What do you think?
Rate this book
Love Busters: Overcoming Habits That Destroy Romantic Love
Dr. Harley explores the illusions of marriage and the problems that develop when partners cannot live up to the idealistic expectations their spouses bring into the marriage. He contrasts those illusions with the realities of marriage and shows that marital compatibility doesn't just happen--it must be created. Harley is the bestselling author of His Needs, Her Needs.
187 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 1992
175 people are currently reading
913 people want to read
About the author
Willard F. Harley Jr.
23 books109 followersWillard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D. is best known as author of the internationally best selling book, His Needs, Her Needs: Building An Affair-proof Marriage. Over three million copies have been purchased, and it is available in twenty-two foreign translations.
Dr. Harley earned a Ph.D. degree in psychology from the University of California at Santa Barbara in 1967 and has been a Licensed Psychologist in Minnesota since 1975. For the first ten years after earning his degree, he taught psychology at both the graduate and undergraduate levels. During those years, he was also a frustrated part-time marriage counselor with little success in helping couples.
In 1973 he discovered that he was not alone in his failure to save marriages -- almost everyone in the marital therapy profession were also failing. So he spent the next two years designing an entirely new approach (see How Dr. Harley Learned to Save Marriages). When his success rate skyrocketed in 1977, he resigned from his teaching position to counsel full-time. Over the next ten years his solo practice developed into the largest network of mental health clinics in Minnesota (thirty-two locations) with over one hundred psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers and chemical dependency counselors working with him to provide a full range of mental health services. He became the exclusive provider of mental health and chemical dependency services in ten counties, and had offices in other counties as well.
One of his responsibilities was to write support materials for the clinical program he directed. He created over one hundred questionnaires and wrote numerous articles that were given to clients as part of their therapy. Among the materials he wrote was His Needs, Her Needs, which was first published in 1986. Although it was written to be a support text for his marriage counseling program, within three years it had become a national best-seller and a basic reference for marriage counselors throughout the nation.
By 1988 he found himself spending almost all of his time administering his clinics, and very little time doing what he enjoyed most -- improving his marital therapy program. So he began turning his clinics over to the counselors who worked with him, and the ownership of his last clinic was transferred in 1993. Since then, he has written 16 more books and hundreds of articles.
Dr. Harley and his wife, Joyce, are actively involved in the Marriage Builders® Online Program, which introduces couples to his highly successful plan for marital recovery. An online seminar offered by Dr. Harley kicks off a one-year home study program that includes personal accountability. He supervises the progress of those who enroll, and answers their questions on a special Marriage Builders Weekend section of the Forum.
Dr. and Mrs. Harley have been married for 47 years and live in White Bear Lake, Minnesota. They have two adult children, who are now working with them as marriage coaches, and four grandchildren.
Dr. Harley earned a Ph.D. degree in psychology from the University of California at Santa Barbara in 1967 and has been a Licensed Psychologist in Minnesota since 1975. For the first ten years after earning his degree, he taught psychology at both the graduate and undergraduate levels. During those years, he was also a frustrated part-time marriage counselor with little success in helping couples.
In 1973 he discovered that he was not alone in his failure to save marriages -- almost everyone in the marital therapy profession were also failing. So he spent the next two years designing an entirely new approach (see How Dr. Harley Learned to Save Marriages). When his success rate skyrocketed in 1977, he resigned from his teaching position to counsel full-time. Over the next ten years his solo practice developed into the largest network of mental health clinics in Minnesota (thirty-two locations) with over one hundred psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers and chemical dependency counselors working with him to provide a full range of mental health services. He became the exclusive provider of mental health and chemical dependency services in ten counties, and had offices in other counties as well.
One of his responsibilities was to write support materials for the clinical program he directed. He created over one hundred questionnaires and wrote numerous articles that were given to clients as part of their therapy. Among the materials he wrote was His Needs, Her Needs, which was first published in 1986. Although it was written to be a support text for his marriage counseling program, within three years it had become a national best-seller and a basic reference for marriage counselors throughout the nation.
By 1988 he found himself spending almost all of his time administering his clinics, and very little time doing what he enjoyed most -- improving his marital therapy program. So he began turning his clinics over to the counselors who worked with him, and the ownership of his last clinic was transferred in 1993. Since then, he has written 16 more books and hundreds of articles.
Dr. Harley and his wife, Joyce, are actively involved in the Marriage Builders® Online Program, which introduces couples to his highly successful plan for marital recovery. An online seminar offered by Dr. Harley kicks off a one-year home study program that includes personal accountability. He supervises the progress of those who enroll, and answers their questions on a special Marriage Builders Weekend section of the Forum.
