needs to convince me!
October 21, 2023
Such a balanced, nuanced book on relationships. Maybe the most comprehensive friendship book I've read. I appreciated how she really forced me to look at myself when I have relationship issues and see what's getting triggered and why. And I really appreciated her insight on vulnerability, authenticity, and sacrifice.
October 23, 2022
A self help book that could have been put into 1 hour. Too many references. Examples/stories too long. All about friends. Tried to tie in attachment styles but really didn't build on that. No big take aways.
September 3, 2023
This is the first book i listened to with my newborn while breastfeeding through the wee hours, and it was the perfect wholesome comfort read when I needed it. The topic of vulnerability and friendship was so fitting while I was going through the most emotional time I ever have, and feeling the most appreciative for my supportive friends. Friendship truly is such an important relationship, and I hope I can be there for my friends in the way they have shown up for me.
Currently reading
September 30, 2025Finally got the book after reading Dr. Franco's article on friendship in Spirituality & Health Magazine last year.
October 7, 2022
“Friendship literally saves lives.”
I am going to need everyone to purchase this book immediately. This is one of those books I want to shove into everyone’s hands as soon as I finish it. I knew it was going to be one of my favorites after finishing the introduction, and every single chapter was better than the last. If you’ve ever wondered how to make and keep friends—in other words, if you are a human being—you need to pick this book up.
Marisa G. Franco brilliantly explores the five characteristics of deep friendship: initiative, vulnerability, authenticity, generosity, and affection. She breaks it all down in such concise and beautiful language and provides concrete action steps. She tackles issues such as setting boundaries, navigating friendships across racial and cultural differences, engaging in constructive conflict, the dynamics of male friendships in particular, and being generous and affectionate toward your friends. She centers friendship, not romantic partners, as the central means of community and connection in our lives. She even uses insights from the queer community, including the asexual community, to explore how heteronormativity and homophobia inhibit our ability to deepen our friendships and show affection to our friends.
It’s truly incredible. Read it, because her words will make your friendships better. I am immediately going to try to apply this book to my friendships. This is a book for everyone.
I am going to need everyone to purchase this book immediately. This is one of those books I want to shove into everyone’s hands as soon as I finish it. I knew it was going to be one of my favorites after finishing the introduction, and every single chapter was better than the last. If you’ve ever wondered how to make and keep friends—in other words, if you are a human being—you need to pick this book up.
Marisa G. Franco brilliantly explores the five characteristics of deep friendship: initiative, vulnerability, authenticity, generosity, and affection. She breaks it all down in such concise and beautiful language and provides concrete action steps. She tackles issues such as setting boundaries, navigating friendships across racial and cultural differences, engaging in constructive conflict, the dynamics of male friendships in particular, and being generous and affectionate toward your friends. She centers friendship, not romantic partners, as the central means of community and connection in our lives. She even uses insights from the queer community, including the asexual community, to explore how heteronormativity and homophobia inhibit our ability to deepen our friendships and show affection to our friends.
It’s truly incredible. Read it, because her words will make your friendships better. I am immediately going to try to apply this book to my friendships. This is a book for everyone.
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November 9, 2022I really appreciated this book and have found myself thinking about it a lot in the weeks since I finished reading. I struggle to rate nonfiction books because there are always parts that feel revolutionary to me and parts that feel obvious; I imagine we’d all feel this, but what’s cool about this book specifically is that what feels obvious/revolutionary would shift based on your friendship experiences/attachment styles.
Anyway, I highly recommend reading this, especially if you feel insecure about friendships (like meeeee).
Anyway, I highly recommend reading this, especially if you feel insecure about friendships (like meeeee).
September 6, 2022
"Platonic" gives you more than you bargain for! While it's extensively researched (the citations index is fascinating), Dr. Franco breaks it down to succinct guidance, laced with anecdotes that bring the research to life. The book includes SO many practical tips to create and improve friendships, but I didn't expect it to also encourage me to think deeply about how I can live more considerately and kindly alongside others. Dr. Franco beautifully lays out stories of healthy relationships (often with endearing real-life characters and fabulous imagery) that, like a patient teacher, gently pushed me to reflect on whether I mutually balance my needs and my friends' needs. The world desperately needs more connection and empathy, and "Platonic" shows us the way in friendship.