Dr. and Mrs. Harley have been married for 47 years and live in White Bear Lake, Minnesota. They have two adult children, who are now working with them as marriage coaches, and four grandchildren.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 55 reviews
August 26, 2008
For a non-fiction, self-help book I really liked this one. It really makes things easy to understand, as far as interpretting your marriage. I love the way he explains that we each have Love Banks and that certain, negative actions make withdrawals while other, positive actions make deposits. I look forward to eliminating the love busters from my marriage and moving on to read, 'His Needs, Her Needs' to learn about how to make more love deposits.
He offers examples from couples he has counseled, which I feel helped me understand the issue he was discussing, give illustration on how to put the tools to work, and hope that it WILL work as the couples were sucessful.
He offers examples from couples he has counseled, which I feel helped me understand the issue he was discussing, give illustration on how to put the tools to work, and hope that it WILL work as the couples were sucessful.
March 9, 2021
Overall, this book is a great read as ways to fight and compromise healthily in your relationship. There are a lot of healthy approaches to conflict in this that I really appreciated. It seems like the kind of book to read if you're "on the rocks," but it's actually a great book to read just because you want a healthy long term relationship.
HOWEVER, there is a sub-chapter called "Does Sin Make Sex Painful?" under the fighting about sex chapter that 1. made me knock a star off the rating 2. made me second guess the author's credibility. You see, this part covers something called vaginismus, but everything that the author talks about is WILDLY untrue. If you are having any issues similar to what's described in this part of the book, do NOT follow any of his guidance. It will make it so much worse. Seek medical professionals but also do your own research on the topic! In short, it is NOT caused by tearing or infection, and it is NOT cured that quickly or by the terrible method he describes. Genuinely, you will make it worse if you follow this author's advice. This chapter made me so, so angry. He clearly has no idea what he's talking about, and this particular story (at least) is clearly completely fake and impossible, and the misconceptions are very dangerous for anyone who may recognize any of their own situation in the story.
Edit: I am so angry about this dangerous misinformation, that I am actually lowering my rating to two stars.
HOWEVER, there is a sub-chapter called "Does Sin Make Sex Painful?" under the fighting about sex chapter that 1. made me knock a star off the rating 2. made me second guess the author's credibility. You see, this part covers something called vaginismus, but everything that the author talks about is WILDLY untrue. If you are having any issues similar to what's described in this part of the book, do NOT follow any of his guidance. It will make it so much worse. Seek medical professionals but also do your own research on the topic! In short, it is NOT caused by tearing or infection, and it is NOT cured that quickly or by the terrible method he describes. Genuinely, you will make it worse if you follow this author's advice. This chapter made me so, so angry. He clearly has no idea what he's talking about, and this particular story (at least) is clearly completely fake and impossible, and the misconceptions are very dangerous for anyone who may recognize any of their own situation in the story.
Edit: I am so angry about this dangerous misinformation, that I am actually lowering my rating to two stars.
January 11, 2017
I've wavered back and forth between giving it 2 or 3 stars (if I could I would've given it 2.5 stars), but in the end the strengths were just so few considering how flawed it is.
Love Busters is heterocentric, and perpetuates old and tired stereotypes of gender essentialism. It advocates complete honesty, that a couple must enthusiastically agree on everything (including the wife asking for help with the dishes), no independent behaviour, and if you have any habits your partner dislikes you must change.
There is a description of a rather horrifying marital rape scene in one of the firsts chapters which, while deemed abusive, should've been handled much much better.
The one part that I found really strong and actually useful is on the topic of angry outbursts, which the author correctly calls out for being abusive and incredibly damaging. The suggestions on how to work through it seems solid, but I was disappointed that there wasn't any real discussion on what to do if your partner is the one with the angry outbursts.
A huge part of the book is merely so-so, giving out general advice (your relationship is like a love bank, you need to make more deposits than withdrawals), which has been around for a long time.
All in all, I would skip this book.
*I received an ARC from Netgalley, the review is my own, honest opinion*
Love Busters is heterocentric, and perpetuates old and tired stereotypes of gender essentialism. It advocates complete honesty, that a couple must enthusiastically agree on everything (including the wife asking for help with the dishes), no independent behaviour, and if you have any habits your partner dislikes you must change.
There is a description of a rather horrifying marital rape scene in one of the firsts chapters which, while deemed abusive, should've been handled much much better.
The one part that I found really strong and actually useful is on the topic of angry outbursts, which the author correctly calls out for being abusive and incredibly damaging. The suggestions on how to work through it seems solid, but I was disappointed that there wasn't any real discussion on what to do if your partner is the one with the angry outbursts.
A huge part of the book is merely so-so, giving out general advice (your relationship is like a love bank, you need to make more deposits than withdrawals), which has been around for a long time.
All in all, I would skip this book.
*I received an ARC from Netgalley, the review is my own, honest opinion*
February 8, 2018
I can't help it: every time I say or read the title of this book, it's always to the tune of Ghostbusters.
Anyway...
This book was interesting -- when he would introduce a topic, I would think that it seemed too simplistic, but then he would expound and then it made complete sense. For example, one of the "love busters" is annoying habits (like the way someone sits, eats, takes care of themselves, etc.) and it seemed a little silly, but then as he explained it, I could totally understand how something seemingly small could have bigger consequences. Another example was how the idea of a "love bank" seemed silly to me at first, but then it made so much sense and became something I'm going to focus on in my relationship with my husband. I appreciated this book and it has shown me many ways to take my marriage (which is already pretty darn good, if do say so) to an even better level.
One note, I wish he didn't read the audiobook. I had it on 1.5x and 2.0x speed the whole time because he talked so slowly and his voice is pretty boring. So there's that.
Anyway...
This book was interesting -- when he would introduce a topic, I would think that it seemed too simplistic, but then he would expound and then it made complete sense. For example, one of the "love busters" is annoying habits (like the way someone sits, eats, takes care of themselves, etc.) and it seemed a little silly, but then as he explained it, I could totally understand how something seemingly small could have bigger consequences. Another example was how the idea of a "love bank" seemed silly to me at first, but then it made so much sense and became something I'm going to focus on in my relationship with my husband. I appreciated this book and it has shown me many ways to take my marriage (which is already pretty darn good, if do say so) to an even better level.
One note, I wish he didn't read the audiobook. I had it on 1.5x and 2.0x speed the whole time because he talked so slowly and his voice is pretty boring. So there's that.
January 15, 2015
I found Dr. Harley's book to be a great source for understanding how and why we love our spouse one day and can barely tolerate them the next. It's like a checking account: making deposits and making withdraws.
No book is going to change you, that is something that you have to want to do for yourself. If you truly desire to be a better person, which will make you a better spouse, you will find guidance within these pages.
One word of caution - if your intention is to read this book in the hopes of getting your spouse to change - save yourself the time and effort. You only have control over yourself, no one else.
I can honestly say that after reading this book, I can see where my actions, words, and deeds made deposits and withdraws. The delivery of the information helps you understand how our actions and words affect our loved ones.
No book is going to change you, that is something that you have to want to do for yourself. If you truly desire to be a better person, which will make you a better spouse, you will find guidance within these pages.
One word of caution - if your intention is to read this book in the hopes of getting your spouse to change - save yourself the time and effort. You only have control over yourself, no one else.
I can honestly say that after reading this book, I can see where my actions, words, and deeds made deposits and withdraws. The delivery of the information helps you understand how our actions and words affect our loved ones.
January 28, 2017
While I thought this book was a worthwhile read, I don’t feel like it changed me much. Dr. Harley has some good ideas for resolving marriage conflicts, as well as how to maintain a romantic relationship. However, I’m not sure I agree with everything he suggests and I probably won’t be integrating all of his suggestions into my marriage. I have read His Needs, Her Needs and thought it was more helpful to me.
May 11, 2017
In this book, the Author describes five behaviors that he says destroy romantic relationships as well as friendships. He calls them love busters. He offers a plan for identifying which of these behaviors are involved in your relationship and then teaches you how to reduce them or illuminate them all together. I found this book to be helpful and think it's definitely worth reading, despite its age.
April 30, 2022
Looking back over a marriage of 50+ years I found this book helpful to process my loss and repent for my failures. That was not the goal of this book, but it has helped me. It would have been helpful in my marriage at any stage.
February 24, 2014
The advice is a little extreme at times, but overall, the principles are sound and thought provoking. Worth while.
May 19, 2013
A good companion for "His Needs, Her Needs."
July 19, 2022
Love how practical and informative this book is. Some favourite passages:
“What starts out as a caring and thoughtful relationship often disintegrates into thoughtlessness”
“In marriage, you have an unprecedented opportunity to make your spouse happy”
The policy of joint agreement: Never do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of your spouse
“How you treat each other will determine how you feel about each other”
“Create compatibility throughout your marriage”
You must spend a minimum of 15 hours together for the express purpose of meeting each other’s emotional needs”
“Your time together is too important to the security of your marriage to neglect”
“What starts out as a caring and thoughtful relationship often disintegrates into thoughtlessness”
“In marriage, you have an unprecedented opportunity to make your spouse happy”
The policy of joint agreement: Never do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of your spouse
“How you treat each other will determine how you feel about each other”
“Create compatibility throughout your marriage”
You must spend a minimum of 15 hours together for the express purpose of meeting each other’s emotional needs”
“Your time together is too important to the security of your marriage to neglect”
July 21, 2021
More of the same from His needs Her needs, but good insight for couples struggling to find themselves in the middle of life, good honest truths. We need each other, we need to care and love each other, one day at a time. Couples must continue to communicate needs, desires, stress, simply put, be honest, understanding, and forgiving! Life is short, we need to embrace each day, at the end of the day, we really only have each other, and our families. Thanks Willard!!!