September 6, 2022
This book is a refreshing take on navigating the interpersonal relationship of friendship. After reading Marisa’s book, I was curious to examine my own friendships and how I am (or am not) showing up to them. Platonic is a must-read for anyone (and everyone) who is curious about delving into the complicated and beautiful intricacies of friendship. You will not regret this read! Five stars all day!
October 31, 2022
My best takeaway: it's a good idea to generally assume that people like you and want to be around you. If you're right, you're right, and if you're wrong, you still feel better about yourself!
This doesn't come naturally to me at all, so maybe if I try it out and it's life-changing, I'll come back and add another star 👍
This doesn't come naturally to me at all, so maybe if I try it out and it's life-changing, I'll come back and add another star 👍
March 22, 2024
Some neuroscience and psychology mixed with history and anecdotes, Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make Friends is mostly a self-help book for those who wish to make friends and maintain meaningful friendship in adulthood. No, it’s not another Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People. Years ago I read Carnegie and hated it. It reeks of emotional manipulation. Franco’s book is different, much more sincere. Yet I find it lackluster. Nothing is new to me. Perhaps I am not the intended audience.
I agree with the author that the decline of intimate friendship in our modern world is unfortunate, but I don’t think homophobia alone can explain it. It’s the rise of hypersexuality, both hetrosexual and homosexual, that causes friends to avoid physical proximity.
I always have close friends. Back in my school days, I often got frostbites on my fingers in winter. I remember holding my friend’s hand. Her hands were soft and warm, while mine were cold and fingers swollen like carrots. She always smiled at me when I took her hands in mine. It was a source of comfort and strength. In high school I wrote a passionate love prose poem to a friend, whom I greatly admired and envied. I wanted to be with her and BE her. None of these were sexual. They are among my fondest memories.
I agree with the author that the decline of intimate friendship in our modern world is unfortunate, but I don’t think homophobia alone can explain it. It’s the rise of hypersexuality, both hetrosexual and homosexual, that causes friends to avoid physical proximity.
I always have close friends. Back in my school days, I often got frostbites on my fingers in winter. I remember holding my friend’s hand. Her hands were soft and warm, while mine were cold and fingers swollen like carrots. She always smiled at me when I took her hands in mine. It was a source of comfort and strength. In high school I wrote a passionate love prose poem to a friend, whom I greatly admired and envied. I wanted to be with her and BE her. None of these were sexual. They are among my fondest memories.
December 25, 2025
I… didn’t super love this 😬 I know the author states in the intro that obviously the majority of research on friendship is predominantly white, male, and suburban… but damn. I did not see myself in this book at all (as an ND person), it felt incredibly geared towards the bias of the research. I didn’t have any new revelations but I did appreciate all of the info on how attachment theory plays into friendships. All of the anecdotal stories also didn’t feel relatable in a real-world way, for your average person these days. While I didn’t have many take-aways myself (I’ve been studying a lot of what this book details, for a long time), I do think it could still be beneficial to some- men especially.
ps- the random anti-Islam and random pro-Israel anecdotes were… strange. Not in the fact that they were said but the fact that they seemed out of context and the author didn’t seem to bring up other religions or belief systems in these ways; then had that part where the people basically said it was prayer that got them to where they were. I too believe in the universe showing us the way if we listen, but it just felt preachy the way it was written.
ps- the random anti-Islam and random pro-Israel anecdotes were… strange. Not in the fact that they were said but the fact that they seemed out of context and the author didn’t seem to bring up other religions or belief systems in these ways; then had that part where the people basically said it was prayer that got them to where they were. I too believe in the universe showing us the way if we listen, but it just felt preachy the way it was written.
April 5, 2023
This is a must read. Loved it!!!!!!!
September 23, 2024
resonated so strongly w this book esp about the value of friendship and the effort it takes to maintain friendships!! highly recommend. i <3 my friends so much
March 30, 2023
This is a brilliant book!
April 2, 2023
vērtīga lasāmviela par to, kā veidojas un sabrūk draudzības. daudz praktisku padomu un ieteikumu, kā būt labam draugam un būt klātesošam vai distancētam, kad draugiem tas ir vajadzīgs. lasot daudz domāju, kāpēc reizēm sanāk un citreiz - tā ir viena vienīga neveiksme.
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