January 31, 2020
This book puts in plain words some of the mistakes couples make in marriage and in close relationships. It’s been very helpful for me in identifying ‘love busters’ and how to avoid them in marriage. I highly recommend it!
September 30, 2024
A marriage improvement book. He gives lots of examples - some applicable, some not. I liked his love bank concept. I also liked his "spend 15 hours together a week" concept so you can fill each other's love banks. He also talks about how to negotiate and have a policy of joint agreement.
July 27, 2025
Lots of good information. I like the Love Banks, which is similar to Love Languages, but another author has the market on that phrase. I appreciated how he used actual couples and their issues as examples and how to manage different situations.
October 11, 2017
If you want to take your marriage from bad to good, or from good to great, this book is a great resource for you!
August 29, 2019
a great resource for couples to explore and heal areas of their marriage together.
November 21, 2019
My husband and I just read this together and it helped us tremendously. We were able to progress through many issues through the applicable tips in this book. Highly recommend
September 1, 2021
I preferred His Needs, He Needs but this was a great read too!! A lot of hard truths.
May 16, 2022
3.5 stars. Useful information for sure but very repetitive.
July 7, 2023
Looking for ways to stop wrecking your marriage, this is a list of things that drive spouses apart and how to fix them.
January 4, 2024
No reference to the Bible. A lot of biblical principles that could have easily been referenced but weren’t .
March 27, 2024
Many good concepts in this book.... BUT.... it is sooo antiquated in many ways. I'll take the helpful suggestions, and try to ignore the chauvinistic undertones.
March 29, 2025
4 Stars. Hoopla Audio. Great Reminders.
January 1, 2022
A great book. I think if both people were prepared to embrace his suggestions a wonderful relationship would result. It all sounds very sensible. His ideas about our Giver & Taker made a great deal of sense to me. He seems slightly dogmatic and repetitive at times but also has the feeling of a wise person with a huge volume of experience.
The key points were to avoid the “love busters:” selfish demands, disrespectful judgements, angry outbursts, dishonesty, annoying habits and independent behaviour. He also speaks of meeting our partner’s emotional needs as covered in the previous book, and adopting a policy of radical honesty and joint agreement (never doing anything without enthusiastic agreement of your spouse). Lastly he covers guidelines for successful negotiation when partners want different things.
The key points were to avoid the “love busters:” selfish demands, disrespectful judgements, angry outbursts, dishonesty, annoying habits and independent behaviour. He also speaks of meeting our partner’s emotional needs as covered in the previous book, and adopting a policy of radical honesty and joint agreement (never doing anything without enthusiastic agreement of your spouse). Lastly he covers guidelines for successful negotiation when partners want different things.
October 1, 2011
This was a bit cheesy, but it turned out to be better than I originally thought it would be. For me, the main takeaway was that in order for marriage to be successful it really has to be your priority. Family, friends, career, and interests are important, but if you prioritize them above your marriage, your marriage will probably suffer. And since your marriage is an extremely important part of your life, both qualitatively and quantitatively, it probably makes sense to make it such a priority.
October 7, 2016
This was decent, but there's a LOT of reused content from his other books here. I thought many points were useful, though. It mostly seems as a book for marriages on life-support that are under threat of imminent divorce. Thankfully, my marriage isn't anywhere close. I can highly recommend He Wins She Wins, which has a lot of same content but condensed. I plan to read HIs Needs Her Needs--apparently I'm doing this all out of order. haha. I think I need a break from marriage/family books for a while. :)
July 9, 2009
Borrowed this book from a friend and reading it slowly so I can really absorb the info. So far, my opinion is that this should be required reading for all people! It has great info for how to a good participant in any relationship. It is geared for married couples but this info is pertinent to any relationship you care about.
January 1, 2009
There is an old saying, "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear".
Learning about these Love Busters--and seeing them in myself--have helped me more in my marriage than anything else I have read. This book, and it's companion, "His Needs Her Needs" receive my highest recommendation!
Learning about these Love Busters--and seeing them in myself--have helped me more in my marriage than anything else I have read. This book, and it's companion, "His Needs Her Needs" receive my highest recommendation!
March 29, 2013
Probably the most important book on marriage I've ever read (after the Bible, of course). It "called me out" on some things that I'd never addressed squarely before. I read this book as part of a marriage enrichment class offered at my church, Fairfax Church of Christ. The impact of the class, including this book, was profound.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 55 reviews